Transcript for Early Man.
Script[]
DUG: Nearly there, Hognob.
Nearly there.
Just a bit farther.
Try a little bit harder.
We can do it.
Just a little bit more, Hognob.
(GRUNTING)
I can reach it.
Got it.
(SCREAMING) Still got it.
(LAUGHING) Hognob, enough!
Oi, enough now!
(MAMMOTH TRUMPETING)
Mammoths! Come on, Hognob.
Let's go wake Bobnar.
Hey, Chief.
Chief!
What? What? What?
(GROANING)
DUG: Are you awake, Chief?
- DUG: Chief?
Time to go hunting.
Bit early, isn't it, Dug?
But, Chief, we're early man.
(YAWNS)
Come on, everyone.
Time to get up.
(ALL GASP)
Morning, everyone.
ALL: Morning, Chief.
- Bit nippy this morning.
- (CROCODILE BITES)
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oops. Sorry. (CHUCKLES)
Wait, Chief. Chief...
Chief.
So I've been thinking.
You know we always hunt rabbits?
Yeah. Very tasty they are, too.
Yes, but couldn't we try hunting something, well, you know, bigger?
What, like a hare?
No, like a buffalo or a mammoth.
(GASPS)
(CHUCKLES) You want us to hunt a five-ton, bone-crushing mammoth?
Yeah. Why not?
I really believe we could do it, Chief.
Dug, look at our ancestors.
You don't see them hunting big things, do you?
They hunted little round beasts.
Of some sort.
Yeah, what are those things anyway?
Don't know.
I suppose they couldn't draw rabbits back then.
Wait. Sorry, no, Chief.
Chief, about the mammoth thing...
Look, I'll tell you what, I'll definitely bear it in mind.
All right?
Come on, Dug.
Right, gather round.
Grab a spear.
Oh! It's pointy!
- Oh, Treebor. Just get over there.
- Aw, Mum!
- Morning, Barry.
- Morning, Dug.
Mr. Rock coming hunting today?
Oh, yeah, wouldn't miss it for the world.
Morning, Asbo.
Change your underpants today?
Yeah! Changed them with Thongo, Chief.
Champion!
Mmm.
- Chief.
- Yes, Gravelle?
When I put my arm up, it hurts.
Well, don't do it, then.
Grubup, don't eat that.
That's Eemak.
(CHUCKLES) Yum!
Exactly. Uh... Right.
Heads down, everyone.
Thank you, Dug.
Shh!
(CLEARS THROAT)
We give thanks for our valley, our home,
this precious ground, which sustains us and gives us shelter from the Badlands.
May we live in peace, balance, and harmony with our forest and all the creatures we share it with.
Right, let's go kill something.
A rabbit!
That's it. That's it.
- I've got him.
DUG: To you, Eemak.
Ouch.
Nice try, though.
Let's use an element of surprise.
- Righto, Chief.
Ow!
I got him!
No, I haven't!
(GROANS) Great! Champion!
Got you!
Whoa!
I got this, Gravelle.
Ha-hey!
Well done, Mr. Rock!
(ALL WHOOP)
Nice job, everyone.
- Rabbit surprise tonight!
See, Dug?
We hunt rabbits, everyone's happy.
(WHOOPING)
Although the thing about rabbits, Chief, well, they are quite small.
Dug, Dug. Look at us...
You seriously think we could catch a mammoth?
Nice moves, Mr. Rock.
CHIEF BOBNAR: Us lot?
You've been practicing.
Shush, everyone.
The rabbits are fighting back!
I don't think this is rabbits.
Attack!
- Run!
Mr. Rock!
No!
(SOBBING) No!
To the Badlands!
What, leave the valley?
CHIEF BOBNAR: Come on. Just run.
Hognob!
CHIEF BOBNAR: Where's Dug?
Have you seen Dug?
- Go on.
- BARRY: Thank you, Chief.
(DISTANT TRUMPETING)
CHIEF BOBNAR: Dug!
Hmm...
Excellent.
All right, secure the valley.
Start mining ore.
Or what, Lord Nooth?
Ore, you fool!
Start mining the ore.
The metal that's in the ground.
Oh, the ore! In the ground.
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
What about the primitives?
Oh, let them rot in The Badlands.
They are the low-achievers of history with their puny flints and their drafty caves.
DUG: You've picked the wrong tribe to mess with.
LORD NOOTH: (MOCKINGLY) Oh, I am so scared!
You are waving your stones about!
(YELLING)
The Age of Stone is over, Dino.
(CONTINUES YELLING)
Long live the Age of Bronze!
(DUG GROANS)
(GASPS)
- Oh.
LORD NOOTH: Okay, let's get moving.
Of course, Lord Nooth.
LORD NOOTH: I'm late for my massage.
CART DRIVER: What are you doing?
Get out of the way!
Hey! Hey!
(GASPS)
TOOLMAKER: Multi-purpose pen swords!
Very handy for opening bottles, too!
Sliced bread. Wow!
That's the best thing since...
Well, ever!
- GOONA: Hey!
- DUG: Huh?
- Don't touch the bronze.
- The what?
- The bronze!
Where have you been, the Stone Age?
Oh. Uh...
What?
ORDERLY: Fifty schnookels!
Fifty schnookels!
Voluntary contribution.
Everyone has to pay!
MAN 1: It's gone up again.
- MAN 2: It's daylight robbery!
- Fifty schnookels!
Voluntary contribution!
Hey! She hasn't
voluntarily contributed.
GUARD: Hmm? Stop her!
(SCREAMS)
- Hey. Hey.
- GUARD: Oi! Stop her!
Whoa!
(SINGING)
Hmm?
(CHUCKLES) Hello. Oh!
- DUG: Sorry!
JURGEND: (LAUGHS) I tell you,
I wouldn't want to be facing me out there.
GONAD: Hey, Hgelgraber, can't you see in that thing?
The arena's this way.
You girls are gonna get slaughtered.
GONAD: Let's go!
All stand for our mighty leader, Lord Nooth!
Who challenges the champions?
We challenge the champions!
We accept the challenge!
The hour has come.
Let the sacred game commence!
ANNOUNCER: Introducing Real Bronzio and the captain, Jurgend!
Today's match official, Referee Dino!
LORD NOOTH: In the name of Queen Oofeefa, we give thanks for the beautiful game.
Oggy! Oggy! Oggy!
CROWD: Oi! Oi! Oi!
Let's play football!
Whilst I count my schnookels.
Hgelgraber!
What are you doing?
Get in the goal!
What's up with Hgelgraber?
Come on!
Pick it up! Pick it up!
To me! To me!
What? Put it down!
Put it down!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Free kick!
Hgelgraber!
Just get in the game!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(SLO-MO VOICE) Just kick it!
What are you doing, Hgelgraber?
You just scored an own goal!
HGELGRABER: He's not me!
A caveman?
- A caveman?
- CROWD: A caveman?
Playing the sacred game?
Bring him here.
(GRUNTS)
How dare you...
Oh. (GRUNTS)
How dare you set foot on our hallowed ground?
You took our ground.
- Our home!
- (SCOFFS) Oh, that.
Listen, you Stone Age brute.
You have no home.
Your kind are finished on this Earth.
Now take him away and kill him.
Slowly.
Argh! No, I mean take him away at normal speed and kill him slowly. Idiots!
- Now get on with the game.
VIKING CAPTAIN: We challenge the champions!
Wait... Wait!
We challenge the champions!
- (ALL GASP)
- Huh?
What did you say?
- He said, "We challenge..."
- I heard what he said!
If we win, we keep our valley.
You leave my tribe in peace.
- Hmm.
You think you can beat us at football?
- (LAUGHING)
- (CROWD LAUGHING)
A match between the Bronze and the brutes?
What an idea!
Sacrilege, O Premier Leader!
Yes. Quite.
The masses would flock to see such a vulgar spectacle. Pah!
Hmm...
Oh!
Really?
For the valley, you say?
HOGNOB: Hmm?
- Dug!
- ASBO: It's Dug!
- BARRY: He's alive!
- (EXCITED CHATTER)
Uh, what's that crazy fruit
he's got?
CHIEF BOBNAR: "Football"?
- What's "football"?
- (ALL GASP)
And how's it going to get our valley back?
Well, it's this amazing game,
Chief.
And the leader of the Bronze people, he says if we play this game and beat them at it...
Ooh, nice tight shorts!
Aw, Mum!
...we can have our valley back.
- (ALL GASP)
- That's what we want.
- And if we don't beat them?
- DUG: Ah.
Well, then, he said we'll spend the rest of our miserable lives working down a mine.
No!
- What's a "mine"?
- CHIEF BOBNAR: Dug, we've never even played this game.
But that's just it.
We did. Once.
Huh?
Those cave paintings back in our valley, they're pictures of our ancestors playing football.
- Champion!
- DUG: So if they did it, surely we can do it.
(SNEEZES)
Sorry! Shimmering memories make me sneeze.
This doesn't change anything,
Dug.
It's just too risky.
Oh, come on, Chief!
We can do it, Chief!
I wanna play football!
I wanna play now!
Now!
(STAMMERS) Listen...
No, we're not... No!
(ALL GROAN)
All right, then.
Don't worry about us.
Yeah, we'll... (SNIFFLES)
We'll be okay.
We'll just die a slow and lingering death in the Badlands.
Huh?
Come on, Chief.
Just give us a chance. Please!
(SIGHS) Look, all right.
Maybe we'll give this "football" idea a try, then.
No promises, mind.
The match is to be played at the full moon.
And then we go back to the valley!
- Sweet!
CHIEF BOBNAR: Right, line up, everybody! In line!
- All yours, Dug.
- Thanks, Chief.
All right!
Are hogs supposed to play football?
- (GRUNTING)
- No. Oh...
Probably not, no.
Sorry, Hognob.
- This is a football.
- (ALL GASP)
One side tries to kick the ball into this goal.
ALL: Ooh.
And the other side tries to kick the ball in that goal.
ALL: Ahh!
Football sounds hard.
What happens if you kick the ball in the goal?
Well, if you kick the ball in the goal, then other men hug and kiss you.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
Right, who wants to try?
- I'll give it a go.
- (ALL LAUGH)
- ASBO: Nice one.
- Aw, Mum!
Good, Magma. All right, okay, good.
Right. Um...
So I'm...
I'm gonna try and get the ball, and you have to stop me, okay?
(GRUNTING)
Come on, come on!
- Ow!
- (ALL CHEERING)
- Nice one, Mum!
- MAGMA: Football's brilliant.
CHIEF BOBNAR: That can't be right.
Surely, you can't hit other players?
No, you're supposed to attack the ball.
(ALL SHOUTING)
No, no, no, no, not weapons!
Just use fist?
No! No fighting at all.
- Where's the fun in that?
- DUG: Okay, Thongo!
- Yes!
Good effort. Great.
Okay, next.
Hognob.
(SIGHS)
Go for it, Asbo.
(YELLING)
- Yay!
- (ALL CHEERING)
Yay!
Oh...
(BALL APPROACHING)
Excuse me!
Can we have our ball back, please?
Huh. Hmm.
- (MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
- (GRUNTING)
LORD NOOTH: Trust me, Dino.
This football match between the Stone Age and the Bronze World,
it's perfect!
- Oh, how I love it!
- Yes, football.
No.
Bronze!
- (CLINKING)
- LORD NOOTH: Mmm.
So cold and hard and slippery.
And this game is going to make me loads of it.
Your Premiership, what if the Queen finds out?
(SCOFFS) That old crow?
She doesn't know what goes on out here.
(CHUCKLES) Luckily.
Delivering message!
Your Footballness, it's a Message Bird.
Huh?
Ugh. Well, go on, make it...
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IMITATING QUEEN)
"Hello? Hello?
"How do you use this Message Bird thing?"
It's the Queen.
(IMITATING ADVISER) "Just speak into its ear, ma'am.
"It will mimic everything it hears."
(IMITATING QUEEN) "I don't even know if I'm holding it the... Testing! (SQUAWKS)
"Testing! (SQUAWKS)
"Nooth? Nooth?"
Perhaps she's heard about the game.
(SCOFFS) Of course she hasn't heard about the game.
"I've heard about the game.
- (GASPS) "You, arranging a football match against a bunch of savages?
"You idiot!
"Imagine if we lost."
- We won't.
- "I said, imagine it!
"Exactly!
"The mighty Bronze Age brought to its knees by a bunch of cavemen?
"Well, I'm warning you, Nooth.
"You'd better not lose."
- "Hmm?"
- (GASPS)
(SQUAWKS)
End of message.
Oh! Hmm.
Silly old bat!
How dare she talk to me like that!
MESSAGE BIRD: (SCOFFS) "Silly old bat!
"How dare she talk to me like that?"
Delivering message!
- (SQUAWKS)
- (BOTH YELPING)
Guards! Get that bird back!
What does the Queen know anyway?
The cavemen are oafs.
My players are...
Overpaid?
Champions!
Oh, yes, champions.
They spend their days thinking, sleeping, eating football.
LORD NOOTH: And I hardly think the cavemen will be doing that.
- (ALL GASP)
- Rise and shine!
Training time!
(YELPS) Ow!
- (SPIDER CHITTERING)
- DUG: No, not like that.
(GROANING)
When I said "free kick,"
I meant of the ball.
MAGMA: Sorry, Dug.
- (GRUNTS)
- DUG: Hognob, no!
DUG: Barry, where are you going?
No, don't wander off!
Football's hard.
GRAVELLE: Dug, my toe hurts!
DUG: Grubup, drop it!
I told you,
- (GRUNTS)
- it's the only one we've got.
Come on, everyone!
We should be able to do this.
No, don't... Don't sit down.
Grubup no like football.
Make Grubup hungry.
Oh. Oh, ho-ho.
Food. (CHUCKLING) Yum!
- Duck! Duck!
ALL: Huh?
- No! Duck!
TREEBOR: Look!
It's a giant man-eating mallard!
Run away!
You haven't eaten your primordial soup.
Not really hungry.
Dug, it's time to give up this football lark for their sake.
They're just not capable of it.
Don't you miss the valley,
Chief?
The valley's gone now.
And we're better off here in the Badlands than slaving down some mine.
I mean, there's the odd giant duck around, but at least we're still together.
We're still a tribe.
But our ancestors played football.
We know they did.
I still believe we can do this.
With what?
You haven't even got a ball to play with.
CHIEF BOBNAR: It's over.
No. There's still time.
Come on, Hognob.
Okay, Hognob. Hognob?
(WHISPERS) Right.
Let's go get some balls.
What strange magic is this?
Hognob. You stay.
I don't want to attract attention.
LORD NOOTH: What's all that crashing around out there?
LORD NOOTH: Is that you, Stefano?
Huh?
LORD NOOTH: Stop messing about and get in here with those firm hands of yours.
Uh...
- (WATER SPLASHING)
- LORD NOOTH: Come on, Stefano!
It's time for my massage.
GOONA: And the exciting new signing picks the ball up in the center circle.
She beats one, nutmegs another, lobs it neatly over the big fullback.
She's going all the way.
She shoots!
She scores!
Yeah!
And the crowd goes wild!
Goal!
LORD NOOTH: Ah, I need this,
Stefano.
I'm feeling stressed.
An hardworking governor like me, stuck out in this miserable wasteland?
- He deserves a few perks.
- (YELPS)
Simple pleasures like fine food, a massage, his own champion football team.
Well, come on, chop-chop,
I haven't got all day.
Oh, my tendons are like ropes.
You can go the whole hog.
HOGNOB: Hmm?
(GROANING)
You're that crazy caveman guy.
The angry pan girl.
What are you doing here, caveman?
This is the sacred turf.
No one's allowed here.
- Balls.
- Huh?
I need balls. You came all this way and broke into the stadium just to find some balls?
Wow.
You're pretty brave, caveman.
And stupid.
Actually, more stupid than brave, really.
Thanks.
I'm Goona, by the way.
Dug.
(MEN SHOUTING)
- Come on, I can help.
- (YELPS)
Ahh, ohh, eee...
(CHUCKLES) That's good!
Mmm.
(SIGHS)
I don't know what the Queen is worrying about.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, we all know what losers cavemen are.
Those Stone Age dolts couldn't beat their own grandmothers.
Brainless goons!
Gormless halfwits!
(GROANING)
Stefano! Not so ham-fisted!
In fact, enough massage.
How about some relaxing music instead?
Huh?
I envy you.
- Me?
- The chance to play on that pitch, the sacred turf, in front of thousands of fans!
Well, maybe you will one day.
You think they let girls play for Real Bronzio?
You really are crazy.
Why do you think I sneak in here?
(DOOR OPENS)
- DINO: Who is that?
- (BOTH GASP)
Scarper!
Stop! Thieves!
- This way!
DINO: (MUFFLED)
They went that way!
- GUARDS: Huh?
- DINO: No! That way!
- GOONA: Give me those, quick!
- GUARDS: Ow!
You're really good!
Thanks! (GRUNTS)
I do a lot of practice.
Oh, I've just had a great idea!
- DUG: Come on!
What on Earth's got into you tonight, Stefano?
- Stefano?
- Yes, sir?
Hognob!
Hognob, meet Goona.
Goona, Hognob.
Hi, Hognob.
Sire, are you all right?
Of course I'm not all right, you idiot!
I've just been massaged by a pig!
Wake up, everyone.
I want you all to meet someone.
This is Goona.
- (ALL GASP)
- Hi!
DUG: And she's gonna help us win the game.
- ALL: Oh.
- Why would she do that?
She gets to play on the sacred turf in front of thousands of fans.
EEMAK: Whoa.
Glad to be on board.
So what formation do you normally play?
Um... Formation?
4-4-2 or 4-3-3?
Who's your sweeper?
ALL: Um...
GOONA: Do you man-mark or play zonally?
ALL: Uh...
We just kick the ball about and chase it.
(SIGHS)
You think you can beat
Real Bronzio just by chasing a ball around?
You need to know what you're up against.
(ALL GASP)
This is Jurgend, the captain.
Best goal-scorer in the known world.
- Knows it too.
- Ha!
GOONA: Their winger,
Lightning Hammer.
Never strikes twice in the same place.
GOONA: Midfield dynamo
Qwik Wun Tu.
He can kick faster than you can think.
(YELLS)
GOONA: Fullback,
Gonad the Gaul.
No one gets past his tackle.
- Oh!
- Aw, Mum!
Make no mistake.
These are the best players bronze can buy.
They're like ginormous great big footballing giants!
Oh, there's no way we can beat such a great team.
They may be great, but what they're not is a team.
They're 11 players who each think they're the star.
That's their weakness.
And that's how you can beat them.
- ALL: Oh.
- Hmm.
Goona's right.
They may be better players than us, but we have something they don't.
- ALL: Huh?
- Moss?
DUG: No, Barry, not moss.
We've got each other.
And if we work together, then maybe we can do this.
(ALL AGREEING)
GOONA: Right. We've got a lot of hard work to do.
And we haven't even got a full team.
Oh, oh! (CHUCKLES)
CHIEF BOBNAR: What's going on?
Oh, Chief, this is Goona, and she's going to help us win the game.
I thought we're done with football.
Not now you've turned up.
You're in the team.
- (ALL CHUCKLE)
- (SIGHS)
I'm not playing.
I'm an old man.
I'm nearly 32.
Okay, that is old.
- Go in goal.
- Ow!
Right, well, that's settled, then.
Now, where's your training facilities?
Real Bronzio have the very best.
And all we've got is the Badlands.
Three, two, one.
- (ALL GRUNTING)
- This way, everyone!
Wait! What? Oh!
What are you doing?
- GOONA: That way, everyone!
- (ALL SCREAMING)
(DUCK SQUAWKING)
(SCREAMING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
Ow! Ah! Ooh!
This is a bit dangerous.
(GRUNTS)
(ALL GASP)
What are you... What the...
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Eh? Well, I'll be... (GROANS)
Okay. Pass and move.
It's very important that you pass and move.
But whatever happens, keep your formation.
GOONA: Nice one, Asbo!
That's it!
Everyone working together!
Ugh! This is all I need.
You found these in the primitives' valley?
It seems their ancestors were playing football centuries before we were.
The Queen must not find out about this, all right?
(MESSENGER BIRD SQUAWKS)
Delivering message!
Oh, no.
- "What's this
- (YELPING)
"I hear about the savages playing football centuries before we were?"
Ow! Ow! I didn't know! Ow!
"And my spies tell me they're getting better.
- Ow!
- "Training every day!"
Ow! Ow! Ow!
"You better not screw it up,
Nooth, or else,
(GASPS ANG GULPS)
"I'll tell you who'll be going down the mine.
(MUFFLED) "You will!"
(MESSENGER BIRD SQUAWKING)
This has gone far enough.
They're Stone Age brutes.
They live in caves.
They eat mud! No.
I need to shut them down.
Mess with their tiny cavemen minds.
Brilliant! How do we do that?
I don't know.
The answer isn't just going to walk in the door.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sire, we've found something else down in the new mine in the valley.
ENGINEER 2: We've made a copy for your inspection.
Oh! Ow!
That's perfect.
Mmm.
(TRIBE LAUGHING)
DUG: Hognob.
- (GRUNTS)
- Whoa! Great save, Chief!
You know, we may just stand a chance tomorrow.
A small chance, but a chance.
If our ancestors did it, so can we.
Hey, hey, not bad for 32, eh?
I never thought I'd say this, Dug, but we're pretty good.
Oi, oi, oi! That's mine.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
- (BOTH GASP)
I've got it.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(SIGHS)
Soon be home.
No!
(CREATURE ROARS)
DUG: (MUFFLED)
What are you doing?
Let me go!
LORD NOOTH: Calm down, caveman.
I just wanted you to see our new mine.
After all, you'll soon be digging lots of bronze out of it.
Oh, we're not going down any mine, mammoth-mouth.
Ah, yes.
Because you're great footballers, just like your ancestors.
You... You know about them?
Bronze is not all we found down here.
What... What...
More cave paintings?
Yes.
Only these ones tell the whole story.
You see, your ancestors did not just play football.
They invented the game.
You even taught other tribes how to play.
But you had one problem.
No matter how hard you tried, you just always ended up losing, match after match, game after game.
In fact, after many, many moons, you just gave up altogether.
It was all too painful for you.
It turns out your tribe were totally crap at football.
You're losers, caveman.
Always have been.
Always will be.
No.
No, it can't be true.
Do you really believe you can beat us tomorrow?
Face it, caveman.
You and your tribe, you just don't have it in you.
But I'm willing to offer you a deal.
A way out.
CHIEF BOBNAR: Time to turn in.
Big day tomorrow.
- MAGMA: Come on, Treebor!
- TREEBOR: Night, Goona!
ASBO: Can I sleep in me football kit?
- TREEBOR: Night, everyone!
- GOONA: Night, everyone!
Huh?
Think it over, caveman, because the mine is waiting for you and your primitive friends.
- Oh! Me arm hurts!
Oh! (SOBBING)
Where are you, Mum?
You idiot!
What have you done?
At the end of the day, we're just a rabbit-hunting tribe.
DUG: I'm sorry, Chief!
I didn't mean for this to happen.
Bobnar, you've got to believe me!
HOGNOB: Huh?
Oh, Hognob!
Oh!
My dear old hoggy friend.
What if I'm wrong?
What if Chief was right all along?
Huh?
What if we are just a tribe of rabbit-hunters?
Uh...
Forgive me, Hognob.
But I've got a deal to make.
I've got to save the tribe.
Get your cuddly caveman here!
Before they go extinct!
One hundred schnookels!
One hundred schnookels!
Voluntary contribution.
Everyone has to pay.
One hundred schnookels!
- It has doubled!
- Voluntary contribution!
- Everyone has to pay.
- This is outrageous!
Have you got change
for a dinner plate?
(LORD NOOTH LAUGHING)
It's all going to plan, Dino.
Ooh. I love you, little bronze coin.
Hello!
I love you. I love you too.
And you too.
- (CONTINUES KISSING)
- QUEEN OOFEEFA: Nooth!
What are you doing?
Ugh. Not that stupid old bird again.
Tell Chef to boil it up in a cassoulet.
(CROWD GASPS)
"Stupid old bird"?
(GASPS)
"Cassoulet"?
Oh! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Your Majesty!
- (CROWD GASPS)
- Why, this is an unexpected
(GROANS) pleasure.
Thought I'd come to this caveman game myself.
And have a little nose.
(NASALLY) A great honor,
Your Majesty.
BRYAN: And you have to say,
Brian,
Real Bronzio's manager is on the back foot.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, it's a terrible start for the lad, Bryan.
Terrible. I mean, just awful.
I put it down to pre-match nerves.
You're not wrong there, Brian.
I've brought my royal commentators with me.
Sit!
Right. (CHUCKLES)
Well, let's start the fun, shall we?
Bring out the Stone Age challengers!
(CROWD BOOING)
What? Where are you taking me?
What on Earth are you playing at?
(HOGNOB GRUNTS)
Oh, Dug.
Who challenge the champions?
(QUIETLY) You'll leave my people alone as agreed?
(QUIETLY)
Yes, just say the words.
Not me.
(CROWD GASPS)
I forfeit the game and volunteer myself for the mines.
(CROWD GASPS)
And?
And our valley is yours.
My goodness!
Have the cavemen caved?
Oh! So it seems.
How very disappointing.
Everyone, go home!
There is no game.
Apologies for the inconvenience.
(WHISPERS) Tell the staff, no refunds.
Fowl! Fowl!
Foul? No one's even playing, you silly slap-head!
No, fowl!
BRYAN: Well, Brian, it looks like the Stone Age team have just flown in.
BRIAN: That's right, Bryan.
They're definitely looking good in the air!
See what I did there?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, goodie.
Seems there is a game after all.
Gonna start without us, Dug?
Chief, we can't play this game.
What, because of a few paintings?
(GASPS) So you know about those terrible pictures?
They are terrible.
I can draw better than that.
But that's all they are.
Pictures.
It's this lot that counts.
You were right, Dug.
I thought we were just rabbit-hunters.
Well, not anymore.
You've shown me that.
Who's playing with Dug for the valley?
- ASBO: Champion.
It's what Mr. Rock would've wanted.
We challenge the champions!
- Your funeral, caveman!
BRYAN: This may be an uneven contest, Brian, but let's hope it's at least entertaining.
Ha! Let's get this done.
What?
Let's do it!
Oh! Well, this is interesting.
Hey, Hgelgraber!
- Wake up!
- (YELPS)
BRYAN: Very interesting!
- BRIAN: I don't believe it,
Bryan! The Stone Age team have caught their opponents napping.
Beginners' luck, Your Majesty.
Hmph.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Bad move, caveman.
Now you've just made us mad.
Yay!
BRIAN: And normal service is restored!
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Jurgend! Jurgend!
BRIAN: Let's see the replay,
Bryan.
PUPPETEER: Ooh, ja, kick!
Yay! Goal!
BRIAN: You can't argue with the puppets, Bryan.
PUPPETEER: Kissy-kissy!
Hug, hug, hug!
BRYAN: Aye, the puppets don't lie, Brian.
- CROWD: Oh!
- (GASPS)
PUPPETEER: Oh! Ah, and that's a goal.
- That's two.
- (GRUNTS)
BRIAN: Real Bronzio are in no mood to compromise.
- Goal!
Never mind. Come on, everyone!
- Boo!
- (YELPS)
BRIAN: And surely, that's settled it.
- Yay!
BRIAN: Well, it's halftime,
Bryan, and Real Bronzio are dominating this match.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
You're going down the mine!
You're going down the mine!
The only place we're going is back to the valley.
Now come on, everyone!
Let's show them what we've got!
(YELPING)
Remember your training, Eemak!
Nice one, Eemak! That's it!
BRIAN: Goodness me, it looks like a caveman counterattack.
Come on, then.
Let's see your tackle.
(YELPS)
DUG: Great work, Magma!
- BARRY: Hey, hey!
- (CROWD GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
What was that?
BRIAN: Oh-ho!
Unorthodox, Bryan,
- but effective.
- (ALL CHEERING)
- BRIAN: This is unprecedented!
- Yay!
I can't remember any side scoring two goals against Real Bronzio.
PUPPETEER: Oh, you fool.
What were you playing at?
You silly, stupid...
Idiot! Do I have to do everything around here?
Caveman coming through!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Nibbles, Your Majesty?
Stuff your nibbles!
BRYAN: Well, Real Bronzio, they just don't know what's hit them, they really don't.
BRIAN: Oh-ho! The Stone Age team is really coming together, Bryan.
BRYAN: You're not wrong,
Brian. It's like early man united. That's another joke there, Brian.
BRIAN: Oh, look at this!
The Stone Age striker beats one, nutmegs another...
- (CROWD GASPS)
All yours, Goona!
Hmm.
BRIAN: She's going all the way.
- BRIAN: She shoots.
- She scores!
- The crowd are going wild!
- And who can blame them?
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
(BOTH WHOOPING)
Wait a minute!
She shouldn't even be on the pitch.
QUEEN OOFEEFA: And why not?
Because she's a...
(LORD NOOTH STAMMERING)
A great player!
You lot!
Get your act together!
Unless you want to be suspended for the rest of the season.
Play on!
Hmm...
- LORD NOOTH: Psst. Dino! Dino!
- Eh?
- Have you got your rule book handy?
- Of course.
Good. Because
I'm throwing it at you.
Eh?
DUG: Come on, everyone.
One last goal will take us home.
Dino is having a lie-down.
I am the new ref.
Well, that's not fair!
Oh, isn't it?
Let's ask the new ref.
Ref, is it fair?
Oh, yes, it's totally fair.
Okay. Play on!
It's injury time. Understand?
- ALL: Ooh!
- BRIAN: Oh, that's not cricket, Bryan.
Whatever cricket is.
Nothing to see there. Play on.
- No!
- LORD NOOTH: I didn't see anything.
- No foul! Play on!
- No, no. Get up. Play on.
BRIAN: Oh, that's way below the belt.
Chief!
BRYAN: Oh, caveman down,
Brian!
Oh, my leg! Oh, my leg!
Hurts so bad!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Penalty!
BRIAN: Jurgend should get a prize for acting.
Chief? Chief?
- Ha! I soon have it fixed.
- (GROANING)
Oh, great.
Um... Huh?
Ha. There. Good job.
Come on,
that was never a penalty!
(SCOFFS) Fine.
Check the replay.
PUPPETEER: Oh, kick, ahh! Referee!
Oh, my leg! My leg!
(SCREAMS)
Oh, no, the crocodile!
Snack, snack, snack.
(SCREAMING)
LORD NOOTH: Oh, terrible foul!
Beating him with sausages!
Shame on you.
Definite penalty.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
BRIAN: A draw is just not good enough for the primitive part-timers, Bryan.
And now this.
A Real Bronzio penalty in the dying moments of the match.
BRYAN: Aye, and the goalie looks in a bad way too.
- CHIEF BOBNAR: (WEAKLY) Dug...
Chief?
I spent my whole life hunting rabbits.
I held you back.
I'm sorry.
I'm so... (GROANING)
Chief?
(SNIFFLES)
Chief! (SOBBING)
- GOONA: Dug,
I don't mean to worry you, but what are we going to do for a goalie?
Hognob?
Okay!
My word. Is that a pig they just put in goal?
Have to say that's rather rash.
(CHUCKLES)
- Rasher. Do you get it? Bacon.
- Mmm.
I've never missed a penalty.
Not against a pig anyway.
(LAUGHING)
BRIAN: And it looks likeit's all over for this plucky band of knuckle-grazers, Bryan.
BRYAN: A great effort, but, in the end, it wasn't quite enough.
(GULPS)
(LAUGHS) Say goodbye to your valley, caveman.
Come on, Hognob.
You can do it.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
BRIAN: He's got a trotter to it!
(ALL CHEERING)
BRYAN: It's still in play, Brian.
(PLAYERS SHOUTING)
CHIEF BOBNAR: Dug. Dug!
You were always a mammoth-hunter!
Dug! Over here!
(ECHOING) Go hunt mammoth!
Everyone! Give me a hand!
My ball!
Don't crowd me!
BRIAN: That is an amazing goal!
- Yay!
- (ALL CHEERING)
(CHUCKLES) Look at that.
The giant duck is on the pitch.
- (SQUAWKING)
- He thinks it's all over.
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
BRIAN: It is now!
(ALL CHEERING)
Is this as good as you imagined?
No.
It's better!
Yeah!
Well done, my old hoggy friend!
You cheat!
You are a disgrace to football!
Oh!
Hmm?
Good game.
Ja.
Well played, caveman.
QUEEN OOFEEFA: So...
Huh?
You've reminded us how the beautiful game should be played.
As for Lord Nooth...
Nooth? Nooth! Where is that...
- Rat!
- Yes, quite! (GASPS)
- Guards!
Apprehend that rodent!
LORD NOOTH: So long, suckers!
- (LAUGHING)
- BRIAN: My word, Bryan.
That schnookel-grabbing scoundrel is making off with the profits!
After you.
BRYAN: Aye, but will he get away?
- BRYAN: Oh, superb shot!
- BRYAN: And a rebound!
- Oh, that got him!
Aye, Nooth is on the back foot now, Brian.
- Quite literally.
BRYAN: Look at that.
- Caught by the old bill.
- BRIAN: Oh, Bryan, that's comedy bronze.
Well done, my friend.
No! My lovely schnookels!
- WOMAN: Yay!
Oh, refund.
That should remind him of the pecking order, eh?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Oh, and, caveman, I think this is yours.
Symbol of a game sent from heaven.
Thank you, Your...
Bronze Chiefness.
And now, I believe it's time you went home, to your valley.
We're going home.