Hotel Transylvania/Transcript

• (The film starts with the year 1895 and with Dracula about to wake up his daughter, Mavis, as a baby.)
• Dracula: Peek-a-boo!
• Mavis (Wakes up and starts crying)
• Dracula: No, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean to startle you, my little baby. Shh, shh, shh. (Singing) Hush, little vampire, don't say a word, Papa's gonna bite the head off a bird. (Mavis starts giggling) (Without singing) A-bittle goo-bah! I vant to kiss your tush. I vant to kiss your tush! (Dracula changes Mavis' diaper)
• (A few years later)
• Dracula: [Checking blueprint] Nice, but maybe a little more square footage. I want a lot monsters here.
• [Mavis crawls on the wall.]
• [40 years later, Dracula was playing with Mavis.]
• Dracula: I'm gonna get you, little Mavis. I'm gonna get you! Oy.
• Mavis: What out there?
• Dracula: [grabs Mavis] Oh, we never go out there, ever. [closes the door]
• [In 1982 Dracula was reading Mavis a bedtime story]
• Dracula: "And then the monsters ran away and were forced into hiding. But Harry the Human found them and jumped out from under their bed."
• Mavis: I'm scared!
• Dracula: "And burned their clothes, and ate their toes! And took their candy!"
• Mavis: Don't take my candy.
• Dracula: Babyclaws, you don't need to be frightened. I promised your mommy I would protect you forever. (playing guitar.) ♪ My beautiful May-vay ♪ Let me wipe all your poop away ♪ Those humans are nas-tay ♪ So with Daddy you will stay ♪ And if a human tries to harm you ♪ I'll simply say.. (SNARLING.) ♪ Because you're Daddy's girl ♪ Daddy’s girl ♪ I'm your Vlad-y daddy... ♪ Just bend the legs and push off. Trust me, mouse. Ha-ha!
• Mavis: (turns into bat.) I can fly! I can fly!
• Dracula: Look at you! Faster, baby! Faster! Whoo-hoo! You got it, my little voodoo doll! (Laughing.)
• Builder: Excuse me, sir.
• What? What?
• Ow. I’m okay.
• It's ready.
• Looks good.
• Only monsters can get in? Oh, absolutely.
• It's hidden real nicely.
• You got 400 acres of haunted forest in front of you.
• You got the Land of the Undead on the perimeters.
• Any humans daring to even look over there will run away real quick.
• (Groaning.) But, of course, be smart.
• No bonfires, no firework shows.
• Yeah, yeah, no, no. No fire, I get it, I get it.
• Dracula:It's time, my darling Martha. The place we always talked about for Mavis. No one will ever harm her here.
• (Kids yelping.) Yeah, it's a mess back there.
• Dracula: (Faces us.) Welcome to Hotel Transylvania! Human-free since 1898.
• Your safest destination.
• Take an itinerary.
• I have personally designed a spectacular schedule of events, all leading to my daughter's birthday extravaganza tomorrow.
• We always look forward to coming every year, Count.
• We enjoy the safety so much.
• Of course. That’s why we built it.
• Yes, good evening.
• (Babbling.) Thank you, Marty.
• You look pale, as well.
• Suit of Armor: Sir, sir, sir! We have an urgent plumbing issue.
• Plumbing? On it.
• Mr. Ghouligan! (Groaning.) There is a clogged toilet in room 348.
• (Roaring.) It's okay. We all get stomach aches, Mr. Bigfoot.
• (Groaning.) (Kids cheering.) Hey, kids, reel it in.
• You're only supposed to make Mom and Dad miserable.
• Now, now, is that any way to behave? This is a hotel, not a cemetery.
• Sorry, Uncle Drac.
• Drac! How are ya? Wayne, my old friend! Couldn't wait for this weekend.
• Always great to be out of the shadows for a couple days.
• The family looks beautiful.
• Let me just clean up their filth.
• Housekeeping! (giggling.) Frankie, my boy! Look at you! Still traveling by mail, Mr. Cheapo, huh? It's not a money thing.
• Frank: I have a plane phobia, okay? I mean, at any moment, those engines could catch…
• Fire! Yeah, yeah.
• "Fire bad." We know.
• Augustus, Porridge Head, come on! Does that look like Frankenstein's head? Hey, Drac, buddy, what's going on with your cape there? What do you mean? Oh! Who pinched me? Guilty. You’re irresistible.
• Yes, very amusing, Invisible Man.
• Hello. Great to "see" you.
• Never gets old.
• (Slap!) Ho-ho-ho.
• Griffin: Missed me.
• Missed me, missed me, missed me.
• Okay, you win. Hold this bacon.
• Why am I holding bacon... Ahh! No! Get 'em off! Here comes the party! Hello, Murray! Drac, what's up, buddy? The sand, Murray, the sand! Always with the sand.
• Whee! Wolfie! Wanda! Frank! I love this guy.

• He always bringing it full tilt.
• You’re looking skinny, too.
• Now that you’re just a head.
• Okay, you’ll pay for that.
• So what’s up, Drac? The hotel is looking off the hook.
• Hey, guys, watch this.
• By the way, you were right about those directions.
• Oh, good, good.
• Yeah, I took the Tigris through the Nile, and there was absolutely no traffic.
• You’re kidding me.
• Right in my lobby? Drac, I swear, man, I don’t run like that.
• (SNIGGERING) Housekeeping! I was not the cause of that.
• We’re ready! If only Martha were here to see this.
• She’s always here, Wanda.
• Okay, friends, I am so glad you are here to celebrate.
• Another birthday for my sweet little Mavis, and another successful year of refuge from them! DRACULA: These are recent human images our surveillance has uncovered.
• They are getting fatter so as to overpower us.
• And they are wearing less clothing, allowing more movement to strangle us or cut open our heads and put candy in them.
• But they will never find us here.
• Evil villain, you will never win! Okie doke. The fun starts in 30 minutes.
• Right now, I have to see my little girl.
• She’s not so little anymore!
• Yes, she is!
• EUNICE: What’s going on out there? Are we at the hotel? Frank, did you book us for a tandem massage? Did you get us a table at Hunchback’s? Did you do anything?
• Griffin: You’re welcome.
• EUNICE: What’s going on?
• Dad, you said that when I turned 118, I could go out into the world like every other adult that gets to come and go from this hotel.
• "But, Mavey Wavey, it’s not safe. Bleh, bleh-bleh." Dad, 30 years ago, you promised.
• I remember, we were both eating mice, and you specifically said that you gave me your word.
• Do not disturb.
• Do not disturb.
• Do not disturb.
• Do not disturb.
• Do not disturb.
• Do not disturb.
• Do not disturb.
• Good morning, Your Eminence.
• Maid, clean up this room!
• [Dracula is at the door do Mavis' bedroom]
• Shrunken head: Oh, it's you. Glad you could make it.
• Drac: Is she up yet?
• Shrunken head: Oh, she's up. She's ready to go. And by "go", I mean go. As in, go check the world out. What you gonna do? What you gonna say?
• Drac: I got it covered. Please, relax. Just do your job. [opens the door] Good morning, Mavey-Wavey! Happy Birthday, my little mouse!
• Mavis: [deadpan] Thank you, Dad. I know it's my birthday.
• Drac: I have so much fun planned! Whoo-hoo! But first, we go catch some scorpions together, just the 2 of us, yes, Dead-ums?
• Mavis: Dad, please let me speak. There's something we have to talk about.
• Drac: You want to go out into the world. You can.
• Mavis: Aha! I knew you were gonna say that. But, Dad, you gave me your word, you know that I know that a Dracula's word is sacred. That our trust is the core of our-- Wait, what?
• Drac: I said you can go.
• Mavis: You're just playing with me.
• Drac: No, no, no, no. You're old enough to drive a hearse now, you're old enough to make your own choices. You can go.
• Mavis: Holy Rabies. Holy Rabies! [She hugs him, then rushes to the closet and packs her suitcase. She turns into bat form and starts to fly out the window but...]
• Dracula: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. Wait a second, sweetfangs, where are you going?
• Mavis: Oh, well, I'm going to paradise, and this is just some stuff that I thought I would need.
• Dracula: Paradise?
• Mavis: (turns back into human form.) Yeah, you know. It's the place out there where you and Mom met. Auntie Wanda says you two were just like, Zing!
• Dracula: I don't know from Zing. Where did you find that card?
• Mavis: In one of your drawers. Why won't you ever tell me about how you met?
• Dracula: It's actually Hawaii.
• Mavis: (confused.) Ha-what-what?
• Dracula: Look, honey, I know your excited, but everyone has gone to great lengths to come see you on your birthday.
• Mavis: I know. They always do. [turns back into bat form] But aren't I getting a little old for those parties? I love them, but, I really want to see new things. Maybe meet somebody my age.
• [Mavis begins to pout]
• Dracula: Come on. No, no, don't do that. Don't give me the pouty-bat face.
• [Mavis softly begins to cry]
• Dracula: Okay, there is a human village just a little ways past the cemetery. You could go there and be back in, like, 30 minutes or so. It should be plenty for your first time.
• Mavis: (sighs.) Well, it's not Ha-wee-wee, but I guess it's still technically out there. Okay, okay, okay! (flies back in the window and turns back into human form and hugs her dad.) Thanks for trusting me.
• Dracula: Of course, little one, I gave you my word.
• Hey, honey! Look at this! Hey, guys.
• You excited about tomorrow? Not as excited as I am right now.
• You’re not gonna believe this, but Dad is letting me go out on my own to see a human village! What? No!
• Eunice: Excuse me. Drac! Have you lost it? Letting your own daughter out there with those horrible humans you always tell us about? That’s why you built this place. They hate us. They’re vicious. And they’re very loud!
• Auntie Eunice, maybe they’ve changed.
• I’m just gonna fly down the street and see how it goes.
• Okay, honey, be safe.
• Bring warm clothes and a sword.
• And look out for pitchforks.
• Don’t you let anyone scoop your brains out, either.
• Maybe stay in the shadows.
• It’s more fun to just observe from under a house.
• Guys, guys. She can handle it.
• She’s a Dracula, for Pete’s sake.
• But seriously, watch out for fire.
• Fire bad.
• Bye, everyone.
• Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Drac, I can’t believe how calm you are about her leaving.
• I’m proud of you.
• Drac? Drac? Where did Drac go? MAVIS: Whoo-hoo! This is awesome! There’s the cemetery, just like Dad said.
• MAVIS: Whoo-hoo! Uh… Hello? Anybody out there? Vampire.
• Bite toes! Oh! Hi, humans.
• Everything okay? My name is Mavis Dracula, and I…
• Vampire.
• Burn clothes.
• MAVIS: Burn my clothes? Really? Um…
• Vampire! We take your candy.
• Candy! I’m friendly. I really am.
• Calm down, now.
• Candy.
• I just wanted to say hi.
• (GROANING) (LAUGHING) Please. I’ve never hurt anyone.
• I’m homeschooled.
• Is that garlic? (GASPS) Holy rabies, you’re on fire.
• Can I do anything? Can I help you? Dad was right.
• Dad was right.
• It worked.
• Now my baby will be safe forever.
• All right, everybody, get back to work now.

• Dracula: Hey. You don't need a mannequin.
• Leave the mannequin here. Come on.
• (Grunting.)
• Where you been? Why you sneaking around?
• Dracula: Shh. Quiet.
• Sweetheart, have you returned so soon? Oh. Come in, Dad.
• How'd it go? How was the big world? How was it out there? It was okay, Dad.
• What? What's the matter? Dad, you were right.
• Humans are awful.
• They were everything you said.
• They wanted to bite my toes.
• Your toes? And they had garlic on bread.
• What? Look at me.
• I'm getting goosebumps, I'm so scared.
• I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
• I hate that you had to see that.
• I'm so sorry I doubted you.
• I'll never leave here again.
• Okay. Okay.
• Look, Daddy's going to make you the bestest birthday ever.
• Look what I brought you.
• Your wormcakes.
• Don't be sad anymore.
• Remember, this is the year we open Mommy's present for you.
• What did she get me? We'll see.
• She said never to open until you're 118.
• We've waited this long.
• You eat your wormcakes.
• You come down whenever you're ready, honey.
• Phew.
• Ooh.
• What did you do? What I had to.
• Mm-hmm.
• She'll thank me one day.
• Yeah, that's what the guy who shrunk my head said.
• Ahh.
• Yes, what do you want, a cookie? You did all right, man.
• Move on already.
• Jonathan: (Groaning.) Phew! Yeah.
• Mobs: Vampire! Vampire!
• Dracula: A human. Who are you? And how did you find this place?
• Johnny: Oh, I'm Jonathan. And I was just mountain climbing with some dudes...and heard this story about a spooky forest. (in flashback; he pictures someone.) And who's not going to go into a spooky forest, right? So, then I see these goofy-looking dudes on fire. And I just kind of followed them to this, like, amazing castle.
• But, of course, be smart.
• No bonfires, no firework shows.
• How many of you are there? Just me.
• I like to hit it alone.
• You meet so many awesome people in the youth hostels.
• Hey, speaking of awesome, that cape thing is killing it.
• Is there, like, a costume party here?
• Dracula: What have I done?! This is all my fault! You have to leave! [hovers Jonathan] Oh, no.
• WOMAN: Excuse me. One of your piranhas in the lake is very rude. He ate my sister-in-law.
• Be right with you.
• Mr. Dracula, we asked for a room with a view of the pool.
• The room’s fine. We want to book a massage.
• Yes, Swedish.
• Shiatsu.
• Aromatherapy.
• Lower back.
• Do you have hot-stone? We want a massage.
• I’ll get back to you, Mr. Hydraberg.
• I hope so.
• I doubt it.
• See that you do.
• That’s Ms. Hydraberg.
• Thanks.
• Yes, nice to see you.
• Johnny: Dude, seriously, what’s up? It’s kind of funky to breathe under here.
• Drac. Hey, Drac. How’d it go with Mavey? Hey. Where’d you go?
• Johnny: Wow! This room’s kind of small for a big castle. No bed, but check out these awesome dustpans they give you.
• Dracula: Quiet, you fool! What weapons are you keeping in this container? Your pitchforks...? [sniffs] Oh! I can’t breathe. It’s killing me!
• Johnny: Yeah, definitely due for a fluff and fold.
• Dracula: What is this? A torture device? A secret mind controller!? You won’t read my thoughts. I won’t let you!
• Johnny: Dude, it’s just music. Here, try it. [manages to take his headphones on Dracula's ears and it plays "Sexy And I Know It"]
• Dracula: Ohh! It’s taking my soooooouuull! Aaaahh!!!
• Johnny: What?! But it’s a good jam! Don’t be a grandpa.
• Dracula: You need to go. No human has ever entered this castle. And if someone should see you, the safety of the hotel, the sanctuary, no one would ever come again!
• Johnny: Aw yeah! Go for it! "Ever come again"! I love your Dracula voice. It’s so over the top!
• Dracula: And Mavis... If she saw you, she would know that I lied. No!
• Johnny: Who’s Mavis? Is this her room? I’m good with a roommate. I had six brothers growing up, so I could totally share.
• Dracula: I can’t kill him. It would set monsters back hundreds of years.
• Johnny: One time, in Hamburg, I roomed with this dude who I caught stealing my shampoo.I said, "Whoa, man," and he threw a flower pot at me, but he was cool.
• Dracula: What are you babbling about?
• Johnny: What? Whoa! Check out these awesome costumes.
• Dracula: Costumes.
• Johnny: What’s this? Sorry, man. I just can’t be without my backpack. You know, everything I owns in there.
• Dracula: It’ll be right here.
• Johnny: Okay, It's just… I love my backpack.
• Johnny: Whoa. Hey, what are you doing? What are you-- What are you doing to my hair? Stop! Oh, wait, that tickles! Come on, man.
• [later Dracula comes out with Johnny now dressed as a Frankenstein.]
• Johnny Check it out, I’m a Franken-homie!
• Dracula: Yes, hello.
• Johnny: Look at me!
• Dracula: This is totally normal, not a problem here. This is just a monster with me.
• Johnny: Man, everybody stepped it up tonight. Wait, why are we going to the front door? Are we leaving?
• Quasimodo: Bonjour, Dracula!
• Johnny: Hey, Sniffy. What’s going on?
• Dracula: Not right now, Quasimodo.
• Quasimodo: What? No. Don’t be absurd. It’s not a human, but Monsieur Dracula.
• Dracula: How ridiculous. It’s me.
• Quasimodo: Monsieur. They're deviled lizard fingers!
• Dracula: Deviled lizard fingers?! I asked for spleens-in-blankets!
• Quasimodo: You ugly fool! I told you, he doesn't like the lizard fingers!
• Gargoyle Waiter: But you said... [Quasimodo slams the plate on top of his head]
• Johnny: [sees Skeleton Wife and approaches her] Whoa! Check that costume out! Wow, seriously, I just have to ask: how are you pulling this off? I mean, it looks so real, like, [Reaches his hand through her chest] I could just reach my hand through and...
• [Skeleton Wife shrieks and slaps Jonathan]
• Skeleton Husband: [appears; angrily to Jonathan] What do you think you're doing?!
• Johnny: [frightened with realization] Uh-- She's... She's real! You're real!
• Skeleton Husband: Yeah, and I'll give you a real beating! Keep your hands outta my wife! [slaps Johnny and he bumps into Big Foot, then he looks up to see his face and starts shrieking]
• Dracula: [hears Jonathan screaming and turns to see he's not behind him anymore] Oh, no. [heads out to find him]
• Johnny: [realizes the monsters around him are real; hysterically] AAAAAAAAHH!!!
• Ay-yi-yi-yi! (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING) (SQUEALING)
• Wanda: Honey, I just didn’t know where you were. We thought you were still out.
• Mavis: Oh, no. I don’t know why I ever wanted to leave. The humans are so boring.
• [Jonathan crashes into Mavis, then they look into each other's eyes and they feel a "zing"; Dracula gets in the way]
• Dracula: Mavis, honey, are you all right?
• Mavis: Yeah, I think so. That was weird.
• Johnny: [groaning] Ohh... My head hurts.
• Mavis: Um, who is that?
• Dracula: [nervous] Who is what? Oh! Oh, that? That is a nobody.
• Mavis: Seriously, Dad?
• Johnny: [hysterical] "Dad"?
• Mavis: Yeah, I know. Dracula's daughter. Everybody freaks out a burst.
• Johnny: "Dracula"?!
• Dracula: Okay, we gotta go.
• [he quickly takes Johnny away, leaving Mavis completely suspicious. Dracula opens the door to his bedroom and Jonathan screams in horror]
• Johnny: Please don't kill me! I'm so young! I have so many places I want to see! I've got tickets to 6 Dave Matthews Band concerts! I'm getting out of here!
• [Johnny opens the cellar door and Glen from off screen roars at Johnny potentially to make him scream and forcing him to go back up]
• Dracula: [to Johnny] Shut up, already. It's impossible for me to think with all your noise. Sorry, Glen! Go back to sleep! [closes the cellar door and Glen roars down the bottom in reply]
• Johnny: Wait. Aren’t you going to suck my blood?
• Dracula: Classic human paranoia. Human blood is so fatty, and you never know where it’s been.
• Johnny: So, Dracula doesn’t drink blood?
• Dracula: No, I use a blood substitute. Either Near Blood or Blood Beaters. You can’t tell the difference.
• Johnny: So, wow, you’re, like, the real Count Dracula. Like, "I’m Dracula. Bleh, bleh-bleh."
• Dracula: I’ve never said that in my life. "Bleh, bleh-bleh." I don’t know where that comes from.
• Johnny: Uh, can I just ask, what exactly is this place?
• Dracula: What is this place? [goes to the window opens it and speaks in a dramatic manner] It is a place I build for all those monsters out there lurking in the shadows, hiding from the persecution of human kind. A place for them and their families to come to and free themselves. A place void of torches, pitchforks and angry mobs! A place of peace, relaxation and tranquility.
• Johnny: Cool, so it's like a hotel for monsters?
• Drac: [pause; slightly annoyed] Yes, exactly. A hotel for monsters. Way to sum it up. Okay, hop on my back, we're leaving.
• Johnny: Oh, man, you’re a bat now. I always wanted to fly. What’s it like? This is insane. Wait. Wait, I want to stay. Can Frankenstein sign my costume? Can I meet the Invisible Man? Hey, if I stuck my hand in the Invisible Man’s mouth, would it disappear?
• [Drac, in bat form, is carrying Jonathan and heads out the window]
• Mavis: [suddenly appears] Hi!
• Dracula: [surprised] Mavey! Wh-What are you doing, my sweet little blood orange? Our friend was just leaving.
• Johnny: Yeah, he was flying me out the window.
• Dracula: [nervously laughs, then takes Johnny back inside] This guy is so funny. [turns into human and moves Jonathan away from the window] Oh, look there's something on your face. [to Johnny, in a soft tense tone] Play along if you ever want to see your precious backpack. [Mavis flies in through the window and turns back into her human form]
• Johnny: [amazed] Whoa. So, wait, you didn't have any clothes on when you were a bat? Or were they bat-sized?
• Mavis: [looking slightly freaked out] Who exactly is that?
• Dracula: Mmmmmm.... [thinking of a lie] Honey bat, you see, it's your birthday, and, you know, I want you to have the bestest, specialist party of your life. So... well... I... needed some help.
• Mavis: You needed help?
• Dracula: Well, look, I am pretty good, but I thought that it would be even more bestest, specialist if someone closer to your age helped plan the party.
• Mavis: [excited, to Johnny] You're my age?
• Johnny: Sure! Uh, well, how old are you?
• Mavis: A hundred and eighteen.
• Johnny: [surprised] A hundred and--?! [Dracula elbows him] Uh! [strained] Yeah... I'm 121.
• Mavis: [excited] Really?
• Johnny: [nods] Mm-hmm.
• Dracula: [to Mavis] You see? Everything is very, very normal. I'm throwing a party and he is helping.
• Suit of Armor: Sir, there's an emergency!
• Dracula: Not now. Can't you see we're in the middle of something very normal here?
• Mavis: Wait, what's going on here? There's an emergency in your precious hotel, and you're not running to fix it? Why? Is it because of him?
• Johnny: Whoa, look at my face! [making fun of Suit of Armor]
• Dracula: No, precious bones, it's not because of him.
• Mavis: Good. Then go check on the emergency. And I'll keep him company.
• Dracula: No! Anything but that!
• Mavis: What?
• Dracula: I mean... because he needs time to plan. And if you're keeping him company, then he's not planning. He's, uh, company-keeping. And then the plan, it doesn't get planned.
• Shrunken Head: Mm-hmm. Good one.
• Dracula: Shut up!
• Mavis: Okay. So, maybe if you’re not planning later, we can hang out.
• Johnny: Sounds good!
• Dracula: Yes. You hear that? It sounds good. So you will hang out. See you later, my honey. Love you. Okay, you’re not hanging out. Because you are leaving.
• Johnny: But the opposite, you said.
• Suit of Armor: But sir, the emergency!
• Dracula: Follow me. [he and Johnny run off]
• Suit of Armor: Boy, that kid smelt.
• Johnny: Where are we going?
• Dracula: Just getting rid of you through a secret tunnel so she does not see us.
• Johnny So, can I ask you a question? Is that real, about the garlic thing?
• Dracula: Yes, I cannot have it. My throat swells.
• Johnny: Huh. Wooden stake to the heart?
• Dracula: Yeah, well, who wouldn't that kill?
• Dracula: Ah. Here we go. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m a little lost. Yes, I know it’s your honeymoon. I apologize. Go back to doing what you were doing.
• Dracula: I’m not down here much. It’s meant to be an exit if humans ever invade.
• Johnny: So, I’m, like, the first human here, huh? That’s really cool.
• [Drac and Johnny are in the catacombs, and Dracula sees another door]
• Drac: Oh, boy. I think this is it. [opens the door and it shows the Skeleton Wife having a shower]
• Skeleton Wife: [notices them] Ahhh! What happening?
• Dracula: [gasps] I am terribly sorry! Uh, my mistake!
• Skeleton Husband: [bursts in] What is wrong with you people?! [throws a loofah at Dracula and closes the door]
• [Drac and Johnny are walking in the catacombs trying to find a way out]
• Johnny: Oh, man, this place is amazing!
• Drac: Okay, I could really use some silence right now.
• Drac: All right, third time’s a…
• Frankenstein: Drac.
• Dracula: Yes, Frankie?
• Frank: Hey, buddy, what you been doing?
• Drac: [to Jonathan] Don't move. [to Frankenstein] Never mind that. What you been doing?
• Wayne: We wanted to practice our big number for Mavis' party, and then these losers wouldn't get off the bandstand.
• Drac: Okay. Put down Zombie Mozart, Bach and Beethoven this instant.
• [Frank, Murray and Wayne throw them]
• Drac: [to Zombie Beethoven] Did you get to rehearse at all, Zombie Beethoven?
• Zombie Beethoven: Eh eh eh eh.
• Wayne: Listen Drac, we wanted to play something, like old times. We even thought maybe you'd sing with us.
• Drac: Come on, fellas. You know that I haven't sung in public since Martha.
• Frank: Yeah, but we just thought how much, you know, Mavis would love it.
• Drac: I said no! [roars with his monster face] Don't ask me again! Okay. Now, let's hug the zombies. Let's all make up.
• Wayne: [to Frank] Wow. He really scared you.
• Frank: I wasn't scared. I was being polite, okay?
• [Mavis appears.]
• Mavis: Hey. What are you doing here? I thought you were planning.
• Johnny: I never caught your name.
• Mavis: My name’s Mavis.
• Johnny: Mavis? That’s a pretty neat name.
• Mavis: Yeah, my mom picked it. So, are you going to tell me your name?
• Johnny: Me? My name? Good question. Well, obviously, I’m Frankenstein.
• Mavis: No, you’re not. Frankenstein is my uncle over there. The gentleman hugging Zombie Mozart.
• Johnny: Right. Of course, he’s your uncle. Well, see, I’m not "the" Frankenstein. I’m his cousin... Johnny-Stein?
• Mavis: Johnny-Stein?
• Spider: Hey, Mavis!
• [Johnny-Stein screams as he stepped right out of the opening. Frank spots Johnny-Stein and threateningly advances toward him, and Dracula gets in his way]
• Frank: [to Drac] Who is that? [points at Johnny]
• Johnny-Stein: [whispering to Drac] Are these monsters gonna kill me?
• Drac: [whispering to Johnny] Not as long as they think you're a monster.
• Johnny-Stein: Huh? That's kinda racist.
• Drac: We'll talk later.
• [Jonathan, in his Johnny-Stein disguise, is imitating Frankenstein]
• Frank: Is-- Is he making fun of me?
• Dracula: No, no! Of course not, because he's... [stops Johnny from imitating]
• Mavis: He's your cousin, - Johnny-Stein.
• Drac: [Playing along] Yes, yes, yes!
• Frank: I don't have no cousin.
• Dracula: No, no, you do. He's your 6th cousin; 3 times removed.
• Johnny-Stein: [Hold's up his right arm] On your right arm side.
• Frank: [to his right arm] You have a cousin?
• Drac: Frank, if your arm can talk, it would tell you that the original owner of your arm had a brother...
• Johnny-Stein: ...Who married a woman....
• Drac: ...Who was... [Makes killing gesture]
• Johnny-Stein: ...For strangling a pig.
• Frank: I have pig strangling blood in my arm?! That's kinda cool. Well, Cuz, great to meet you. [shakes Johnny's hand, but his whole body's shaken multiple times hitting the floor]
• Mavis: [Giggles]
• Griffin: [approaches Johnny] So, what brings you here, Johnny?
• Johnny-Stein:[frightened] Woah! What was that?!
• Griffin: Oh, sorry. I should really clear my throat when I speak. Anyway, what brings you here?
• Johnny-Stein: [nervous] Oh, uh... Party Planner?
• Drac: Yes! I've recruited Mr., uh... Stein here to help me with Mavis' birthday party.
• Murray: Wait a minute. You asked someone to help you?
• Wayne: Captain Control Freak?
• Dracula: It's "Count"... [scoffs] And yes, I thought having a Mavis contemporary would be useful.
• Johnny-Stein: Yeah, he totally needed a fresher perspective. [Dracula glares at him]
• Wayne: Okay, Johnny, Mr. Tight Coffin over here was planning to have these powdered lame-o's play at the party.
• [Zombies sigh]
• Frank: So, anyways, we thought we could liven things up a bit.
• Johnny-Stein: Whoa! You all play? Let's check you guys out!
• [Frank and Murray are singing]
• Frank: Girl I can't believe it's your big night.
• [Griffin is playing the drums]
• Murray: Seems like only yesterday you were eating mosquitos.
• Wayne and Griffin: But now your eating frogs and mice.
• Frank: Scarfing them down like Doritos.
• All: Tell me where did the time go, girl
• Johnny-Stein: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on guys. Stop. That's cute, but kind of old school.
• Dracula: Yes, thank you, Johnny.
• Johnny-Stein: You got to totally tempo things up. Here let me show you. Werewolf man, give me a jam!
• [Wayne gives Johnny a "jam"]
• Johnny-Stein: Two, three, four! [singing] Vampire girl with the fangy fangs
• Hair real cute with the bangy bangs
• Little princess gonna be a queen
• Legal bat lady turning 118
• Audience: 118!
• Johnny-Stein: Say 118!
• Audience: 118!
• Johnny-Stein: Yeah! Stage dive! [stage dives to the floor] Awesome!
• Mavis: I'm so blown away right now!
• Frank: I think my cuz is gonna make this... [shouting] ...the best party ever!
• Murray: Yeah! Maybe he can find a way to get me some chicks.
• Audience: We should do a dance contest.
• Drac: We're not doing any of that! We've got to stay on schedule. Alright?
• Mavis: [To Drac] Alright, Dad! Alright. [to Johnny] Johnny, you're coming, too?
• Johnny-Stein: I don't know. Is it cool with Dracula?
• All: Johnny, come with us.
• Skeleton: N-27.
• Monster: N-27.
• Skeleton: G-61.
• Monster: G-61.
• Eunice: Bingo! Bingo! How dare you! Do you know what doctor made me?
• Elderly Gremlin: I didn’t do that.
• Circles? Fly? Hands? Film.
• Vomit.
• The Vomit? The Throw Up.
• Fly: No. That wasn’t a clue.
• Nothing? Emptiness? Glasses? Glasses? Glasses shaking? Glasses shaking sideways! Through The Looking-Glass?
• Griffin: I stink at this.
• (SIGHS) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) I didn’t do that.
• FLY: And pull it back. And up. And push.
• And twist. And back.
• And up. And twist.
• And push.
• No. Don’t copy that.
• And back. And up. And twist.
• Let me get a bubonic moose nose omelet with cockroach paste and mouse jelly.
• And with egg whites.
• Quasimodo: Bonjour, Monsieur Dracula! May I make you an omelet?
• Dracula: No, no, no, no. I’m not hungry.
• Quasimodo: What? Esmeralda, you smell it again?! Human!!
• Dracula: I am hungry. [slaps Esmeralda]
• Eunice: Johnny, you’ve been to the Taj Mahal?
• Murray: Come on. No monster’s been to the Taj.
• Mavis: Man, I wish I could go there.
• Dracula: You know what? I’ll take 50 omelets.
• Quasimodo: You heard the man! Make them!
• Mavis: How did you deal with the mobs?
• Johnny-Stein: Yeah, it does get pretty crazy in the summer, but you know, you just gotta roll.
• He just rolls. That’s cool that he rolls.
• Yes, yes, cool.
• Look, love droppings, I brought you a bagel with your favorite, scream cheese.
• (SCREAMING)
• Mavis: Holy rabies! Thanks, Dad! Johnny, try some scream cheese, it’s awesome.
• Johnny: Oh, cool. But I’m scream cheese intolerant. So, polite pass.
• Dracula: [to Johnny] Yes, of course you are. Johnny, can we party-plan talk for a minute? [whispering] What are you doing? If they find out you're human, they’ll go bat-poop!
• Johnny-Stein: Relax! No one suspects anything. The only thing that looks weird is how much whispering you’re doing.
• Dracula: Just wrap it up! You will say you are going in the pool and act excited. And then you will say you hurt your back and you have to leave!
• Johnny-Stein: Here come good times! WHOO! Oh, dudes--! Oh, my back.
• Monster #1: I’m on your back!
• Dracula: No, no, he said, "Oh, my back"!
• Monster #2: Get on my back!
• Mavis: Let’s do it.
• Johnny-Stein: Aw, here we go. Chicken fight! Push you off.
• Monsters: [except Johnny] Chicken fight!
• Mavis: We got you, Johnny. You’re going down.
• Johnny-Stein: Oh, yeah, we’ll see, "Mavey Wavey"!
• Dracula: Okay, calm down with the fight chickens! Everyone, stop the roughhousing!
• Eunice: Frank, if you hurt yourself…
• Frankenstein: I got it, honey. The Stein boys are bred for this kind of thing. GERONIMO!
• Wayne: [sneaking around] Eh-heh-heh. [pulls the swimsuit off Griffin as a prank]
• Griffin: AAH! Kids, why’d you do that?! I was just in the pool! The water’s cold. Don’t judge me! [runs away]
• Dracula: Johnny! Your makeup. Your makeup! Timeout. Now.
• Johnny-Stein: Oh, man! I guess the Count wanted to go for a swim.
• Johnny-Stein: Cannonball!
• [Dracula sucks up the water and freezes Johnny. He then puts Blobby down and unfreezes Johnny and he falls safely on Blobby. He then gives a thumbs up and Dracula frowns. Scene cuts to the cemetery.]
• Dracula: Oh, you messed up, man. You messed up big-time. I told you to take it down. You’ll ruin my hotel if they find out.
• Johnny-Stein: Well, maybe you’re just jealous that people are finally making fun of this place.
• Dracula: Oh, that? That was not fun. Everyone running, jumping, swimming with no order. That was the opposite of fun.
• Johnny-Stein: Do you even know what fun is?
• Dracula: I invented fun!
• Johnny-Stein: Boy, the wrong people get to be immortal.
• Dracula: Look at me. You remember nothing of this encounter. You have no memory of this place or the monsters you met. Now go and never return.
• Johnny-Stein: Wait, never return to the hotel?
• Dracula: What? You were supposed to forget the hotel. I just used my powers to erase your memory. I looked straight into your eyes!
• Johnny-Stein: Huh. Oh, maybe it’s the contact lenses.
• Dracula: What?!
• Johnny-Stein: These little plasticky doodads that help me see better. Here, let me just try and get them out real quick.
• Dracula: Oh, that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
• Johnny-Stein: Almost got it.
• Dracula: Stop doing that! Please stop doing that! Fingers away from the eyeballs! Enough! Listen to me. You are never to return here. You are to stay away and never tell humans about this place. Or I will track you down and suck every ounce of blood from your body until you look like a deflated whoopee cushion! Be gone.
• [Dracula just forced Johnny to leave and then he disappears]
• Johnny-Stein: [Scoffs] I can't believe I'm leaving, man. I could've been so great! Dude, you ruined everything! Suck my blood..? Should've said, "I'm staying, old man!" Give him a Bruce Lee kick. Boom! Right in the-- [A bat appears] Aah! Oh, my God! Count Dracula! Please don't kill me! I'm leaving, I'm leaving! [Looks up and the bat turned out to be Mavis, who is now in human form] Oh.
• Mavis: [softly] Follow me.
• Johnny-Stein: Oh... no... No, Mavis. I can't. I have to leave.
• Mavis: You sure? It'll be fun.
• Johnny-Stein: Okay.
• Johnny-Stein: He’s not gonna see me, is he? Whoa.
• Johnny-Stein: Wow, would you look at the view from up here! You could almost see Budapest.
• Mavis: Who-da-pest? Is that near Ha-wi-fi?
• Johnny-Stein: Huh? Oh, you mean Hawaii. Yeah, that place is a knockout. I just went to a music festival there.
• Mavis: A human music festival?
• Johnny-Stein: Uh, I believe so.
• So, did they all bite your toes and shove garlic bread in your face?
• Johnny-Stein: No. Well, one dude took a bigger bite out of my energy bar than I expected, but I blame that on the heat.
• Mavis: It’s amazing. You’ve been everywhere.
• Johnny-Stein: Well, you know, what’s the alternative? Just staying at home, never exploring, never seeing what’s out there? I’m only gonna be 121 once, right? Got to live it.
• Mavis: Yeah.
• Johnny-Stein: Oh, man. The sunrise from here must be amaze.
• Mavis: Ow!
• Johnny-Stein: Oh, I’m sorry. Man, you’ve probably never even seen a sunrise, have you?
• Mavis: No, not really. Why?
• Johnny-Stein: Come on. I have an idea. Watch.
• [The sun rises in front of Mavis and Johnny]
• ...
• [Dracula and his friends are relaxing in the sauna talking to each other]
• Dracula: Didn’t I tell you guys we’d have fun in here? Is this not the best?
• Wayne: Yeah, I’m working up a nice sweat. When's that Johnny kid gonna be done party planning? He's a great hang.
• Frank: Yeah, he's an animal. And it was so nice seeing Mavis laughing and hitting it off with him.
• Dracula: [in denial] Who's hitting what off? Please! Mavis could never be with... someone of his kind.
• Frankenstein: I'm sorry? "His kind?" Are you saying our kind's not good enough for you? [taking it personally] "Your lordship?"
• Drac: No, no, no! Frank, I didn't... I meant that she wouldn't be into someone with... uh... such, red, curly hair.
• Griffin: [getting upset] Uh... What's wrong with red, curly hair?
• Drac: Why are you getting upset?
• Griffin: [angrily] I have red, curly hair!
• Dracula: Well, how was I supposed to do that?!
• [Outside; Jonathan and Mavis are watching the sun rising]
• Mavis: This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen. [Jonathan then steps on a roof and falls inside down] ...Johnny?!
• Dracula: [In a later scene; Nervous] Look, settle down, fellas. This is all a moot point. You see, Johnny... He left.
• Murray: [insulted] Wait a minute, he left?
• Dracula: Yes! He decided he didn't like Mavis, or any of us.
• [Johnny-Stein falls through the roof after having a romantic scene with Mavis, and lands on Dracula's lap; Dracula is scared at first, then gives Jonathan an angry glare; smiles nervously]
• Johnny-Stein: Hi...
• Frankenstein: Hmm. I guess Johnny had second thoughts.
• Dracula: I can’t believe you stuck around, man. You don’t get it! Bad things are coming your way. I got to get my thoughts together! [in relief] Okay. You see these tables? You can spend the entire day pulling them out and placing them, party planner.
• Johnny-Stein: Well, fantastic. I’m trapped here. Now I know how your daughter feels.
• [Jonathan pushes the table with a loud scratch]
• Dracula: Enough! Enough! Stop! Go to your corner, you're in a timeout!
• Johnny-Stein: Timeout?! I'm a grown man!
• [Dracula throws Jonathan away to the corner, puts a thumb on Jonathan's mouth, spins Jonathan around to look at the wall and makes Jonathan sit down]
• Dracula: Okay. [claps hands] Table 57, please move to position 23. [table 57 flies]
• Johnny-Stein: Whoa! That. Is. Cool.
• Dracula: [offscreen] Face the wall. [back on-screen] 17 to 48. 16 to 47. 19 to 50.
• Johnny-Stein: Awesomeness.
• Dracula: Just let me do my work already! 29 to 35. 42 to 18. 10 to 44. 39 to 24.
• Johnny-Stein: 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23...? 36 up!
• Dracula: 29 to 35.
• Johnny-Stein: Whoa! Ha-ha! Whoa! Ha-ha-ha!
• Dracula: 31 to 19.
• [Johnny falls down and lands on the other table]
• Johnny-Stein: 24 up!
• Dracula: Seven to 25. 14 to 30.
• Johnny-Stein: Oh, where’d you go, grandpa?
• Dracula: Don’t freak out, gravity face.
• Johnny-Stein: Eat my dust, gray face!
• Dracula: 56 and 43, to my side.
• Johnny-Stein: Whoo!
• Dracula: Prepare to cry, Billy Backpack.
• Johnny-Stein: That’s how we do a half-pipe, baby!
• Dracula: [sarcastic] Whatever.
• Yes. Keep smelling.
• You catch the human, and then I will make human potpie! DRACULA: 27, 45, 65, 76, 48, block his path.
• Block his path! (DRACULA LAUGHING) Whoa-ho! Oh, come on now, dude man! Nice! (MURMURING) Haha! Whoa-ho-ho! I got you, buddy.
• Do not disturb! People trying to sleep here! (SCREAMS)
• Dracula: (LAUGHS) Did you see that? Who is that guy, Sir Breaks-a-lot? Oh, boy, I have to say... THAT was fun. Okay? The fun you were talking about earlier? Nailed it! Johnny? Quasimodo! [runs after Mavis] Mavis?? Why are you still up? The sun is out. It could kill you, my honeyguts.
• Mavis: I couldn’t sleep. Do you know where Johnny went?
• Dracula: I don’t know. He… Why do you want to know?
• Mavis: Oh! Uh…
• Dracula: Do you like him?
• Mavis: What? Pfft! No! Come on, Dad. He’s so weird and awkward. It’s like, are you an idiot, or do you know you’re adorable?
• Eh… Hold that.
• Do you have a location on Quasimodo? Yes, sir.
• They’re heading through the lobby, towards the kitchen.
• I need them stopped immediately.
• Is that clear? Yes, quite.
• We are on it.
• Ha-ha! Missed! What is the meaning of this? Let me pass! Quasimodo Wilson, you are coming with us.
• Why did that hurt me? Look, honey, there’s no falling in love at your age.
• Mom was my age. Eunice says Mom kissed you first ‘cause you were too scared to make the first move.
• Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• Forget about me and Mom and kissing.
• Dad, at some point, I’m going to get married.
• I can’t be here forever.
• What? Why not? You’re barely out of your training fangs.
• (SNARLING) Ha-ha! Quasi wins again! When you bump with the hump, you land on your rump! But why all the sudden interest? Every time we used to talk about love, it was always, "Ooh, Dad, that’s gross," and "Ooh, Dad, I don’t want to know about that." (SIGHS) I don’t know.
• Sir, he made it into the kitchen.
• He what? What do I pay you for? I’m sorry, honey. I have to go.
• He doesn’t pay me.
• Johnny-Stein: [gasps hysterically] Before you kill me, can I please beg my backpack one more time? I don’t want to leave anything unresolved.
• Quasimodo: Bonjour, Monsieur Dracula!
• Drac: Shut your hump hole.
• Quasi: Now you are helping him? What is it with you and this human?
• Dracula: He is not a human. He’s a Stein!
• Johnny-Stein: That’s right, little man, I’m a Stein!
• Quasimodo: If he is a monster, let him scare Esmeralda!
• Dracula: The mouse? Pfft! Without a doubt.
• Johnny-Stein: Okay. Here we go. Blargh! Bleegh! Blargy-bliggy-blargh!
• (SQUEAKS) (SCREAMS) A human! A human! Monsieur Dracula has brought a human into the…
• (MUFFLED) Esmeralda, help me.
• Hey, thanks for saving me back there.
• That guy’s crazy! Trying to eat me.
• That’s only happened to me one other time. This weird dude at a Slipknot concert.
• There’s something I need to show you.
• Johnathan: Wow. Hey, are we at a funeral right now? Oh, wait, no, it’s your bed. So creepy and cool. (GASPS) Wow! I know her! I’ve seen that picture at the ruins of Lubov. That’s my favorite castle. There’s a whole legend around that lady.
• Dracula: A legend?
• Johnny The Lady Lubov. The story is that a lonely count met her by chance, and they say that no two souls were ever more meant for each other. Eventually, they settled down at Castle Lubov and had a child. But then, a horrible tragedy happened. A fire started mysteriously one night, and it killed both of them. When I was at the castle, I could still feel their powerful love. They say it’s as if a soul is still trapped in the ruins themselves.
• Dracula: The legend is wrong. It was only the wife that died. [pull a curtain]
• Johnny: Oh.
• Dracula: And it was no mystery who killed her. She was killed by your kind!
• [flashback begin]
• Mob: Vampire!
• Martha: Honey?
• Dracula: Go hide. I’ll take care of this.
• Mob: Vampire!
• [Martha screaming]
• Dracula: Martha!
• [Mavis crying]
• [flashback end]
• Dracula: They are the real monsters. I built this place for my love, to protect her child. As a father, you do everything to keep your family safe, even if you have to break their trust. But now, Mavis has feelings for you.
• What? I just… Awesome.
• It’s all right. You are a good one. If the world was different, maybe it would be possible.
• Drac, this is the 21st century. People aren’t the same as they were back then.
• Can you tell me for certain that if we came out in the open, everyone would accept us? Everyone?
• No. You’re right. I’ll go for good this time. You can just say I had some emergency, or the gremlin lady ate me or something.
• No, no, no, no, no. I don’t want to ruin her birthday party. You can sneak out after it’s all done.
• I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her. Or you.
• You know, you’re not the smoothest Frankenstein, but you’d make a great vampire.
• For real? ‘Cause I think I kind of got your hypno-eyes down.
• Oh, boy, here we go. Let me see it.
• Beware! For you are in my power.
• I command you to be the werewolf man! (HOWLS) I have too many kids.
• Someone scratch me, I have fleas.
• ’Cause he’s a wolf, he’d get those.
• Yeah, no, don’t explain it.
• It’s not funny when you do that.
• (ALL SNORING) (SCREAMING) (ALL HOWLING) I didn’t order a wake-up call.
• WOMAN: Count Dracula arranged it for all the rooms.
• (SCREAMS) Where’s the snooze button? There will be no snoozing. The party’s today.
• (SCREAMS) Ooh, yeah, perfecto.
• (DANCE BEAT PLAYING)

♪ Girl

♪ I can’t believe it’s your big night

♪ You ate your frogs, now the party’s so right

♪ Where did the time go, girl?

♪ And, girl, you used to suck a binky

♪ Look at you now

♪ You’re sucking blood right out of the cow ♪

• Johnny-Stein: Wow. You look beautiful.
• Mavis: Thanks. Thanks for the party.
• Johnny-Stein: Yeah, you like my little touches?
• Mavis: It’s amazing.
• Terrific party.
• You really outdid yourself, Drac.
• Got to be the best one I’ve been to in 500 years.
• ??: (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (ROARING)
• Johnny-Stein: [to Mr. Bigfoot] Sorry, big man! [to Mavis, who's approaching him closely so she could kiss him] Um, Mavis, I am crazily scared right now.
• Mavis: [lovingly] Maybe that's a good thing. [kisses him]
• Dracula: [A suit of armor alerts him to Mavis kissing Jonathan, and he is enraged; then quickly separates them] How could you?! After I shared my pain with you?!
• Johnny-Stein: [frightened] But-- No--
• Mavis: Dad, it was just a kiss.
• Dracula: No, you're not allowed to kiss!
• Mavis: Dad, I'm allowed to do things. I'm not 83 anymore. I'm allowed to like people or go see the world again.
• Dracula: What?! You saw it! You-you said you didn't like it!
• Mavis: Maybe I want to give the village another chance. I need to learn, you know, how to roll with it like Johnny does.
• Dracula: No, no, you can't go to the village again!
• Mavis: Maybe you can make them see that we can be friends.
• Dracula: No, that isn't possible!
• Mavis: Well you can't be sure. It's all in how you present yourself!
• Dracula: No, that won't make a difference!
• Mavis: How do you know?
• Dracula: Because it just won't!
• Mavis: Why, why won't it?!
• Dracula: BECAUSE THAT VILLAGE DOESN'T REALLY EXIST! [The music stops and Mavis and the other monsters are now in a state of shock; a string on Frank's guitar breaks.]
• Mavis: What do you mean... "doesn't exist"?
• Frank: [He and the others approach Dracula] What did you do?!
• Dracula: I-- [definitely] I did what I had to do.
• Mavis: [demanding] What was it? What exactly did you have to do? Tell me!
• Dracula: I-- I built the town, the staff put it all together, the... the zombies dressed up as the townspeople. [the zombies grunt, 'Uh-oh' .Mavis heart-brokenly wanders, and Dracula follows her] Please, if you really went out there and something happened to you, I... I just couldn't live with myself!
• Mavis: But you could live with this? Lying to me? Tricking me? Keeping me here forever when you knew my dream was to go?
• [Dracula opens his mouth to say something, but a muffled noise is heard]
• Quasimodo: [enters the ballroom] Liar-! Liar-!
• [Dracula makes an Uh-oh face]
• Murray: ... Oil?
• Quasimodo: Uh-uh-uh-! [Muffled speech]
• Eunice: English, please. Your voice is really annoying.
• Fly: Wait. I speak Frozen. He says, "Dracula has brought a human into the hotel."
• [The crowd gasps]
• Gremlin Wife: A human?!
• Gremlin Husband: [hugs her] Stay close, Pookie!
• [Quasimodo has another muffled speech]
• Fly: He says, "There is ze human." He has a french accent.
• [Johnny starts to walk out the doors but they shut and he sees Esmeralda growling like a dog in front of him; Johnny and Dracula and other Monsters gasp]
• Frankenstein: Johnny's not a human. He's my right arm's cousin. He's lying!
• Griffin: Yeah. And why is he picking his nose?
• [Quasimodo has another muffled speech]
• Fly: He says, "It's a long story."
• Johnny-Stein: [to Esmeralda, who's running amok in his face and hair] Hey! Wait! No! Get off me! Ew! [Esmeralda squeaks, as she wipes away Johnny's make-up, completely blowing his cover.]
• [Quasimodo has another muffled speech]
• Fly: He says, "Behold ze human!"
• [The entire crowd screams and runs in panic]
• Frankenstein: [horrified] I don't believe it.
• [Among the panicking monsters, Mavis walks closer to him, as he gives a worried and regretful expression]
• Mavis: Is it true? Are you a human?
• Johnny: [guilty] Yeeeessss... I'm so sorry.
• Mavis: [hugs him lovingly] I don't care! I still want to be with you.
• Johnny: [sighs in relief and wants to hug her back until he sees Dracula looking really worried, and he remembers what he told him earlier] Uh... Well, tough! 'Cause I don't want to be with you. Because... you're a monster! [Mavis gasps in shock] And I hate monsters! [Heads to the door] Goodbye! [ As he leaves, he scares Murray by trying to give him a Bruce Lee kick]
• Murray: Please, don't hurt me!
• [Jonathan gives Mavis one last stare of hatred and heartbreak and heads out the door. Dracula tries to comfort the heartbroken Mavis, but she angrily wheels around and faces him]
• Mavis: This is all your fault!
• [She turns into a bat and flees the room, leaving Dracula to feel bad about her. The other monsters, also angry with Dracula for his lies, leave the room, as well]
• Monster #1: We're getting outta here!
• Monster #2: I am never coming back here!
• Monster #3: "Human-free"?! What a rip!
• Monster #4: I thought I smelt a human.
• Monster #5: Oh yeah, ice machine? Also broken!
• (SAD MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
• Oh. Here he comes. Count Crock-ula. I’m just glad my eyes are stitched shut, ‘cause I don’t even want to…
• Dracula: Mavis, honey, are you in there? Mavis? Mavis? Mavis, where are you? Mavis?
• Dad, can you do me a favor?
• Yes, yes, of course, darling. Anything.
• Will you erase my mind? No, no, no, no. No, I won’t do that.
• There’s too much I want you to remember.
• You were right, Dad. The humans hate us.
• Sweetheart, there are so many eligible monsters out there.
• You’re so young to…
• What is it? What are you reading?
• MARTHA: "Two lonely bats crashed in the night.
• "They felt a Zing. Love at first sight.
• "They knew right then they would be husband and wife.
• "For a Zing only happens once in your life.
• "Your Zing will come, my love.
• "Cherish it.
• "Love, Mommy." I thought we Zinged, Dad.
• (GASPS) You and Johnny? I guess it was only me.
• But you should be happy, Dad.
• There’s no reason for me to leave.
• I have no more dreams. I’m just like you now.
• Martha, what have I done? Where is my bill? Over here. I’m next.
• I’m checking out.
• Take my key! Take my key! What is this minibar charge? Honey, the kids threw the minibar out the window.
• And that’s our fault? Well…
• Excuse me! Pardon, yeah.
• Excuse me, I got a couple of people to express mail.
• Dracula: Friends, please, stop.
• It’s too late, rat-bat!
• Dracula: Please, I’m begging you. I need you to help me find Johnny.
• The human? He could’ve killed us!
• Murray:He touched my guitar!
• Griffin: He put his hand in my mouth to see if it would disappear.
• Elderly Gremlin: He let me eat his SCOOTER!
• Dracula:I know I lied. I was wrong. But you have to believe this: Johnny wasn’t a bad guy The truth is, I don’t even know if humans are bad anymore. Frank, come on, buddy. You understand.
• Eunince: He’s not talking to you.
• First you tell us humans are bad, now they’re good.
• What else? Up is down, cold is hot, gremlins don’t smell.
• Hey! I really liked Johnny, cousin or no. He told fun stories.
• I think they Zinged.
• BOTH: They Zinged?
• Draciua:But I got in the way.
• You only Zing once in your life.
• Oy, now you’re short-circuiting.
• I don’t care! Well, what are we doing? Let’s get Johnny. Come on! Yeah, let’s do it! Come on! Yeah! Griffin: Okay, okay, where am I going? The human world, before Johnny’s gone forever.
• But what about the sun? I don’t know. I’ll just have to roll.
• He just rolls. Rollability.
• Dracula: So we follow his boot-prints.
• When they run out, that’s where you come in, Wayne.
• Me? There! Yes, I knew something would fall out of that backpack.
• Yowch! That stinks! Work your magic.
• Wait, you want me to track the smell? No. My sniffing tracking days are way behind me.
• Do you know how many diapers I’ve changed? How many number twos have destroyed this thing? But…
• (INAUDIBLE) Hey! Take it easy! Watch it! Sit.
• Smell. I said smell.
• Not me, the shirt! The shirt! Do any of your kids still respect you? Mm, give me a second. Oh, yeah.
• Winnie! Front and center!
• Winne:He got into a car. A ‘86 Fiat. It needs a little transmission work, but otherwise okay. It drove through town to the airport. Flight 497. 8:00 a.m. departure.
• Dracula:That’s in 15 minutes.
• Winne:Seat 23A. He ordered the vegetarian meal.
• Okay, thank you, cutie.
• Now, all of you, go back to your mother! Sheep!
• Griffin:High five! Don’t leave me hanging.
• Murray: Lots of sheep!
• Wayne: I got this one.
• (WAYNE GROWLING AND EATING)
• Wayne:What? Now there’s no sheep in the road. Let’s go.
• Murray:That was pretty sick, man.
• Wayne:You eat lamb chops, it’s the same thing. We don’t have time for this. Come on, let’s move it!
• Look, a human.
• Welcome to Transylvania! (HOWLS) That was trippy.
• WAYNE: Monster Festival? What’s a Monster Festival? Did they know we were coming? (GROANING) They like us? Really? Excuse me? Do you know the best way to the airport? Yes, fellow Dracula. There’s only one way. Bleh-bleh-bleh.
• But it’s all blocked. We’ll never make it in time.
• You should have left an hour earlier. Bleh-bleh-bleh.
• Dracula: I don't say "Bleh-bleh-bleh"! All right, let’s just run through it on foot.
• Drac, this’ll protect you.
• Bleh-bleh-bleh.
• Imagine if that guy knew he was talking to the real Drac.
• He’d run for the hills! Hold it, now. Hold it, now.
• That sounds spot on.
• But the only way they’d know the real us is if we show the real us.
• This could work.
• You mean, like, scare them? We haven’t scared people in centuries.
• I don’t even think I have it in me anymore.
• (GROANING) I got nothing. I really got nothing.
• Griffin:Let’s just move this along.
• (SCREAMS) Fire! Fire! Fire! (ROARING)
• Frankenstein: I’m trying to scare you! The real Frankenstein!
• Man:We know! We love you! Can you sign my torch?
• Frankenstein: Listen, before anything else, down there’s the real Dracula!
• Man 2:Prove it. All right. Continue.
• Drac’s daughter’s in love, and he’s got to get to the airport! And he can’t get through this crowd! Why doesn’t he fly? The sun, you idiot. He’s a vampire.
• That’s right. Thank you, Monster Nerd.
• So, people, if you really are our friends, clear a path for the man! Okay. All Draculas, line up. Bleh, bleh-bleh.
• Everyone else, lift the capes. Protect our friend. Bleh, bleh-bleh.
• It’s all for you, buddy.
• Go ahead.
• Good luck! Go get ‘em! Go, Drac, go! Go, Drac! Go, Drac! Go, Drac! Go, Drac! Go, Drac! Go get ‘em! Go, Drac, go! We love you, Dracula! There’s no choice.
• Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
• Okay. Okay, I must do this.
• Dracula: Jonathan! Jonathan, can you hear me?! [sees a Twilight movie on the plane]
• Edward: Tell me, do you dream of being a vampire?
• Dracula: This is how we're represented. Unbelievable. Jonathan! Jonathan, can you hear me?!
• Jonathan: [notices] Whoa, bat! Wait, it's talking. Dracula, is that you?
• Dracula: [mouthing from the other side] I am sorry!
• Jonathan: Huh? Dracula-- [on Dracula's side] I can't understand you!
• Dracula: What, "my hand's in a tan shoe"?
• Jonathan: [on his side] What, "japan's eating lamb stew"? [Dracula slumps his shoulders and makes an irritated look. This isn't working] Hey, do you know you're smoking?
• [Dracula flies into the plane's windshield to make an announcement for Jonathan]
• Pilot: What the heck? How'd a bat get up this high? Folks, I'm gonna turn on the seat belt sign just a precaution while we- [Dracula uses his magic powers to tell the pilot that he wants to take over his voice] While we hear a special announcement for my dear friend Jonathan.
• Jonathan: Dracula?
• Pilot (Dracula): My dear boy, I have made a terrible mistake. I was trying to keep my baby to myself, because I knew I would always protect her... but I realize now children need to discover things for themselves. They'll stumble and fall, laugh and cry, but such is life. The truth is... you and Mavis are meant to be. You zinged! If she must give her trust to someone else, I'm thankful that it is you, Jonathan. I hope you can hear me, and forgive me.
• Plane Crowd: [sees Dracula in bat form outside the window] Ahhhhh! [Jonathan sees Dracula outside the window also, and gives him a smile and a thumbs up to show his acceptance of Dracula's apology; Dracula smiles also]
• Pilot: [still manipulated by Dracula] Okay, folks, we're going to make a quick turnaround to... refuel, and then we will be back on our way. [the crowd groans angrily] Quit your whining! I'm burning up out here!
• Mavis: Dad? (GROANS)
• Dracula: I’m fine. I’m just a little sunburnt.
• Honey, I always thought the worst thing ever would be seeing you go.
• But the worst is seeing you unhappy.
• Mavey, I want you to live your life.
• (SIGHS) I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that.
• Dracula: You know, Mommy already gave you her birthday present. Can I now give you mine? [shows Mavis a black and pink backpack with the hotel's logo on it]
• Mavis: [confused] What do I need this for?
• Dracula: Oh, it comes with an accessory. [turns the backpack and reveals a smiling Jonathan]
• Mavis: [shocked] You?
• Jonathan: [lovingly] You.
• Mavis: Why are you back?
• Jonathan: 'Cause you're my zing, Mavis.
• Mavis: [surprised] I'm your zing? But... you told me you hate monsters.
• Jonathan: Yeah, well, I was afraid your dad was going to suck all the blood out of my body if I didn't say that.
• Dracula: [laughs nervously] I wouldn't have! I– [defeated] No, he's right, I would've done that...
• Mavis: Dad!
• I was wrong, Devil-chops.
• Mavis: Do you really mean it, Dad?
• Dracula: Go make your own paradise.
• Jonathan: Can we try that kiss over again?
• Mavis: [giggles] I think we can.
• [Mavis and Jonathan lean to kiss but are interrupted by Dracula snarling with his monster face and the two blankly stare at him]
• Dracula: [looking embarrassed] Sorry! I– I just... I gotta get use to that. Now go. Do... do your thing. [hastily leaves as Mavis and Jonathan make their best kiss]
• (MUFFLED) Stop! Stop! (HIP HOP BEAT PLAYING) ♪ I thought I found a love but she was just a fling ♪ And then I met a girl and felt a different thing ♪ It’s like you’re hit in the ring Like you’re pulled by a string ♪ Can’t breathe like you’re choking on a chicken wing ♪ It was a thing called a Zing and I wanted to sing ♪ And listen to ballads of the man named Sting ♪ Lady looks in your eyes and it’s suddenly spring ♪ Like when Nala looked at Simba in The Lion King ♪ Zinging in the air and I don’t have a care ♪ I’m wingin' from the Zing that we shared ♪ Zinging in the rain Now I’m feelin' no pain ♪ It’s a real time for celebrating ♪ ‘Cause you’re my Zing Drac, you ready to throw down? No, no, I just came closer to hear you better.
• Come on, just give it a try.
• All right, maybe just a little.
• ♪ So listen all you Zingers from here to Beijing ♪ You better crash the box spring Get ready to cling ♪ ‘Cause if love was money you’d be yellin' cha-ching ♪ Next to a Zing Cupid’s arrow’s a little bee sting ♪ It was a Zing and a zang and a zingidy-dee ♪ And there was only one lady in the Zing for me ♪ ‘Cause when you’re dinged by the Zing ♪ You better know one thing The only bling you gonna sling ♪ Is a wedding ring ♪ Zinging in the air ♪ Now I don’t have a care ♪ I’m wingin' from the Zing that we shared ♪ Zinging in the rain Now I’m feelin' no pain ♪ It’s a real time for celebrating ♪ ‘Cause you’re my Zing ♪ Feel the Zing, y’all Ba-da-bing, y’all ♪ Gonna knock you right out of that ring, y’all ♪ Better bring, y’all Happenin', y’all ♪ Pay attention to the undead king, y’all ♪ ♪ I’m a monster I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m a monster I’m a m-monster Housekeeping! ♪ I’m one of a kind, got everybody in love ♪ And I don’t have to try, I just do what I does ♪ Don’t have to tell me, I already know ♪ They all want me ♪ Yo, I run this, I smash it ♪ Like my bass real hard, boom-bastic ♪ Speed race, baby, I’m a lot faster ♪ Cause trouble, never listen to my master ♪ New Benz all black from Malaysia ♪ Can’t drive, but my mama don’t care, yup ♪ To the top, I’m-a take it to the ceiling ♪ I’m on the moon but I feel the sun beamin' ♪ I’m so dope like ooh la la So, so fly like a helicopter ♪ Sup to the hood and the homies on the block ♪ Doin’ it big, yeah, you know, what’s up ♪ Some come and try to say I’m a problem ♪ So crazy, gotta put ‘em in an asylum ♪ Some come and try to say I’m a problem ♪ Ha, solve it ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a m-monster ♪ I’m one of a kind, got everybody in love ♪ And I don’t have to try, I just do what I does ♪ Don’t have to tell me, I already know ♪ They all want me ♪ Yo, yo, yo ♪ I ran this, I rock this ♪ I can see the future, no optics ♪ More androids, robotics ♪ Beam up hot chicks like I’m Spock ♪ They be chillin’ in my cockpit My spaceship got exotic ♪ One be trippin’, come n’ whip, hypnotic ♪ They be talkin' ‘bout ooh la la ♪ Let’s go far, way past them stars ♪ We don’t give a… Let’s go to Mars ♪ Ay, yo I’m just tryin' to get it poppin’ ♪ I wanna be the first dude to love a Martian ♪ She’ll have a maid for the swag that I’m droppin’ ♪ I kill the game til it’s chillin’ in the coffin ♪ When I start, there ain’t no stoppin’ ♪ Don’t be actin’ like Like you didn’t know ♪ Like you didn’t know Like you didn’t know ♪ Like you didn’t know ♪ I’m one of a kind, got everybody in love ♪ And I don’t have to try, I just do what I does ♪ Don’t have to tell me, I already know ♪ They all want me ♪ I’m one of a kind, got everybody in love ♪ And I don’t have to try, I just do what I does ♪ Don’t have to tell me, I already know ♪ They all want me ♪ I’m a monster, I’m a… ♪