Asterix Conquers America/Transcript

NARRATOR: Back in the year 48 B. C... ...everyone believed the earth was flat as a pizza.

Right in the middle, where the anchovies converge, was Rome.

And Julius Caesar, he was the big cheese.

Julius Caesar bestrode the world like a colossus... ...and his thumping great sandal came right down on top of Gaul.

But there was a pebble in his sandal as he strode to victory.

One village of indomitable Gauls who had the gall to defy Caesar's legions.

The brave villagers had only one fear:

That the sky would fall on their heads tomorrow.

But as their chief, Vitalstatistix, said:

Yesterday was tomorrow the day before yesterday.

NARRATOR: Which, roughly translated, means tomorrow never comes.

The secret of the Gauls' courage was a potion brewed by the druid, Getafix.

It was this that made the Gauls invincible, inexhaustible... ...and in Caesar's opinion, intolerable.

[GROWLS]

MAN: Brave sons of Roma!

Mama mia! Get the inferno out of here!

Terrorista!

Soldati. You see these barbarians, they got no respect for us!

Caesar, he say that's no good. We gotta teach them respect, okay?

-What's the matter, Corpulentus? -It's Legionnaires' disease.

Silenzio, you wasters!

You all know the drill, you bunch of salami-heads!

Today we're all gonna be tortoises!

By the right! Tortoise formation! Pronto! Pronto!

Get a move on! Move it, you stupido!

Did l say at ease? You big girls' blouses!

Pronto, pronto! That's right! Very good!

Okay! By the left! Pizza formation!

[METAL CLANKING]

At the double! Ouch!

Who did that? You think l forget that? l do not forget that!

Ouch!

Bella, bella.

Now in mouthwatering, bite-size slices.

Right away!

That's good! Just make sure the Gauls do not eat you for dinner!

MAN: Paws off, Obelix! You're fat enough already!

What do you mean, fat? I'm big-boned. I only eat once a day.

Yeah, from dawn till dusk.

Very funny! Surely one boar for breakfast isn't too much?

Come on, Dogmatix.

-How many did you have today? -Three small ones. Piglets, really.

-Morning, Panacea. -Hello, boys.

[OBELIX SIGHS]

[CRASHING]

OBELIX: Did I do something wrong?

ASTERIX: Come on, Obelix. OBELlX: I was only being polite.

That's what I call toppling the monarchy!

Hello, Cacofonix! Can you see what the Romans are doing?

What should the Romans be doing? They're hiding from us, aren't they?

Oh, no. Oh, no!

CORPULENTUS: Come on, get in there!

CENTURION: You call that a battle pyramid?

A new lot of Romans have arrived! The Romans are coming!

MAN: Stop the squawking! Do you hear me?

-Oh, no. -Goody, goody! Fresh Romans!

New Romans. Boy, oh, boy!

Romans, everybody! Romans! The Romans are here!

[CHATTERING]

Boys, boys, slow down!

Stop!

There's enough for everyone!

GAUL 1: There's a queue here, mate! GAUL 2: What about some service?

-Asterix, you first! -Yum, yum, yum!

Obelix, not you! You fell into the magic potion when you were a baby!

That's enough to last you a lifetime!

It's worn off. I feel really weak. I only had a small breakfast.

[LAUGHING]

All right, bottoms up!

[CHEERING]

LUCULLUS: Now Hannibal's Gooseberry.

[KISSES]

Bella. Romans, to the attack!

What the--?

[SCREAMS]

Get stuck in, lads! This way!

ALL: You're gonna get your Roman heads kicked in!

Oh, no! No, please! I'll court-martial the lot of you!

Oh, no! Sharp and pointy!

Go on, men! Show no mercy! Take no prisoners!

Punch them up the bracket!

Quickly, on the defense! Mark your man!

Hey, you, that's offsides!

What a terrible year for Romans!

The 46 B.C. squad were much better!

Here, give this one a go!

You're right, they're absolutely useless in the air.

Pulverize them! Draw them! Quarter them!

Throttle them... Where was I?

Knee them in the squidgy bits! Slice them, dice them!

I mean...

Leading from the rear? That's just the pits!

-Come on out here! -Remember the Geneva Convention.

There won't be another rematch until you Romans get a better team.

Tell your Caesar that, okay?

Whenever I send a message, I always use... ...airmail!

NARRATOR: Rome, the most important city in the universe.

Home of everything great about civilization.

The Senate, the Coliseum... ...and those little pasta things shaped like shells.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Alms for the legless!

[SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: The Roman senators were steamed up about the Gauls.

SENATOR 1 : Who's taken my towel?

SENATOR 2: Even if you get good odds on the Christians... ...it's stupid not to bet on the lions.

This steam's playing havoc with my laurel leaves.

They've lost their bounce!

Cease your prattling!

Steam makes our bodies strong as swords tempered in the fire!

SENATOR 2: Things are gonna get really hot under the collar.

It'll get hotter for him if the Gauls continue to fan the flames of revolt.

Yes, he's in the hot seat, all right. We'll make sure he sweats it out!

Where's that shirker, Brutus? He should take care of this job.

He'll stab you in the back.

Stab in the back?

Emperor! Great Caesar! Take heed--

[SCREAMS]

Excuse me!

[KNOCKING]

-Come in! Water on the coals, slave. -Ave, Caesar!

CAESAR: Come forward and be heard. -This is a total pea soup!

Oh, ouch, oh. Ouch!

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

Now, there's an Olympic event the Greeks never thought of.

Diving!

Ave, Caesar! The freshly-bathed salute you!

Ave, ave, centurion!

-I just wanted to say-- CAESAR: Yes, yes? Spit it out, man!

-The Gauls! SENATORS: Oh, no! Not again!

SENATOR 2: We've had enough of this! SENATOR 1: Yes, we've had enough!

CAESAR: No! I cannot!

I will not be humiliated in front of my senators!

Just because country bumpkins... ...dare to oppose me and all-powerful Rome!

I've got to put a stop to it! Right now!

[CLANGING]

As long as they have their potion...

Exactly. That damn potion is endangering my career.

Without it, the Gauls would have been conquered long ago.

As long as that druid continues to brew his magic potion... ...no military campaign will have any effect.

I have it! We simply capture their druid... ...and throw him to the lions!

And then for seconds, we'll feed them the rest of the village.

A brilliant idea! But there's one tiny flaw, emperor.

-And what might that be, Lucullus? -Druids are said to be immortal!

That's the trouble with druids. They're so inconsiderate.

Let me think. We shall have to be more cunning.

I know!

We'll take the druid to the end of the world, and then...

Out there, he'll be lost for all eternity!

Your brilliance is exceeded only by your cruelty!

But who would be so stupid--?

I mean, so courageous to sail to the end of the world?

I can think of someone who was made for the task.

You, Lucullus. You'll do it.

But I...

You. And I won't take no for an answer.

All I can say is, thank heavens the world is flat.

All I can say is, thank heavens the world is flat.

That stinking fish dealer has gone too far!

The last time that fish was fresh was when I was in short trousers.

-Unhygienix! -What can I do for you, chief?

You've done quite enough! My bearers are in pain!

You poisoned them with your fish!

My fish don't stink.

Don't make me laugh! Your fish stink worse than your socks!

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah! Your fish stink to--

Rubbish!

Try them yourself for once!

-Friends, friends-- -My fish do not stink!

VITALSTATISTIX: Friends, let's talk this over like mature--

VILLAGER: What's going on? Hang on a minute!

How do you like that?

They send us out for food while they stay home and have a good time!

Let me have a go!

LUCULLUS: What a wonderful sight! Gauls beating their brains out!

Do excuse me, gentlemen, but I must go and change.

Okay, shut your eyes Quickly into my disguise

Grab a gown, pull it down Stick-on beard, that feels weird

Just a dab of eau de Gaul

Behold the fairest druid of all!

They're like big kids. Every day, any excuse for a fight.

Yeah, but it's exercise.

Right on cue. Fresh fish, that's what we need.

The potion won't work without it.

It's revolting! It's disgusting!

Look out!

The potion! No, I've got it!

Don't worry, I'll get it! I've got it! I've got it!

What a butterfingers I am!

Why now, when herbs are at a premium? Blockhead!

Yeah, blockhead! And all because you're so clumsy.

-Me?! I like that! -No good crying over spilt potion.

Hey, wait a minute. There's a drop left.

A drop? That won't last two minutes.

You drink it by the gallon. We must brew more.

Someone has to go fishing. We need fresh fish, mind you.

-I can fish. -Me too! I know all about fishing!

Hurry up, our lives depend on it. I'll go and collect herbs.

[DOGMATIX BARKS]

OBELIX: No, my little sausage, you'd better stay on land.

Getafix needs a guard dog.

Come on, Dogmatix. No time to lose.

Kids, all of them. If only they knew the danger we're in.

[DOGMATIX BARKS]

GETAFIX: Shush, Dogmatix. Not so loud! We don't want the Romans to hear.

We're behind enemy lines. Didn't you read that sign?

''Trespassers will be slaughtered. P.S. We're not kidding. ''

And one of these. That's it.

The only thing I need now is the fresh fish.

Dogmatix!

[DOGMATIX GROWLS]

Get lost, you stupid mutt!

GETAFlX: Dogmatix, what's wrong? Dogmatix, where are you?

Come on, come on!

The Agaricus muscarius, esteemed colleague!

Now, let me guess. You want to catch flies with it.

No, not flies, dear colleague.

Druids!

What did I tell you? Catching druids is child's play!

You're no druid! Let me out, you monster!

It should be deep enough here.

I'm afraid we have to turn back. We've run out of food!

You greedy pig! Why not scarf the boat too?

Please throw out the net.

Aye, aye, captain! Ordinary Seaman Obelix will now throw out the net.

ASTERIX: No, not like that!

-Obelix. -Here, fishes! Here, fishy-wishies!

-Obelix. -Here, fishies! Come to Uncle Obelix!

-Obelix! -Shh. What's the matter with you?

You're frightening away all my little fishy-wishies!

When I said throw out the net... ...I meant, tie one end to the boat first.

Not throw it away completely, you simpleton!

Well, isn't that just typical?

Now he's Captain Asterix, doesn't he act all high and mighty?

And another thing, Captain Asterix... ...I'm a menhir deliverer, not a net-thrower-outer!

That's obvious. Know what's between your ears?

Absolutely nothing!

-Says who? -Says me!

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah!

-Yeah? -Yeah!

-You looking for some? -Try something!

MAN 1 : Go away! WOMAN 1 : Go sing at sea!

MAN 2: Maybe a few fish will float to the top!

Idiots, idiots! Philistines!

I'm sure our aquatic brethren will be more appreciative.

A prophet is without honor in his own land!

GETAFIX: Help!

CACOFONIX: What's this? Am I seeing things?

It can't be true. It's Getafix!

Alarm-o! Alarm-o! With a hey, diddly-die-do!

The Romans have got Getafix!

Our druid-o! Our druid-o!

LUCULLUS: A brilliant plan! Say farewell, druid.

You won't be seeing Gaul again!

Don't count your chickens! Asterix and Obelix will come after you.

If need be, to the end of the world.

What a coincidence!

That's exactly where you're going, you doddering old fool!

ASTERIX: Puddinghead!

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

You can take a long walk off a short deck.

ASTERIX: I can, can't I? I have one thing to say, gutbucket!

Hey, Gauls!

Button your lip or I'll button it for you!

GETAFIX: Asterix, Obelix, help!

Say ciao to your druid, Gauls!

-It's Getafix! -Dogmatix! Daddy's little pet!

Bring our druid back or you'll regret it!

If you touch one hair on my little dog's head--

Don't make me laugh! Come and get him!

We'll do just that! Obelix, out with the oars!

OBELIX: Aye, aye! ASTERIX: No!

Belinus, give me strength.

What's wrong with you now? You did say--

Yeah, I did, Obelix. What are we gonna do?

We're up doo-doo creek with no paddle!

Is this the Captain Asterix who's always getting me out of trouble?

It's lucky I'm here!

[WATER SPLASHES]

Hey, now, don't overdo it.

OBELIX: Hang on, Romans, we're coming!

ASTERIX: Now we're really motoring!

More to the right. The right!

OBELIX: Which? -The hand you punch Romans with!

I punch Romans with both hands!

CORPULENTUS: They're gaining on us. -Fear not, that can be taken care of.

Dear sportsmen! It's time for the race.

Will Oxfordia, sporting the dark blue bruises... ...hold sway over Cambridgensia, with the light blue contusions?

Shall we see?

PRISONERS: Hooray!

On your marks! Get set!

We'd like to wish you gentlemen the very best of luck.

ROWER: That's civil of you.

Should we win? We'll naturally give you a rematch.

-Capital! Spoken like a gentleman! -No more than you, sir.

[WHIP CRACKS]

Go!

PARROT AND PIRATES SING: For he's a jolly good pirate

For he's a jolly good pirate

And so say all of us

PIRATES: Happy birthday, captain!

Where was I?! Ho-ho.

We had a bit of a whip round.

We thought you could use this if we happen to bump into some Gauls.

That's very sweet, but I won't be needing it.

If I come across them Gauls again, I'll wring their necks

They'll be dead ducks!

And now let's have a party. You're all invited.

PIRATE 1: I love parties! PlRATE 2: Is there red and green jelly?

Gauls! Gauls!

Gauls on the starboard now!

Please, not today.

[SCREAMING]

PARROT SINGS: For he's a jolly good pirate

For he's a jolly good pirate For he's a jolly good pirate

All right, that's enough.

PARROT SINGS: And so say all of us!

ASTERIX: Faster, Obelix, faster!

OBELIX: No problem. l'm going into overdrive...now!

ASTERIX: Oh, looks like we're in for a storm!

OBELIX: I'm taking on water. -That's torn it!

-If I can just... OBELIX: I'm drinking all this water!

Hurry up, climb aboard!

All right, keep your hair on! Do you think it will get any worse?

The wind looks fresh and strong, increasing southwest--

Hang on! We're being carried away!

OBELIX: Look at that wave! Heave to!

ASTERIX: Oh, no! OBELIX: Oh, no! Bye, Bele!

[LAUGHING]

LUCULLUS: That's the last we'll see of them!

The fish will soon be dining on your friends.

GAUL 1: Until Getafix gets back, we're sitting ducks.

GAUL 2: We've never faced the Romans without them. What if they attack?

We can't hold out without Asterix and Obelix.

We've still got a little bit of potion but it won't last forever.

By Belinus, the gods are against us.

Don't be afraid, Auntie Impedimenta. I'll protect you from the Romans.

-You're a good boy. GAUL 1: Spoken like a true Gaul!

GAUL 2: That's the spirit! We're not beaten yet.

Where are we?

It's obvious. North of... Well, no, perhaps south...

We're not far behind Getafix, okay?

And what about Dogmatix?

To think that I may never get a kiss from his little wet nose again!

Look, druid, we're approaching the end of the world... ...the end of you and the end of a perfect day.

Dogmatix! Get him, boy!

Ouch! You sniveling cur! You little barbarian!

Here, take a good look at this, druid.

A small foretaste of your own fate!

Let him go! You'll regret this, Roman!

My only regret is that I didn't think of... ...feeding this mutt to the sharks earlier.

[LAUGHING]

It's your turn soon, druid!

Dogmatix! No!

Dog overboard! Full speed ahead!

[DOLPHIN CHIRPS]

[DOGMATIX BARKS]

What's that? Dogfish?

No, by Teutates, it's Dogmatix!

-Yeah, Dogmatix! -Here, boy, here! Dogmatix!

Oh, my little pet!

I never thought l'd see Daddy's little poppet again!

Look, the dolphin! He's trying to tell us something. After him!

OBELlX: What did he say? ASTERlX: l don't speak dolphin.

OBELlX: No? Really? Well, you do surprise me!

CENTURlON: Let's go through this one more time before Caesar gets here.

You see in front of you the latest development in long-range warfare.

The man-eating lion launcher.

For those of you with spaghetti for brains... ...I'll do this one more time!

On the order that I shall give and not before... ...first the safety catch will be removed. Like so!

Simplissimo, eh?

And remember, never, not nohow... ...I repeat, never, not nohow, you turn your back on a loaded lion.

That is, if you don't want to end up as antipasto.

And remember, keep your little paws off this rope here.

When I give the order, it will be severed.

Like so!

SOLDlERS: We're fit, we're brave, we're strong, We speak Latin all day long

Fighting Gauls is what we do We'll make them speak Latin too

LUCULLUS: There goes the sun... ...slipping off the edge of the world right now.

Stupidus, how's the water level?

Full fathom five. We're at the shallow end.

Wonderful, we're here!

Any closer and we'd be banging against the edge.

And now raise the catapult!

Okay, okay.

That's the boat, all right, but why have they stopped?

What's going on?

Well, the good news is, you don't have to be tied to the mast anymore.

The bad news is, I'm going to catapult you off the edge of the world.

The gods will get you for this, Roman!

By Pluto, it's a load of Gauls!

Jettison this geriatric and let's get out of here!

CORPULENTUS: Don't forget to write! -By Belinus, Obelix! Quick!

OBELlX: Getafix, we're coming!

ASTERIX: Slow down! We're going to hit the edge!

Stop, stop!

Nothing beats the sight of your enemies going down in the West.

And all thanks to my brilliant mind!

Oh, well. Better get back to Gaul.

Obelix, wake up.

Where am I? Dogmatix, are we dead?

I don't think so.

Come on. Let's see what's on the top of those cliffs.

-Don't go up there. It's dangerous. -I'll just take a peek.

OBELIX: It's the edge of the world. You'll fall!

By Belinus and Teutates! Take a look at this, Obelix!

No, we'll both fall and then Dogmatix will be an orphan.

Getafix must have landed somewhere out there.

-I'm tired. Let's call it a day. -Okay.

-I'm starving. -Me too.

Right. You light the fire. I'll rustle us up a few boar.

Come on, Dogmatix. Walkies. Dogmatix! Dogmatix, heel!

[DOGMATIX BARKS]

What's wrong? Oh, come to Daddy. Who frightened diddums, then?

ASTERIX: Oh, my! What the heck is that?

-It's an oven-ready gobble-gobble! -lt's incredible.

But it's edible. Light a fire, quick!

Look what I got, Asterix. Aren't they beautiful?

Don't go counting your chickens. We haven't tasted them yet.

OBELIX: Who'd have thought it? Tastes nice.

ASTERIX: Yeah, very nice!

Though I wonder if it would taste better stuffed.

-Stuffed with boar, for example. ASTERIX: I wonder where Getafix is.

I hope he's all right. Hope he's found somewhere to sleep.

OBELlX: We'll definitely find him... ...in the morning.

-Good night. -Good night.

NARRATOR: Back home, the Gauls prepared for the inevitable Roman attack.

They built reinforcements.

Then they built reinforcements on the reinforcements.

When you are up against the Romans, you couldn't be too reinforced.

Oh, well. Time to get up.

Wakey wakey, Obelix.

Lazy bones, move yourself! We've gotta find Getafix.

Get up. Time for breakfast.

Breakfast? Did someone say breakfast? Yum-yum!

Am I hungry! I could eat 10 boars. What are we having?

Gobble-gobbles, what else? Someone has to catch them first.

Oh, like me, for instance.

Oh, all right then. Come on, Dogmatix, walkies. Come on!

Obelix? Dogmatix?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Dogmatix, pay attention. I'm gonna teach you a hunting trick.

You imitate the cry of the whatever we're hunting. Now, listen.

Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble!

MAN: Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble,

Do you hear? It worked. Up there. Now, hunting tip number two:

We sneak along on tiptoe... ...and then we shake our feathered friend out of its nest. Tweet-tweet!

[SCREAMING]

It's got feathers but it's not a gobble-gobble. It's a red bird-man.

Maybe he knows something about our druid.

I better show him to Asterix.

Hey, look. It's an oven-ready Roman disguised as a gobble-gobble.

They're mad! Asterix?

Come on out, stop messing about. What's this?

Asterix never takes his helmet off. Not even to wash his hair.

-Someone must have knocked it off. SCOUT: Geronimo!

What?

[CRASHING]

Right, you! Where's Asterix? Out with it!

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Wonder what that means? Maybe Asterix will know.

Search, Dogmatix, search for Asterix.

Hey, slow down.

That dog can sniff faster than I can run!

[DRUMS BEATING]

[CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Paws off!

-Well, I've had warmer welcomes. -Getafix! Are you okay?

I was lucky. Caesar thinks I fell off the edge of the earth.

-But the earth isn't flat. It's round. -Wow!

I landed on Laughing Boy's tepee over there.

[CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

But where are we?

I believe this is the secret land of Indus.

-If so, these natives must be red... ASTERIX: Indussans?

GETAFIX: No, I think we'll find they prefer to be called Native Americans.

OBELIX: Keep your nose to the ground, Dogmatix.

Hello, what's that?

[DOGMATIX CRIES]

Dogmatix, the end is nigh!

The sky's falling on our heads!

[GIRL SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

By Teutates, it's a girl!

A Gaul always helps a lady in distress.

Hang on, miss! Here comes help! ETA: any minute now!

I'll save you!

Phew.

It's a 40-buffalo pileup. Just look at the size of them!

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Pom tittle what?

She's talking funny. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you speak English?

-At-Tischoo. -Bless you.

At-Tischoo!

Oh, you, At-Tischoo! Me, Obelix.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Watch where you throw that thing! You could take somebody's eye out!

-The social niceties are over with. -Obelix is our only hope.

ASTERIX: He's going for a treble top, 1 80!

GETAFIX: Obelix!

What's going on here? Is this some kind of Indian rope trick?

Leave this to me. I'll have a word with their leader.

Look, my little feathered friends. Why have you tied up my mates?

Wait a minute. It's you again!

Unless you want another beating, I'd shove off out of here.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What a fibber! That's not what happened at all. He's out of his tree!

-He's got it. That's how it was. -Obelix, watch out!

Right, who did that?

-Anyone else like to try it on? -Obelix, behind you!

Hey.

What's going on now?

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

ASTERIX: Obelix!

I don't know what they're saying, but it doesn't sound good.

Hi there, big fella.

NARRATOR: The Muckifoot Indians had a custom.

Whoever defeated their champion got to leave still wearing his scalp.

Pretty good. I'll show you how we do it.

NARRATOR: Only one Gaul ever became a Muckifoot brother and that was Obelix.

Belinus, bless the day that Obelix fell into the magic potion as a boy.

You can say that again.

-Give me five, chief! -Give me five?

ALL: Give me five!

CENTURION: Ave, Caesar. The magic potion test group is back.

I take it the Gauls still have some magic potion left?

They do.

Three of us held one of them down for almost two seconds. Honestly!

That's pitiful! From now on, test their fighting abilities twice a day!

[GROANING]

Until you or the magic potion gives out. Whichever happens first.

OBELIX: Yum, yum.

We must get back home as soon as possible.

I have everything we need for the magic potion, including fish.

-I say we leave first thing tomorrow. -Yeah, we've gotta get back.

This is good. Gobble-gobble?

No. Bow-wow.

Ugh.

[CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

ASTERIX: What's going on?

Looks like the medicine man is trying out some kind of mumbo jumbo.

[GASPING]

You call that magic? This is kids' stuff.

ALL: Yay!

ASTERIX: Wow! He made it rain! OBELIX: Yeah!

GETAFIX: Bit of a localized shower though.

GETAFIX: Hold on, this isn't magic!

ASTERIX: Hey, it's not very nice.

Here, miss, take a sip of this.

Yeah, go ahead.

-I think it's working. -Now, this should be interesting.

Let's have a party!

[HOWLS]

Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom Are you gonna play a tune?

Have a party, be a smarty Leave your kids behind at home

Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom Kind of makes you want to dance

We're not looking for no fighting So let's give our peace a chance

Aiee-ooh Ooh-ly-ahh

We are one people

And we, like you

We are one tribe

Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom

A pretty squaw just like ours Feel like home with me and you

I'll make you well

Sing along with our song 'Cause it's better than a spell

Aiee-ooh Ooh-ly-ahh

We are one people

And we, like you

We are one tribe

Aiee-ooh Ooh-ly-ahh

We are one people

Ooh-loo-ooh, ooh-aiee-ah

We are one tribe

ASTERIX: These red Indians aren't a bad lot, are they?

-Thank goodness the medicine man left. -Yeah, he was bad medicine.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[DOGMATIX BARKS]

Dogmatix.

Settle down. I think he comes in peace.

No, thank you.

GETAFIX: We can't offend him.

What on earth is it?

[MIMICS SUCKING]

I see what you do.

[COUGHS]

It tastes ghastly.

Good for you?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

You suck the smoke in your mouth?

OBELIX: Go on, Asterix. -Let's hope this never catches on.

Hey, that looks like fun. Let me have a go.

No, don't. Obelix!

-Hey, cut it out, everybody! -It's dangerous stuff.

I feel... ...dreadful.

Oh, no, he slipped us a mickey.

I'm woozy.

It's a beauty, no?

The newly developed Patriotus Maketo.

You play with fire but other people get burned.

Fire!

GAUL 1: Fire!

GAUL 2: Help! Help us! Asterix!

What happened?

Oh, my head!

It feels like someone drove a chariot in one ear and out the other.

Where's Getafix? Obelix, wake up. Getafix has vanished! Wake up!

[BELCHES]

What are you gabbling about?

Get up, Obelix.

Obelix, it's me, Asterix.

Oh, no. Poor Obelix.

He's gonna be a great help finding Getafix.

I won't hand over the secret of my magic potion to you!

I'd rather be skinned alive first!

On second thought, start with the bean herb.

No, that's spinach.

Yeah. That's right. That should teach you a lesson.

The potion is undeniably a taste sensation... ...but it's as magic as soup.

Get a grip, Obelix. Pull yourself together.

Snap out of it!

Be careful, Obelix.

Oh, no. This way. This way, I said!

Careful! Remember the country code.

Take it easy.

If we don't find Getafix soon, there won't be a tree left standing.

You're certainly barking mad.

Heel, boy! Good boy! Sit. Sit!

Oh, no!

[CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I hope those boys turn up before old horn-head finds out the truth.

By Teutates!

Ow!

I did give you a recipe. Unfortunately it was a recipe for disaster.

Asterix! Obelix!

ASTERIX: Stay on your leash till you learn how to be a good dog!

Now, you've got me at it!

No! It's not bath time!

Bad dog!

No! Stop! Halt! Enough!

Obelix's trouble is that he doesn't know his own strength.

Where am I? Wow!

This place must predate interior decorating.

This place looks like a good place to hide.

GETAFIX: Help!

Getafix?

-Obelix, Obelix! I'm coming, Getafix! -Obelix!

GETAFIX: Over here, Asterix, quick! -Getafix!

Here comes the cavalry!

[WOOD CREAKS]

Asterix, watch out!

Put your paws up.

You're in for a big surprise, and it's not a teddy bear's picnic!

Asterix, drink before it's too late!

GETAFIX: Watch out!

ASTERIX: Paws off.

Now, that would make a nice rug.

So, Mr. Medicine Man, how would you like to taste your own medicine?

For pity, kemosabe. For pity. Mea culpa.

[PUNCHING]

GETAFIX: Look at that ugly duckling.

Let's hope he turns into a swan. Then he can fly home.

Yes, it's high time we left.

Ooh. A-ha!

[WHISTLES]

What does she want?

Wow, an Indian takeaway!

GETAFIX: If that doesn't save Obelix's bacon, nothing will.

-Ducks are vegetarian, aren't they? -Not this one.

Of course! Now I remember.

The cure for amnesia is 30 pounds of roast pork taken orally.

Yeah, that was good! What's for afters?

How do you say goodbye in Indian?

One hand on your heart, the other in the air.

See?

ASTERIX: Obelix, would you come on? Our friends are waiting!

Bye!

Thank you for having us! And thanks for the feather.

Goodbye.

-Ship, ahoy! We're saved! -Save our skins.

-Stop! -Take us with you!

Gaul!

Move over! Let's have a look.

[CRASHING]

Try and look like coconuts, lads, and we'll be all right.

Whoa!

ASTERIX: I feel awful!

GETAFIX: That's natural on a transatlantic crossing.

-You're suffering from canoe-lag. ASTERIX: Huh?

Obelix, put your foot down or the Romans will be all over our village.

Look, a sea gull! Look!

-Do you realize what this means? -Yeah, cover your heads, lads!

-No, we're approaching land! ASTERIX: Gaul?

OBELIX: We've done it!

-Gaul, sweet Gaul! -Look!

They've got a kettle on for us already!

GETAFIX: That's not the kettle! ASTERIX: It's the village!

Quick! While there's still something left to save!

Friends, friends, throw out the menhirs and boars first!

For nothing! What could have happened?

-By Teutates! -We're too late.

Oh, no! Vitalstatistix!

Unhygienix! Where are you?

Come out! Can't you hear me?

They're gone. We've lost them all. We failed them when they needed us.

You mean--

Yeah, they've all gone to that big village in the sky.

[MUMBLING]

Look over there, Obelix! It's our bard!

GETAFIX: By Belinus, cut him down fast!

-What happened to the others? ASTERIX: Where are they?

Look what the Romans did when I tried to sing for my captured comrades.

Captured? Then they're still alive?

They're being taken to the arena. Without the potion, we know the score.

Yeah. Lions: 15. Gauls: nil. What are we waiting for?

I can brew the potion, but the rest is up to you.

Don't worry, Getafix. I'm in the mood for a Roman holiday.

I won't forget the part you've played in my victory, Lucullus.

You'll be rewarded.

Not the lovely villa on the shores of Lake Como?

No.

The Gallic village.

-What?! -It's yours.

Beautifully appointed country home.

May lack a few mod cons, but plenty of rustic charm.

LUCULLUS: Caesar is too kind.

Without your magic potion, you are nothing.

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Mm.

Cheers.

[CRASHING]

[DRUNKEN SINGING]

OBELlX: Wouldn't like to be them in the morning.

Hey, lads! Fancy a few bevers?

Thanks, but no, thanks!

Okay, suit yourselves.

We're the next watch. You're relieved.

I'll say I am. I'm dying to go.

Must be all this wine.

Ooh.

All clear, Obelix.

Rotten cowards, the lot of them. Lazy, greedy.

Me? Greedy?

God preserve us! It can't be!

Impedimenta! Look who's here!

GAUL 1: What a sight for sore eyes! GAUL 2: We're glad to see you!

LUCULLUS: Cheers!

Do you know the secret of my success, Lucullus?

Bread and circuses?

Exactly! And Gauls.

Lots of Gauls being devoured... ...very, very messily by lions.

And the people love you for it, Caesar!

Yes... ...but it's lonely at the top.

[EXPLODING]

What's that? Who dares to--?

By the gods!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, no!

Gotcha!

Oh.

[CHEWING]

[BURPING]

Here!

Huh?

-Halt! Who goes there? CAESAR: A barrel, you fool!

A barrel. Oh.

[SCREAMS]

Where are your friends when you need them?

How will I explain this in my new book on the Gallic wars?

Got it! I advanced backwards in a brilliant tactical maneuver.

NARRATOR: And so the Gauls returned home triumphant.

Asterix and Obelix were the heroes of the hour.

They had feathers in their hair. And they sang a strange tribal song.

-How did it go? -I'll sing it for you, all right?

Gin-gan-gooly-gooly-gooly-watcha Gin-gan-goo, gin-gan-goo

All right?

ALL: Gin-gan-gooly-gooly-gooly-watcha Gin-gan-goo, gin-gan-goo Hey-la, hey-la shay-la

Hey-la-shay-la-lay-la-loo

ALL: Hey-la, hey-la shay-la

Hey-la-shay-la-lay-la-loo

Gin-gan-gooly-gooly-gooly-watcha Gin-gan-goo, gin-gan-goo

Gin-gan-gooly-gooly-gooly-watcha Gin-gan-goo, gin-gan-goo

NARRATOR: So we say goodbye to the splendor that was Rome... ...the might that was Gaul... ...and the song that was ging, gang, gooly, gooly.