Jack-Jack Attack/Transcript


 * ''[first lines]
 * Kari: [pitch black] Wow, it's dark in here.
 * ''[Dicker turns the light on]
 * Kari: Wow, and now it's too bright.
 * Dicker: File 82-7-0-2. Agent Rick Dicker interrogating.
 * Kari: Wow.
 * Dicker: State your name, please.
 * Kari: Kari. Kari McKeen. It's like Carrie only with a K instead of a C, and an "ah" instead of an A, and only one R, and an I instead of an I-E.
 * Dicker: Tell me about the incident.
 * Kari: Well, it started out like any normal sitting gig, you know, with the reassuring of the parent and all.
 * ''[cut to the Parr household]
 * Kari: Mrs. Parr, I can totally handle anything this baby can dish out. Can't I, little boo-boo kid? Who can handle it? Who can handle it? Um, Mrs. Parr? Oh, well, she knows you're in good hands. [hangs up, to Jack-Jack] Now, who's ready for some neurological stimulation?
 * ''[Jack-Jack looks up from his orange, then Kari puts out flashcards, a table with circle, triangle, and square, and a xylophone, cooing, then putting a Mozart soundtrack in, then Turkish March plays, then cooing]
 * Kari: It's time for cognitive develop... [gasping, noticing that Jack-Jack isn't there, then running into the kitchen] Oh, who's the goo-goo baby? Where's the hiding... [grabs a vase]
 * ''[Jack-Jack drinks a bottle]
 * Kari: That was really weird. Wait right here. [dials a phone] Hello, Mrs. Parr. This is Kari. I have a question about Jack-Jack. Can you call me? [yelping]
 * ''[Jack-Jack plays a bottle up in a ceiling]
 * Kari: Jack-Jack? Baby? Where are you?
 * ''[Jack-Jack opens a bottle]
 * Kari: Where...
 * ''[the milk splats on Kari's face]
 * Kari: Mrs. Parr, it's me. Jack-Jack is fine, but weird things are happening, and you need to tell me what to do, 'cause I'm... [looks at the broken wood] How'd you get... [screaming, running to Jack-Jack, falling down, looking at her underwear, running downstairs, with Jack-Jack floating in a wall, grabbing Jack-Jack] We're gonna calm things down a bit now, and look at flashcards. [begins playing tug-o-war with Jack-Jack over a flash card, then winning and holding it up] Won't that be fun? Triangle.
 * ''[Jack-Jack glares at her and makes a triangle with his hands and coos]
 * Kari: Good. House.
 * ''[Jack-Jack glares at her again and makes another triangle with his hands and coos again]
 * Kari: Good. Campfire.
 * ''[Jack-Jack looks at the card and bursts into flame]
 * Kari: [screaming, to herself] Don't panic. Baby on fire, baby on fire.
 * ''[Jack-Jack continues running around, running under a table, carrying him into the bathroom, not the toilet]
 * Kari: [looks at a bathtub] Good baby! Nice baby. [looks at a mess]
 * ''[Jack-Jack coos, then bursting into flame again, rinsing it off, then using a laser on the mirror to write on the ceiling, then they hear a doorbell]
 * Kari: [rushing to the door, exhausted] Yes?
 * Syndrome: Is this the Parr's residence?
 * Kari: Yes, I'm Kari, the babysitter.
 * Syndrome: Well, hello, uh, Kari. I'm, uh...
 * Kari: You're my replacement. Thank heaven you've come! What does the S stand for?
 * Syndrome: For sitter. Yeah, sitter. Originally, I was gonna have initials for babysitter, but then I would have been going around wearing a big BS, and you understand why I couldn't go with that.
 * ''[last lines]
 * Dicker: [after Kari describes how she gave Jack-Jack to Syndrome, the "Sitter"] And you believed him?
 * Kari: THE BABY WAS EXPLODING! YOU EVER SIT AN EXPLODING BABY BEFORE, MR. DICKER?
 * ''[he gets up and pulls and odd contraption]
 * Kari: What's that?
 * Dicker: Have you told anyone else about this? Your parents? [aims the device's laser at Kari's forehead]
 * Kari: Yeah, they thought I was being funny. But you believe me, don't you, Mr. Dicker?
 * Dicker: Sure, kid.
 * Kari: I just wish I could forget the whole thing.
 * Dicker: You will, kid. [fires a corded plunger-like attatchment which sticks to her forehead] You will.
 * ''[Kari passes out]