(Security dogs begin barking as Johnny English breaks into a building. Johnny English squeaks some dog toys and throws them. Dogs whimper and run after them. Johnny English enters the building and is held at gunpoint.)
Johnny English: Ah, the Heckler & Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.
(Johnny English attacks the guards holding the guns and continues to explore the building, entering a room before being stopped by a woman)
Exotic Woman: Ah, Agent One. I have been so looking forward to this moment.
Johnny English: Well, in that case, I'll try not to disappoint.
Exotic Woman: You overestimate your power over women, Mr English.
Johnny English: I'd say that would be virtually impossible.
(The two lean in to kiss, before the camera fades to real life. Johnny is fast asleep in an office)
Bough: Sir? Sir? Sir!
(Johnny English wakes up, startled)
Bough: Have you got them? The mission documents, Agent One's flying to Biarritz tonight.
Johnny English: Yes, yes, the mission documents, Bough. They're here somewhere. Don't worry. Ah.
(Agent One enters)
Johnny English: Agent One.
Agent One: Gentlemen.
(Agent One throws his coat, which lands on a coat stand. Both Johnny English and Bough look stunned)
Agent One: May I have my documents?
Johnny English: Uh, Bough, Agent One's documents, please.
(Bough tugs on the documents, which Johnny English is already holding)
Johnny English: Ah, thank you. Your mission documents, Agent One. Including the codes for the submarine hatch, which I checked myself. (smiles awkwardly)
Agent One: Thank you.
Johnny English: So, is it just France tonight, or will you be slipping over the Pyrenees as well?
Agent One: If I told you that, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
(After an awkward pause, Johnny English chuckles nervously)
Johnny English: Yes, yes, well I suppose you would if I had to- oh. Uh, cheerio, Agent One. Bonne chance. Arrivederci.
(Agent One leaves)
Johnny English: Such class. Such distinction.
(Cut to a church, with a bell tolling. A message appears on screen)
"To MI7 All Depts: Urgent!
Agent One killed in action in Biarritz.
Submarine hatch failed to open."
Johnny English: The greatest secret agent England's ever had, snuffed out in an instant.
Bough: Terrible.
Johnny English: But you know what makes us envy the world over, Bough? That there's always another agent waiting to step into the breach.
Bough: Absolutely, sir.
Johnny English: And every last one of them is gathered round that grave. It is our honour and privilege to guard them whilst they grieve.
(Sinister music begins to play, as two men quickly drive away in the hearse, of which the coffin has just been removed)
Johnny English: Their lives are in our hands, Bough.
(A car pulls up)
Funeral Officer: Everything in order, English?
Johnny English: I think you'll find it's rather more than just "in order", sir. You are now entering one of the most secure locations in the whole of England.
(Cut to 10 Downing Street)
Prime Minister: Pegasus, we face a national crisis. Agent One was clearly onto something, and we have to find out what. I need another agent on this immediately, who else is there?
Pegasus: No-one, Prime Minister. They all died in the explosion.
Prime Minister: All of them?
Pegasus: Well, luckily there is one who survived.
Prime Minister: Who?
(Music begins. An opening sequence plays, as Johnny English prepares for the mission in his flat, collects his gear and proceeds to get lost in the MI7 headquarters. Title card appears)
Johnny English: Ah, Johnny English.
(Johnny English assembles his gun, and looks confused as he realises the trigger is missing)
Johnny English: Right.
(Johnny English enters Pegasus' office)
Johnny English: Johnny English. I'm here to see Pegasus. So, no sense rushing things.
(Johnny English attempts to throw his coat onto the coat stand, mimicking Agent One, but misses and throws it out the window)
Secretary: There are some items you need to sign before your briefing. This is your new retinal ID card, and your level 9 security clearance. Sign and date, please.
(The secretary hands Johnny English a pen, but he looks disapprovingly and picks up a golden pen on her desk)
Johnny English: Ah, reminds me of the old service issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but click it twice-
(Johnny English clicks the pen twice, and the secretary gasps and collapses)
Pegasus: Ah, English! There you are. Uhm, have you seen my secretary?
(Johnny English walks over to the collapsed secretary, blocking her from Pegasus' view)
Johnny English: Uh, she went out.
Pegasus: Right.
(Johnny English awkwardly shifts position as Pegasus walks over to his desk)
Pegasus: Shall we?
(They enter a separate room, where nurses can be seen attending to the secretary in the background)
Pegasus: Now, Agent One believed that there was a plot to steal the crown jewels. Now, they've recently been through a multi-million pound restoration, largely paid for by a corporate sponsor of course, and they're due to be unveiled tonight at the Tower of London. Unfortunately, the Queen is insisting that the ceremony goes ahead, so what we want you to...
(Pegasus stops talking and looks confused, as Johnny English is trying to watch the nurses in the other room. Pegasus begins to turn around, but Johnny English quickly grabs his attention)
Johnny English: Hah! Who... who... who is the sponsor, sir?
Pegasus: Pascal Sauvage.
Johnny English: What, that flouncy Frenchman who owns a couple of prisons?
Pegasus: Sauvage's 7 billion dollar empire, English, operates over 400 prisons in 60 countries. He's built 25 of them here. The man's related to the Royal Family, for goodness sake. As far as the Prime Minister's concerned, he's one of the greatest friends England's got.
(Pegasus and English leave, seconds after the nurses rush out with the secretary)
Pegasus: Now, English, I want you at the tower tonight, monitoring this unveiling. Any chink in security, any weakness, however slight, must be dealt with immediately. Do we understand each other?
Johnny English: Perfectly, sir. Oh, yes.
Pegasus: Good. Oh, and, English? We can't afford any mistakes. Not tonight.
Johnny English: The word "mistake", sir, is not one that appears in my dictionary.
"The Tower of London"
(Johnny English and Bough exit an Aston Martin)
Bough: Fantastic car, sir!
(Johnny English and Bough enter the tower)
Sir Anthony Chevenix: Mr English? Colonel Sir Anthony Chevenix, head of royal security.
Johnny English: Ah, colonel, good evening. Snipers posted on the roof, as per my request?
Sir Anthony Chevenix: Thirteen of them.
Johnny English: Windows?
Sir Anthony Chevenix: Refitted with bullet and shatterproof glass, as ordered.
(Johnny English notices a woman)
Johnny English: I shall now mingle inconspicuously with the guests. Let me know when Her Majesty arrives.
Sir Anthony Chevenix: Very good.
Bough: Shall I, uh, mingle with you, sir?
Johnny English: Oh, yes, Bough. Once you've checked the roof.
(Bough looks annoyed and mutters something inaudible under his breath, before leaving)
(Johnny English fiddles with various items whilst eyeing up the woman. He begins touching some red curtains, before accidentally pulling up a woman's red dress)
Snobby Woman: screams
(Johnny English closes the curtains on her and leaves)
Snobby Woman: Help, help!
(Johnny English approaches the woman he spotted earlier)
Johnny English: Well, hello.
Lorna Campbell: Hello yourself.
Johnny English: Johnny English.
Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell.
Johnny English: (to waiter) Bloody Mary, please. Not too spicy.
Johnny English: So, are you here in some professional capacity?
Lorna Campbell: I worked on the restoration of the jewels.
Johnny English: Intriguing.
Lorna Campbell: And yourself?
Johnny English: scoffs If I told you that, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
Lorna Campbell: I'd like to see you try.
(Johnny English looks around awkwardly, before we cut to Pascal Sauvage entering the tower. Sinister music begins to play)
Sir Anthony Chevenix: Monsieur Sauvage, on behalf of Her Majesty, may I welcome you to the tower.
Pascal Sauvage: Merci, monsieur.
(We cut back to Johnny English and Lorna Campbell)
Lorna Campbell: So, are you here alone, Mr English?
Johnny English: That's how I choose to live my life, Miss Campbell. Woman want safety, security. I can offer them nothing but danger.
Lorna Campbell: Some women find danger very attractive.
Johnny English: Women like you, Miss Campbell?
Lorna Campbell: Women like me, expect men like you, to find that out for yourself.
(Johnny English chuckles slightly as Pascal Sauvage appears in the background)
Pascal Sauvage: Madam?
Johnny English: Oh, it's for me, actually. And can you rustle up some of those cheesy nibbly bits that have been going around? Now, where were we?
Lorna Campbell: You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion. chuckles
(After a short pause, Johnny English turns to face Pascal Sauvage)
Johnny English: Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage: Pascal Sauvage. Jumped-up Frenchman.
(Pascal Sauvage and Lorna Campbell shake hands)
Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
Pascal Sauvage: Enchant.
Johnny English: Uh, I'm- I'm-
Pascal Sauvage: But, of course. You're Johnny English. I've heard all about you, and between you and me, I'm not so keen on the French myself. Please don't tell them that. Let me go and search for your cheesy nibbly bits.
Johnny English: Oh, no, no, no-
Pascal Sauvage: I insist. The French are, after all, fantastic waiters, the best in the world.
Johnny English: Well- but- but-
Pascal Sauvage: Wait here, and I will wait on you.
Johnny English: No, really, there's no need- please, please, please!
(Pascal Sauvage has now left, and Johnny English looks around to make sure he hasn't caused too much of a scene)
Johnny English: Hmm. Les Francais. Ils sont... very... n'est-ce pas.
(We cut to Pascal Sauvage giving a speech)
Pascal Sauvage: Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames and est messieurs, bienvenu, welcome tonight to this wonderful occasion. As we stand here in the Tower of London, the most famous prison in the world, where these wonderful jewels will rest safely under lock and key. I want to thank you for giving me this wonderful experience to contribute to the restoration of these jewels. It was, as we say in France, le top, le best of. And what a beautiful-
(A man pushes a switch, and the power cuts out, the tower covered in darkness)
(A woman screams, and the audience panic)
(Johnny English spots a man who he believes is an intruder, and knocks him out)
(The lights go back on, revealing the unconscious Chevenix)
(Another woman screams)
Bough: It's Colonel Chevenix! He's got a nasty wound, sir. Who hit him?
Johnny English: ...the assailant! He ran in here!
(Johnny English enters a room)
Johnny English: Bough, you guard the door.
Johnny English: Aha!
(The door closes)
(Johnny English can be heard yelling, and small crashes can be heard from inside the room)
(The door reopens, and Johnny English is holding his neck with his hand, as if to suggest someone else was holding it)
Johnny English: For God's sake, Bough, don't come in. The man's a maniac!
(Johnny English moves out of view, and a vase is thrown at the wall)
Johnny English: You don't frighten me! Missed!
(Johnny English throws himself against a wall, with a whole orange in his mouth. After moving out of view, he throws himself against the wall again, holding a chair and pretending to push it away from himself, as if someone else were holding it)
(Johnny English moves out of view again, and the sound of glass shattering can be heard. We then hear him making unusual karate noises, and the camera cuts to show him star-jumping and karate kicking alone)
(Johnny English emerges from the room, with ketchup on his mouth to resemble blood)
Johnny English: I have managed to subdue the assailant. The panic's over.
(Bough attempts to enter the room, but Johnny English quickly closes the door)
Johnny English: Everything's under control.
(The crowd clap and cheer)
Johnny English: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we shall compose ourselves for the arrival of Her Majesty, and return to the sight of our great nation's magnificently restored crown jewels.
(The display opens, however the jewels are missing)
(The crowd gasps)
Johnny English: I know. I feel it too. The very symbols of our island nation, so close we could almost reach out and tou-tou-
(Fanfare plays)
Announcer: Pray silence for Her Majesty, the Queen.
Queen Elizabeth II: Oh. Where are the jewels?
(Dramatic audio cue, as we cut to MI7 headquarters)
Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English.
Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus: Well, we need to get these jewels back, English. And fast.
(The now wheelchair-bound secretary enters the room behind, and glares at Johnny English)
Pegasus: Now, tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.
Johnny English: Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped whilst the Queen was being sedated.
Pegasus: But he's the only lead we've got, English. We have to find him. Uh, come in.
(A man enters)
Pegasus: This is, uh- this is Roger, from Data Support. Please sit down. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
Johnny English: Um... well, he was... big.
Roger: Hair colour?
Johnny English: Uhm...
(Johnny English glances at a fruit bowl)
Johnny English: Orange.
Pegasus: Orange?!
Johnny English: Hmm. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.
Roger: Frizzy.
Johnny English: An eyepatch. Broken nose. Very few teeth; two, I would say, at the most. And a scar on his cheek, in the shape... of a banana.
Roger: Which cheek?
Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of... met in the middle.
Pegasus: ...are you sure about this, English?
(Johnny English gasps in shock, as a dramatic audio cue plays)
Johnny English: Oh, yes. That's him. An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.
(Theme music plays, as we cut to Johnny English and Bough driving to the Tower of London)
Bough: Wow! Look at this, sir. Got all the bells and whistles, hasn't it?
Johnny English: Never mind about the gadgets, Bough. Just focus on the case.
(Johnny English beeps his horn at a police officer, who moves out of the way stunned. He parks his car next to a "No Parking" sign)
Bough: Oh, uh- alright.
(They enter the Tower of London)
Johnny English: Good morning, gentlemen. Thank you very much for waiting. Now, the question that faces us this morning is a simple one. Namely, how did the thieves gain access to this highly secure environment, and escape with the jewels afterwards? A simple question, but one which, I believe, has a complex answer.
Bough: Actually, sir-
(The camera cuts to show that Johnny English is standing in front of a large hole in the floor)
Johnny English: Uh, please, Bough. My mind is at work. Now, what you must grasp, gentlemen, is that a criminal sees not a room, but a series of opportunities. Should I come in throw the window? Possibly. Should I drop down from the ceiling? Perhaps.
Bough: Actually, sir-
Johnny English: But I think there's one thing we can be fairly confident about, which is that they didn't come in through the flo-or-
Bough: I've got you, sir.
(Johnny English is now being held by Bough, preventing him from falling down the hole)
Johnny English: That's alright. Just come my way, Bough.
Bough: That'll bring me right over the hole, sir.
Johnny English: Bough, there's no need to panic.
(The camera cuts to the bottom of the hole)
Johnny English: Can you see the bottom yet, Bough?
Bough: Not yet, sir. The shaft appears to be narrowing. I'm just a little bit worried I might get stuck.
Johnny English: Trust me, Bough. You won't get stuck if you just keep moving.
Bough: Yes, sir.
Johnny English: Are you at the bottom now, Bough?
Bough: Uh, no, I am in fact stuck now, sir.
Johnny English: Oh, for God's sake, Bough. Stay there! I'm coming down.
Bough: Uh, I'm not especially sure that's a good idea, sir.
Johnny English: Don't worry.
Bough: Be careful, sir!
Johnny English: Gently does it.
(Johnny English and Bough both scream as Johnny falls down the hole)
Bough: Are you alright, sir?
Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.
Bough: That was me, sir.
Johnny English: Ah, good.
Bough: What now?
Johnny English: There's no way back up there, that's for sure. But this must lead somewhere.
Bough: I'm, uh- awkward chuckle ever so slightly uncomfortable in the dark, sir.
Johnny English: It's nothing to worry about, Bough. It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough: Can we, sir? How?
Johnny English: The Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough: I see, sir.
Johnny English: The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough: Brilliant, sir.
Johnny English: However, you must always sing in E-flat. singing Ah, ah, ah, ah, eh, eh, E-flat, E-flat, E-flat, E-flat. Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing.
Bough: Is it working, sir?
Johnny English: Extremely well, thank you, Bough. singing Thanks for all the joy that- ow!
Bough: Are you alright, sir?
Johnny English: Ow!
Bough: I think I can see something, sir.
Johnny English: Come on.
(Audio cues, as they climb up a mysterious ladder and spot two men with the jewels)
Johnny English: I knew it.
Bough: Shall we call for backup, sir?
Johnny English: What, and watch some fat-bottomed Bobby make our arrest for us? I don't think so.
(They emerge from the hole)
Johnny English: Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service. Observe, Bough, the dull incompetence of the criminal mind. It could never hope to match our level of technical expertise.
(The cartridge falls out of Johnny English's gun, and Johnny and Bough both look stunned)
(The bad guys both shoot at them, and Bough shoots back. After setting off a smoke grenade, they escape in a hearse)
(Johnny English and Bough chase after the hearse on foot, and Lorna Campbell follows on a motorcycle. They approach Johnny English's Aston Martin, only to find it being lifted onto a tow truck)
Bough: What do we do now, sir?
Johnny English: Watch and learn, Bough.
(The camera cuts to Johnny English and Bough driving the tow truck, with the Aston Martin on board)
Bough: It's no good, sir, they're too far ahead of us.
Johnny English: Have faith, Bough. They were heading south.
(The bad guys attempt to turn left, but slam the breaks as some nuns are crossing the road. The nuns scream)
Bough: There they are, sir!
Johnny English: Just as I thought.
Johnny English: Hang on tight, Bough!
Bough: Woah!
(Dramatic music)
Johnny English: We're never gonna catch them in this. Take the wheel, Bough, I'm getting in the Aston.
Bough: Sir?
(Johnny English opens the truck door, but quickly closes it due to an truck in the ongoing traffic, which beeps its horn)
Johnny English: Change places, Bough. I'm getting out the other side.
Bough: Sir?
(Johnny English exits the tow truck, and enters his Aston Martin)
Johnny English: All set, Bough. Take me up.
(Bough pushes a button, and the Aston Martin is elevated into the air)
Johnny English: Swing me out, Bough!
(Bough pushes another button, and the Aston Martin is now suspended above mid-air)
Bough: Woah...
Johnny English: Down!
(Bough pushes a third button, and the Aston Martin is now lowered towards the road - however, another car is approaching in the ongoing lane, beeping it's horn)
Johnny English: Up! Up!
(Bough pushes a fourth button, lifting the Aston Martin back up, and just barely avoiding the other car)
Bough: Sorry!
(Johnny English looks disapprovingly)
Johnny English: Bough, pull out!
(Bough changes lane, causing the Aston Martin to move around)
Johnny English: Ow, ow!
(In the baddies car, Klaus Vendetta turns around, looking in confusion at Johnny English's Aston Martin suspended from mid-air)
Klaus Vendetta: Those idiots are right behind us. Faster!
(Both the baddies and Bough in the truck speed up)
(A speed camera flashes as Johnny English and Bough drive pass, taking a photo of Johnny)
Johnny English: Aha.
(Johnny English presses a button, which shoots a missile at the speed camera, exploding it. He smiles smugly and rubs his hands as dramatic music plays)
Johnny English: Oh, God.
(The baddies run a red light, and Johnny English and Bough get stuck waiting behind traffic. Bough beeps his horn as Lorna Campbell runs the red light on her motorcycle, catching Johnny's attention)
Johnny English: Drop me here, Bough!
(Bough presses a button, and the Aston Martin crash lands onto the trailer of the car in front, which begins to drive in the wrong direction)
Johnny English: No! No! No!
Bough: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
(Johnny English reverses the car off of the trailer and does a 180 degree turn, facing the right direction. He proceeds to chase after a hearse, however a different hearse can be seen going in the opposite direction)
Johnny English: They're heading into the Brompton Cemetery, Bough. Get here as soon as you can. I'm going in.
Priest: ...in a wheelchair. But Jeffrey overcame these terrible disabilities with that simple resilience and sunny optimism that so warmed those of us who knew him. Serving the rest of his life in the service of the poor and disabled of this parish.
Johnny English: It's very good. Really, very good. No, no, please, go on, I'm sorry to interrupt. It's very entertaining.
Woman: Who's that?
Johnny English: That priest act of yours should keep the other prisoners entertained for hours. Oh, I'm so sorry, where are my manners? Johnny English, British Secret Service, and you are all under arrest. I must say, you've done this whole thing very well, the attention to detail is excellent. You, the grieving granny, you're very convincing.
(Johnny English touches the woman's face)
Johnny English: Oh look, real tears, do you get paid extra for that? Ah! What are we all here for, then? I know, why don't we take a look inside?
(The family gasp in shock as Johnny English tries to open the coffin)
Johnny English: Oh! You've nailed it down!
(Johnny English stands on top of the coffin, and the family continue to gasp in shock)
Johnny English: Why would you do that? I know you're going to come back in 2 weeks and dig it up again.
Man: What?!
(Johnny English does a dance on the coffin)
Johnny English: Now then, what are you playing in this little vignette of deceit and villainy?
Hearse Driver: I'm the hearse driver.
Johnny English: You're the hearse driver?
Hearse Driver: Yes, sir.
Johnny English: Hmm. ...you're the hearse driver?
(Audio cues)
Hearse Driver: Yes, sir.
Bough: Ah! A-ha! There you are... Gunther. Uh, I do hope he hasn't made nuisance of himself.
(Johnny English stares in confusion)
Bough: I'm Doctor, uhm... Bough, of the Lunatic Response Unit. I'm afraid Gunther here wasn't supposed to be released until 2028. Isn't that right, Gunther?
(Johnny English nods)
Bough: Yes, yes, there's been the most monumental... cock-up. Uhm, if you'll excuse me with the deepest respect. Upmost sympathy. Uhm, he hasn't urinated on anyone, has he?
Priest & Hearse Driver: Oh, no.
Bough: That's a blessing. Are you going to give me the gun, Gunther?
(Johnny English slowly hands Bough the gun)
Bough: There, that wasn't too difficult, was it?
(Johnny English shakes his head)
Bough: Are you going to go home now?
(Johnny English speaks gibberish)
Bough: Oh, in the van? Yes, yes, we are going in the van. Yes, yeah. Vroom vroom.
Johnny English: Vroom vroom.
Bough: Yes, yeah.
(Johnny English repeats his previous gibberish)
Bough: Yes, he's waving goodbye. Goodbye, everyone.
Funeral Attendees: Goodbye. Goodbye, Gunther.
Bough: Mind the nice dead people. There we go.
(Bough makes a trumpet noise, as he puts his hands near his ears)
Bough: Oh. Just go to the path, here. There, big step. It's a graveyard, it's where they bring people when they pass-
Johnny English: Yes, yes, alright Bough, you can stop now.
Bough: For appearances sake, I'll just hold your arm, sir.
Johnny English: Yes, yes.
Bough: I think we should run-
Johnny English: Oh, just keep walking, Bough. In fact run, run, run!
(Cut to Pascal Sauvage's office)
Pascal Sauvage: I can't believe I have done this. I mean, I really can't believe I've done this! You see, 200 years ago, my family should have inherited the throne of England. But they were cast aside. Well, in a few very short days, it will be back where it belongs. With me.
(Pascal Sauvage picks up the crown)
Pascal Sauvage: Shall I try it on? Yes, no, maybe?
Klaus Vendetta: To make you king, we need the Archbishop of Canterbury to do that.
Pascal Sauvage: The Archbishop of Canterbury is being taken care of even as we speak.
(The screen fades to the Archbishop of Canterbury in the street, with the text "Target Locked" displayed at the bottom of the screen. Models of his face are taken and displayed on a computer system in an unknown laboratory)
Klaus Vendetta: There's only one thing, sir. What are we going to do about English?
Pascal Sauvage: If I were you, I would not worry about English. He is no threat to us. I had his flat bugged.
(Sauvage inserts a DVD, and a video starts playing, in which Johnny English is practicing karate moves in the mirror, during which he hurts his leg. He moves offscreen, and holds a rubber duck along the bottom of the video, before entering the frame, attacking it and leaving again)
Pascal Sauvage: Clearly, the aptly named English is a fool.
Klaus Vendetta: He might be a fool, but he's a fool who keeps showing up.
Pascal Sauvage: Well, the next time he shows up, eliminate him.
Klaus Vendetta: Thank you.
(Cut to Johnny English, Bough and Pegasus in an MI7 computer room)
Bough: Dieter Klein and Klaus Vendetta, sir. Released from prison 6 months ago. 327 convictions between them. Armed robbery, grievous bodily harm, combined parking fines of over 400,000-
Johnny English: Uh, yes, alright, thank you, Bough. I think we get the picture. The point is, sir, that Vendetta and Klein are both under the employ of Monsieur Sauvage.
Pegasus: Pascal Sauvage?
Johnny English: Precisely, sir.
Pegasus: But, you're not suggesting Sauvage is involved?
Johnny English: I think he's more than just involved, sir. I'm convinced he's up to his French neck in it.
Pegasus: Don't be absurd. Sauvage employs thousands of people, just because two of them are villains doesn't mean that he is.
Johnny English: But-
Pegasus: No, I want him discounted from this investigation immediately.
Johnny English: Yes, sir.
Pegasus: Alright? Tonight I shall be at Sauvage's reception for the new French ambassador. Any developments, you can reach me there. Apart from that, I don't want you within 100 miles of the man.
Johnny English: Absolutely, sir.
(Johnny English and Bough exit a lift into an underground car park)
Johnny English: Requisition order. MI7 quartermasters for immediately supply. One military transport plane, fully fuelled, with permission for night time city overflight; two night camouflage parachutes, plus reserves. Plus neoprene bodysuits, twice, in black; I've never liked the navy blue. And a 40-inch chest for me because I need the sleeve length. Morning, Felch.
Klaus Vendetta: Morning.
Johnny English: Oh, and two Special Forces signet rings, primed and colour-coded.
Bough: What's all this for, sir?
Johnny English: For tonight's operation, Bough. We're going to break into Sauvage's headquarters.
Bough: But I thought Pegasus said-
Johnny English: You let me worry about Pegasus. I know that Sauvage is behind all this, and tonight I'm going to get the evidence to prove it.
Bough: Is something wrong, sir?
Johnny English: Did that sound like Felch to you?
(The two turn around, as suspenseful music plays, before Vendetta takes off his mask and begins to shoot at them. They duck for cover)
(Bough shoots at Vendetta, who runs out of ammo and flees. Johnny English attempts to shoot Vendetta, but his gun falls apart.)
Johnny English: Bough.
(Johnny English begins sign language, as mysterious music plays. Bough looks confused. Johnny shakes his head, starts using different signs, before shaking his head again)
Johnny English: You, upstairs.
(Bough goes upstairs, whilst Johnny English trips on the board that Vendetta was lying on when he was underneath the car, falling over and creating a crashing noise)
Johnny English: Woah! Oh! Ow!
(Suspenseful music plays as Johnny English and Bough sneakily navigate the car park)
Johnny English: Can you see him, Bough?
Bough: He's on the upper level, sir.
Johnny English: Got him. And like a coiled viper, he strikes!
(Johnny English grabs a man's legs on the upper level, and the camera cuts to show that he has just attacked Bough, mistaking him for Vendetta. We cut to the two in the Aston Martin)
Bough: So what you're saying, sir, is, there must have been two of them?
Johnny English: Two at least, Bough. Possibly four.
Bough: I wonder why I didn't see them.
Johnny English: You mustn't dwell on your mistakes, Bough. You must learn from them, then move on.
Bough: Yes, sir.
(Johnny English nods)
Bough: So, where were you, sir?
Johnny English: Just drop it, Bough!
(Johnny English notices Lorna Campbell's motorcycle and slams the brakes)
Bough: Aah! What is it, sir?
Johnny English: That bike. You get things sorted out for tonight.
(Johnny English enters the sushi restaurant)
Johnny English: Well, well, we meet again.
Lorna Campbell: Mr English. What a pleasant surprise, I wondered when you might show up again.
Johnny English: On the contrary, Miss Campbell. It is not I who keeps showing up, it's you.
Lorna Campbell: Do you like sushi?
(Johnny English looks confused, and Lorna Campbell glances at the sushi on the conveyor belt)
Johnny English: Oh, su-shi! Oh, I practically live off the stuff. You might say that the mysteries of the orient are no mystery to me.
(Johnny English picks up some chopsticks, but acts confused. He copies Lorna Campbell as she rubs her chopsticks together)
Waiter: Sake.
Johnny English: Ah, sake.
Lorna Campbell: Kanpai.
Subtitles: "Cheers"
Johnny English: Kimi no musume-san tachi ni chiisai chinchin ga suitemasu you ni.
Subtitles: "May all your daughters be born with three bottoms"
Johnny English: Now then, perhaps you can explain how it is I run into you at two crime scenes, and then can't find any trace of you on a single Government computer.
Lorna Campbell: Shouldn't you ask the Government that?
Johnny English: I am the Government, and I'm asking you.
(Johnny English struggles to hold his food with his chopsticks)
Lorna Campbell: Let me. Oh, you're brave. They say that sea urchin's the ultimate acquaint taste.
Johnny English: It's a personal favourite of mine.
(Johnny English pretends to enjoy the sushi he is eating)
Lorna Campbell: I think people are put off by how it feeds through it's bottom.
(Johnny English stops eating, visibly uncomfortable)
Lorna Campbell: Will you excuse me?
(Lorna Campbell leaves, and Johnny English makes disgusted noises. He eventually spits the sushi out back onto the conveyor belt, getting his tie stuck in the process, and proceeds to disrupt the other customers as he moves along with the conveyor belt. The other customers yell in anger, and Lorna Campbell drives away on her motorcycle).
Johnny English: Excuse me. Sorry. I'm from MI7. Sorry. I'm a secret agent, I am.
(We cut to night time. Johnny English and Bough are in a plane, and dramatic music is playing)
Johnny English: Everything set, Bough?
Bough: Just about, sir. Actually, sir, do you mind if I run through the plan one more time?
Johnny English: annoyed No, no.
Bough: These are the two buildings here. This one is our target, Sauvage's headquarters, right next to the city hospital. I jump first, and land on the south side of the roof, abseil down 14 floors, and cut through this window here.
Johnny English: I then land on the east side of the roof and abseil down 12 floors.
Bough: Where you wait for my signal that I've disabled the alarm system.
Johnny English: Yes.
Bough: You then break into this window here, work your way along the secure corridor, and penetrate Sauvage's office.
Johnny English: annoyed Yes, yes!
Bough: Is that ok, sir?
Johnny English: It's been ok ever since I thought up the idea, Bough.
(The plane hatch opens up)
Bough: Oh, I nearly forgot, sir. Your laser beacon.
Johnny English: My what?
Bough: Your laser beacon! It'll guide you onto Sauvage's building.
Johnny English: Your dependence on hardware really does amuse me, Bough. I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert carrying nothing more than a toothbrush and a packet of sherbet lemons. And I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan. So thank you, Bough, but no thank you.
(Light flashes green)
Johnny English: Bough, go!
Bough: Geronimo!
(Theme music plays)
(Bough looks at the laser beacon and lands on Sauvage's building and begins to abseil down. Meanwhile, the light in the plane flashes green again)
Johnny English: Fandango!
(Johnny English looks at a poorly drawn map. Bough enters Sauvage's headquarters, whilst Johnny English lands on the city hospital)
Johnny English: Ugh. Ai-yi-yi.
(Johnny English abseils down)
Bough: Alarms disabled, sir.
Johnny English: Roger that, Bough.
(Johnny English falls into the hospital, and begins to explore in shock)
Johnny English: This is worse than I thought, Bough. Sauvage has got some kind of laboratory setup here. God knows what kind of sick operation he's running.
(Johnny English hides as a doctor leaves a room, before entering the room)
Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English: Bastards.
Elderly Man: It's only for tests.
Johnny English: Of course it is. Come on, my friend, let's get you out of here, before they take any more.
(They leave the room, and Johnny English orders several hospital staff to follow him as he passes them)
Johnny English: Ah! Good evening, Dr Frankenstein. This way, please. Come on, come on, I haven't got all night. And you! You angels of death. About turn. Come on, let's go. Come on, come on, keep moving. Come on, over there. I know what you're doing here- and you! Come on, quicker, quicker! Come on, over there!
(Johnny English has the doctor and nurses corned in a hospital room with two beds)
Johnny English: Now then, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.
Doctor: What are you talking about?
Johnny English: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?
(The staff all slowly look out the window. Johnny English joins them, and the camera cuts to show the opposite building, which has large "SAUVAGE" lettering. Audio cues play. Johnny English spots Bough in the building, who waves at him)
Bough: Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?
Johnny English: I am from MI7. This has been a test of your emergency response systems, and I have to say, you've all done extremely well. Right, well, I'll leave you to it, and, uh, get well soon.
(Johnny English leaves the hospital)
Johnny English: Oh, God!
(Dramatic music plays as Johnny English stealthily approaches the entrance to Sauvage's headquarters. Pegasus can be seen entering the building. An emergency exit door opens)
Bough: Sir. Sir!
(Johnny English looks around, before entering through the emergency door)
Bough: Did you just land on the wrong building?
Johnny English: I did a precautionary sweep of the immediate environment.
Bough: Right.
Johnny English: And everything was fine.
Bough: Good.
Johnny English: Okay, let's go.
(The two are hiding in a corridor, as Pascal Sauvage and a woman walk past)
Pascal Sauvage: ...I will be downstairs at the reception, and if...
(Pascal Sauvage has now left, and they begin to walk down the corridor)
Truth Serum Guard: That's far enough.
Johnny English: Well, good evening. Perhaps you'd like to have this, as well.
Truth Serum Guard: What is it?
Johnny English: Let me show you.
(Johnny English stabs the guard with a needle from his ring, and Bough knocks him out)
Johnny English: Well executed, Bough, but completely redundant.
Bough: How do you mean, sir?
Johnny English: Super strength muscle relaxant. When he wakes up, he'll be as floppy as a damp old sock.
(They drag the body away, and notice a man having a mask of the Archbishop of Canterbury being put on in another room)
Johnny English: That's the face of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Johnny English: whispers What are they doing? What's this got to do with the crown jewels?
(The man has a tattoo on his bottom, reading "Jesus is coming - look busy". They all leave, and Johnny English and Bough enter to explore)
Johnny English: Bough.
(Johnny English points at a door to another room, which they enter)
(In this room, Bough examines Sauvage's family tree, and Johnny English accidentally plays a DVD)
Pascal Sauvage (DVD): English. A people whose empire once covered one quarter of the surface of the Earth. Alas, no longer. Now, my friends, ask me "Pascal, how can you be so interested in such a backwards, grotty little country?" My answer is simple. The Queen. The Queen has more power in her tiny white gloves than any other head of state in the entire world. She can declare war, or make peace and most intriguing; she can seize any piece of land which takes her fancy. Of course, the Queen never uses the enormous power afforded to her, but imagine someone who would use that power. Imagine, say, me.
(Dramatic audio cue)
Bough: How can he do that, though, sir? How can he make himself king?
Johnny English: The archbishop.
(They hear someone approaching and hide. Dieter Klein enters the room, and Johnny English gets hit by the door he is hiding behind)
Johnny English: Ow.
(Johnny English approaches Dieter Klein and holds him at gunpoint)
Johnny English: Hands up. There's a good fellow. Heavily armed for a late night at the office, wouldn't you say, Bough?
Dieter Klein: You fool, English. You'll never get out of this building alive.
Johnny English: I'd save your breath for my questioning.
Dieter Klein: I'm not telling you anything.
Johnny English: Incorrect. Sodium pentothal. I wouldn't lie to you. It's a truth serum.
(Johnny English stabs Dieter Klein with the truth serum)
Johnny English: Now then. Why does Sauvage want to have himself crowned?
Dieter Klein: You have no idea what's going on here, do you? It'd be funny if it wasn't so "plublehblehbleh"
Johnny English: ...what?
(Dieter Klein speaks gibberish)
Bough: He's talking gibberish, sir.
Johnny English: Yes, I can hear that, Bough.
(Dieter Klein collapses onto Bough)
Bough: He's collapsed onto me, sir.
Johnny English: Yes, I can see that, Bough.
Bough: You don't think you could've gotten the syringes mixed up, do you, sir?
Johnny English: What do you mean?
Bough: Well, given the guard outside the truth serum, and Klein the muscle relaxant?
(Johnny English stabs himself with one of the injections)
Johnny English: Don't be ridiculous, Bough, I think I know my right from my left-
(Johnny English begins to become limp)
Bough: Sir?!
Johnny English: Oh, bugger it!
(Johnny English sits down)
Johnny English: Bough, take "flard".
Bough: Take what, sir?
Johnny English: "Flard. Schlag."
Bough: I'm not quite getting that second word, sir.
Johnny English: "Schlaaaaaag!"
Bough: Write it down, sir.
Dieter Klein: "Schlaaaaaag!"
Johnny English: Yes! Yes, knows. "Schlaaaaaag!"
Bough: C! C-A! Uh- car, take the car! We didn't come by car, sir. We came by plane.
(Johnny English and Dieter Klein both mumble gibberish)
Johnny English: Bugger off, it's mine, I'm-
(Two guards appear)
Guard: Hold it right there!
(Bough stands up and Johnny English groans)
Guard: What's wrong with them?
Bough: Well, they got their- I'm not telling you.
Guard: Wrong answer.
(The two guards are both knocked out by a fire extinguisher)
Lorna Campbell: What is it with you two?
Johnny English: Ah. Miss Campbell.
Lorna Campbell: Let's get out of here.
(The trio leave, with Bough and Lorna Campbell both holding Johnny English)
Bough: Sorry, but who are you, exactly?
Lorna Campbell: Special Agent Campbell. I'm attached to Interpol in Paris. We've been watching Sauvage for months.
(Johnny English groans and collapses)
Bough: Why?
Lorna Campbell: Because every major convict released from a Sauvage prison in the last 6 months has been employed by one of his companies. We believe he's recruiting them for a major criminal conspiracy, we just don't know what yet.
Johnny English (from the floor): Pegasus!
Lorna Campbell: ...What did he say?
(Johnny English stands up)
Johnny English: Pegasus! We have to report to Pegasus!
Bough: Oh, no, sir! No, no, no, no!
Johnny English: How do we get out of here?
Truth Serum Guard: Hey, you two! What you did to me really hurt.
Bough: Yeah, uh, sorry about that. How can we get out of here without being seen?
Truth Serum Guard: Ok. Left by the water fountain, right by the fire exit, then to the elevator at the end.
Bough: Thank you.
Truth Serum Guard: Oh, my God!
(Bough knocks out the truth serum guard)
Johnny English: Nice one, Bough!
Bough: Left, sir! Left, left!
(Johnny English mumbles)
(The trio are now in the elevator)
Bough: But sir, you can't go to Sauvage's reception in this state!
Johnny English: The effect of the drug has practically worn off, Bough. I'm "fline". "Schline". Eh, "gline".
(Classic music)
French Reception Waiter: Monsieur.
Johnny English: Ah, thank you.
(Johnny English picks up a glass of champagne and immediately drops it, his right hand twitching)
French Reception Waiter: Would you like another one?
Johnny English: Please.
(Johnny English picks up another glass, this time with both hands, and accidentally cracks it)
Johnny English: Thank you.
(Johnny English walks forward and immediately spills the champagne onto the Foreign Secretary)
Foreign Secretary: What in God's name?!
(Music stops)
Johnny English: Ah, Foreign "Sebretarary". Uh...
(Johnny English faints onto the Foreign Secretary, his face touching her breasts, and she slaps him)
Johnny English: Ow!
(Salsa version of theme music plays)
Lorna Campbell: Shall we dance?
(Johnny English and Lorna Campbell both dance suspiciously. Johnny English loses control of one of his legs, and has to force it back into position. He then glares at Pascal Sauvage, who glares back, before Lorna Campbell pushes him away)
(Dieter Klein approaches Pascal Sauvage, and the two walk away in the distance to converse inaudibly)
(Johnny English briefly faints, and is helped back up by Lorna Campbell)
Bough: Excuse me, sir.
Pegasus: Yes, Bough?
Bough: I'm ever so sorry to interrupt. I need to...
(Pegasus turns to face Pascal Sauvage)
Pegasus: Ah, Pascal, how nice to see you again!
Pascal Sauvage: Enjoying the party?
Pegasus: Oh, splendid affair.
Pascal Sauvage: I was until I was informed that your man English, and his curious boyfriend here, have spent the evening breaking into the office and assaulting my staff.
Pegasus: Is this true, Bough?
Bough: Well, we, we...
(Johnny English and Lorna Campbell continue dancing, however Johnny collides with Pegasus and accidentally holds his hands. Pegasus drops Johnny's hands, with an angry facial expression. They go to a separate room)
Pegasus: yelling What in God's name do you think you're up to?!
Bough: Sir, if I can just-
Pegasus: Go home, Bough! Now!
(Bough leaves)
Pegasus: I gave you direct orders not to meddle with Sauvage. What do you do? You break into his office and assault two of his staff.
Johnny English: Sir-
Pegasus: Then you march in here loaded with God only knows what, and insult the Foreign Secretary- I haven't encountered such behaviour in Whitehall in 30 years!
Johnny English: But-
Pegasus: There are no 'buts', English! You're off the case. Your security clearance is hereby cancelled. After a 3 month leave of absence you will return at your old grade. And I hope never to hear your name again!
(Pegasus leaves angrily, and Johnny English sadly slouches onto the floor. Pascal Sauvage is watching the ordeal on a security camera)
(Sad music plays as Johnny English walks home in the rain, Lorna Campbell watching from inside. He sits down in his flat, depressed)
Pascal Sauvage: English has seen too much. We go to Plan B. Get rid of the fake Archbishop, and greenlight a visit to Her Majesty, and then this pathetic country can humiliate itself by crowning me officially.
(The Archbishop mask is thrown into a firepit and burnt)
"The Queen's Residence at Sandringham"
(Pascal Sauvage's henchmen burst through the doors, surrounding the Queen)
Klaus Vendetta: That's a letter of abdication renouncing your claims to the throne, and to the claims of your entire family.
(Klaus Vendetta pulls out a gun, pointing it at Queen Elizabeth)
Klaus Vendetta: Sign it.
(The Queen briefly reads the letter)
Queen Elizabeth II: Never!
(Klaus Vendetta picks up one of her dogs, which whimpers as she signs the letter)
(We cut to 10 Downing Street. The phone is ringing)
Prime Minister: Yes?
Man on Phone: Prime Minister, I'm sorry to call so early. I'm afraid the Queen has abdicated.
Prime Minister: What?!
(Later that day)
Pascal Sauvage: Abdicated? But, that's not possible.
Prime Minister: I only wish that were true.
Pascal Sauvage: You know what, let me talk to her, maybe she just-
Prime Minister: Pascal, she's gone. Now, my people have spent the last 10 hours trying to come up with the rightful heir to the throne, and they've come up with a name. Which they've double checked.
Pascal Sauvage: Who is it?
Prime Minister: It's you.
Pascal Sauvage: No!
Newsreader: In the wake of the return of the crown jewels to a police station in North London, Pascal Sauvage has requested that his coronation take place this Thursday.
(Johnny English is throwing darts at a dartboard which includes Pascal Sauvage's face)
Newsreader: In the house, the Prime Minister said he was looking forward to the ceremony, and he believed that Monsieur Sauvage will make a fine king, and will bring all that is best about modern Europe to our ancient institution.
(Johnny English's doorbell rings repeatedly. Johnny English answers)
Lorna Campbell: Get your car keys. We've got work to do.
Johnny English: Miss Campbell.
Lorna Campbell: Sauvage is heading back to his chateau in France, and he's invited 13 of the richest criminal masterminds in the world to meet him there.
Johnny English: I'm sorry, Miss Campbell. I'm off the case. It's been reassigned.
Lorna Campbell: I know. Reassigned to me.
(Johnny English nods)
Lorna Campbell: Look, I want you with me, Johnny.
Johnny English: Look, just leave me alone.
Lorna Campbell: Well, what are you going to do? Sit here in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself? Or are you going to get out there and save your country?
Johnny English: ...I'm going to sit in the flat.
Lorna Campbell: Johnny, this is ridiculous.
Johnny English: I'm a spent force!
(Lorna Campbell karate punches Johnny English's hand, and he blocks)
Lorna Campbell: Spent, my arse.
(Johnny English holds his arm in pain)
(Lorna Campbell further attacks him, and he continues to block)
Johnny English: Will. You. Please. Stop?!
(Lorna grabs Johnny English's car keys, and he takes them. The two leave his flat, with adventurous music playing. However, Johnny English gets his coat stuck in the door)
Johnny English: I'll just be a minute!
(A montage scene plays, during which Johnny English and Lorna Campbell drive in Dover to catch a ferry to France. We also see Pascal Sauvage posters being hung up, and stamps with Pascal Sauvage's face being printed)
(Johnny English looks at Sauvage's chateau through binoculars, before sitting down at a café table with Lorna Campbell)
Johnny English: It'll be nightfall in an hour, and then we can strike out from the shadows. The fact is, the moment Sauvage gets that crown on his head, he'll be able to do whatever he likes with the country that I love. And that is why you, and I, have got to stop him.
(Lorna Campbell smiles at Johnny English silently)
Johnny English: Relishing the thought?
Lorna Campbell: Something like that.
(The two look at each other romantically)
Lorna Campbell: I suppose you've made love to lots of women, haven't you, Johnny?
Johnny English: Uhm... well, I mean... one does one's best.
Lorna Campbell: It's just... well, it's been three years since my fiancé left me, and... well, since then I haven't made love to anyone. But then I met you. And I felt this hunger... deep down inside, I wanted to say things to you, I wanted to do things to you that I haven't wanted to do in a very, very long time.
Johnny English: ...What... what sort of things are we talking about?
Lorna Campbell: Things like punching you in the face! Things like kicking you in the backside for being such a pompous, know-nothing arsehole! But then I began to see beyond the idiot that everybody else saw. I started to see the man on the inside. The man who was determined to do his duty no matter what or who lay in his way. And I began to feel other things. To want to do other things.
Johnny English: whispers Things... involving plastic toys and soft cheese?
Lorna Campbell: ...What?
Johnny English: What? What?
Lorna Campbell: giggles You're toying with me, aren't you? You're telling me to stop in the gentlest way you know how.
Johnny English: No. No, no-
Lorna Campbell: You're such a special person, Johnny. Not to take advantage of me whilst I'm vulnerable.
Johnny English: No, well-
Lorna Campbell: So thank you, Johnny. For being such a gentleman.
Johnny English: Hmm. Not at all.
(Johnny English and Lorna Campbell arrive at Sauvage's chateau on boat. Dramatic music plays)
Johnny English: I know what you're thinking, Miss Campbell. You're thinking "if we don't pull this off, God knows what will happen to England".
Lorna Campbell: Actually, I was thinking there must be a better way in than that pipe.
Johnny English: ...Well there isn't. I've analysed it from every possible angle and this is the best option. I'll go in first, and if it's a clear way through I'll call down, ok?
(Johnny English begins to enter the sewerage pipe)
Lorna Campbell: Johnny! Be careful.
Johnny English: I'm always careful.
(Johnny English hits his head on the pipe)
Johnny English: Oh.
(Lorna Campbell rolls her eyes)
(Johnny English fully enters the sewerage pipe. Lorna Campbell looks around and spots a ladder, which she climbs)
(Johnny English is halfway up the pipe, and begins to cough and look disgusted. The employees flush the toilet, and large amounts of sewerage fall down the pipe. We cut to Sauvage in a dining room)
Pascal Sauvage: Gentlemen. In a few hours time, I will become the next King of England.
(Back in the bathroom, Johnny English appears from a toilet, covered in sewerage. He looks at himself in the mirror, and begins to take toilet paper. Meanwhile, Lorna Campbell has just entered the building, and hides behind the bathroom door as Johnny exits)
Lorna Campbell: Hah! Ough! Pheugh!
Johnny English: How did you get here?
Lorna Campbell: pinching her nose Up the ladder.
Johnny English: Look, pull yourself together, it's only a bit of poo.
(Music plays as Lorna forces Johnny into a shower)
Johnny English: Hot! Cold! Hot! Hot! Cold! Hot! Cold!
(Cut back to Sauvage in the dining room)
Pascal Sauvage: What is the one commodity the world never seems to run out of? Criminals, gentlemen, law breakers.
(The criminals all murmur in agreement)
Pascal Sauvage: Every nation in the world struggles with the issue of overcrowded prisons.
(Cut to Johnny English and Lorna Campbell sneaking around the building. Sauvage can be heard in the background)
Pascal Sauvage: So, what do we do with all these villains? Find the solution to that problem, and the governments of the world would pay you through their nose. Fortunately, I have found a solution. We empty every prison, in the entire planet...
(A curtain opens, revealing a video playing on the screen)
Pascal Sauvage: ...we take the resulting tidal wave of human scum, and we put it here.
(The video zooms into the island of Great Britain, and dramatic music plays as the criminals murmur among themselves)
Pascal Sauvage: The moment I am crowned king I will turn England into the largest prison in the history of the world.
(The video displays a graphic of prisoners filling up the country, and a wall being built around it, before zooming into said wall and showing a real-world depiction of the island prison)
Pascal Sauvage: 210,000 square miles of prime real estate, conveniently separated from true civilization by 20 miles of ocean...
(Johnny English looks down at the projector before guiding Lorna into a small room)
Johnny English: Come on.
Pascal Sauvage: ...and soon to be available for the entire world to dump its human waste in. According to current projections, we will not run out of prison space for the next 500 years.
(Johnny English opens a small window in the room)
Pascal Sauvage: So, tonight, one, and only one, of you will leave here owning 49% of this venture. My...
(Meanwhile, in the room)
Johnny English: So that's his little game. We must get hold of that DVD.
Lorna Campbell: But how, Johnny, there's only two of us?
Johnny English: You are young, Miss Campbell...
(Johnny English leans back, pushing a button. A light changes from red to green in the main dining room)
Johnny English: ...and inexperienced. What you seem to have forgotten is that (through microphone) nobody knows we are. At our disposal, we have the vital element of surprise.
(Pascal Sauvage looks up at the room before facepalming)
Johnny English: Now my plan is simple, but effective. (through microphone) I shall drop from the gallery, at this end of the room, and take Sauvage prisoner.
(Pascal Sauvage sits down in his armchair and waits casually in a relaxed position)
Johnny English: (through microphone) You will then enter from the far door, cutting off any means of escape. Then, using Sauvage as a hostage, we'll get the hell out of here. Clear?
(Sauvage nods, looking somewhat impressed. Dramatic music plays as Johnny English jumps down into the dining room)
Johnny English: Get 'em up, you French ponce!
Pascal Sauvage: (sarcastic) Mr English. I am gobsmacked. What an... unexpected surprise.
Johnny English: Surprises are very much my speciality, Sauvage. I think we've seen enough of this. I know exactly what you're planning...
(Johnny English ejects the disc tray and attempts to take the DVD, but it falls into a tray of discs. He picks up a different disc to the one that was just playing)
Johnny English: ...and I'm here to put a stop to it. My bottom will be King of England before you are.
Pascal Sauvage: Wrong, again. Perhaps you'd care to look behind you?
(Numerous guards are now behind Johnny English, holding guns at him)
Johnny English: Oh, please.
(The guards cock their guns)
Johnny English: Lorna!
(More guards enter through the door, holding Lorna prisoner)
Lorna Campbell: I'm sorry, Johnny.
Pascal Sauvage: Well, I'm afraid that will have to conclude the floor show for tonight.
Johnny English: Not so fast, Sauvage. You may have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body, or a bullet in my gun.
(Johnny English attempts to shoot Sauvage, but faeces squirt out of his gun. He looks puzzled as audio cues play)
Pascal Sauvage: You know, Mr English, I'm going to miss you. Really. You're very entertaining. I thank you. Take them away.
(We cut to a montage)
Radio Announcer: Good morning everybody, bonjour tout le monde, and welcome to the breakfast show. As the crowds are gathering here for the crowning of our first French king since the year 1066, we asked you to call us here at London FM with the top 10 things you most love about the French. We haven't had any calls yet - uh, at all - but the lines are still open, and I'll give you that number again. 0207, zero, deux, zero, sept-
(We cut back to Johnny English and Lorna Campbell, who are now imprisoned)
Lorna Campbell: This is not good, Johnny!
Johnny English: We've got to think of something. Wait a minute, I've got an idea.
(Johnny and Lorna begin to hop towards the door)
Johnny English: Hop! Hop! Hop! Hop! And stop!
Johnny English: Now, are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan delta?
Lorna Campbell: ...What?
Johnny English: It has long been their belief that a whistle, pitched at the precise resonant frequency of a metal lock, will vibrate the levers in such a way that the door will simply swing open.
Lorna Campbell: rolls eyes Unbelievable.
Johnny English: And kneel.
(They kneel down, Lorna groaning in pain)
(Johnny whistles in an ascending tone, whilst Lorna sighs. The tone eventually goes silent)
Lorna Campbell: I can't hear anything.
Johnny English: I'm into ultrasonic.
Lorna Campbell: Johnny, can you just stop all this and face facts? We've failed. The only thing that can save us now is a miracle.
(Short fanfare plays, as Bough emerges from one of the toilets)
(Johnny English is making car noises, and the door unlocks)
Johnny English: It's worked!
(The door opens, and hits Johnny)
Johnny English: Oh!
Bough: Sir?
(The three are driving back to England. Lorna Campbell is covering her nose with a tissue)
Johnny English: I don't know why you hauled yourself up that dreadful poo tube, Bough, when there's a perfectly good ladder right beside it.
(Lorna Campbell looks at Bough, rolling her eyes)
Johnny English: Now, Sauvage may have fooled the country with his fake archbishop and his secret agenda, but he's not fooled me.
(Johnny English pulls out the DVD he stole earlier and hands it to Bough)
Johnny English: So, here's the plan.
(Lorna Campbell breathes in)
(Meanwhile, military band music is players, as UK citizens cheer and people around the whole tune in to watch Sauvage's coronation on TV)
(An orchestra sings, as Pascal Sauvage enters the cathedral)
"Let all good people rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice."
(Johnny English knocks out the chosen bishop for England, and takes his clothes)
"Rejoice. Let all good people rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice... and sing."
Archbishop of Canterbury: Sirs, you are hereby called to witness the anointing of your one true lord and future king, Pascal. Pascal, are you willing to take the oath?
Pascal Sauvage: I am willing.
Archbishop of Canterbury: Then be thou anointed with this holy oil.
(The archbishop anoints Sauvage with the holy oil)
Archbishop of Canterbury: And do you, the chosen bishops of England, Scotland and Wales, accent to this anointing?
Scottish Bishop: For Scotland, I do.
Welsh Bishop: For Wales, I do.
Johnny English: For England, I do not!
(The crowd gasp and murmur in shock. Sauvage angrily looks at Johnny English)
Pegasus: English!
Johnny English: That man must not be crowned king, because he is a fraudster, a charlatan, and a thief!
(Security guards run into the room)
Pascal Sauvage: No, please, let him speak.
Johnny English: It is this man, Pascal Sauvage, who stole the Crown Jewels...
(The crowd gasp, and Pegasus rolls his eyes)
Johnny English: ...who forced the Queen to abdicate, and would kill anyone who got in his way.
(Sauvage glances at an upper platform, where Klaus Vendetta is pointing a gun at Johnny English)
Klaus Vendetta: It is the end, Herr English.
(He yells as he is attacked by Lorna Campbell)
Johnny English (in the background): He has cheated, conned and manipulated this great country for his own ends. He's fooled you all!
Johnny English: What's more, this whole ceremony is a sham, because that man, standing in front of you, is not the Archbishop of Canterbury!
(The crowd all gasp in shock, and the Prime Minister looks speechless)
Pascal Sauvage: English, a word of advice; don't go there.
Johnny English: Shut it, Frenchie! I'll go wherever I damn well please. Now, take it off!
Archbishop of Canterbury: What?
Johnny English: Your face is made of plastic. Remove it at once!
Archbishop of Canterbury: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Johnny English: Right. Well, I'll just have to remove it myself. Come on!
(Johnny English begins to grab the Archbishop's face, and the crowd groan and mutter)
Johnny English: (inaudible)
Archbishop of Canterbury: I don't-!
Johnny English: Maybe it pulls up from the front.
(The Archbishop groans and the crowd yell in shock, as Pegasus facepalms)
Johnny English: Come on, you!
(We cut back to Lorna Campbell and Klaus Vendetta, who are still fighting each other. Lorna is briefly knocked out, and Vendetta attempts to shoot Johnny, but he is kicked in genitals by Lorna and falls unconscious)
Lorna Campbell: Thank you very much.
(Back on the ground level)
Johnny English: Must be a joint here, somewhere.
Pascal Sauvage: Fascinating performance, as always, Mr English, but I'm afraid we must move on.
Johnny English: Nobody's moving anywhere! Until I've finished with this piece of lowlife. Do you, or do you not, have tattooed on your bottom, the words "Jesus is coming - look busy"?
(The crowd mutters, and Sauvage looks in confusion)
Archbishop of Canterbury: Are you insane?!
Johnny English: Well, let's find out, shall we? Go on, over. Go on, let's have a look.
(Johnny English exposes the Archbishop's bottom, which is not tattooed. The crowd gasp and scream)
Elderly Man: I say!
(A group of Australians watching the coronation on TV laugh hysterically. Johnny English slowly realises his mistake, and quickly covers up the archbishop's bottom)
Johnny English: Alright. So I was wrong about the Archbishop's bottom. But, there's more.
Pascal Sauvage: But not, I'm afraid, today. Sergeant, uh, please take this man away. But be gentle with him.
(The security guards begin to carry Johnny English outside the room)
Johnny English: You think that's it? What, do you think I don't have more evidence? My loyal subordinate is standing by with a DVD...
(Music turns slightly sinister, and Sauvage's eyes widen)
Johnny English: ...which shows Sauvage's hideous plans for this country.
Pascal Sauvage: GET HIM OUT! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
Johnny English: Play it, Bough! Play the disc!
(Bough is in a room and threatens a technician)
Bough: Play it! Now!
(The man plays the disc. Pop music begins to build up. The crowd, Archbishop, chosen bishops and Sauvage all slowly look at the screen. Johnny English is on video, dancing in his underclothes and lip syncing)
"You're so hot. Teasing me. So you're blue, but I can't take a chance on a chick like you."
(The crowd all look shocked)
"It's something I couldn't do."
(Johnny English looks shocked)
(An Indian family are laughing at the TV) "Well I can dance with you honey, if you think it's funny."
"Does your mother know that you're out?"
(Sauvage watches the screen somewhat impressed, whilst Pegasus and a woman in the crowd look in disbelief)
"Well I could shout with you, baby. Flirt a little, maybe."
(Johnny English mouths the lyrics) "Does your mother know that you're out?"
"In the video, Johnny English pulls a showercap over his face, and begins waving his arms. Pegasus sighs)
"Take it easy (take it easy), better slow down girl.
That's the way you go. Does your mother know?"
(In the video, Johnny English begins thrusting his hips, a bulge exposed in his genital region. Bough looks away from the screen, stunned)
(Everyone in the room is stunned. Johnny English slowly inches away, before running)
Security Guards: Oi!
(The guards chase after him)
Pascal Sauvage: Nunc. Allure. Well, shall we?
(The Archbishop of Canterbury, traumatised, breathes in slowly, and proceeds with the ceremony. Meanwhile, Johnny English hides behind some curtains, losing the guards)
Archbishop of Canterbury: Then, as Solomon was anointed king, by Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet, so thou be anointed and consecrated king over all the peoples, whom the Lord thy God, hath given thee to govern. And of all your possessions, wherever they may be. And so, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, I crown you-
(Johnny English swings across the room on a wire, taking the crown. He tries to grab a ledge, but misses, causing him to swing back and forth)
Johnny English: Ugh. Damn it.
Pascal Sauvage: Give it back!
Johnny English: No!
Pascal Sauvage: That is my crown!
Johnny English: Never!
Pascal Sauvage: Give it back!
Johnny English: Never in a million years, Sauvage.
Pascal Sauvage: (jumps) Give it to me!
Johnny English: Get off!
Pascal Sauvage: Merde! (angry French)
(Pascal Sauvage pulls out a gun, and points it at Johnny English)
Pascal Sauvage: Give it!
Prime Minister: Pascal!
(Pascal Sauvage turns around, pointing the gun at the Prime Minister, and the entire audience duck for cover)
Pascal Sauvage: Shut up! All this stupid little country has to do, is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day. But can it do that? My fragrant French arse, it can't!
(Sauvage turns around and squats over, pointing his bottom at the crowd, before pointing the gun back at Johnny English. He shoots, but misses, and screams before shooting a second time, knocking the crown out of Johnny English's hand)
Pascal Sauvage: Give it! Crown, eh! Crown, go! (yells angry French)
Archbishop of Canterbury: And so, in the name of the Father, and of the Son...
(Lorna Campbell points a gun at Sauvage)
Archbishop of Canterbury: ...and of the Holy Ghost, I crown you...
(Johnny English falls from the wire, knocking Sauvage off the throne and landing in his place)
Archbishop of Canterbury: ...king.
(Lorna Campbell puts her gun down)
Lorna Campbell: ...What?
(The crowd all stare in shock. Johnny English slowly looks up and touches the crown on his head in disbelief. Sauvage glares at him. After a very long pause, Johnny English speaks)
Johnny English: (poshly) Arrest that man, and lock him away!
(The crowd cheers as the security guards drag Sauvage away. Pegasus and the Prime Minister are still in shock)
"God Save the Queen. God Save the Queen. God Save the Queen."
(Chorus continues to sing. Bough appears with the choir and looks at Johnny English terrified, whilst Johnny English smiles immaturely at him and shakes the crown on his head. Meanwhile, Lorna Campbell appears on the ground floor and bows at Johnny English. We cut to Buckingham Palace)
Queen Elizabeth II: Words can hardly express just how much we appreciate everything you've done.
Johnny English: Nothing more than my duty, ma'am.
Queen Elizabeth II: And in return, is there anything your Queen and country can do for you?
(Johnny English looks over at a sword)
Johnny English: Well, since one is asking, ma'am...
Newsreader: In celebration of her return to the throne, the Queen has declared August 5th a national holiday, and has conferred a knighthood on the unnamed MI7 agent responsible for foiling the plot of the French businessman, Pascal Sauvage. Monsieur Sauvage is now awaiting trial for high treason, a crime which still carries the death penalty. If found guilty, he's asked that his brain be donated to medical science, to further research the causes of hyper manic schizophrenia. Meanwhile, the unnamed English agent has left the country, and is already embarking on his next challenging mission.
(Somewhere in the South of France)
Lorna Campbell: Sir Johnny English.
Johnny English: Her Majesty did seem very grateful.
Lorna Campbell: She's not the only one.
(Johnny English presses a button, as champagne glasses appear inside his car)
Lorna Campbell: Oh. You are full of surprises.
(They lean in to kiss each other, however Johnny accidentally sits on an eject button, ejecting her from his car)
Lorna Campbell: Ahhhhh! Johnny!
Johnny English: Oh!
(In a mid-credits scene, Lorna Campbell falls into a swimming pool, where Bough and the man matching Johnny English's "assailant" are on holiday. They both look up from their newspapers in shock, as Lorna emerges from the water.)
The Times: Knighthood for hero English. Sauvage faces long jail term.
Nouvelles Mondiales: English touche la couronne