Asterix and the Vikings/Transcript

1 Far, far to the north lies an unforgiving land, where the nights last several moons, and the winters are cruel. This is the land of the Vikings. Here, fierce chieftains lead their mighty warriors to battle. Hello? Anybody home? By Thor! It's always the same. We raid, and nobody's there. Are the Gods angry with us? Hear the words of the Gods! "Half a loaf of bread is better than none." "The early bird gets the worm." Cryptograf, make yourself useful for once. Odin says... How do our enemies vanish without a trace? Odin says that fear lends them wings. What did you say? This thing "fear" gives them the power to fly? No, it was just a figure of speech. - Imagine if we could fly! Excuse me, I think you've misinterpreted what... We need to find a champion of fear, who will teach us this magic art. With fear giving us wings, nothing will stand in our way. Soon we can boast to the world, Vikings know all about fear! We are the most chicken-hearted, jelly-bellied, weak-kneed cowards of all! Cowards! Cowards! Cowards! I would give anything to whoever brings me that champion. Anything?! Cryptograf! Can you do it? Odin says that the champion of fear is... Iocated right... right... right there. And where has the finger of fate pointed? A village of steadfast Gauls. The last hold-out against the Roman Empire. Sharing mutual respect, harmony and understanding. Hi Obelix. - So, Asterix... Anything exciting happening today? No, not really. Hey, any trouble from the Romans? - Nah, afraid not. My fish is rotten? - It's more than rotten, Unygienix... I feel like something's missing around here. I don't know what, maybe a good fish fight. Actually, there's a fish fight right now. There is? Want to join in? I suppose so. - But Obelix, no stones, okay? Well, at least they're fresh. - Stop the fight! Stop, I say! Stop it! I hold in my hand a letter from my brother Doublehelix, the renowned warrior. The famous hero of the Battle of Gergovia, who fought side by side with the great Vercingetorix. But what's the news? Oh, yes. He's sending his son Justforkix here from Parisium. Now, you're my two finest warriors. I'm giving you the job of training Justforkix to be a man. We'll make him the greatest warrior Gaul's ever seen! We must prepare a grand feast in his honor. All right, people, you know what to do. Hey, dudes. So... Are you... of course you are... Justforkix! This is Justforkix, son of my brother Doublehelix, the renowned warrior. The famous hero of the battle of... - Yeah, yeah. Big deal. These are my finest warriors, Asterix and Obelix. They're in charge of your training. Hello. Hey, look at that. Is that your bird? Yeah, that's SMS... Shortmessageserviceix. I send SMS's to all my babes. Guess you're not into new technology, in the sticks. Hey, what's for dinner? We've prepared an exquisite hors d'oeuvre... - This fish isn't very fresh. I told you so! - Not fresh?! Why you! It's great about Parisium that it's a 24-hour town. Yeah, well, you know. Open all night. Trance, dance, the works. It's pretty cool. You want some wild boar? Oh, yeah! No. I don't eat meat, just vegetables. Vegetables? But, you don't understand. I bagged the boar myself! Come on, try a teeny-weenie bite. When I was your age I ate nothing but boar. Boar pudding. Boar pot pie. Boar cake with marmalade... Don't force him, you'll turn him off. - Look at him. See how skinny he is? If we want to make a warrior out of him, we've got to get him to eat. Man! This really is the sticks! Cacofonix, warble one tune, and you'll be singing in a boys choir. Barbarian! You want to dance? - To this?! No way! Celtic music is, like, so ancient history! So, uh... what's, like, groovy right now? Let me show you how we get dowrn dirty back in the catacombs of Parisium Hey, are you in the flow, bro? Oh, yeah. I'm down and dirty, bro. Sure you packed everything, Olaf? Your mace? A change of under-armor? Dad, please! This is my 34th or 35th raid. Oh, honey, come here a sec. - Yes, dear. While you pillage the barbarians, drop by their temple and pick up some chandeliers. Yes, dear. - And here's a list of furniture I want. I want a selection of economical but stylish tables, bookcases and cabinets, in oak and teak, that are easily assembled. You got that? Yes, Vikea. We could use a new pair of matching skulls. - I'll look out for twins. Okay, is it time to go? I'm all ready. Abba, I've told you a hundred times. This is not a pleasure cruise, it's a business trip. Oh, Daddy, please? Pretty please? Let me come, just this once, and then I'll never bother you again, I promise. Well... Absolutely not! No women or children on board! Why? - Don't argue. I have spoken, by Thor and Odin put together! Don't you go berserk on me, young lady! I'll make another list. No women?! No children on board?! Being a girl sucks! Heave! Heave away, lads. Justforkix? Time to start training to become a warrior. It's not even noon, yet. Wake me up at 3. Obelix? May I? Pirates! Gauls! Being a man sucks. No, no, no... Gentleman, how is my nephew doing? Fantastic, he's doing great. - Great might not be the word, exactly. Oh, yeah. He's doing really great. - Let's say we're doing our best. Impedimenta! Bring him in! Go on. No! No, not them! Please! Please! Don't leave me alone with them! Is that what you call fantastic?! Great progress?! I gave you a mission to make a man of him. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be a man. - That's enough. You'll carry on. And you two better find something he likes to do! It's ready! We getting ready for a party? - Sort of. But first you need a little pick-me-up. Whoa, thanks sonny. Yeah, I'm not drinking that. It's not organic. Wait! Wait, it's good for you. - Look at him go! Lt'll make you manly! Lt'll put hair on your chest! You don't have any. Come to think of it, neither do I. Obelix! Thank you. Salmon or salmon. - Salmon. Salmon or... - Salmon. Salmon or salmon. - Salmon... salmon. You new? I don't know you. Yeah... Abba! What are you doing here?! I said you can't come! - I've had it up to here with can't! I'm not staying at home anymore! Is it right to treat women like slaves? - YEAH! Well, one day we're going to be equal to men! Yeah! Are you finished? - No, I'm not! Women want to fly, too. We want to learn fear! We can be just as scared as men. - Yeah! Who is this new guy? - That's my daughter, cod brain! Your daughter's a man? Land ahead! Okay, men! Back in your seats and fasten your seatbelts! We're getting ready for landing. Um, guys? I'm really not sure about this. Just relax, lt'll be fun! Everybody's going. Is this where the party is? - You could say that. Long live Pax Romana! What is that?! - Whoa! Cesar forever! That's Oleaginous. He's new round here. Can I take this one? - Leave him to the kid. Right, Asterix. Leave him to it. Come on. All right, all right. Take it easy. Would your Highness care to do the honors? - What?! On 3. Are you crazy? - 1. I'm a pacifist! - 2. I'm not going to fight anyone! - 3! Hey, you did it! - First one down! Yeah! Well done! They're animals! Let me out of here! - Second door on the right, past the tent. Thank you. Hey, the kid's getting into it. - I knew he'd like it. Crazy! They're all crazy! Vikings! At last, my fist raid. I can't wait! Nah... don't even think about it. You stay on board till we're back home. What? You can't do that! - Yes I can. I won't stay, you can't make me. - Yes I can. Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah! All right, men, you know why we're here. But they'll be no killing and plundering this time. Always nitpicking. Rather than slaughter them, we must observe them, and get what we came for. Find the champion! Then we'll slaughter them. Olaf, over here. You sure you got the plan? - Yeah. No. I'm sorry, Dad, but it's a really complicated plan! Sit down and I'll try again. Here, this is you. I'm a rock? - Just pretend it's you. Okay. - Here's the champion of fear. See how he's trembling. If you capture the champion of fear, like this... Then you can ask Chief Timeandahaf for anything you want. Oh. What do I want? - Her, the chief's daughter. Abba?! - Looks like a rock. There. It's a girl. What am I supposed to do with her? - Marry her. Why? She took my hair! The chief doesn't have a son, so his son-in-law is next in line to be chief. Do you understand the plan, now? Yeah! I'm a rock. Well, that went rather well. Yeah. Good enough for the kid, anyway. He enjoyed himself, I think. Obelix, Asterix, help! They're coming! - Ah, there's our boy. Yeah, look at him run! They're landing! The Vikings are landing on the beach! We have to tell the others! Take it easy. One invader at a time. - That's right. They take their time. We were... We have to go. What are you waiting for?! - What? You want to go now? Arert you listening to me? Don't you know who the Vikings are? Sure, they're ruthless warriors who destroy everything in their path. Just because we're provincial doesn't mean we're not with it. I don't under... Maybe we should talk to him. - I think he's hungry. I'll go get a boar. - No! It's better if you talked to him. All right, listen. You mustrt get scared. We're here for you. Remember, we're Gauls. We don't know the meaning of fear. Well I do. I'm an expert. I'm afraid of everything. I'm, like, the champion of fear. There, there. Look at you, a big tough warrior. You're not frightened now, are you? I guess not. It's not so bad, now. As long as you're here. Spoil sports. - We'd better get going. Or we'll miss lunch. - We'll continue training tomorrow. You can easily become a warrior. No problem. No, it's hopeless. What?! You saw the champion?! And he knows the meaning of fear?! Yeah, yeah he does. I observed him. But when he's with those stupid Gauls, he forgets it. He's not so bright. You idiot! You saw him and didn't grab him? You think we're here to take notes? Rescue the champion before these barbarians train all the fear out of him. Hey! Justforkix, I... I've been trying out some of the dance steps you showed me, and... I'm just not sure I got it right. Well, you're right, you don't got it right. Your left foot goes behind, like this. Oh, yeah, It's better. - Yeah, much better. Practice when I'm gone, and you'll rule the dance floor in no time. Gone?! Justforkix, are you leaving us? Yeah. Hey, Justforkix. Hold on a sec. Here, kid, I got something for you. This is my finest stone. I wanted to give it to you when you graduated. When you became a warrior. But you can have it, now. You can keep training with it back home. If you try to lift it everyday, I'm sure you'll make it. Yeah... I don't think so. It's impossible. How can you know if you don't try? What are you doing? You're encouraging him to go. It's his decision to make. - No, it isn't! No, it isn't! What about our promise, and the honor of the village? We can't force him, it isn't right! - Well, it's not right to... Faster, yeah! Faster! Oh, will you look at that. The axel is shot! Stupid stone! This is great! Just keeps getting better and better! Who's there? Hello? Obelix? Asterix? Is that you? Hello? It's just the wind. The wind... and some squirrels. Teeny-weenie harmless little squirrels. And a Viking! He doesn't want to be here, and we don't want him here. I guess it's better this way. I feel pretty good about it. Don't you feel pretty good about it? I guess so. Oh boy, I'm getting hungry. I sure could use a couple of boars. What do you say? I'm not hungry. - You're not? Come on. Couple of nice, juicy, boars! You know? He never even got to taste that wild boar. We didn't make him feel that welcome, if you think about it. He was improving, too. With just a little bit more training, we could have made a real warrior out of him. Well, It's gonna be real quiet around here, now. SMS?! Wait! What? What's happening? Justforkix had an accident! Ah, these foreign chariots are junk. You put in a teeny little stone, and they bust. Strange that he went off into the forest, alone. Even stranger, he left my present behind. Obelix, look! Justforkix's sword! He's been kidnapped by the Vikings! Oh, no. We have to tell the chief. Asterix. Obelix. Guess who's dropped by. My brother Doublehelix, the renowned warrior, the famous hero of... Please no flattery. Don't forget the battle of Parisium! Well, I only have a few minutes before I have to go off to Parisium. I'll just go say hello to Justforkix. - No! You can't see him. - It's impossible. He's far, far away. On a... field trip. - It's a... training program. Lot of training, in the program. Are we talking about the same kid? Oh, that's a good one. I'll return at the next full moon. He'll be back from his field trip by then, I suppose. See you later. The Vikings?! I make a solemn vow. I shall go to the land of the Vikings, and bring back Justforkix, before the next full moon. Me too! - That's good. My nephew's life, and the honor of the village, are in your hands. Don't worry, we'll get him back in time. - Asterix. Take this potion with you, for the dangers ahead. Go north till you hit the first intersection of land. Turn left... - Left. Veer right... Go straight... - Right... Straight... Right again, then jig and veer off... - Jig?! What was that? Jig? - Just follow the North Star. Right, got you, North Star. - Wait! Wait! Before going off on your epic journey, you cannot leave without a farewell ballad. No, no... you shouldn't... - But I insist. Oops. Farewell. Luck be with you! What's all that? Survival rations. He doesn't look too smashed up. Mercy! Mercy? What's that? Must be another one of their strange inventions. He's good. Tie him up. I don't want him flying away. No! I'm hungry! Maybe you shouldn't have eaten all the survival rations on the first day! I can't help it, when I'm worried, I eat. How much farther is it? - I don't know. A fog is hiding the sky. I can't see the North Star. Or anything else, for that matter. SMS! I thought I'd lost you. We'll get out of this, right? Hey! Cool bird. It's yours, right? Yeah, sure. It's mine all right. - Are you the champion? My name is Justforkix. Who are you? Oh, yes. I'm sorry. I'm Abba. Would you help me? Yeah, if I can. - Okay. Oh, wow! Yeah... thanks, that's nice. You're cold? No, I'm not cold... I'm... Afraid. - You are so lucky! Lucky? - To be able to fly! Fly? - I'd love to fly over the sea like a bird, and go higher and higher, right up to the sun! Will you teach me? Please, teach me. Tell me your secret. - If you help me get back home, I'll try. What are you doing?! I've told you 100 times not to talk to strangers! Sorry! - Not you! Her! Gee, Dad, thanks for embarrassing me in front of the hostage! I'm still hungry! - No kidding. Asterix, do you really think the North Star is still up there? Above the fog? Unless you ate it, yes. Obelix, you just gave me an idea. Did you see it? - No. Try again. That way Obelix! So, can you talk your dad into letting me go? - As soon as you teach me to fly. Oh, yeah... that. I was just wondering... What's your attitude about people who... promise something and then can't deliver it? Oh, you mean a liar? Look up there. What's that?! The last guy who lied to me. Daddy took care of him. How's 3 o'clock Tuesday, for the first flying lesson? Let's raise our skulls to the champion of fear! Long live the champ! Long live the champ! Long live the champ! Will they be drinking out of my head, soon? - No, silly! This is how we welcome guests. ...For he's a jolly good Viking - Skol! Skol! So, I assume this is organic vegetable juice? It's vegetable juice, right? That's organic, all right. ...For he's a jolly good Viking And so say all of us And so say all of us... Look! That way. - Yeah, that way. Wait! I have an idea. Telegraph. Stenograph. Horriblegraf. Nescaf. Riffraff. About time. - Hafandhaf. What's so funny? You hear that, Asterix? All their names end in "af". Asteraf! Actually, my name is Asteraf... Obelaf. Obelaf! I don't have you on the invitation list. We're right here! Okay. We're officially sneaked in. Not now. We have to find Justforkix. Hey you, come here! - Wow! He's back up already! They're tougher than the Romans, don't you think? I'll handle him. Okay, but what ever you do, don't get yourself... Noticed. - What's going on, here?! Can't I have a moment of peace and quiet to eat my walrus a la creme. How do you make walrus a la creme? It sounds divine. Oh, it is. It's just like making strawberries a la creme, only instead of strawberries... Wait a minute! Who are you and what are you doing here? I'm Asteraf, and this is Obelaf. Shut up. We're looking for Justforkix. - Ah, the champion. The champion of what? Well, fear, of course. Take a look. Why aren't you dancing with your fiancee? - I'm busy. He's in trouble! Leave me alone! They're my friends. Friends? - Long live the champ... That's great, "champ", but it's time to say goodbye. We're going home. Say bye. Bye, everyone. Hey, I just got here. - Your dad expects you back by the full moon. Oh, no. Not Dad. Oh, no! Not Dad! I'm staying here! He's staying here! Enough, already. You're coming with us! Careful, you'll get him mad. - You're just like Dad. Don't do this, don't do that... - If he says that it's for your own good. He cares about you. He doesn't care about me. He only wants to get rid of me. If he cared about me, he wouldn't have sent me to stay with a bunch of country bumpkins. Bumpkins?! - Bumpkins? You put me through a nightmare. They treat me like I deserve. Just go away, all right?! I never want to see you again! Obelix, wait. Don't forget the tip. Obelix! Wait for me! Hey! Obelix! Justforkix, wait! Who were those 2 strangers? Nobody. - What's wrong? You were having fun, before. It was just a message from my father. I've got problems. You wouldn't understand. Maybe I understand better than you think. Don't worry about it. Come on, lighten up. Yes! It's past your bedtime. Go home, now! Beat it! Sorry! - Let's get out of here. We should get back to the party. - Yeah. Let's go back in. Friends! I propose a toast to the man who brilliantly accomplished his mission... by capturing the champion of fear! None other than my son, Olaf. Yeah! Long live Olaf! Long live Olaf! - So... What does that big lad of yours want? What? - My son, Olaf, has the honor to request the hand of your daughter, Abba. My daughter's hand! - My daughter's hand? I could use her skull, but a hand? What's this all about? You promised me to this fish face?! - It's none of your business. Choosing a husband is none of a womars business?! That's the Viking way. You pick out a girl and drag her back to your house. That's how I met your mom. Nothing wrong with the good old ways, right, Vikea? Besides the near scalping, and the road rash from the dragging... it was the happiest day of my life. Could I jump in here, for a sec. - I'm not marrying that haddock brain! You're marrying the haddock brain! - There's not going to be a wedding! Yes, there is! Stop her! Justforkix! - Abba! No! - Don't worry, I'll take care of this. As the champion, I am warning you that... Tomorrow would be a good day for the wedding. All right. But first... The champion is going to show us how he flies. Obelix. Obelix. Were are you going? Planning to walk home? Yes. I know how you feel, but Justforkix... Don't mention that name! I've already forgotten it! That's my doggie. That's a good doggie who loves his daddy. Unlike some others I won't name. You can't just walk off. Why not? - Justforkix needs us. He just doesn't know it. Come and help me. I can't after what he said. It's impossible. That's what Justforkix said about lifting the stone. All right, go ahead and frighten us. Why? - So we can fly, of course. Is he stupid, or what? They're crazy! I said, scare us! - Yeah. Sure, here we go. What's that? - It's a scary growl. No, this is a scary growl. I'm confused. Now you're scaring me. Enough! It's time for the champion to demonstrate his flying skills. Take him to the cliff. - No! Justforkix! Justforkix. Where is everybody? There's a body. Where did they take Justforkix? I don't know. - Tell me... where he is... or I'll really... lose my temper! Good work. Subtle. Way to interrogate the enemy into telling us absolutely nothing! Are you ready for takeoff. - Roger. We've got a chemical problem. I'll fix it. It's my teeth, they're chattering. He's in perfect flying condition. Request permission for takeoff. Roger. Launch the champion. Stop! Wait one moment! What now?! Look, Thor has given us a sign! Yes. Too late, it's gone. - Enough stalling. I'm beginning to think he can't fly. And if he can't fly, there'll be no wedding! He can fly. No, I can't. - He's ready now. No, please don't drop me! I'm begging you! Drop him. Amazing! He's flying! Alright, you weak-kneed lily-livered cowards! Let's fly off the cliff! Off the cliff! Off the cliff! Stop! First of all, you're not scared enough. And even more important... We have a wedding to attend. - Oh, right. Wait! What about me? Olaf? O-laf! You have to come too. This is your We-di-ding! Okay, if I have to. What about the champion? I believe it won't be long, now... till he's flying back home. Cryptograph, you coming or what? Coming, Chief. Well, this is really strange. Maybe fear can make you fly. Help! Wow, you're pretty strong! Asterix! Obelix! I'm so glad to see you! I didn't think you'd want anything to do with me, you know, after what I said to you. Was I really flying? Let's get back to the boat. - We can't go! The Vikings think that I can fly, so the chief promised Cryptograph... that his son will marry Abba, so I can teach them to fly... We have to stop the wedding. These Vikings are crazy! - No, we're going home. Sorry. - Forget everything I just said! I hate you! I hate you! My little girl. Stop! Turn around! We have to take Abba with us! - We don't have time. Anyway, we can't kidnap the chief's daughter. - She wants to be kidnapped! Give the kid his Viking. It would make him happy. Out of the question! Don't make any more trouble! Don't get mad at me, I didn't do anything. - No? Not in front of the kid. If we'd taken him right from the feast, we wouldn't be in this mess, but no... Mr. Obelix had to be a big baby and run off sulking! And if you had been nicer to him at the feast, he would have agreed to come along. I'm tired of all your "if this-es" and "if thats!" I get it, only Mr. Asterix has brains, but Mr. Asterix doesn't know how to talk to kids! So, I don't know how to talk to kids?! What do you think, Justforkix? You think I don't know how to talk to you? Justforkix? No! Can't make me... get married. No! It reminds me of my wedding. You nearly bit my finger off, before we gagged you. Good times. There's going to be trouble when Justforkix gets back! But he's not coming back. He flew away. And I don't think he's ever coming back. Nobody move! Stop the wedding! Hooray! The champ! Justforkix! What are you doing here? You were falling... I mean, flying away. - Liar! You know I can't... I can't... Possibly let this wedding go on. What happened to you?! Get him, boys! Hey, hands off our kid. - Right now, buster! Now's our chance. Let's go! Follow them! Kill the champion! Do you understand? - Kill the champion. That I understand. We have to make it to the harbor! Why do we need a boat? You can just fly away and take me with you. Right, sorry, listen. I'm just... I'm not scared enough. Iook! If you touch her I will break you in two! Like this! Potion wore off. Just visualize the break. Like this? Great, you're afraid! Fly away! You can carry me with you! - I can't! You're still not scared enough? - I'm plenty scared. But I can't fly! What?! Abba! Are you all right? You lied to me! You're as bad as all the others! - Abba, wait! I'm sorry, I never meant to lie to you... It just sorta happened. Go find Asterix and Obelix! That's what I call a fight! Much more fun than the Romans. We should invite them to invade our village some time. Oh, no! Where's Justforkix? What's that? Dogmatix, what's she saying? What's the message? It's about Justforkix being in trouble. She's too tired to say more. Nice technique! That bird has talent. We better follow her. Abba! We have to get away! This is gonna be fun. No! Don't kill him! So, who's the champ now? Over there! Our boy's coming along, isn't he? Abba? Abba? Olaf! Olaf! They're coming. Kill him now! Where are you? Hi Dad. The champion! He is flying away with your daughter! Hold it! - Right there! You again! Stop him before he flies away! He's not going to fly away. He's a liar, and a cheat! And a phoney! But we saw him fly! - That's right, we did. We did! It was all a trick. - See? That was me, holding him up with a rope, right Dad? You idiot! That was supposed to be a secret! He can't fly?! - Oh, boy. So, you were trying to trick me! You're shaking. Are you afraid? - No, no, Chief! Well, maybe a smidge. Tiny morsel of fear. Perfect! That's the right condition for flying! Odin lied to me! Fear can't make you fly! No! Abba! Justforkix! Hold on! Stay where you are! We're coming! Flying... flying is the only way out of this, but... But that's impossible! A good friend once told me, How can you know something's impossible, if you don't try? No! - Justforkix! No! No. Obelix, look! He did it! He can fly! You... ...saved my life! You see? Do you see what he's doing now? - Oh, yes. He's doing good. He is doing really good. See? It's not fear that gives you wings... It's love. Hello? Vikings? I have congestion, very weak. Needing help now. Please? A little more boar? - Oh, allow me to pour you another beer. Oh, no! We're not going to make it, in time! Faster! Where's my son?! I told you, he's gone fishing. No, you said he had gone hunting. That's right, hunting for fish! Coming from Parisium, I'm sure you'll appreciate my newest composition. I want to see my son now! Oh, hi Dad. I get it. I know my boy, all right. Always after the girls. And then Justforkix fought Olaf with just the boom from the sailboat. He was like a one-man army. - Oh, yes. Vitalstatistix, I want to thank you for what you did for my son. You should thank Asterix and Obelix. They did it all. It wasrt us, it was all your son. Justforkix? No. I'm not going to shake your hand. Son, I'm proud of you. A little gift for our hostess. Modern Viking design. Skull wear, lamps, furniture. We make lovely stuff, you know! And this is Fulliautomatix, Unygienix, Geriatrix, and our resident musician, Cacofonix. You hear that? All their names end in "ix"! Perhaps you Gentlemen from the North would like to hear an original Gaul ballad? Sure, sure, I'd love to. - Okay, this is the moment. No more. No more! I feel queasy. My legs are jelly! What's wrong with me? Now that's fear. If this is fear, it must mean that we can fly! I was wondering, Getafix. What's the use of fear? Getafix! - What? I said, what is the use of fear? Fear is what makes us brave. Real courage is when you overcome fear. And so, for the Vikings, a new adventure begins. Because you have to admit... Their scientific expedition succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. Oh, here's a fog. I hate fog, I get scared! I want my mommy, I don't want any fog. Mommy! Mommy!