The Road to El Dorado/Transcript


 * [first lines, as the theme song begins by Elton John playing, then cut to Spain]
 * Cortes: [scoops the water up in his cup] Today, we sail to conquer the new world, for Spain, for glory, for gold!
 * [the crowd cheer]
 * Man: Viva Cortes!
 * [the guns fire at the horse, spilling water on his shirt]
 * Cortes: Altivo, eyes forward. [throws a cup at the poster at Miguel and Tulio, saying, "WANTED REWARD 100 DOUBLOONS"]
 * Tulio: Seven!
 * Miguel: All right! Yes!
 * Tulio: Partner! Hee-hee! [grabs the dice]
 * Miguel: [singing] Tons of gold for you!
 * Tulio: Hey! [singing] Tons of gold for me!
 * Zaragoza: Hey!
 * Both: [singing] Tons of gold for we!
 * Zaragoza: Hey!
 * [they both stop dancing, then Miguel stops playing the guitar]
 * Zaragoza: One more roll!
 * [Miguel plucks his guitar]
 * Tulio: Uh, guys, you're broke! You got nothin' to bet with!
 * Zaragoza: Oh, yeah? I got this!
 * Man: A map!
 * Tulio: A map?
 * Miguel: A map!
 * Zaragoza: A map of the wonders of the new world.
 * Miguel: Wow! Let's have a look. [points at the map, grabbing it] Uh, Tulio!
 * Tulio: Excuse us, for one moment, please.
 * Miguel: Tulio, look! El Dorado, the city of gold. This could be our destiny, our fate.
 * Tulio: Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice.
 * Miguel: Hmmm.
 * Tulio: Not the face. No, no, no, no, no. No! No! No! No! No! No!
 * [Miguel pants like a dog]
 * Zaragoza: [grabs the map] I said one more roll! My map against your cash.
 * Miguel: Hmm?
 * Tulio: All right, peewee. You're on!
 * Zaragoza: Not with those! This time we use my dice. Ehh, got a problem with that?
 * Tulio: [shakes his head] No. [grabs the dice, whispering to Miguel] I'm going to kill you.
 * [the map lands on the coins, then Miguel starts playing on the guitar]
 * Tulio: Come on, baby. Papa needs that crappy map.
 * [Miguel plays a guitar by the woman, giggling, then Tulio hands a dice to a woman, walking away, blowing his dice]
 * Tulio: [to Miguel] Stop that!
 * [Miguel stops playing on his guitar]
 * Tulio: Show me seven!
 * [Miguel looks at the dice, spinning around, landing on the ground, then they all cheer]
 * Tulio: Seven!
 * Miguel: All right!
 * Tulio: Seven!
 * [Zaragoza groans, then Miguel grabs a map by Zaragoza]
 * Tulio: [laughing] There it is! Well, nice doing business with you!
 * [the dice roll on the ground by Zaragoza]
 * Zaragoza: [pounds on the ground] I knew it!
 * [Tulio grabs the dice by Zaragoza, then Miguel continues playing his guitar]
 * Zaragoza: Your dice are loaded!
 * Tulio: [grabs the guitar by Miguel] What? You gave me loaded dice? [the face hits on the guard] He gave me loaded dice! Guard, arrest him!
 * Miguel: You dare to impugn my honor? He was the one who was cheating? Arrest him! He tricked these sailors and took their money!
 * Tulio: Oh, now I'm the thief?
 * Miguel: Yes.
 * Tulio: Take a look in the mirror, pal!
 * Miguel: Oh, you better give them that money back, or I'll... [takes a sword out] En garde!
 * Tulio: En garde, yourself. I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death. [takes a small sword] But not with that. [takes a big sword out] Ha! I prefer to fight fairly. Aha!
 * [they both fight]
 * Tulio: Well, any last words?
 * Miguel: I will cut you to ribbons, fool!
 * Tulio: Such mediocrity.
 * Miguel: Let your sword do the talking. I will. It will be loquacious to a fault!
 * Tulio: Ha! Take that!
 * [they both fight their swords, jumping on a table]
 * Tulio: You, mincing, fencing, twit.
 * Miguel: Ah, you fight like my sister.
 * Tulio: I fought your sister. That's a compliment.
 * Miguel: Braggart!
 * Tulio: Heathen! [steps on a roof, breaking the piece, falling down]
 * Man: Kill him!
 * Miguel: Not the face. Not the face. [grabs another sword]
 * [they all gasp and clamor]
 * Tulio: Ladies and gentlemen, we've decided it's a draw.
 * Miguel: [throws swords at the guard] Thank you all for coming. You've been great. See you seen.
 * Tulio: Adios!
 * [they both fall to the ground]
 * Miguel: Congratulations. You're very good.
 * Tulio: No. That was good.
 * Both: Very...
 * [the bull appears at Tulio and Miguel, gasping, then mooing, then snorting]
 * Miguel: We should have kept our swords, I think.
 * Tulio: Yeah. [whispering] Yeah, I've got a plan. What is it? Uh, well... Uh, you pet him...
 * Miguel: Yeah.
 * Tulio: ...and I'll run!
 * [they both start running]
 * Miguel: Uh, well, thanks a lot!
 * [the bull charges at Tulio and Miguel, climbing up on a wall, knocking the wall, sliding down, running at the men]
 * Man: There they are!
 * [the bull appears, then the men run away, then the bull continues charging at Tulio and Miguel, the the guards appear, taking the swords out, then they go inside with a woman screaming]
 * Tulio: Bye. Thank you!
 * [the guards gasp, then the bull knocks the guards over, with pieces flying in the air, with a hat rolling down the stairs, then they climb up, then they swing down, with clothes falling on the guards, then they land on the building, shooting arrows at them, then they look down at the barrels filled with water]
 * Miguel: I'll bet we can make that.
 * [they both look at the guards]
 * Guard: There they are!
 * Tulio: Two pesetas says we can't.
 * [they both jump in the barrels]
 * Miguel: You're on!
 * [they both fall in the barrels]
 * Miguel: [offscreen] You lose!
 * [Tulio throws coins at Miguel, then they close the barrels, then they carry on a ship]
 * Tulio: [offscreen] Whoa! What's happening here?
 * Miguel: [offscreen] We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge.
 * [the man lowers the barrels on the ship, then the men roll the barrels, putting the barrels on the floor, then they spit their corks out]
 * Tulio: Okay, Miguel, we gotta move fast. On three, we jump out and we head for the dock.
 * Miguel: Good. Good. Okay. Excellent.
 * Both: One, two, three.
 * [the men put the chest on the boat]
 * Both: [grunting] Three! Three! Ohh! Three!
 * [cut at night, showing the half moon]
 * Tulio: [offscreen] Uh, you ready? Ah, okay. One more. Let's go.
 * Both: One, two, three!
 * [they pop out their barrels, then they hear a fly buzzing and the wind whistling]
 * Tulio: Excuse us.
 * Miguel: Okay. We're outta here.
 * Tulio: Who ordered the, uh, pickles?
 * [the guards lock Tulio and Miguel]
 * Miguel: Cortes!
 * Cortes: My crew was as carefully chosen as the disciples of Christ. [cracks his knuckles] And I will not tolerate stowaways.
 * [Tulio gulps]
 * Cortes: You will be flogged. And when we put Cuba to resupply, God willing, you will be flogged some more, and then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig.
 * Miguel: All right! Cuba!
 * [the guard carries Tulio and Miguel to the brig, then cut to the ships, then the man whistles, carrying apples to Altivo, chuckling, then nickering]
 * Man: Hey, Altivo! Ah-ta-ta, not for you! You're on half rations. Orders from Cortes.
 * [the apple drops on Miguel, gasps, then Miguel looks at Tulio banging on the wall]
 * Miguel: So, uh, how's the... How's the escape plan coming?
 * Tulio: All right. All right. Wait! I'm getting something.
 * Miguel: Yeah.
 * Tulio: [continues banging his head on the wall] Okay! Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions...
 * Miguel: Mm-hm.
 * Tulio: ...hijack one of those longboats, and then we row back to Spain like there's no manana!
 * Miguel: Back to Spain, yeah?
 * Tulio: Yeah?
 * Miguel: In a rowboat.
 * Tulio: You got it!
 * Miguel: Great. Sensational. And that-that's your plan, is it?
 * Tulio: That's pretty much it.
 * Miguel: Well, I like it. So, how do we got on deck?
 * Tulio: Umm. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats...
 * Miguel: Uh, great.
 * Tulio: Well, okay, what's your idea, smart guy?
 * Miguel: What do you mean? Don't ask me that! You're the one with the plans.
 * [they hear Altivo whinnying]
 * Miguel: Wait, I... I have an idea. Uh, come on. Give me. Give me a boost. [holds the apple] Hey, Altivo.
 * [they toss the apple back and forth]
 * Miguel: Altivo. You want a nice apple? Come and get it.
 * [Altivo walks to Miguel]
 * Miguel: You have to do a trick for me first.
 * [Altivo shakes his head]
 * Miguel: All you have to do is find a pry bar. A long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end. Got it?
 * Tulio: Miguel, you're talking to a horse!
 * Miguel: That's it, Altivo, find the pry bar.
 * Tulio: Yes, find the pry bar. He can't understand "pry bar." He's a dumb horse. There's no way...
 * [Altivo drops the keys in the brig, then they look down]
 * Tulio: Well, it's not a pry bar.
 * [cut at night, closing the top, then Miguel walks backwards, then Tulio takes the bag and barrel, then Altivo taps Miguel]
 * Miguel: Oh, Altivo. Oh, thank you, old boy. Listen, if we can ever return the favor...
 * [Altivo sniffs at Miguel]
 * Tulio: For Pete's sake, Miguel, he's a ruthless warhorse, not a poodle. Come on, before he licks you to death.
 * Miguel: [to Altivo] Adios.
 * [Altivo whines, then he goes in a boat, then he looks in a boat]
 * Miguel: Shh, shh. Shh. Quiet, please.
 * Tulio: What's the matter with him?
 * Miguel: Oh, he wants his apple. Well, give it to him before he wakes the whole ship!
 * Tulio: Fetch! [throws an apple at Altivo, bouncing on the curtain, the pole, the telescope, then the apple splashes in the water, then Altivo dives in the water to try to get the apple]
 * Miguel: Altivo!
 * Tulio: Huh? Miguel!
 * [Miguel dives in the water, then the boat lands in the water]
 * Miguel: Altivo, I'm coming!
 * Tulio: Miguel! Just hang on!
 * Miguel: I'm right here, old boy!
 * Tulio: Have you lost your mind?
 * Miguel: Help is coming!
 * Tulio: [gasping, seeing a ship] Holy ship!
 * [the ship knocks Tulio and Miguel, splashing in the water, then they all gasp, then the crate breaks]
 * Tulio: Loop the rope under the horse!
 * Miguel: Yes! [takes an inhale, swimming underwater, grabbing Tulio]
 * Tulio: On the count of three, pull back on the rope.
 * Miguel: What? [gasping]
 * Tulio: Three!
 * [the ship splashes on Tulio and Miguel]
 * Tulio: Pull!
 * [Tulio and Miguel fall in the water, then they hold on the crate]
 * Miguel: Tulio! Hey, it worked!
 * [they climb on the boat]
 * Tulio: Did any of the supplies make it?
 * Miguel: Well, uh, yes and no.
 * [Altivo eats the carrot]
 * Tulio: Oh, great!
 * Miguel: Tulio. Look on the positive side. At least things can't get...
 * [they hear a clap of thunder, and it starts pouring rain]
 * Tulio: Excuse me. We're you going to say "worse"?
 * Miguel: No.
 * Tulio: No?
 * Miguel: No.
 * Tulio: You're sure?
 * Miguel: Absolutely not. I've revised the whole thing.
 * Tulio: Okay, because... Yeah, we're at least in a rowboat.
 * Miguel: We're in a rowboat, exactly. You miss nothing.
 * [they all look at the shark fins, then they continue rowing, then hearing a clap of thunder, with waves moving, then they hear a seagull, then the seagull lands on a paddle, coughing, laying down, then they smack their lips, then the shark eats the seagull on a paddle, then they all sob, then cut to evening, then they continue rowing the boat]
 * Miguel: Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?
 * Tulio: The horse is a surprise.
 * Miguel: Any regrets?
 * Tulio: Besides dying? Yeah. I never had enough gold.
 * Miguel: My regret, besides dying, is our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.
 * Tulio: Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you made my life an adventure. [sobbing]
 * Miguel: And if it's any consolation, Tulio... [sniffles his nose] ...you made my life rich.
 * [Altivo scoffs and sputters, then they both sob, then the boat lands on the sand, then they take their sands, dropping it, then Tulio shakes his sand]
 * Miguel: Is it?
 * Tulio: Hmm. It is! It's... It's... It's... It's... It's...
 * Both: It's land!
 * [they all get out of the boat, then they lick the sand, then Miguel kisses a skull with a sword on it, then they both scream, then Altivo whinnies]
 * Tulio: All in favor of getting back in the boat, say "aye."
 * Miguel: Aye!
 * Tulio: Aye! Go!
 * [Altivo nickers, they they walk to a boat, then Miguel walks to an ocean, looking at it, grabbing a map, looking at it, looking at the parrot stone]
 * Tulio: Hey, Miguel! I could use a little help! Miguel! Hello!
 * Miguel: Tulio! We've done it!
 * Tulio: What's that? The map?
 * Miguel: It's all right here!
 * Tulio: You still have the map?
 * Miguel: The whistling rock! The stream!
 * Tulio: You kept the map, but you couldn't grab a little more food?
 * Miguel: Even those mountains. You said so yourself: It could be possible. And it is! It really is the map to El Dorado! [panting]
 * Tulio: [to Miguel] You drank seawater, didn't you?
 * Miguel: Oh, come on!
 * Tulio: I'm not coming on! I wouldn't set foot in that jungle for a million pesetas!
 * Miguel: How about a hundred million?
 * Tulio: What?
 * Miguel: I just sought that, after all, since El Dorado is the city of gold.
 * Tulio: What's your point?
 * Miguel: You know, dust, nuggets, bricks, a temple of gold where you can pluck gold from the very walls. But you don't want to go, so let's get back to the boat and row back to Spain. After all, it worked so well last time.
 * Tulio: [gibberish] Wait! Mmm. Wait a minute. New plan. We find the city of gold. We take the gold, and then we go back to Spain.
 * Miguel: And buy Spain!
 * Tulio: Yeah!
 * Miguel: That's the spirit! [grabs the sword] Come on, Tulio. We'll follow that trail!
 * Tulio: What trail?
 * Miguel: [chopping the vines] The trail that we blaze!
 * [the vines fall down, revealing a rock, long pause]
 * Miguel: That trail that we blaze!
 * [the music begins "The Trail We Blaze" by Elton John playing]
 * Tulio: [grabs a leash] Oh, no, you don't.
 * [Altivo bites Tulio's butt]
 * Tulio: Yeow! Your horse bit me in the butt!
 * [the snake hisses at Bibo, chopping the snake, then they walk down, pointing right]
 * Miguel: Charge!
 * [Altivo rides down, stopping by Tulio, then Tulio grabs a map by Miguel, looking at the map]
 * Tulio: What are you looking at? [looks at Bibo]
 * [Altivo carries Tulio, riding down, going to the bird, then Miguel looks at a map, then Tulio walks away by Miguel, chopping the leaves, then Tulio jumps in the water, then Miguel takes the bugs off of Tulio, the Tulio walks on the rocks, then the fish bites Tulio's butt, running away, then Miguel brings a fish to Tulio]
 * Miguel: Dinner is served.
 * Tulio: Hello.
 * [Tulio and Miguel jump in the water, then the monkey looks at Tulio and Miguel in the water, then the monkeys put clothes on, then the monkey puts his pants on, then the monkeys run away, then they get out, running away to try put the clothes back on, the the monkeys wave at Tulio, Miguel and Altivo, after they put clothes back on, then they look around, then they walk on a log, then they hear a thunderclap, starting to pour rain, then they ride down, leaping on stones, then Miguel looks at a map, then Tulio grabs a map, then they walk down, then the butterflies fly out, then they all walk up, then walking down, then the wood breaks, then they all fall down, then Bibo falls down, hitting the stone, then the map lands on Tulio, looking at it, looking around]
 * Tulio: Hmm. [scratches the stone] Miguel. Miguel, wake up. We're there. Oh, yeah. We found it. We found it?
 * Miguel: Oh! Fantastic! Where is it? How far?
 * Tulio: Right here!
 * Miguel: Where?
 * Tulio: Here.
 * Miguel: Behind the rock?
 * Tulio: No, no. This is it.
 * Miguel: [stammering, grabbing a map] Give me that! This ca... What?
 * Tulio: Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for "great, big, rock!" [echoing] Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock! Hey, but I tell you what, I'm feeling generous, so you can have my share!
 * Miguel: You don't think Cortes could've gotten here before us, and...
 * Tulio: And what? Taken all the really big rocks? The scoundrel!
 * Miguel: Tulio, you... We have to think about this. We've come all this way, and we should really, you know...
 * Tulio: Get on the horse!
 * [Miguel sighs]
 * Tulio: No, no, no, not with the face. [picks Miguel up] Stop. [clears throat] Looks like there's a pass right over there.
 * [Chel runs up to Tulio and Miguel, bumping to Altivo, then Altivo walks backwards, then the guards run up, then they gasp]
 * Both: Hyah!
 * [the guards stop by Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo snorts, then Chel throws a rock to Tulio, then Tulio throws a rock to Chel, then throwing the rock back and forth]
 * Tulio: [chuckling] I've...
 * [the rock hits Tulio]
 * Tulio: Uh, hello. Is this your rock? Sorry. We were just looking. We're, uh... We're tourists! Tourist. [clears throat] We lost our group. May we go now?
 * [Acolyte points at Tulio, gasping]
 * Tulio: [chuckling] Spears.
 * [Acolyte points the spear, then the guards follow by Acolyte, the Bibo looks at the stone, then the guard takes the rock to Chel]
 * Chel: Hey! Hey!
 * [Bibo looks at the guards, looking at the guards, then Acolyte walks in the waterfall, then they walk in the cave, then they get off of Altivo, then they walk in the boat, then Chel sits in the boat, then Miguel whistles, then the rocks fall down, then they look at the vines, gasping, then they all look at the light, gasping]
 * Miguel: Oh, my... It's... It's...
 * Both: [whispering] El Dorado.
 * [the boats continue riding down, with butterflies flying up, then Miguel looks at the fish, then Altivo puts a tail in the boat, then a boy walking with a woman with a pot, dropping it, then Bibo swims in a backstroke, then the boat arrives at the building, with a man running in the building, then cut to Chief, with a man whispering at Chief, then Acolyte walks in a building by Tzekel-Kan, chanting, then Acolyte whispers to Tzekel-Kan, pushing Acolyte, then cut back to Tulio and Miguel, walking up to the building]
 * Tulio: Well, it was nice working with you, partner.
 * Miguel: Tulio, I just want you to know. I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.
 * Tulio: So... You... You, f...
 * Tzekel-Kan: Behold! As the prophesies foretold, the time of judgement is now!
 * [they both gasp, then Chief walks by Tzekel-Kan]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Citizens, did I not predict that the gods would come to us?
 * [they all look around]
 * Miguel: Hmm.
 * Tzekel-Kan: [chuckling] My lords, I am Tzekel-Kan, your devoted high priest and speaker for the gods.
 * Tulio: Hey.
 * Chief: I am Chief Tannabok. What names may we call you?
 * Miguel: Huh? I am Miguel.
 * Tulio: And I am Tulio.
 * Miguel: [gets off of Altivo, getting tangled up by the foot] And they call us Miguel and Tulio!
 * Tzekel-Kan: Your arrival has been greatly anticipated.
 * Chief: My lords, how long will you be staying in El Dorado?
 * [Chel looks up]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Aha! [grabs Chel] I see you've captured this temple-robbing thief. [takes Chel] How would you have us punish her?
 * Chel: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! My lord, I am not a thief. See, the gods sent me vision to bring them tribute from the temple to guide them here. My only wish is to serve the gods.
 * [Tzekel-Kan continues holding Chel]
 * Tulio: Release her, don't ya think?
 * Tzekel-Kan: [lets go of Chel] Then you will begin by returning this to its rightful place.
 * [Bibo climbs out of the water]
 * Chief: My lords, why now do you choose to visit us?
 * Tzekel-Kan: Enough! You do not question, the gods!
 * Miguel: That's right! Do not question us, or we shall have to unleash our awesome and terrible power! And you don't want that!
 * Tzekel-Kan: Well, yes! We do!
 * Miguel: You do?
 * Tzekel-Kan: Of course we do! Visit your wrath upon this nonbeliever! Show us the truth of your divinity!
 * Tulio: Divinity! One moment.
 * [they all walk down]
 * Tulio: Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!
 * Miguel: Well, I'm sorry. I just got carried away!
 * Tulio: Way away!
 * Miguel: Maybe we should tell the truth and then beg for mercy.
 * Tulio: Are you nuts? We'd be butchered alive!
 * Miguel: Yes, but they're getting suspicious. And if we don't come up with some mega-cosmic event...
 * [the volcano continues rumbling, then erupting]
 * Tulio: I'm trying! I'm trying! I can't think with all these distractions!
 * Miguel: You... Horse... Think horse. Think, think, think. I'm on the verge of...
 * Tulio: Stop! [echoing] Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
 * [the smoke goes back in the volcano, then coughing, then they gasp, then they look around, then they put their hands out, then they all chant]
 * Miguel: [to Acolyte] Don't make me start it up again, 'cause I will.
 * [Acolyte bows down, then they walk to Tzekel-Kan, bowing down, then Chief bows down]
 * Tzekel-Kan: O mighty lords! Come. Let me show you to your temple.
 * Miguel: All right! Temple.
 * Tzekel-Kan: [to Chief] Step aside. [walks up the stairs]
 * [they all walk up the stairs, then they walk in the building, then Tulio and Miguel climb up, then Chief and Tzekel-Kan look at Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo climbs up, then they open a curtain, then they bow, then they go in]
 * Tzekel-Kan: To commemorate your arrival, I propose a reverent ceremony at dawn.
 * Chief: Ah, then perhaps I could prepare a glorious feast for you tonight.
 * Tzekel-Kan: Which would you prefer?
 * Miguel: Both.
 * Tulio: Both.
 * Both: Both.
 * Miguel: Both is good.
 * Chief: My lords.
 * Tzekel-Kan: My lords.
 * [they both close the curtain]
 * Tzekel-Kan: And so dawns the Age of the Jaguar. Happy new year. [chuckling, walking away by Chief]
 * [cut back to Tulio and Miguel]
 * Miguel: Hey!
 * Tulio: Hey. Hey.
 * [Miguel laughs, tapping Tulio, then they laugh, then Altivo walks on the water]
 * Miguel: Tulio. Tulio. They actually think we're gods.
 * Tulio: It's an entire city of suckers.
 * [Chel looks at Miguel, Tulio, and Altivo]
 * Tulio: We just have to keep this up long enough, to load up on the gold and then get the hell out of here!
 * Miguel: Tulio, we'll be living like kings!
 * Tulio: Miguel and Tulio!
 * Miguel: Tulio and Miguel! Mighty and powerful...
 * Both: ...gods.
 * Chel: Hello.
 * [they both gasp and whimper, then Chel laughs]
 * Tulio: Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt.
 * Miguel: [hums] Beware the wrath of the gods! Begone! [clicking sound]
 * Chel: Save it for the high priest, honey. You're going to need it.
 * [Miguel clicking sounds]
 * Tulio: Miguel, it's not working.
 * [Miguel click sounds again]
 * Tulio: Miguel! We've been caught.
 * Chel: Oh, no. Don't worry about me, boys. "My only wish is to serve the gods." Remember?
 * Tulio: How?
 * Chel: Well, if you guys want the gold, then you don't want to get caught, right? You're going to need my help.
 * Miguel: What makes you think we need your help?
 * Chel: "Ck-ck." Are you serious?
 * [Altivo whinnies]
 * Miguel: I... What... We... Okay. So, uh, who are you?
 * Tulio: Yeah, uh, what's your angle?
 * Chel: [laughs] No angle. I want in.
 * Tulio: In?
 * Chel: On the scam.
 * Tulio: [chuckling] There's no scam! Why would you think there's a... [to Miguel] Why?
 * Chel: So I can get out.
 * Miguel: I thought she just said she wanted in?
 * Tulio: She wants in so she can get out.
 * Miguel: Aha! Got it. Why?
 * Chel: Think you're the only ones who dream of better things? Of adventure? You've got your reasons, and I've got mine. Let's not make it personal, okay? It's just business.
 * Both: Oh.
 * Chel: So when you guys are ready to go back to wherever you cam from, I'm going with you.
 * Tulio: [laughing] No! Don't think so.
 * [Miguel coughs, then Tulio whistles]
 * Chel: All right. Fine. After all, I'm sure you know the proper rituals for blessing a tribute, the holiest days on the calendar... Oh, and of course you know all about Xibalba. [chuckling] Okay? Good luck. [walks away by Tulio] See you at the execution.
 * Tulio: [gibberish] Wait! Ho... Would you... Hold it.
 * Chel: Deal?
 * Tulio: Hmm.
 * Miguel: Deal.
 * Tulio: [grabs Miguel] Not yet. Let's just see how this works out.
 * Chel: Uh-huh. Well, then I suppose that means you'll want these back?
 * Tulio: [grabs the dice] How'd you get those?
 * Miguel: Where was she keeping them?
 * Chel: Call me, Chel, your new partner. [walks away]
 * Tulio: Uh, that's partner-in-training.
 * Chel: [grabs the blankets] Now put these on. Your public's waiting. [walks away by Tulio and Miguel]
 * [Tulio takes the vest off, then Miguel takes the shirt off]
 * Tulio: [to Chel] Do you mind?
 * Chel: No. Oh! Oh! Oh! Right. Uh, excuse me.
 * [Miguel takes his shoe off]
 * Chel: Bye. [closes the curtain]
 * Miguel: Mm-mm-mmm! Maybe they should call this place "Chel Dorado."
 * Tulio: [chuckling] She's whoo... Whoa! She's in trouble! Wait a minute!
 * Miguel: What?
 * Tulio: The little voice. Remember the little voice? Just for a second imagine that you have one. What would it be saying about Chel?
 * [Miguel purrs]
 * Tulio: No. No. Listen. We are partners.
 * Miguel: We are partners.
 * Tulio: We have a plan, remember?
 * Miguel: Get the gold. Go back to Spain.
 * Tulio: Yes! And we are pretending to be gods. Now, put Chel in the mix. What is the voice saying? Listen, carefully.
 * Miguel: Chel is off-limits, hmm?
 * Tulio: Bravo! Chel is off-limits! [to Miguel] Shake on it. Off-limits.
 * Miguel: Mm. Mm.
 * Both: Mmmm.
 * Miguel: Besides, we're supposed to be gods. We must avoid giving in temptation.
 * Tulio: Gods. Oh. This is going to be tougher than I thought.
 * Miguel: Tulio, relax! All you have to do is smile, act godly and follow my lead.
 * [Tulio gasps]
 * Chief: Big smile. Like you mean it. A-one, two, three.
 * ["It's Tough to Be a God" begins]
 * Tulio: [singing] I hardly think I'm qualified. To come across all sanctified. I just don't cut it with the cherubim.
 * [the baby bites Tulio's finger]
 * Miguel: Tulio, what are you talking about? [singing] There again, they're on their knees. Being worshipped is a breeze. Which rather suits us in. The interim.
 * Tulio: [singing] Interim, interim, it's me and him. Oh, my God!
 * All: [singing] It's tough to be a god!
 * Tulio: [singing] Tread where mortals have not trod. Be deified when really you're a sham!
 * [Altivo bites the fruit]
 * Tulio: [singing] Be an object of devotion, be the subject of psalms!
 * Miguel: [singing] It's a rather touching notion! All those prayers and those salaams!
 * Tulio: [singing] And who am I to bridle? If I'm forced to be an idol? If they say that I'm a god. That's what I am! What's more if we don't comply, with the locals' wishes, I can see us being sacrificed. Or stuffed.
 * Miguel: You have a point there. Very good thinking. [singing] So let's be gods! The perks are great!
 * Tulio: Yeah!
 * Miguel: [singing] El Dorado on our plates.
 * Tulio: Thank you.
 * Miguel: [singing] Local feelings should not be rebuffed.
 * Tulio: [singing] Never rebuffed. I never rebuff a local feeling. No, my friend.
 * All: [singing] It's tough to be a god! But if you get the people's nod! Count your blessings! Yeah, keep 'em sweet! That's our advice!
 * Miguel: It's great advice!
 * All: [singing] Be a symbol of perfection! Be a legend, be a cult! Take their praise, take a collection! As the multitudes exalt!
 * Miguel: [singing] Don a supernatural habit!
 * Tulio: [singing] We'd be crazy not to grab it!
 * Miguel: You got it!
 * All: [singing] So sign on two new gods for paradise! Paradise!
 * [they both tap their cups, then Chief dances with the group, then Altivo dances, laying down on the ground, fade to black, then cut to Tulio and Miguel sleeping, then Tzekel-Kan appears, then they both gasp]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Good morning, my lords!
 * Miguel: He's back!
 * Tulio: Oh, no.
 * Tzekel-Kan: And now it's my turn! The gods have awakened!
 * [they all cheer, then Tulio falls to the ground]
 * Tulio: Mm-hmm.
 * [Chel throws flower petals on the ground]
 * Tulio: Hey, Chel, what's going on?
 * Chel: It's not gonna be good.
 * Tulio: Thank you.
 * Tzekel-Kan: This city has been granted a great blessing. And what have we done to show our gratitude? A meager celebration. The god's deserve a proper tribute!
 * [the woman reveal a bag, then they shake their head]
 * Tzekel-Kan: The beginning of a new era, the dawning of a new age, demands, sacrifice!
 * [the bag reveals a man, then they all gasp]
 * Tulio: I don't like this.
 * Miguel: Tulio, we've got to do something.
 * [Tzekel-Kan pushes the man, raising his axe]
 * Tulio: Stop! This is not a proper tribute!
 * Tzekel-Kan: You do not want the tribute?
 * Miguel: No. No, no. We want tribute. Uh, it's just that, uh... Tulio, tell him.
 * Tulio: The stars are not in position for this tribute!
 * Miguel: Like he says, the stars... Can't do it. Not today.
 * Tzekel-Kan: Ah. Perhaps it is impossible I misread the heavens.
 * Miguel: Don't worry about it. To err is human, to forgive... Hmm.
 * Chief: My lords, may the people of El Dorado offer you our tribute. [points at the women carrying gold]
 * [Tulio gasps, looking at the people holding gold]
 * Chief: My lords, does this please you?
 * [Tulio sighs]
 * Miguel: Yes, very nice.
 * Tulio: Certainly acceptable.
 * Miguel: Yes, lovely. It'll do.
 * Chief: The gods have chosen! To Xibalba?
 * [the crowd murmur]
 * Chel: No. No.
 * Both: To Xibalba!
 * Chel: Oh, great.
 * [the woman throws gold in the whirlpool, then they look at the gold falling in the whirlpool]
 * Miguel: Hey, Chel, um, what are they doing?
 * Chel: They're sending it Xibalba, the spirit world.
 * [the gold continues falling the whirlpool]
 * Tulio: The spirit world.
 * Chel: I'll take care of it. [clears throat] Um, excuse me, Chief. The gods have changed their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the reverence that has been shown them.
 * Chief: Stop!
 * [they woman natives stop throwing gold in the whirlpool, then a gold plate rolls by Tulio, and stops it with his foot]
 * Chief: They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple!
 * [Chel walks by Tulio and Miguel]
 * Tulio: Nice going.
 * [they all walk in, then Chief chuckles]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Smile while you can.
 * [cut to Cortes, breaking a skull]
 * Cortes: [looking around] Well, well, well, what have we here? [evil chuckle]
 * [cut back to El Dorado]
 * Tulio: Ai-ai-ai.
 * Miguel: [singing] Tons of gold for you, hah!
 * Tulio: [singing] And tons of gold for me, hoo!
 * Both: [singing] And tons of gold for we, ah!
 * Tulio: Not bad for a day's work, eh?
 * Miguel: Not bad at all.
 * Tulio: Yeah. We just became richer than the king of Spain. [laughing]
 * Miguel: You know, speaking of kings, the chief and the high priest seem a bit, uh, tense.
 * Tulio: Buenos Dias! Listen, all we have to do is keep playing the one against the other. You know, do a little god dance, chant some mystic mumbo jumbo, dazzle 'em with some smoke and mirrors and then get the hell back to Spain.
 * Miguel: Um, Tulio, how are we gonna get all this back to Spain?
 * Tulio: Ummm...
 * Chief: A boat?
 * Tulio: Yeah.
 * Miguel: Um, we really hate to be ascending so soon, but, uh, some urgent business has come up, family matters, you know, and it's just a bit...
 * Tulio: Yeah, family.
 * Miguel: Badda-bing, budda-boom, you know what I mean?
 * Chief: Oh, we expected you to be staying with us for the next thousand years.
 * Tulio: Well, as we say in the spirit world, there's your plan and then, there's the gods' plan.
 * Miguel: Mm-hmm.
 * Tulio: And our plan, uh, calls for a boat, 'cause we're gonna ascend kind of in a horizontal pattern at first.
 * [Miguel chuckles]
 * Tulio: And then we're gonna go vertical, uh, as we get further out to sea.
 * Chief: Hmm. To build a boat large and glorious enough, would take about a week.
 * Tulio: A week? Hmm.
 * Miguel: Um...
 * Tulio: Uh, I wonder how long it would take Tzekel-Kan to do it.
 * Chief: But... But for the gods, uh, three days.
 * Tulio: Uh...
 * Miguel: Well, if that's the best you can do.
 * Chief: Oh, perhaps if you were not burdened with so much tribute, you could leave sooner.
 * Miguel: Hmm?
 * Tulio: Hmm? I like it here. Miguel?
 * Miguel: Yep, yep. Three days is just fine.
 * Tulio: [throws gold up] No, three days is not fine. This is a real...
 * Chel: Mmm.
 * Tulio: ...these, these are the ones, problem.
 * Chel: Oh, thank you.
 * Tulio: [to Miguel] Miguel, how are we gonna keep this up for three days?
 * Miguel: [yawning] You worry too much.
 * Tulio: No, I worry exactly the right amount. You can never worry too much. We just have to lie low.
 * Miguel: But, Tulio, this place is amazing! I mean, I wonder what's...
 * Tulio: No! Don't even move!
 * Miguel: Tulio...
 * Tulio: You're moving!
 * Miguel: A little bit, but, just...
 * Tulio: Hey! Hey! Hey!
 * Miguel: Come on.
 * Tulio: [stammering] Stay!
 * Miguel: I gotta... I... I just...
 * Tulio: [groans] Just stand there!
 * Miguel: For three days? [falls down, clattering]
 * Tulio: Yes! Exactly. For three days. Don't even breathe. All right?
 * Miguel: [shakes his shirt] All right. We lie low.
 * Tulio: No, ah, ah, ah, ah. Promise?
 * Miguel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right.
 * Tulio: Great! Good. Okay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to gloat over my gold.
 * [Chel giggles, then Tulio kisses the gold]
 * Tulio: Oh, yum, yum, yum.
 * Chel: [walks by Miguel] It's beautiful, isn't it?
 * Miguel: Yeah!
 * Chel: You know, you really shouldn't miss it.
 * Miguel: I know. But I couldn't.
 * Chel: Go ahead. I'll cover for you.
 * Miguel: Oh, good. Thanks. [walks away by Chel] So, what happened to Altivo?
 * Chel: I don't know.
 * Tulio: [singing] Tulio goes for paradise! [spoken] Hey, what happened to Miguel?
 * Chel: I don't know.
 * Tulio: [drops the gold] Oh, my God! He's gone! Miguel's gone! He's loose! What am I going to do? Oh, no, no! [sobbing]
 * Chel: Oh, Miguel is right. You worry too much.
 * Tulio: [groaning] Oh. Ooh. [moaning] Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, down, down, down, down.
 * [Chel hums]
 * Tulio: No! No! Big trouble. [gets up] Big trouble. [chuckling] Whoa! Look, sweetheart, we're in the middle of a con here, walking the razor's edge. On the one hand, gold! On the other hand, painful, agonizing failure! [clears throat] I can't afford any tempta... uh, distractions. So, I'm sorry. So sorry. [takes a sharp inhale] But perhaps another time? Another place, hmm?
 * Chel: [chuckling] Too bad. I'm free now.
 * Tulio: I'm not really sure I trust you.
 * Chel: I'm not really asking you to trust me. Am I?
 * Tulio: Whoo. 'Kay. [rubs Chel, moaning] Ooh, yeah.
 * [cut to Miguel, walking down, looking at the birds, then looking at the people running, then walking to Acolyte]
 * Miguel: [to Acolyte] Excuse me. Excuse me? Hey, where is everybody?
 * Acolyte: They've been cleared for the streets, my lord, so the city can be cleansed, as you ordered.
 * Miguel: Cleansed?
 * Acolyte: Yes. So the Age of the Jaguar can begin, as you ordered, my lord.
 * Man: Get back in! Where are you going?
 * Miguel: Hey! Hey, stop that!
 * Man: Move!
 * Miguel: Hey, stop that! What are you doing? Stop that!
 * Acolyte: But, my lord, anyone who disobeys your orders must be punished, as your ordered.
 * Miguel: It seems I've been giving a lot of orders, haven't I?
 * Acolyte: Tzekel-Kan has made your commands clear, my lord.
 * Miguel: Really? Here's an order: Take the day off.
 * Man: Huh?
 * Miguel: Are you all right?
 * [the man pants]
 * Miguel: Here.
 * [the man hands the gold]
 * Miguel: Oh, no! It's all right, please.
 * [the man runs away by Miguel, then tripping on the wood, with instruments falling down, then Miguel plays the guitar]
 * Miguel: Hey, Altivo. There you are.
 * [the kids gasp, then playing the guitar, then the kids watch Miguel playing a guitar, then they chuckle, then the men watch Miguel playing a guitar, then the music begins "Without Question" by Elton John playing, then taking a guitar to the man, then walking away, looking at the fish, looking at the people, then the men spin around, then Miguel spins around, then the man takes a bowl to Miguel, then feeding the birds, then the flamingo eats the bird feed, then walking down on a turtle, then putting a domino on the floor, then knocking the dominoes down, revealing the sun, running away, looking at Altivo, with a brown ball passing at Miguel, then the kids play with a brown ball, looking at the children, throwing a brown ball up, then the children play with a ball, taking it to Miguel, then bouncing on the knee, and the butt, then they run down, then Tzekel-Kan and Acolyte watch Miguel and the children with a brown ball bouncing on his knee]
 * Tzekel-Kan: '[looks at a book] Hmm. This is not what I expected. Perhaps Lord Tulio will enlighten me. [puts the book away, chuckling, licking on his tongue, smearing on the head] How do I look?
 * Acolyte: Oh, uh... Well, you...
 * Tzekel-Kan: Oh, shut up.
 * Tulio: [gasping] Oh! Whoa!
 * Tzekel-Kan: My lord?
 * [they get up]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Hello?
 * Chel: [puts Tulio down] The high priest.
 * Tulio: Ow!
 * Chel: What's he gonna think if he finds one of the gods like this with me?
 * Tulio: Uh, lucky god?
 * Chel: Just... [shakes Tulio]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Hello?
 * [Chel kicks Tulio, then Chel hides down]
 * Tulio: Oh, Tzekel-Kan! What brings you here?
 * Tzekel-Kan: I humbly request an audience with you, my lord.
 * Tulio: Lord, yes, what can I do for you?
 * Tzekel-Kan: My lord, I have just seen Lord Miguel out among the people.
 * Tulio: Really?
 * Tzekel-Kan: If I may be so bold as to offer some advice.
 * Tulio: All right. Shoot.
 * Tzekel-Kan: [clears throat] My lord, you are perfect.
 * Tulio: Oh, well. Go on.
 * Tzekel-Kan: But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. Like snakes they are. Spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating with no remorse. [eats a pear, spitting out] Spinning webs of lies, like spiders! [grabs a spider]
 * Tulio: Stop it! That's disgusting.
 * Tzekel-Kan: They're beyond disgusting!
 * Tulio: Yeah, yeah, way beyond.
 * Tzekel-Kan: Then we're in agreement. I'll begin the necessary preparations immediately. Now, do you wish to have your victims bound to an altar, or would you prefer them free-range?
 * [Tulio mutters]
 * Tzekel-Kan: And will you be devouring their essence whole, or piece by piece?
 * Tulio: Tzekel, you lost me.
 * Tzekel-Kan: My lord, these people will not respect you if they do not fear you.
 * Tulio: And, of course, we'll make them fear us by...
 * Tzekel-Kan: A sacrifice, as it is prophesied. The history of the Age of the Jaguar will be written in...
 * Tulio: Ink?
 * Tzekel-Kan: Blood!
 * Tulio: Blood! Oh, right. Of course. I should probably consult with Lord Miguel. This is fairly important stuff. I, um, should discuss the entire, uh, blood issue right away. Excuse us, won't you? Let's go.
 * [they both walk down]
 * Tzekel-Kan: [chuckling] Finally, we're connecting.
 * [cut back to Cortes and the guards, looking at the bird shape]
 * Cortes: [to the guards] This way.
 * [cut back to El Dorado, playing with the ball, running to Miguel]
 * Tulio: [the ball hits on his head] What do you think you're doing?
 * Miguel: [chuckling] Lying low.
 * Tulio: [grunting] Look, change of plans. We have to grab what we can carry and get out of here now!
 * Miguel: What? Why?
 * Tulio: Because the high priest is nuts! He wants...
 * Tzekel-Kan: This is unacceptable!
 * Tulio: Yeah. Yeah. Like he said.
 * Tzekel-Kan: The gods should not be playing ball like this!
 * Tulio: Well, exactly!
 * Tzekel-Kan: This is how the gods should play ball!
 * [they all cheer, then they hear a horn]
 * Miguel: Well, don't blame me.
 * Tulio: [to Miguel] I blame you.
 * [they all cheer]
 * Tulio: What is the object of this game, pray tell?
 * Chel: You've gotta knock the ball through the hoop.
 * Tulio: What hoop?
 * Chel: That hoop.
 * [they all look at the hoop]
 * Tulio: That's impossible. We're gonna lose.
 * Chel: Gods don't lose.
 * [Tzekel-Kan snaps his fingers, then the men run up]
 * Men: Heep-ha!
 * Tzekel-Kan: My lords, Chief Tannabok's warriors are the finest ballplayers in the city. Fifteen mere mortals against two gods.
 * [they both gulp]
 * Tzekel-Kan: I realize it's a bit uneven...
 * Men: Heep-ha!
 * Tzekel-Kan: ...but I do hope they'll challenge you enough to make the game interesting. Play ball!
 * [the crowd cheer, then Tzekel-Kan puts a brown ball on the ground]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Crush them into the dust. [chuckling] Enjoy.
 * Crowd: [chanting] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
 * [the men run up to Tulio and Miguel, kicking the brown ball, dodging the brown ball]
 * Chel: D'oh. D'oh.
 * [the men watch the brown ball bounce]
 * Tzekel-Kan: My lords, were you supposed to put the ball into play?
 * Tulio: Ohh! Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We were merely demonstrating the, um, traditional, uh, first avoidance maneuver.
 * Tzekel-Kan: Ah. I've never heard such a thing.
 * Miguel: Excuse me. Who invented this game?
 * Tzekel-Kan: Why the gods... [chuckling] ...of course.
 * Tulio: I'm warning you, don't push your luck with this guy.
 * Miguel: But, Tulio, we're the gods. [throws a brown ball at the men, then kicking the ball, knocking their butts, hitting the wall]
 * Chel: Tulio! The hip! The hip!
 * [Tulio knocks the ball, hitting the wall]
 * Tulio: [panting] This is impossible.
 * [the man kicks the brown ball in the hoop, then they cheer, blowing the horn, then they groan, putting the gold on]
 * Miguel: Excuse me?
 * Men: Heep... Haaa!
 * [the man puts another gold on]
 * Men: Heep-ha! Heep-ha! Heep-ha! Heep-ha!
 * [the men run by Tulio and Miguel, then they both groan, then they play with a ball, showing the gold, making it nine, then the men grab the brown ball]
 * Chel: Foul! That was a foul!
 * [the men grab the brown ball, bouncing by Chel]
 * Warrior: New ball!
 * [they both pant]
 * Tulio: How long does this go on anyway?
 * Chel: The game is over when the shadow touches this line.
 * Miguel: We need a miracle.
 * Tulio: No, we need to cheat. [takes Bibo]
 * [the men try to grab Bibo, rolling around Miguel, landing in the wheel]
 * Both: Yes!
 * [the crowd cheer, then they hear a horn, then the men knock Bibo into the hoop]
 * Both: Huh?
 * [the men kick Bibo, then Tulio kicks Bibo into the hoop, then Tzekel-Kan claps]
 * Chel: Whoo-hoo-hoo!
 * [Miguel kicks the Bibo in the hoop]
 * Both: Ole!
 * [Tulio kicks Bibo into the hoop, then they kick their butts, kicking Bibo on the hoop, rolling around, bouncing back and forth]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Hmm.
 * [the men stand up, showing the gold, because it's a tie]
 * Chel: Yes! [laughing]
 * Miguel: Who's the god?
 * Tulio: You de god. [kicks Bibo]
 * Miguel: No, you the god.
 * Tulio: No, you de god.
 * Miguel: Fine.
 * [Bibo bounces in a ball bin, then Chel takes a brown ball to Tulio and Miguel]
 * Chel: Yeah! Yeah!
 * [Bibo coughs, then the brown ball bounces by Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo flies the brown ball to Tulio and Miguel, pounding the ball on his hands]
 * Chel: Guys, it's here! It's right here with me!
 * [the brown ball hits Tulio, then they gasp, hitting Miguel, kicking the ball in the hoop, then they gasp, then they all gasp, then Bibo chitters, then they look at the brown ball in the hoop, then Altivo taps the wall, letting the brown ball fall down, then they all cheer, then blowing a horn]
 * Tzekel-Kan: I love this game! [laughing]
 * Both: Yes!
 * ''[they knock their bodies]
 * Tulio: Well done, partner.
 * Chel: Yes! Yes!
 * Tzekel-Kan: My lords, congratulations on your victory. And now, you will, of course, wish to have the losing team, sacrificed to your glory.
 * ''[the men bow down, groaning]
 * Miguel: Not again. Look, Tzekel-Kan...
 * Tulio: Uh, Miguel?
 * Miguel: ...forget the sacrifices.
 * Tulio: Miguel.
 * Miguel: We don't want any sacrifices.
 * Tzekel-Kan: But all of the sacred writings say that will you devour the wicked and the unrighteous.
 * Miguel: Well, I don't see anyone here who fits that description.
 * Tzekel-Kan: [scoffs] Well, as speaker for the gods, it would be my privilege to point them out.
 * Miguel: The gods are speaking for themselves now! This city and these people have no need for you anymore! [pushes Tzekel-Kan] There will be no sacrifices! [stands the men up] Not now, not ever!
 * ''[the crowd cheer]
 * Miguel: [to Tzekel-Kan] Get out!
 * ''[Tzekel-Kan gasps, then scoffs, then the crowd continue cheering, then Tzekel-Kan gasps, then the eyebrow puts blood inside]
 * Tzekel-Kan: Mmm. As the gods, command.
 * ''[the men grab Miguel, then the men grab Tulio]
 * Miguel: Hey, not bad for my first commandment, huh?
 * Tulio: [laughing] Miguel, the little voice... [stammering] Yeah, fine.