(The movie opens on Robin Harris in a live-action footage as he performs his stand-up routine of the same events that are related to the movie.)
Robin Harris: I don't talk to no pretty women when I'm on the road. Hard to get along with. You know, pretty women are hard to get along with. An ugly woman is easy. You know, they don't want no trouble, you know. I'm serious. They doing their thing, cook all night for you. And I have bad luck with women, y'all don't know. Man, you don't know. You meet a woman with their kids, you can't even get none. Go over girl's house, what, 4 in the morning. 4:00, little kids still up. Drinking coffee and taking NoDoz. You start yawning, they look at your ass, talking about, "Can't hang, huh?" We BeBe's kids. We don't die, we... ...multiply! I went to pick her up the next day, and here she got four more kids. I said: "Who kids are them?" She said, "Those are BeBe's kids." Some guy out there, some white guy out there thought they were my... my kids. That's what made me mad. "Bro, brother... "Bro-ham. "Tell me, are those your kids?" "No, no way. Ain't none of them my kids. "Them BeBe's kids." I went to turn my radio on, man, they tried to take my radio while I'm listening to it. Girl said, "Put the radio back, "you know damn well we can't get rid of no more 8-track. "Put it back."
You cannot eat hot links on the bar. Hey, mister, that beer has been here since 12:00. You either order again or you got to go. I'm sorry. I got some money-spending people coming in here.
Bartender: I gotta make some room in here. All these lowlife deadbeats ain't never spending... Hey. If you don't go somewhere and sit down, I'm gonna knock you down, you know that? You about to get on my last nerve. What's wrong, Robin? Woman trouble? (Robin groans as he gulps down a glass of beer.) Get it off your chest. Robin Harris: I don't want to talk about it right now. Bartender: Come on, man, you'll feel better. (He pours him a refill into his glass.) Come on, boy, get it off your chest. Robin Harris: I don't want to talk about it right now. Bartender: Man, you can't walk around with problems staying inside you. The best thing to do is let it out. You'll feel better. Robin Harris: Not right now. I really ain't got nothing to say.
Bartender: All right. All right.
(Robin gives in and begins explaining his problem.)
Robin Harris: I knew she was trouble. (He grabs the bartender by his collar.) I should have known it when I met her. It was at a funeral. (growls)
(The scene fades to a picture frame of Jamika's boss, Walter at his funeral.)
Walter's Wife: Oh, Lord! Oh, Walter! (sobs)
(Robin is then seen surrounded by Walter's family members, friends, and employees at the funeral.)
Robin Harris: Everybody was there. Because everybody was glad he was dead.
Man #1: He was about 4-feet-3. Wore those high-heeled shoes all the time. Man #2: No. He was about 5-feet-6, but when that truck hit him, kind of cut him down a little bit.
(As Robin is about to eat a cookie, he gasps as he sees Jamika for the first time.)
Robin Harris: Look at this brick house. Damn! (Jamika then puts a handkerchief to dab the tears away.) She so fine, she make you want to get a job, with benefits! (
As Robin helps himself to another cookie, a cockroach crawls around the cookie. Robin eats the cookie and spits it out when he feels the cockroach inside his mouth. Jamika notices Robin coughing the cookie remains on the floor. Robin sees Jamika and backs away, waving at her embarrasingly. At the same time, a group of men are playing a card game.)
Card Player #1: Let's play the game, man.
Card Player #2: I'm playing the game, man, you just looking to hit.
Card Player #1: (hits the table) Hit that! Let's drop something down!
Card Player #3: I don't know. In Beverly Hills, we don't play that.
Card Player #1: I'm gonna take all your money.
Card Player #2: That boy is crazy, ain't he crazy? Look who just walk in here.
Card Player #1: Hey, Robin! Come over here, man. You've been working last week. Come on and lose some of that money.
Robin: Oh, no. Only way I'd lose money to y'all if I had a hole in my pocket.
Card Player #4: Then, sit down and quit tryin' to look at everybody's hand.
Robin: Shut up, you old fat fool. Look at you. You know, you so big you don't know if you're walkin' or rolling'.
Card Player #4: I'm not fat. I'm pleasantly plump. I keep telling you that.
Card Player #2: Boy, I'm so glad that damn Walter is dead.
Card Player #3: Who ain't? The only reason his widow is over there crying is because he didn't leave her no life insurance.
Card Player #4: I'm sorry to hear that, because he died owing me money again.
Card Player #1: Shoot, Walter owed everybody money. Let me tell y'all something. That Walter was so cheap, he wouldn't spend a lovely evening.
Card Player #2: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who's that girl in that black dress?
Card Player #3: Good God almighty. Umm-umm-umm.
All: Which one?
Card Player #2: With the braids.
Card Player #3: Have mercy.
Card Player #1: Oh, her? She was Walter's secretary.
Card Player #4: I'll bet she can't type a stroke.
Card Player #1: Type? I don't think she had to type.
Robin: Hey, Rudy, ain't your wife a secretary?
Card Player #1: Y'all stop this stuff now, I'm trying to win this game. Robin: Uh-oh.
Card Player #1 (Rudy): Here she comes. Y'all ever notice that Walter smelled?
Card Player #3: He's got that new deodorant on.
Card Player #2: I think it's called formaldehyde. You sure look good in black, baby! Robin: (scoffs)
Card Player #3: She puts me in the mind of Players magazine.
Card Player #4: Nineteen seventy-three.
Robin: Pam Grier issue!
Card Player #2: That's the one, that's the one.
Jamika: I know it's hard now. If you need me, call me. OK?
Card Player #4: All right.
Robin: Hey, look here y'all, I gotta go. Because while I'll be at work tomorrow, y'all be in a bed dreaming about a job.
Card Player #1 (Rudy): At least, we be dreaming and not hauling nobody else's trash. That's for sure.
Card Player #2: You know, I like funerals. I'm glad I went to a funeral.
Card Player #3: I'll be glad when I go to yours.
Robin: Excuse me, miss. I didn't catch your name.
Jamika: Didn't throw it.
Robin: Well, my name is Robin.
Jamika: Robin. That explains the red vest.
Robin: Oh, like the bird. That's kind of cute.
Jamika: A little festive for this event, though.
Robin: Shoot, I don't care nothing about no Walter. I could have come to Walter's funeral in my drawers. Pretty late for a woman to be catching the bus all alone. Do you need a ride?
Jamika: No, thank you. I have a car.
Robin: Well, mind giving me one, then? Well, that sure was a nice funeral, wasn't it? Well, that sure is a good sign, you feel comfortable enough to give me a ride, even though you don't know a damn thing about me. Because I could be crazy, you know. I hate doing a favor for somebody who make you want to take it back. You know, like when you give somebody a ride, and they got a warrant out on them. Hey, hey, tell a brother buckle up first.
Jamika: You trying to tell me something with that story?
Robin: I'm just trying to tell you a funny story. Trying to amuse you. But you're trying to kill me in this little thing. -
Jamika: Sorry. You made me nervous.
Robin: Well, you ain't the only one. So, what's your name? (resumes narrating) She said she had to pick up her son at the babysitter. And I asked why didn't she just have her husband to watch the kids. After all, a good father should be wanting to spend some quality time with his kids.
Jamika: When that becomes your business, I'll ask your advice.
Robin: She said she was divorced.
Robin: (cont.) Once I saw the kid, I knew I had it made. Because you know I'm good with kids. (to Leon) Hey, little buddy, what did you do tonight, huh?
Leon: Man, I don't even know you.
Leon: Sorry. We watched videos.
Robin: I got a movie you should watch next time. It's called Dolemite and it's about these pimps...
Jamika: Now, why do you think I'm going to let my son see one of those killer pimp movies?
Robin: Oh, you must not have seen Dolemite. Because that movie will teach you to appreciate poetry.
Way down in the jungle deep,
Robin, Lush, & Barfly: The badass lion stepped on,
The signifying monkey's feet!
Robin: Dolemite, my man.
Lush: You know, that's romantic.
Robin: Anyway. I could tell he was a nice kid. But she was sheltering him a little too much. But, she couldn't help but see how good we was getting along. So, Dakota Staton's playing down at the Regal Room next Friday and I would love for you to come with me. But I wouldn't know what to call you.
Robin: Oh, Jamika. So how does Dakota at the Regal sound?
Jamika: And find a babysitter on a Friday night? If you want to get better acquainted with me and my son, you should take us somewhere more appropriate, like... ...oh, Fun World.
Robin: Fun World.
Leon: Yeah. Robin: So, I said, "No problem. - "I'll pick y'all up Saturday at 10." Patron #1: No.
Robin: Y'all know me, I'm an old-fashioned type of guy. I didn't have to get a kiss that night.
Barfly: Yeah, that night. But, wait 'til he spends some money.
Robin: Look at this cheap thing. So I goes to pick her up the next day. She got three more kids with her! Uh, w-w-what's this? What's this? Jamika: These are children.
Robin: Wait. You said you had a kid.
Jamika: These are BeBe's kids. This is LaShawn.
Robin: Oh, critter number one. OW! I ought to beat the... Oh. Jamika: This is Kahlil. Robin: What's up? - Kahlil: What's up? Robin: Kind of militant. You a Farra-Chaka Khan? Kahlil: Come on, man, give it up. Robin: OK. That's OK. Hey! Kahlil: Man, you don't know how to shake? Robin: I said...
Kahlil: That's pitiful. Old man like you.
Robin: Look at this. Look like a broken-down spring. I ought to slap you with the two fingers I got left. Ow! What the? Jamika: And this is little Pee Wee. Pee Wee: Pee Wee, the O.G.
Robin: O.G.? I'll slap my F-O-O-T in your B-U-T.
Pee Wee: Oh, my goodness. Those aren't double-knit pants, are they? Trying to bring it back, huh?
Robin: What is this? So where's BeBe? Jamika: She went downtown.
Robin: So, how come she didn't take her little tribe with her?
Jamika: Don't worry about it, she left $20 to get her kids into Fun World.
Robin: BeBe left $20. Twenty dollars ain't enough gas to put in my car.
Kahlil: He don't look too happy to see us, do he, LaShawn?
Robin: She left $20 here for me to take these 80 kids out. Ain't that a...
Jamika: Come on, Robin. The kids can't wait. I can't either. This going to be fun.
LaShawn: Hey, look at me when I'm talkin' to you. Pee Wee: What's up with all those? Leon: Ma! Kahlil: Don't be a tattletale.
LaShawn: And make us lose the little respect that we do have for you. Robin: What's wrong, Leon? Leon: Nothin'. Man, why you always messing with me? Kahlil: Because she like you. LaShawn: I do not. It's just because- Kahlil: She thinks you cute.
LaShawn: I ain't going with no runt like Leon.
Kahlil: She can't wait for you to grow up.
LaShawn:I had enough of you. Jamika: Hey, break it up back there! Robin: Hey, don't worry, honey. Once we get there, everything will be just fine. Just fine.
Jamika: Come on, Leon. Wake up, sweetie. We almost here. Wake up, kids. Robin, you can slow down now, we're here. Robin! Robin, wake up! Robin: Woah!
Patrol Officer: Thank you, ma'am. You have a fun time, now. Step out of the car. Now, sir, you came to quite an abrupt stop. Carrying any illegal substances? Concealed fruits?
Robin: Hey! Hey!
Patrol Officer: Vegetables?
Robin: No, I left that at home with the gun.
Patrol Officer: Stay right there.
Robin: Trying to make me feel like a king, huh?
Patrol Officer: Everyone's king at Fun World, sir. Jamika: Don't even try it.
Patrol Officer: God, I hate kids.
Fun World Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to Fun World.
Robin: Thirty-five dollars? That's for the whole group, right? Damn! One, two, three, four, five. Jamika, give me that $20 BeBe left.
Fun World Announcer: Have a nice day.
Security Guard #1: Say! Well, look what we have here. Are you starting trouble?
Security Guard #2: Definitely a troublemaker.
Security Guard #3: He's a 4-15 in progress!
Kahlil: Hey, back off my tip. I was just gettin' a drink of water.
Security Guard #1: Watch that hostile attitude.
Security Guard #3: We'll ask the questions, kid.
Security Guard #1: What's this on your hat?
Security Guard #3: It looks like some sort of gang insignia.
Kahlil: Look, I ain't in no gang. Now, give me back my hat. I said, give me back my hat!
Security Guard #1: Ow!
Security Guard #2: You just remember: We'll be watching you. You trouble-makin' delinquent.
Robin: Hundred ninety-seven... ...ninety-eight... ...ninety-nine... ...two hundred! Don't act like you don't want it.
Jamika: What do you say to Mr. Harris, kids?
Kahlil, LaShawn & Pee-Wee: F...
Leon: Thank you.
Ticket Woman: Here are your tickets, programs, maps, senior-citizen discount cards, tennis shoes, a basketball, mugs, decals, bumper stickers, coupons, napkins, swizzle sticks, visor, sweat band, and a T-shirt. Please familiarize and observe the rules while in Fun World. No running, no jumping, no yelling, no cutting in line, no grumbling, no stealing- That means you. No breaking things and putting them back like nothing happened. No sad faces, bad attitudes, introspective moments, irritation at the mindless happiness of the masses. And... no littering. Is that clear? Enjoy your stay.
Robin: All right. Don't run around and work up an appetite, 'cause I ain't feeding you little heathens. And don't touch a damn thing!
Leon: Found mine.
Kahlil: How come we can't never find our name?
LaShawn: Yeah, I know four girls named LaShawn. How come we don't have a license plate? Kahlil?
Chorus: He ain't havin it!
He ain't havin it!
He ain't havin it!
He ain't havin it!
Robin: You the kinda kids that ain't never been nowhere,
'Cause Bebe taught ya, or you just don't care.
But, case is clear that you don't know how to act.
But, ya better learn quick, or I'll take ya right back!!!
Now, I'm not askin ya run round like some heathens,
'Cause if ya thinkin bout crawlin',
I'mma think about leavin'!
The date just started, and I'm tired of this!
I'm not yo daddy, and I ain't havin' it!!!
PA System: Warning. You have activated a maximum-security system. Do not panic.
Chorus: He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
Robin: If ya wanna start a fight, I'm ready for war!
I'll crack yo ruffty butts back in the car!
Roll up the windows, put no air conditionin',
Blackenin' out from da heat that your gone be pushin',
That you never, ever thought on about,
Actin' a fool and showin' off!
So when I say stop, you're gonna quit!
I'm not yo daddy, and I ain't havin it!!!
Chorus: He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
Cashier: Excuse me, sir, but I have to charge you for the items your kids manhandled in the store.
Jamika: Oh, where did Pee-Wee go?
Kahlil: I ain't saying Jack.
Robin: Oh, you ain't going to talk, huh? Come here. Come here, you little-! If you don't tell me where your little brother is, I'm gonna beat the black off you. You gonna look lighter than Michael Jackson. Where is he? Where is he?! (resumes rapping)
Robin: Now I'm not the one you wanna try,
I'll spank yo behind an' make yo behind cry.
You'll get no appeals, bargains or pleas.
Don't care if yo sorry or beggin on yo knees,
Not a threat, not a promise, but a natural fact!
I ain't yo daddy, and I ain't havin' it!!!
Chorus: He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
He ain't havin' it!
Kahlil: But, we was just playin'. Other kids are playin', too.
Robin: (mutters) Well, if you start up again, I'm gonna drop you like a bad habit! You hear that?! Kahlil, LeShawn, Leon, & Pee-Wee: Yeah. Robin: Test-tube baby.
Kahlil: Can we eat? Man, I'm hungry.
LeShawn: We were too excited to have breakfast.
Kahlil: Yeah, that's it.
Jamika: BeBe don't keep nothing in her fridge.
Robin: (groans) I tell ya, Jamika, that BeBe, she's gettin' on my nerves. I ain't even met the child. Look at these poor children. Look at them, starvin'. They be better off in Ethiopia. Kahlil, LeShawn, Leon, & Pee-Wee: Mama said, knock you out!
I'm gonna knock you out!
Mama said, knock you out! Dorothea: Hello, Robin. Long time, no see.
Robin: (gasps) Hi, Dorothea. I been meanin' to call you, but, um- my phone got shut off.
Dorothea: Mmm, funny. I always get your machine when I call.
Robin: Oh, I can get incoming, but I just can't dial out.
Dorothea: Don't worry. I'm not gonna sweat you for my alimony check. I'm just here to have fun. Just like you. Oh, Robin. This is my friend Vivian.
Robin: Oh, Lord, not another one. Damn!
Vivian: Quite an appetite you got there.
Robin: Oh, yeah, well, you know, I came with some people. Dorothea: Well, that was quick. Was I so... Robin: D-D-Dorothea. I gotta go. Food's getting cold. Vivian: Food ain't the only thing cold around here. Dorothea: (huffs) Vivian: You know he still love you.
Dorothea: (sighs) Robin: Was she born to torture me? Look at her. Can't even wear high-heel shoes. Just sliding and sliding all over the place. Smoke coming out, look like a train coming down a aisle. (The scene cuts back to Robin continuing his story at the bar.) I remember one time she went into Lane Bryant. Ummm, "I would like to see somethin; to fit me." Sales lady looked at her, said, "Me, too."
Kahlil, LeShawn, Leon, & Pee-Wee: Mama said, knock you out!
I'm gonna knock you out!
Mama said, knock you out!
Robin: (cont) Seein' that skeezer made me feel even better about bein' with Jamika. She's about something.
Bartender: What about the kids?
Robin: The kids? (scoffs) You kiddin' me? Those kids must have missed a few meals. They were eatin' so fast... ...I had to spit on my food to keep them from taking mine. Sorry about that there. So then I took them on the scariest ride in the park, and that kept them behaved.
Kahlil, LeShawn, Leon, & Pee-Wee: Yes! Yeah!
Robin: (panicking) No. No. No. No! Y'all smell something? Pee Wee, is that you? Jamika, this is the last time I take you... (screams) ...and these crazy kids... (screams) ...anywhere! Slow down! Slow down! Slow down!
LeShawn: Bye, Leon.
Robin: Hey, this is- this is fun, right? OK, you can pull the cord now. The cord. Pee Wee!
Pee-Wee: You mean this cord right here?
LaShawn: (laughing) Kahlil & Pee-Wee: (laughing) LaShawn: What's the matter? Can't hang? Leon: (vomits offscreen) Pee-Wee: Dang.
Robin: I'm just glad it didn't happen on the roller coaster, because you would have got me too. Leon: (grateful) Thank you, Mr. Harris.
Robin: (kindly) Oh, you welcome, son. Just lay off them chili dogs. Come on, boy. Kahlil, Kyle, whatever your name is, you next.
Dorothea: Father faker. Robin: Since the kids started acting civilized, we let them go off on their own. And me and Jamika took a little boat trip. Leon: Mama, I want to go with you.
Jamika: You can't be with us now, sweetie. Now, just run along and play with your friends.
Leon: Friends? Those are not my friends. I hate when you babysit BeBe's kids. Why couldn't we go to Fun World alone?
Jamika: Oh, honey.
Robin: Leon, come here. Now, I know you don't like BeBe's kids. I don't like them kids either. But, you all don't have to like each other. But, they do have to respect you. Now, that's something I can't make them do, Leon. You have to do it for yourself.
Leon: How do I get respect?
Robin: Easy. Don't worry about what they think about you. Just do what you do best, and then, you'll win respect on your own terms.
Leon: That's it?
Robin: Yeah. Oh, and one other thing. If you get into a fight, don't fight fair. Get a brick and knock the hell out of them kids!
Jamika: Robin, I heard you.
Robin: All right, little man. Have a good time. And remember what I said.
Leon: Bye, Mama. Thanks, Mr. Harris.
Robin: I don't mean to get in your business, but maybe you should sign Leon up for some karate classes. That boy kind of soft.
Game Operator: Step right up, young fellow. Give it a good hit, now. If that's the best you can do, you'll have to come back in a couple years. Come on now, move along. Move along. Who will be next to test their strength? Step right up.
LaShawn: Look who's back. Little Leon.
Kahlil: Welcome back, weenie.
Pee Wee: Oh, yeah, here he is, the weenie man.
LaShawn: You ready? I thought you was gonna hang around your mama leg all day.
Leon: At least, my mama's here. Pee Wee & Kahlil: Oooohhh.
LaShawn: Well, your mama ain't gonna be here to catch you when I knock you out. So, you better watch your mouth, because you're talking about our mama. Kahlil: Yeah. What's up with that, man?
Pee Wee: Yeah, huh? Fun World Announcer: Hey, kids! Time for another Cartoon Cavalcade at Fun World Playhouse on Flea Street! With plenty of free popcorn!
Leon: Come on, let's get a good seat.
LaShawn: Don't try to change the subject.
Pee Wee: So, what up with that? Y'all gonna scrap or give a hug?
Kahlil: (shoves Leon) Go on, kiss her. (laughs with Pee Wee) We got them good. Look at that expression on her face. Mack daddy, Leon. Pee Wee: Oh, yeah, player of the year. You got it going on, baby, like no other.
Leon: You guys play too much, man.
LaShawn: I'm gonna get you guys! You know I don't like kissing boys! I'm gonna get you two! Dorothea: Look! No wonder they going so much faster! Get some of this food off the boat. Vivian: Well, I need it to live.
Dorothea: Get that chicken out your purse!
Jamika: You really have been sweet with the kids today, Robin.
Robin: Jamika, is BeBe your sister?
Jamika: No. Robin: Is she your cousin? Jamika: Umm-Umm
Robin: Is her man your loan shark? Jamika: BeBe is a friend. Shoot, I would want somebody to help me if I had problems like she does.
Robin: They got correctional facilities for problems like that, Jamika.
Jamika: They just need a strong man in their life. You got any kids? Robin: Nope. Jamika: Ever been married? Robin: Next question.
Jamika: Do you want kids?
Robin: Hell, no! Especially if they turn out to be like BeBe's kids.
Jamika: But you know, you're really good with them.
Robin: Not that I like you for the kids. I like you.
Jamika: Sometimes, it just don't seem like the right things happen to the right people. Or the right people just don't be at the right place at the right time.
Robin: Yeah, like the white people on Arsenio's band. Jamika: Robin, I mean BeBe. Robin: Hold up, Jamika. That's enough talk about BeBe. I only know one thing: I'm definitely in the right place, at the right time. Right now. Just scoot them baby hips over.
Jamika: Boy, you crazy.
Singer #1: I'm the funniest sensation.
Been here just like this before.
If there's any indication of a future,
I want more.
Singer #2: Now, I don't have lot to give you.
I ain't putting on no airs,
But if you just let me be with you,
Love has riches we can share..
Both Singers: 'Cause we have so much in common.
We could be two of a kind,
No matter how the chips may fall.
Like a puzzle on a table,
Like a hand and glove, we fit together.
I'm gonna give you all my love.
Pee Wee: Hey, y'all can't leave me, the little O.G.Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, man, are you out of your mind?
LaShawn: Hey Kahlil, over here. Hey, up here. Down here.
Kahlil: Hey, Pee Wee, I froze you.
Pee Wee: It's too hot to stay froze.
Kahlil: Oh, I see a popsicle coming now.
Security Guard #1: Where are your parents?
Security Guard #2: Yeah. Your mommy and daddy.
Kahlil: Where you think they at? Over at your parents' house playing pinochle.
Security Guard #1: Another smart remark, and you'll be ejected from Fun World.
Security Guard #3: Understand?
Security Guard #1: Unsupervised minors are prohibited from engaging in unauthorized leisure activities.
Security Guard #3: Yeah, no laying around.
Security Guard #1: Shut up. I do all the talking.
Security Guard #3: All right. LaShawn: We weren't in anybody's way, OK? Security Guard #1: The issue is not obstruction of walkways.
Kahlil: Oh, so you trying to say we can't play freeze tag? Security Guard #1: Correct. However, we have a variety of engrossing... Security Guard #3: Yeah, real scary. Security Guard #1: ...exhibits designed for your age demographic. Allow me to escort you to my personal favorite.
Security Guard #2: Follow him.
LaShawn: Get your hands off me! Security Guard #3: Let's go, people.
Security Guard #1: Safety first.
Security Guard #2: Strap them in tighter.
Security Guard #3: Good night, Gracie.
Security Guard #1: All clear here. We're on our way back to headquarters. Everything is A-OK.
Fun World Chorus: Fun World turns onto basic assumption,
Proving time after time.
Family dysfunction and compulsive consumption,
Are two sides of the same dime.
If our hand in your pants feels like a grand presumption,
That's where our fortune is found.
Because fools and all their money make Fun World go round!
Overpriced merchandise galore!
Leave your wallets with us at the door.
Don't come out until you buy some more! More! More, more, more!
The power of suggestion cannot be ignored,
So the saying goes.
And the karat is mightier than the sword,
When it hangs in front of your nose.
We hope it's a karat that you can afford... Toy Soldier Robot: Halt. No one under 17 admitted without parent or guardian.
Security Guard #1: Just as I suspected.
Security Guard #3: Just as we suspected.
Security Guard #1: Get those kids!
Kids: Oh, no!
Kahlil: Way to go, Leon.
LaShawn: Yeah, I knew you had it in you! I knew you had a little BeBe in you!
Pee Wee: All right!
Opie (Winthrop): Wow. Who are you guys?
Kahlil: We BeBe's kids.
Opie (Winthrop): BeBe's kids?
Pee Wee: Yeah. We don't die, we multiply.
Opie (Winthrop): All right.
Richie: Who's he?
Kahlil: He's just a punk.
Leon: Man, I ain't no punk.
Kalhlil: Oh, so you down, then?
Leon: Yeah. For whatever.
Opie (Winthrop): Hey, yo. Can we be BeBe's kids?
Kalhlil: No, punk. But you can hang with us for a while.
Richie: Yeah, all right.
Kalhlil: That's cool, dude. What's your name, man?
Opie (Winthrop): My name's Winthrop.
Kalhlil: Winthrop? No, man, we calling you Opie.
Richie: My name's Richie.
LaShawn: Like the comic book Richie? Damn, you guys got some corny names.
Richie: What's your name? Kahlil: I'm the jaw breaker, the candy taker.
And if I skip school, I'm the flu faker.
Original man in a strange land.
You never saw my butt on American Bandstand.
The MC's name is Kahlil,
And if you can't spell it, You never will.
Allah the provider,
For the flavor you're lacking.
But if you stop my flow,
Start straight jacking. LaShawn: Look. Chorus Man: Straight jacking.
LaShawn: I'm LaShawn,
No, not Latifah,
Demanding the mike just like Aretha.
Cute little girl, but I fight like a man.
I even made Iron Mike Tyson say "Damn!"
LaShawn, Kahlil and Pee Wee,
Want R-E-S-P-E-C-T Never slipping, or sliding,
No macking or slacking BeBe's kids, Straight jacking.
Security Guard #1: We've got an assault on characters in Section Five.
Voice Dispatcher: Order received. Pee Wee: Shorty The O. G.,
With all the clout,
Lip smacking for what's under the blouse Three years old and still drinking Similac,
You smack me, and I'll smack you back, punk. So now it's time for me,
To straight jack y'all.
And get busy like Arsenio Hall. Taking a dump can be so relaxing,
Mmmm, straight jacking. Rodney Rodent: Hi, boys and girls, I'm Rodney Rodent.
Tommy Toad: And I'm Tommy Toad. How are you doing today? Kahlil, LaShawn, & Pee-Wee: It goes three for the treble
And two for the bass
We're BeBe's kids
And we're wrecking this place
LaShawn: Now all bad kids
Seem to always get spanked
Kahlil: But try that with us
And you might get ganked
Pee-Wee: Release the balloons,
And act real funny. Kahlil, LaShawn, & Pee-Wee: As we ride rides,
And Robin spends money. Kahlil: To my posse won't be no attacking
Hey, yo! LaShawn: We ain't wild. Kahlil, LaShawn, & Pee-Wee: We're straight jacking
LaShawn: Yo, they trying to get away.
Pee-Wee: Rush them. Rodney, come on. Let's get out of here. You're on your own, Rodney. Let go. Rodney! Rodney!
Tommy Toad: Oh, not the feet. I've only got two of them.
Kahlil: These'll work. We can use these to go swimming. Security Guard #3: Look, there they are. Leon: 5-0. Run. Kahlil: Fun World! Security Guard #2: Come back here, you little scum-buckets. I'm gonna get you.
Jamika: Oh, Robin. It looks like there's some trouble.
Robin: Trouble? Girl, you from Compton. That ain't no kind of trouble.
Jamika: Well maybe, we should find the kids and make sure they're safe.
Robin: Them kids are all right, girl. I feel sorry for trouble if it runs into them kids. LaShawn: Hide!
Leon: Hey, y'all, wait for me.
Opie (Winthrop): Look out! Behind you! Richie: Run. Robin: Look at them. Look at them. Where's them cops now? Put that down. Thank God they white.
Security Guard #2: Grab 'em! Grab 'em! Security Guard #1: There they are.
Opie (Winthrop): Come on, I think they're still behind us. This way, Richie. Get in.
Bumper Cars Announcer: Please, walk to your cars and secure your seat belts immediately.
Security Guard #2: Hey there, runts! Ever hear of the Alamo? Security Guard #3: Get your muskets ready, Davy Crockett.
Richie: How long could we keep this up?
Opie (Winthrop): Until BeBe's kids show up again, and they'll know what to do.
Security Guard #3: We've got 'em now! Opie (Winthrop): Look out! Richie: There's one over there!
Opie (Winthrop): Look out behind you! Security Guard #3: Oh, my aching old back. Security Guard #2: My glasses.
Robin: He's going down the court, just going...
Jamika: (chuckling) Boy, you're so crazy.
Robin: I ain't lying. Would you try to stop them?
Jamika: I'm going to the ladies' room. I'll be right back.
Robin: Don't get lost, my little chitlin snaps.
Vivian: Girl, you been walking slow all day. What's your problem?
Dorothea: My man Robin came over last night. Jamika: (gasps) Vivian: You mean Robin Harris? Dorothea: Ain't but one. I got bags under my eyes big enough to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Vivian: Girl, how come y'all didn't stay married?
Dorothea: Oh, he's good to me, but he's so mean to the kids. Vivian: Is he cheap? Dorothea: Is he? He turned Muslim last December so he wouldn't have to give Christmas presents. Vivian: That's a damn shame. Dorothea: And he's so quick to hit somebody. Then, he don't wanna pay the dental bill.
Vivian: I don't know what to say. You shouldn't be with that man.
Dorothea: I know, I shouldn't. But, girl, I can't help it, because I love him.
Vivian: You love him?
Dorothea: Mmm-hmm. Vivian: Girl, I don't believe what you just did. Dorothea: Did we psyche her out or what? Vivian: Did you see her face? Dorothea: I know! Girl, I ain't seen nobody that mad since I saw Robin in divorce court.
Hey, sweet thing. Where you been? Where I been is talking to some of your friends. - My friends? - And where were you last night? You act like you know. What's wrong? Don't act like something's wrong with me. You the one with the problem. Now, how much time we got until we meet the kids? Well, we got just enough time... - Oh, my God... - Robikins. Get away. Get away from here. Leave. Please leave. Guess what? We got just enough time to go check out Futureville. I bet you it ain't got no black people in it. - You acting like that didn't happen? - What? Oh, I'm sorry, honey, I thought you was in a downwind. I had a couple of burritos, and you know...
Robin, don't try to change the subject. I knew she wasn't going to leave me alone. So I try to figure out what's worse, telling a pretty lie or the ugly truth. - Beauty's only skin deep.
- Yeah, but ugly is to the bone. Amen, brother. I hate it when a woman says: Just tell me the truth.
I won't get upset. Because she's lying. She don't wanna hear the truth. If you tell her the truth she's gonna get mad. I told her: That's my landlady. The old snaggletoothed heifer. Spending all my rent money on that cotton candy when she knows she needs to be fixing my refrigerator. Wait, wait. Jamika, come on, now. Jamika! Hey. Yo, you always trying to leave the little O.G. Hey, man, yo. Come back here with my brother. Humans are not allowed here. Give him back, and we'll leave. Give my little brother back. You better not be rolling nowhere with my brother. He attacked one of our models. He will be punished. He must not know who he's messing with. Hey, tin man, haven't you heard of BeBe's... Run, Pee Wee, he's got the scent of your diaper. What's going on here? Shoo. Move along. Get. - Hey, you there. - What do you want?
You're in America, son. That's not the way we do things around here. - Every man has a right to a fair trial. - Word. So how about it? Give a brother a fair shot. If my robotic brethren agree, a trial will commence. Hear ye, hear ye. The robots versus Kahlil Wooten. The charge is assault. The prosecution may present their case. You know, it's been a long time since I've been in a courtroom as a lawyer, but the evidence of this heinous crime is so irrefutable. Exhibit one, please. Now this is videotape from one of the security cameras in the Fun World exhibit. Oh, man, cold busted. I told you that stupid bad attitude would get you in trouble, Kahlil. Do me a favor man, Leon, before they fry me, drop dead. Any of you who knows the importance of law and order will vote guilty. For the defense, Abraham Lincoln. Don't slip up, Abe. Pass the mashed potatoes, dear, will you? Is this a pork gravy, dear? Or is this? Here it comes. I'm just waiting for her to ask me. Robin, who was that, really? You mean the one over there with the orange perm... ...and the spandex. That's Dorothea. That's my ex-wife. Lips so big, ChapStick had to make a spray.
I know I should have told you, but I'm embarrassed by that girl. I guess that's why you only see her at night, huh? Night? I'm trying not to see her for the rest of my life! That's not what I heard. Sprung a leak, cuz? What you mean, "heard"? Did she talk to you or something? Well, we gonna settle this now. Right now! Each of you must ask yourself: Are we petty, vengeful humans or logical, moral machines? Then pass judgment. Your Honor, the defense rests. What say you all? Death. Death. Death. Wait a minute. Listen up. Oh, no, don't help me, Leon. All they were gonna do before was kill me. Ladies and gentlemen of the court You're about to witness A brand-new sport Where you're on the offense And I'm on the defense So let's see if we can Make some sense Kahlil is a rebel without a pause He's a victim of your unjust laws Fun World is no real fun for him It seems so whack, so bland, so grim Freedom is a concept Designed for every race Follow it and Kahlil Might own this place He'd change the name And change the feel lmagine "Def World" With your host Kahlil Where Carter sells peanuts And Nixon fresh lemonade And even old Abe
Will sport a hightop fade Remember every great leader Broke the rules Made up by fools
Give Kahlil the tools he needs Freedom Freedom Freedom
Freedom Who are y'all to tell me I ain't civilized Don't give us laws Give us the right to live our lives At least I go out And get what's coming Because BeBe's kids Ain't known for running So come on down Even if you're abused You robots are all right Until you blow a fuse Y'all say I'm wild But I'm only a child What BeBe's kids really need is Freedom Freedom Freedom Freedom! Now it's time to rest my case And get the verdict face to face Wave your hands so we can see them Wave your hands Like you don't need them If you believe Kahlil is right Somebody say freedom Dorothea: Oh, girl, you got to try on this blush. Vivian: I got enough makeup. Now, you stop it, now. I look good. Dorothea: Yeah, but you got to put these big red circles on your cheeks. Make them look like targets.
Vivian: I don't wanna look like Shirley Temple. Ain't you done yet? Let's go.
Dorothea: In a minute.
Robin: Ain't nobody looking at you. Come on.
Jamika: That's them. I can tell by them Lee Press-On toenails.
Robin: Uh-huh, look who's with her: Old Vivian. Them ol' skippys with the broke-down back. Give me a break!
Dorothea: I see some women can't do anything without a man.
Robin: Why you lie on me? Don't you know this kind of game only brings me and Jamika closer and guarantees that you and I never get together again. Never!
Dorothea: Well, for me to lie on you, I'd have to care about you and believe me, I don't give a damn about neither one of y'all.
Robin: Ain't that a... That's why I wear my ring on the wrong finger, because I married the wrong woman! Hair look like the back of a toaster.
Dorothea: Your mama.
Robin: My mama?
Dorothea: Yeah, your whole family.
Robin: Ain't that a.- Look at you. Your mama so old, she was there the first day of slavery.
Dorothea: Your mama so old, she's older than your grandmama.
Robin: Your mama so fat, she on both sides of the family.
Dorothea: That's okay. Your mama's so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Robin: Ain't that a... Your mama so dumb, they told her it was chilly outside, she went and got a bowl.
Vivian: (giggles) Robin: You ready to go, baby? Come on, let's get out of here.
Jamika: I think it's time to flush and leave.
Dorothea: You can have him. I don't have a problem getting a man.
Jamika: Well, girlfriend, here's some lotion for your ashy ankles. That'll make it even easier. Dorothea: Your mama so country, she got in an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.
Vivian: You know what that was all about, right? He still loves you.
Jamika: Robin, I'm so sorry.
Robin: Oh, Jamika, it doesn't really matter, because I'm with you, and this day turned out to be, you know, kind of special to me.
Jamika: Me too. I'm sorry I put you on trial like that.
Robin: Oh, Jamika, you so crazy.
Opie (Winthrop): Run! Come on, the cops are still after us. We better get out of here. Let's go. Let's go!
Security Guard #1: Now I've got them. Surrender now and face moderate casualties.
Security Guard #3: It's the end of the line for you kids!
LaShawn: Hey, come on, this way. Move. Excuse me. Get out of the way.
Kahlil: Move, man.
Security Guard #3: Come on, come on. Let's go, people. Out of our way.
Security Guard #1: I got... Oh, no!
LaShawn: Looks like you missed the boat, huh? I'll be the captain.
Sailor: Oh, no! It's BeBe's kids!
LaShawn: Ahoy, mates. I spot a big ol' boat to our starboard side that's ready to get vicked.
Kahlil: Gimme that. Let me see. They're still after us. What say you, crew? Are you down to take them off?
Kids: Aye, aye!
Kahlil: Bust it, then.
Titanic Captain: As you enjoy the last cruise on the Titanic stop by the snack bar for flavor-icious iceberg pops for you and your family. We also have delicious popcorn...
Jamika: Robin, you are somethin' else.
Jamika: You so crazy. Boy, I'm scared of you. Look at you.
Jamika & Robin: What was that?!
Robin: I know it's them kids! I know it's them kids! If I could just touch one of them, I would- Hey!
Woman #1: (offscreen) Is this part of the ride?!
Jamika: Robin? Robin?
Titanic Captain: Oh, my God! The boat! The boat! Women and children...
Opie: Now what, captain?
LaShawn: Ram them!
Kid #1: All right!
Man #1: Come on, we gotta get out of here!
Man #2: Abandon ship!
Woman #2: Help!
Titanic Captain: We're experiencing difficulties, but the snack bar's still open, where they've got that finger... They're gonna ram us!
Kids & Pee Wee: We BeBe's kids. We don't die, we multiply.
Man #3: Somebody, help me!
Woman #3: I'm right behind you.
Man #4: Hey, wait for me.
Pee Wee: (chortles)
Leon: Fun World.
Jamika: Robin, wait.
Robin: Oh, no. I had enough of them kids! I can't be around no bad people, Jamika! You know I'm on parole.
Jamika: You ain't on parole. Now, come on. Let's go get the kids.
Robin: I ain't stuttin' those kids, Jamika. If you were smart, you'd come right along with me.
Security Guard #1: I'll call for backup!
Security Guard #3: Boat 73 going in.
LaShawn: Did you buy your kid a Nintendo game this Christmas?
Dad: Did I buy my kid a Nintendo? Give me a break, OK, kid?
LaShawn: I don't think so.
Dad: Look, we were going to, OK? We were gonna- We were going to.
LaShawn: What say you, crew? Should I?
Kids: Shark food!
Jamika: Don't try to leave them, Robin! That's why they shot their daddy!
Robin: Come on. Get out of the way. Get out of the way. Get out of the way! Gotta go. Gotta go. It's my car. Where's my keys? Ain't that a... Look out.
Pee Wee: It ain't time to go. Are you trying to leave us?
Kids: Fun World! Fun World! Fun World! Fun World! Fun World! Jamika: Quiet down!
Leon: Hey, Ma, guess what we did? We jumped out of a boat, and then we cut Tommy Toad's feet off. Then, we took over a pirate ship, and then we saw another ship... Kahlil: Quit talking. Pee Wee: Fun World. Home, blacky. Robin: Ain't that a... You messed up now! That's it! Hey! Hey! Kids: Fun World! Fun World!
Jamika: LaShawn. Girl, have you gone crazy? Pee Wee: (chuckles)
Robin: What's that funky smell?
Jamika: Pee Wee, did you go again?
Robin: What's corn doing on the floor? I ain't never been glad to see cops before, but I was sure happy then. Happier than a runaway slave, papers and all. Help. Help! Help! I'm telling ya, these kids are dangerous. Boy got a knife bigger than Rambo's. One kid got a Colt longer than Shaft's.
Kahlil, LaShawn, & Pee Wee: Boo!
Motorcycle Cop: Oh, no! Those are BeBe's kids!
Robin: (enraged) I have had it! I am pissed off to the highest level of pissivity! Now, I'm taking these kids home now! Not now, but right now!
Jamika: But, BeBe isn't home yet.
Robin: No, she's home. I know she's home. And she's home getting her boots smoked, just like you could be. But, no. You want to sit here and watch these badass kids. Now, if she didn't want to watch them, she shouldn't have had them. Jamika: She didn't have them by herself, Robin. Robin: What'd you say "Robin" for? I ain't their daddy! Jamika: At least, you recognize that they do have one. I don't see nobody shaking their heads, pointing fingers at him.
Robin: Now, what you wanna go and point the finger at Old Slewfoot for, huh? I thought the devil was through when he made Rosemary's babies, but, no. Oh, no! Now, we got BeBe's kids. (yawns) Jamika: Now, kids, what do you say to Mr. Harris for the lovely trip? Kids: Thank you very much.
Leon: Ow, ow! Pee Wee: They didn't wanna go with four black kids in the first place. Kahlil: So where we going next week, Mr. Harris?
Robin: Next week? Oh, I'll take you somewhere next week. I'll take you to a snake pit. Now, go on! Your mother's waiting for you.
Kahlil: Yo, wait up.
Man #5: Hey, get back here! Get back here with my stuff! Pee Wee: Hey, it better not be nothing from my crib. Jamika: I better walk them in. Robin: No, let ME walk them in, because I want to give BeBe a piece of my mind! I could see why they spent so much time at Jamika's house. It looked like they live next to a crack house. Try to phone hell from there, it'd be a local call. Oh, hey. (screams)
Robin: The place looked like MOVE headquarters.
Kahlil: Mama, are you home? Mom, are you there?
Robin: What is this, another unpaid bill? "Jamika, please give the kids dinner. I'll be home soon. BeBe." That girl crazy. Y'all ain't got nothing in here to eat? Well, here. Here's $10. Call the pizza man.
Pee Wee: He don't come around here no more. You leavin'? Robin: Well... ...I'm sure your mother will be home soon. Just keep the door locked, all right? I sure had a good time. Take care of yourselves. Bye-bye, y'all.
Kahlil, LaShawn, & Pee Wee: Bye, Mr. Harris.
Jamika: Now, do you understand? Robin: I understand that BeBe needs a good realtor.
Jamika: Those kids don't stand a chance in that neighborhood.
Robin: No, I don't think that neighborhood stands a chance against BeBe's kids.
Jamika: Now, I know they have a-a behavior problem, but they're still kids.
Robin: Jamika, I was a kid too. And I lived like that too. But, I wasn't as bad as those kids. Nowhere near as bad as those kids. If I got in trouble, my mother would beat me until my daddy get home. Then he'd put on that blues record, the one that skipped. Whup you when I wanna, When I wanna, When I wanna- Jamika: See, Robin, you making my case. These kids need...
Robin: Need what? A social worker? I already got a job, and it pays better benefits than that one.
Jamika: (sighs disappointedly)
Robin: Oh, you gonna be like that, huh? That was it.
Bartender: That was it?
Robin: Not another word.
Bartender: You dropped her off?
Robin: She got out the car, didn't say nothing.
Bartendr: Well, what did you say?
Robin: Say? I wasn't gonna play myself, if she was gonna play high post.
Bartender: Oh, man. -
Robin: Oh, man, nothing.
Lush: Say, man, you did the right thing leaving them kids. They were nothing but trouble. Listen, you don't need to look out for nobody but yourself. That's why I am where I am today.
Robin: What am I doing? I gotta go get those kids. I can't just leave them there. Jamika?
Jamika: I think I judged...
Robin: Well, wait. Hold up. We both been under a lot of stress and said some things we didn't really mean. Well, I... Well... Hey, now. - Your mama kind of like him, huh? - Yeah, and I kind of like him too. It looks like cooties is catching. Come here. I'll show you.
Go ahead, beat him like he owe you money. I like LaShawn, boy. Robin, the kids really do appreciate what you've done for them today. Well, you know. They just have their own way of showing it. Hey, what's this? Hey, Slim, we saved you a slice. So where we going next, Mr. Harris? How about Las Vegas? Vegas? We ain't going to no Vegas. You're barely getting a ride to the end of the block, so just sit back, buckle up, be happy, and check Pee Wee's drawers. I don't know how Jamika talked me into coming. - We got 14 cents between all of us. - Robin, it's gonna be OK. This ain't a... You know them kids don't know how to act. - The circus can't train them kids. - Look at those sweet little faces. I ain't having it. I'm like Marvin Gaye. I want to know what's going on. - Oh, no, it's BeBe's kids! - Ain't that a... - Robin. - What did you all do now? I ain't never been here, huh, LaShawn?
Pee Wee: Oh, yeah, let me up out of here, baby. Vegas at last. Now, this is my kind of town. Pour one for the poor one. Six-eight, running mates. Box cars, don't stretch me out, now. Las Vegas in effect, baby.
Jamika: Pee Wee!
Robin: Uh, Pee Wee, what you doing? What-What's that in your hand? Pee Wee. Pee Wee, put that down. Pee Wee! Pee Wee! NOOOOOO! Test-tube baby.