Narrator: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life.
Cue Private's egg revealed under the snow, which rolls over the snow.
Narrator: And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...
As the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski, they move out of the way.
Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?
Penguin #1: Who cares?
Penguin #2: I question nothing.
Penguin #3: Me, too.
Penguin #4: Me, too.
Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.
They flap their wings but cannot fly.
Kowalski: Skipper, we appear to be flightless.
Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well, what's the point of these?
Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five.
Skipper: Whoa, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.
The egg rolls under the trio, flipping them over.
Skipper: Hey! Anybody see that? That's an egg! Is someone gonna go get it?
Penguin #5: We can't do that.
Skipper: Why not?
Penguin #6: Well, it's a dangerous world out there, and we're just penguins. You know, nothing but cute and cuddly.
Penguin #7: Yeah. Why do you think there are always documentary crews filming us?
Zoom out a bit to see a cameraman and sound man recording the penguin line.
Penguin #8: Well, sorry, kid. You know, we lose a few eggs every year. It's just nature.
Skipper: Oh, right, nature. I guess that makes sense, but... something... something deep down in my gut tells me that it makes no sense at all. You know what? I reject nature!
The other adult penguins gasp in disbelief.
Skipper: Who's with me?!
Skipper cries out and starts sliding towards the egg. Rico and Kowalski look at Skipper in confusion.
Rico: Ha-ha!
Kowalski: The old ship. No one's ever returned from there alive.
Skipper: Relax, Kowalski. There's a bird down there now. Look, he's fine. [notices some leopard seals] Leopard seals... nature's snakes.
Kowalski: Aren't snakes nature's snakes?
Skipper: How should I know? I live on the flipping frozen tundra. [the leopard seals go to the egg] They're going for the egg! Give me a way down there, ASAP!
Kowalski: All one would have to do is collect 300 feet of kelp, dry it in the...
Narrator: Tiny and helpless, the baby penguins are frozen with fear. They know if they fall from this cliff, they will surely die. [to Gunter] Gunter, give them a shove.
Kowalski: ...harnessing the jellyfish we've trained to obey simple voice commands.
Skipper: Now, that's more like it! That-a-boy, Rico! Don't let him have it! Okay. I guess that works.
Kowalski: Get to high ground!
Skipper: Boo-yah!
Kowalski: Success!
Kowalski: I'd recommend firing it now.
Skipper: Nope, hold on.
Kowalski: Uh, we really should fire it.
Skipper: Not till we see the white of its eyes.
Kowalski: They're mostly pupil. Very little white. Almost none!
Skipper: They got to have a little bit of white, right?
Kowalski: None whatsoever.
Skipper: What if they look really far to the left? Fire in the hole!
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis?
Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!
Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High one!
They all high five, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they just saved.
Skipper: Oops. My bad.
The penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch.
Skipper: Look, it's... it's the miracle of birth.
Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty.
Suddenly, Private's egg explodes open, splashing the three penguins in goop, much to their disgust.
Skipper: Daaagh!! That is disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!
Much to the surprise of the three penguins, the newly hatched Private gets up, but look at him lovingly.
Private: Hello. Are you my family?
The three penguins turn, knowing they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private.
Kowalski: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.
Private: Wh-Wha...?
Skipper elbows Kowalski.
Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.
Skipper: [hits Kowalski] No one's gonna die! [to Private] Y'know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.
He salutes Private, who salutes back.
Skipper: [tussles Private's head] So adorable.
He turns away from Private, looking at the sun.
Skipper: Kowalski, what's our trajectory?
Kowalski: Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed.
Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?
Kowalski: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.
Skipper: I'll take that action.
Private: Where are going?
Skipper: The future, boys. The glorious future.
[The Glorious Future]
Marty: [singing] Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, circus! Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, Afro Circus!
Skipper: Ah, this song! I swear it's gonna make me lose my salmon!
Kowalski: Singing getting louder, Skipper!
Skipper: Well, move faster! And somebody get that wig off of Private?
[Private is seen dancing to "Afro-Circus" with a rainbow afro wig and Rico removes the wig of Private's head, much to the latter's dismay.]
Skipper: Kowalski, status report!
Kowalski: I'm really getting tired of this song!
Skipper: The best part of owning a circus is you can transport a cannon over state lines.
[Title card]
Skipper: Ten years ago on this very day, a tiny egg hatched, and our world got a little bit cuter. [Private giggles] So tonight, Private, we celebrate your birthday by infiltrating the United States gold depository at Fort Knox!
Kowalski: Splendid!
Private: What?
Skipper: There she is, boys. The object of our unholy desire. The butter on our biscuit. The royal flush.
Private: Skipper?
Skipper: Private, what's our rule about interrupting analogies?
Private: Sorry. Please continue.
Skipper: The moment's gone. Private ruined it.
Kowalski: Sir, we're approaching our target.
Private: But, Skipper, I really don't...
Skipper: Are you questioning my leadership, Private?
Private: No, sir.
Skipper: Too bad. 'Cause I respect a soldier with some moxie.
Private: Really? Then I really think we should...
Skipper: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dial back the moxie, sass-mouth. Oh, look at you. Still so adorable. Fire in the hole!
Toy Clock: 8 o'clock. Night night time.
Guards: Wha...?
Skipper: Private, come on!
Guard: Please enter pass code.
Skipper: Kowalski, you're up.
Guard: Please enter pass code.
Kowalski: Rico, sonic incursion device.
Skipper: Oh, come on, you're kidding right?Kowalski: Kentucky, Skipper. They do love their Flatt and Scruggs.
Guard: Y'all come in now, y'hear? Have yourself a iced tea.
Skipper: Private, if you could have anything you wanted in the whole wide world, what would it be?
Private: Well, gee, Skipper. I think to be a meaningful and valued member of this team.
Skipper: Oh, well, we got you something else.
Camera zooms in to a vending machine in the break room. Kowalski and Rico both carry Private in front of Skipper.
Private: A vending machine?
Skipper: Well, not just any vending machine, Private. The last remaining home in America's nanny states for those succulent and chemically-hazerdous bits of puffed heaven called...
Private: [gasps] Cheesy Dibbles!
Skipper: [gives Private a coin] Happy ding-dong birthday, ya little scamp!
Private: Thank you.
Private pecks Skipper on the cheek, followed by Kowalski, finally giving one to Rico, only for the latter to hold Private for ten seconds before releasing him. Cue Skipper, Kowalski and Rico smiling at Private with satisfaction.
Skipper: You mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns, Private. Now hit that machine and get your present.
Private tosses the coin into the machine and tries to reach in the slot to get the bag.
Skipper: We just broke in the most secure facility in North America. Do you know what that means?
Kowalski: We're wanted criminals who will be on the lam for the rest of their lives, always feeling the hot breath of Johnny Law on our necks? Skipper: No. It means, as elite units go, we're the elitist of the elite. Top shelf in the bureau. The penultimates. Plus one.
As Private struggles to get the bag out of the vending machine he ends up getting pulled into the machine.
Skipper: Where'd Private go?
They walk over closer to the vending machine.
Kowalski: Oh, there he is.
The penguins notice that Private is stuck up in the machine.
Kowalski: D3.
Skipper: Oh, Private. How much is he?
Kowalski: He's three dollars and fifty cents, sir.
Skipper: Well, that's outrageous. Even for Private.
Suddenly, an octopus tentacle comes out of the vending machine slot, grabs Rico and takes him into the machine.
Kowalski: Sir, the machine is alive!
The octopus tentacle comes out of vending machine again and takes Kowalski.
Skipper: [angrily] Well, I don't think I like your attitude, vending machine. Or your prices! [in battle stance] Release them!
The tentacle comes back out and grabs Skipper in.
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: All evidence indicates... [his stomach grumbles] Oooh, I ate too many Cheezy Dibbles.
Private coughs out an orange cloud of dust.
Skipper: We're behind enemy lines and incredibly thirsty. Rico, bust us out of this delicious prison.
Rico sticks out his tongue holding a paper clip and uses it to unlock the door.
Skipper: Nice work, Rico. You are a meaningful and valued member of this team.
As the penguins exit the cage, Private becomes upset. Then he looks at the paper clip Rico used, takes it and swallows it. He tries coughing it up, but no success.
Skipper: [o.s.] Private, quit lollygagging. And regular gagging. Private: Sorry. Skipper: It's dark and ominous. Two of my least favorite traits in a room. Private: Ooh, look, a button! Skipper: Huh? Private, don't!
Private pushes the button and the platform underneath them descends and they drop down to another room.
Skipper: Now what have I told you about- Private: [presses another button] Sorry, what?
A giant ray wheels to them and a laser pops out pointing at the penguins.
Kowalski: It looks like some sort of giant laser sent to kill us all, sir.
Skipper steps back from the laser's angle.
Private: Ooh, another one! Skipper, Kowalski, Rico: NO!
They stop Private from pushing the button. Suddenly, drops of water comes down on the panel and on the flippers. The penguins look up.
Dr. Octavius Brine: Naughty, naughty. Pretty birds belong in their cages.
He is seen walking on the catwalk, but the camera shows that he is walking upside down. He drops down and his limbs are tangled up. The penguins groan in disgust. The scientist gets himself in that tangled position and screws his head right. Penguins: Ew! Dr. Octavius Brine: Now, that's just hurtful. [untangles himself] And I was so happy to see you again, Skipper, [Skipper gasps] Kowalski, Rico, and sweet little Private. [flicks Private's beak] Boop! Skipper: Who are you? Dr. Octavius Brine: The humans know me as Dr. Octavius Brine. Renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives. But you know me by a different much older name. A name perhaps you'd hoped you'd never hear again. A phantom! A shadow of a former life! I am
A purple octopus emerges from the costume of Dr. Brine.
Dave: Dave!
The penguins gave long surprised looks at Dave with the Dr. Brine hairpiece on his head.
Skipper: Kowalski? Kowalski: Sorry, sir. No clue. Dave: [takes off the hairpiece] Dave!!! Kowalski: Dave... Dave: Dave. Skipper: Dave? Dave: Dave. Private: Dave. Dave: Dave! Rico: [gibberish].
Dave gives a confused look. A cricket chirp is heard. The penguins look to see a cricket doing the chirp, who then stops.
Cricket: Sorry. [leaves then stops and turns] Wait, wait. Uh, I live this way. [leaves] Skipper: Go ahead, Dan, continue. Dave: You seriously don't remember me? Skipper: Dave! Dave! Right! Oh yeah, long time. Uh, how's the wife?
In response, Dave punches the wall above Skipper's head.
Dave: I've never been married! You may not remember me, but I could never forget you. [grabs a snow globe and shakes it] Let's shake up some old memories. New York City. The Central Park Zoo. Life was good. Roomy tank, great location, monkey-house views. And, of course... my adoring legion of fans. Girl: Cool. Dave: Dave! The octopus of a thousand tricks. Boy: Awesome! Dave: I was the total package. Girl: Wow. Man: Hey, kids! You got to see this. Get up here quick! Woman: Come on, kids. Come on... Dave: And then you arrived. Man: Oh, they're so adorable! Skipper: Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. Dave: And took everything from me. Woman: They're so cute! Girl: They're so adorable. Woman: Have you ever seen anything cuter? Dave: Four adorable baby penguins. With you around, no one wanted an old octopus anymore. "Out you go, Dave." And so it went, over and over, at zoo after aquarium. Kid: Dad, look! Man: I can't see the penguins, man! Whoo yeah! Dave: Adorable penguins stole the show. While I was shunned. Forgotten. Unwanted. Alone. Private: That sounds awful. Dave: Oh, it was. I came to realize some creatures are born to get all the love. The rest of us get nothing! The only thing that has kept me going all these years is my burning thirst for revenge! And my precious souvenir snow globe collection.
Rico swallows the rest of Dave's snow globe collection.
Dave: Ah! What is wrong with you?! Skipper: Oh, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, you can't blame us for what happened to you. Dave: Uh, can. That's how this whole revenge thing works. And with this, I finally have the power to destroy you. Private: Crikey! Dave: Nicolas, cage them. Skipper: I've got some bad news for you, Dennis. You messed with the wrong birds. Because we are an elite unit, the best of the best. Cream of the corn on a platinum cob. And we're gonna take your deadly green goop and sashay right out the exit hatch. Dave: And just how are you going to do that? Skipper: Deploy secret weapon. Dave: The cheese, it burns! Skipper: Roll out. Dave: After them! Skipper: All right, boys, it's just like Cuba. Taxi! How about some music? Something chase-y. Private: Here they come. Skipper: Let's move. Private: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke again! Stroke some more! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Sorry! Stroke! Stroke! We got baddies, six o'clock. Skipper: Kowalski, battle formation. So you squeegees want to do the gondola mambo? Let's dance. Mother-of-pearl, that stings! I've lost visual. Kowalski, be my eyes. Kowalski: Uh, left. Right, right! Up! Duck. Skipper: I think I got 'em. Kowalski: They are down, sir. Skipper: Excelente. Private: Skipper! Kowalski: They're back up. And we are running out of canal. Skipper: Parker Posey! Go all-terrain. Italian Man: Will you marry me? Skipper: We've lost engine one! Kowalski: And two and three. Private: Four! Skipper: Switch to emergency power. Private: Aye, aye, Skipper. We've got melons! Dead ahead! Skipper: I can see. Rico, the glowy thing! Venetian blinded again! Kowalski: We've been boarded. Skipper: Initiate self-destruct sequence. Nice. Private: Whee! Skipper: Frankly, I'm surprised we had a self-destruct sequence. All right, boys, battle stance. Kowalski: We're in battle stance, sir. Skipper: Oh. Okay, good. Now we uh, spring our trap. Kowalski: I'm not sure they're the ones that are trapped, sir. Skipper: Kowalski, remember our little talk about true but unhelpful comments? Kowalski: Yes, sir. Skipper: Sometimes we just have to wing it. Kowalski: Wow. Sorry for underestimating the plan, Skipper. Skipper: It's okay, Kowalski. Just don't ever doubt me again. Now, what the heck is going on?! Classified: Remain calm, penguins. You are now under the protection of the North Wind. You're welcome. Corporal: Oh my gosh. You guys are so cute. You guys are just so, so cute! And cuddly. Skipper: Hey, get away! No more hugs! Corporal: It's like being licked by a basket full of puppy dogs. Classified: Corporal! Corporal! Chart a course back to North Wind headquarters. Eva, inform them that we're bringing in witnesses. Skipper: Private, Dibble me. We're not going anywhere with you. We don't even know who the heck you are. Classified: The North Wind is an elite undercover interspe... The North Wind is an elite under... An elite undercover interspecies... ...task... force, dedicated to help... helping... Dedicated to helping... (angrily) Dedi... (speaks faster) Dedicated to helping animals who can't help themselves. Like penguins. Skipper: Really? And you are? Classified: My name is classified. Skipper: Classified, eh? What is that, Dutch? Can't really hear the accent. Classified: Excuse me? Skipper: There's the accent. Classified: No, my name isn't Classified. My name is classified because I am the leader of this strike team. The seal is Short Fuse, weapons and explosives. The bear is Corporal, he's our muscle. And the owl is Eva, intelligence and analysis. Skipper: Well, Agent Classified, we happen to be an elite unit, too. Ship: Self-destruct sequence activated. Skipper: You know, you should really label these things. Ship: In three, two, one... Skipper: The name's Skipper. I run this outfit. Back there is Kowalski. He's the brains of our operation. Say something smart, Kowalski. Kowalski: Uh… Skipper: See? He's working on a whole 'nother level. And Rico, he's our demolition expert. He destroyed that chair for the sheer fun of it. No reason at all. And then there's Private. He's... he's sort of our, you know, secretary/mascot. Classified: Cute. Corporal: And cuddly. Oh, sorry. Classified: Well, let's see how well "cute and cuddly" handles this next bit. Skipper: Nice doggy door. Private: Wow. Look at this. Skipper: Well, well, well. Not a bad place you got here, Classified. Classified: Thank you. That's not my name. Announcer: Arrival at pad 17. Classified: All right, tiny penguins, the best way for the North Wind to protect helpless animals like yourselves is to bring Dr. Brine to justice. Now, you were inside his sub, so I need to know everything you know. Skipper: Yee-hoo! Kowalski: Ha-ha! Private: Whee! Penguins: Hey! Classified: Just tell me everything you know. Skipper: All right. Numero uno: Never trust a Dutchman in a tulip fight. Classified: Tulip fight... Skipper: Canada is secretly training an army of Sasquatch. Classified: Sasquatch… Skipper: Hot dogs are, in fact, only 17 percent actual dog. Classified: 17 percent… Classified: Not "everything" everything. Just... everything regarding your abduction by Dr. Octavius Brine. Skipper: Ah. Why didn't you say so? Classified: What? Skipper: My team has uncovered that Dr. Octavius Brine is actually an individual known as Derek. Kowalski: Dave. Skipper: As Dave the octopus. Short Fuse: An octopus? No. Dr. Brine is not an octopus. He is... Classified: An octopus. Precisely. That's exactly what our intel indicated. Release the sheep.
A sheep is kicked out of a North Wind barn.
Classified: What you, of course, could not know is that Dr. Brine's laboratory in Venice is secretly developing a doomsday weapon called the "Medusa Serum." Skipper: Ah, but what you don't know is that Dirk... Kowalski: Dave. Skipper: Dave won't be using his Bazooka Serum... Kowalski: Medusa Serum. Skipper: Medusa Serum on anybody. Kowalski: That part is accurate. Skipper: Show him, Rico.
Rico spits out the vial containing the Medusa Serum.
Classified: You... you stole the Medusa Serum. Skipper: Well, stole the serum, saved the day, did your job for you. Call it what you will.
Suddenly, the screen goes on, revealing Dave.
Skipper: Debbie! Kowalski: Dave. Skipper: Dave! Corporal: He hacked into our system.
There's no sound on-screen as Dave speaks.
Eva: Where's the sound? Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on. Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone. Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens. Dave: Hello?
[the screen goes off]
Dave: Hello? Kowalski: Well, now we can hear you. Short Fuse: So annoying! Kowalski: But we cannot see you. Short Fuse: Every time! Classified: It's like talking to my parents. Dave: How about now? [comes back on-screen]
Everyone cheers in agreement.
Private: Hurray! Corporal: Great! Classified: Yes! We've got you. That's fantastic. Dave: Excellent! Now, where was I? [starts doing an evil laugh] Kowalski: Dave!
Short Fuse growls.
Dave: Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo mates. Skipper: We were never mates. There was no mating. Classified: Turn in yourself, David. You're powerless now that I've stolen you precious Medusa Serum. Skipper: What? You? You didn't steal that! Classified: It's over. Dave: It's over? Then why did I call you? Weird. Oh, maybe it was to show you this!
As soon as Dave turns the camera to show them a giant vial containing the Medusa Serum, everyone gasps in shock.
Kowalski: That is a lot of serum for four penguins. Dave: Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No. No, no, no, no. We're just getting started.
Dave takes a selfie with a camera.
Dave: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... for revenge!
Dave presses the button to turn off the screen but nothing happens. He presses it again but still nothing happens.
Dave: Wait. How do you...?
Dave turns to his octopus thugs for help.
Dave: What do I push? Is it the red? Or... I thought it was...it's not this...
Dave presses something and the screen goes blank. The picture of Dave in front of the serum comes out of the printer. Then an alarm starts blaring.
Eva: Incoming alert. Classified: Put it on the screen. Eva: The Berlin Zoo... 15 penguins missing. Private: Dave's kidnapping other penguins! Corporal: No doubt cute and cuddly. Classified and Skipper: We have to move! What? Classified [simultaneously with Skipper]: Time for our A-game. Skipper [simultaneously with Classified]: Everybody, huddle up. Classified: Corporal, ready the jet. I'm initiating North Wind Protocol Zeta. Eva: 12 more penguins taken from London Zoo. Skipper: Okay, boys, this is it. The mission we've been preparing for our entire lives. We're gonna take down Dave or die trying. Kowalski, cancel our improv class! Kowalski: Yes, sir. Skipper: Rico, equipify. Rico: Hai! Skipper: Private, do that little thing I like.
Private salutes while making a silly face.
Skipper: It's still funny. Kowalski: Skipper, good news. I got them to credit our class. Corporal: Sir, the jet is ready. Skipper: Oh, yeah, baby! Just like Super Bowl 19! Private: Whee! Short Fuse: They're stealing my stuff!
Rico swallows a missile.
Classified: No! This mission has no place for a pathetic waddle of useless penguins! Skipper: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you calling pathetic? Classified: Enough!
Classified bangs the table, causing Rico to spit out the missile which destroys the jet.
Skipper: See, Rico, that's why you can't have nice things.
Classified starts hitting the penguins with tranquilizer darts, rendering them unconscious.
Private: Ooh! Kowalski: You know, [dart hits him] hoo… I'm pretty good with computers myself.
Corporal puts the sleeping penguins in a small cardboard box.
Short Fuse: Put on your jammies, penguin. Corporal: Aw… Eva: They are even cute when they're asleep. Short Fuse: Not to me. Classified: I want these butterballs out of my way and out of my mission. Ship them to one of our safe houses. The most remote place on the planet.
Corporal closes the box. Cut to inside of a plane heading to Madagascar.
Skipper: Ugh, where the heck are we? Kowalski: Oxygen content is low. I suggest we limit our breathing.
Then the sound of a fart broke the silence.
Skipper: Aw, Private!
The three Penguins rip holes on the box to breathe for air.
Private: Sorry. I get gassy when I fly. Skipper: Toot sweet! He does! Kowalski: We must be on a plane!
The Penguins move the box to be free. Skipper, Kowalski and Rico have darts on their necks and Private has a dart on his butt.
Kowalski: What did North Wind do to us? Private: Oh! They gave us badges!
All but Private take off the darts.
Skipper: Not badges, tranquilizer darts! Classified! That low-down dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission! Kowalski: He thinks we can't save the penguins because we're just “penguins”. Skipper: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're us! And if anyone's gonna save us, it's us. Kowalski: But, Skipper, we've gotta be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options. Skipper: I make my own options. Kowalski: Brilliant move, Skipper, but now we seem to be outside the plane. Skipper: Well, kind of got caught up in the moment. Well, hindsight's 20/20. Okay, Kowalski, your turn to pick up the slack. Kowalski: Uh… Private: Oh, why don't we catch that plane? Pilot: Bird strike, log it. Kowalski: We've got another target at 12 o'clock. Skipper: Good, it's only 11:30. Follow me, boys! We're going in hot.
Private starts burning like a meteor.
Skipper: No one likes a show-off, Private. Kowalski: Aim for first class! Private: I'm okay! Skipper: Kowalski, where does this aircraft go? Kowalski: From the odd shape of this bagel, I'd say we're headed for Paris. Skipper: France? Forget it! Not with their tax laws! Kowalski: Then I would suggest a mid-air transfer. Skipper: Affirmative. Private: Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts, peanut, peanut, peanut, peanut, peanut, peanut! We're out of peanuts, Skipper! Skipper: Try pretzels, Private. Bingo. There's our ride, boys. Can't stay, doll. Danger is my mistress. Ah! Rico, more height. Private: Pretzels! Pretzels! Pretzel, pretzel, pretzels! We're out of pretzels! Skipper: Yeah? Then we're leaving just time, 'cause these folks are gonna freak! Kowalski: Deploy flaps. Skipper: Stay on target! Private: We're gonna catch it, we're gonna catch it! Crikey! We're not gonna catch it! Kowalski: Wait a minute, where's Skipper? Skipper: Time to get creative. Start grabbing boxes, boys. Private: Going long! Skipper: Oh, Private, stop playing with those backpacks. Find something useful. Now we're talking. Let's get to work. Kowalski: 400 meters. 300 meters. Skipper: Speak American, Kowalski! Kowalski: Sorry, sir. 218 yards. 109 yards. Skipper: Okay, then. It's clear what we need to do next. Kowalski: That feels right. Skipper: Impressive bouncing, boys. Now, then, back to civilization. If we're gonna take Dexter down, we need to know where he's gonna strike next. Brazilian Penguin: Yeah! Brazilian Penguins: Goal! Dr. Octavius Brine: Elijah, would you please take them away. Eva: Penguin footprints, still warm. We just missed Dave. Classified: Blast it, he's gone. Corporal: So many penguins! Aah! Short Fuse: Boss! He's stress-eating again! Classified: Corporal? Eva: There, there. Short Fuse: Rub the angry out of the tummy. Classified: Corporal? Fo... focus. We are going to save those helpless penguins, because... we are the North Wind, and no one... no one breaks the Wind. Corporal: No one breaks the Wind. Classified: There's a good Corporal. Now, we rescued those four penguins already, didn't we? Shipped them off all cozy and snug to a Madagascar safe... How come there's beeping? Eva: Sir, those penguins... They never made it to Madagascar. Classified: What? Well, where the dickens are they? Skipper: Kowalski, what are our coordinates? Kowalski: From my calculations, we've arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.
[Shanghai]
Skipper: All right, soldiers, we got to blend in. Riverdance. No time to kiss the Blarney stone, boys. We need to find intel on Dave's location, pronto. Aha! All right, you, where's Dave! Give us the goods. Spit it out! Don't make me use shillelagh! Kowalski: Sir, that's... That's a baby squid. Skipper: Sorry, laddie. Ugh. Stranded on the Emerald Isle without a single clue. Well, so much for the luck o' the Irish. Kowalski: Skipper, look! Skipper: Huh? Begorrah! Does anyone speak Gaelic? Kowalski: No. But it looks like Dave's been busy. He's stolen penguins from Guadalajara! Private: Madrid! Skipper: Paris! Kowalski: Athens! Skipper: Bangalore! Kowalski: Dusseldorf! Private: Osaka! Kowalski: Rio de Janeiro! Private: Nairobi! Skipper: Amsterdam! Private: Baton Rouge! Skipper: Dave's snow globe collection. Kowalski: It's every zoo and aquarium he got kicked out of! Skipper: Don't tell me where he has been, tell me where he will have has been next.
Rico starts gagging.
Skipper: Wait, what is it, Rico? It's a book! It's a film! It's a play! First word. Two syllables. Sounds like “huyh”... Sounds like "huuh"? Sounds like "hyech!" What starts with "hyech"?
Rico spits out Dave's Shanghai snow globe.
Skipper: Shanghai. Kowalski: Dave hasn't been there yet, Skipper. If we hurry, we can still stop him. Skipper: Nice work, Rico. Pack your bagpipes, boys. It's time to blow this potato stand. So this is it. Shanghai's famous Little Dublin district. Private: Skipper, look! Skipper: I see you, Private. Who's the big boy standing on his tippy-toes? Private: Wha...? No, I mean... Skipper: I just want to eat you up. Kowalski: Skipper, look! Above Private! Dave's next target... Shanghai's famous mermaid penguins. Skipper: Good eye, Kowalski. And once again, you've proved that you are a meaningful and valued member of this team. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Shanghai Marine World is pleased to present our world-famous Mermaid Penguins! Tonight, our mermaids dedicate their performance to all the missing penguins around the world. Stay safe, little guys, wherever you are. And we hope you come home real soon. Skipper: Keep those eyes roving, boys. Dave is a master of disguise. He could be a small child, a house plant, maybe even you or me! Is it you, Kowalski? Kid: Hey, hold on. Huh? Ha! Skipper: Wait a minute. Bingo! Nice try, Dave! Operation Flash, Splash and Crash is a go! Kowalski: Splendid! Skipper: Take positions. Announcer: Penguin feeding time will begin in two minutes. Skipper: Target, 30 yards and closing. Kowalski: In position, Skipper. Skipper: Rico, report. Rico: In position. Skipper: For you, Private. Private: Yes, Skipper! Skipper: Here's your mermaid costume. Private: What? Skipper: We need a diversion. And, frankly, you're the only one who can pull off that look. Private: But I can do more, Skipper. I want to help the team. Really help the team. If you think I'm ready, which I am. Assuming you agree. And perhaps even... if you don't? Skipper: I like the moxie, soldier, but right now, I need a tail on that tush and the cutest smile you've got. You trust me, soldier? Private: Aye, aye, Skipper. Man: Hey, it's feeding time! Skipper: Target, ten yards from flashpoint. Private, you're up. You just mermaid my day. Flash is a go! Boy: Look, they let one of the mermaids out of the tank! Woman: Oh, she's so cute. Kid: It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Skipper: Shields up! Target is stunned. Rico, bring the Splash. Rico: Yeah! Dr. Octavius Brine: Huh? Marine Worker: Oh, what are you doing out here, cutie? Come on. Back in your tank. Classified: Secure the mermaids and find me... David the octopus. Kowalski: A little late, North Wind. Skipper: Mission accomplished. High one! Classified: Corporal, take our prisoner... the one that belongs to us... into custody. What? Short Fuse: You melted him?! You birds are sick! Kowalski: He's going in through the pipes! Private: Skipper! Skipper: Private? Private! You got to get out of there! Skipper: No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Private! Private: Skipper! No! Kowalski: Okay. Here we go. Skipper: Move, move, move! He's got Private! He's getting away. He's getting away! Kowalski: Skipper, the North Wind's plane. Skipper: Sweet chariot of the gods! But can you fly it, man? Kowalski: There's only one way to find out. No, I... still can't read. Skipper: Then we're going off-book. Classified: No! No, no, no, no! Skipper: Too much, too much, too much, too much, too much! Kowalski: I'm getting the hang of this, Skipper. Eva: Pull off! Skipper: Good! We're coming for you, Private! Classified: Those ludicrous butterballs are letting David escape! Eva, secure transport. Short Fuse, Corporal, hitch us a ride. Short Fuse: Fire! Corporal: Go fetch. Classified: Hold her steady. Kowalski: Sir, Dave is pulling ahead. We are too heavy. Skipper: Oh, curse our heavily cheese-dibbled diet! Rico, give me a West Helsinki fire sale. Rico: Yeah, yeah. Skipper: Everything must go! Classified: What the... Kowalski: That's everything, sir. Skipper: Have you purged the chemical toilet? Kowalski: But Rico was in there for 15 minutes! Skipper: Just do it! Corporal: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Ship: Self-destruct sequence in five, Skipper: No, Private! Ship: four, three, two... Skipper: Stay strong soldier! Ship: ...one. Skipper: Skipper's log. Private has been kidnapped by Dave, while we have been cast adrift for what seems like days. No rations, fresh water... or land in sight. Kowalski's sick as a dog. And Rico keeps trying to eat him. Kowalski: Just, please, just cut it out. Skipper: Not sure how long we can hold on. This may be my final entry. Ow. Classified: 2004 Grand Cru. Hints of pear, white peaches. Eva: The salmon is delicious. Short Fuse: Oh, I have never been more hydrated in my life. Eva: Let me cut you a piece of the salmon. Classified: No, thank you. I'm stuffed. Eva: It's the most delicious thing on the boat. Classified: I have to loosen my utility belt. Short Fuse: No, I'm full. Just dump it in the ocean. Skipper: You know, we're all in the same boat here. Classified: Actually, we're not. And perhaps you could express a little more concern over the fact that you stole and destroyed a $19 million vehicle! Skipper: Bill me. Classified: Corporal? Corporal? Corporal: We're picking up a signal, sir. It's five klicks southwest, but it stopped at that remote island. Skipper: Land? Good on you. You've tracked down some land. Short Fuse: No, silly willy. We've been tracking your little secretary/mascot. Skipper: What? You put a homing device on Private? Classified: All of you, actually, when I darted you. Skipper: You low-down, dirty, mangy, filthy, flea-bitten, bum-sniffing toilet drinker! But... good. Classified: See, I told you. You should've left this to the professionals. Penguin: 892. 893. 894. 895. Dave: Ahoy there! Penguins. I bet you're all just dying to know why I brought you here. 'Mermaid Penguin: He's gonna kill us all! Dave: What? No. My Medusa Serum doesn't kill anyone. Where's the fun in that? Private: (feminine voice) So, um, what does it do? Dave: Something much, much worse. Private: (feminine voice) Right. But, like, what specifically? Dave: Well, that's exactly what I came up here to show you. All I need is a test subject. Hello, little buggy-boo! Cricket: Is this about the chirping? 'Cause I could... Whoa! Whoa! Dave: Behold, as I unleash the full power of the Medusa Serum. Fire! Yes! It works! I made a monster. I made a monster! And all you adorable penguins are next! Private: Crikey! Dave: Who said that? No. No. No. Yes! Gentlemen, you remember Private. Octopi: Oh, hey. Private: You'll never get away with this, Dave. My brothers are coming, and together we'll take a wrecking ball to your whole rotten operation. Dave: Call off the hunt, everyone. Turns out the elite unit will be coming to us. Boop. Classified: Eva? What do you see? Eva: My count is 30 hostiles. Kowalski: 31. Those two are very close together. I mean, you know, intertwined, physically, but... but not in... Skipper: Ixnay on the irtflay, Kowalski. Poor Private. Alone, helpless in the belly of that beast. Kowalski: We've faced some long odds before, Skipper, but these look like the longest and oddest. If we're gonna pull this off, we'll need a diversion. Camo Tech: Deactivating jungle camouflage. Classified: Shh! Would you be quiet? Skipper: Listen, Classified... Classified: Short Fuse, you were supposed to handcuff them to the rock! Skipper: Don't you hologram me! Short Fuse: I tried, but they don't have hands. They just have flippers, boss. And I have flippers! So it's flipping useless! Skipper: All right, pooch. If you won't work with us, you better work for us. Our plan requires a diversion. Classified: I give the orders around here. Much as it pains me, I need you to act as our diversion for our operation, understood? Skipper: Nope! This is our plan, and it requires you to cause a diversion. Classified: Die-version. Skipper: Dih-version. Classified: Die, die, die, die, die, die! Skipper: Dih, dih, dih, dih, dih, dih! Eva: Gentlemen, there is only one way to resolve this. Kowalski: We should kiss. Eva: Plan-off. Kowalski: Yep, plan-off. That's what I was gonna say. Plan-off. Skipper: Here's Dave's sub. And this young, helpless, vulnerable rock is Private. And here's Dave. While you four blowhards "dih-vert" the octopi, we strike fast and strike hard! Hi-yah! Get on in here, boys! Slap him silly, Rico! Come on! Kowalski, free the hostages! Now, that's what I'm talking about, big fella! With Private freshly liberated, we celebrate with a well-earned high one, and feast off Dave's sweet remains. Any questions? Whoa-hoa, hey, now! Classified: Wow. I mean, truly impressive. Especially the bit where you slap the fruit. Oh! Corporal, dim the lights. Short Fuse, glasses. Kowalski: Ooh. Classified: My apologies. Had to rush a bit. The schematic's a little crude. Skipper: Where is that music coming from? Kowalski: Wow. Classified: All right, at 2150, Skipper, Kowalski and... Richard, was it? Die-vert the octopi away from their posts. At 2200, Short Fuse breaches the hull with a swarm of self-guided underwater nano-charges. Short Fuse: I call them "wet kabooms." Classified: Yes, please don't. Short Fuse: Okay, sorry. Classified: At 2202, knock, knock. Corporal: Who's there? Classified: The North Wind. Corporal: The North Wind who? Classified: The North Wind who doesn't have time for knock-knock jokes because we're too busy taking down Dave. Personal hover tank... check. Auto-targeting wing mounts. Why not? At 2209, mission accomplished. See that? I don't even look back. There's a huge explosion, and I just keep walking. Short Fuse: Whoo! Way to go, boss! That's North Wind, sucker! Corporal: Nicely done. Skipper: La-di, blah, blah, blah, blah. A good plan is about more than effecty stuff and... vocabulary words. Classified: And you, you... you certainly know a good plan; I mean, your operation in Shanghai allowed Dave to escape with... your boy. I've never lost a member of my team. It must feel... awful. Can't imagine the guilt, the regret, the feeling that, I don't know, that... it should have been you.
The little rock transforms into Private who stares up at a tearful Skipper
Eva: All for penguin plan?
Kowalski and Rico raise their flippers
Eva: All for North Wind plan?
Everyone else, including Skipper, raise their paws, wings or flippers
Skipper: His... his is better.
Rico grunts in shock
Kowalski: What?
Skipper turns to his friends
Skipper: I'm sorry, boys, but I can't lead you this time.
Kowalski: But... we're a team, and... and you're our skipper, Skipper. We don't... we don't need these guys.
Skipper: No, Kowalski, but Private does. I think... it's time we leave it to the professionals.
Kowalski: But, sir...
Skipper: It's settled. We take our orders from Agent Classified now.
Rico (stammers): But… but…
That's an order, Rico! (Skipper waddles away. Then he stops) All right, Classified... what's the diversion?
Later on the dock…
We take this shame to our graves. Kowalski: Agreed. Octopi: Hey! Classified: Time? Eva: 2200 hours. Classified: Time to take down Dave. David the octopus, show me your tentacles. All of them. Short Fuse: Ow! Kowalski: We lost them, Skipper. Skipper: Not a moment too soon. These hosen are riding up my bundesliga. All right, boys, grab your coconuts and hold 'em tight. Classified should be walking away from a huge explosion with Private on his shoulder in three... two... Give 'em a welcome home, Rico! Skipper: Woo-hoo! Yeah! In your face, Dave! Kowalski: Private is back! Skipper: Welcome home, Private! Kowalski: Yeah! All right! Here we go. All right. Sir, the sub didn't explode, and... I fear the... fireworks may have been a tactical mistake. Short Fuse: Stay calm! Do not panic! We will still win! Be full of love! Don't hate! Follow your dreams! Love yourself! Love other people! Pick and choose your battles in life! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Ignore the haters! Love the one you're with! Love the one you're with! Kowalski: Eva. I know. Dave: Welcome, Skipper, Kowalski and rootin'-tootin' Rico! The gang's all here! The mood is electric! Is this really, finally everybody? Skipper: All right, Dave, just what have you done with... Private! Private: Oh! Guys! You're in for it now, Dave! Dave: Really?! Anyway, great catching up. Now. Who's ready to move on to live penguins testing? Skipper: You point that death ray away from Private right now! Private: It's not a death ray, Skipper! He's gonna turn us into monsters! Dave: Yepper-doo! "And what comes next, Dave?" Invasion! Ahhh! Horrible mutant penguins released on the streets of New York City! Kowalski: You're the monster! Dave: Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me, every day of my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves you when you're the monster! Private: Skipper! Skipper: You can't take away Private's cuteness! Kowalski: He's the cute one!
Rico grunts in agreement.
Kowalski: That-That's his thing!
Private: What?
Skipper: IT'S ALL THE LITTLE GUY'S GOT!
Private sighs, as if to say "Seriously?".
Dave: Hmm, you are super cute. We'd better crank this up. Drew, Barry, more power! Ready? Kowalski: Negotiations have broken down. Skipper: Rico, the paper clip! Bust us out of here! We need that paper clip! Chop-chop, soldier! No! Where's the paper clip? Private! No! Private... Kowalski: Oh no. Dave: I disintegrated him. That wasn't supposed to happen. Kowalski: You maniac! You blew him up! Skipper: No... Dave: Oh well. This is why we test things, people. I'll have to lower the power for the others. Full speed ahead, gentlemen. The monsters are due in Manhattan! Private: Sorry. Crikey. Classified: All right, all right, octopus. Whatever Dave's paying you, I'll double it. Is that a yes? Does anyone speak octopus? Eva: Sorry. Corporal: No, not a clue. Classified: Blast it. You... free... us. We give you... many fishes. Om nom nom nom nom... What is that? Oh, great. Short Fuse: Oh, no! This is it! Corporal: I don't want to die all squishy! Classified: We're dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Oh, no, we're dead! Dead! Dead...! Private: I pushed a button. Corporal: Super. Well done, Private! Eva: Good work, malinki. Classified: Yay. Yes. Yes. Excellent button-pushing. Compliment, praise, et cetera. All right, agents, we are back in business. Private: Wait! Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, all those penguins, they're this way! Classified: And so is a massive army of octopi. And as soon as we return to the North Wind headquarters, grab fresh equipment, and work up a smashing new plan, we'll come speeding back and take down Dave. Private: But the penguins are in danger! We have to go now! Classified: Again, huge army of octopi. Private: So, because you failed once, you're just running away? Classified: We did not fail. And we are not running away. We're just very sensibly regrouping. Private: Skipper wouldn't care. Plan or no, fancy equipment or no... he'd never leave a man behind. Classified: Well, I suppose we can't all be penguins, can we? Private: No. But maybe you should be. Classified: Come on. Dave: Showtime, everyone! Big smiles for the Big Apple! Skipper: Listen up, Doris! You turn us into freaks, and then what? You think that's gonna make everybody love you? Dr. Octavius Brine: No, but they'll despise you. Skipper: Aah! Dr. Octavius Brine: And I'm sure gonna love that. News Reporter: Breaking news! The missing penguins have been found! Okay. According to my notes, genetic researcher Dr. Octavius Brine has found the penguins and is bringing them here to New York's Battery Park. The penguins are coming back! Oh, my gosh! Look! Dr. Octavius Brine: Penguin lovers of the world, guess who I found. New Yorkers: Penguins! Penguins! Dr. Octavius Brine: It wasn't easy, but seeing the penguins get what they deserve will make it all worthwhile. News Reporter: What a weird thing to say! I'm so excited! Dr. Octavius Brine: Do it. Private: Skipper! Skipper! Skipper! Rico! Kowalski! I'm up here! Up here! Skipper: It's like I'm still hearing Private's little voice, calling to us. Private: You have to get out of there! Move! Skipper: “You have a great otter there. Moo.” Kowalski: Why would he moo? Skipper: What are you asking me for? I'm not Private's little ghost.
They turn around, only to notice the Medusa Ray in front of them, ready to fire.
Rico: Uh-oh.
One of Dave's henchmen fires the Medusa Ray at Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and all the penguins, as Private watches in horror.
Private: Noooooo! Dr. Octavius Brine: Are you ready?! New Yorkers: Yeah! Dr. Octavius Brine: Yay...! Your new... and improved... penguins! New Yorkers: Penguins! Penguins! New Yorker: Wha...? Dr. Octavius Brine: Oh, the people love you. Just go give them a hug. New Yorker: Don't let them touch you! Dr. Octavius Brine: Oh, no. What's happening? Nobody likes you anymore? Well, the fun and games are just beginning. Watch this, penguins. Somebody call... the exterminators! And when the exterminators take you away, you never come back. Private: Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. What do I do? What do I do? Crikey! Come on, then. You wanna go? You want some argy-bargy? AAAAHHH!!!
He courageously charges at the octopi like a warrior, much to their surprise.
Private: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-haw! Ow. Dr. Octavius Brine: Uh-oh. Missed one. What a wonderful day in the park. Private: Skipper! Wait! Hold on! What are you doing?! Skipper! Don't eat that! Skipper, listen. It's me, Private. I've got a plan, but I need your help. I need my Skipper. Skipper: Private? Private: Yes. That's it. Skipper: Private, you're alive! Oh, God! Kowalski! You've got to get a grip! Private: Kowalski, Eva is worried about you. Kowalski: She is? What did she say? Did she say my name specifically? I mean, were there... were there tears? Details, come on, tell me! Private! You're alive. Come here. This feels a little awkward, but I'm happy. Skipper: Rico! You need to listen to us. I guess you're kind of the same either way. Rico: Private! Skipper: Heads up! Looks like we're back in business, boys. And our business is saving penguin-kind. Who's with me? Kowalski: Count me in. Private: Let's do this! Kowalski: Boo-hah! Private: Yeah! Kowalski: Let's create and feel momentum. Sir, how long do we stand here like this? Skipper: Until we've reached maximum coolness.
The camera keeps circling until it's shot at Skipper, who smiles with confidence.
Skipper: There it is. Now all we need is a plan. Private: I've got one. Skipper: [confused] Eh? Uh, huh?
Private goes over to the ray and takes the Medusa Serum out.
Skipper: You stole Dave's ray? Private: Well, I figured if we could reverse the ray, we could turn everyone back to normal. Skipper: Reverse the ray? Kowalski: That's brilliant! But... it's impossible! In order to reverse the ray, we would need to replace the Medusa Serum with a power source of almost immeasurable cuteness! Skipper: Immeasurable cuteness? Where the heck are we supposed to get that?! No, wait. Private, no! We don't know what that will do to you! Ah! Penguin: All right! Kowalski: The ray! It works! It WORKS! Skipper: Private, are you okay? Private: Yes!
Skipper, Rico and Kowalski gasp in surprise and notice that Private has sprouted a hand out of his buttocks.
Kowalski: Whoa! Butt-hand! There's a hand attached to his butt. That was not... that was not there before.
Private becomes shocked once realizing he has sprouted a butt-hand, which detaches him, but immediately gets used to it.
Skipper: Get out of there. That's an order! Private: [salutes] Permission to defy order. Skipper: Permission denied. Private: Then I deny your denial. Skipper: It's too risky, Private. It already made you sprout a butt-hand! Private: I know it has to be me this time. [places his butt-hand on the glass] And I think you know it too.
Concerned about Private's sacrifice, Skipper places his flipper on the same place where Private placed his butt-hand. They exchange smiles before Private reattaches himself to the ray using his butt-hand.
Private: I'm the secret weapon! Dr. Octavius Brine: I'm happy... and yet... now that I have my revenge, I feel... empty, as if what I needed all along was... more revenge! In fact... Robin, write this down... Tomorrow we move on to kittens! Then puppies, bunnies, pandas... Charlize, they're on the ray! Dave: Helen, hunt them down! William, hurt them. Halle, bury them! Hugh, Jack, man the battle stations! Kevin, bake on! We're still gonna need that victory cake! Skipper: We're only gonna get one shot at this, boys! How we doing on those snow globes? Kowalski: Beam splitter ready! Fire at will! Private: Do it, Skipper! Skipper: Dead batteries?! Kowalski: [gasps] Game over, Skipper! Private: No!
Private then notices a nearby grocery store.
Private: Rico, batteries! Skipper, Kowalski, hold off those octopi! We're doing this NOW! Skipper: You heard Private! Deploy! Aah! Kowalski: Get back, you aquatic savages! Private: Behind you! Beside you! Six o'clock! Twelve o'clock! They're coming from every direction! Kowalski: There's just too many of them! Kowalski: Whoa. Private: You came back! Short Fuse: Oh... that's why you look back at the explosion. Rico: I can dream... Skipper: Fallback positions! Stay away from Private! Dave: Suck it up, Kowalski. Private: No! Dave: It's over, Skipper. Skipper: Over? That's weird. Then why is Rico throwing me a fresh pair of double-A's? Skipper: No! The remote! Skipper: Rico, dibble me! Dave: [evil laughing] Private: Hi-yah! Skipper: It worked! Private! Excuse me. Emergency. Coming through. Make a hole! Make a hole! Kowalski: Don't worry, a chrysalis is just forming around you. That's perfectly normal. Skipper: Private. Rico: Wha...? Skipper: Private? Kowalski: Oh! Look at that! Majestic. Private: Hello. Skipper: Private! Kowalski: Oh! Hey! Private: What's wrong? What are you... Skipper: Look out for the... Private: Have I got something... Kowalski: Okay. Looking out. Skipper: Watch out. Cover your eyes. Private: Is there a... thing? Skipper: Don't turn your head. Private: So, how do I look? Kowalski: You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport. Private: [concerned] Wh-Wha...?
Skipper elbows Kowalski.
Kowalski: What? Skipper: If there's anything we've learned on this delightful adventure, Kowalski, it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do what counts. [emotionally] And look at what you did.
The penguins from all over the world look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins.
Skipper: Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.
Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private. Penguin #1: Way to go, Private! Penguin #2: Attaboy! Corporal: Nicely done. Penguin #3: Whoo-hoo! Penguin #4: Way to go, Private! You did it! Penguin #5: We're so proud of you! Penguin #6: You saved us! Penguin #7: We love you, Private! Penguin #8: Yeah, we love you! Penguin #9: You the penguin! Cricket: Huh? Skipper: Ramirez! Kowalski: Dave. Skipper: Dave! Dave: What? Are you kidding me?! Skipper: Dave... aw, look at you. Dave: You think this is over? I'm just getting started. I'm about to... Kowalski: What do we do with him now? Girl: Aw… Dave: Open this right now! Skipper: Here you go, kid. Girl: Cool! Skipper: I hope you find happiness, Dave. Girl: It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing... Classified: [clear his throat] Right now, this is difficult for me to say, but... Skipper: Is it 'osteoporosis'? You just gotta lean into the vowels. Ahhh-stee-ohhhh-pahhh... Classified: No, no, I want to say... You four are the bravest agents I've ever known. The point is, I was wrong about you. And I hope there's some way I can make it right. Kowalski: [to Classified] Give us jetpacks. Eva: [at the same time; to Kowalski] We should kiss. Kowalski: [notices Eva] Whoa! Uh, [clears his throat] did... did you just say...
Eva dips Kowalski, kissing him, while using her other wing to block the camera, to the disgust of Kowalski's comrades. Skipper covers Private's eyes, while Rico almost throws up. As soon as Eva lowers her wing, Kowalski has lipstick marks all over his face.
Kowalski: Well, that feels right! Private: I think I'd actually prefer a jet pack, please. Skipper: Ooh! I think we should go with Private's idea. Kowalski: Yeah! Skipper: Kowalski! What's our trajectory? Kowalski: 95% certain this will end in massive... flaming disaster! Skipper: And the other five percent? Kowalski: Irrelevant, sir! Jet packs are awesome! Skipper: Agreed! Private: Who says penguins can't fly? Skipper: Yee-haw! Boo-yah! Private: Um… Skipper, we are going to turn me back to normal, right? Skipper: Absolutely. First thing Monday. Mort: Whee! I'm in a rocket ship! King Julien: I want to push the button. Kowalski: Give me that! King Julien: Hey! Stealer! Private: Let's do this! I'm ready! King Julien: Okay, on three. One, three, go. I'm just gonna do a little practice push. Okay, I'm not going to press it. Why are you smacking my hand? Hey, look over there! Mort: I'm a laser show. Shoot, shoot! Kowalski: Julien! Private: Hey! Skipper: Now, that's the Private we know and love. High one! Kowalski: Immeasurable cuteness, right there! Private: Good to be back. Mort: I feel like a French fry! I'm okay! Skipper: And with cuteness to spare! Come on! Frosty mugs of herring juice all around! Private's buying. Private: What? King Julien: What? You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz!
(Mort swallows Julien whole.)
King Julien: Yes! Now, that's pizzazz!