EASY "A"
Written by
Bert V. Royal
FIRST DRAFT
August 3, 2008
IN DARKNESS:
OLIVE (V.O.)
The rumors of my promiscuity have
been greatly exaggerated.
FADE IN:
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
OLIVE PENDERGHAST (17), a cute teenager, speaks directly into
the WEBCAM atop her computer.
OLIVE
Let the record show that I, Olive
Penderghast, being of sound mind,
ample breast size and the
occasional corny knock knock joke,
do enter this video blog into
evidence in the case against me.
Because I'm being judged by a jury
of my peers, I will attempt to
insert `like' and `totally' into my
confession as much as possible. So
here it goes... I confess I'm, in
no small part, to blame for the
vociferous gossip that has turned
my Varsity letter scarlet, but -
for anyone hoping that the sizzling
details of my sordid past will
provide you with a reason to lock
the door and make love to a dollop
of your sister's moisturizing
lotion - you'll be gravely
disappointed.
(Beat.)
Look, I just need to set the record
straight and what better way to do
that, than to broadcast it on the
Internet. So, here it is -- Part
One: The Shudder-Inducing and
Cliched, However Totally False
Acco*** Of How I Lost My Virginity
To A Guy At A Community College In
A Neighboring Town.
(Beat.)
Let me just begin by saying that
there are two sides to every story.
This is my side, the right one.
(Beat.)
Like, totally.
2.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Olive sits with her best friend, RHIANNON ABERNATHY (17), a
brash teenager. It would be safe to say that these girls are
definitely on the "B List" at their school.
RHIANNON
Fuck off! George is not a `sexy'
name. George is like what you name
your teddy bear, not the name you
wanna scream out during an orgasm.
OLIVE
That's bullshit. There are lots of
sexy Georges.
RHIANNON
Name three.
Olive starts to say something, but Rhiannon interrupts her.
RHIANNON (CONT'D)
Besides Clooney. Too easy.
OLIVE
Shouldn't that alone be enough?
RHIANNON
Fine. That's one. Number two?
OLIVE
(THINKING)
Okay. George... Ummmm... Reeves!
RHIANNON
Who's that?
OLIVE
Superman. From way back. He was
hot.
RHIANNON
No way. Teddy bear.
OLIVE
Bullshit. Ben Affleck played him
in that movie!
RHIANNON
So what? Charlize Theron played
that butt-fucking-ugly lesbo serial
killer. Besides he's from another
century.
(MORE)
3.
RHIANNON (CONT'D)
We're speaking present day. I
mean, Jesus, Mortimer was probably
a sexy name in some era.
OLIVE
George Stephanopolous.
RHIANNON
What are you? Fifty?
OLIVE
(THINKING HARD)
George...
RHIANNON
Bush? Yeah. He's one hot
mutherfucker. Just face it.
There's no such thing as a sexy
George.
OLIVE
Well, mine is. So, I think we
should just put this conversation
to bed.
RHIANNON
Fine. Don't come. I hate you.
Rhiannon folds her arms and pouts.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Olive continues to narrate into her webcam.
OLIVE
Let me back up. I don't know if
any of you have ever met them, but
Rhiannon's parents are quite
possibly the creepiest people in a
four co***y radius.
INT. THE ABERNATHY LIVING ROOM
MR. and MRS. ABERNATHY (50's) sit on their couch, smiling at
the television, in their horrifically rustic home.
MR. ABERNATHY bares a striking resemblance to ukelele player,
Tiny Tim. (Although the man we're looking at has an even
more frightening smile.)
MRS. ABERNATHY has hair to her ankles and dresses like a
Mormon.
4.
OLIVE (V.O.)
I've always felt sort of sorry for
Rhiannon, but not enough to do what
she was asking me to do.
We float upwards to -
INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rhiannon is on the phone, agitated.
RHIANNON
(Into the phone)
PLEASE. Please. I'm begging you.
I'll pay you.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Olive is on the other end of the phone conversation.
We INTERCUT between the two sides.
OLIVE
Rhi, I can't. I told you I have
plans.
RHIANNON
You're lying. You're a lying bitch
and I hate you so much right now.
OLIVE
(LYING)
I'm not lying. I promise I'm not.
I really would love to go camping
with your family this weekend. I
had fun with your family last year.
EXT. WOODS - LAST YEAR - NIGHT
Olive, uncomfortable, and Rhiannon, bored, sit around a
campfire with the Abernathys.
The couple stare at the fire with the same creepy smile
plastered on their faces.
There is an excruciatingly long and painful silence.
MR. ABERNATHY
Would you like a marshmallow, Olive
Oil?
5.
Mrs. Abernathy squeaks out a meek titter that is annoyingly
high-pitched.
MRS. ABERNATHY
Olive oil. That's funny. Very,
very funny.
OLIVE
(POLITELY)
No thank you, Mr. Abernathy.
MR. ABERNATHY
You can call me Mortimer, Olive
Branch.
Mrs. Abernathy titters again. Rhiannon rolls her eyes.
There is another awkwardly long silence, while the Abernathys
grin away at their fire.
INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Rhiannon is getting increasingly angrier at her friend.
RHIANNON
(Into the phone)
Why don't you just say it? You
don't like my parents. You think
they're hopelessly pathetic and
devoid of souls and wish that you
could live with normal people who
didn't meet at a Star Trek
convention!!
She quickly catches her faux pas and stops talking.
OLIVE
(Sympathetic to her
FRIEND)
Rhi, I like your parents. They're
sweet. But I can't go camping this
weekend.
RHIANNON
Quick. Hurry and make up a lie.
OLIVE
I have a date.
RHIANNON
Liar.
6.
OLIVE
(LYING)
No. I do.
RHIANNON
With who?
OLIVE
You don't know him.
RHIANNON
And neither do you, you selfish
bitch!
OLIVE
I'm serious. He goes to the
community college with my brother
in Denton.
RHIANNON
What's his name then?
OLIVE
(WAXING CUTE)
Who? My brother?
RHIANNON
Stop stalling. You're totally
trying to come up with a name.
Just say it.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
OLIVE
I'm not proud of this. Less about
the lie and more about the
unoriginality of it. Okay, have
you guys ever watched `The Brady
Bunch'? Of course you haven't.
You're busy watching fake people
pretend to be real on MTV. That's
why I knew I could get away with
it. See, there was this episode
where Jan - the awkward middle
child - made up a boyfriend to
assuage the ridicule of her snatchy
sister who had just stolen the
heart of the boy that Jan loved.
The name of her imaginary boyfriend
WAS --
7.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY
OLIVE
(Into the phone)
George Glass.
RHIANNON
George? What kind of a fucking
name is George?
OLIVE
He's pretty hot and he asked me out
this weekend, so I said yes.
Although still skeptical, she seems a tad more mollified.
RHIANNON
If you're choosing him over helping
me cope with two days in the
wilderness with these people who
even I'm not convinced aren't
serial killers, he had better be
the one. You had better fucking
marry him, have fucking babies with
him and then take him for fucking
everything he's worth.
OLIVE
Deal.
INT. CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS
Rhi and Olive continue their conversation, as Rhi pops a
tater tot into her mouth.
RHIANNON
(With her mouth full)
You're not off the hook, you know.
I want lurid details. This had
better be the best date of your
life to co***erbalance the worst
weekend of mine.
OLIVE
I'm sure you'll have a good time.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Rhi sits, bored and uncomfortable, while her parents smile at
the campfire for an, again, awkwardly long moment.
8.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
To her webcam --
OLIVE
(Through the proverbial
CLENCHED TEETH)
Even though we now hate each other,
Rhi, I really hope you're watching
this. Because this part's for you.
The lurid details of my weekend en
flagrante delicto with the all-too-
imaginary, yet surprisingly
satisfying George Glass:
Ken Nordine's beat poem `OLIVE,' (from the late 60's album
`Colors'), underscored to jazz, plays as we see a montage of
OLIVE'S WEEKEND:
In her bedroom, Olive --
-- watches `The Notebook,' pining over Ryan Gosling.
KEN NORDINE (V.O.)
Olive.
Poor thing.
-- paints her toenails Jungle Red.
KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Sits and thinks
that it's drab.
Sure does.
Sits and sits and sits and sits and
THINKS
about it's olive drab drab.
-- dances to the jazz music, but alone, in her underwear and
a t-shirt that declares: `Hands off.'
KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
DOESN'T KNOW
that it is about to be named
`Color of the Year,'
by those with the nose for the new.
By the passionate few.
Yeah...
-- reads TEEN PEOPLE magazine.
KEN NORDINE (CONT'D)
Olive is definitely in.
EVERYTHING
that can possibly mean
(MORE)
9.
KEN NORDINE (CONT'D)
anything!
Anywhere!
At least for a year.
-- dances some more.
KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Has got to be Olive!
Did you hear that Olive?
Did ya?
Know what it means?
Oh Olive!
There'll be olive cars
and olive trucks
and olive chickens
and olive ducks
and olive socks
and olive garters
And olive brakes
and olive starters!
Olive, sorry!
Olive, please!
OLIVE WHATNOTS
and olive trees!
Olive trees?
What a quaint notion...
Olive trees.
(CHUCKLING)
Olive.
Out of breath from dancing, she walks over and displaces the
NEEDLE from the KEN NORDINE ALBUM she's playing.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
To the webcam --
OLIVE
But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
how my weekend was...
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Olive and Rhi walk, with books in hand, to class - weaving in
and out of people.
OLIVE
It was nothing short of perfection.
10.
RHIANNON
Details, bitch. Wait, first I need
a scope of reference. Who would
play him in the movie of your life?
OLIVE
Ryan Gosling, definitely.
RHIANNON
That works. Spill.
OLIVE
He was charming. A real gentleman.
RHIANNON
Are you going to see him again?
OLIVE
Probably not. It was just one of
those weekends.
RHIANNON
The whole weekend?
OLIVE
Yeah.
Rhiannon suddenly stops and twirls Olive to face her.
RHIANNON
Wait a minute. You didn't...
OLIVE
No, of course not.
RHIANNON
(VERY LOUDLY)
You fucking liar! You totally lost
your virginity to him.
Pedestrian students stop in their tracks to stare at them.
OLIVE
I did not.
RHIANNON
YES YOU DID, YOU LYING FUCKING
WHORE!
Olive grabs her and drags her forward, interrupting the show.
RHIANNON (CONT'D)
Tell me everything and spare me the
coquettish `just-the-tip' bullshit.
(MORE)
11.
RHIANNON (CONT'D)
I know you did it! I know you let
him put it inside you, so just TELL
ME!
OLIVE
I'm not that kind of girl.
RHIANNON
The kind that does it or the kind
that does it like a fucking porn
star and then doesn't have the
balls to talk about it?
Rhi drags her into the --
INT. GIRLS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS
-- and abrasively, gets up in Olive's face.
RHIANNON
I want every perverted detail.
NOW, bitch.
Pressured, Olive lies.
OLIVE
Okay. Fine. We did it.
RHIANNON
You lost your virginity! Fucking
finally! Now, you're a super-slut
like me!
OLIVE
Rhi. Blowing Peter Tolliver once
behind the Pizza Hut doesn't make
you a super-slut.
RHIANNON
There were people walking past.
Whatever, this isn't about me.
This is about YOU. What did you
let him do?
OLIVE (V.O.)
I started piling on lie after lie.
It was like setting up Jenga.
CUT TO:
12.
A well-manicured FEMALE HAND stacks WOODEN JENGA BLOCKS onto
a table.
BACK TO:
OLIVE (CONT'D)
It was... Normal. Nothing freaky.
It was sweet. HE was sweet.
RHIANNON
Was he big? Did it hurt?
OLIVE
No. It was great. Like I said.
Okay, that's enough.
The toilet flushes and MARIANNE BRYANT (16), an Aryanesque,
cardigan-wearing Christian-girl exits from a stall and walks
to the sink, where she vigorously washes her hands - while
staring at Rhi and Olive with disgust.
RHIANNON
What the fuck are you looking at,
Marianne?
MARIANNE
Nothing. Just a couple of admitted
whores.
Marianne wipes her hands and leaves the restroom. Olive's
stomach revolves at her now-turned-public admission.
OLIVE
So, how was your weekend?
(I promise it's the last time...)
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
The Abernathys smile at the campfire, roasting WEINERS.
Rhiannon would rather be anywhere other than there.
MR. ABERNATHY
Wienie, Rhi?
Rhi snorts in contempt of her father and his wienie.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
13.
OLIVE
Marianne Bryant, as we all know, is
the President of the Christian
Student Coalition and is that rare
breed of human born with a stick
the size of a baseball bat
implanted up her anus. God's
honest. I'm sure it's in some
medical dictionary somewhere.
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR
Marianne and her lackey, NINA HOWELL (16), who's just as
awful as she is, pass out flyers.
OLIVE (V.O.)
Last year's cause celebre was the
changing of the school mascot,
which she spearheaded.
Marianne aggressively shoves her literature into passing
students faces.
INT. GYM - LAST YEAR
The school's MASCOT (17), a SHIRTLESS MUSCULAR KID painted
BLUE and costumed as a DEVIL, bursts into the auditorium and
begins to rile students up by thrusting his PITCHFORK in the
air.
MASCOT
Blue Devils! Blue Devils! Blue
Devils!
The crowd goes wild.
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR -
CONTINUOUS
Marianne, melodramatically, grabs a PASSING STUDENT by the
arm.
MARIANNE
How can we exhibit school pride
when we're conveyed to others as
satan worshippers?
The scared student takes her pamphlet and runs away.
14.
OLIVE (V.O.)
Now, thankfully, we're the much
less intimidating --
INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - MONTHS LATER
The mascot, unenthusiastic and feeling ridiculous, walks into
the gym dressed as a --
OLIVE (V.O.)
Meerkat.
MASCOT
Go meerkats! Go meerkats!
He can't seem to get himself or the student body as excited -
with the exception of Marianne and Nina, in the stands
applauding proudly.
The school band is playing `GOLDFINGER.'
Across the gym, Olive sits with Rhiannon.
RHIANNON
What the fuck is a meerkat anyway?
OLIVE
Beats the hell out of me. But can
we just take a moment to applaud
the Barbara Bush High School
Marching Band for their very
ambitious effort to learn all of
the James Bond theme music in a
single year? I personally wish
them all the best in their
endeavor. Ku-dos!
RHIANNON
I think I speak for all of the
female students and faculty - and
maybe a couple of males - when I
say that I liked Todd much better
when he was shirtless. I actually
looked forward to these disturbing
displays of -- what do they call
it?
OLIVE
School spirit.
RHIANNON
Yeah. That's it.
15.
OLIVE
Even dressed as a meerkat, I still
fantasize about him.
RHIANNON
Ha! What are those people called
again? The ones that dress up like
stuffed animals when they do it?
OLIVE
Communists.
Rhiannon laughs.
RHIANNON
Shhh. Don't let Marianne hear you
say that word. The last thing we
need is McCarthyism at Barbara
Bush.
OLIVE
Isn't high school already a hotbed
of just that?
RHIANNON
True.
(Beat.)
Yeah, I'd totally fuck Meerkat
Todd.
They both get lost in the thought.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
OLIVE
So, of course, immediately I knew
that the little white lie I told to
my then-best-friend in the ladies
room would come back to bite me on
the ass. However, even I - who my
fourth grade teacher stated on my
report card `has an imagination
that should be quickly expunged' -
had no idea how quickly this
article of fiction would spread.
So, now we move on to Part Two: The
Accelerated Velocity of
Terminological Inexactitude.
16.
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Olive loads books into her locker. She sees Marianne walk
past with Nina. They give her a repulsed look.
Olive decides to nip this in the bud. She catches up to
them.
OLIVE
Hey Marianne, can I talk to you for
a second?
Nina, reluctantly, gives them a moment alone.
MARIANNE
(EXASPERATED)
What?
OLIVE
Listen, what you heard in the
bathroom, that wasn't true. It's
actually a funny story. Do you
ever watch `The Brady Bunch'?
MARIANNE
Olive - that's your name, right?
Olive knows that Marianne knows her name, but obligingly
nods.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
I'm not the one you have to answer
to for your depraved behavior.
There is a higher power to judge
your indecency.
OLIVE
(JOKINGLY)
Who? The guidance counselor?
MARIANNE
(ICILY)
I hope for your sake, God has a
sense of humor.
OLIVE
Oh, I have sixteen years worth of
anecdotal proof that He does.
Olive looks over and sees that Nina is talking to a group of
GUYS, who are looking at Olive, intrigued.
17.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(SOTTO VOCE)
Damn it.
Marianne sees what her friend is doing and smiles at Olive,
coldly.
MARIANNE
Look. You've made your bed. I
just hope for your sake, you
cleaned the sheets.
She turns on her heels and leaves Olive behind.
OLIVE
(TO HERSELF)
Did I just get saved?
She shakes off her attempt and continues on her way, walking
past the guys who smile at her. This alarms her.
GUY IN HALL
Hey Olive. How's it going?
Without stopping --
OLIVE
I'm swell, guy-I've-never-laid-eyes-
on-before. Thanks for asking.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
All I could think to myself was
`Great, now I'm going to have to
start wearing red lipstick and
stiletto heels.'
Battling her frustration, she goes to class.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Olive eats dinner with her family.
Her father, DILL (40's), is a regular dad-kinda-guy. Her
mother, ROSEMARY (40's) is heavyset with a fun disposition.
Also in attendance is her `a-little-too-precious' sister,
GINGER (12).
Olive and her folks get along really well.
OLIVE
Hey, you guys know that I was here
all weekend, right?
18.
They all nod at her.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
And you would testify to that?
DILL
(SLIGHTLY CONCERNED)
What's up, sweet pea?
OLIVE
It's nothing. Just the rumor mill.
ROSEMARY
What's the rumor mill turning out
these days?
OLIVE
Seriously, it's nothing.
They continue to eat.
ROSEMARY
Don't forget your brother's staying
here next weekend.
OLIVE
Why? He never comes home.
ROSEMARY
They're fumigating the dorms. And
thank God for that. Last time I
was there, I saw three cockroaches.
GINGER
(WHINY)
Mom, can you please not say that
word while I'm eating?
ROSEMARY
Sorry, hon.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
OLIVE
Like all families, mine has a deep
dark secret. And since I'm
spilling all this dirt, I might as
well go ahead and confess it.
She takes a deep breath.
19.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
I'm trusting that this nugget of
information isn't going to be
spread around, but - okay, here it
goes: My dad's name is Dill and my
mother's name is Rosemary. They
were so amused by this that they
decided to name all of their
children after --
(FEIGNING DISCOMFORT)
-- edible items.
(With mock emotion)
My brother's name is Sage and my
sister's name is Ginger. It's
shocking, I know. We're like a
fucking pantry, us Penderghasts!
(SNAPPING BACK)
But at least my parents didn't meet
at a `Star Trek' convention, BITCH!
Sorry. Now, I'm just being mean.
Okay. Back to the story.
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
As Olive walks through school, she is met with a totally
different energy. She no longer blends in. Guys are
checking her out. Girls are glaring at her, scornfully.
She's kind of digging it.
OLIVE (V.O.)
So, while I would never have
classified myself as a wallflower,
I was now the center of attention
and who doesn't love that? Jeez,
if I'd known that losing my
virginity would create such a new
persona for myself, I'd have lied
about it back in eighth grade.
Eighth grade sucked. I did get my
first kiss back then, however. It
was gross and kind of turned me off
to the whole my-tongue-in-other-
people's-mouths thing. Not to
mention, the even-worse other-
people's-tongues-in-MY-mouth thing.
Seriously, folks. Who invented
kissing? Why is everyone so dead-
set on sticking their body parts in
other people's orifices? If
there's a hole on a person, rest
assured, somebody wants to stick
something of theirs in it.
20.
INT. CLOSET
In almost complete darkness, a very nervous EIGHTH GRADE
OLIVE (13) sits with a scared shitless EIGHTH GRADE KID (13).
You can hear other PRE-TEENS snickering and whispering
outside the door.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
So, I think this is the part where
you're supposed to stick your
tongue in my mouth. It's just what
I've heard.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
Just give me a second, okay?
Olive presses a button and her watch illuminates.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
According to my watch, you have 382
of them.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
How do you do that?
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
What?
EIGHTH GRADE KID
Add so fast. And you also talk
like a grown up.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Don't worry. I'm not nearly as
smart as I think I am.
The kid snickers. He feels a little more at ease.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D)
I think it's just practice. For
when I do grow up. Plus, don't
sweat it. Girls mature faster than
boys.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
That's what they say.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
And it's probably the reason I'm
ready to do this and you're not.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
Is it that obvious?
21.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Painfully so.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
So, if we didn't do anything, would
you tell everybody?
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Absolutely. I will tell everyone
you pussied out and the whole
school will make fun of you and
you'll most likely spend the rest
of your teen years as a joke - no,
even worse - a cautionary tale.
They both laugh.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
The Kid Who Opted Not To Kiss The
Girl.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
They'll tell it for years. It'll
be a suburban legend.
The kid smiles warmly and gratefully at her.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
Thanks, Olive.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Don't mention it.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
No. YOU don't mention it.
She extends her pinky to him. They link pinkies and they
swear on it.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
We still have five minutes and
thirty six seconds.
There's a long silence.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
I'm really interested in politics.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Oh yeah?
EIGHTH GRADE KID
Totally.
22.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Well,... Uh.... Cool.
There's another long silence. Finally, from outside the door
--
PRETEEN KID (O.S.)
Ewwwww. H***er Neblett just puked
all over the dining room.
Olive and the kid listen as people scurry from outside the
closet.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
Thank God.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
Hey, we're in Junior High. Vomit-
viewing will always trump spit-
swapping.
The kid starts to make his grand escape, but Olive stops him.
EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D)
Real fast - and you can tell me the
truth. It's not because I'm --
The kid smiles.
EIGHTH GRADE KID
No. You're very pretty.
He extends his pinky and she links it to hers. He kisses her
quickly on the cheek and darts from the closet.
Olive sits in the closet for a moment, contemplating what
just happened, wondering if he was telling the truth, then
she opens the door.
The coast is clear, except for ANOTHER PRETEEN KID walking
past. She aggressively grabs him and pulls him into the
closet with her and, promptly, thrusts her tongue into his
mouth.
They make out.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Olive seems lost in thought. She snaps back to reality and
the task at hand.
23.
OLIVE
If I'd known that Meerkat Todd was
going to turn out so hot, I
probably would have cherished the
moment more. I suppose just that
I'm sitting here reminiscing about
it means that it must have meant
something.
(Beat.)
Yeah, so anyway - kissing's not
really my thing. That's what I
learned in Natalie Giblin's closet.
I digress...
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Olive half-listens in class, while her English teacher MR.
GRIFFIN (early 30's), a handsome guy, lectures on `THE
SCARLET LETTER.'
OLIVE (V.O.)
So, I'm feeling like the cat's ass,
because everyone thinks I've been
deflowered. I'm surprised at how
empowered I felt by this
prevarication. I wonder to myself,
would I feel this invigorated if I
had actually let some college kid
violate me in his cockroach-
infested dorm room? Probably not.
(Beat.)
Ironically, we were studying `The
Scarlet Letter,' but isn't that
always the way with these teenage
tales? The literature you read in
class always seems to have a strong
connection with whatever angsty
adolescent drama is being
reco***ed. I consider this.
(Pause.)
Then I think: Except for
`Huckleberry Finn.' I don't know
any teenage boys who have ever run
away with a big, hulking black guy.
MR. GRIFFIN
Alright, so thoughts?
Nina raises her hand. Mr. Griffin points to her.
NINA
I think Hester Prynne was - excuse
my language - a whore.
24.
MR. GRIFFIN
You don't see her as a victim?
NINA
Why should I? She brought it on
herself.
Nina whips around and gives Olive a look, surprising her.
OLIVE
Excuse me?
NINA
Perhaps you should embroider a red
A on your wardrobe?
OLIVE
Perhaps you should GET a wardrobe,
you twat!
The class bursts into surprised laughter. Even Mr. Griffin
tries hard to suppress a congratulatory glance in her
direction.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Admittedly, not my best line. But
it was provocative enough to land
me in the Principal's office.
Mr. Griffin, begrudgingly, calls her to his desk. He starts
writing something on a piece of paper.
INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Olive sits with her arms crossed outside of the Principal's
office. She clenches a note in her fist.
Marianne, who's an office aid, has a smirk on her face as she
watches Olive squirm. She slams her fist down on the
stapler, repetitively.
FINALLY --
MARIANNE
Seems as if someone's on a downward
spiral.
OLIVE
Seems as if someone's practicing
the mundane activities she'll be
saddled with the rest of her
pathetic life.
25.
MARIANNE
You have a chip on your shoulder
the size of Texas.
OLIVE
Wow, that's even bigger than your
ass.
MARIANNE
(COLDLY)
You're going to hell.
OLIVE
(Growing weary of this
BANTER)
As long as you won't be there...
MARIANNE
Oh, I can assure you I won't.
Neither says anything for a few moments.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
I hope you at least had the good
sense to wear a condom.
OLIVE
Why? Your parents didn't.
MARIANNE
You know, you're just like --
The principal's door opens and Marianne quickly shuts up and
continues her work.
TWO KIDS emerge. One, obviously, a bully; the other,
obviously, the bullied. The BULLIED kid is holding a
BLOODIED TISSUE up to his nose. He and Olive exchange
meaningful glances.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (60's), a colossal prick disguised as a
man, gestures for her to come in. Olive gets up and enters --
INT. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
He closes the door behind them. He holds his hand out and
she gives him the note that Mr. Griffin wrote. Gibbons
studies it.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
I don't know you.
She thrusts her hand out.
26.
OLIVE
Olive Penderghast.
He eyes her hand, not amused, and she quickly withdraws it.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Why are we just now meeting? Using
language like this should have
warranted a visit to me years ago.
OLIVE
Well, to be perfectly honest - I've
never used an epithet like this in
an educational arena before. Sir.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
This is foul.
OLIVE
In my defense, I think I meant to
say `twit.' It just came out more -
what's the word I'm looking for?
Veracious.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
A young lady with such an extensive
vocabulary shouldn't be stooping to
such vituperations.
OLIVE
(SMILING)
Touch�.
As serious as a heart attack...
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Wipe that smile off your face --
(Consulting the note)
Olive. I don't tolerate this kind
of language. Ever. Consider this
your first warning. If I find out
you've used a word like this in my
school again, I will make sure that
it's your last. I don't operate on
a `three strikes you're out
system'. You get one warning from
me.
She starts to say something --
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (CONT'D)
Think very carefully before you
speak.
27.
She relents, but stares him squarely in the eyes.
OLIVE
I always do. Are we finished?
He gestures to the door.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
Detention tomorrow after school in
Room 704. And, young lady, I don't
want to see you again.
OLIVE
Not even in a more positive
capacity? Maybe I could win a
ribbon or a medal or something. I
could conceivably be valedictorian.
Or something.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
(FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS)
Get out of my office now.
She quickly runs out of his office.
EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY
Rhiannon, excitedly, approaches Olive - dying to talk to her.
RHIANNON
Please tell me the rumors are true.
OLIVE
Yes, I'm a big whore.
RHIANNON
Not that one. The one where you
called Nina Howell a c*** and then
socked her in the nose.
OLIVE
It's not entirely true.
(Beat.)
Look, there's something I need to
tell you.
Rhiannon ignores her sincere attempt to confess.
RHIANNON
Yeah. Like the exact moment you
turned into such a BAD ASS? I
think I'm in LOVE with you.
(MORE)
28.
RHIANNON (CONT'D)
Please tell me you at least left a
mark on that scrunched-up face of
hers. POW! The c*** goes down for
the co***!
OLIVE
(FRUSTRATED)
Never mind.
Rhiannon pulls her keys from her purse and they walk to her
car.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
I want a car.
RHIANNON
Please. It's my only perk. Trust
me.
They get into her car.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
The scene looks the same. Olive sits with her family, having
family dinner.
OLIVE
I got sent to the Principal today.
Her parents seem more impressed than upset. This is
definitely a first.
DILL
What did you do?
OLIVE
I used inappropriate language in
English class. But we're reading a
book that I, personally, deem
wildly inappropriate for my age
group, so I felt that it was
actually quite apropos.
ROSEMARY
(More curious than angry)
What did you say?
Olive looks to her little sister and thinks better of saying
the word out loud.
OLIVE
Let's just say it was an
inappropriate word.
29.
DILL
What did it start with?
OLIVE
A snide comment from a snotty-ass
girl in my class.
DILL
I meant what letter did it start
with?
OLIVE
Oh. Yeah. T.
ROSEMARY
T? That's an odd one. Is this one
of those new curse words?
Both her parents wheels are going. They're both seeking the
answer in their heads, but are coming up with nothing.
ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
Was it -- ?
She leans over and whispers something in her daughter's ear.
OLIVE
I don't even know what that means.
ROSEMARY
Yeah. Neither do I.
Her parents search their brains, but nothing is coming to
them.
DILL
Okay. Noun, adjective or verb?
OLIVE
Noun. Definitely slang. Think
British, although they pronounce it
differently.
ROSEMARY
Well, I'm stumped. Whisper it in
my ear.
OLIVE
I can't. Too weird.
Excited by the prospect --
ROSEMARY
Oo! Oo! Spell it with your peas!
30.
OLIVE
Now, THAT'S a challenge.
She begins maneuvering her peas around the plate.
DILL
Does this have something to do with
this rumor you were talking about
the other night?
Olive touches her index finger to her nose, as she continues
to manipulate her food.
DILL (CONT'D)
Is there something you want to tell
us, kiddo?
OLIVE
I'm spelling it out for you as
quickly as I can.
GINGER
(Desperate for attention)
I got a B plus on my spelling test
today.
Too intrigued by Olive's admission to really care --
ROSEMARY
Good, sweetheart.
Rosemary figures it out as Olive is assembling the A.
ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
Oh, I know what it is!
She leans over and whispers it in Dill's ear. He nods in
understanding.
GINGER
(Glancing at Olive's
PLATE)
What's a twat?
Olive quickly scrapes the peas into a pile.
DILL
It's a word that will get you sent
to the principal's office.
ROSEMARY
(Whispering into Ginger's
EAR)
It's not a good word.
(MORE)
31.
ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
(TO OLIVE)
So, what was the principal like?
OLIVE
The male equivalent.
ROSEMARY
Of what?
Now, it's Dill's turn to whisper in Rosemary's ear. She nods
in understanding.
DILL
Well, it's the first time since
second grade, so I guess we can't
be too hard on you.
OLIVE
(GENUINELY CURIOUS)
What would my punishment have been
otherwise?
DILL
I dunno. To bed without supper?
OLIVE
But I'm already finished. Except
for my helpful and profane peas.
DILL
(THINKING HARD)
Uhhhh. This grounding thing seems
to be taking the co***ry by storm.
No phone, TV or... Or....
OLIVE
I'll help you out. I don't have
anyone to call. I haven't watched
TV since they cancelled `The
Illegitimate Children of the Real
Housewives of Laguna Beach' and I
really only watched that as a joke.
DILL
Fine. I'd take away your --
OLIVE
Books? Computer?
DILL
Yes! You're computer!
32.
OLIVE
All my homework's on there. Sorry.
You lose. But thanks for playing.
DILL
(SMILING WARMLY)
I guess then I'm lucky this isn't a
regular occurrence.
Olive gets up from the table and kisses her dad on the cheek.
OLIVE
I think we both are. I wouldn't
know how to be grounded any more
than you know how to ground.
DILL
I love you.
(Whispering in her ear)
And I'm sure that girl was acting
like exactly what you called her.
OLIVE
(WHISPERING BACK)
You have no idea.
She goes over and kisses her mom on the cheek, as well.
Leaving the dining room --
OLIVE (CONT'D)
How's about I go and punish myself?
Mea culpa, mea culpa.
She retreats upstairs.
GINGER
How come you guys never get mad at
her?
ROSEMARY
Because, pumpkin, of our three
darling children, we love her best.
(Erupting into laughter)
Just kidding! Now eat your dinner.
Dill chuckles, but Ginger is not amused.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
33.
OLIVE
The next day, things took a turn
for the scandalous. Which brings
us to Part Three: A Lady's Choice
and a Gentleman's Agreement.
She smiles slyly into her camera.
INT. ROOM 704 - DAY
Bored, Olive sits at a desk in a classroom, reading a
tattered copy of `The Scarlet Letter.' She's dressed much
racier and is starting to look pretty hot.
There's only one other person in the room. The BULLIED KID
seen by Olive leaving Gibbons's office the day before.
The bullied kid is thin as a rail, pale as a ghost and
slightly effeminate. He looks miserable. Not just by this
detention, but from life in general.
OLIVE
Are these detention sessions often
unchaperoned?
BULLIED KID
I don't think we pose a flight
risk.
OLIVE
I see.
Olive laughs to herself.
BULLIED KID
What?
OLIVE
I was just thinking it's kind of
funny. We haven't really talked
since that closet incident back in
eighth grade.
BULLIED KID
I was afraid you were going to
bring that up.
OLIVE
So, how have you been, Brandon?
BRANDON
(DRYLY)
I have been fantastic.
(MORE)
34.
BRANDON (CONT'D)
Really, really amazing. Don't know
if you heard, but according to my
locker, I'm a `power bottom.'
OLIVE
Yikes.
BRANDON
Yeah, only two days after the
custodians had finally gotten
around to scrubbing `turd burglar'
off. Which, if you think about it,
really contradicts the previous
label.
OLIVE
Maybe your vandal is marvelling at
your versatility?
Brandon shoots her a `that's not funny' look.
BRANDON
But, of course, I'm in detention.
OLIVE
Why?
BRANDON
Because Gibbons is a homophobe.
(Beat.)
And I called him a facist.
OLIVE
So, the rumors are true, huh?
BRANDON
(INCREDULOUS)
Have you ever met me?
OLIVE
No. I meant about Gibbons being a
facist.
He laughs.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
I kind of guessed it that night
with the whole kissing thing. The
way you ran away. I remember
thinking to myself, `this isn't the
first time this kid's going to go
bursting out of the closet.'
35.
BRANDON
Gold star for you, Nancy Drew.
There's a brief silence between them.
OLIVE
You know, I read this article that
said with this whole EMO movement,
it looks like - that in a few years
- the gay kids are going to be the
most popular ones in school.
BRANDON
Oh good. I'll come back when I'm
twenty seven for my redo.
Ignoring his cynicism --
OLIVE
Can you imagine the dance squad
full of shirtless guys in tight
pants rocking out to Britney, while
the football players sit on the
sidelines wishing they were that
cool?
BRANDON
That'll be the day.
(Beat.)
Judging from the new look you're
sporting, I'm not the only one in a
transformative stage. `Sup with
the whore couture?
OLIVE
(PROUDLY)
Haven't you heard? I'm the new
school slut!
BRANDON
As a matter of fact I did hear
that. I heard you banged a guy
twice your age.
OLIVE
No way. He's a freshman in
college.
BRANDON
Also heard he gave you crabs.
OLIVE
Ewwww. People suck.
36.
BRANDON
Tell me about it.
OLIVE
He's not real. The guy I slept
with. I made him up.
BRANDON
So, you started the rumor?
OLIVE
Indirectly? Sort of. Well, not
really. No. No, I didn't.
BRANDON
But you're perpetuating it. That's
fucked up.
OLIVE
(OFFENDED)
Excuse me?
BRANDON
It's true. There's only one thing
worse than these tabloid-chasing
celebutantes with their vapid minds
and their immoral souls and that's
the people who want to be like
them.
OLIVE
Did I say I wanted to be like them?
BRANDON
No, you just want everyone else to
think you are.
OLIVE
Why does it matter if it's not who
I really am? No offense, Brando,
but maybe you could learn something
from me.
BRANDON
You're saying I should pretend to
be straight, so people will like
me? What a novel idea. You should
do seminars. Oh, wait a minute, I
forgot... In high school,
EVERYBODY PRETENDS TO BE SOMETHING
THEY'RE NOT!
37.
OLIVE
Calm down, Adolph. There's a vein
popping out of your neck. I'm
simply suggesting that maybe these
kids we call peers have got the
right idea. Maybe Bridget
Schumacher isn't as hippy-dippy as
she pretends to be. Maybe that's
just the label she's put on herself
to avoid having to bathe as often
as society deems necessary. Or
take Marianne Bryant. It's
convenient for her to act like a
stuck-up Jesus-freak.
(Thinking about this)
No. I'm wrong. I think she's
actually just a stuck-up Jesus-
freak. But do you think she cares
that that's the way she's
perceived? No. Maybe she was just
sick of being just another
nameless, faceless entity in a
place and a time that reveres
people for extremity?
Brandon realizes why she's chosen this path and feels for
her.
BRANDON
There are some of us, though, that
want to just blend in to the crowd.
OLIVE
Then maybe you need to go to that
extreme. Or make the steadfast
decision not to care. Even better
if you can manage to do both.
(Beat.)
I've discovered an infallible
remedy for teen angst: apathy.
BRANDON
I can't decide if you're a genius
or a lunatic.
OLIVE
Don't they sort of go hand-in-hand?
She smiles sinisterly at him.
BRANDON
Funny. I always thought teen angst
and apathy went hand in hand.
38.
There is an electricity in the air and it seems as if at any
moment, they might fling off their clothes and screw right
there.
OLIVE
How am I doing?
BRANDON
What? Pretending to be a whore?
For a virgin, I'm impressed. How
about me? Could I pass as
straight?
OLIVE
Not bad. For a f**.
BRANDON
I prefer the term `turd burglar.'
They both break character and return to being themselves.
OLIVE
If we really wanted to shock the
world, we'd get up and leave
detention.
BRANDON
But you know that we would never do
that.
OLIVE
Isn't going to stop me from telling
everybody we did.
Brandon thinks hard about everything that's just been said.
His brain is going a-mile-a-minute. In that noggin, an idea
has been planted.
Olive, not oblivious to this, returns to her novel.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Olive lounges on her bed, flipping through a magazine and
talking to Rhiannon on the phone.
RHIANNON (O.S.)
Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa
Hodges that you lost your virginity
to three guys in a jacuzzi.
39.
OLIVE
Well, I guess that's better than me
getting crabs from a guy twice my
age.
RHIANNON (O.S.)
Ewww. Who said that?
OLIVE
You know that Brandon kid?
RHIANNON (O.S.)
From your seedy pre-pubescent
closet romp?
OLIVE
The one and only. It's what
somebody told him.
RHIANNON (O.S.)
Nobody talks to him.
OLIVE
Isn't that sad? He's actually
quite the conversationalist.
RHIANNON (O.S.)
He's gay.
OLIVE
Since when are straight guys under
the age of eighteen able to
converse?
A call beeps in on the other line.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Shit. Hold on.
She clicks over.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Hello?
BRANDON (O.S.)
Olive?
OLIVE
(SINGSONG)
Unfortunately so.
BRANDON
It's Brandon.
40.
OLIVE
Speak of the devil...
BRANDON (O.S.)
Hey, can I come over? I wanted to
talk to you about something.
OLIVE
(INTRIGUED)
Okay. Yeah. Sure.
BRANDON (O.S.)
Okay. See you soon.
Olive clicks over to Rhiannon.
OLIVE
Dude, that was Brandon. He wants
to talk to me about something.
RHIANNON (O.S.)
Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
OLIVE
That's so mean.
RHIANNON (O.S.)
Any word from George?
OLIVE
Rhi, I told you. It was a one
night stand. Which is now a DONE
night stand.
RHIANNON (O.S.)
You're being awfully cavalier about
this. I mean, he popped your
cherry. Aren't you supposed to be
eternally in love with him and
shit?
OLIVE
If I was a character on a CW show,
then, absolutely, I'd be blubbering
all over my Teen Vogue. Hey, we
should start a rumor that I'm
having a pregnancy scare!
Olive is stoked by her idea.
41.
INT. FOYER - PENDERGHAST HOME - NIGHT
Rosemary opens the door to see Brandon. She has no idea who
he is.
BRANDON
Hi. Is there an Olive here?
ROSEMARY
(FEIGNING CONFUSION)
There's a whole jar of them in the
fridge.
BRANDON
Sorry, I must have gotten the
address wrong.
ROSEMARY
Just kidding! Come on in.
Brandon walks in and Rosemary shouts --
ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
Olive, sweetie, there's a young man
here to see you. He said something
about asking for your hand in
marriage.
Brandon's eyes bulge and Olive descends the staircase.
OLIVE
Oh happy day, Mama! I thought I was
going to have to spend my dowry on
booze and pills to numb the
loneliness.
Olive grabs Brandon by the hand and leads him upstairs to --
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
She closes the door behind them.
OLIVE
My mom's an acquired taste. I know
this because I've only just
recently begun to appreciate her
myself.
She gestures for him to sit down.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Welcome to my boudoir! This is
where the magic happens.
42.
BRANDON
(BLURTING OUT)
Do you wanna go out with me?
She looks at him, strangely.
BRANDON (CONT'D)
I mean, like -- Do you want to be
my girlfriend?
OLIVE
Brandon, just a few hours ago, you
told me you were Kinsey Six gay.
BRANDON
True. But you said I should
pretend to be straight.
OLIVE
Well, I didn't mean with me.
You're a sweet guy and all, but
you're not really my type.
BRANDON
You're not really my type either.
OLIVE
I should say not.
BRANDON
Okay. Well, do you wanna have sex
with me?
OLIVE
You're serious.
He nervously nods.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Oh my God, dude. You totally
missed my point. All I was saying
was that --
BRANDON
No, I know what you were saying. I
should play it straight ***il I get
out of this hell and then I can be
whoever I want to be. No, I got
that.
OLIVE
Brandon, I didn't REALLY have sex
with a college guy. I just told
people I did.
(MORE)
43.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(CONSIDERS THIS)
Well, actually, I just told one
person and - well - you know how
these things work.
BRANDON
So, you're saying I shouldn't
really have sex. I should just say
I had sex with someone. A girl.
OLIVE
Now, you're cooking with gas.
It's his turn to smile slyly at her. She sees where he's
going with this and instantly gets defensive.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no.
No. Really. No. No way. No.
No.
BRANDON
Think about it. We could help each
other out. You want to maintain
this floozy facade. I want to not
get my face pummelled weekly.
OLIVE
You are on crack.
BRANDON
All it would take is one good
imaginary fuck and you'd be saving
the bone structure of my face.
Think of how happy my parents would
be!
OLIVE
This is not the answer. Why don't
you just do what I did and make
someone up?
BRANDON
Who would believe me?
(GROWING INCREASINGLY
DESPERATE)
Listen, Olive, I don't want to do
this. I want to live in that not-
too-distant EMO world, but I still
have another year of this bullshit
place and I can't do it. I just
can't do it.
(Beat.)
(MORE)
44.
BRANDON (CONT'D)
I'll pay you. I can pay you
whatever you want.
OLIVE
(GENTLY)
I just don't think it would work.
BRANDON
Whores aren't discerning, Olive.
And just think - you'll OFFICIALLY
be a hooker with a heart of gold!
OLIVE
I don't want your money.
BRANDON
I insist.
OLIVE
So, if I say yes, you're going to
tell a couple of people at school
and I just have to go with it? I
really don't think it will work.
BRANDON
(His voice cracking with
EMOTION)
I can make it work. I promise.
She sees tears forming in his eyes.
She walks away from him and is silent for a long few moments.
OLIVE
I don't do anything half-assed.
(Spinning around to face
HIM)
It'll have to be a public event.
Melanie Bostic is having a party
tomorrow night. All of your
tormentors will be there. You and
I are going together. You have to
do everything I say AND you have to
tell people that I was sensational.
Brandon wipes his tears away and is the happiest gay you've
ever seen. He throws his arms around her and won't let go.
BRANDON
I can't believe you're doing this.
OLIVE
Afterwards, it's up to you. You're
committing to something.
(MORE)
45.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Just make sure you're ready to live
with the consequences.
It seems as if that last statement was more for herself than
it was for him.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
OLIVE
I'm sure you all remember the
party...
INT. BOSTIC HOUSE - NIGHT
A TEEN PARTY rages. DRUNK KIDS abound.
Olive, looking like a million-fuckin'-bucks, prances into the
party with Brandon, who's looking pretty snazzy himself.
They appear drunk and are falling all over each other.
People stare in complete amazement at a.) Their appearance
and b.) That they're even together in the first place.
You'd never guess that this was anything less than an A-LIST
TEEN COUPLE, ripped from the pages of Teen People.
Olive falls against Brandon laughing. He hoists her up, as
their host, MELANIE BOSTIC (17), a fairly pretty girl,
approaches.
MELANIE
Hey Olive!
(WEIRDED OUT)
Hi Brandon.
OLIVE
OhmiGod, Melly. I hope you don't
mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail
party cocktails...
(DISORIENTED)
Party. Cocktails.
MELANIE
Well, glad you could make it.
OLIVE
(Whispering and slurring
in her ear)
Soooo, here's the thing.
(MORE)
46.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Brandon was in the middle of
telling me this funny thing. Is
there a quiet room we can go to
where he can finish telling me --
(HICCUP)
-- About his thing? That's funny?
She stares glassy-eyed at Melanie. Brandon just smiles.
MELANIE
Sure. You can use the guest room.
Down the hall.
OLIVE
I love you. I love you so much.
You are -- Just, yeah.
She gives her a drunken punch on the shoulder.
She spins around to the entire party, who is looking at them
with complete interest.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(Loudly; to all)
Hey everybody!
They raise a glass to them and Brandon and Olive stumble down
the hallway, laughing.
MELANIE
(Shocked; Mouthing to a
GUEST)
What the fuck?!
The bully who emerged from Gibbons's office with Brandon,
goes up to Melanie.
BULLY
Was that Olive with Brandon?
MELANIE
I know! Right?
They, with a big group, race down the hall where Brandon and
Olive have just retreated to.
INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
Olive locks the door and drops the drunk act. She's
completely sober and so is Brandon.
47.
OLIVE
(WHISPERING)
Draw the shades.
Brandon runs over and pulls the blinds down. They giggle,
conspiratorially.
Olive plops down on the bed and stretches out. Brandon lays
beside her. She moans for the benefit of the audience she
knows has assembled outside. She moans again and it's very
convincing.
She leans over and whispers in his ear --
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Gr***. Make it really convincing.
And manly.
He does so. She extends her palm, impressed. He slaps it
with his.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Sure enough, it seems as if most of the party is listening at
the door - falling all over each other to hear. Nearest to
the door is the bully, who is pleasantly surprised by the
noise inside.
INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Olive reaches into her handbag and pulls out her copy of `The
Scarlet Letter' and reads it while she makes sex noises.
Brandon laughs at this and Olive smacks him with it,
prompting him to stop. She puts her finger over her lips,
giving him the `Shhhh' sign.
She continues to read as she thrusts her hips, making the bed
squeak ever so slightly.
BRANDON
(WHISPERING)
How long do we have to do this?
OLIVE
(WHISPERING)
Depends. Do you wanna be a normal
adolescent boy or do you wanna be a
stud?
He moans in his deepest voice. She continues to read,
crescendoing her moaning like a pro.
48.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Oh God, Brandon. Don't stop.
Don't stop. Don't stop, don't
stop, don't stop.
She takes the top of the headboard and lightly taps it
against the wall, over and over.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(WHISPERING)
Now that I think about it, we
probably don't want to do this for
too long. It'll give the
impression that you're having
difficulty finishing. That's not
the desired effect.
BRANDON
(WHISPERING)
Are you sure you're a virgin?
OLIVE
(WHISPERING STERNLY)
Of course I am!
(LOUDLY )
Oh, fuck me! Fuck me! Don't stop
fucking me!
Brandon suppresses a laugh.
INT. GUEST ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Olive is disheveling herself. Brandon musses up his hair.
OLIVE
Hold on.
She unbuttons Brandon's shirt and rebuttons it incorrectly.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Go forth, my son. You're a man
now.
BRANDON
Thanks Olive.
He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The whole crowd, leaning against the wall, quickly disperses
when the door opens.
49.
The bully immediately hands Brandon a beer and throws his arm
around him, leading him drunkenly down the hallway, with a
crew of guys after the dirty details.
Olive looks at this and smiles, satisfied. Then she realizes
that, though the guys have gone, there are a whole slew of
girls looking at her completely differently. They avoid her
eye contact, as one would ward off Medusa.
Olive finds Melanie pretending not to be interested in her.
OLIVE
Is there a -- ?
MELANIE
Back entrance is through the
kitchen.
OLIVE
Thanks.
She begins her walk of shame down the corridor into the --
INT. KITCHEN
-- Where she runs smack-dab into the well-developed chest of
MEERKAT TODD.
MEERKAT TODD
(POLITELY)
Sorry.
They make eye contact. Olive is a sick shade of regret.
MEERKAT TODD (CONT'D)
Oh, hey Olive.
OLIVE
Hi Todd.
Obviously oblivious to the demonstration that just occurred --
MEERKAT TODD
How's it going?
OLIVE
I'M --
(She doesn't know how she
IS)
I'm here.
MEERKAT TODD
Can I get you a beer?
50.
OLIVE
That rhymed.
Olive catches the reflection behind her of a group of guys
leaning against the co***er, signalling `NO, DON'T DO IT' to
him behind her back.
She spins around and they instantly pretend to not be paying
attention. She glares at them.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(Ashamed of herself)
I should probably go.
She rushes off.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
OLIVE
It was truly my Cindy Mancini
moment.
(MELODRAMATICALLY
REENACTING)
`You! Even Bobby thinks we went
out. Great, huh? Ha! All of you
thought we were a couple. What a
joke!... Ronald Miller paid me
1,000 bucks to pretend I liked him.
What a deal, huh? $1,000 to go out
with him for a month. This guy. Oh,
God. He bought me. And he bought
all of you. He was sick and tired
of being a nobody. Yeah, and he
said that all of you guys would
worship him if we went out. And I
didn't believe that. I was, like,
no way! And he was right! No, leave
me alone. He was right. Our little
plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? The
dance. That stupid dance! What a
bunch of followers you guys are. I
mean, at least I got... At least I
got paid.'
(Sincerely; as herself)
`Can't Buy Me Love' is one of the
best movies ever made. Hands down.
You guys should totally watch it if
you haven't already. Or even if
you have. Seriously fine
filmmaking.
51.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY
Olive lays on her bed watching the scene from `Can't Buy Me
Love' that she just performed. She eats a candy bar and
wallows in her self-pity.
OLIVE
(To the television)
Oh, Cindy Mancini. It could have
been a lot worse. Trust me.
Her mom comes in with a nicely-wrapped gift.
ROSEMARY
That kid from the other night just
dropped this off for you.
Indicating an empty space on the floor --
OLIVE
Put it on the pile of gifts from my
other suitors.
ROSEMARY
He seems like a nice boy... Gay...
OLIVE
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual that
boy is.
Rosemary puts the gift on the floor.
ROSEMARY
I dated a homosexual in high
school.
OLIVE
We're not dating, Mom.
ROSEMARY
I just wanted to tell you that if
you want to date a gay boy, it
might be hard on your father and I,
at first. But we love you no
matter what the sexual orientation
of your opposite-sex partner.
Rosemary leaves, chuckling at her own joke.
Too curious, Olive opens the gift. She withdraws a PHOTO of
the BULLY holding BRANDON'S LEGS while he does a KEG STAND.
She smiles, pleasantly.
She pulls out a PINK VIBRATOR and looks at it quizically.
52.
There's an envelope inside. She opens it and pulls out a
$200 Gift Card to TARGET.
OLIVE (V.O.)
Cindy Mancini gets $1,000. I get a
vibrator and a $200 Gift Card to
Target.
There's a note, which she reads aloud to herself.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Dear Olive, The dildo is just in
case you don't shop at Target.
Then you can fuck yourself.
Olive breaks out into riotous laughter. She's genuinely
touched by this gift.
The phone rings. Thinking it's Brandon, Olive snatches it
up.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(EXCITEDLY)
Your package was perfection!
RHIANNON (O.S.)
So, it's TRUE!
OLIVE
Rhi?
RHIANNON (O.S.)
Well, it's not last night's
conquest!
OLIVE
You know, I always think it's so
ridiculous on TV, when someone
picks up the phone and magically
seems to know who's going to be on
the other end. I usually preface a
conversation with `hello' to avoid
such banalities. The one time I
decide to step outside this
convention... How are you?
INT. MALL - DAY
Rhiannon, clutching an enormous Diet Coke, plods through the
mall with an intensity reserved for girls who just found out
their best friend had her sophomore sexual exploit and didn't
bother to tell them.
53.
RHIANNON
I have many questions, obviously.
WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THE TWO LOCATIONS:
OLIVE
(PLAYFULLY)
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa
Claus. No, in fact, I do NOT know
the way to San Jose. And - little
known fact - contrary to popular
belief, panama hats are not from
Panama at all! They're from
Ecuador! Who knew?
RHIANNON
Now is not the time to be cute.
OLIVE
You're putting me in a precarious
position, because --
(With her best Jackie-O
VOICE)
-- `according to last month's
Cosmopolitan Magazine, we should
always look cute. Even when we're
doing mundane activities such as
choosing vegetables from the
produce section of our local
grocery store.'
RHIANNON
Olive, stop it. This is serious.
Did you really bang Brandon last
night at Melanie Dipshit's party?
Olive sighs as she slumps into her pillows.
OLIVE
Is that what people are saying
happened?
RHIANNON
That's what EVERYONE is saying.
OLIVE
Then I guess it's true.
RHIANNON
Does this mean you guys are dating?
OLIVE
God no.
54.
Rhiannon screams in frustration, attracting the attention of
passing shoppers.
RHIANNON
Just because you lost your
virginity doesn't mean you can go
around screwing everybody!
OLIVE
(OFF-PUT)
Uh, thanks Mom. Good talk.
RHIANNON
You're getting a reputation.
OLIVE
Y'know, you're really coming off as
a little pious right now and you're
kind of pissing me off.
RHIANNON
Please forgive my rectitude, but I
think that a best friend's duty is
to let her know that everyone - and
I do mean everyone - is calling her
a cum dumpster.
OLIVE
Well, do YOU think I'm a cum
dumpster?
RHIANNON
Look, baby, I call a spade a spade.
Entering the red zone --
OLIVE
First off, that's racist.
Secondly, fuck you! How dare you?
I was Laura Ingalls to your Lady
Chatterly and, now all of a sudden,
YOU feel the need to warn ME that
I'M making a fool of myself? There
are a lot of children who will
never again experience Family Pizza
Night because of you. So, why
don't you jump off your high horse
and splash around in the gutter
where you belong.
RHIANNON
I didn't want to believe it, but I
guess it's true. You're a
fucktart.
55.
OLIVE
And you're a jealous virgin.
RHIANNON
Oh yeah. I totally want to lose my
virginity to one of --
(As if it was a disease)
-- your brother's friends and then
be the first for a fairy, while
everyone listens outside! What is
wrong with you? Does sex mean
anything to you?
OLIVE
Yes! It's a period of time, how
ever short, that I don't have to
talk to you!
She slams the phone down into the cradle and seethes.
Berlin's `SEX (I'm A...)' plays loudly as...
She goes into her closet and starts, wildly, pulling down
clothes. She throws them into a big pile in the middle of
her floor.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into her webcam --
OLIVE
Rhiannon Abernathy only wishes that
somebody wanted to pretend to sleep
with her!
BACK TO:
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Olive - visibly upset - is cutting something, meticulously,
out of RED FABRIC. In fact, she has yards of red fabric
draped across her lap.
When she finishes the shape, she tosses it behind her and
begins another one.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - LATER
Olive sews these red scraps to her clothes. When she
finishes one piece, as before, she tosses it behind her and
grabs another item from the crumpled wardrobe on her floor.
56.
Time flies and we see the clothing pile rapidly decreasing,
***il there are none left.
The song morphs into -- Tommy James and the Shondell's
`CRIMSON & CLOVER' as we fade into --
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Clad in sunglasses, fuck-me-boots and looking like a bona
fide porn star, Olive struts down the halls of her school.
Sewn across her larger and pushed up breasts is
A FIERY RED `A'
(NOTE: For the rest of the film, every piece of Olive's
clothing will be emblazoned with a RED A.)
Erections are popping up all along the halls, as well as
looks of total disbelief from the girls.
She works it like a Debbie Who Just Did Dallas, D�sseldorf,
Des Moines, Daytona, Detroit and Darfur.
Up ahead, Rhiannon is yakking with a semi-attractive guy
named ANSON (17). She catches sight of Olive and her jaw
drops.
Olive sidles up to Anson, much to Rhiannon's chagrin.
OLIVE
Hey, Anson.
ANSON
(NERVOUS)
Hi.
OLIVE
(Breathy and aping Marilyn
MONROE)
I just realized the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for `I
love...'
ANSON
(STUTTERING)
What's an anagram?
OLIVE
Look it up, big boy.
She rubs her knee, seductively, along his inner thigh, turns
and licks her lips at a repulsed Rhiannon and continues on
her way.
57.
INT. CAFETERIA - LUNCH LINE - LATER
Anything sexually suggestive you can do with school cafeteria
food, Olive does as she makes her way through the lunch line,
as guys ogle her.
Marianne, also present in the line, watches her in
repugnance.
INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY
Olive emerges from the GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM, dressed for gym
class. A TERRIFIED FAT KID named EVAN nervously approaches
her.
EVAN
Hey Olive.
OLIVE
Hi Evan.
EVAN
Can I talk to you for a second?
He gestures for her to follow him underneath the bleachers.
She reluctantly does so.
EVAN (CONT'D)
(WHISPERING)
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
what you did for him.
OLIVE
Well, rest assured, it was equally
as thrilling for me.
EVAN
No, he told me the truth.
She's pissed. She silently seethes.
EVAN (CONT'D)
And I was just hoping that maybe
you could do the same for me?
OLIVE
(Through clenched teeth)
Walk away, Evan.
Evan starts to talk, but she raises her hand to silence him.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
RUN away, Evan.
58.
EVAN
I can pay you, too.
OLIVE
I'm about six seconds away from
slapping you so hard that your
unborn grandchildren will feel it.
EVAN
(Excited at the prospect)
Can you do it in front of everyone?
Olive turns and starts to leave. Evan summons up his courage
and meekly states to her back.
EVAN (CONT'D)
I don't need your permission, you
know.
She turns around and gives him a look of death. He can't
look at her.
EVAN (CONT'D)
I mean, at the rate you're going,
I'm just saying I don't think
anyone would not believe it.
OLIVE
Are you threatening me?
EVAN
I'll give you $500.
OLIVE
You're repugnant.
EVAN
(Indicating his body)
That's the problem.
And once again Olive feels too sorry for him to say no.
OLIVE
I want five hundred dollars in gift
certificate form deposited in my
locker before noon tomorrow.
Preferably `The Gap,' but I'll also
take Amazon.com. We did NOT have
sex. I was piss-ass drunk and I
let you fondle my chest and it was
a glorious moment for you,
unmatched by anything you've
heretofore experienced, including
cake. Got it?
59.
EVAN
Five hundred bucks for just feeling
you up? Doesn't that seem a little
steep to you? Can you throw in
SOME
(Mispronouncing it; as if
it rhymed with `cottage')
frottage?
OLIVE
(CORRECTING HIM)
It's fraw-TAHZH, dumbass.
(BUCKLING)
Fine. But it was so good, you
lasted only twelve seconds and I
better not find out that little
pecker of yours EVER came out of
your pants. Take it or leave it.
EVAN
Little pecker? Nuh-uh. For five
hundred dollars, it was ungodly
huge. You even commented on the
unusual girth for a guy my age.
OLIVE
I was too drunk to remember.
EVAN
Three minutes.
OLIVE
Two.
He extends his hand.
EVAN
Deal.
She, repulsed by it, shakes his hand. Evan's ecstatic.
OLIVE
The sad thing is, Evan, if you had
been a gentleman and asked me out
on a date, I probably would have
said yes.
EVAN
Really? Do you want to go on a
date?
With zero vitriol --
60.
OLIVE
Not now, I don't.
Sad for him, she walks away.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
OLIVE
Evan, if you're watching this -
shame on you. I hope you never
treat another girl the way you
treated me or you will die alone,
wishing it was because you're fat.
And since we're playing the shame
game... While I appreciate the
sentiment, Lewis, a pretend hand
job should have warranted a little
more than a hundred dollars worth
of AMC Movie Passes. They had an
expiration date AND were only able
to be used for movies that had been
running for two weeks. But even
that's better than Tyler Jennings,
who gave me a ten percent off
coupon to Bath and Body Works.
Seriously. A fucking coupon. Is
that how good my imaginary blow job
was to you? Huh? Is chivalry
dead? I want John Cusack holding a
boombox outside my window. I want
Richard Gere climbing up my fire
escape with the limo waiting
downstairs. I want to ride off on
a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey.
Although, I'm ashamed to admit I'd
prefer him to look like he looks
now. What woman wouldn't? But no.
I get to save two fifty on a bottle
of Juniper Breeze Hand Lotion.
Maybe chivalry isn't dead, but it's
in a coma and the prognosis isn't
good.
(Beat.)
So, if you're still with me - and
I'm guessing that most of you are -
I now present to you Part Four: How
I, Olive Penderghast, Went From
Assumed Trollop To an Actual Home-
wrecker.
61.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Mr. Griffin is alone grading papers. Olive pokes her head
in.
OLIVE
You wanted to see me?
MR. GRIFFIN
Yeah, Olive. Come cop a squat.
She takes a seat opposite his desk. He points to the RED "A"
on her chest.
MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
OLIVE
Accessorizing?
MR. GRIFFIN
Olive, Olive, Olive. Do you think
that maybe you're reading a little
too much into this assignment?
OLIVE
Well, I'm really hoping to get an
A.
(She points to her chest)
Get it? Get it?
MR. GRIFFIN
I'm hearing things.
She takes a deep breath.
OLIVE
The rumors are true. I am, in
fact, considering becoming an
existentialist.
MR. GRIFFIN
You know what I'm talking about.
OLIVE
Geez, since when did teachers
become privy to idle, adolescent
gossip?
MR. GRIFFIN
I guess it wouldn't matter so much
if I didn't like you. You're a
great girl and I happen to think
that all of
(MORE)
62.
MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
(Indicating her outfit)
`this' is just an act. I'm just
curious why you're doing it.
Olive drops her defenses and gets real.
OLIVE
Have you ever decided just to play
along? Because it's maybe easier
than fighting tooth-and-nail to
defend it?
MR. GRIFFIN
I just don't want to see this
(He searches for the word)
damage you.
OLIVE
You know, I think you should give
me extra credit for going the extra
mile. I'm really attempting to
understand this puritanical
ostracism.
Mr. Griffin smiles at her.
MR. GRIFFIN
Hey, I'm really sorry I had to send
you to the Principal. If you tell
anybody, I'll deny it, but I really
wanted to cheer with the rest of
the class.
OLIVE
(SMILING; INNOCENTLY)
You know I won't tell.
She gets up and leaves, but passes in the doorway, a
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(To the woman)
Hey Mrs. Griffin.
Pretending to know who she is --
MRS. GRIFFIN
Hi! How are you?
OLIVE
(Pointing to the `A')
A is for Awesome.
Olive disappears into the empty halls.
63.
MRS. GRIFFIN
I've never seen that girl before in
my life.
MR. GRIFFIN
That doesn't surprise me.
MRS. GRIFFIN
I'm the guidance counselor. I
should know all of the students.
Especially the ones dressed like
that.
He kisses her.
MR. GRIFFIN
She's just going through a phase.
(He gets an idea)
Hey, do you think you could talk to
her? Maybe you could get her to --
I dunno -
MRS. GRIFFIN
Sure. Yeah, whatever. Oh wait!
That's not the girl that everyone's
talking about, is it?
MR. GRIFFIN
`Fraid so.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Oh, this'll be good. That snotty
office aid has been bitching about
her incessantly.
MR. GRIFFIN
It's all lies. Talk to her. Maybe
that's all she needs.
MRS. GRIFFIN
What are you making for dinner
tonight?
MR. GRIFFIN
Is it my turn?
MRS. GRIFFIN
Sure is. I'm meeting up with the
girls at happy hour.
MR. GRIFFIN
Don't have too much fun.
64.
MRS. GRIFFIN
I never do.
He kisses her.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Assembled in a semi-circle, a handful of WELL-DRESSED
CHRISTIAN KIDS open their meeting of the CROSS YOUR HEART
CLUB with prayer. Marianne, of course, leads them in this
ritual. Nina is also present.
MARIANNE
Heavenly Father, watch over us with
Your all-encompassing love. Keep
us on the path toward Your
righteousness and eternal
salvation.
They all smile, say `AMEN' and open their eyes.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
Guys. We have a problem.
NINA
Amen to THAT.
MARIANNE
Olive Penderghast. We need to pray
for her, but we also need to get
rid of her. I'm sure, by now,
you've all heard about what
happened at Melanie Bostic's party.
CHRISTIAN KID #1
I was there. I heard the whole
thing.
Marianne eyes him, suspiciously.
MARIANNE
That's not something you need to
advertise, Kurt.
KURT
(SHEEPISHLY)
Sorry.
MARIANNE
See, herein lies the problem: She's
doing these tasteless, immoral acts
in plain view of the entire student
body.
(MORE)
65.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
She's in direct opposition to
everything we're trying to do for
this school, which is make it a
wholesome learning environment and
a place where our children will one
day flourish the way that we are.
(Beat.)
She was sent to the Principal's
office last week --
NINA
(INTERRUPTING)
She called me a really hurtful
name.
MARIANNE
-- and I tried to witness to her,
but she's defiant to any sort of
help.
She tears up.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
I don't know what to do, but
something's got to be done.
Her boyfriend, MICAH (17) takes her hand and holds it. She
leans against his shoulder, wiping away tears. Nina, on the
other side of her, begins rubbing her shoulder,
sympathetically.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
Does anybody here think that they
can talk to her in a way that might
get her to see that what she's
doing is wrong?
She suddenly bursts into sobs. (And these aren't crocodile
tears. She is flooded with emotion.)
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. This is so stupid.
MICAH
No, it's not, Marianne.
She wipes her tears away.
MARIANNE
Jesus tells us to love everyone.
Even the whores and the
homosexuals, but it's so hard.
(MORE)
66.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
It's so hard, because they just
keep doing `it' over and over
again.
She takes Micah and Nina's hands, the rest of the group
follows suit.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
Make me a promise. Make GOD a
promise right here and now that we
will remain pure and chaste ***il
marriage.
(Looking to Micah)
***il our love is proven holy in
His eyes.
ALL
We promise.
MARIANNE
Let's continue to pray for Olive
Penderghast. That either she sees
that what she's doing is a sin and
changes her behavior or that she
gets the hell out of our school.
They all squeeze hands and Marianne manages a smile.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
Awww, I love you guys. God loves
you guys.
EXT. PARKING LOT - BARBARA BUSH HIGH - DAY
Marianne gives Micah a strictly PG-rated kiss against his
car. They're nauseatingly wholesome.
INT. FRONT OFFICE - NEXT DAY
Olive is sitting in the office, dressed just as slutty as the
day before. A RED "A" sewn onto her top.
Marianne is behind the desk, sharpening pencils. After each
one, she observes the point with a scary satisfaction.
They exchange a few hateful glances at each other.
Mrs. Griffin pokes her head out of her office.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Hey Olive. Wanna come in?
67.
Olive, in no mood for this, drags herself up dramatically and
follows Mrs. Griffin into --
INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Mrs. Griffin sits behind her desk and Olive sits opposite
her.
MRS. GRIFFIN
So, the reason I called you down
here is just so that we could -
sort of, y'know - chat about what's
going on.
(Beat.)
There's been some concern from
faculty members.
OLIVE
(CORRECTING HER)
Your husband.
Mrs. Griffin shifts uncomfortably in her chair. There's
something a little unnerving about this kid's awareness.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Olive, you're attempting to make a
statement. We get that. I'm just
confused as to what exactly it is.
OLIVE
Am I in trouble? I promise the hem
of my dress isn't higher than my
fingertips.
MRS. GRIFFIN
You're not in trouble, Olive. I
just wanted you to know that if
there was something you maybe
needed to talk about, that you
could trust me.
OLIVE
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?
MRS. GRIFFIN
Yes.
OLIVE
(CONFESSIONAL)
I watch `American Idol.' Do NOT
tell anyone.
68.
Mrs. Griffin rolls her eyes.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
I have a reputation to uphold.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Don't you, though?
Olive assesses this statement from her.
OLIVE
We done? If I can think of any
angsty things to report, you'll be
the first to know.
She winks at her.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
This has been so much fun that I'm
actually - at this very moment -
considering meth addiction, just so
I can come back and we can jaw some
more.
MRS. GRIFFIN
(BITINGLY)
Or you could always get pregnant?
OLIVE
I'm probably closer than either of
us thinks...
Mrs. Griffin digs in her purse and pulls out a handful of
CONDOMS. Feigning excitement --
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Propho-tastic!
MRS. GRIFFIN
Please don't tell anyone I gave you
these. The school board is --
OLIVE
Puritanical and oppressive?
MRS. GRIFFIN
Conservative.
Olive sees that Mrs. Griffin is genuinely concerned.
OLIVE
I don't need those.
69.
MRS. GRIFFIN
(STERNLY)
But you do.
Olive starts to confess, but then just takes the rubbers and
puts them in her own purse.
OLIVE
Thank you.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Remember: our little secret. And,
hey, would you send in the next
person?
Mrs. Griffin smiles at Olive as she leaves.
INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
Marianne is talking to Micah, who seems distressed. He rubs
his eyes, like he's been crying. Olive is surprised to see
him there.
OLIVE
You're up, hoss.
MARIANNE
(Concerned; To Micah)
It's going to be okay.
She gives him a reassuring smile and he walks into her
office.
OLIVE
(TO MARIANNE)
Let me guess: drugs.
Marianne gives her a `go away' look.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
I didn't know Christians believed
in guidance counsellors.
(Beat.)
Ooo! Ooo! Is your boyfriend
struggling with his sexuality?
Marianne begins crying.
MARIANNE
No, you insensitive rhymes-with-
witch! His parents are going
THROUGH A
(MORE)
70.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
(WHISPERED)
divorce!
She begins sobbing uncontrollably. Olive, not sure what to
do, goes around the co***er and hugs her. Marianne just
cries on her shoulder.
OLIVE
It's okay, Marianne.
(Not sure what to say)
Sometimes our boyfriend's parents
get divorced. It's just important
to know that it's not your fault.
MARIANNE
(Through her tears)
They go to our church! Imagine
what people will say!
Olive didn't expect this embrace to last this long.
OLIVE
I have to go now. Are you going to
be okay?
Into Olive's shoulder --
MARIANNE
Mrs. Griffin is going to fix
everything. She's amazing. I know
that she's going to help Micah
through this time and everything's
going to be okay.
OLIVE
Yeah. Everything's going to be
okay.
Marianne pulls away and wipes tears from her eyes.
MARIANNE
Why are you being so nice to me?
OLIVE
Isn't that what we're supposed to
do? Hey, it's your boss's rules.
This triggers even more wails from Marianne , who grabs Olive
and squeezes her tightly.
MARIANNE
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for
everything I said.
(MORE)
71.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
I want to be friends. PLEASE.
PLEASE be my friend.
Olive is really confused by this display and is about to say
something snide, but thinks better of it and replies with a
very heartfelt --
OLIVE
Absolutely.
Marianne pulls away again and manages to smile at her,
warmly.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And for a day, we were actually
really good friends. I was really
starting to think that things were
going to turn around.
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.
OLIVE (V.O.)
But then I unwittingly gave her
boyfriend a venerial disease...
Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.
It's the slap heard `round the school.
INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY
Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office. Tear-streaked, Mrs.
Griffin is packing her things into a cardboard box. It's as
if her world has just collapsed.
OLIVE (V.O.)
...And caused the break-up of Mr.
and Mrs. Griffin...
MRS. GRIFFIN
(SNAPPING)
What?! What do you want?
Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even
look at her.
MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
Just go!
72.
She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the
box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.
Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know
what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave.
EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on
wooden stakes that say things like:
EXPEL OLIVE!
EXODUS 20:14
SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING
OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE
Rhi is among them, as riled up as any.
OLIVE (V.O.)
So, I guess I shouldn't be too
shocked that these people wanted my
diseased, home-wrecking ass out of
there.
The scene is a maelstrom of anger and piety.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Olive laughs.
OLIVE
The funny thing is: the whole time
this shit was going down - people
calling me something I knew wasn't
true, my best friend included - I
couldn't help but think how I could
have come up with better signs. No
one even bothered to use
alliteration or, God forbid, irony -
not even a single acronym - and
that seems a lot more unforgivable
than my sins.
73.
INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY
Olive enters a Catholic Church. It's empty, but there are a
few CANDLES burning. She sees the CONFESSIONAL BOOTH and
makes a beeline toward it.
She takes a deep breath and enters.
INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
She sits down and begins to talk to the screen.
OLIVE
Forgive me, father, for I have
sinned. I think that's how you're
supposed to start these things.
I'm only going on what I've seen in
the movies. Then, I think I'm
supposed to tell you how long it's
been since my last confession, but
that's kind of my first confession.
I'm not Catholic. I really don't
know what I'm supposed to do,
except sit here in this booth and
tell you what I've done wrong.
Where do I even start?
(Beat.)
I've been pretending to be a -- how
would one phrase it in Catholic
words? A harlot. It's not like
I've actually been doing the things
that people are saying I'm doing,
but - then again - I'm not denying
them, so I've just been wondering:
is that wrong? There's a lot of
shi -- `crap' going down at my
school which may or may not be
indirectly because of this
masquerade.
(Beat.)
I'm lying. I may have caused the
end of a marriage. I thought, in
my own perverse way, that I could
help it. I mean, in my defense, I
am merely an adolescent. I should
never have been propositioned in
the way I was propositioned by an
adult. But then again, I should
never have consented. It was just
that a lot of people had been
asking me to do things and I
thought it was okay, because it
wasn't real.
(MORE)
74.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
It was make-believe and no one was
getting hurt. But a lot of people
hate me now. I kind of hate me,
too.
There's a long silence. Olive tears up and wipes them away.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
I could be wrong, but aren't you
supposed to say something or ask me
questions. Tell me to say `Hail
Marys'? Hello?
She looks through the screen. There's no one there.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Oh, come on!
She throws the curtain to the booth open and stomps out.
EXT. CATHEDRAL PARKING LOT - DAY
Olive, upset at herself, gets into her car and drives off.
But just a few blocks down the street to --
EXT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
She parks her car and gets out to try a different
denomination.
INT. CHURCH OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Olive enters to find a SWEET, PORTLY RECEPTIONIST (50's)
searching through RELIGIOUS CLIP-ART on her COMPUTER,
attempting to find the perfect image for the church
newsletter.
The lady smiles, acknowledging Olive.
OLIVE
Hi. I was wondering if the
minister was around.
RECEPTIONIST
Pastor McGreevey is on vacation
this week. But our associate
pastor is in. Would you like to
speak to him?
For her own entertainment, Olive matches the receptionist's
enthusiasm level.
75.
OLIVE
Actually, that would be fantastic!
RECEPTIONIST
Can I tell him what this is
regarding?
OLIVE
Absolutely. I'm looking for a
church to join and I thought he
might be able to sell me on this
fine establishment.
The receptionist joyfully snatches up the phone.
RECEPTIONIST
Don, there's a young lady here who
would like to speak with you about
joining.
She listens and then hangs up.
RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D)
(Pointing to an office)
You can go right in.
OLIVE
If everyone here is as friendly as
you, I think we might be in
business.
She winks at the receptionist and enters --
INT. ASSOCIATE PASTOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (40's) is a gangly, unattractive -
borderline creepy - man. He invites Olive to have a seat.
ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
Hello there, young lady. My name
is Don.
He extends his hand, which she shakes politely.
ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (CONT'D)
How can I help you today?
OLIVE
I'm new to the area. Looking for a
church - hopefully something with a
strong fellowship, a firm foot in
the soil of...
(MORE)
76.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
divinity and was wondering what
your church's stance on lying and
adultery was?
Don seems taken aback by the question.
ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
Well. It's not a good thing.
OLIVE
Oh, I agree. Wholeheartedly. But
tell me: assuming there is a hell --
ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
Ma'am, the Presbyterian Church
recognizes the existence of hell.
OLIVE
Right. Okay. Let's say hell
exists. Which is worse - lying or
adultery? Or is lying about
adultery like a double whammy?
ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
I'm sorry, ma'am, I -- What did you
say your name was?
At that moment, Olive looks at his desk and sees a FRAMED
FAMILY PHOTO. Smiling big are Associate Pastor Don, his
wife, A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA and his lovely
DAUGHTER --
MARIANNE BRYANT.
She jumps up from her chair and recoils at the sight of the
picture and the stupid mistake she made by coming there.
OLIVE
You know what. I think I'm just
going to go and check out Judaism.
Backing up toward the door.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
The Jews and I have a lot in
common. Fashion-wise. And stuff.
So, thank you for your time.
She bolts from his office.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Olive speaks into her webcam --
77.
OLIVE
Yes. I had unwittingly sought
advice from the father of the
leader of my lynch mob. Who else
can say that's happened to them?
(Beat.)
As much as I want to say I hate
Marianne. I don't. I get her.
Well, I get certain things about
her. She's passionate. Like
myself. She always thinks she's
right. Like myself. And, yeah, I
can kind of understand why she
slapped me that day. Here's what
happened...
INT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY
Marianne, excitedly, runs over to Olive who is just getting
to school and throws her arms around her.
OLIVE (V.O.)
Remember how I said that we were
BFFs for, like, a day. Well,
that's true. It was like we were
sisters all of a sudden.
Marianne can't seem to break the embrace and Olive just goes
with it.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Olive sits in class. Marianne passes a note back to her.
OLIVE (V.O.)
She wrote me a note in first
period.
Olive reads it. It says: Hey girlie! You wanna hang out
after school today? Kisses! Marianne
Marianne looks back and Olive gives her the thumbs up.
Across the room, Rhi sees this exchange and sneers.
INT. CHEMISTRY LAB - LATER
Marianne is working with her partner, Evan. She turns to
Olive behind them and makes a gagging signal behind his back
and laughs silently.
78.
OLIVE (V.O.)
By second period, it was like we
had private jokes.
Olive, unaware of how to respond, gives another thumbs up.
INT. HOME EC CLASSROOM - LATER
Olive sees Marianne come into class, tear-streaked. She runs
over to Olive and again throws her arms around her.
OLIVE (V.O.)
Tragedy struck in third period.
MARIANNE
Micah's in the hospital. He's in
so much pain! The nurse didn't
know what was wrong.
Olive just holds her new friend, as she had the day before.
OLIVE
He'll be okay.
MARIANNE
(Tears glistening in her
EYES)
Really?
Olive guides Marianne's head back to her shoulder.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Marianne's boyfriend, Micah, writhes in pain on a hospital
bed, clutching his crotch. His worried MOTHER (40's) is
beside him, clutching her chest with one hand and trying to
soothe him with the other.
MICAH
It hurts so bad.
A DOCTOR enters, with a satisfied smile and a diagnosis.
DOCTOR
Chlamydia.
Micah and his mother both look up in shock. His mother takes
both of her hands and begins slapping him, uncontrollably.
79.
MICAH'S MOTHER
How did you get chlamydia? Who
have you been sleeping with? Tell
me! TELL ME!
Micah, in pain from the burning sensation and his mother's
hands flying at astonishing speed shouts out:
MICAH
Olive! Olive Penderghast!
His mother's face fills with satisfaction.
INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
Micah's mother is on her cell phone.
MICAH'S MOTHER
(ANGRILY)
Olive Penderghast.
She folds her phone up and slips it into her purse.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
The woman on the other end of the phone -- A WOMAN WITH A
SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA -- who we've seen in the Bryant
family photo, hangs up. Only this time, her smile is a
disgusted grimace.
She picks up the phone and dials a number. She is,
animatedly, talking to the person on the other end of the
line, while Olive narrates.
OLIVE (V.O.)
Fourth period was when Marianne had
office duty. Her duties included
typing, stapling, filing and --
INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY
Marianne is on the phone, listening, with mouth agape.
Undoubtedly, she's just heard from her mother that her
boyfriend has chlamydia.
OLIVE (V.O.)
-- answering the phones.
MARIANNE
CHLAMYDIA!!
80.
She screams so loud that Mrs. Griffin comes out of her
office, a panicked expression on her face.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Seething, Marianne's mother says into the phone --
A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF
MONTANA
Olive Penderghast.
She hears a slam and then a dial tone.
INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Marianne clutches the phone in the cradle with enough force
that it looks like the receiver will shatter in her hands.
Mrs. Griffin looks worried.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Are you okay, hon?
Like a teapot about to start expelling steam, Marianne
quivers in rage. Finally, at boiling point, she shouts --
MARIANNE
THAT --
But her long string of profanities is muffled by the long
ringing of the school bell. Mrs. Griffin is taken aback by
Marianne's umbrage.
As we saw before --
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.
OLIVE (V.O.)
Okay, I exaggerated. We were just
BFFs for, like, a half-a-day.
Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(Clutching her face)
MutherFUCKer!
81.
Rhi, who was loading books in her locker, sees this and
happily slams her locker shut. Breezing past her --
RHIANNON
My sentiments exactly...
OLIVE
(SNIDELY)
Oh, grow up!
But Rhi keeps on walking.
EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY
Micah's on his cell phone, anxiously talking to someone -
checking every few seconds to see if his mom is on her way
out.
MICAH
(Into the cell phone)
I didn't know what to say! I
panicked! I said I got it from
Olive Penderghast.
(Pause.)
I know, but what was I supposed to
say?! And then my mom called her
mom.
(Pause.)
No, not Olive's. Marianne's!
(Pause.)
I already tried to blame it on
their divorce, but my mom's not
buying it. I have to tell them.
(Pause.)
Okay. But I love you. I don't
care if you gave me chlamydia. I
LOVE YOU and I want to be with you
and no one can stop us. Not my
mother, not Marianne, not --
There's a dial tone.
INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Mrs. Griffin has just hung up on her teenage lover and begins
freaking out. She grabs a cardboard box and begins throwing
items into it.
Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office and sees Mrs. Griffin
packing her things.
As we saw before --
82.
MRS. GRIFFIN
(SNAPPING)
What?! What do you want?
Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even
look at her.
MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
Just go!
She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the
box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.
Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know
what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave --
-- and then feels awkward.
OLIVE
I'm sorry, I was just looking for
Marianne. Did she say something
about being mad at me? She just
smacked the shi -- `crap' out of
me.
This makes Mrs. Griffin cry even harder. She attempts to
pull herself together.
MRS. GRIFFIN
It's my fault. I'm so sorry,
Olive.
Olive looks at her, quizzically.
MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
(SOTTO VOCE)
I fucked up. I fucking fucked up
SO fucking bad. I'm a fucking....
Fuck.
OLIVE
Don't get me wrong. I love it, but
I don't think you're supposed to
use those words around a student.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Yeah, well, you're not to supposed
to fuck them, either. But it
didn't stop me.
Olive puts two and two together in her head. She gasps a
little louder than she planned.
83.
OLIVE
You and -- Oh my God. I'm not
judging you or anything, but oh my
God.
(SWITCHING GEARS)
Wait. What does that have to do
with me?
Mrs. Griffin walks over and locks her office door. She
fights back more tears, as she tries to explain to Olive.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
My guidance counselor, who had only
days before armed me with a latex
bulletproof vest, told me that she
had chlamydia and that she had been
screwing around with her office
aide's boyfriend under the guise of
divorce counseling. She confided
in me that she and her husband - my
favorite teacher - were having
marital problems, that they hadn't
slept together in months. She
assured me that she had never meant
for anything to happen with Micah.
She confessed to me how when she
was a child she always dreamt of
being Maria Von Trapp, not Mary Kay
Letorneau. Micah had panicked and
used me as a scapegoat - to save
her job and her marriage. She
assured me that she would make sure
everyone knew the truth and
apologized.
Mrs. Griffin stops talking and waits for Olive to speak.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And I bought it.
Olive gives her a reassuring smile, steps up to the plate and
offers up a solution.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
I could have chlamydia. And I
could easily have given it to
Micah. That time we slept
together. Who knows? Often times
women don't have symptoms and I
have been whoring around....
MRS. GRIFFIN
No you haven't.
84.
Olive looks at her, puzzled by her knowledge.
MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
(LOOKING AWAY)
Because a real whore can't admit it
to herself, let alone others.
She begins to weep.
Olive puts her hand on Mrs. Griffin's shoulder.
OLIVE
Call Micah. Tell him I said he's
an asshole and that he owes me SO
big for this and also the time I
pretended not to see him during a
third grade game of hide and seek.
Tell him I still remember that.
But tell him that I confessed to
giving him chlamydia.
Mrs. Griffin grabs Olive and cries on her.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
And it's not really my place to say
this, but I figure after the
conversation we just had, I can
speak candidly. Your husband is
HOT and while the male adolescent
can fuck like a bunny... who really
wants to fuck a bunny? If I was
you, I'd go home and seduce him and
pretend this never happened.
Olive strokes her guidance counselor's hair.
MRS. GRIFFIN
(SNIVELING)
Do you want some more condoms?
OLIVE
(MATERNALLY)
No, you keep them.
She strokes her hair.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into the webcam --
OLIVE
So, really how could I be angry at
Marianne?
(MORE)
85.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Dude, if some bimbo gave MY
boyfriend an STD, I'd have swung,
but I'd have balled my fist.
(WHIMSICALLY)
My boyfriend.
(She gets lost in the
THOUGHT)
With all the mythical play I was
getting, it's a wonder - and
probably a miracle - that I still
hadn't actually been asked out on a
real date. Guys were clamoring to
claim that they'd slept with me,
but no one was putting the real
moves on me. ***il finally...
EXT. PLAYGROUND - YEARS BEFORE
Two LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS (Olive and Rhiannon) chase a
LITTLE BOY all over the playground, desperate to kiss him.
They plot and plan to corner him, but he's just too fast.
OLIVE (V.O.)
It was really Rhiannon who had a
crush on him. She has since we
were kids.
Rhiannon finally catches him and kiss him on the cheek.
Repulsed, he wipes his face.
Rhiannon and Olive high five each other.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Olive eats her lunch and yuks it up with a table full of
guys. Rhiannon sits at a different table, mostly comprised
of girls, and glares at her from across the room.
The bell rings and the students begin getting up and making
their way toward the exit.
Anson (who we saw earlier with Rhiannon in the hallways)
approaches Olive.
ANSON
Hey Olive.
Olive smiles sweetly at him.
86.
ANSON (CONT'D)
I was wondering if you were busy
tonight. Maybe wanna go out or
something?
OLIVE
(SUSPICIOUS)
What did you have in mind?
ANSON
I dunno. I was thinking about
chartering a hot air balloon,
taking along a bottle of champagne
and fresh fruit and then trying to
impress you with an overzealous
reading of Emily Dickinson.
OLIVE
(COYLY)
Why, Anson, are you inviting me to
accompany you to a romantic dinner
at the Red Lobster?
ANSON
Unequivocally.
OLIVE
(IMPRESSED)
Nice. Yeah. I'll have dinner with
you.
Olive walks off
INT. RED LOBSTER - NIGHT
Olive and Anson sit in a booth at a dimly-lit RED LOBSTER.
Olive looks beautiful. The `A' on her shirt is sequined.
OLIVE
I can't believe you brought me to
the nicest restaurant in town.
This is swank. I was beginning to
think that there was no such thing
as class.
ANSON
Yeah. What's better than getting
to select your dinner and have nice
conversation while they boil it
alive in the back?
87.
OLIVE
I think Anson Jr. doesn't mind
making the sacrifice. You don't
mind that I named him Anson Jr., do
you?
ANSON
Not at all. I'm actually kind of
honored.
OLIVE
Do you believe this whole thing
about lobster being an aphrodisiac?
ANSON
(Lying out his ass)
I didn't know it was.
OLIVE
Y'know, medical science has not
substantiated claims that any
particular food increases sexual
desire or performance. It's so
funny when guys ply women with food
that they think is gonna get them
laid. I mean, what's really sexy
about slurping back oysters? You
know, native people believed that
you gained the strength of the
animal by consuming it. Some
people grind up rhinoceros horn,
because it's thought to stiffen the
male sex organ. It's all bullshit.
And spanish fly? It's pulverized
beetle that people eat! Although,
it's illegal for human consumption
in the United States and do you
know why? Because if you take just
a bit too much, it causes painful
urination, fever and bloody
discharge.
A SERVER appears with their LOBSTER. Anson is an odd shade
of green from Olive's little science lesson.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Yum!
The server leaves them and Olive digs in. Anson is feeling
nauseous and can't touch his.
From across the restaurant, a PARADE OF SERVERS enters from
the back, enthusiastically clapping and holding a cupcake.
88.
Leading the brigade is Meerkat Todd, who's wearing a RED FOAM
LOBSTER HAT.
With as much spirit, as he has as a meerkat --
MEERKAT TODD
I don't know but I've been told!
PARADE OF SERVERS
I don't know but I've been told!
He leads them through to another part of the restaurant.
OLIVE
(TO ANSON)
I didn't know Meerkat Todd worked
here! And he's a lobster! I
wonder if I should start calling
him Lobster Todd.
MEERKAT TODD
Marguerite is getting old!
PARADE OF SERVERS
Marguerite is getting old!
They land at the table of the birthday girl. Olive cranes
her neck to see --
Rhiannon, miserable of course, sitting with her parents at a
table in the next room. Olive immediately becomes uneasy.
OLIVE
Shit!
MEERKAT TODD
The best thing is her dessert is
free!
PARADE OF SERVERS
The best thing is her dessert is
free!
MEERKAT TODD
The worst thing is I sing off-key!
PARADE OF SERVERS
The worst thing is I sing off-key!
Olive is visibly squirming in her seat.
MEERKAT TODD
Sound off!
89.
PARADE OF SERVERS
Happy!
MEERKAT TODD
Sound off!
PARADE OF SERVERS
Birthday!
MEERKAT TODD
Sound off!
PARADE OF SERVERS
Happy birthday to you!
The whole place applauds, unenthusiastically. Anson sees
Olive's discomfort.
ANSON
What's wrong?
OLIVE
Rhiannon's over there.
ANSON
So?
OLIVE
So? She's been in love with you
since the first grade.
ANSON
So?
OLIVE
Well, she's my best friend.
ANSON
I thought you two weren't speaking.
OLIVE
We're not, but it doesn't mean I
should be out with you.
ANSON
Then why are you?
OLIVE
I don't know. You asked me out?
ANSON
Exactly. I have no interest in
her. I mean, we're friends, but --
90.
OLIVE
She can't see us.
ANSON
(DISAPPOINTED)
Do you want me to get the check?
OLIVE
(TOUCHED)
Would you mind?
He gestures for the server who appears.
ANSON
Could we get our check?
SERVER
(CONFUSED)
Is everything okay?
OLIVE
I just remembered I'm allergic to
shellfish. I always forget that my
respiratory system would collapse
and I'd die. It sucks I know.
Even more confused, the server obliges and gives them their
check.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(Digging in her purse)
Let me get it. I have a gift
certificate.
She pulls it out and hands it to the waitress, who leaves.
ANSON
But I asked you out.
OLIVE
And I ruined it, so let me bear the
financial br***.
(Beat.)
I'm so sorry about this. But she
really likes you.
ANSON
She and I just don't have much in
common.
OLIVE
And you and I do?
91.
ANSON
I think so. For instance, I, too
think Nina Howell's a twat.
OLIVE
Yeah, well, if that's our magical
connection, I should date the
entire school.
ANSON
Haven't you?
Olive suddenly becomes self-conscious and a little bit
pissed.
ANSON (CONT'D)
Kidding!
OLIVE
Yeah, about that --
The server reappears with the check.
SERVER
You have a remaining balance of
fourteen dollars and thirty six
cents.
OLIVE
Keep it. Tip.
The sever smiles and leaves them again.
ANSON
Let's get out of here.
They duck out of the booth trying to keep their heads down,
but Olive can't resist the urge to look up and see if
Rhiannon sees them.
She does.
Olive and Rhiannon make eye contact. Whereas, Olive looks
remorseful, Rhiannon looks like she's just been stabbed in
the back -- which she has.
The Abernathys see her, as well, and wave. It's painfully
obvious to Olive that Rhi hasn't told her parents about their
differences. She starts to go over, but Rhiannon's face is
turning vermillion in anger. Olive just waves, sheepishly
and leaves with Anson.
92.
I/E. ANSON'S CAR - RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
Olive's face is painted with guilt. She feels like shit, but
doesn't want to externalize it.
Anson puts his hand on her knee.
ANSON
I have something for you.
Olive manages a smile. He reaches into his pocket and pulls
out a $500 GIFT CERTIFICATE to ANTHROPOLOGIE and hands it to
her.
Olive is disappointed, but tries not to show it.
OLIVE
Oh. I didn't realize --
Snapping out of her guilt.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Okay. So, what did we "do" on this
date?
ANSON
Whatever $500 gets me.
He leans over and kisses her. She pushes him off.
OLIVE
Wait. This isn't how it works. I
don't actually --
But he's kissing her again, a little too forcibly. She
pushes him off again.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
You don't get it. I'm not
technically having sex with people
for money. You know that, right?
Besides, even if I was, we're in
the parking lot of a Red Lobster.
ANSON
We can go wherever you want, but I
think it would be kind of hot here.
He takes off his shirt.
OLIVE
Dude, I gotta go. It's been --
sad.
93.
She gets out of the car. He rolls down the window.
ANSON
Olive, you're being stupid. I'll
take you home.
OLIVE
No thanks.
He drives off, leaving her outside in the parking lot.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Fuck.
As luck would have it, Meerkat Todd, is coming out the back
exit. He sees her and gives her a surprised, toothy grin.
MEERKAT TODD
Hey Olive!
OLIVE
Hey Todd.
MEERKAT TODD
What are you doing here?
OLIVE
Oh, I'm just hanging out in the
parking lot. I do that sometimes.
Not necessarily just here. The one
outside of Applebee's is fun, too.
MEERKAT TODD
(Laughing at her oddness)
You want a ride somewhere?
OLIVE
Nah. I'm fine.
MEERKAT TODD
Your friend Rhi is inside. It's
her Mom's birthday.
Tears begin to glisten in Olive's eyes.
OLIVE
She's not my friend anymore.
Todd walks over and puts his arm around her and leads her to
his car. He opens the door for her and she sits down.
94.
I/E. MEERKAT TODD'S CAR - NIGHT
Olive is trying to pull herself together but she can't stop
crying as Todd drives her home.
Todd doesn't know what to say to her. Finally --
MEERKAT TODD
You wanna talk about it?
OLIVE
What's to say? I'm a horrible
person. Everyone thinks I'm a
whore and, for the first time, I'm
starting to believe it.
MEERKAT TODD
Huh?
OLIVE
Oh, don't act like you don't know
what people are saying about me.
MEERKAT TODD
I know what people are saying.
Doesn't mean I believe them.
OLIVE
Why not?
MEERKAT TODD
Olive, contrary to popular belief,
I'm not an idiot. I know exactly
what's going on and I know exactly
what you're doing.
She stops crying.
OLIVE
Who told you?
MEERKAT TODD
No one had to tell me. All I know
is once upon a time, there was a
scared little kid in a closet at a
party who wasn't ready for his
first kiss and there was this
amazing little girl who lied for
him.
She smiles through her tears.
OLIVE
You remember that?
95.
MEERKAT TODD
Yeah and after I ran out, you
pulled Brandon in. Yeah, I know
about that, by the way.
OLIVE
And look how he turned out.
MEERKAT TODD
Sometimes I still pretend you were
my first kiss.
OLIVE
(LAUGHING)
Yeah? Who was?
MEERKAT TODD
Your friend. Rhiannon.
Olive's laughter turns to rage.
OLIVE
What!?
MEERKAT TODD
Yeah. About a year later. It
sucked.
OLIVE
(Blurting it out)
She knew how I felt about you!
MEERKAT TODD
How do you feel about me?
OLIVE
(IGNORING HIM)
She did it first! And here I am
feeling SOOOO bad and THAT BITCH!
MEERKAT TODD
Wait. How do you feel about me?
OLIVE
(AGGRESSIVELY DEFENSIVE)
Felt! I said FELT!
MEERKAT TODD
(DISAPPOINTED)
Oh.
He stops the car. They're at her house.
96.
OLIVE
(Off his look)
I mean, it's not that I don't still
feel that way.
There's an awkward moment between them.
MEERKAT TODD
Olive. If I promise not to tell
anyone, could I kiss you?
Despite the fact that this is positively the most romantic
moment of her young life, Olive looks down.
OLIVE
No. Not tonight. I don't want you
to kiss me when mascara's running
down my cheek or some shithead has
forced his tongue down my throat
only a half-hour ago. I've wanted
to kiss you since the eighth grade,
but I want it to be perfect. And
right now, my life's a mess. I
need to get it under control before
I drag you into it.
MEERKAT TODD
What if I told you I wanted to be
dragged into it? Maybe I could
help.
He holds out his hand and she takes it.
OLIVE
Now I have a reason to fix this
catastrophe I've brought upon
myself. And I'm going to.
MEERKAT TODD
Okay.
He smiles his goofy grin and she embraces him. She hops out
of the car and goes to her front door.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Into her webcam --
OLIVE
You see, now I had a reason for
things to go back to the way that
they were.
(MORE)
97.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
The truth needed to be told and I
knew I had to go the one person who
could help me. The one person I
could co*** on to set the story
straight. Brandon. I'd helped him
and, even though it would destroy
his new reputation for being a
stud, I knew he would help me.
INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Filling the frame, a GOSSIPY GIRL in braces says --
GOSSIPY GIRL
Oh my God, did you hear that
Brandon ran away from home? Yeah.
Totally. He left his parents a
note that said: `Eff you, I'm gay.'
And then he skipped town with a
big, hulking black guy.
We spin around to see Olive's stunned reaction.
OLIVE
(TO HERSELF)
My apologies to Mark Twain.
GOSSIPY GIRL
Huh?
The reality of the situation begins to weigh on her.
OLIVE
Nothing.
Defeated, Olive makes her way through the crowded halls.
OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It gets worse. Due to his
`condition,' Micah was sent on an
extended visit to his grandparents
in Mississippi.
INT. STUFFY OLD HOUSE IN MISSISSIPPI - DAY
Micah, beyond miserable, sits between his STERN GRANDPARENTS,
who read the Bible to him.
98.
OLIVE (V.O.)
No telephone, no television, no
computer, no internet and - most
importantly - no diseased sexual
partners.
Micah settles in for a very long visit.
INT. UNDER THE BLEACHERS - GYM - DAY
Where they had previously met, Olive pleads with Evan.
OLIVE (V.O.)
I went to everyone I'd helped and
begged them to say it wasn't true.
EVAN
No way. I gave you money.
OLIVE
Please, Evan.
He walks off, leaving her alone.
INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY
Olive waits for Mrs. Griffin's response. There's a long
moment of contemplation on Mrs. Griffin's part. Then --
MRS. GRIFFIN
Olive, life is full of choices. I
made a bad one. But then, so did
you. We both acted unwisely, but I
don't see any other alternative
than to live with the guilt. My
guilt stems from my indiscretion,
yours for lying. We've made our
choices. Now, we have to ride them
out.
OLIVE
(Pissed as hell)
Or I could just tell everyone THE
TRUTH.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Fine, Olive. Let's play the `who
do you believe' game. But, first,
ask yourself, if you were an adult,
who would you believe?
99.
OLIVE
With all due respect, Mrs. Griffin,
you're a fucking c***.
MRS. GRIFFIN
Because you helped me once, I'm not
going to report that to Principal
Gibbons. Now, we're even.
They're locked in a Mexican standoff.
MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
You can go now.
Furious, Olive throws the door open and exits.
INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY
Mr. Griffin is erasing the blackboard, when Olive storms into
the room.
OLIVE
Your wife has chlamydia and she's
been sleeping with a student and
she gave it to him and now she's
trying to blame me.
Shocked, Mr. Griffin drops the eraser.
MR. GRIFFIN
What?
The gravity of what she's just done sinks in and she
stumbles.
OLIVE
I -- I'm sorry. I --
Not knowing what to say, she runs from his classroom.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Olive is mirthless, as she proceeds with her story.
OLIVE
Looking back, that's the thing I
regret the most. That's the thing
that sent me to the church, er,
churches. And that's the thing
that made me realize how profoundly
I'd fucked up.
(MORE)
100.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
And that's something I'll have to
live with for the rest of my life.
With my words, even though they
were true, I ended a marriage. No
kid should have to be burdened with
that.
She contemplates this.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
As we saw before, Olive sits and plays `CONNECT FOUR' with
Mr. Griffin, at his desk. Both are looking beaten down and
very depressed and their minds are on everything but the
game.
Mr. Griffin puts his hand on Olive's.
MR. GRIFFIN
It's not your fault.
Olive gets a tear in her eyes. She puts a RED CHIP in at the
top and loses the game. She reaches over and presses the
lever, causing all of the chips to fall on his desk.
CUT TO:
THE JENGA SET-UP
There's a ridiculously tall tower of blocks and they all fall
down.
CUT TO:
He rakes the chips and the game into his own cardboard box,
full of his things.
He smiles and she hugs him -- intensely, tears quickly
welling up in her eyes.
OLIVE
I'm so sorry.
MR. GRIFFIN
No. It's not your fault.
They just hold each other. Finally, Mr. Griffin pulls away
and takes his things and starts to leave. But then he turns
and says --
101.
MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
I hope that you and Todd end up
okay.
OLIVE
Me too. Where are you going?
MR. GRIFFIN
Not sure yet. Away from her.
OLIVE
Can I come?
They share one last, pained smile and he leaves.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
Hearfelt, into the webcam --
OLIVE
Mr. Griffin, if you ever see this,
just know - I was wrong to tell you
that. In that way. At all. I
don't know. I shouldn't have done
it. I don't feel bad for lying for
your wife. But I hate myself for
telling you the truth. I'm so
sorry.
She wipes away a tear, pulls herself together.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Part Five: Not With a Whimper But
With a Bang.
EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
As we saw before --
The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on
wooden stakes that say things like:
EXPEL OLIVE!
EXODUS 20:14
SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING
OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE
Rhi is among them, as riled up as any.
102.
Olive steps out of the school to see the demonstration. her
jaw drops.
OLIVE
Oh fuck me.
Things have gotten WAY too out of hand.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Olive cries on her bed, clutching her teddy bear. Rosemary
listens, as a good mother does.
OLIVE
So, now everyone who knows the
truth is either gone or won't fess
up. The Cross Your Legs Club is
demanding my head. And the messed
up thing is that I wouldn't put it
past Gibbons to expel me.
ROSEMARY
I had a similar situation when I
was your age.
OLIVE
(IN DISBELIEF)
Everyone called you a whore?
ROSEMARY
Yes. I had a horrible reputation
and people said awful things about
me. But it was true. I was a
slut.
Olive gives her a suspicious look.
OLIVE
I'm waiting for you to say
(Imitating her mother)
`Just kidding!'
ROSEMARY
(EARNESTLY)
No, it's true. I slept with a
whole bunch of people.
OLIVE
Mom!
ROSEMARY
Well! It was a different time.
103.
OLIVE
Ewwww!
ROSEMARY
I did. I got around. Before I met
your father, I was a garden variety
floozy.
OLIVE
Why are you telling me this?
ROSEMARY
Because I endured a similar
lynching because of a certain
dalliance.
OLIVE
I promise that it was no worse than
Marianne Bryant's attack on me.
ROSEMARY
Wanna bet? It was her mother.
OLIVE
Wait, what?
ROSEMARY
Yep. Don Bryant and I got caught
in a very compromising position in
the locker room during a basketball
game.
OLIVE
That's disgusting! He's
disgusting!
ROSEMARY
He wasn't back then. He was
actually pretty handsome. All I'm
saying is that MAYBE the reason
that Bryant girl is going after you
is because her mother told her
about me.
OLIVE
So, the sins of the mother are
revisited on the daughter.
ROSEMARY
There's something else you should
know. This is hard to say but --
Don Bryant is your father.
Marianne is your sister.
104.
Olive turns white.
ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
Kidding!! Well, about the sister
thing, but not about the Don thing.
That happened. Actually that
happened a couple of times before
we got caught.
Olive punches her mother on the arm, who's laughing
hysterically.
OLIVE
I hate you so much right now.
Can't you see I'm a mess!
ROSEMARY
No, you're not, Olive. You're
wonderful. And you're going to
handle this the same way that I
did. With an incontrovertible
sense of humor.
They embrace and Olive gets an idea.
OLIVE
Thanks for the pep talk, Mom. Now
get out. I need to make some phone
calls.
Rosemary looks slightly concerned by the grin on Olive's
face.
INT. GYM - DAY
We join a pep rally, already in progress.
The DANCE TEAM attempts to rile up the school with a rousing
rendition of Michael Jackson's `BAD.'
In the stands, Rhi sits with Marianne and Nina.
MARIANNE
So, Olive wasn't at school today.
She extends her palms to Nina and Rhi, who both slap them.
Marianne puts her arm around Rhi.
MARIANNE (CONT'D)
I'm so glad you're with us now.
RHIANNON
Me too. You guys fucking rock.
105.
MARIANNE
We don't say that word, Rhiannon.
NINA
(HELPFULLY)
Just say `effing' instead. We
effing rock.
Marianne nods in agreement, however Rhi is confused.
RHIANNON
But isn't that just implying the
same word?
MARIANNE
Oh, Rhiannon. We have so much to
teach you. It's okay to imply
things.
Rhiannon looks at her new best friends, who just smile at
her.
The song ends and there's a drum roll.
RHIANNON
Yay! It's time for Meerkat Todd.
(SEXUALLY)
I just want to rip that costume off
him and --
Marianne puts her hand firmly on Rhi's knee.
MARIANNE
Why don't you just not talk for a
while, okay hon?
Rhi puts her head down.
The drum roll ends and Meerkat Todd bounces out in costume.
He jumps around enthusing the student body --
But then he goes out of the gym and reenters pushing a
DUMPSTER.
The familiar chords of the James Bond theme `Nobody Does It
Better' plays from the band.
Meerkat Todd opens the lid of the dumpster and Olive, dressed
in a glittery and slinky RED DRESS, with a BOA draped around
her bare shoulder, pops up and croons with a handheld mic and
slightly different lyrics:
106.
OLIVE
Nobody does it better.
Makes me feel sad for the rest.
Nobody does it half as good as me.
Baby, I'm the best.
Todd lifts Olive out of the dumpster and she sings her ass
off - and she's quite good.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
I wasn't lookin,'
But somehow they found me.
I tried to hide from
Your love light.
But like heaven above me
The guys who loved me
Are keepin' all my secrets safe
tonight.
She winks at the audience. The guys begin to wolf whistle
and howl at her sheer brilliance.
She begins to rub her hands seductively over Meerkat Todd's
furry costume, eventually unzipping it and taking off the
head to reveal:
BLUE DEVIL TODD! The crowd goes wild.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone
could.
Nobody does it quite the way I do.
Why'd I have to be so good?
She sa***ers over to Rhi and kisses her on the cheek, leaving
a big, red lip mark.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
The way that they hold me
Whenever they hold me
There's some kind of magic inside
you.
That keeps me from runnin',
But just keep it comin'!
How'd you learn to do the things
you do?
She sees that Gibbons is not amused, but that doesn't stop
her.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Oh, and nobody does it better.
Makes me feel sad for the rest.
(MORE)
107.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Nobody does it half as good as me.
Baby, baby!
Darlin', I'm the best!
She walks over to a couple of HORN PLAYERS, and runs her
fingers seductively over their (uh) instruments.
The crowd goes wild - some appalled, but most enthused.
Olive sashays through the crowd as the MALE TEENS scream and
stuff money down her bodice.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
Baby you're the best!
Darlin', you're the best!
Baby, you're the best!
The song ends and Olive takes Blue Devil Todd's hand.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(To the student body)
This is just a free preview. For
the main event log on to
www.freeolivep.com tonight at 6
p.m. Now, I know this conflicts
with tonight's basketball game, but
c'mon would you rather be here
cheering on the Meerkats
(Looking at Todd,
LASCIVIOUSLY)
or watch me do one.
There are audible gasps, but excitement nonetheless.
Gibbons angrily storms over and takes the microphone.
PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
(Through gritted teeth)
Young lady, to my office. NOW.
OLIVE
Yeah, I can't. I'm gonna go bang
my boyfriend while the whole school
watches. But good luck with the
game-thing. Go Meerkats.
She plods out, triumphantly.
INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DUSK
The sun is setting as Olive speaks into her webcam. But this
time, we're not seeing it through the lens, but from a
different point in the room.
108.
OLIVE
And here you all are. Waiting
outside the closet door for me to
kiss Todd, listening to me pretend
to have sex with Brandon, paying me
to lie for you, calling probably
the last virgin in school a whore.
Guys. Seriously.
All of a sudden -- from outside and downstairs --
James' `LAID' begins to play.
Olive goes over to the window and sees Todd below, holding up
a BOOMBOX (a la John Cusack) and there's a RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER
(a la Patrick Dempsey) behind him.
Upon seeing this, she bursts into laughter, but it couldn't
be more romantic.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
(SHOUTING DOWN)
Who told you that I loved this
song?
MEERKAT TODD
(SHOUTING UP)
I guessed.
OLIVE
I see you've been watching my live
webcast. It's still going on, you
know.
MEERKAT TODD
Fuck them. They've had enough of
you. Well, figuratively speaking.
I borrowed my neighbor's John
Deere. Come down here.
OLIVE
That rhymed.
MEERKAT TODD
Intentionally.
OLIVE
Be right down.
Olive can't get the smile off of her face as she goes back to
the camera.
We see her through the lens.
109.
OLIVE (CONT'D)
That's Todd. Not that I owe any of
you any more confessions, but I'm
really in love with him. And I am
going to lose my virginity to him.
I'm not sure when. It could happen
five minutes from now or tonight or
six months from now or maybe on our
wedding night, but the really
amazing thing is that it's nobody's
business.
(As an afterthought)
Like, totally.
She turns the camera off.
EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Olive runs out of the house and tackles him, kissing him -
in the front yard,
in broad daylight,
for the world to see.
FADE OUT.
OVER THE END CREDITS...
EXT. GYM - NIGHT
The basketball game is going on to an almost empty gymnasium.
MONTAGE
We see, from the perspective of their computer screens,
various reactions to Olive's webcast --
-- A proud Brandon watches from a hotel room. A MUSCULAR
BLACK GUY in a towel comes up behind him and kisses his neck.
-- The Abernathys watch with the same demented glee they
derive from watching anything.
-- Mrs. Griffin watches with the face of a person who's been
found out and who's days are numbered. They are.
110.
-- Rhi seems contemplative. Maybe it's because she's been in
love with Olive since grade school. Duh.
-- Evan, the fat kid, is doing jumping jacks while watching.
-- Melanie Bostic (the host of the party) watches with a
group of girls.
MELANIE
(SATISFIED)
Told you guys. Pay up.
-- Marianne feels regret. But a little bit impressed.
-- Mr. Griffin is proud of her.
-- Micah watches in his dark bedroom.
MICAH'S GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
Micah? What are you doing in
there?
(STERNLY)
You had better not be on the sin-
ternet.
-- Rosemary and Dill are too busy making out to watch.
-- Anson has a jar of vaseline and is ready to jerk off, but
is upset that she isn't `exposing herself' in the
aforementioned way.
ANSON
(TO HIMSELF)
I thought she was going to take her
clothes off.
EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - HOURS LATER
Olive and Todd are still kissing on the lawn underneath the
stars.
FADE OUT.