Transcript[edit | edit source]

[with the 1997 DreamWorks logo. But after it's complete, the S's turn green. After the opening titles, a light shines on a storybook which opens on its own. A man's voice begins reading.]

Narrator: "Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love’s first kiss.''

Narrator: ''She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed.''

Narrator: ''She waited in the dragon’s the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love....

Narrator: ''...and true love’s first kiss."


Shrek: Like that’s ever gonna happen. [It confirms that the man is in an outhouse] What a load of-- [toilet flushes]

[Smash Mouth: "All Star"]
[Allstar - by Smash Mouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre.]
Smash Mouth: [singing] ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed ♪ She was lookin’ kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb ♪ In the shape of an "L" on her forehead ♪ The years start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’ ♪ Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin’ ♪ Didn’t make sense not to live for fun ♪ Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb ♪ So much to do ♪ So much to see ♪ So what’s wrong with takin’ the backstreets ♪ You’ll never know if you don’t go ♪ You’ll never shine if you don’t glow ♪ Hey, now ♪ You’re an all-star ♪ Get your game on, go play ♪ Hey, now, you’re a rock star ♪ Get the show b on, get paid ♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪ Only shootin’ stars break the mold ♪ It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder ♪ You’re bundled up now but wait till you get older ♪ But the meteor men beg to differ ♪ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture ♪ The ice we skate is gettin’ pretty thin ♪ The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim My world’s on fire ♪ How ‘bout yours ♪ That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored ♪ Hey now you’re an all-star [shouting] [singing] ♪ Get your game on, go play ♪ Hey, now, you’re a rock star ♪ Get the show on, get paid ♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪ Only shootin’ stars break the mold
Shrek: [belches]
Smash Mouth: ♪ Go! Go! [record scratching] ♪ Go. Go. Go. [singing] ♪ Hey, now You’re an all-star ♪ Get your game on, go play ♪ Hey, now, you’re a rock star ♪ Get the show on, get paid ♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪ Only shootin’ stars break the mold

Man 1: Think it’s in there?
Man 2: All right. Let's get it!
Man 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
Man 3: Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for it’s bread.
[Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.]
Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres. They’re much worse. They’ll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. (MAN: No!) They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it’s quite good on toast.
Man 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Waves the torch at Shrek.) Right…
[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark.]

Shrek: [whispers] This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. It reads:) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures". (He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder. The next day)

[There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gepetto who’s carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs.]
Guard: All right. This one’s full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
Head guard: Next!
Guard: (taking the witch’s broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)
Head guard: That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
Guard: Get up! Come on!
Head guard: 20 pieces.
Guard: [thudding] Sit down there! Keep quiet!
Little Bear: [crying] This cage is too small.
Donkey: Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
Old woman: Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) Donkey: Oh!
Head guard: Next! What have you got?
Gepetto: This little wooden puppet.
Pinocchio: I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy. (his nose grows)
Head guard: 5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Pinocchio: Father, please! Don’t let them do this! Help me!
[Gepetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.]
Head guard: Next! What have you got?
Old woman: Well, I’ve got a talking donkey.
Head guard: Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
Old woman: Oh, go ahead, little fella. [Donkey just looks up at her.]
Head guard: Well?
Old woman: Oh, oh, he’s just… he’s just a little nervous. He’s really quite a chatterbox. (to Donkey) Talk, you boneheaded dolt-!
Head guard: That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Guards!
Old Woman: No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I’m the talkingest thing you ever saw.
Head guard: Get her out of my sight.
Old woman: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
[The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s hands, and her cage drops on Donkey’s head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he’s able to fly.]

Donkey: Hey! I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

3 little pigs: He can fly!

Head guard: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying, talking Donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain’t never seen a Donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.)

[He hits the ground with a thud.]

Head Guard: Seize him! (Donkey takes off running.) After him!

[The guards give chase.]

Guards: He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! [Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.]

Head Guard: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Head Guard: By the order of Lord Farquaad [he opens a scroll revealing the Farquaad logo] I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard runs off. Shrek goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. Donkey follows]

Donkey: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin’ back here. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin’ to…(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!

Donkey: Yes. I was talkin’ to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin’ over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that’s great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it’s good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don’t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don’t have any friends. And I’m not goin’ out there by myself.

Donkey: Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I’ll stick with you. You’re mean, green, fightin’ machine. Together we’ll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

[Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly.]

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don’t mind me sayin’, if that don’t work, your breath certainly will get the job done, ‘cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, ‘cause you breath stinks!

Donkey: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time…(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) …then I ate some rottenberries. Man, I had some strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. (singing) ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone ♪ There's no one here beside me ♪ My problems have all gone ♪ There's no one to deride me ♪ But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing!!! It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little Donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uhhhh... Really tall?

Shrek: No! I’m an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn’t that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What’s your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don’t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek’s cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who’d want to live in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget. [he sees a boulder stuck on the grass] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. [he continues following Shrek] I guess you don’t entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That’s another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You’ve trying to give them a hint, and they won’t leave. There’s that awkward silence, you know. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you, please?

Shrek: (sarcastically) Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don’t wanna go back there! You don’t know what it’s like to be considered a freak! (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that’s why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! (as he opens the door) But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)

Shrek: What are you....? No! No!

Donkey: (he hops up onto the chair) This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories, and in the mornin’ I’m makin’ waffles.

Shrek: (growling) Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: (irritated) Outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that’s cool. I mean, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I’m a Donkey. I was born outside. I’ll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. ♪ I’m all alone…there’s no one here beside me… ♪


[Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.]

Shrek: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside.

Donkey: (from the window) I am outside.

[There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table.]

Blind Mouse 1: Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

Blind Mouse 2: It’s not home, but it’ll do just fine.

Gorder: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.)

Gorder: (sniffs) I found some cheese. (bites Shrek’s ear)

Shrek: Ow!

Gorder: Bleah! Awful stuff!

Blind Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead girl off the table.

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed’s taken.

Shrek: Huh?

[Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him.]

Big Bad Wolf: What?


[Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.]

Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

Big Bad Wolf: Aaaah!

Incomplete[edit | edit source]

Shrek: Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No!

                              [Cackling] [Cackling Continues] 
                         Quit it. Don’t push.
              The 2 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
              pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
              flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land…etc.

                        WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP!
                       [Echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

[Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent.]

3 Fairy Godmothers: [gasping] Oh, dear!

Dwarfs: Whoa!

                        All right, get out of here! All of you, 
                        move it! Come on! Let’s go! Hapaya! 
                        Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
                        dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
                        No, no. Not there! Not there! (they 
                        shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
                        look at Donkey)

Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t invite them.

Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.

Shrek: (flabbergasted) By who?

Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he…signed an eviction notice. [that's because they have German accents]

Shrek: (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

[Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.]

Donkey: Oh, I do! I know where he is!

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

Donkey: Me! Me!

Shrek: Anyone?

Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

                        (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
                        tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
                        Your welcome is officially worn out. 
                        In fact, I’m gonna see this guy Farquaad 
                        right now and get you all off my land 
                        and back where you came from! (Pause. 
                        Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
                        You! You’re comin’ with me.

Donkey: All right, that’s what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can’t wait to get on the road again. ♪

Shrek: What did I say about singing?

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Can I hum it?

Shrek: All right, hum it.

[Donkey begins to hum ‘On the Road Again’.]

DULOC - Torture Chamber

              A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He’s continually 
              dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

                        That’s enough. He’s ready to talk.

              The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
              onto a cookie tray. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
              table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
              up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

                        (he picks up the Gingerbread Man’s legs 
                        and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
                        as fast as you can, you can’t catch 
                        me, I’m the gingerbread man!

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        You’re a monster.
                        I’m not the monster here. You are. You 
                        and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
                        poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
                        me! Where are the others?!

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad’s 

                        I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures. 
                        Now my patience has reached its end! 
                        Tell me or I’ll-- (he makes as if to 
                        pull off the Gingerbread Man’s buttons)

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        No, no, not the buttons! Not the gumdrop 

                        All right then. Who’s hiding them?!

GINGERBREAD MAN: Okay, I’ll tell you. (they recite the famous Muffin Man Nursery Rhyme) Do you know the muffin man?

                        The muffin man?
                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        The muffin man.
                        Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
                        on Drury Lane?
                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        Well, she’s married to the muffin man.
                        The muffin man?!
                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        (shouting) The muffin man!
                        She’s married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        My lord! We found it.
                        Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
                        it in.

              More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
              They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        (in awe) Ohhhh…
                        Magic mirror…
                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        Don’t tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
                        him up and dumps him into a trash can 
                        with a lid.) No!

                        Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
                        Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
                        of them all?

                        Well, technically you’re not a king.

                        Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
                        hand mirror and smashes it with his 
                        fist.) You were saying?

                        What I mean is you’re not a king yet. 
                        But you can become one. All you have 
                        to do is marry a princess.

                        Go on.
                        (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
                        and relax, my lord, because it’s time 
                        for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes. 
                        And here they are! Bachelorette number 
                        one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
                        a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
                        and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
                        include cooking and cleaning for her 
                        two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
                        (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
                        number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
                        the land of fancy. Although she lives 
                        with seven other men, she’s not easy. 
                        Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
                        find out what a live wire she is. Come 
                        on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
                        picture of Snow White) And last, but 
                        certainly not last, bachelorette number 
                        three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
                        castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
                        But don’t let that cool you off. She’s 
                        a loaded pistol who likes Piña coladas
                        and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
                        for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
                        picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
                        be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
                        number two or bachelorette number three?
                        Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

                        Three? One? Three?
                        Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
                        three, my lord!

                        Okay, okay, uh, number three!
                        Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess 

("Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" plays as the crowd applauds)

                        Princess Fiona. She’s perfect. All I 
                        have to do is just find someone who 
                        can go…

                        But I probably should mention the little 
                        thing that happens at night.
                        I’ll do it.
                        Yes, but after sunset…
                        Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona 
                        my queen, and DuLoc will finally have 
                        the perfect king! Captain, assemble 
                        your finest men. We’re going to have 
                        a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

                        But that’s it. That’s it right there. 
                        That’s DuLoc. I told ya I’d find it.

                        So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle.

                        Uh-huh. That’s the place.
                        Do you think maybe he’s compensating 
                        for something? (He laughs, but then 
                        groans as Donkey doesn’t get the joke. 
                        He continues walking through the parking 

                        Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
                        Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry.

                        Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing 
                        a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, 
                        screams and begins running through the 
                        rows of rope to get to the front gate 
                        to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. 
                        Look, I’m not gonna eat you. I just 
                        - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins 
                        walking straight through the rows. The 
                        attendant runs into a wall and falls 
                        down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then 
                        continue on into DuLoc.)


[They look around but all is quiet. Elevator music plays over the speakers]

Shrek: It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked ‘Information’. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

Clockwork Chorus: Welcome to DuLoc, such a perfect town. Here we have some rules, let us lay them down. Don’t make waves, stay in line and we’ll get along fine. DuLoc is perfect place! Please keep off of the grass. Shine your shoes, wipe your… face! DuLoc is, DuLoc is, DuLoc is a perfect... place!

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek’s picture.

Donkey: Wow! Let’s do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again)

Shrek: (grabs Donkey’s tail and holds him still) No! No! No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                        Brave knights. You are the best and 
                        brightest in all the land. Today one 
                        of you shall prove himself....

              As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena 
              Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

                        All right. You’re going the right way 
                        for a smacked bottom.

                        Sorry about that.
                        That champion shall have the honor-- 
                        no, no-- the privilege… to go forth 
                        and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona 
                        from the fiery keep of the dragon. If 
                        for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, 
                        the first runner-up will take his place… 
                        and so on and so forth. Some of you 
                        may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing 
                        to make.[Cheering] Let the tournament 
                        begin! [Gasps] Oh! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is 
                        that? It’s hideous!

                        (turns to look at Donkey and then back 
                        at Farquaad) Ah, that’s not very nice. 
                        It’s just a Donkey.

                        Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who 
                        kills the ogre will be named champion! 
                        Have it him!

                        Get him!
                        Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps 
                        into a table where there are mugs of 

                        Go ahead! Get him!
                        (holds up a mug of beer) Can’t we just 
                        settle this over a pint?

                        Kill the beast!
                        No? All right then. (drinks the beer) 
                        Come on!
              He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel 
              of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the 
              other men and wetting the ground. It’s like mud now. Shrek slides 
              past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. 
              As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger 
              beer barrels. It breaks free of it’s ropes and begins to roll. 
              Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much 
              fighting going on here I’m not going to go into detail. Suffice 
              to say that Shrek kicks butt.
                        JOAN JETT
               [Singing] I don’t give about my reputation 
You’re living in the past It’s a new generation
[Whinnying] [Singing]
A girl can do what she wants to do And that’s what I’m gonna do And I don’t give about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me Me, me, me 

                        Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
                        [Singing] And I don’t give to my reputation  
Never said I wanted to improve my station
              Shrek comes over and bangs a man’s head up against Donkey’s. Shrek 
              gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
                              Ah! [Laughs]
                        [Singing] And I’m always feelin’ good when I'm having fun

                [Singing] And I don’t have to please no one
              A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time 
              and sees him.

                        The chair! Give him the chair!
             [Singing] And I don’t give about my bad reputation.  Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me! Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, Not me, not me! Not me! [Bell Dings]
              Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men 
              are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding 
              sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

                        Oh, yeah! (Flexes his muscles) Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Shall I give the order, sir?
                        No, I have a better idea. People of 
                        DuLoc, I give you our champion!

                        Congratulations, ogre. You’re won the 
                        honor of embarking on a great and noble 

                        Quest? I’m already in a quest, a quest 
                        to get my swamp back.

                        Your swamp?
                        Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those 
                        fairy tale creatures!

                        Indeed. All right, ogre. I’ll make you 
                        a deal. Go on this quest for me, and 
                        I’ll give you your swamp back.

Shrek: Exactly the way it was?

Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

Shrek: And the squatters?

Farquaad: As good as gone.

Shrek: What kind of quest?

TIME LAPSE - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

Donkey: Let me get this straight. You’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don’t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

Shrek: You know, maybe there’s a good reason Donkeys shouldn't talk.

Donkey: I don’t get it. Why don’t you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village… and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.

Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)

Donkey: (sniffs the onion) They stink?

Shrek: Yes-- No!

Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?

Shrek: No!

Donkey: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs.

Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off)

Donkey: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. (sniffs the onion) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

Shrek: I don’t care… what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.

Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let’s get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don’t like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.


Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole stupid planet.

Shrek: You know, I think I preferred your humming.

Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I’m making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

              [The Proclaimers: "I’m On My Way"]
              They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through 
              a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying 
              to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, 
              so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
                              THE PROCLAIMERS
                       [Singing] I’m on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh. I’m on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you gove to me the day I wander. I’m on my way I’m on my way I’m on my way


              Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that’s supposed to 
              house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.

                        (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? 
                        You gotta warn somebody before you just 
                        crack one off. My mouth was open and 

                        Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d 
                        be dead. (sniffs) It’s brimstone. We 
                        must be getting close.

                        Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking 
                        about it’s the brimstone. I know what 
                        I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It 
                        didn’t come off no stone neither.

              They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There 
              is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where 
              the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very 

                        Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the 
                        location. (laughs…then the laugh turns 
                        into a groan) [Laughing]

                        Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said 
                        ogres have layers?

                        Oh, aye.
                        Well, I have a bit of a confession to 
                        make. Donkeys don’t have layers. We 
                        wear our fear right out there on our 

                        Wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sleeves.

                        You know what I mean.
                        You can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.

                        No, I’m just a little uncomfortable 
                        about being on a rickety bridge over 
                        a boiling lake of lava!

                        Come on, Donkey. I’m right here beside 
                        ya, okay? For emotional support, we’ll 
                        just tackle this thing together one 
                        little baby step at a time.


Shrek: Really, really.

                        Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

                        Just keep moving. And don’t look down.

Donkey: Okay, don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Keep on moving. Don’t look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) [Gasps] Shrek! I’m lookin’ down! AAH! Oh, God, I can’t do this! Just let me off, please!

                        But you’re already halfway.
                        But I know that half is safe!
                        Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this. 
                        You go back.

                        Shrek, no! Wait!
                        Just, Donkey-- Come on. Let’s have a dance 
                        then, shall we? (bounces and sways the 

                        Don’t do that!
                        Oh, I’m sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces 
                        the bridge again)

                        Yes, that!
                        Yes? Yes, do it? Okay. (continues to 
                        bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across 
                        the bridge)

                        [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
                        You said do it! I’m doin’ it.
                        I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shrek, 
                        I’m gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) 

                        That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do. (walks 
                        towards the castle)

                        Cool. So where is this fire-breathing 
                        pain-in-the-neck anyway?

                        Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. 

                        I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.


Donkey: You afraid?

Shrek: No. But… Shh

                        Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps]
                        ‘Cause there’s nothin’ wrong 
                        with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible 
                        response to an unfamiliar situation. 
                        Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might 
                        add. With a dragon that breathes fire 
                        and eats knights and breathes fire, 
                        it sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward 
                        if you’re a little scared. I sure as 
                        heck ain’t no coward. I know that.

                        Donkey, two things, okay? Shut… up. 
                        Now go over there and see if you can 
                        find any stairs.

                        Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for 
                        the princess.

                        (putting on a helmet) The princess will 
                        be up the stairs in the highest room 
                        in the tallest tower.

                        What makes you think she’ll be there?

                        I read it in a book once. (walks off)

                        Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle 
                        the stairs. I’ll find those stairs. 
                        I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs 
                        won’t know which way they’re goin’. 
                        (walks off)


Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.

                        I’m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it 
                        to the curb. Don’t mess with me. I’m 
                        the stair master. I’ve mastered the 
                        stairs. I wish I had a step right here. 
                        I’d step all over it. (An eye opens)


Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where’s the--

Donkey: DRAGON!

              Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. 
              Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon 
              breathes fire.

                        Donkey, look out! (he manages to get 
                        a hold of the dragons tail and holds 
                        on) Got ya! [Roars] [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]

              The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it’s tail and Shrek 
              goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the 
              tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying 
              on the floor.

                        Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping] [Growls]
              Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small 
              part of the bridge he’s on.

                        No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, 
                        what large teeth you have. (the dragon 
                        growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. 
                        I know you probably hear this all time 
                        from your food, but you must bleach, 
                        ‘cause that is one dazzling smile you 
                        got there. Do I detect a hint of minty 
                        freshness? And you know what else? You’re 
                        - - You’re a girl dragon! Oh, sure! 
                        I mean, of course you’re a girl dragon. 
                        You’re just reeking of feminine beauty. 
                        (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes 
                        at him) What’s the matter with you? 
                        You got something in your eye? Ohh. 
                        Oh. Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay, 
                        but you know, I’m, uh…(the dragon 
                        blows a smoke ring in the shape of a 
                        heart right at him, and he coughs) I’m 
                        an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d 
                        work out if you’re gonna blow smoke 
                        rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him 
                        up with her teeth and carries him off) 
                        No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!


Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away.

Fiona: Oh! Oh!

Shrek: Wake up!

Fiona: What?

Shrek: Are you Princess Fiona?

Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

Shrek: Oh, that’s nice. Now let’s go!

                        But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our 
                        first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, 
                        romantic moment?

                        Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time.

                        Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should 
                        sweep me off my feet out yonder window 
                        and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

Shrek: You’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?

Fiona: (smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway.

Fiona: But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

Shrek: I don’t think so.

                        Can I at least know the name of my champion?

                        Uh, Shrek.
                        Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds 
                        out a handkerchief) I pray that you 
                        take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

Shrek: Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

                        (surprised) You didn’t slay the dragon?

                        It’s on my to-do list. Now come on! 
                        (takes off running and drags Fiona behind 

                        But this isn’t right! You were meant 
                        to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. 
                        That’s what all the other knights did.

                        Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

                        That’s not the point. (Shrek suddenly 
                        stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek 
                        ignores her and heads for a wooden door 
                        off to the side.) Wait. Where are you 
                        going? The exit’s over there.

                        Well, I have to save my donkey.

Fiona: What kind of knight are you?

                        One of a kind. (opens the door into 
                        the throne room)

                        (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. 
                        I believe it’s healthy to get to know 
                        someone over a long period of time. 
                        Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs 
                        worriedly) (we see him up close and 
                        from a distance as Shrek sneaks into 
                        the room) I don’t want to rush into 
                        a physical relationship. I’m not emotionally 
                        ready for a commitment of, uh, this--
                        Uh-- Magnitude really is the word I’m 
                        looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that 
                        is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what 
                        are you doing? Okay, okay. Let’s just 
                        back up a little and take this one step 
                        at a time. We really should get to know 
                        each other first as friends or pen pals. 
                        I’m on the road a lot, but I just love 
                        receiving cards-- I’d really love 
                        to stay, but-- Don’t do that! That’s 
                        my tail! That’s my personal tail. You’re 
                        gonna tear it off. I don’t give permission to--
                        What are you gonna do with that? 
                        Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

              Shrek grabs a chain that’s connected to the chandelier and swings 
              toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks 
              up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. 
              He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps 
              Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. 
              Instead the dragon kisses Shrek’s butt. She opens her eyes and 
              roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto 
              her head, but it’s too big and it goes over her head and forms 
              a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey 
              take off running. Very ‘Matrix’ style. Shrek grabs Donkey and 
              then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.

Donkey: Hi, Princess!

Fiona: It talks!

                        Yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s 
                        the trick.

              They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots 
              a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a 
              crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His 
              eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles 
              off and walks lightly. Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets
              down Donkey and Fiona.

                        Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I’ll 
                        take care of the dragon.

              Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the 
              castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping 
              chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that 
              is still around the dragons neck.


              They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot 
              pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons 
              breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on 
              for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They 
              are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look 
              in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to 
              get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the 
              dragon back and she’s unable to get to them. Our gang climbs 
              quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a 
              sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.

                        (sliding down the ‘volcano’ hill) You 
                        did it! You rescued me! You’re amazing. 
                        (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) 
                        You’re.... You’re wonderful. You’re....
                        (turns and sees Shrek fall down the 
                        hill and bump into Donkey) a little 
                        unorthodox I’ll admit. But thy deed 
                        is great, and thy heart is pure. I am 
                        eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears 
                        his throat.) And where would a brave 
                        knight be without his noble steed?

                        I hope you heard that. She called me 
                        a noble steed. She think I’m a steed.

                        The battle is won. You may remove your 
                        helmet, good Sir Knight.

                        Uh, no.
                        Why not?
                        I have helmet hair.
                        Please. I would’st look upon the face 
                        of my rescuer.

                        No, no, you wouldn’t.... ‘st.

Fiona: But how will you kiss me?

                        What? (to Donkey) That wasn’t in the 
                        job description.

Donkey: Maybe it’s a perk.

                        No, it’s destiny. Oh, you must know 
                        how it goes. A princess locked in a 
                        tower and beset by a dragon is rescued 
                        by a brave knight, and then they share 
                        true love’s first kiss.

                        Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. 
                        Wait. You think that Shrek is your true 

Fiona: Well, yes.

Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

                        You think Shrek is your true love!

                        What is so funny?
                        Let’s just say I’m not your type, okay?

Fiona: Of course, you are. You’re my rescuer. Now.... Now remove your helmet.

Shrek: Look. I really don’t think this is a good idea.

Fiona: Just take off the helmet.

Shrek: I’m not going to.

                        Take it off!

Shrek: Okay! Easy. As your command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet revealing his face but smudged in a charcoal-like substance)

Fiona: You.... You’re a.... an ogre?

                        Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

                        Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is 
                        all wrong. You’re not supposed to be 
                        an ogre.

                        Princess, I was sent to rescue you by 
                        Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who 
                        wants to marry you.

                        Then why didn’t he come rescue me?

                        Good question. You should ask him that 
                        when we get there.

                        But I have to be rescued by my true 
                        love, not by some ogre and his- - his 

                        Well, so much for noble steed.
                        You’re not making my job any easier.

                        I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. 
                        You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he 
                        wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be 
                        waiting for him right here.

                        Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, all 
                        right? (ominous) I’m a delivery boy. 
                        (he swiftly picks her up and swings 
                        her over his shoulder like she was a 
                        sack of potatoes)

                        You wouldn’t dare. Agh! Put me down!
                        Ya comin’, Donkey?
                        I’m right behind ya.

Fiona: Agh! Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! AAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!


A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.

                        Okay, so here’s another question. Say 
                        there’s a woman that digs you, right, 
                        but you don’t really like her that way. 
                        How do you let her down real easy so 
                        her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t 
                        get burned to a crisp and eaten?

                        You just tell her she’s not your true 
                        love. Everyone knows what happens when 
                        you find your…(Shrek drops her on 
                        the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to 
                        Duloc the better.

                        You’re gonna love it there, Princess. 
                        It’s beautiful!

                        And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? 
                        What’s he like?

                        Let me put it this way, Princess. Men 
                        of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply. 
                        (he and Donkey laugh)

Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime.

                        I don’t know. There are those who think 
                        little of him.

[They laugh again.]

Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

                        Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. 
                        But I’ll let you do the "measuring" 
                        when you see him tomorrow.

                        (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?! 
                        It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop 
                        to make camp?

                        No, that’ll take longer. We can keep 

                        But there’s robbers in the woods.
                        Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting 
                        to sound good.

                        Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything 
                        we’re going to see in this forest.

                        I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!

Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower as they shrink away from her.


Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.

Shrek: Hey! Over here.

                        Shrek, we can do better than that. I 
                        don’t think this is fit for a princess.

                        No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs 
                        a few homey touches.

                        Homey touches? Like what? (he hears 
                        a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona 
                        who has torn the bark off of a tree.)

                        A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee 
                        good night. (goes into the cave and 
                        puts the bark door up behind her)

                        You want me to read you a bedtime story? 
                        I will.

                        (os) I said good night!
              Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the 
              boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona 
              still inside.

                        Shrek, What are you doing?
                        (laughs) I just.... You know.... Oh, 
                        come on. I was just kidding.


              Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring 
              up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations 
              to Donkey.

                        And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, 
                        the only ogre to ever spit over three 
                        wheat fields.

                        Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future 
                        from these stars?

                        The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey. 
                        They tell stories. Look, there’s Bloodnut, 
                        the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s 
                        famous for.

                        I know you’re making this up.
                        No, look. There he is, and there’s the 
                        group of hunters running away from his 

                        That ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little 

                        You know, Donkey, sometimes things are 
                        more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.

                        (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what 
                        we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

                        Our swamp?
                        You know, when we’re through rescuing 
                        the princess.

                        We? Donkey, there’s no "we". There’s 
                        no "our". There’s just me and my swamp. 
                        The first thing I’m gonna do is build 
                        a ten-foot wall around my land.

                        You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real 
                        deep just now. You know what I think? 
                        I think this whole wall thing is just 
                        a way to keep somebody out.

                        No, do ya think?
                        Are you hidin’ something?
                        Never mind, Donkey.
                        Oh, this is another one of those onion 
                        things, isn’t it?

                        No, this is one of those drop-it and 
                        leave-it alone things.

                        Why don’t you want to talk about it?

                        Why do you want to talk about it?
                        Why are you blocking?
                        I’m not blocking!
                        Oh, yes, you are.
                        Donkey, I’m warning you.
                        Who you trying to keep out?
                        Everyone! Okay?
                        (pause) Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere. 

At this point Fiona pulls the ‘door’ away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.

                        Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and 
                        walks over to the edge of the cliff 
                        and sits down)

                        What’s your problem? What you got against 
                        the whole world anyway?

                        Look, I’m not the one with the problem, 
                        okay? It’s the world that seems to have 
                        a problem with me. People take one look 
                        at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, 
                        stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before 
                        they even know me. That’s why I’m better 
                        off alone.

[Fiona puts the door back.]

                        You know what? When we met, I didn’t 
                        think you was just a big, stupid, ugly 

                        Yeah, I know.
                        So, uh, are there any Donkeys up there?

                        Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small 
                        and Annoying.

                        Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny 
                        one, right there. That one there?
                        That’s the moon.
                        Oh, okay.

Duloc - Farquaad’s Bedroom

              The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays 
              in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic 
              Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. The music fades out

                        Again, show me again. (The mirror rewinds the picture)      Mirror, mirror, 
                        show her to me. Show me the princess.

The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
                        Ah. Perfect.

Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror.


              Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey 
              who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes 
              across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along 
              with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles 
              to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too 
              big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but 
              she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona 
              is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still 
              sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey’s talking 
              in his sleep.

                        (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like 
                        it like that. Come on, baby. I said 
                        I like it.
                        Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
                        Huh? What?
                        Wake up.
                        What? (stretches and yawns)
                        Good morning. Hm, how do you like your 

                        Oh, good morning, Princess!

Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

Shrek: What’s all this about?

                        You know, we kind of got off to a bad 
                        start yesterday. I wanted to make it 
                        up to you. I mean, after all, you did 
                        rescue me.

                        Uh, thanks.

Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

                        Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead 
                        of us. (walks off)


              They are once again on their way. They are walking through the 
              forest. Shrek belches.

                        What? It’s a compliment. Better out 
                        than in, I always say. (laughs)

                        Well, it’s no way to behave in front 
                        of a princess.

              Fiona belches
                        She’s as nasty as you are.
                        (chuckles) You know, you’re not exactly 
                        what I expected.

                        Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people 
                        before you get to know them.

              She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly 
              from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into 
              a tree.

                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        La liberte! Hey!

Shrek: Princess!

                        (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?

                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior! 
                        And I am rescuing you from this green…(kisses 
                        up her arm while Fiona pulls back in 

                        Hey! That’s my princess! Go find your 

                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        Please, monster! Can’t you see I’m a 
                        little busy here?

                        (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don’t 
                        know who you think you are!

                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please 
                        let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men!

              Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out 
              from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin’s theme song.

                                    MERRY MEN
                        Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        I steal from the rich and give to the 

                                    MERRY MEN
                        He takes a wee percentage,
                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        But I’m not greedy. I rescue pretty 
                        damsels, man, I’m good.

                                    MERRY MEN
                        What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        Break it down. I like an honest fight 
                        and a saucy little maid…

                                    MERRY MEN
                        What he’s basically saying is he likes 
                        to get…

                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        Paid. So…When an ogre in the bush 
                        grabs a lady by the tush. That’s bad.

                                    MERRY MEN
                        That’s bad.
                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        When a beauty’s with a beast it makes 
                        me awfully mad.

                                    MERRY MEN
                        He’s mad, he’s really, really mad.

                                    ROBIN HOOD
                        I’ll take my blade and ram it through 
                        your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 
                        ‘cause I’m about to start....

[There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. Shrek looks at her in admiration.]

                        Man, that was annoying!
                                    MERRY MAN
                        Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at 
                        Fiona but she ducks out of the way)

              The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek’s arms to 
              get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.

              Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and 
              then proceeds to beat the head out of the Merry Men. There is 
              a very interesting ‘Matrix’ moment here when Fiona pauses in 
              mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, 
              and Fiona begins walking away.

                        Uh, shall we?
                        Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins 
                        walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, 
                        whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come 

                        That! Back there. That was amazing! 
                        Where did you learn that?

                        Well…(laughs) when one lives alone, 
                        uh, one has to learn these things in 
                        case there’s a…(gasps and points) 
                        there’s an arrow in your butt!

                        What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you 
                        look at that? (he goes to pull it out 
                        but flinches because it’s tender)

                        Oh, no. This is all my fault. I’m so 

                        (walking up) Why? What’s wrong?
                        Shrek’s hurt.
                        Shrek’s hurt. Shrek’s hurt? Oh, no, 
                        Shrek’s gonna die.

                        Donkey, I’m okay.
                        You can’t do this to me, Shrek. I’m 
                        too young for you to die. Keep you legs 
                        elevated. Turn your head and cough. 
                        Does anyone know the Heimlich?

                        Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help 
                        Shrek, run into the woods and find me 
                        a blue flower with red thorns.

                        Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on 
                        it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die 
                        Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay 
                        away from the light!

                        Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                        (runs off)

                        What are the flowers for?
                        (like it’s obvious) For getting rid 
                        of Donkey.

                        Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this 
                        thing out. (gives the arrow a little 

                        (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the 

              As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and 
              Shrek keeps dodging her hands.

                        I’m sorry, but it has to come out.

                        No, it’s tender.
                        Now, hold on.
                        What you’re doing is the opposite of 

                        Don’t move.
                        Look, time out.
                        Would you....(grunts as Shrek puts his 
                        hand over her face to stop her from 
                        getting at the arrow) Okay. What do 
                        you propose we do?


Dokney is still looking for the special flower.

Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.

Shrek: (os) Ow!

Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns)


Shrek: Ow! Not good.

                        Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. 
                        (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It’s just 

                        Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall 
                        over with Fiona on top of him)

                        (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing 
                        happened. We were just, uh....

                        Look, if you wanted to be alone, all 
                        you had to do was ask. Okay?

                        Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on 
                        my mind. The princess here was just....
                        (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he 
                        turns to look at Fiona who holds up 
                        the arrow with a smile) Ow!

                        Hey, what’s that? [Nervous Chuckle]
                        That’s-- Is that blood? [Sighs]

              Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue 
              on their way.
              [Eels: "My Beloved Monster"]
              There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. 
              Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a 
              small brook so that Fiona won’t get wet. Shrek then gets up as 
              Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back 
              into it’s upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting 
              and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb 
              that’s on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it 
              around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins 
              eating like it’s a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. 
              Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting 
              it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning 
              it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group 
              arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
                                [Singing]  My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin’ a raincoat that has four sleeves Get us through all kinds of weather
                     [Singing] She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that’s so mean [Croaks] Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
                 [Singing]  La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la [Both Laughing] La-la, la-la, la-la


                        There it is, Princess. Your future awaits 

                        That’s DuLoc?
                        Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks 
                        Lord Farquaad’s compensating for something, 
                        which I think means he has a really…(Shrek 
                        steps on his hoof) Ow!

                        Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move 

                        Sure. But, Shrek? I’m.... I’m worried 
                        about Donkey.

                        I mean, look at him. He doesn’t look 
                        so good.

                        What are you talking about? I’m fine.

                        (kneels to look him in the eyes) That’s 
                        what they always say, and then next 
                        thing you know, you’re on your back. 
                        (pause) Dead.

                        You know, she’s right. You look awful. 
                        Do you want to sit down?

                        Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea.

                        I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I 
                        got this twinge in my neck, and when 
                        I turn my head like this, look, (turns 
                        his neck in a very sharp way until his 
                        head is completely sideways) Ow! See?

                        Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.

                        I’ll get the firewood.
                        Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t 
                        feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) 
                        I don’t have any toes! I think I need 
                        a hug.


              Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while 
              Fiona eats.

                        Mmm. This is good. This is really good. 
                        What is this?

                        Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
                        No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

                        Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, 
                        I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean 
                        weed rat stew. (chuckles)

Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

Fiona: I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

                        Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp 
                        sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff 
                        for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare 
                        - - you name it.

                        (smiles) I’d like that.

They smiled at each other.

Shrek: Um, Princess?

Fiona: Yes, Shrek?

                        I, um, I was wondering…are you…(sighs) 
                        Are you gonna eat that?

                        (chuckles) Man, isn’t this romantic? 
                        Just look at that sunset.

                        (jumps up) Sunset?! Oh, no! I mean, it’s 
                        late. I-It’s very late.

                        Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on 
                        here. You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t 

                        Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. 
                        You know, I’d better go inside.

                        Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to 
                        be afraid of the dark, too, until - 
                        - Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of 
                        the dark.

              Shrek sighs
                        Good night.
                        Good night.
              Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks 
              at Shrek with a new eye.

                        Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on 

                        Oh, what are you talkin’ about?
                        I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m 
                        an animal, and I got instincts. And 
                        I know you two were diggin’ on each 
                        other. I could feel it.

                        You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her 
                        back to Farquaad.

                        Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell 
                        the pheromones. Just go on in and tell 
                        her how you feel.

                        I.... There’s nothing to tell. Besides, 
                        even if I did tell her that, well, you 
                        know.... and I’m not sayin’ I do ‘cause 
                        I don’t.... she’s a princess, and I’m....

                        An ogre?
                        Yeah. An ogre.
                        Hey, where you goin’?
                        To get… more firewood. (sighs)

Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.


Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen.

                        Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, 
                        where are you? Princess?

Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can’t see her.

Donkey: It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.

Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn’t look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out.

Donkey: Aaaah!

Fiona: No, no!

Donkey: No, help!

Fiona: Shh!

Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

Fiona: No, it’s okay. It’s okay.

Donkey: What did you do with the princess?

Fiona: Donkey, shh! I’m the princess.

Donkey: Aah!

Fiona: It’s me, in this body.

Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me?

Fiona: Donkey!

Donkey: (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there!

Fiona: No!

Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

Fiona: Shh.

Donkey: Shrek!

Fiona: This is me.

Donkey: (he looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down.) Princess? What happened to you? You’re, uh, uh, uh, different.

Fiona: I’m ugly, okay?

Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now....

Fiona: No. I.... I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.

Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.

Fiona: It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you find true love’s first kiss… and then take love’s true form."

Donkey: Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.

                        It’s a spell. (sigh) When I was a little 
                        girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every 
                        night I become this. This horrible, 
                        ugly beast! I was placed in a tower 
                        to await the day my true love would 
                        rescue me. That’s why I have to marry 
                        Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun 
                        sets and he sees me like this. (begins 
                        to cry)

                        All right, all right. Calm down. Look, 
                        it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly. 
                        Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. 
                        But you only look like this at night. 
                        Shrek’s ugly 24-7.

                        But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this 
                        is not how a princess is meant to look.

                        Princess, how ‘bout if you don’t marry 

                        I have to. Only my true love’s kiss 
                        can break the spell.

                        But, you know, um, you’re kind of an 
                        ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a 
                        lot in common.

Fiona: Shrek?


Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand.

                        (to himself) Princess, I.... Uh, how’s 
                        it going, first of all? Good? Um, good 
                        for me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower 
                        and thought of you because it’s pretty 
                        and.... well, I don’t really like it, 
                        but I thought you might like it ‘cause 
                        you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. 
                        I’d.... uh, uh.... (sighs) I’m in trouble. 
                        Okay, here we go.

He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.

                        (os) I can’t just marry whoever I want. 
                        Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, 
                        really, who can ever love a beast so 
                        hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" 
                        don’t go together. That’s why I can’t 
                        stay here with Shrek.

              Shrek steps back in shock.
                        (os) My only chance to live happily 
                        ever after is to marry my true love.

Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.


                        Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how 
                        it has to be. It’s the only way to break 
                        the spell.

                        You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

                        No! You can’t breathe a word. No one 
                        must ever know.

                        What’s the point of being able to talk 
                        if you gotta keep secrets?

                        Promise you won’t tell. Promise!
                        All right, all right. I won’t tell him. 
                        But you should. (goes outside) I just 
                        know before this is over, I’m gonna 
                        need a whole lot of serious therapy. 
                        Look at my eye twitchin’.

Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.


              Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still 
              awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.

                        I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, 
                        I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly 
                        runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! 
                        Shrek, there’s something I want....

Fiona looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human. Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her.

Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?

Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.

Fiona: I.... I don’t.... There’s something I have to tell you.

Shrek: You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.

Fiona: You heard what I said?

Shrek: Every word.

Fiona: I thought you’d understand.

                        Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who 
                        could love a hideous, ugly beast?"

                        But I thought that wouldn’t matter to 

                        Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at 
                        him in shock. He looks past her and 
                        spots a group approaching.) Ah, right 
                        on time. Princess, I’ve brought you 
                        a little something.

              Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal 
              sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he’s only 
              like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers 
              march by.

Donkey: What’d I miss? What’d I miss? (he spots the soldiers, mumbling to himself.) Who said that? Couldn’t have been the Donkey.

Farquaad: Princess Fiona.

Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.

                        Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece 
                        of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared 
                        out, as agreed. Take it and go before 
                        I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) 
                        Forgive me, Princess, for startling 
                        you, but you startled me, for I have 
                        never seen such a radiant beauty before. 
                        I’m Lord Farquaad.

                        Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad 
                        snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, 
                        for I was just saying a short… (Watches 
                        as Farquaad is lifted off his horse 
                        and set down in front of her. He comes 
                        to her waist.) farewell.

                        Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have 
                        to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s 
                        not like it has feelings.

Fiona: No, you’re right. It doesn’t.

Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.

                        Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless 
                        Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. 
                        Will you be the perfect bride for the 
                        perfect groom?

                        Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would 

                        (interrupting) Excellent! I’ll start 
                        the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

                        No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get 
                        married today before the sun sets.

                        Oh, anxious, are you? You’re right. 
                        The sooner, the better. There’s so much 
                        to do! There’s the caterer, the cake, 
                        the band, the guest list. Captain, round 
                        up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona 
                        on the back of his horse)

                        Fare-thee-well, ogre.

Farquaad’s whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.

Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.

Shrek: Yeah? So what?

Donkey: Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to her last night, She’s....

Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?

Donkey: Shrek, I.... I wanna go with you.

Shrek: I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Donkeys!

Donkey: But I thought....

Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off)

Donkey: Shrek.

              [John Cale: "Hallelujah"]
              Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona 
              being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running 
              into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner 
              alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.


Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate.

Shrek: Donkey? (as Donkey ignores him and continues with what he’s doing.) What are you doing?

Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.

Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

Donkey: It is around your half. See that’s your half, and this is my half.

Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.

Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.

Shrek: (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Back off!

Donkey: No, you back off!

Shrek: This is my swamp!

Donkey: Our swamp!

Shrek: Let go, Donkey!

Donkey: You let go!

Shrek: Stubborn stupid!

Donkey: Smelly ogre!

Shrek: Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away)

Donkey: Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through with you yet.

Shrek: Well, I’m through with you.

Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it’s always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it’s my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don’t appreciate anything that I do! You’re always pushing me around or pushing me away.

Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

Donkey: Because that’s what friends do! They forgive each other!

Shrek: Oh, yeah. You’re right, Donkey. I forgive you… for stabbin’ me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door)

Donkey: Ohh! You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your own feelings.

Shrek: (os) Go away!

Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

Shrek: (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.

Donkey: She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was talkin’ about, uh, somebody else.

Shrek: (opens the door and comes out) She wasn’t talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me. Right? Right?

Shrek: Donkey!

Donkey: No!

Shrek: Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right? (sigh) I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?

Donkey: Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?

Shrek: Right. Friends?

Donkey: Friends.

Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don’t you just go ask her?

Shrek: The wedding! We’ll never make it in time!

Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s a will, there’s a way and I have a way. (whistles)

Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on.

Shrek: Donkey?

Donkey: I guess it’s just my animal magnetism.

They both laugh.

Shrek: Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie)

                        All right, all right. Don’t get all 
                        slobbery. No one likes a kiss. All 
                        right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t 
                        had a chance to install the seat belts 

They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.


[Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says ‘Reverend Silence’.]

Priest: People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union….

Fiona: (eyeing the setting sun) Um....

Priest: …of our new king…

Fiona: Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do’s"?

Farquaad: (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on.


Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running.

                        (to Dragon) Go ahead, have some fun. 
                        If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about 
                        that? (she nods and goes after the guards) 
                        Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You 
                        wanna do this right, don’t you?

                        (at the Church door) What are you talking 

                        There’s a line you gotta wait for. The 
                        preacher’s gonna say, "Speak now or 
                        forever hold your peace." That’s when 
                        you say, "I object!"

                        I don’t have time for this!
                        Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen 
                        to me! Look, you love this woman, don’t 
                        You wanna hold her?
                        Please her?
                        (singing James Brown style) Then you 
                        got to, got to try a little tenderness. 
                        (normal) The chicks love that romantic 

                        All right! Cut it out. When does this 
                        guy say the line?

                        We gotta check it out.


              As the priest talks we see Donkey’s shadow through one of the 
              windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.

                        And so, by the power vested in me…


                        What do you see?
                        The whole town’s in there.


                        I now pronounce you husband and wife…


                        They’re at the altar.


                        …king and queen.


                        Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

                        Oh, for the love of Pete!

He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.


                        (running toward the alter) I object!


The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?

                        (to congregation as he reaches the front 
                        of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin’ 
                        a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first 
                        of all. Very clean.

                        What are you doing here?
                        Really, it’s rude enough being alive 
                        when no one wants you, but showing up 
                        uninvited to a wedding…

                        Fiona! I need to talk to you.
                        Oh, now you wanna talk? It’s a little 
                        late for that, so if you’ll excuse me 
                        - -

                        But you can’t marry him.
                        And why not?
                        Because- - Because he’s just marring 
                        you so he can be king.

                        Outrageous! Fiona, don’t listen to him.

                        He’s not your true love.
                        And what do you know about true love?

                        Well, I.... Uh.... I mean....
                        Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen 
                        in love with the princess! Oh, good 
                        Lord. (laughs)

              The prompter card guy holds up a card that says ‘Laugh’. The 
              whole congregation laughs.

                        An ogre and a princess!

Fiona: Shrek, is this true?

                        Who cares? It’s preposterous! Fiona, 
                        my love, we’re about a kiss away from 
                        our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! 
                        (puckers his lips and leans toward her, 
                        but she pulls back.)

                        (looking at the setting sun) "By night 
                        one way, by day another." (to Shrek) 
                        I wanted to show you before.

              She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. 
              She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.

                        Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona 

                        Ugh! It’s disgusting! Guards! Guards! 
                        I order you to get that out of my sight 
                        now! Get them! Get them both!

The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them.

Fiona: No, no! Shrek!

Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?

Fiona: No, let go of me! Shrek!

Shrek: No!

                        Don’t just stand there, you morons.

                        Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
                        I’ll make you regret the day we met. 
                        I’ll see you drawn and quartered! You’ll 
                        beg for death to save you!

Fiona: No, Shrek!

                        (hold a dagger to Fiona’s throat) And 
                        as for you, my wife…

                        I’ll have you locked back in that tower 
                        for the rest of your days! I’m king!

              Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
                        I will have order! I will have perfection! 
                        I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon 
                        show up and the dragon leans down and 
                        eats Farquaad) AAAAH!!! Aah!

                        All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon 
                        here, and I’m not afraid to use it. 
                        (The dragon roars.) I’m a Donkey on 
                        the edge!

The dragon belches and Farquaad’s crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.

Donkey: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? (as the congregation cheers.) Go ahead, Shrek.

Shrek: Uh, Fiona?

Fiona: Yes, Shrek?

Shrek: I.... I love you.

Fiona: Really?

Shrek: Really, really.

Fiona: (smiles) I love you too.

              Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 
              ‘Awwww’ on the back and then shows it to the congregation.

              Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She’s lifted 
              up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around 

                        "Until you find true love’s first kiss 
                        and then take love’s true form. Take 
                        love’s true form. Take love’s true form."

              Suddenly Fiona’s eyes open wide. She’s consumed by the spell 
              and then is slowly lowered to the ground.

                        (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are 
                        you all right?

                        (standing up, she’s still an ogre) Well, 
                        yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed 
                        to be beautiful.

                        But you ARE beautiful.

They smile at each other.

                        I was hoping this would be 
                        a happy ending.

              Shrek and Fiona kiss…and the kiss fades into…


              …their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. ‘I’m 
              a Believer’ by Smash Mouth is played in the background. Shrek 
              and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting 
              carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet 
              which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end 
              up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet 
              instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now 
              has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona 
              walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over 
              singing the song.

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        God bless us, every one.
                        (as he’s done singing and we cut to 
                        black) Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh. I can’t 
                        breathe. I can’t breathe.

              THE END
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.