Transcript[]
(Flickering pages of superhero comics give away to reveal the film versions of each character interspersed with screenplay text. Frozen in poses, Iron Man, The Hulk, Black Panther, Ant-Man, Black Widow, Star-Lord, and Thor appear. Captain America, then throws his shield. Deadpool gets up as he’s dogging the shield, and scenes play out on inner surfaces of a word cut from a metallic block. More characters appear like Captain Marvel, Doctor Strange, and Mighty Thor. Deadpool hums along with the theme. The logo turns into the same texture as Deadpool’s suit. As the theme ends so does he, Deadpool laughs. The logo fades to black.)
(Deadpool narrates.)
Deadpool: That logo music, (We fade in on a snowy place.) just gets you pumped! All right? I’m sorry, I’m just excited to be here. It’s been a while. (In a new brighter red suit, Deadpool walks into view.) You know, for a long time, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be back. Disney bought Fox, there was a whole boring rights issues…, blahbiddie-blahbiddie blah. But then, (Marvel Studios Presents.) it turned out they wanted me! The one guy who shouldn’t even have his own movie, (A Kevin Feige Production.) much less a franchise.
(Deadpool chuckles.)
Marvel’s so stupid. Look, (A Maximum Effort/21 Laps Production.) we know the title of this thing, so I know what you’re wondering. How are we going to do this without dishonoring Logan’s memory? And I’ll tell you how.
(Cuts to Logan’s grave from the 2017 Logan film.)
We’re not.
(Only You by The Platters plays in the background, Deadpool is digs up Logan’s grave. A coffee mug that reads “I Like Me” with a heart on it stand on one of the rocks.)
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Wolverine is not dead. Sure, it made a perfect ending to a very sad story, but that’s not how regenerative healing factors work. You think I want to be out here in beautiful downtown North Dakota, digging up the one and only Wolverine? No thank you. But the fate of my entire world is at stake. He may not be living his best life, but he sure as hell ain’t dead.
(The shovel hits some metal.)
Bingo. Yahtzee.
(Deadpool bangs his shovel in anger.)
DAMNIT! SON OF A BITCH!!!
(He whacks the X sign making it break off, he snaps his shovel in half and starts screaming in furious anger.)
FUCKER!!! MY WORLD IS FU-
(Cut to Deadpool calm and laughing, lying behind a tree branch.)
That was weird. I’m much calmer now. Look, I’m not a man of science, but you seem incredibly passed away.
(Cut to reveal he’s talking to Logan’s skeleton.)
Deadpool: (sighs) But, It’s good to see ya. I gotta be honest, I’ve always wanted to ride with you, Log. You and me getting into it, Deadpool… and Wolverine! Just fucking shit up! Can you imagine the fun? The chaos? The residuals?
(He puppets the skeleton’s mouth with an Australian accent.)
Deadpool: G’day mate! There’s nothing that’ll get me back to life faster, than a big bag of Marvel cash!
(Deadpool chuckles.)
Me too, Hugh.
No… no, no, no.
Ugh, you had to get all noble, and die for real, GOD DAMN IT!!!
(He throws his head down.)
Deadpool: I could really use your help, right now.
(The sound of time doors whiz open. Deadpool puts his head up in shock. Cut to the time doors opening, and TVA agents, and their minuteman leader walk out. Deadpool peeks, and he ducks down, and ducks the skeleton down too. He puts a hand up.)
Deadpool: WAIT! I’m warning you! I’m not alone!
Minuteman Leader: Wade Winston Wilson, you’re under arrest by the Time Variance Authority, too many crimes to list,
(Deadpool plucks off a bone off the skeleton, and sniffs it.)
come out! and we’ll extend your courtesy,
(Deadpool groans.)
of taking you in one piece.
Deadpool: Death by day player.
Minuteman Leader: Last chance! Throw out your weapons, and come out peacefully.
Deadpool: I’m not gonna give you my weapons! And I promise not to use em.
(Deadpool looks directly at the camera.)
Deadpool: There are 206 bones in the human body, 207 if I’m watching Gossip Girl. Here we go, maximum effort.
(He makes him and the skeleton high five.)
(Deadpool swings out with Logan’s skeleton, as the TVA agents whip out their pruning sticks, Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC starts playing.)
Deadpool: Ok, peanut, I guess we’re getting that team up after all.
(He rips off a bone off the skeleton, and throws it. The bone reads A Film By Shawn Levy. The bone gets launched into a TVA Minuteman’s head with blood splatters. The Minuteman dies. More time doors open, and more Minuteman run out. Deadpool kills one Minuteman with a bone. One gets the side of his head impaled with a bone lodged in by Deadpool. He kicks it further making the bone get stuck even further. Ryan Reynolds. Deadpool swings the spine and kills head 3 Minuteman. In slow motion a 4th one gets killed. Hugh Jackman. We cut to Deadpool doing the Bye Bye Bye dance. In red letters, Emma Corrin. Back to Deadpool, who holds the camera, and kisses the dead Minuteman. The body drops dead, Deadpool inhales into the camera. Morena Baccarin. The credit is in lowercase letters. He draws a heart with a word in it. (IDiOTs) He turns around. Deadpool whacks a Minuteman with the legs of the skeleton, and then prunes the Minuteman. Rob Delaney. The credit fades in after the Minuteman got pruned. He stabs a Minuteman. Leslie Uggams. The credit gets engulfed with blood. Back to Deadpool dancing. Aaron Stanford. Doing a backflip Deadpool grabs a falling bone that said And Matthew Macfadyen. He throws it at another Minuteman. Casting By Sarah Halley Finn, CSA. Deadpool bats a Minuteman with the skeleton flinging him up into the air for a bit. Music Supervisor Dave Jordon. As the Minuteman lands hard onto the ground. Deadpool bashes the Skeleton’s body in the Minuteman’s crotch. Later he’s beating another Minuteman with the skeleton’s head. Music By Rob Simonsen.)
Deadpool: Maradona from outside the box! GOAAAAAAAAAAL!
(The skeleton’s head gets kicked into camera, the jaw opens, Visual Effects Producer Lisa Marra. Deadpool keeps dancing. He beats up another Minuteman who screams in pain as Deadpool stabs the Minuteman in the crotch. Visual Effects Supervisor Swen Gilberg. Costume Designers Graham Churchyard Mayes C. Rubeo. Based on the Marvel Comics. Deadpool plucks off another bone and throws 3 of em. Edited By Dean Zimmerman, ACE Shane Reid. 3 more Minuteman get stabbed, one by one. Production Designer Raymond Chan. Director Of Photography George Richmond, BSC. Co-Producer Mitch Bell. Executive Producers George Dewy Simon Kinberg Johnathon Komack Martin. Executive Producers Rhett Reese Paul Wernick. Deadpool decapitates a Minuteman. Executive Producers Wendy Jacobson Mary McLaglen Josh McLaglen. As the head flies up to the camera, the head hits the credits making the letters break up and split apart. Deadpool jabs 4 bones in a Minuteman’s body. He kicks the Minuteman down dead with a hard landing. Executive Producer Louis D’Esposito.)
Deadpool: COME ON, BIG FELLER!
(Deadpool rips off the leg bone and the leg bone kills a Minuteman. Deadpool springs back up. He swings the leg bone like a nunchuck and whacks a Minuteman. Produced By Ryan Reynolds, PGA Shawn Levy, PGA. 4 more Minuteman get whacked with the leg bone a 5th one gets whacked. Produced By Kevin Feige, PGA Lauren Shuler Donner. He whacks one more Minuteman. Deadpool finishes dancing. Written By Ryan Reynolds & Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick & Zeb Wells & Shawn Levy. The lead Minuteman and the other Minuteman share a confused look. Deadpool strapped Wolverine’s claws on his hands. Directed by Shawn Levy. The song ends as Deadpool SNIKTS the claws, he gasps in shock.)
(Deadpool looks directly at the camera.)
Deadpool: I am soaking wet, right now.
(When Deadpool growls like Wolverine, in big red and yellow letters, the title appears. Deadpool & Wolverine. The scene freezes and rotates in on Deadpool.)
(Deadpool narrates again.)
Deadpool: To be clear, I’m not proud of any of this. The want violence. The whiff of necrofillia, it isn’t who I am, it isn’t who I wanna be. Who I wanna be? Well, to help you understand that, I gotta take you back, a little joyride I took through (We end on Deadpool’s butt.) space and time. To the day that changed everything.
(Deadpool cranks on Cable’s time traveling watch. In a Timelapse, a quick recap of Deadpool 2’s post credit scene plays. Peter W. does the X-Force salute, Deadpool shoots Weapon XI, Wolverine looks curiously at Deadpool, The script of Green Lantern gets splattered, and Ryan Reynolds collapses with a bullet hole in his head, Deadpool stands behind him with his gun pointed, and killing Sergei Valishnikov. A shocked Vanessa looks at Wade, who cranks Cable’s time watch.)
(Cut to a calendar labeled MAR 14 2018.)
Wade Wilson: I can’t believe I’m finally here. I wanted for this moment for so long.
(Wade is at an office, a caption: Earth-616. The Sacred Timeline.)
Thank you sir, for seeing me. I firmly believe… that my service could be of… great use to your organization. Now I know… I was caught smashturbating in the lobby of Stark Tower…
(The camera cuts to HAPPY HOGAN!?)
But I can assure you that-
Happy Hogan: Smashturbating? I’m sorry, what, what was that?
Wade Wilson: No, I’m sorry. That’s when you get those toy…
(Wade makes fists with his hands.)
Hulk hands, right? And then you just, you look down, and you just… you brace yourself and you ravage the midsection.
(Wade mimics maturbating. Happy cringes in disgust.)
Pinch the-
Happy Hogan: Yeah. Okay, I get it. Okay, thank you.
Wade Wilson: The picture’s painted, you get the gist.
Happy Hogan: What exactly brings you here today?
Wade Wilson: Why am I- Wow. Okay. I care.
I know, I turn everything into a joke, but I... I care, and I, I wanna use that feeling... for something important. I, I wanna matter. I need to show my girl that I matter. And... you know, I feel like I'm wasting the good stuff here. Is the man not gonna be joining us?
Happy Hogan: The man?
Wade Wilson: Yeah, I should save this if he’s gonna…
Happy Hogan: As, as far as you’re concerned right now, I’m the man.
Wade Wilson: No.
Happy Hogan: The man is me. I am the man in this circumstance. He doesn’t do this kind of thing anymore.
Wade Wilson: Cameos?
Happy Hogan: Meetings. Entry-level meetings.
Wade Wilson: Entry-level? Aren’t you the chauffeur… maybe?
Happy Hogan: Common misconception. Okay. I begin my career as Mr. Stark’s driver. Okay. Quickly pivoted to…
Wade Wilson: Chauffeur…
Happy Hogan: The Head of Security.
Wade Wilson: The Head of… Of course, yes, yes, yes.
Happy Hogan: And, why I am vetting your resumé. You seem to have left out whether or not you had… any experience as a member of a team.
Wade Wilson: Could you maybe add a little bit of perspective there? No, yes, of course. I was Special Forces… Okay, but I was… Mainly, I was team leader… founder, really, of X-Force. Sadly, they, they, all perished in action though.
Happy Hogan: How exactly did that happen?
Wade Wilson: Well, the police say gravity, but if… Just between us… they didn’t test well in the focus group.
Happy Hogan: I see.
Wade Wilson: Particularly Cable.
Happy Hogan: X-Force.
(Happy signs a paper.)
Wade Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I can see this isn’t going well. Please stop writing. Look, I, I… I’m just… I wanna be an Avenger.
(Happy gives him a puzzled look.)
Wade Wilson: I wanna be an Avenger.
Happy Hogan: Why do you wanna be an Avenger?
Wade Wilson: Look around you. I mean, they’re the, they’re the best of the best. And, and what they do matters. I need to be an Avenger.
Sir, my girl has kinda had it with my shtick, and I, if I don’t. You know… turn things around and do something with my gifts… I don’t think it’s gonna really work out for me… and I wouldn’t blame her.
Happy Hogan: Avengers are a very unique
(The camera cuts to the “Proof that Tony Stark has a heart” Arc Reactor from the first Iron Man in a case.)
group of superheroes… that stand for something…
(Then, the prototype shield for Captain America from Iron Man 2.)
more than just fighting and wearing costumes.
(And the photo of Tony Stark with Peter Parker from Avengers: Endgame, but Peter is blocked by his toy Iron Man helmet from Iron Man 2.)
I mean, people look up to us. Kids
(Cuts back to Happy.)
look up to us. They-
Wade Wilson: I’m sorry. “Us?” I wasn’t aware that you were an Avenger.
Happy Hogan: Avengers-adjacent, technically-
Wade Wilson: Oh, wow. What’s your superpower? Is it parallel parking? I’m so sorry. That was cruel. I lash out when I’m nervous. Won’t happen again. Let’s just cut to the chase. Please.
Happy Hogan: You just said minutes ago… that you wanted to be an Avenger because you need it.
Wade Wilson: Yes, sir, I do.
Happy Hogan: But the Avengers don’t do the job because they need it. They do the job because people need them. Do you see the distinction?
Wade Wilson: Yes, sir. Please, Mr. Hogan. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life like an annoying one-trick pony.
Happy Hogan: All right.
(Happy gets up.)
Wade Wilson: Oh, my god, you’re standing.
Happy Hogan; Yeah, now’s the time we stand.
Wade Wilson: Damn it.
(Wade stands.)
Happy Hogan: Now, the problem might be that you’re… reaching a little, little too high. Aim for the middle, and you’ll never miss. Right? I think you got a good heart. I believe what you’re saying. But not everybody’s the world-saving type. I’m not, and I’m happy. Right? I found my place. Find your place. All right? Get back just out there. Mm-hmm.
(Wade leaves.)
We’ll keep an eye on you. Good luck.
Wade Wilson: Okay.
(He runs back and gives Happy a big hug.)
Fetch the car. I wanna hit Shake Shack. Rejection makes me hungry.
Happy Hogan: Really? No?-No, no. Please, yeah, no, no, no. Okay, thank you oh. Oh, Okay.
(Wade goes.)
(Deadpool narrates.)
Deadpool: You know what they say, “When one door closes”,
(And he closes the door. Cut to black.)
“your locker at work opens.”
(A caption: Earth-10005. Then Six Years Later. A staple gun lies down in Wade’s locker. He grabs it. Later, Wade staples a toupee to his head, and whips on his badge. Wearing his toupee, Wade walks into view, and addresses us.)
Wade Wilson: Now let’s go sell some certified pre-owned vehicles, motherfu-
(Cuts to Wade in a car, where he’s sitting in the middle with two boys on each side of him, a mother in the front seat, and her husband, behind the wheel.)
Technically, the, the Carnival’s not a minivan. It’s an MPV.
Mrs. Chipman: So, how does the Kia compare to… the Honda Odyssey?
Wade Wilson: The Odyssey? That’s a great question. It doesn’t fucking suck.
(The boy on the left cracks a smile.)
Mrs. Chipman: You know, you can answer the question without swearing.
Wade Wilson: I’m sorry, Tammy. I don’t. I don’t have kids. Not that I dreamt of that… but I don’t have a lot of vaginal sex.
(The boys cringe.)
(Cut to a car dealership place, the sign reads drivemax.)
Peter W.: You’ll get ‘em next time pal.
(In a locker room, Wade puts on a shoe, while Peter talks.)
Peter W.: And look, you can always go back to superhero-ing. I mean, I know I’d like to see you back in the suit. I don’t keep it in my locker,
(Peter gets up.)
so that I can wear it.
(He opens his locker, revealing the original darker red Deadpool suit.)
Peter W.: I keep it in my locker in case we need to saddle up again.
(Wade gets up.)
Wade Wilson: Hey, hey, hey. What? What is that doing in there? I’m done. I’m done. And I’m fine with being done. Look, is the sales the best match? Probably not. Is this the life that I always imagined for myself? Fuck no.
(Peter sighs.)
But this is the right fit for me, Sugar Bear. it is.
Peter W.: Okay, Mr. Wilson.
(Cuts to outside, where it’s night. Pedestrians walk on the sidewalk, and cars drive on the road. Wade and Peter ride bicycles.)
Peter W.: I’m just saying, once a month, we could go on a little mission. We’re human beings. We crave for purpose. After all, we’re Deadpool.
Wade Wilson: Please stop saying that. We’re not Deadpool. I’m not even Deadpool anymore.
(The two best friends get off their bikes.)
Peter W.: Well, if you’re gonna age a midlife crisis, go big. A few years ago, a friend of mine got his nipples pierced with a titanium chain, that goes down and attaches to his Van Johnson.
(Cut to a group of construction men, who take pictures of Wade, mysteriously…)
(Wade stares at the construction people.)
Peter W.: Are, are you feeling grumplestiltskin ‘cause it’s your birthday?
Wade Wilson: What? No. No.
(Cuts to a dark apartment room. As Wade and Peter walk in the lights turn on surprising Wade.)
Everyone: SURPRISE!
(Montell Jordon’s This is How We Do It plays in the background.)
Wade Wilson: Hey, you guys are lucky I’m not armed. Get in here. This is for six years ago, you’d all be dead.
(Cuts to Wade with Dopinder and Shatterstar.)
Dopinder: So then, he gets out of the cab, and you would not believe it.
I turn around, and what do I find?
Wade Wilson: His AirPods.
Dopinder: His AirPods!
Wade Wilson: Come on. Crazy story. Every time. Come on.
Dopinder: Every single time.
(Cuts to Wade sighing as he sits with Blind Al.)
Blind Al: Make any sales today?
Wade Wilson: You know I didn’t.
Did you sell any dream catchers on Etsyor whatever it is that you do?
Blind Al: Our rent’s due in three days, Wade. I can’t keep carrying you.
Wade Wilson: Relax. I have the money.
I sold some old blood pressure medication I found lying around.
Blind Al: You tryin’ to kill me, motherfucker?
Wade Wilson: I’m not the one dousing everything in salt, motherfucker.
Blind Al: I pray everyday that… fire find your boy… and finishes the job… God didn’t have the nuts to do.
Wade Wilson: That’s hurtful. If you can hear the look on my face, you’d smell how sad I am.
(Cut to Wade with Colossus.)
Wade Wilson: You watched anything good?
Colossus: Great British Bake Off.
Wade Wilson: Oh, goddamn. The show stood between me and suicide for ten years.
(Cut to Wade with Buck.)
Those are my feelings on abortion, religious freedom… animal rights, privacy rights, vaccines… free-market capitalism, global climate change.
(Buck starts to speak, but Wade stops him.)
Yeah, duh-duh-duh. No, no speaking lines, Buck.
(Cuts to Wade walking and stopping in front of Negasomic Teenage Warhead and Yukio.)
Wade Wilson: Hi, Yukio.
Yukio: Hi, Wade.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Nice fake o’clock shadow.
Wade Wilson: It’s a summer balayage. From the French.
It’s meant to mimic the natural highlights of the sun.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: It’s a toupee.
Wade Wilson: It’s a hair system.
Yukio: I love your hair system, Wade.
Wade Wilson: Thank you.
(Cuts back to Wade with Blind Al.)
Blind Al: Wanna do some cocaine?
Wade Wilson: HEY! Cocaine is the one thing that Feige said is off limits.
Blind Al: What about Bolivian marching powder?
Wade Wilson: They know all the slang terms. They have a list.
Blind Al: Even snowboarding?
Wade Wilson: Even disco dust.
Blind Al: White Girl, Interrupted?
Wade Wilson: Even Forrest Bump.
Blind Al: Booger sugar?
Wade Wilson: I wouldn’t even try powdered gonuts.
Blind Al: You wanna build a snowman?
Wade Wilson: YES! But I can’t.
(Cuts to Peter revealing HE’s the one who got his nipples pierced with a titanium chain… you know.)
Peter W.: Pull here.
Yukio: Here?
Peter W.: Yeah.
(She pulls on the chain. Peter whips back.)
Yukio: What happened?
Peter W.: That’s the fun part.
(Cuts to Wade with his Ex, Vanessa, with Merilee Rush & The Turnabouts’ cover of Angel of the Morning playing in the background.)
Wade Wilson: Thanks for coming.
Vanessa Carlyle: Yeah.
Wade Wilson: How’s work?
Vanessa Carlyle: Oh, I got a promotion.
Wade Wilson: No Way.
Vanessa Carlyle: Yeah. It’s mind-numbing middle management, but I’m happy.
Wade Wilson: That’s great. You seeing anyone?
Vanessa Carlyle: How about you Yeah. A guy from work. Dermot.
Wade Wilson: Dermot.
Vanessa Carlyle: He’s kind.
Wade Wilson: Good.
Vanessa Carlyle: Likes to go hiking. Hasn’t gotten me shot yet.
Wade Wilson: Well, it’s early days.
(The has been couple chug their drinks.)
Vanessa Carlyle: What about you? You seeing anyone?
Wade Wilson: No, no, I live in a one bedroom apartment. I share a bed with Blind Al.
Vanessa Carlyle: Okay. Alright right.
Wade Wilson: Alright.
(Later, Shatterstar blows a noisemaker while, Yukio happily jumps up and down while applauding, as Wade’s friends all sing Happy Birthday to him.)
Dopinder: Speech! Speech!
Wade Wilson: Yes! All right. Okay, okay, okay.
Birthdays. Boy, every spin around the moon is a new adventure indeed.
Blind Al: Sun, dumbass.
Wade Wilson: Okay, round-earther.
Where was I?
Colossus: The adventure of life.
Wade Wilson: Right. It’s been a challenging few years.
Haven’t seen you guys in a while. Been through, a lot, change of life.
Buck: Menopause?
Wade Wilson: Bitch, are you improving?
Buck: Mm-mm, sorry.
Wade Wilson: I’m sorry you had to see that, Yukio.
Yukio: It’s ok.
Wade Wilson: But I’m happy. You know, and that’s, that’s because of each and every one of you.
(Wade whips out a picture and he looks directly at the picture that shows him with all his friends.)
I guess, what I’m trying to say is… how proud I am, how grateful I am… to be standing in a room… with every single person I love.
I’m the luckiest man alive.
Vanessa Carlyle: Make a wish, buddy.
Wade Wilson: 10-4, good buddy. Going down.
(Wade lowers himself to blow out his candle. A knock at the door is heard. Wade goes to answer the door. The TVA Minuteman from earlier are standing in the doorway.)
Minuteman Leader: Wade Wilson?
Wade Wilson: Oh, yeah. Dancers. Dopinder must have ordered you.
Are those supposed to be cop costumes? Never mind.
Take your clothes off but leave the helmets. And this isn’t Pretty Woman.
We’re kissing. All right?
What song do you guys normally dance to?
(The Minutemen whip out their pruning sticks.)
Wade Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(He close the door.)
Wade Wilson: Is that supposed to be scary? Pegging isn’t new for me friendo. But it is for Disney.
(Wade winks at the camera.)
(The pruning sticks turn on.)
Wade Wilson: Ah, ta, ta, ta! Okay, I’ve never been a natural bottom, so we’re gonna take things real slow.
And I want some crazy high eye contact.
Not you.
(Wade points to a Minuteman, behind the leader.)
You.
Can’t see your eyes through the mask, but I can feel them.
We’re gonna move down the hallway… so we can spare a clean up on aisle asshole. How does everyone feel about this plan?
Minuteman Leader: I don’t like you.
Wade Wilson: Yes. Let’s hold on to that attitude. And we’re gonna do it angry.
(From behind him, a time door whizzes open, a Minuteman grabs Wade, the leader rips off the toupee and throws it down. The other Minuteman follow their leader into the time door. Later, in a dark green room, Wade wakes up to find him sitting on a chair and on the other side of the table a man with a British accent, and a suit addresses Wade.)
Paradox: Mr. Wilson…
You appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious.
Wade Wilson: I wasn’t unconscious. Who are you?
Paradox: I got by the name of Paradox. Mr Paradox.
And you’re sitting here at the TVA. The Time Variance Authority.
We’re really a watchdog organization…
Except we’re more lighthearted than that sounds with a sort of…
Throwback, ironic twist.
And we’re in charge of defending what’s known as the Sacred Timeline.
Wade Wilson: Holy fuck. That is a shit-ton of exposition for a threequel. Is this because I used Cable’s Time Machine?!
Brought a couple of people back to life, then I destroyed it.
That was a long time ago.
Paradox: Yes, we’re aware of your abuse of your timeline. And you were so abusive of it.
No, it had nothing to do with that.
(Paradox snaps his finger.)
Walk with me.
(Cuts to the lobby of the TVA, Paradox and Wade walk out of an elevator and to a bunch of TV monitors.)
I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell you that you’re special.
In fact, you’ve been chosen for a higher purpose… a purpose unclear even to me.
But one that could… save the entire Sacred Timeline… from a possibly grisly fate sometime in the future… which might be… avenged.
Wade Wilson: This Sacred Timeline… I assume I’m going to marvel… at how… cinematic it feels? Gratuitous cameos… indiscriminate use of Variants, the whole package?
Paradox: Well, you tell me.
(Paradox presents to Wade, many scenes of Captain America on the monitors.)
Wade Wilson: Cap!
(As Captain America salutes on the monitor, Wade salutes back.)
Paradox: You are no longer lost, Wade. You can be a hero among heroes.
We’ve been surveilling you for quite a while.
(Another monitor shows Wade walking.)
Wade Wilson: Subway station.
Paradox: A TVA outpost, yes.
(Wade points.)
Wade Wilson: And what is that?
Paradox: Hmm?
(On one monitor, Thor is holding Deadpool with a ripped open mask. It’s footage from Thor: The Dark World.)
Wade Wilson: Is that me? Is that Thor?
(Thor wails on the monitor.)
IS HE CRYING!?
Paradox: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
(Paradox alerts the lady working at a table.)
That happens in the distant future.
(Wade leans over to the lady.)
Wade Wilson: Why is Thor crying? Quick! Tell me.
Paradox: Do not speak to her.
(Wade whips back to Paradox.)
Stop that. Eyes on me. I brought you here to offer you an opportunity.
The opportunity you sought years ago, but for which you were not ready.
We believe you’re ready now.
Ready for a chance to leave your timeline… and join the greatest universe of all.
I am about to give you the thing you’ve always wanted.
Wade Wilson: Oh, I smell what you’re steppin’ in.
The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever.
I am the Messiah…
I am…
Marvel Jesus.
Can you excuse me for just a moment? I’m just gonna go over here.
(Wade scurries away and grabs the camera.)
Suck it, Fox!
(He grabs the book mic and speaks into it.)
I’m goin’ to Disneyland!
(Wade headbutts the camera, thus shattering it.)
Get fucked!
(Wade lets go the camera, and skips back to Paradox.)
Wade Wilson: Where do I sign?
Paradox: Oh, there’s no need for paperwork.
Wade Wilson: Good. Not to brag, but I do read.
Paradox: Oh.
Wade Wilson: There is one thing I will need, though.
(Cut to Wade opening a wardrobe.)
Wade Wilson: Oh, fuck off! Adorn me, Beardo.
(In a long series of shots, the tailor puts on Deadpool’s new suit, he spanks Deadpool’s butt, Deadpool puts guns into some holsters, the tailor places some of Deadpool’s katanas on the sword holder. Deadpool puts on the belt buckle, the tailor spanks Deadpool a couple more times, then grabs his butt with a squeak sound effect. Glamorous by Fergie and Ludicrous plays in the background as the orange door opens to reveal Deadpool standing backwards, he turns around.)
Deadpool: Fuckin’ A! UH!
It’s perfect! FYI… your tailor is a predator, but I love it. Snug.
No camel toe. New car smell and adamantium katanas?
(Cut to a guy with the “I Like Me” coffee cup.)
You shouldn’t have.
Go ahead. Take it in. And yes, your underwear is getting tighter.
(Deadpool points to the man.)
That guy knows what I’m talking about.
His clothes say middle management… but his eyes say fuck-y fuck-y.
Paradox: Yes. You look very nice.
Deadpool: “Nice?” Your buddy here is ready to throw it all away for me.
(The man grabs his phone.)
You callin’ your wife?
Ralph: HR.
Deadpool: Does your wife work in HR?
Paradox: I’m glad you’re taking this so well.
Deadpool: Oh, I’m taking it well.
I have never had a problem traveling for work. That said… we should talk vacation days.
I’m more of a one-week-on-one-week-off kind of guy. I think it’s what they do in Denmark.
You know, you’ll never see a Danish flag on the moon, but… goddamn it, they’re happy.
Now, let’s power up your little Amazon Fire phone there… and zip me back home so I can let my friends know that they’ve been upgraded… to disciples.
Paradox: Yeah, I don’t think you… quite understand. You will not be returning to your home because there will be no home to return to.
Deadpool: Come again? This time in my ears.
(Paradox clicks his TemPad, which shows the Branched Timeline.)
Paradox: This is your universe, Mr. Wilson. That… is what happens when a universe loses their Anchor Being.
See how it decays from the inside? This is how a reality dies.
Deadpool: What’s an Anchor Being?
Paradox: An Anchor Being is an entity of such vital importance that when they die… their whole world slowly withers out of existence.
Deadpool: You just won a lottery, because I didn’t die. It was just a little midlife crisis. I’m better now.
Paradox: Oh, no, no, no.
(Paradox breaks into a laugh. Deadpool joins in.)
Paradox: Oh, my God.
Deadpool: Oh, I love to laugh.
Paradox: Can you imagine if you were the Anchor Being?
Deadpool: Yeah.
Paradox: No, it isn’t you, Mr. Wilson. Your Anchor Being died in an act of self-sacrifice so epic… that it sent shivers down the Timeline.
I am referring, of course, to…
(He clicks on his TemPad again.)
Logan, The Wolverine.
(Footage from Logan plays. Paradox slowly wheels his chair to face the monitors. Logan’s weary face stares.)
Logan: Don’t be what they made you.
(Deadpool, the lady, the guy with coffee cup , and another worker watch.)
(X-23 cries.)
So this is what it feels like.
(Paradox mouths along to Logan’s dialogue.)
Deadpool: Logan.
(Paradox nods.)
Of course. Logan.
(Shocked and enraged, Deadpool yells.)
LOGAN!? THE GUY WITH FORKS FOR HANDS?! THAT WOLVERINE!?
(Paradox turns off the scene, and flips back to the Branched Timeline.)
Yeah, I got it. You can turn off your retro graphics of death off now. Make it stop.
Paradox: We’re not doing it, Mr. Wilson. We certainly can’t stop it.
Deadpool: How long have we got?
Paradox: In most cases, couple thousand years.
Deadpool: Well, sweet-
Paradox: Well, most cases aren’t fast enough. Not for me.
Deadpool: What does that mean?
Paradox: It means that I have been tasked… with overseeing the end of your universe. And regardless of what the pencil pushers upstairs would prefer…
I will not… waste my life watching it die slowly of natural causes. We used to prune these things. Simple. Elegant. Efficient. But I’m told the TVA… doesn’t like to do that anymore. Well I do. And no matter what my so-called superiors say, the multiverse… does not need a babysitter.
We need a mercy killer. And in this instance… I am the mercy killer! HA!
(Paradox clicks his TemPad again this time showing a big device.)
Deadpool: What in the MacGuffin is that?
Paradox: That’s a Time Ripper, Mr. Wilson. An accelerant.
Once completed, it will allow me to destroy the space time matrix of your universe. You see, I don’t work for the TVA. I want to be the TVA. And the first step involves showing this organization… how much efficient it can become. To wit, I will be giving your universe a swift and compassionate end.
And don’t worry, your friends won’t feel a thing. It’ll be over just like this. “Oh, what’s that?” Trust me.
(Deadpool unmasks himself. The Minuteman block his path to the elevator.)
Deadpool: You’re gonna Old Yeller my fucking universe?
Paradox: Mm… in your parlance, yes. Two in the heart, one in the head.
Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices. You either rejoin your loved ones and collectively cease to exist in… I’d say seventy-two hours. Or… you join the Sacred Timeline. And you end your days of in significance… and mediocrity.
Wade. Wade, you can finally, matter.
(The monitors shows the Battle of New York from The Avengers.)
Deadpool: That’s all I’ve ever really wanted.
Paradox: I know. I know.
Deadpool: And you know I’m, I’m nothing if morally flexible.
(Paradox snickers.)
Yep, yep.
(Deadpool puts his mask back on.)
I’ll do it
Paradox: Wise choose. The Sacred Timeline’s happy to have you.
Deadpool: I was actually talking about finding the Wolverine… and breaking your fucking nose.
(Deadpool slaps the TemPad out of Paradox’s hand and headbutts Paradox. Deadpool jumps. In slow motion, he grabs the TemPad stares at the man with the coffee cup. Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls plays in the background. The man nearly gets squished by Deadpool’s ass until he uses a time door to whiz himself out. The man looks around for his coffee cup.)
Paradox: Find him. Find him!
(Deadpool narrates, as we fast forward through the opening scene of the movie.)
Deadpool: And boy, did he ever. Which brings us back to this.
(We drift back to a frozen Deadpool using Wolverine’s claws.)
The desecration of the sacred corpse.
(The scene finally unfreezes, as Deadpool stabs a Minuteman through the head. He kills another Minuteman through the head, and gets his hand stuck in his arm.)
OH! My own fucking arm!
(Deadpool slashes a Minuteman through the crotch but he lifts the Minuteman in the air and onto the ground making the claw go from his crotch to his ass instead.)
Now we’re talkin’!
Not like this!
Minuteman: No, dear God! No!
(Deadpool slashes the claws through another Minuteman’s crotch making both of em get jammed.)
Deadpool: Sorry, Wolverine-ing is hard!
Minuteman: Make it stop!
Deadpool: Mangold tried!
(Deadpool tries to pull free, but he accidentally pulls both of the Minuteman back and forth. The Minuteman Leader points his pruning stick at Deadpool.)
Minuteman Leader: You sick fuck! Logan was a hero! and he only thing worth the shit to ever come out of Canada.
(Deadpool kicks the Minuteman’s ass making him free and the claws trapped in the first Minuteman, and pulls himself free from the other Minuteman making the claws trapped in the second Minuteman. Deadpool takes out his katana and throws it onto the snow making it bounce onto the Minuteman Leader’s face.)
Deadpool: Get my country’s name out of your fucking mouth. And my sword, gimme that.
(Deadpool pulls the katana out of the Minuteman Leader’s face. He wipes the katana with his shoulder. The dead body drops. Deadpool looks at the TemPad.)
Oh, I gotta find me another Logan. An alive one. Don’t get up, guys. I’ll see myself out.
(Deadpool opens a time door and leaves North Dakota.)
(The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News plays as, we cut to a bar where an axe gets thrown at a target. The time door opens as Deadpool walks, he catches a thrown axe, that belongs to a man. Deadpool goes to the bar table.)
Deadpool: Logan!
(Logan turns his head to Deadpool.)
I’m gonna need you to come with me.
Logan: Who’s asking?
(Logan jumps down his stool, revealing he’s only 5’3 tall. A comic accurate height.)
Deadpool: Oh, look at this little Hairy Lou Retton. Did you stick the landing, little guy? Yes, you did, comic accurate short king!
Such a cute wittle Wolvie.
(Short Logan slowly walks to Deadpool.)
Cue the fuckin’ montage baby.
(Cuts to a more apocalyptic world. Where Deadpool walks into after the time door.)
Ahoy! Everything seems to be on fire.
(Another Wolverine variant, with wild hair, black leather jacket, and missing his right hand, stands.)
You have a dragon?
You have Anchor Being written all over-
(The Wolverine variant attacks Deadpool with his missing hand, as Deadpool hits a wall, and The amputated Wolverine pounces on Deadpool. Later, Deadpool uses the time door, he walks into a casino, wherein Wolverine is at a gambling table. He wears a white suit with an eyepatch.)
Patch!
(Deadpool walks out of another time door into a parking garage, he sees a Wolverine turned back, who’s working on his motor cycle and smoking a cigarette.)
Oh, now we’re talking. Oh yeah. That’s a whole goddamn package right there.
(In another universe, Deadpool walks away from a time door, again to find a farmer house.)
Howdy!
I’m just audition- I’m auditioning Anchor Beings.
(Wearing a cowboy hat, and sitting on a rocking chair, an old Logan looks directly at Deadpool.)
Oh. Yeah, that’s gonna need some coconut oil.
(Old man Logan shoots Deadpool with a gun hidden underneath his blanket.)
(Yet another time door opens, only for Deadpool to drop into a raining universe full of red skulls. Crows caw in the distance. A giant yellow X stands like a cross with a crucified Wolverine.)
What in the fuck? Are you okay?!
(Cut to a Wolverine variant wearing a more comic accurate suit, in the woods.)
Oh, yes, yes. Classic John Byrne brown and tan. Now you fought the Hulk in this outfit. No?
(John Byrne Wolverine snikts his claw revealing a roaring Hulk in em, mirroring the old cover of Incredible Hulk Vol 1 340 from 1962.)
(Deadpool looks behind him at the Hulk. He speaks rapidly fast.)
I’m Marvel Jesus, you dull creature, and I will not-
(John Byrne Hulk whacks Deadpool onto a fallen tree branch.)
(Back at the casino, Patch snikts his claw at Deadpool without even looking, the woman next to him flinches in utter horror. Deadpool drops dead. Back in the apocalyptic universe, the amputated Wolverine continues attacking Deadpool, with a hand with his one claw. Back in the crucified Wolverine’s universe, Wolverine shivers in the cold rain)
It’s not you. We’re just going in a different direction.
(Deadpool opens the time door, and leaves the crucified Wolverine’s universe. Back at the casino, Deadpool opens his time door and falls into it, back in the John Byrne universe, Deadpool slips off the fallen tree, and goes into another time door.)
(Back in the unseen Wolverine’s universe, who’s working on his motor cycle.)
(The Wolverine variant slowly turns his body revealing himself to be…)
You know, from behind, you look a little bit like Henry-
(HENRY CAVILL!!!???)
OH MY FUCK!
The Cavillrine. The legends are true. And may I say, sir, on behalf of all humanity… this just feels right!
We will treat you so much better than those shit-fucks down the street.
Cavillrine: You were just leavin’.
(Cavillrine does the reloading fist movement, from Mission: Impossible – Fallout.)
Deadpool: No, sir. Not while my fate of my universe is at-
(Cavillrine does the Superman punch on Deadpool, with his claw. Deadpool goes flying. He opens another time door.)
(Cut to another bar, where Deadpool rolls off a pool table, accidentally bumping into a man, who tries to attack him, but Deadpool holds him by the throat.)
(I’m a Ramblin’ Man by Waylon Jennings plays in the background. At the bar table, Logan drunkenly sits.)
This one looks promising.
Down you go.
(He lets the angry man go.)
(Logan sets down a shot glass. He taps for another drink)
Logan: Again.
(The bartender puts down a whiskey bottle.)
Bartender: I told you. You’re not welcome here. You’re not welcome anywhere. Now, get the fuck out of my bar.
Logan: Just give me one more drink, and then I’ll leave.
(Deadpool slides into view.)
Bartender: That’s not how it works.
Deadpool: It does now. Leave the bottle.
(Drunken Logan looks wearily and shitfaced at Deadpool.)
Logan: I know you, bub?
Deadpool: Nope. But I know you.
Logan: Everybody knows me.
I’m the Wolverine.
Deadpool: Yes, you are.
And I’m going to need you to come with me, right now.
Logan: Look, lady, I’m not interested.
Deadpool: Really gettin’ into your cups here.
Logan: Why would I go with you?
(He pokes Deadpool in the forehead.)
Deadpool: Because, unfortunately, I need you, and even more unfortunately, my entire world, needs you.
Bartender: You too gonna fuck or fight?!
(If this is It by Huey Lewis and the News plays in the background.)
Deadpool: You gonna take that from him?
Logan: Yep.
(Deadpool scoffs.)
Deadpool: I can tell you have a sort of don’t-get-too-close-I’ll-only-break-your-heart vibe going here, but every other Wolverine would’ve really hurt me. And I’m sort of on the tick-tick. So upsy-daisy. Here we go.
(Deadpool slowly grabs Logan off his stool.)
Logan: Whoa, Whoa. Hey, hey!
Deadpool: Up you go. I got you, big guy.
(Logan’s claws come out slowly, but get stuck.)
Whiskey dick of the claws. It’s quite common in Wolverines over 40.
Logan: You don’t want this.
Deadpool: You’re right, I don’t.
(Deadpool draws his gun, which the muzzle reads “Smile Wait for the Flash”.)
And you don’t want this.
Unless you wanna take a deep breath through your fuckin’ forehead, I suggest you reconsider.
Let’s go peanut.
(Logan pushes his head to the gun, and cracks a smile. He makes a wheezing laughs.)
Logan: Hold on, hold on, hold on.
(He grabs the whiskey bottle.)
Watch this.
All right. That-
(Logan grabs for the muzzle of the gun.)
Whoa! Easy.
(Logan chugs down the whiskey bottle.)
Deadpool: Good god. Thirsty little honey badger, aren’t you. It’s okay. Keep goin’. Audiences are accustomed to long runtimes.
(As Logan is done drinking, he passes out.)
(Deadpool sighs.)
Guess you’ll have to do.
(He prepares to grab Logan.)
Ok, here we-
(Deadpool stops to notice something.)
Oooh! Look at those Jammies.
(Deadpool looks to the camera.)
That only took 20 fucking years!
(Cut back to the TVA where a time door opens up.)
Deadpool: One Anchor Being coming right up!
(Paradox has a band-aid and two tissues on his bleeding nostrils.)
(Deadpool carries Wolverine through the time door, which Wolverine is- OMG, HE’S WEARING THE YELLOW AND BLUE SUIT FROM THE COMICS!)
On your left, baby girl.
This Logan has the same he-can-do-anything-even-musicals look.
(Deadpool drops drunken Wolverine.)
And bonus, he’s actually wearing a
(Paradox takes off the tissues and throws them away.)
costume like he’s not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once.
Paradox: I don’t understand.
Deadpool: You said my universe is dying, because this sack of nuts got himself killed.
Well, problem solved.
Paradox: My god, You actually think you can replace an Anchor Being?! With this?!
I wouldn’t have accepted any other Wolverine, BT dubs, but you have out done yourself, and brought me the WORST Wolverine!
Deadpool: What do you mean the worst one?
Paradox: Mr. Wilson, this Wolverine let down his entire world.
(Wolverine has a depressed look on his face.)
He’s the stuff of legend, but not in a good way. And what he did, well, some things are just beyond forgiveness.
Deadpool: Okay, how do I- how do I make this right? I’m- I can- I’ll do anything.
Paradox: I gave you, a chance at greatness, because my superiors deemed you, “special” clearly not special in a good way, but, apparently you have some important future purpose to serve.
Deadpool: With Thor, he holds me.
Paradox: But, I did my duty. I gave the opportunity to be somebody, and instead of accepting my offering with humility and gratitude, you broke my nose.
(Deadpool groans.)
Deadpool: It looks great.
Paradox: And, you decimated dozens of my men with the exhumed corpse of a hero. Dishonoring not only his remains, but his memory.
Deadpool: What are you? The internet?
Paradox: Your world, is dying!
(One of workers offers Paradox a sandwich, which Paradox takes.)
Thank you, very much. And there’s no stopping it.
(Paradox eats his sandwich. He speaks with his mouth full.)
The humane thing to do, is to make it quick.
(He snaps his finger again.)
Deadpool: I the thought of vaporizing my universe making you peckish?
Paradox: I’m eating my feelings.
Deadpool: I’m about to lose everything that I ever cared about,
(Wolverine gets up.)
because that hairy thunderc--- from down underc--- FINALLY dies, and he’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?
(Deadpool turns to Wolverine.)
Welcome to the MCU, by the way. You’re joining at a bit of a low point.
(He turns back to Paradox.)
As for you, I wanna talk to your boss.
I want you to get him on the phone, and you tell him, her, or them, that Marvel H. Christ isn’t playing!
(Everyone looks around.)
Holy shit.
I just heard a symphony of buttholes clenching all at once. You’re off grid. Your bosses don’t know what you sick fucks are doing down here.
(Deadpool whips out the TemPad.)
Well, I’ll tell you what. I have a black belt in Karen…
And I’m gonna go upstairs, and I’m gonna tell ‘em all about you and your-
(Paradox prunes Deadpool, the TemPad drops.)
Paradox: Oh, silence is nice, isn’t it?
Wolverine: Where the fuck did he go?
Paradox: To the trash heap, you’ll fit right in.
(Wolverine charges at Paradox, whom he prunes Wolverine too.)
Paradox: That was close.
(Paradox laughs.)
(Cut to the Void. A blurry Wolverine slowly walks into view. Deadpool lies down next to a 2015 Secret Wars comic with Doctor Doom on the cover. Wolverine’s shadow looms over Deadpool’s. He tilts his head up making his shadow tower over Wolverine’s.)
Deadpool: Don’t just stand there, you ape. Give me a hand up.
(Wolverine snikts his claws.)
Nope. I’m actually okay. Thank you very mu-
(Wolverine stabs Deadpool. He lifts up Deadpool.)
Wolverine: Where the hell are we!?
Deadpool: I don’t know! Looks kinda Mad Max-y.
But that would be IP infringement, right?
Wolverine: Fucking jokes.
(Wolverine stabs Deadpool in the crotch. He screams in utter pain. Wolverine drops him to the ground.)
(Thor’s winged helmet lies down in the sandy desert part of the Void, along with an old Captain America shield.)
Deadpool: FUCK! Fuck.
(Deadpool gets up.)
Were you even listening back there? If we don’t get back to that Mr. Paradox asshole, everyone I know is gonna die.
Wolverine: Not my fuckin’problem.
Deadpool: Is that all you got? Is that what you said your world went to shit!?
(An angry as usual Wolverine looks back at Deadpool.)
Wolverine: Come again?
Deadpool: Yeah, I hear all about you. How you screwed up everything. You should be thanking me for pulling out of that bed you shit in.
(Wolverine stabs Deadpool from behind. Deadpool groans in pain.)
Oh, you backstabbing son of a bitch!
(As Wolverine holds Deadpool up, he instead flips Wolverine over, grabs his guns and shoots Wolverine.)
Are you ready to be calm now?
(Wolverine headbutts Deadpool he throws Deadpool through a concrete structure. Deadpool lands behind a buried 20th Century Fox logo.)
Rest in pieces, Fox.
(Deadpool gets up, Hells Bells by AC/DC starts playing as Wolverine walks to where Deadpool is. A shit ton of bullets fall to the ground.)
I don’t want to fight you, Peanut.
Doesn’t matter what you did. I just need your help.
(Wolverine opens his mouth, revealing a smoking bullet in his teeth.)
Wolverine: I don’t fuckin’ care.
(He spits out the bullet.)
Deadpool: Uh… Uh-Oh.
(Wolverine gets himself ready. He slowly snikts his claws.)
Fuck. This is gonna hurt.
(Deadpool looks directly at a stone plank that resembles a film strip. It has some magazines on em.)
Alright. Fuck it. Let’s give the people what they came for.
Wolverine: Let’s fuckin’ go.
(Deadpool turns to the camera.)
Deadpool: Get your special sock out, nerds. It’s gonna get good.
(Deadpool whips his old magazines out of his guns. He steps onto the plank which launches the magazines. In slow motion, the magazines fall into each gun. As Deadpool cocks his guns, he shoots them at Wolverine, who winces in pain. Wolverine charges on all fours. Wolverine slashes the guns barrels off. Deadpool tosses them aside, and whips one of his katana. But when Wolverine strikes Deadpool, the other katana gets loose, in slow motion Deadpool catches his katana. They both first with their bladed weapons. Deadpool stabs Wolverine in the ribs, then he slashes Wolverine in the ass. Deadpool nearly gets him in the head, but Wolverine wards him off. He whips his claws around Deadpool, who quickly dodges them rapidly, like Peter vs Flash in Spider-Man (2002). Deadpool summersaults. As the fight continues, Deadpool stabs Wolverine through his suit. He laughs mockingly.)
Eww.
(He stabs Wolverine a second time.)
Gotcha!
(Deadpool gets slashed by Wolverine’s claws, Deadpool does a cartwheel kick, and then a roadhouse kick. He whips out a normal looking knife.)
Baby Knife!
(Deadpool stabs Wolverine through the right shoulder. Wolverine headbutts Deadpool who drops to the ground for a second. Deadpool gets up only to be chokehold by Wolverine.)
Wolverine: Let see you grow your FUCKIN’ head back!
(Wolverine prepares to cut off Deadpool’s head.)
Deadpool: Wait! wait! wait! I can fix it! I can fix it.
Wolverine: Fix what?
Deadpool: Whatever it is that you did. Whatever made you so bad. Those… Those pricks in the TVA. You heard him. They have the power to end my universe, but they also have the power to change yours.
We get back there, and we can fix your world. Together. I promise. They can fix it.
Man: HEY!
(A cloaked figure stands on a tower. Deadpool and Wolverine look at the figure.)
You fight each other, we lose.
Deadpool: Dear God, it’s him.
Wolverine: Who?
Deadpool: The one.
The superhero equivalent to comfort food,
(The two walk.)
or Molly. White guys’ answer to all the disappointments. And another A-lister.
Fair warning, gorgeous. You’re going to encounter some indelicate language, as smidge of ass play, but we’ve been PROHIBITED from using cocaine. On camera.
(The figure points.)
Man: They’re coming.
Deadpool: Who’s “they”?
(Many old vehicles from past Marvel productions seen are driven such as the FantastiCar from the Fantastic Four duology, the cupcake truck from Moon Knight, Red Skull’s car from Captain America: The First Avenger, updated with an Iron Man hood ornament, and a new vehicle that has two sphere shaped jail cells. The figure jumps and does a three point landing.)
Now that’s a superhero landing.
(The figure gets up, walks, and takes off his hood revealing himself as- OH MY GOD, CHRIS EVANS!!!)
Chris Evans: I got this.
(The vehicles drive to the Fox Marvel characters. Wolverine looks around, as he notices a glaring figure, who is Tyler Mane’s Sabertooth on the Mag Truck. Toad rides in the FantastiCar. All the vehicles circle the trio of Fox Marvel characters. As all the vehicles stop, every villain look at the heroes.)
Chris Evans: Stay close.
Deadpool: Aye-Aye Cap’n. You got this.
(Deadpool puts his hands on Chris. A bearded man takes off his goggles, it’s Aaron Stanford as Pyro.)
Pyro: Cassandra is gonna be giddy when she sees what we got. You can’t run. Everybody knows that.
Chris Evans: You see anyone runnin’, dick for brains!?
(Deadpool questioningly looks at the actor.)
You’re not gonna love what happens next.
Deadpool: Oh. Oh, my god.
(Deadpool happily jumps up and down in excitement.)
Oh, my god, he’s gonna say it.
(He wiggles the katana lodged in Wolverine’s stomach.)
Wolverine: Ahh, fuck!
Deadpool: HAH, OH MY GOD, HE’S GONNA SAY IT!!
Wolverine: Say what?
Deadpool: Avengers Assem-
Johnny Storm: FLAME ON!!!
(Chris Evans explodes into fire and shoots up, IT’S THE HUMAN TORCH FROM THE FANTASTIC FOUR DUOLOGY!!! The Mutants look up at Human Torch, who conjures a ball of fire. He shoots a flame at Pyro, but he drains Human Torch’s power. A bored Deadpool looks directly at us, and then looks back at the flame fight between Human Torch and Pyro. As Human Torch struggles, Pyro finishes draining Torch’s power. Johnny Storm plummets with a distant scream, until he lands painfully on his crotch on the tower.)
Johnny Storm: OHHHH, Fuck!
(He ends up crashing head first on the tower, and then gets knocked out as he hits the ground.)
Wolverine: We don’t know that guy.
Deadpool: We thought we did.
(Sabertooth points.)
Sabertooth: I know you.
(The duo look directly at Sabertooth.)
Deadpool: Holy sh-
(Sabertooth jumps off.)
Deadpool: Sabertooth. Your brother.
Sabertooth: READY TO DIE!?
(Sabertooth snikts his fingernails, while Wolverine snikts his claws.)
Deadpool: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! TIME!
(Deadpool makes a time out gesture to the camera.)
You look ridiculous.
(Deadpool pulls out his first katana out of Wolverine’s stomach.)
People have waited decades for this fight.
(He pulls the other katana out of Wolverine’s body.)
It’s not gonna be easy.
(He pulls out the little knife off of Wolverine’s shoulder.)
Baby knife.
Show the double, you take him down. Side control, then full mount, and you ground and pound till he makes no sound because he’s dead.
Wolverine: Shut the fuck up!
Deadpool: Oh, my god!
Okay. Good luck. I’m a judge fan.
(The variants both look at each other and then roar at each other. Both men charge, Wolverine slashes Sabertooth, both of em stop. Sabertooth’s mouth hangs frozen open.)
Deadpool: What is it, girl? Is there trouble at the well?
(Sabertooth turns but his head barely moves, his head falls onto the ground, his body falls down. Deadpool laughs.)
Big trouble.
(He picks up the head.)
BEHOLD! The head of your precious queen, FURIOSA! I have the Wolverine! I alone control her!
You come for me, you come for her.
(Deadpool points.)
So sorry. I know it’s pronounced “him.”
I’m gender blind.
It’s my cross to bear.
Wolverine: WHO’S NEXT?!
Pyro: Toad!
(Toad looks directly at Pyro.)
Pyro: You’re up.
(Toad springs his tongue at a leaver and pulls it. A robotic arm turns on and a satellite dish thing, pulls Deadpool and Wolverine on it, it’s a magnet. More things ricochet to the magnet. An old Sentinel leg launches to the duo.)
Deadpool: Uh oh.
Wolverine: Fuck.
Deadpool Holy shi-
(The leg hits the camera. Cut to black.)