A Christmas Story/Transcript

Opening Moments

(After the MGM logo and opening credits, we fade in on an outdoor shot of 1940s Indiana.)

Adult Ralphie (Jean Shepherd): Ah, there it is. My house, at good old Cleveland Street. How could I ever forget it? (Younger Ralphie [Peter Billingsley] and his friends come into view.) And there I am, with that dumb round face and that stupid stocking cap. Oh, but no matter. Christmas was on its way; lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, around which the entire kid year revolved.

(We crossfade to an exterior shot of downtown as the credits continue.)

Adult Ralphie: Downtown Hohman was prepared for its yearly bacchanalia of peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

Sights we see and hear include: a marching band playing "Jingle Bells," one of Santa's helpers standing by a store window ringing a bell, carolers singing "Go Tell It on the Mountain," and Ralphie and friends running toward the Higbee's window.

Adult Ralphie: Higbee's corner window was traditionally a high-water mark of the pre-Christmas season. (The kids crowd around the window, and we soon see inside.) First-nighters, packed earmuff to earmuff, jostled in wonderment before a golden, tinkling display of mechanized, electronic joy.

(The music changes as Ralphie walks toward a very specific item in the window and begins staring longingly at it.)

Adult Ralphie: Ah-ha, there it is, the holy grail of Christmas gifts! The Red Ryder 200-shot range model air rifle! (Pan up to a standee of...) And there he is, Red Ryder himself. (Ralphie continues to stare.) In his hand was the knurled stock of as cooly-looking a piece of deadly weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on. (Ralphie keeps staring.) For weeks, I had been scheming to get my mitts on one of these fearsome, blue-steeled beauties. (As it crossfades to the next scene...) My fevered brain seethed with the effort of trying to come up with the infinitely subtle devices necessary to implant the Red Ryder range model air rifle indelibly into my parents' subconscious.

Breakfast

(We now see Ralphie, sitting at home in his and Randy [Ian Petrella]'s bedroom. Ralphie stares off into the distance, holding a magazine turned to the Red Ryder ad, while Randy plays with a toy airplane.)

Mrs. Parker (Melinda Dillon): (Calling from the distance) Ralphie! Randy! Down here in two minutes! (They both reach for their dresser drawer.) And I mean two minutes! (Ralphie and Randy start fighting.)

Randy: Come on, Ralphie! I got here first! (They keep fighting.)

Ralphie: Cut it out! (He then grabs an ad for the Red Ryder and makes a break for his parents' bedroom. On one of the two beds lies an issue of Look, in which Ralphie strategically places the ad.)

Adult Ralphie: My mother, grabbing for her copy of Look Magazine, (Chuckles) would find herself cleverly trapped into reading a Red Ryder sales pitch.

(Ralphie runs off, and we get our first look at the Old Man (Darren McGavin). He approaches the table with a newspaper in his hand.)

The Old Man: They traded Bullfrog. I don't believe it.

Mrs. Parker: (Looks away from her meal) What's wrong?

The Old Man: (As he sits in his chair) Well, you know, for Chrissakes, the Sox traded Bullfrog, the only real player they got, for Shottenhoffer. "Four Eyes" Shottenhoffer, an utility infielder. Got a whole goddamned team of utility infielders.

Mrs. Parker: (Gives the old man his portion of breakfast) That's nice. Ralphie, on the double!

(Ralphie eventually comes down and approaches the kitchen table.)

The Old Man: Did you hear about this guy who swallowed a yo-yo?

Mrs. Parker: Swallowed a yo-yo?

The Old Man: Yeahhh-eah, on a bet! Some clodhopper down in Griffith, Indiana.

Mrs. Parker: Boy, they write the silliest things in the newspapers.

The Old Man: Wha-- what do you mean, silly? That's real news! It's not like that politics slop! (His attention then turns to the crossword) What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse.

Mrs. Parker: Uh, Victor. His name is Victor.

The Old Man: How the hell do you know that?

Mrs. Parker: Everyone knows that. Is this another one of your silly puzzles?

The Old Man: Yeah, it's another one of my silly puzzles. Could be worth 50,000 bucks.

Mrs. Parker: What kind is it this time?

The Old Man: Name the great characters in American literature.

Mrs. Parker: Uh, Victor?

The Old Man: Yeah.

Mrs. Parker: The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

(As the conversation continues, the scene pans across to Ralphie, pondering.)

Adult Ralphie: Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.

Ralphie: (Turns his head over toward the parents to say...) Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store.

The rest of the family Parker just looks at him disconcertingly.

Adult Ralphie: They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. I could tell that I was in imminent danger of overplaying my hand. Casually, I switched tactics.

Ralphie: Hey, Dad! (The Old Man looks at him.) I-- bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas!

The Old Man: Hmmm. A new furnace.

Ralphie: That's a good one, Dad! (Randy giggles.)

Adult Ralphie: My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.

Mrs. Parker: Hurry up; you're gonna be late for school!

The Old Man: (Looks at his watch) Yeah, would you look at that, I'm runnin' late already. (He gets up to leave.)

Adult Ralphie: Round one was over. Parents, one. Kids, zip. I could feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next was inevitable.

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?

Adult Ralphie: Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out!

Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle! (He then makes a disgusted expression.)

Mrs. Parker: No. Shoot your eye out.

Adult Ralphie: Oh no, it was the classic mother-BB gun block! "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to kiddom! But such was my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dyke.

Ralphie: Heh-heh. I was just kidding. Even though Flick is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinkertoys.

Adult Ralphie: I couldn't believe my ears. Tinkertoys? She'd never buy it.

Mrs. Parker: BB guns are dangerous. I don't want anybody shooting his eye out. (She looks at Randy, just sitting and staring at his food.) Randy, will you eat? There are starving people in China!

(Randy whines.)

Ralphie's Cowboy Fantasy

(Ralphie leans on his hand.)

Adult Ralphie: Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders, burrowing through the snow towards the kitchen, where only you, and you alone, stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil.

(The first fantasy sequence of the movie begins as a gang of bandits, dressed like bank robbers, crowd around the house. Ralphie, now dressed in a sparkly cowboy outfit, barges in through the kitchen door, Red Ryder in hand. His family is all crowded underneath the table, wearing Western attire.)

Mrs. Parker: Save us, Ralphie! I just knowed those bad guys would be comin' for us in the end!

Ralphie: Don't worry, Dad, as long as I got Ol' Blue. (He walks over to the chair by the sink.) Well, what do we got here, folks?

The Old Man: Well, we figured it's, uh, Black Bart, Ralph.

Ralphie: Well, just me and my trusty ol' Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot air rifle. Lucky I got a compass in the stock. Well, I think I better have a look.

The Old Man: (Turns to Randy) Don't look, son.

(Ralphie approaches the window and aims his rifle out, frightening the bandits.)

Black Bart: Oh, no! It's...

Bandits: Old Blue! Oh, NO!

Black Bart: (Just after Ralphie spits) Seize him, boys! (The others run away) The jig is up!

In rapid motion, Ralphie starts shooting down bandits.

The Old Man: Killed another one! Oh, he's a deadeye, ain't he?

(Ralphie continues to shoot at the bandits, until finally, Black Bart surrenders.)

Black Bart: Okay, Ralphie. You win this time... but we'll be back!

Black Bart's horse appears, and he jumps onto it, riding off. Ralphie spits again.

Ralphie: Adios, Bart! But if you do come back, you'll be pushin' up daisies! (We then cut to the rest of his men, all dead, crowded around each other.) (Imitating Paladin from Have Gun Will Travel Never Help the Devil.) And don't you forget it! (He spits once more, and the dream sequence ends.)

The Old Man: Well, son, you saved us!

Mrs. Parker: We were goners for sure, and you saved us!

Ralphie: Hallelujah!

Furnace Troubles

(The Old Man barges back in, donning his hat and coat, and starts heading for the kitchen sink.)

The Old Man: The Oldsmobile. Nothing but Oldsmobile. That pile of junk. That goddamned Olds has froze up again.

Adult Ralphie: Some men are Baptists, others Catholics. My father was an Oldsmobile man.

The Old Man: ...son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!

Mrs. Parker: Little pitchers.

The Old Man: And, uh, hold it! (He hears something suspicious and turns the sink off. Black smoke comes out of the furnace room.) Ah-ah-ha, it's a clinker! (As he says this, he heads into the furnace room.) That blasted, stupid furnace. Dadgummit. (We then hear him struggling with the furnace, coughing. Mrs. Parker approaches.) Oh, for Chrissakes, open up the damper, willya? Who the hell turned it all the way down, AGAIN?! Oh, blast it! You blurted camel piece of jerk-off trash! (More yelling, and Mrs. Parker steps away.)

Adult Ralphie: In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

The Old Man: Oh, blast it! You flirted house stickkle pfeiffer!

Getting Ready for School

(Mrs. Parker outfits Randy into his layers and layers of winter wear.)

Adult Ralphie: Well, preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving.

(Mrs. Parker's dressing up continues. Ralphie, on the other hand, has less of an issue, seeing how he has less layers on him.)

Ralphie: Come on, Mom, we're gonna be late!

Mrs. Parker: Alright, Ralph.

Adult Ralphie: (As Randy starts whining) My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop.

Mrs. Parker: What is it? (Randy whines...) What is it?! (...and whines, as Mrs. Parker unravels his scarf.) What is it?!

Randy: I can't put my arms down!

Mrs. Parker tries, but under the weight of his coat, they keep rising.

Mrs. Parker: Well, put your arms down when you get to school. (As she puts the scarf back on, Randy starts whining again.)

The Walk

We pan down from the Parkers' house, as the Old Man continues to struggle with the furnace, and Ralphie and Randy walk out.

Ralphie: Flick! Wait up! (He then approaches Flick [Scott Schwartz], who is outfitted much like Ralphie, except he's wearing a blue jacket and aviator goggles.) What've you been doing?

Flick: What does it look like I've been doing, picking goobers?

Schwartz [R.D. Robb] comes out of his house and approaches the boys.

Schwartz: Hey, listen, smartass! I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to metal light poles in winter, and he says it would freeze right to the pole, just like I told you!

Flick: Ah, baloney! What would your old man know about anything?

Schwartz: He knows because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet. And the fire department had to come to get the guy's tongue off the track!

(Lagging behind the trio is Randy, still struggling from his overdone winter wear.)

Randy: Come on, you guys, wait up! Come on, guys. Come on, guys, wait up.

Passersby: Out of my way, kid. (He pushes Randy into the snow.)

Schwartz: Hey, kid!

Randy: (Turns around in the snow, like a turtle stuck on his back) Can't get up. I can't get up! I CAN'T GET UP, RALPHIE! (He starts whining again.)

Ralphie: Come on, guys. (He runs toward Randy and helps him up) Come on.

Miss Shields' Class

(We pan over to an exterior shot of Warren G. Harding Elementary School. Cut inside, where the kids quickly grab false teeth.)

Classmates: Miss Shields. Miss Shields. Miss Shields, Miss Shields!

As they run to their desks, in walks Miss Shields [Tedde Moore].

Miss Shields: Alright, children, take your seats, please. (They sit down, and Miss Shields starts writing "Silas Marner" on the chalkboard.) Good morning, class.

Classmates: (In silly voices.) GOOD MORNING, MISS SHIELDS!

(Some kids start laughing, and Miss Shields takes notice. The kids, disappointed, start turning in the false teeth. She opens a drawer inside her desk, full of other prank items like chattering teeth and a fake rat, and drops them there.)

Miss Shields: Open your books to page 32. And as you'll remember, Silas Marner--

A Stuck Tongue

(Recess. Pan down the American flag to the entire class, crowded around the pole.)

Flick: You're full of beans and so's your old man.

Schwartz: Says who?

Flick: Says me!

Schwartz: Oh yeah?

Flick: Yeah!

Schwartz: Well, I double-dare you!

Adult Ralphie: The exact exchange of phrase and nuance in this ritual was very important.

Flick: Huh, are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb.

Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!

Flick: You're full of it!

Schwartz: Oh yeah?

Flick: Yeah!

Schwartz: Well, I double-DOG-dare you!

Adult Ralphie: Now it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was left but a "triple-dare you?" And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister "triple-dog-dare."

Flick: (Underneath the narration) You guys are really dumb.

Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare you! (The class falls dead silent over his words.)

Adult Ralphie: Schwartz created a slight breach in etiquette by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat.

Flick: All right, all right.

(He pushes the other kids out of the way and walks right to the pole. The music gets suspenseful, and the kids get tense. Naturally, so does Flick.)

Schwartz: (Pushing Flick) Well, go on, smartass, and do it!

Flick: I'm goin', I'm goin'.

Adult Ralphie: Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. (He rubs the pole) There was no going back now.

(Flick sticks out his tongue and lunges right for the pole.)

Flick: This is nuthi-- (Just at that moment, he realizes...) Stuck? STUCK! STUUUUUCK! STUUUUUUUUCK! (He continues crying in pain as the other students watch and look on shocked.)

Schwartz: Gee, it really works! (Flick continues to scream in agony, just as the bell rings and everyone else starts back for class.)

Flick: Come back. Don't leave me, come back!

Ralphie: But the bell rang!

Schwartz: Well-- what are we going to do?

Ralphie: I don't know; the bell rang!

Schwartz: Yeah. (They both take off)

Flick: Don't leave me, come back! Don't leave--

(He screams again, and we cut to a concerned Miss Shields.)

Miss Shields: Where's Flick? (No answer.) Has anyone seen Flick?

Adult Ralphie: Flick? Flick who?

Miss Shields: He was at recess, wasn't he? (No answer again.) Ralph, do you know where Flick is? (Ralphie just shakes his head.) I said, has anyone seen Flick? (One girl raises her hand.) Yes, Esther Jane? (She points out the window, and Miss Shields turns her attention to Flick.) Oh, my God!

(The class runs over to the window as well, except for Ralphie and Schwartz. They all watch Flick struggle to get away from the pole, and Miss Shields runs out to get help. Not too terribly long later, a fire truck drives by.)

Kid: Holy cow, it's the fire department!

Ralphie: (Looks down) Oh, no.

Afterwards, a police car comes into view.

Kid: Wow, it's the cops!

(Ralphie looks down As he buries his head in his arms A fireman and two police officers help get Flick's tongue off the pole. When they do so, the spectators clap.

The Aftermath

(Miss Shields walks Flick, bandaged tongue and everything, back into class.)

Miss Shields: Now, I know some of you put Flick up to this. But he has refused to say whom. (Schwartz smiles.) But those who did it know their blame. Now, don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? And I'm sure the guilt you'll feel is far worse than any punishment you'll ever receive. Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.

Adult Ralphie: Adults love to say things like that, but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.

Miss Shields: Now, boys and girls, I'm going to give you an assignment. I want you to write... a theme. (Most of the class groans upon hearing the word "theme.") "What I Want for Christmas."

Adult Ralphie: Ah-ha! The clouds lifted!

Miss Shields: And I want it handed in tomorrow morning...

Adult Ralphie: I saw a faint gleam of light at the end of the black cave of doom! And everything would work out, somehow.

(The scene irises out.)

Scut Farkus

(We iris back in on a pair of approaching feet, behind a wooden fence. Pan over to the Parker brothers, Flick, and Schwartz on their walk back home from school.)

Schwartz: Boy, did you see how it stuck?

Ralphie: Did it hurt, Flick?

Flick: (Still smarting from the cold and bandage) Nah. I never felt a thing. It just caught me off-guard.

Schwartz: You sure were bawling!

Flick: I never bawled!

Ralphie: Ah, baloney!

(Just then, they hear sinister laughter and turn the other way. Then we see the head of an older kid [Zack Ward], poking out from behind the fence.)

Schwartz: Scut Farkus!

Adult Ralphie: Scut Farkus, what a rotten name. There he stood, between us and the alley. (As he says this, he pushes Randy into the snow and starts approaching the other kids, laughing.) Scut Farkus, staring out at us with his yellow eyes! He had yellow eyes! So help me, God, yellow eyes!

Scut: Raaahhhh!

(The kids scream and run for the dumpster. Just then, out pops another kid (Yano Anaya), in a brown coat and dark gray cap, scaring the kids even more.)

Adult Ralphie: Grover Dill, Farkus' crummy little toady! Mean, rotten, his lips curled over his green teeth. (Cut to Randy) Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense. (Scut twists Schwartz’s arm as Flick and Ralphie help Randy back up.)

Grover: All right, who's next? Raaaahhhhh!

(They run off screaming, with Ralphie remembering to help Randy up, and Scut and Grover laugh. It continues into them politely slugging one another, before Scut gives Grover a hard punch in the arm.)

Grover: Ow. Man! (They walk away, and as the following narration is said, we go back to Ralphie's house)

Adult Ralphie: In the jungles of kiddom, the mind switches gears rapidly. Weeks ago, I had sent away for my Little Orphan Annie Secret Society decoder pin. (Ralphie checks the mailbox and walks away disappointed.) Oh, skunked again! (The other kids continue running.) No matter. Today I had serious work to do.

A Major Award

(Ralphie is in his bedroom, going over his finished theme and reading from it.)

Ralphie: "'What I Want for Christmas.' What I want for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time." (He chuckles a little.) "I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun. They're very good for Christmas. I don't think a football's a very good Christmas present."

Adult Ralphie: Rarely had the words poured from my penny pencil with such feverish fluidity.

(Ralphie then notices something from the off. He leans toward his window and opens up. The Old Man is in the driveway, excited.)

The Old Man: I won, I won, I won!

(Alas, he is being harassed by a gaggle of dogs.)

Adult Ralphie: Ah-ha, the Bumpus Hounds! Da-da-da-da, da-da! Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses, had at least seven hundred and eighty-five smelly hound dogs. And they ignored every other human being on Earth but my old man.

The Old Man: Dumb dogs. Get! I won! I won! (He makes his way inside.) I won, I won, I won!

Mrs. Parker: (She runs toward the Old Man.) What? What is it?

The Old Man: A major prize, a major prize! I won, I won, I WON! (He starts singing and dancing.) Tonight, tonight, it's gonna be the night/Tonight, tonight, hot damn tonight

Mrs. Parker: What does this mean here?

The Old Man: It means that the prize is coming tonight! (He starts taking his hat and jacket off.) See, I called Ernie McCluskey over at the Freight Department. He said the telegram was late, the prize was already there, he was gonna send it on tonight! (He opens the door a little for the Bumpus Hounds.) Go on, have a chew on me, fellas! It's my gift! (He closes the door...) You know, maybe it could be one of those, uh, Spanish adobe houses down in Coral Gate-- (...on one of the dogs' ears. He whines, and the Old Man opens it back up.) Serves you right, you smelly buggers! (He closes it again and returns to the family.) OR it could be a bowling alley! You know, a guy down in Terre Haute won a bowling alley.

Mrs. Parker: How are they gonna deliver a bowling alley here tonight?!

The Old Man: Well, they could send the deed, for Chrissakes! I mean, I didn't think they were gonna send the whole damn bowling alley. Well, how about dinner, huh? I'm starving. Getting rich is hard work, kid. C'mon.

(Mrs. Parker shrugs and heads off to make dinner.)

Dinner

(The Parker family is now seated at the dinner table. Randy picks at his food, and at one point, throws a gob of mashed potatoes onto his plate.)

Adult Ralphie: Every family has a kid who won't eat. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.

Mrs. Parker: Randy, don't play with your food, eat it.

Randy: Aw, gee!

Mrs. Parker: Starving people would be happy to have that.

Ralphie: (Raises his finger) Uh, can I please have some more?

Adult Ralphie: (As she gets up to bring Ralphie some more red cabbage) My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years.

Randy: Meatloaf, sweet loaf, double beetloaf. I hate meat loaf.

(The Old Man looks away from his paper.)

The Old Man: You better stop playing with your food, or I'll give you somethin' to cry about. Alright, where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open his mouth and I'll shove it in.

Mrs. Parker: Randy...

Adult Ralphie: My mother was more subtle.

Mrs. Parker: How do the little piggies go? (Randy oinks like Arnold Ziffel from Green Acres) That's right, "oink, oink!" Now, show me how the piggies eat. (She takes his fork off the plate) This is your trough. Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy, show Mommy how the piggies eat!

(And sure enough, Randy dives his face into the plate, oinking and chomping away at his dinner. Both of them are having fun with it Ralphie and the old man look on disgusted..)

Mrs. Parker: Mommy's little piggy!

The Leg Lamp

(Suddenly, all activity at the dinner table is stopped by a knock on the door. The Old Man puts his paper down.)

The Old Man: It's here.

(Everyone starts for the door, and the Old Man opens it.)

Deliveryman: You Parker?

The Old Man: Yeah!

Deliveryman: Well, sign here, please. (He hands over his clipboard.)

The Old Man: What is it? (The Deliveryman shrugs) Well, what's inside? (He shrugs again. The Old Man signs anyway, and hands it back.)

Deliveryman: Okay, bring it in! (Two other people start wheeling a big brown box inside.)

The Old Man: Yeah, move it a little to the right! Yeah, that's it. (They drop the box) Thanks, guys! Merry Christmas! Get the crowbar and a hammer, kid, c'mon. (Ralphie runs off.) Ahhh, "fra-gee-lei." It must be Italian.

Mrs. Parker: I think that says "fragile," honey.

The Old Man: Oh. Oh, yeah. (Ralphie returns, and the Old Man starts hammering away at the nails.) Jeez, they really did a job on this, you know? (He opens the box, gets inside, and starts throwing packing material right at the family.) Oh, my--

Mrs. Parker: What?

The Old Man: Would you look at that? Would you look... (He pulls out his major award: a plastic leg, wearing a fishnet and a high heel, atop a flat wooden base.) at THAT! (The family is wowed.)

Mrs. Parker: What is that?

The Old Man: It's a leg!

Mrs. Parker: No, what is it?

The Old Man: Well, it's, it's... it's a leg! You know, like in a statue!

Mrs. Parker: Statue?

The Old Man: Yeah, statue!

Ralphie: (As he starts feeling up the statue) Yeah, statue.

Mrs. Parker: (Pushes her son away) Ralphie.

Adult Ralphie: My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

The Old Man: (After digging further inside the crate) Oh my-- do you know what this is?

Mrs. Parker: What?

The Old Man: This is... (He pulls out a lampshade) a LAMP!

Adult Ralphie: It was indeed a lamp.

The Old Man: Isn't that great? What a great lamp.

(Ralphie tries feeling it up again, but his mom pushes him away. Then they go off to set it up. The first time the Old Man plugs it in, we see a spark, and the power goes out due to a fuse overload. He removes the plug, and the lights go back on.)

The Old Man: Let's see, this one goes to the radio, and this goes to... and this goes to... well, it's just one too many! (He removes the extraneous plug.)

Adult Ralphie: The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory. (The family agrees, staring at it in wonder.)

The Old Man: Oh, isn't that glorious? It's-- it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July! Uh, turn off all the lights; I want to see what it looks like from down the street!

Ralphie: (Running off) I'll go get the dining room.

Mrs. Parker: Couldn't we talk this over?

(The Old Man rushes outside, wanting to see his prized possession from a distance.)

The Old Man: Move it just a little to the left-- no, that's it! (Suddenly, Swede from down the street walks into view.)

Swede: Hey Parker, what is that thing?

The Old Man: Not now, Swede. I'm busy.

Swede: Yeah, but what is that?

The Old Man: Well, it's a major award. I won it.

Swede: Shucks, I wouldn't have known that. It looks like a lamp!

The Old Man: (As Mrs. Parker waves at Swede through the window, smiling) Well, it is a lamp, you nincompoop!

Swede: Damn hell, you say you won it?

The Old Man: Yeah. Mind power, Swede. Mind power. (People begin crowding around to see it.)

Adult Ralphie: The old man's major award stood tall.

The Old Man: Oh, you should see what it looks like from out here!

Adult Ralphie: It could be seen up and down Cleveland Street.

Swede: Yeah, he won that, it's a major award.

The Old Man: Yeah!

(Back inside...)

Mrs. Parker: Isn't it about time for somebody's favorite radio program?

Ralphie: Yeah! (He and Randy rush off to the radio.)

Adult Ralphie: Holy smokes, it was 6:45! Only one thing in the world could have kept me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

(The theme to the Little Orphan Annie radio show begins.)

Adult Ralphie: Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time, brought to you by rich, chocolately Ovaltine. I could still taste it.

The Old Man knocks on the door.

The Old Man: Hey, you turned the light off!

(He just shrugs it off and walks away.)

Ralphie's A+ Fantasy

(The next day, our heroes are being chased by Scut Farkus and Grover Dill again. And once again, Randy falls behind.)

Randy: (Sped-up) Come on, you guys, wait up!

(In Miss Shields' class, everyone is turning in their themes. This includes Ralphie.)

Adult Ralphie: I knew I was handing Miss Shields a masterpiece. Maybe in her ecstacy, she would excuse me from theme writing for the rest of my natural life.

(We begin our next fantasy sequence: an overworked Miss Shields, dressed fancily, laboring over themes.)

Miss Shields: You call this a paragraph?! Margins, margins, margins! F! A semicolon, you dolt. A period! Oh, F! Oh, I should weep if I have to read one more F! "Ralphie Parker." Uh-huh. (Suddenly, the music turns romantic as she reads Ralphie's theme, awestruck.) The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence. "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time." A+, my Ralph. Oh, Ralph, you made me well! A+!

(The kids start cheering Ralphie on for his effort, and Miss Shields continues to write "+"s on the chalkboard - and even on the classroom walls. We go back to reality, with Ralphie still daydreaming.)

Miss Shields: Ralph. Ralph. Ralph!

Ralphie snaps out of it, and the kids laugh at him.

Miss Shields: Is there something you want?

Ralphie: I'm just turning in my theme.

Miss Shields: Oh. Well, you can take your seat now.

(Which he does.)

Tree Shopping

(On the return trip home, it's another getaway from Scut and Grover. Then we cut to the Parker family at night, preparing to leave.)

The Old Man: Come on, get in the car. (Mrs. Parker turns back inside, angering the Old Man.) If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees!

Adult Ralphie: My mother was about to make another stance in the legendary battle of the lamp. The epic struggle that followed lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street to this very day. (And that stance is turning the lamp off. She goes back out.)

Mrs. Parker: Don't want to waste electricity.

The Old Man: (Mockingly) Don't want to waste electricity.

(We then cut to a Christmas tree lot.)

Salesman: You folks looking for a tree? We got 300 trees! This here is the Christmas tree emporium of the entire Midwest! (Reaches for a tree) Now you ain't gonna find no better tree than this here tree! Ain't no needles fallin' off of this here tree! (He looks underneath, and sure enough, there are indeed needles. He tosses it back.) Now here's a tree; this here is a tree!

Mrs. Parker: It's a little skimpy in the front.

Salesman: Well, you just... put it in the corner!

The Old Man: Haven't you got a big tree?

Salesman: Yeah. Hell, this ain't no tree. (He tosses it back.) Now hhere's a tree; this here is a tree!

Mrs. Parker: This isn't one of the ones where all the needles falls off, isn't it?

Salesman: No, that's them balsams.

Adult Ralphie: The old man loved bargaining as much as an Arab trader, and he was twice as shrewd.

The Old Man: (Turning to his wife) You knew, Dew Lock just bought one of them big, plastic trees.

Salesman: (Obviously disgusted) Oh, no.

The Old Man: Darn thing looks like it was made out of... green pipe cleaners! (They both giggle)

Salesman: I'll knock off two bucks because I can see you're a man who knows his trees.

The Old Man: ...

Salesman: I'll throw some rope and tie it to your car for you.

The Old Man: You've got a deal.

Salesman: Deal.

Replacing a Tire

(Inside the car, the family except for the Old Man is singing "Jingle Bells." At the end, they blow raspberries and laugh it off. Suddenly...)

The Old Man: Dadgummit, blowout!

The car stops.

The Old Man: Oh no.

Mrs. Parker: Not again!

The Old Man: (Checks his watch) Four minutes! Time me! (He gets out of his car.)

Adult Ralphie: Actually, my old man loved it. He always saw himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway at the 500.

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie, why don't you go out and help your father?

Ralphie: (Excited) Really? Can I?

Mrs. Parker: Yes. (As he gets out of the car) Watch for traffic.

Ralphie: Okay.

(Ralphie gets out all the way.)

Adult Ralphie: The old man's spare tires were only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber. (As he says this, the Old Man gets out his spare and starts going to work on it... before he sees Ralphie.)

The Old Man: What are you doing?

Ralphie: Mom says I should help.

The Old Man: Oh. Well, here. Hold this, will you? (He hands Ralphie a hubcap and starts working on the tire.) And we got it! (More incoherent speech) There we go-- (He accidentally flips the hubcap, sending bolts flying.)

Adult Ralphie: Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone!

Ralphie: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh fffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu-dge.

(Beat.)

Adult Ralphie: Only I didn't say "fudge." I said the word. The big one, the queen mother of dirty words, the "F, dash, dash, dash" word.

The Old Man: What did you say? (Ralphie stammers.) That's what I thought you said. ...well, get in.

Adult Ralphie: (As his younger self sadly trudges back to the car) It's over. I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair, the rack, the Chinese water torture? Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

(Back inside the car, Ralphie continues to look sad.)

Mrs. Parker: Everything go alright?

(Ralphie can only nod, mildly. After the spare tire is put on, the Old Man checks his watch and groans. He gets back inside, and checks the time with his wife.)

Mrs. Parker: Eight minutes.

The Old Man: Do you know what your son just said?

Mrs. Parker: No, what? (Randy leans over to listen.)

The Old Man: I'll tell you what he said. (Turns his head back) Randy! (He whispers into his wife's ear.)

Mrs. Parker: (Screaming) Ralphie!

Bathroom Confession

(Suddenly, Ralphie is sitting in the bathroom, with a bar of soap in his mouth. A stern Mrs. Parker stands over him.)

Adult Ralphie: Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant, after-dinner flavor. Heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand...

Ralphie: Yech!

Mrs. Parker: You ready? (Ralphie nods, while saying something obscured by the soap.) All right. Where did you hear that word?

Adult Ralphie: Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay; it was his true medium, a master. But I chickened out. And I blurted out the first name that came to mind...

Ralphie: Schwartz!

Mrs. Parker: Oh. I see. (She puts the soap back in her son's mouth, then goes off to dial Schwartz's mother. All the while, Ralphie attempts to protest.) Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, do you know what your son just said?

Mrs. Schwartz: No, what?

Mrs. Parker: He said... (She looks around her, then whispers into the phone.)

Mrs. Schwartz: NO, NOT THAT!

Mrs. Parker: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?

Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.

Mrs. Parker: No! He heard it from your son!

Mrs. Schwartz: WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAT?! (She goes after her son and begins audibly beating him while angrily yelling indecipherable gibberish.)

Schwartz: (screaming and sobbing loudly) AH! Oh, What did I do, Mom? Why, I didn't do nothin’! AAAAHHH! AAAAAAHHHH! (Mrs. Parker, looking rather confused and concerned about what’s happening on the other end, hangs up the phone.)

Adult Ralphie: Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.

Mrs. Parker': (As she takes the soap out of her son's mouth) Rinse out and go to bed. (Ralphie does so) Boy, am I glad you did your homework this afternoon, because I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic book reading! (Ralphie walks over to bed) I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- oh, don't you give me that look! You're gonna get it! (She turns back toward the bathroom.) Kids. (After a while, she sticks the Lifebuoy into her mouth and, finding that her firstborn was not kidding when he spoke of its disgusting taste, spits it out.)

Ralphie's Blindness Fantasy

(In bed, Ralphie weeps softly to himself over what had just happened to himself and Schwartz.)

Adult Ralphie: Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his. Now, there has never been a kid who didn't believe, vaguely but consistently, that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21. And then they'd be sorry.

(Fantasy sequence #3 begins: a blind Ralphie walks toward the door, using his cane to knock. His mom opens.)

Mrs. Parker: Why, it's Ralph!

The Old Man: Yeah, come on in, Ralph!

(Which he does. And before long, his parents notice.)

Mrs. Parker: Why, he's... he's carrying a cane!

The Old Man: Yeah, what is it, Ralph? What is it?

Mrs. Parker: Why, he's... blind!

The Old Man: Blind?!

(They are suddenly surprised as Ralphie holds out a mug for change. Randy comes downstairs and joins in on it.)

Mrs. Parker: Oh, it is something we did?

The Old Man: What brought you to this lowly state?

Ralphie: No, I..I can’t!

Mrs. Parker: Oh, please, Ralph, I must know what we did!

Ralphie: It... it was...

Mrs. Parker: Yes?

Ralphie: Soap... poisoning!

(The parents wail and latch onto Ralphie.)

Ralphie: Well, I'll manage to get along, somehow.

Mrs. Parker: I'll never forgive myself.

Ralphie: Thanks, Mom.

The Old Man: I told you not to use Lifebuoy!

(As they continue sobbing, Ralphie grins over his fantasy. Fade back into the real world, and iris out to the next scene.)

A Little Bribe

(The next day, en route to school, it's business as usual: Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz being chased by Scut and Grover, with Randy falling behind. Cut to Miss Shields' class, where students give her fruits as a token of their appreciation. Ralphie goes overboard, bringing a whole basket with him. He sets it on her desk. She pushes it aside, and sees her student.)

Ralphie: Well, you know, I just thought you were getting tired of the same old stuff.

Adult Ralphie: Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurts.

Miss Shields: Oh. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. You can take your seat now.

(Ralphie flashes a signal at her.)

Little Orphan Annie's Secret Message

(Business as usual on the way home. Much like a few days ago, Ralphie runs up to the mailbox in anticipation.)

Adult Ralphie: The weeks of drinking gallons of Ovaltine in order to send away for my Little Orphan Annie Secret Society decoder pin was about to pay off.

Ralphie: (Reaching inside the mailbox) I got it! "Master Ralph Parker." My decoder pin! All right!

(He excitedly runs inside. Later that night, he's at his desk, reading the enclosed letter.)

Ralphie: "Be it known to all and sundry that Ralph Parker is a member of the Little Orphan Annie Secret Society and is entitled to all the honors and benefits thereto."

Adult Ralphie: Signed, Little Orphan Annie. Countersigned, Pierre Andre. In ink! Honors and benefits, already at the age of nine.

Ralphie turns on the radio, where a pirate serial is in progress.

Pirate 1: But first, let's throw her overboard!

Pirate 2: Hold fast, then overboard!

Adult Ralphie: Come on, let's get on with it. I don't need all that jazz about smugglers and pirates.

(The yelling continues for another few seconds, and then...)

Pierre Andre: Listen tomorrow night for the concluding adventure of The Black Pirate Ship. Now it's time for Annie's secret message, for you members of the secret circle. Remember, only members of Annie's secret circle can decode Annie's secret message. Remember, Annie is depending on you. Set your pins to B-2. Here is the message. 5. 11. 15...

Adult Ralphie: I am in my first secret meeting.

(The code continues as Ralphie writes each number down.)

Adult Ralphie: Pierre was in great voice tonight. I could tell that tonight's message was really important.

Pierre Andre: ...25. That's a message from Annie herself. Remember, don't tell anyone.

(Ralphie excitedly hurries to the family bathroom, pen, paper, and decoder pin in hand. He sets himself up to decode the message.)

Adult Ralphie: Ninety seconds later, I'm in the only room in the house where a boy of nine can sit in privacy and decode. (He starts following his pin.) Ah-ha! "B!" I moved to the next. "E!" The first word is "be!" "S." It was getting clear now. "U."

Randy: (Knocking on the door) Come on, Ralphie! I gotta go!

Ralphie: I'll be right out!

Randy: Gee whiz. (Ralphie continues decoding.)

Adult Ralphie: "Be sure to." "Be sure to" what? What was Little Orphan Annie trying to say? "Be sure to" what?

Mrs. Parker: (Also knocking) Ralphie, Randy has got to go! Will you please come out?!

Ralphie: I'll be right out, for crying out loud!

Adult Ralphie: (As his younger self keeps on decoding) What was it? The fate of the planet may hang in the balance! My fingers flew. My mind was like a steel trap. Every pore vibrated. It was almost clear. Yes, yes, yes!

Ralphie: (Reading the fully decoded message) "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine." (Looks up...) Ovaltine? (...then down at the paper) A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch. (A disappointed Ralphie trudges out.)

Adult Ralphie: I went out to face the world again. Wiser.

(Randy walks into the bathroom and puts the toilet seat up.)

The Lamp Breaks

(In the kitchen, Randy takes the lid off a pot on the stove, investigating what his mom's cooking.)

Ralphie: Red cabbage?

Mrs. Parker: No, that's for tomorrow night. You love red cabbage, Ralphie.

Mrs. Parker, having just finished filling her watering cup, goes off to the living room.

Adult Ralphie: What happened next was a family controversy for years.

(We hear a crashing sound. The Old Man, struggling with the furnace once again, comes out of the furnace room, steamed and covered in smoke.) no

The Old Man: What was that? What happened? (Ralphie shrugs, and he heads for the living room.) What broke? (Pan across to...)

Mrs. Parker: I don't know what happened. I was watering your plant and I... broke your lamp.

Distraught, the Old Man appears ready to strangle his wife at first. But instead, he takes off his gloves and snatches what remained of his major award.

The Old Man: Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.

Mrs. Parker: Jealous of a plastic leg?

The Old Man: JEALOUS! Jealous because I WON.

Mrs. Parker: That's ridiculous. Jealous? Jealous of what? That is, the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!

Adult Ralphie: Now it was out.

The Old Man: Get the glue.

Mrs. Parker: We're out of glue.

The Old Man: (Growls, then clutches what remains of the lamp even tighter) YOU USED UP ALL THE GLUE, ON PURPOSE! (He drops the lamp, then starts for outside.)

Adult Ralphie: The old man stood quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was:

The Old Man: (Just after donning his cap) Not a finger!

(He runs outside, and we see the leg, fully rebuilt. And just as the Old Man is about to add the finishing touch - the lampshade - it cracks under the pressure. He looks at his wife, trying to hide her schadenfreude.)

Adult Ralphie: With as much dignity as he could muster, the old man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now, I can never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played. Gently.

Stopped at the Front of School

(The next day, at school...)

Flick: You know what I'm getting my old man for Christmas?

Schwartz: No. What?

Flick: A rose that squirts. People come up to smell it, it squirts 'em.

Schwartz: I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.

Flick: A Flit gun?

Schwartz: Yeah--

(Suddenly, all three are startled by none other than Scut Farkus, hanging down from the climbing dome. The kids run off, and in comes Grover Dill.)

Grover: Stop right there!

Adult Ralphie: Gee, ordinarily, if Grover so much as said "hi" to you, you felt great, warm inside. But mostly, he just hit you in the mouth.

Grover: Yeah, get over here!

Ralphie: I-- I can't right now. I gotta go see Miss Shields.

Schwartz: Yeah. (Both he and Ralphie run off)

Grover: Hey, come here!

Scut: Yeah, get over here! Hey. (Schwartz turns around) Come here.

Flick: Who, me?

Grover: No, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah, you. Get over here!

Schwartz willingly submits.

Scut: Say "uncle."

Flick: Uncle.

Scut: Louder!

Flick: UNCLEEEEE!

Scut: Louder!

Flick: UNCLLEEEEEEEEEEE!

C+

(In Miss Shields' class, she's returning the students' themes Flick enters with a black eye.)

Miss Shields: All right, class, I have your Christmas themes for you. I'm pleased. In general, you did very well. However, I was disappointed in the margins.

Adult Ralphie: (As his younger self anticipates his grade) Oh boy, this is it. (He opens his folder and discovers...) C+?! Oh no, it can't be!

Ralphie: C+.

Miss Shields: (Now dressed like the Wicked Witch of the West) C+? (Cackles) C! (Cackles some more)

Adult Ralphie: (As his younger self looks down on his paper) Oh no! "You'll shoot your eye out?"

Ralphie: Oh no.

Adult Ralphie: My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields. There can be no other explanation.

Mrs. Parker and Miss Shields: (Singsongy, and with Mrs. Parker now dressed like a court jester imitating Dusty from Dusty’s Trail Love Doesn’t mean your bananas.) You'll shoot your eye out, you'll shoot your eye out! (They both laugh at him, with Ralphie's mom pointing at her own offspring)

Adult Ralphie: Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?!

Miss Shields: These multiplication questions were most missed in our last math test. Would you answer them in unison, please?

Adult Ralphie: (While his younger self places his chin in his hands, again) I was surrounded by happier kids who were all going to get what they wanted for Christmas.

Students: ...56.

Ralphie Loses It

(A miserable Ralphie sadly trudges on home. That is, until he's stopped by a snowball to the face. He removes his glasses, and looks up to see the bully and his toady, laughing at him.)

Grover: Hey four-eyes! How'd you like your snowball sandwich? Maybe you'd like another one!

(Scut drops down.)

Scut: Listen, jerk. When I tell you to come, you better come. What, are you gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby, cry. Come on, cry now! (As he continues to taunt Ralphie, he gets visibly angry)

Adult Ralphie: Deep in the recesses of my brain, a tiny, red-hot little flame began to grow.

(Finally, Ralphie just can't take it anymore - and pins Scut down to the ground, launching a violent assault on him. Grover takes notice.)

Grover: Hey.

Adult Ralphie: Something had happened. A fuse blew, and I had gone out of my skull.

Grover: Hey! Hey! (He taps Ralphie on the shoulder, only for him to slug him out.) I'm telling my dad!

(Grover runs off, and the other kids stop to watch as Ralphie beats Scut senseless some more.)

Kids: Yay, Ralphie! Alright, Ralphie! Beat him up! Beat him up!

Ralphie: You no-good damn knuckle rotter...

Kid: Did you hear what he just said?

Schwartz: Holy smokes!

Adult Ralphie: I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities... And swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.

(The screaming continues, and eventually, Randy corrals his mom over to the scene. Mrs. Parker runs over to Ralphie, still enraged.)

Flick: Ralphie. Ssshhh. Your mother!

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie! Ralphie, Ralphie! (She eventually calms Ralphie down.) Ralphie? (Ralphie cries.) Come on. We’re going home.

(Scut, suffering a visible nosebleed, gets up. He wipes it.)

An Uneasy Ralphie

(That night, Ralphie and his mother go off to the bathroom sink.)

Mrs. Parker: I want you to go in there and lie down in your room for a while. Ralphie, just settle down. [Removes Ralphie's wet hat.] [Hands a towel to Ralphie.] Here, dry off. All right, calm down. [Finishes drying his face.] All right. Now go lie down. [Ralphie exits the bathroom, and heads to his bedroom. Ralphie enters his bedroom and lays down on his bed.]

Adult Ralphie: The light was getting purple and soft outside. Almost time for my father to come home from work.

Outside, the Old Man is being harassed by the Bumpus Hounds again.

Adult Ralphie: He pulled into the driveway, and a wave of terror broke over me. He'll know what I said, the awful things that I said.

The Old Man: Aw, go on, get! Hey Bumpus, get over here and get your stinkin' dogs!

Ralphie trudges downstairs, all the way to the dinner table. He takes his seat next to his old man, who is reading the paper.

The Old Man: So, what happened? Where's your glasses?

Mrs. Parker: (Walking over to hand Ralphie his glasses) Uh, Ralphie, remember, you left these on the radio again. Now try not to do that anymore, okay?

The Old Man: What's with him?

Mrs. Parker: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight.

The Old Man: Yeah?

Mrs. Parker: You know how boys are. (Points at the paper) I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.

The Old Man: Oh, yeah. Zurdock's got tickets; I wish I had. Ah, well, he'll freeze his keister off there.

Adult Ralphie: I slowly began to realize I was not about to be destroyed. From that moment on, things were different between me and my mother.

The Old Man: The Chicago Bears. More like the Chicago Chipmunks, maybe, but Bears? Never.

Cut to Ralphie in his bed.

Adult Ralphie: Strange. Even something as monumental as "the Scut Farkus affair," as it came to be known, was pushed out my mind as I struggled for a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web in which my mother had me trapped.

Ralphie: Santa! Yeah, I'll ask Santa!

Adult Ralphie: Of course, Santa! The big man, the head honcho, the connection! (Chuckles mildly) My mother had slipped up this time.

Christmas Eve at Higbee's

Crossfade to the big Christmas Eve parade outside Higbee's. A marching band plays "Jingle Bells," and we see a lot of characters from The Wizard of Oz, mostly flying monkeys.

Ralphie: Mom, the store's gonna close soon and Santa's gonna be gone!

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie, will you please settle down?!

The parade continues, and the band goes into "Deck the Halls."

Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade that they had last year.

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie, just please calm down!

Ralphie: MOM!

Mrs. Parker: Hush!

The Old Man: Shut up, Ralphie!

The parade goes on.

Randy: Mickey, Mickey!

Cut to Mickey Mouse in the parade, dancing with Wizard of Oz characters.

Randy: Santa, Santa!

Passing by is Santa himself, in a giant snow-covered roof.

Mrs. Parker: Okay, let's go.

The Old Man: Yeah.

They all make their way inside, and we get our first glimpse at Higbee's Santa.

Mrs. Parker: (Pointing up) Now, you go upstairs and meet Santa, and we'll meet you all the way back here, okay?

Ralphie: Come on, Randy.

The Parker boys stop at the stairs, and are themselves stopped.

Patron: Hey! Just where do you two think you're going?

Ralphie: (Points up at the stairs) We're going up to see Santa.

Patron: Ha! The line ends here. It begins there. (He points back... way back.)

Ralphie: Let's go.

The boys are now at the very end of the line. A version of "Jingle Bells" plays over the PA, and a kid cries.

Adult Ralphie: The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre Haute, and I was at the end of it.

Just then, a weird kid in aviator goggles (David Svoboda) turns to Ralphie.

Weird Kid: I like Santa.

Ralphie: Yeah.

Adult Ralphie: Let's face it, most of us were scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.

Then we see Santa (Jeff Gillen) on his throne.

Santa: And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? A toy truck? Get him off my lap! (An elf [Drew Hocevar] grabs Billy and sends him on the slide.) Quick, get me a towel! Bye, Billy! Oh, how I hate the smell of tapioca.

Back down, a Wicked Witch cosplayer (Helen E. Kaider) sweeps the aisle.

Wicked Witch: The chocolate snowman eats little boys! (She tugs at Ralphie's cheek) What a tasty little boy!

Ralphie: Don't bother me. I'm... I'm thinking.

The Witch leaves.

Weird Kid: I like The Wizard of Oz...

Ralphie: Yeah.

Weird Kid: I like the Tin Man.

Ralphie just turns to the kid, concerned.

Santa: If Higbee thinks I'm working one minute past nine, he can kiss my foot. Ho-ho-ho!

Finally, Ralphie and Randy make their way up the stairs. Suddenly, the PA catches Ralphie's attention.

PA: Attention, shoppers. It is now 9:00 and our store is closing.

Adult Ralphie: 9:00? Great Scott! The store's gonna close!

Santa tangles with another kid, who starts screaming. The elf sends her down as well. Randy eventually has his turn with Santa, and then another elf (Patty Johnson) trudges up the stairs.

Female Elf: Listen, boy, we got a lot of people waiting here, so get going!

She starts dragging Ralphie up.

Female Elf: Come on! Quit dragging your feet!

Finally, Ralphie winds up in Santa's lap. The camera spins all around.

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho! (It eventually ends in an extreme close-up.) HO-HO-HO! Ho-ho! And what's your name, little boy?

Male Elf: Hey, kid! Hurry up, the store's closin'!

Santa: (He turns Ralphie's head over to his.) What would you like for Christmas, little boy?

Adult Ralphie: Oh! My mind had gone blank! Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted! I was blowing it, blowing it!

Male Elf: Come on, kid.

Santa: (Raises a finger) How about a nice, uh, football?

Adult Ralphie: Football? Football? What's a football? Without conscious will, my voice squeaked out "football!"

Ralphie: Yeah.

Santa: Okay, get him out of here. (The elf picks him up.)

Adult Ralphie: A football? Oh no, what was I doing?! Wake up, stupid! Wake up! NO!

Ralphie: NO! (He stops himself, and climbs back up the slide.) No, no! I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle! (He smiles.)

Santa: You'll shoot your eye out, kid. (Ralphie's smile disappears in an instant.) Merry Christmas. (Santa then pushes him down the slide.) Ho-ho-HO!

Ralphie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ralphie lands in a pile of cotton. We then see the other Parkers with Oz characters.

The Old Man: (Singing) And we're here to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of there they are! I'll see you in Oz, folks.

The parents pick up their kids.

Mrs. Parker: Well? Did you see Santa?

Ralphie: Yeah.

The Old Man: Did you tell him what you want?

Ralphie: Yeah.

The Old Man: Yeah, did he ask you if you've been a good boy all year?

Ralphie: No.

The Old Man: Don't worry. He knows. He always knows.

They start making their way out of the store.

Santa: Bye-bye, Chris. Merry Christmas!

Iris out.

Fumbling with the Tree

Iris back in to the Parker residence. The Old Man is busy fumbling with the tree.

The Old Man: There. Perfect. ...no, no, that star is crooked.

Mrs. Parker: (As her husband climbs up to fix it) That star is perfectly straight!

The Old Man fumbles and fixes it. Then he notices something else.

The Old Man: Well, I'll be damned! The green string is out!

Mrs. Parker: No, the green is on; it's the blue that's out.

The Old Man: (As he prepares a blue bulb) Oh, don't tell me what color it is. I'm not colorblind.

Mrs. Parker: I'm not colorblind either.

The bulb is attached, and the blue lights come on. And then we see a spark, and the lights go out. Everyone screams.

The Old Man: Hold it! Don't anybody move! Hold it right there! A fuse is out!

Adult Ralphie: The old man could replace fuses quicker than a jackrabbit on a date. He bought 'em by the gross.

The lights go back on, and the parents admire the tree. Randy yawns, inspiring Mrs. Parker to check her watch.

Mrs. Parker: Oh, goodness, look at the time! I just hope Santa hasn't had to pass up this house just because some boys weren't in BED when he came by!

The Old Man: Yeah, I thought I heard Santa's sleigh bells a little while ago going up and down the street.

Mrs. Parker: Alright, you two, upstairs!

Ralphie and Randy fumble and fight on their way upstairs.

The Old Man: Okay, let's get 'em.

Christmas Morning

The next day, we pan over to Ralphie's face. He wakes up, and opens his window.

Ralphie: Wow.

Outside, we see a beautiful vision of snow-covered Indiana. Ralphie turns to Randy.

Ralphie: Randy? C'mon, get up, Randy!

The kids excitedly race downstairs. They admire their presents.

Ralphie: Wow!

They run down and start playing with their presents.

Randy: A fire truck! Oh boy, that's mine? (He reaches for the ladder) Does this raise?

Just then, the parents walk down.

The Old Man: Merry Christmas!

Mrs. Parker: Oh, Randy, wait for Christmas to start, honey.

Randy: I wanna play Santa, play Santa!

The Old Man: Wait a minute, Randy-- he played Santa last year, didn't he?

Mrs. Parker: Alright, you can play Santa this year.

The Parkers start tearing into their presents.

Adult Ralphie: Christmas had come, officially. We plunged into the cornucopia, filled with ecstasy and unbridled avarice.

The Old Man: Did I get a tie this year?

...

Randy: Whoopee, a zeppelin!

The Old Man: A can of Simonize.

...

Mrs. Parker: And Ralphie, I think I see Aunt Clara's gift to you over there. She always makes such wonderful presents.

Ralphie opens his present from Aunt Clara, revealing it to be a pink bunny outfit.

Adult Ralphie: Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually four years old, but also a girl.

Mrs. Parker: Oh, isn't that sweet? Ralphie, go upstairs and try it on if you--

Ralphie: I don't want to!

Mrs. Parker: Go upstairs right now and put on that present! She went to all that trouble to make it, now go on!

Ralphie runs upstairs.

Mrs. Parker: Here. (She drops a paper-wrapped ball on her husband's groin.) From me to you.

The Old Man: (In pain) Thanks a lot! (He unwraps the paper.) Well, what do we have here? It's a ball! Oh, it's a blue bowling ball.

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie! We're waiting!

Ralphie: Aw, come on, Mom!

Mrs. Parker: RIGHT NOW!

Down comes Ralphie, clad in the bunny suit.

Adult Ralphie: Those pink bunny eyes stared sappily up at me. (Ralphie starts coming down all the way) I just hope Flick never spotted them, as the word of this humiliation could easily make life at Warren G. Harding School a veritable hell.

Mrs. Parker: Ohhhh, isn't that cute? That is the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life. (Randy laughs)

Ralphie: Shut up.

The Old Man: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.

Mrs. Parker: He does not!

The Old Man: He does too; he looks like a pink nightmare. Do you wanna take it off? (Ralphie nods his head) Tell the kid to take it off.

Mrs. Parker: Alright, you'll only wear it when Aunt Clara visits; now go on and take it off.

The Old Man: Take it off!

The BB Gun

In the aftermath of Christmas, Randy lies asleep, sitting around a zeppelin and a Frankenstein mask. We pan up to the rest of the family.

The Old Man: My God, will you look at this mess. Who's gonna clean this up?

Ralphie: Not me.

The Old Man: You know, this wine isn't bad. It's not great, either - you want a sip?

Ralphie: Yeah.

Mrs. Parker: No you don't. Well, did you have a nice Christmas?

Ralphie: Yeah.

The Old Man: Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?

Ralphie: Almost.

The Old Man: Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas. (He starts to get up) Wait a minute... I think I see something over there.

Ralphie gets up, and starts walking toward the box. His excited parents watch as he tears off the wrapping paper to reveal what he wanted all along: an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle.

Ralphie: Wow.

He takes the rifle out of the box to admire it.

The Old Man: You know how to load it? (Ralphie takes the bullets out and starts to load the rifle.) Don't. They run all over.

Ralphie: Can I try it out, Ma? Can I? Can I?

Mrs. Parker: Well... all right. But outside. Oh, I still say those things are dangerous. (Ralphie excitedly runs off.) Uh, put on your galoshes and your coat! It's cold out! (She turns to her husband.)

The Old Man: I had one when I was eight years old.

Mrs. Parker: But what if he hurts himself--

The Old Man: Hey!

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie, your coat!

Ralphie makes his way out the kitchen door, and his parents follow.

Mrs. Parker: Don't shoot any animals or birds!

The Old Man: Except the Bumpuses' dogs! (He laughs)

Mrs. Parker: Oh, hush! Be careful, Ralphie! (She gets the turkey out of the oven.)

Adult Ralphie: The old man was a bonafide turkicanus freak.

Outside, Ralphie prepares to take his first shot.

Ralphie: Okay, Black Bart. Now you get yours.

He aims at a target, planted right upon a metal sign. Just then, Ralphie fires, and the bullet ricochets off of the sign, knocking him to the ground.

Adult Ralphie: Oh my God, I shot my eye out!

Santa: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

'Mrs. Parker & Miss Shields: You'll shoot your eye out, you'll shoot your eye out

Santa: Ho ho ho!

Mrs. Parker: (Still cutting the turkey) Ralphie, you be careful out there. Don't shoot anybody's eye out.

Adult Ralphie: She hadn't seen. She didn't know. (As his younger self surveys the damage) My eye's all right. The BB must have hit my glasses. (He feels around his face) My glasses! Oh no, where are my glasses! Few things brought such swift and terrible retribution on a kid as a pair of busted glasses!

Back inside, the Old Man tries to sneak off some turkey, until his wife comes in.

Mrs. Parker: STOP!

The Old Man runs off, and back outside, Ralphie saunters through the snow. We hear a crack, and he lifts his boot up to reveal he stepped on his glasses.

Ralphie: Oh no. Oh no.

Adult Ralphie: For a moment, I thought "I'll fake it. They'll never know the lens is gone." Rapidly, my mind formed a spectacular plot. Let's see, what was it... yes, an icicle! Falls off the garage and hits me in the eye! It had to work. It had to. Quickly, I whipped up some tears.

Ralphie starts crying, and his mom stops cutting the turkey.

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie?

She runs outside, and finds Ralphie crying in the snow.

Mrs. Parker: Ralphie, are you all right?

Ralphie: There was this icicle, and it fell off the garage--

Inside, the Old Man cuts at the turkey.

The Old Man: What's going on?

Mrs. Parker: Nothing. We're fine. You stay away from that turkey! It's got an hour to cook. You'll get worms.

The Old Man slams his knife on the table, then sneaks off a piece of turkey.

Ralphie: And it hit my cheek, and it broke my glasses...

Mrs. Parker takes her son inside, and off to the bathroom, where she ails his wound with some rubbing alcohol.

Ralphie: But what about my glasses?

Mrs. Parker: Well, you can wear the old ones with the crack in them until we get you some new ones. (Ralphie turns to the camera and smiles...)

Adult Ralphie: I had pulled it off. (...and back to his mother)

Ralphie: But I left my gun outside.

Mrs. Parker: Well, when we get dressed up you can go out and get your gun. Ralphie, you're lucky it didn't cut your eye; those icicles have been known to kill people!

Cut to the Old Man on his easy chair, reading the newspaper

The Old Man: What's going on up there?

Mrs. Parker: Nothing. We'll be down. Just read your funnies. It's all right.

Adult Ralphie: Ah, life is like that. Sometimes, when we're at our height, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world... the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Turkey Disaster

And with an open door comes unthinkable disaster, as dogs start walking into the house. Not just any hounds, but the Bumpuses. They knock down the table with the turkey on it, barking and setting off the Parkers. The Old Man gets up.

The Old Man: Oh, oh, turkey!

Unfortunately for him, the dogs had already gobbled up the whole dinner. The Old Man chases them out.

The Old Man: SONSABITCHES! BUMPUSES!

He walks back inside, and Mrs. Parker starts weeping. The Old Man then picks up a piece of turkey.

Adult Ralphie: The heavy aroma still hung heavy in the house, but it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey gravy! No turkey sandwiches, turkey hash, turkey a la king, or gallons of turkey soup! (He drops the turkey) Gone, all gone!

Mrs. Parker still cries until Ralphie hands her the washcloth. The Old Man has an idea...

The Old Man: All right. Everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.

The Parkers are now at a Chinese restaurant. Three singing waiters stand around the Parkers' table.

Singers: (In a "mix up Ls and Rs" accent) Deck the halls with boughs of holly/Fa la la la la, la la la la/'Tis the season to be jolly...

Father: No, no, no, no, no! Not "ra ra ra ra ra," "LA la la la la!" Sing like this: (He sings it again, getting the "L"s right.)

Singers: (Screwing it up again) Deck the halls with boughs of holly/Fa la la la la, la la la la/'Tis the season--

Father: No, no, no, no, no. Sing something else.

Singers: (In the same accent) Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way/Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh

Father: Stop, stop, stop! Kitchen, bring food. For customers.

The chef brings out a big roasted duck with its' head intact. Mrs. Parker shrieks and starts giggling.

The Old Man: Oh my!

Father: You don't like it?

The Old Man: Oh, it's a beautiful duck. But you see, it's...

Mrs. Parker: It's still got it's... (giggling loudly)

The Old Man:it's... "smiling" at me.

They laugh it off, and the father cuts the "head" off, scaring Mrs. Parker momentarily before laughing loudly. Ralphie watches the whole thing in amazement, trying not to laugh. Then they all applaud.

Adult Ralphie: That Christmas would live on in our memories as the Christmas when we were introduced to Chinese turkey. All was right with the world.

Iris out.

Ending

Iris back in to the Parker house that night. Mrs. Parker walks down the stairs, watching the light show with her husband.

Mrs. Parker: Oh my, isn't that pretty?

We then cut to the boys in bed, Randy with his zeppelin and Ralphie with his rifle.

Adult Ralphie: Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled, blue-steeled beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received or would ever receive. Gradually I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.

Crossfade to outside the house, where the end credits roll. Fade out.