Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls/Transcript

Transcript
Negative. No sign. Wait a second. I think I got him. You know... ...you could put somebody's eye out with that thing. We airlifted out the last passengers, Ace. We're heading out. What about the animal cargo?! Don't worry. It's just one little raccoon. If I were you, I'd turn back. If you were me, then I'd be you! And I'd use your body to get to the top! You can't stop me, no matter who you are! Loser! L-o-o... ...s-e-r. Hungry, fella? That should hold you for a while. That's okay, Spike. There's nothing more we can do. Look, Spike! Do not fret, my woodland friend. Your life is in the hands of Ace Ventura... ...Pet Detective. Whatever you do... ...don't look down. Hang on! Hang on, little buddy! I got you! I think I got you! Maybe not. You're slipping! Don't let go! My goodness. Hello. That was quite a shock. It's extremely nice to meet you. My name is Fulton Greenwall... ...and I am looking for an Ace Ventura. No man here... ...carries with him... ...a label. What? Oh, yes. No names. How silly of me. He's an American. We are all children... ...of the same life force. Yes, of course we are. He bends over and speaks from his rear. Oh, him. Right this way. He came to us a broken man. He had lost the will to sustain his existence. Yes, I heard about that unfortunate accident with the raccoon. It was terrible for him. But the life force... ...once again... ...smiled upon him. He's now... ...at peace. I will wait here. I must apologize. Quite. Well, no harm done. Let me introduce myself. My name is Fulton Greenwall, and I'm here to employ your services... ...in the retrieval of a lost animal. Can you help us? Your request is like your intestine. Stinky... ...and dangerous. We can pay handsomely. I am now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me. Twenty thousand dollars. Really? No. I cannot. For I am sorely needed... ...here... ...at the ashram. May I interject? We're short of space. And it's important for you to use your talents. Let me help you pack. But I have yet to attain omnipresent super-galactic oneness. Wait! There it is! You've just attained it. I have? Just now. You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone. What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment? Take mine. This took you 80 years to achieve! That's okay. I don't like it anymore. Really. In light of this personal sacrifice you've made... ...I have no choice... ...but to take the case. Great! I'll tell the others. Master! Break it to them gently. I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing. We should go, Mr. Ventura. I've arranged a plane. I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go. Isn't this incredible? It's going to be some kind of record! "Everyone loves a Slinky "You got to get a Slinky." Go, Slinky, go! Oh, man! Can you believe it? It was right there! Can I do it one more time? Forgive me, but if we don't hurry, we might miss the plane. Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that you want to do. Canadian moose during mating season. And now... ...a yak. Peanut? Yes, I have one right here! It's bulky, but I consider it a carry-on. Peanuts? Oh, I see! If we can get back to business, Mr. Ventura? The Wachati are a peaceful tribe. Since their sacred animal has vanished... ...they believe that there is a curse fallen on their village. It all started some time ago when, one night... So, the daughter of the Wachati chief... ...is set to wed the first son of the Wachootoo tribe. And the sacred animal was offered as dowry for the marriage. But... ...if it is not recovered... ...the result will be... ...the merciless slaughter of the Wachatis. Mr. Ventura? There's... ...someone on the wing. Some... ...thing! I'm sorry, what did you say? The daughter of the Wachati chief... ...is set to wed... ...the first son of the Wachootoo tribe. Spectacular! This land holds great beauty! How far to the crime scene? I've been instructed to bring you first to the consulate... ...which is beyond the trees... ...on the other side of the jungle. So, you'll have to circle around... Steering's a bit loose! Alignment's off! "Oh, pretty Chitty Bang Bang "We love you "And our pretty Chitty Chitty Bang Bang loves us, too "On Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we depend "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, our fine four-fendered friend." There's the consulate! Oh, thank God! If I can just find a parking spot... Perhaps we should slow down just a teensy bit. Nonsense, poopy pants! We're going a bit fast! Really! Look out! Like a glove! You should get this baby detailed. The Consul General's car! Down! That's it. Down. Come on, man! Mr. Ventura, so looking forward to your arrival. Funny, it didn't seem that painful when you were doing it to the horse. Sir... ...Mr. Ventura has an affinity for animals. Shall we? Shalln't we? Tell me, Mr. Ventura... ...just how good are you? You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a trip to Gotan, in Northern Africa... ...and you just took a nasty spill because of some... ...shoddy masonry work. Very impressive. May I ask how? Surely. The abrasion on your hand is the type sustained in a three-to-five foot fall. The remnants of plaster on your shoe pointed to a careless mason. Your new watch, a quality forgery of Cartier, was... ...most likely purchased through the North African black market! And my work habits? A workaholic. The urine stain on your pants... ...would signify that you're a single-shaker! Far too busy for the follow-up jiggle. Brilliant, Mr. Ventura! Simply brilliant! Spank you! Spank you very much! We've been coexisting quite nicely with the native cultures... ...for the past 200 years. They're almost like family at this point. Are they? It is imperative that we recover the sacred animal. If not, the peaceable Wachatis will be obliterated. The Wachootoos are bloodthirsty. They consider its disappearance both an insult and a curse. Do I have something in my teeth? Cadby! Lovely brunch, I must say. Quinn! I'd like you to meet Ace Ventura. This is Burton Quinn. He owns and operates Quinnland Safari Park. Most call me Quinn. Say hello, Tinky. Pleasure, Tinky. Corvus corax. Common raven. Smartest of all birds. Rare in these parts. Excuse me. That's quite a wrap you're wearing. Perhaps I could get you some fluffy new slippers... ...made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals! Who is this ghastly man? Ace Ventura, pet detective. You must be... ...the Monopoly Guy! Thanks for the free parking. Another activist, Maguire. Activist, yes. Activist, yes. Mr. Ventura... ...there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it some time. All righty, then. You know something? You're right. "Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars." It's lovely, but I fancy myself an autumn. If you've quite finished, Mr. Ventura... ...we might make for the projection room. Kookie. I'd like you to meet Hitu, chief of tribal security in the province. Please! Don't... ...get up. At this point, we don't have any leads... ...but we've had similar problems in the past. Sorry. This is Derrick McCane... ...spotted several times in the province in the past year. He makes a living... ...from rare and endangered species. These two are Australians. The bald one is Mick Katie. The other is said to have been raised by abori... ...aborigines. The natives call him... Call him Gahjii... ...the hunter. Both are known poachers and have been seen in the area! This wedding's in four days. I cannot have bloodshed here! We're counting on you! Hi-ho, Silver! Away! I've assigned Greenwall to assist you. Before you go, Mr. Ventura... ...I'd like to show you something you may enjoy. As one animal lover to another. Something wrong, Mr. Ventura? Of course not. There is a lovely room of death. Take care, now. Bye-bye, then. Down, Boba! Mr. Ventura, how could you?! Now, Mr. Ventura, I think the village is about a mile ahead. Excellent. Flat tire! I think this joke has run its course, don't you? Certainly. I prostrate myself before you and beg forgiveness. Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy the occasional prank. It's just that my heel is getting rather raw. We love you, dark continent! Good night! Listen! The majestic song of the male silverback gorilla. We should move along. It's their mating season and they can get rather hostile. Excuse me, Mr. Ventura. I have to rest. Of course you do! The Wachatis believe they draw their power from these caves. Now they live in fear since their sacred bat has vanished. Bat?! What... ...bat? The one we're here to find, Mr. Ventura. You didn't say anything about a bat. What's the difference? What's the difference? Have you seen one? They're hideous. Lifeless, beady eyes, clawed feet, huge grotesque wings. Even fangs. They give you rabies. Yes, quite. I see your point. But are you saying that you won't take the case? No. As a being of light, I must show compassion for all living things. Good. I'm not touching it, though! No, spank you. The Wachati are a peaceful people. They find all forms of life sacred. I like them already. Bumbawae Atuna. Nice to see you. Bumblebee Tuna. Bumblebee Tuna. Ace Ventura, pet detective. How are you? All righty, then. Excuse me. Your balls are showing. Bumblebee Tuna. They have lived in the same state for thousands of years. They did not know about disease until the white man came. What's going on over here? All young Wachati warriors must face five days... ...of balance and concentration. Should he lose his focus and fall... ...he must start over again. Earthquake test! He's good. With my help, he could be the best. We should see the chief, Mr. Ventura. This way. Neato! The chief says he knew you would come. Chim-chiminy chim-chim-cheroo! The chief has not understood the dialect you're using. Say I'm happy to meet him. And that his sacred... ...bat... ...is as good as found. My goodness. The chief really seems to like you. That is a great sign of affection in the Wachati tribe. Really? This is the chief's son, Ouda. The missionaries came through and taught him English. I like you! My... Aren't I the popular one? Allow me to display my affection. It is the mucus... ...that binds us. The chief says that the sacred hut is over there. How'd they pass the guard? I'm afraid he was found shortly after... ...sleeping. At ease, soldier. We all make mistakes. Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy, flying weasel. Please, Mr. Ventura! That is sacred ground. I'm sorry, but only the Wachati are allowed there. Take it easy. I'm the lougie guy, remember? Yes, yes, Chief. Thank you. Thank you. The chief says that unless the sacred bat is returned... ...before the marriage of the princess, the Wachati tribe will meet their death. What type of bat are we talking about? The great white bat, of course. Crepuscular Chiroptera? But to the natives: Shikaka. Shikasha! Shish kebab. "Shawshank Redemption." Chicago! You're out of there! Go on. You're gone. Go on! Were you going to eat these? I've got to inspect that cage. My, my, my. This fruit paste is delicious! The pottery is lovely! It's made from guano. Guano? That sounds so familiar. Bat droppings. It's a chief resource of the Wachati. They use it to make many things. Yummy! Now this is really fascinating. This is a great Wachati tradition. The virgin's dance of seduction. I am now a holy man. I think of women only as mothers of our children. They are a sanctuary for the reproductive organs. A temple to house the miracle of procreation. Do you have $1? Thank you so much! I've not danced in years! Hi. Don't mind me. Sleep. Sleep! Fe... Fi! Fo... fum! I smell the fingerprints of scum! Better dust the place. Totally clean. Not one damn clue. Unless... Here she comes. Oh, boy. Holy, holy, holy, holy. Good thoughts in, bad thoughts out. You have come to help us. We are in... ...great appreciation. You... ...speak English. Yes! The missionaries came with books. You are very good with that! It's incredibly accurate. Care to try? Not bad! Try again. Relax your shoulders. Breathe. And release. There you go! You make me smile. And yet... ...I am troubled. You see... ...the man my father wants me to marry... ...I am worried I will not please him. I've never known a man. I'd love to help. But you see... ...I have vowed to take a life of celibacy. Well... Perhaps this... ...will assist your decision. Those are very nice. But I am a child of light. A pure spirit. I'm no longer encumbered by sexual appetites. Oh, mama, oh, mama... ...oh, mama, oh, mama... I'm so sorry Mr. Ventura... That's okay. I was just... ...practicing my mantra. I thought you wanted to visit the sacred caves? I do! Meet me outside in 10 minutes. If I don't finish my meditation... ...I tend to get a little cranky. Take care, now. Bye-bye, then. Everything here seems good! Big load off my mind! You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out yourself... ...you never know. Let's go back. Don't you think you should investigate? There's no reason to go in there. Ever. I sense it as a holy man. - You said you wanted... - It's dark! I could fall into a precipice. Take this. Spank you, Helpy Helperton. I am not afraid! I am not afraid. I really like it here. My medallion! I will fear no living creature... ...as long as I keep this near me. Take that, you winged spawn of Satan! That's okay. All I really need is my torch. Die, devil bird! I'm okay. They're in my hair! They're in my hair! God in heaven! Help me! There is nothing in your hair. Exactly. I was merely running a drill. Just as I suspected. Quinn. What? We met him at Cadby's soiree. His bird is a raven, Tinky. I found that inside the cave. You don't understand. Burton Quinn is a powerful man. Worry not. For I... ...am a master... ...of disguises. Eat up, guys! None of this animal goes to waste. Mr. McCane. How're you? I'm doing well. Don't mind me, Mr. Quinn. I'm just a curious little rhino. I appreciate your... ...agreeing to undertake this. Meeting secretly with sinister types much? Ah, not too much. Ah, much too much. Kind of hot in these rhinos. Warm! I had a dog and his name was... ...Bingo! Time to get some oxygen. Come on! Mayday! Must... ...have... ...air! Come on! Quiet, quiet, quiet. Look, look. Oh, look! The mother rhino is giving birth! Oh, God. Mommy! Cool! We have to get out of here! Quick, get in the jeep. Quick, girls, get in! Welcome to Quinnland. And you, too, my friend? I know, you'll be happy here. How did you get out, fella? You're a cute little devil. What you got? Where's the bat? What's this about? Who are you? Where... ...is... ...the bat? I know who you are. I met you at Cadby's! You're that... ...Ventura fella! Last chance! Where is that darn bat? What're you going to do? What're you going to do? Whatever I have to get some answers. Stop! Stop it! You'd like me to stop it. Getting to you? I won't tell you anything. A tough guy, huh? I know what to do with tough guys. My brother used to do that! You sadistic bastard! Stop it! All right! I'll talk! Spill it! I paid Derrick McCane to find the bat. I thought it could be an attraction. Business has been a bit off lately. So... ...you don't know who... ...took the bat? Neither does McCane. I'm going to untie you now. Before I do, I want you to know that I'm really... ...truly... ...very... ...sorry! Appreciate the lift! We'll walk from here. Quinn is out of the picture. We have no more suspects or clues. But I have instincts. And my instincts tell me we're getting closer. I can feel it. I can feel it like it's right... ...in my neck! Run! Starting to get numb! Three darts... ...is too much! I think... ...I lost them! Flowers... ...for me? I do declare, Mr. Beauregard. You are my hero. Was I... ...talking in my sleep? You've been suffering hysteria. It's a natural reaction to the poison. Water. Guano bowls. Collect the whole set. Ace, did you see the shooter? Only their feet. Not enough for a positive ID. It's the dart of a Wachootoo shaman. The whaty whatan? The Wachootoo shaman, or medicine man, protests the intertribal wedding. Does he? You do not speak Wachootoo. I go with you. Ouda will be my interpreter. Please, take care. The Wachootoo are savages. If they catch you, they'll be merciless. Worry not. I will be as a fly on the wall, a grain of salt in the ocean. I will slip amongst them like a transparent... ...thing. The sacred bat must be in a hut. We'll never know until I can walk freely among them. Wunderbar! He exclaimed with great relish. Come on, girls, show them what you got. I'm sure it's fine. Ouda is probably going for help right now. Hello, Ace! They found me! No sweat! Don't beat yourself up. You know... ...gingivitis is the number one cause of all tooth decay. What does "equinsu ocha" mean? White devil. Tell him I'm not. I only met you. How do I know? - He said... - Let me guess. "White devil"? You speak Wachootoo? Tell them what I'm saying: I come in peace! I couldn't help but notice the "equinsu ocha" part. Did you refer to me as "White Devil"? That's how they know you. Leave that part out from now on. I represent the princess! War... ...is hell. The last thing we want... ...is a fight. The chief said... ...if you pass all Wachootoo tests... ...you do not die. Kookie. My entrance to the winner's circle! Your admiration is well-founded, but I'm merely a servant. Do not worship me! Chief says you have passed all tests but one. Only left is Wachootoo Circle of Death. Funny... ...that's my specialty. This is it? I have to beat him? All righty, then! I must tell you... ...I don't wish to fight. Violence is no longer in my nature... ...but if you want it, you got it, sister. Biting, I see. I was unaware that the Wachootoo... ...were biters! Why don't you try this on and see how it fits? He much better fighter than you. Doi! All right! This White Devil thing has gone far enough. Nobody... ...messes... ...with the "do"! He said, "Sorry, White Devil..." ...but he must kill you. I'll have you know I have the reflexes of a cat. And the speed of a mongoose. Throw it! I dare you! Ouda, don't just stand there. Throw me a spear! It's in the bone! It's in the bone! It's in the bone! He says you make him laugh. You are like sissy girl! Wachootoo Chief say, "You friend to Wachootoo." But if the curse of Shikaka not lifted by tomorrow's sun at top of sky... ...Wachootoo kill all Wachati and smash your head on a rock. Super. Take care, now. Bye-bye, then. Take care. Super. Bye-bye, then. Are your legs sore? Want me to carry you? That won't be necessary. I have a high pain threshold. Holy monkey! Ace, why you stopped? The Wachootoo didn't take Shikaka. Hi, welcome back. What would you say this is? Dart of Wachootoo shaman. Precisely. And when compared to one of the darts that hit me before? Same. Only to the untrained eye. The Wachootoo dart is made of wood from a mimosa tree... ...while the other is carved from a red fungus-bearing acalla. And there's only one area of the jungle with red... ...fungus-bearing acallas. Go back to the village. Tell them the Wachootoo's attack is tomorrow at noon. This little hound dog just picked up a scent. Won't be long now, Katie. Big night tonight. You're going to meet your new owner. G'day. Disgusting rat! Gravy! Did you hear that? What is it? Silverback. Female. Big. About 200 meters... ...south. We'd get $5,000 for one of those. - What about the rat? - Don't worry about it. We'll be back in no time. Stay downwind of it. You're even uglier than I thought. She's a big one, isn't she? Oh, boy. Deciduous trees on the bank. Suman shrubs with extreme protococcus. Steadily increasing water current. Spike... ...I think we could assume the stream gets pretty rough up ahead. As soon as I get you loose, you can chew through my ropes. That's it! That's it! Yes. Your turn. All right! I'm alive! I'm alive! Say "uncle"! Say "uncle"! Don't start what you can't finish! Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself! Oh, water tastes good, yes! This isn't over yet. There's something I missed. Some clue or motive I've overlooked. And that motive is... ...plah! Think! Someone wants the tribes to destroy each other. There must be something valuable in this equation. Perhaps we should meditate, Spike. For it is said that when seeking answers, one must... ...quiet the soul in order to hear them. What is it the Wachati possess... ...that is of great value to other men... ...besides the princess with the amazing rack? All righty, then. You're back?! You can dispense with the smallpox, all-knowing one. I'm here on business, and time is of the essence. Very well. What answer do you seek? What do the Wachatis possess... ...that is of great value to civilized man? The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you? Medallion? Why, surely. I left it back... ...with my body. Your aura... ...is weakening. Okay! I threw it in a cave! What do you want from me? What are you? Mr. Perfect?! Where is it? It's probably lying... ...in a big pile of... Guano! They have guano! Like... ...a glove. Hi, Chief! Appreciate your meeting me here. Let's go kick some... ...consulate butt. Hello, Ace. You want your money? Wrong again, Sweeney Toad. I've come for the sacred bat. Where is it? Why... ...whatever can you mean? Guano! Hello! Does poop ring a bell? "Guano mines as a source of nitrate... "...producing 84% of the world's fertilizer... "...a $1.4 billion industry." That's what this war is about. You can't take possession of the caves while the Wachati inhabit the area. And you want that dookie so bad... ...you can taste it. I thought that... Yes, thank you, Fulton. That's a fine theory, Mr. Ventura. What's it got to do with me? I thought you'd... ...never ask. When I met you, there was a white substance on your shoe. Yesterday, I saw the same substance outside the hut... ...and it hit me that the Great White Bat has white guano. That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! And that explains the abrasion on your palm! Let me run that back for you. That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! And that explains the abrasion on your palm! Damn, I'm good! Can you feel that? Can you feel it... ...Captain Compost? The day of redemption is at hand! Repent! And thou shall be saved. Very good. Very good. I believe you've solved the case. One thing I still don't understand, Mr. Belvedere. If you are the slime behind this little flim-flam... ...why, oh, why... ...did you hire me? I'm afraid there'll be an investigation after the war. You were my alibi... ...to prove I'd done everything I could to stop it. Arrest him. Arrest him! Please arrest him. Simon says, "Arrest him." I thought you loved all animals, Mr. Ventura. I thought you loved all animals, Mr. Ventura. Shall I stick him on the wall? No, I don't think it'll be necessary, Gahjii. Mr. Ventura has very cleverly stolen the sacred bat of the Wachati. Unfortunately, we were unable to recover it in time to stop the war. Hit the lights! The switch is on the wall beside you! Go for it! Flick it! All righty, then. Shall we go to jail? What are you? H.R. Shove-n-Stuff? Get in! Just one more thing. What are you doing? Stop it! I said, stop it! To the jungle, Boba! Friends... ...rodents... ...quadrupeds! Lend me your ears! Imbecile! You let him get away! You don't seem to understand. The tribe will be killed. Remind me to send a sympathy card. We're going to get the bastard. There's nothing he can do now. We've got the bat, and it's nearly noon. What the hell's going on?! You see... ...humans and animals can live in harmony! Sorry for the delay, Ace. Hey, poachers! Say hello... ...to my stinky little friend! Get out! Get out! Not so fast, Sally! Get it away! He wants to go off-road. Nobody wants to play with me. Loser! From the consulate, right? This is weird. Noon. The Wachati. The spirit will overcome. The spirit will overcome. Headhunters! Shikaka! Coming through. Clear a path, people! They will now consummate the marriage as the tribe watches. Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud. Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self... ...to attain spiritual creaminess... ...and avoid the chewy chunks... ...of degradation. What's that he's he saying? I think he's saying, "She's not a virgin." They can tell that?