Transcript[]
Prince Charming: Once upon a time in a kingdom far far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy. Until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower there to await the kiss of the handsome prince charming!
Prince Charming: It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s keep. [crows caw] For he was the bravest, and most handsome… in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her… [the prince gasps, seeing the Big Bad Wolf in Fiona's place]
Wolf: What?
Prince Charming: Princess… Fiona?
Wolf: No!
Prince Charming: [sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
Wolf: She’s on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom?!
[Scene changes to Shrek and Fiona entering their bridal suite.]
[♪ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love]
♪ So she said what’s the problem, baby? ♪ What’s the problem? I don’t know ♪ Well, maybe I’m in love ♪ Think about it every time I think ‘bout it ♪ Can’t stop thinking ‘bout it How much longer will it take to cure this? ♪ Just to cure it, ‘cause I can’t ignore it If it’s love, love ♪ Makes me wanna turn around and face me ♪ But I don’t know nothing ‘bout love ♪ Oh, come on, come on
Little Red Riding Hood: [screams]
♪ Turn a little faster ♪ Come on, come on ♪ The world will follow after ♪ Come on, come on ♪ Everybody’s after love ♪ So I said ♪ I’m a snowball running ♪ Running down into this spring that’s coming all this love ♪ Melting under blue skies belting out sunlight ♪ Shimmering love ♪ Well, baby, I surrender ♪ To the strawberry ice cream ♪ Never ever end of all this love ♪ Well, I didn’t mean to do it ♪ But there’s no escaping your love ♪ These lines of lightning mean we’re never alone ♪ Never alone, no, no ♪ Come on, come on ♪ Jump a little higher ♪ Come on, come on ♪ If you feel a little lighter ♪ Come on, come on ♪ We were once upon a time in love ♪ Hyah! ♪ We’re accidentally in love ♪ Accidentally in love ♪ Accidentally in love ♪ Accidentally in love ♪ Accidentally in love ♪ Accidentally in love ♪ Accidentally in love ♪ Accidentally I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love I’m in love, I’m in love ♪ Accidentally in love ♪ I’m in love I’m in love ♪
Shrek: It’s so good to be home!
- [distant singing]
- [giggling]
Shrek: Just you and me and…
[Donkey sings]
- Two can be as bad as one…
- Shrek: Donkey?
Donkey: Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ‘bout a side of sugar for the steed?
Shrek: Donkey, what are you doing here?
Donkey: Oh! I was just taking care of your love nest for you.
Shrek: Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants?
Donkey: Yeah, and feeding the fish!
Shrek: I don’t have any fish.
Donkey: You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your…[mumbling]
Shrek: Look at the time. I guess you’d better be going.
Donkey: Don’t you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Fiona: Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting home to Dragon?
Donkey: Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately. So I thought I’d move back in with you guys!
Fiona: You know we’re always happy to see you, Donkey.
Shrek: But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone.
Donkey: Say no more, say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you!
Shrek: Donkey!
Donkey: Yes, roomie?
Shrek: You’re bothering me.
Donkey: Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess uh… Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so uh.... Maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or something.
Shrek: He’ll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh. I think I remember. Donkey!
- [Fiona yelps]
Donkey: I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going. What do you want me to tell these other guys?
[fanfare]
[♪ theme to Hawaii Five-O]
Messenger: Enough, Reggie. [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing… upon you and your…" uh…"Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad."
Fiona: Mom and Dad?
Shrek: Prince Charming?
Donkey: Royal ball? Can I come?
Shrek: We’re not going.
[Fiona and donkey] What?
Shrek: I mean, don’t you think they might be a bit… shocked to see you like this?
Fiona: [chuckles] Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they’re my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don’t worry. They're gonna love you, too.
Shrek: Yeah, right. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be welcome at the country club.
Fiona: Will you stop it? They’re not like that.
Shrek: Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Fiona: Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance.
Shrek: To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks?
Fiona: No! They just want to give you their blessing.
Shrek: Oh, great. Now I need their blessing?
Fiona: Well, if you want to be a part of this family, yes!
Shrek: And who says I want to be part of this family?
Fiona: Uh, you did! When you married me!
Shrek: Well, there’s some fine print for you!
[exasperated sigh]
Fiona: So that’s it. You won’t come?
Shrek: Trust me. It’s a bad idea. We are not going! And that’s final!
[luggage thuds on carriage]
- Donkey: Hey, come on Shrek! We don’t want to hit traffic!
- Gingy: Don’t worry! We’ll take care of everything.
[all cheer]
Blind Mouse: Hey, wait for me. Oof!
- [glass breaks]
[sighs]
[♪ Chic: Le Freak]
Donkey: [singing] Hit it! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Head ‘em up, move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Rawhide! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Rawhide! Ride ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Rawhide! Knock ‘em out! Pound ‘em dead! Make ‘em tea! Buy ‘em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk ‘em hard! Rawhide! Yee-haw! Are we there yet?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Fiona: Not yet.
Donkey: OK, are we there yet?
Fiona: No.
Donkey: Are we there yet?
-Shrek: No!
- Donkey: Are we there yet?
- Shrek: Yes.
- Donkey: Really?
- Shrek: No!
Donkey: Are we there yet?
FIona: No!
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: No, we're not!
- Donkey: Are we there yet?
- Shrek & Fiona: No!
Donkey: Are we there yet?
- [Shrek mimics]
Donkey: That’s not funny. Hey, that’s really immature.
- [Shrek mimics]
Donkey: See, this is why nobody likes ogres.
- [Shrek mimics]
Donkey: Alright, you lost!
- [Shrek mimics]
Donkey: I’m gonna just stop talking.
Shrek: Finally!
Donkey: But this is taking forever, Shrek. There’s no in-flight movie or nothing!
Shrek: The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That’s where we’re going. Far, far… [softly] away!
Donkey: All right, all right, I get it. I’m just so darn bored.
Shrek: Well, find a way to entertain yourself.
Donkey: [sighs] [deep sigh] [clicks tongue] [popping] - [popping]
Shrek: [exasperated sigh] For five minutes… Could you not be yourself… [shouts] FOR FIVE MINUTES?!
Donkey: [popping]
Shrek: [shrieks] ARE WE THERE YET?!
Fiona: [chuckles] Yes!
Donkey: Oh, finally!
[fanfare]
[♪ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown]
Donkey: Wow! It’s going to be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on. Hey, good-looking! We’ll be back to pick you up later! ooo! pantyhose!
Shrek: We are definitely not in the swamp anymore.
[whistle] Halt!
Pedestrian: Hey, everyone, look.
Donkey: Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh? You working that hat. Swimming pools! Movie stars!
[cheering]
[applause]
[fanfare]
Announcer: Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband.
Fiona: Well, this is it.
King Harold: This is it.
Announcer: This is it.
Dove Guy: This is it.
[fanfare]
[fanfare and cheering stop]
[gasps]
[tweeting]
[baby wails]
Donkey: Uh… why don’t you guys go ahead? I’ll park the car.
Shrek: So…[chuckles] you still think this was a good idea?
Fiona: Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us.
King Harold: [softly] Who on earth are they?
Queen Lillian: [softly] I think that’s our little girl.
King Harold: That’s not little! That’s a really big problem. Wasn’t she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?
Queen Lillian: Well, he’s no Prince Charming, but they do look…
Shrek: [softly] Happy now? We came. We saw them. [nervous chuckle] Now let’s go before they light the torches.
Fiona- They’re my parents.
Shrek: Hello? They locked you in a tower.
Fiona- hey! That was for my own…
King Harold- Good! Here’s our chance. Let’s go back inside and pretend we’re not home.
Queen Lillian: Harold, we have to be…
Shrek: Quick! While they’re not looking we can make a run for it.
Fiona- Shrek, stop it! Everything’s gonna be…
King Harold- A disaster! There is no way…
Fiona: You can do this.
Shrek: I really…
King Harold - Really…
Queen Lillian- really
Shrek- don’t…
Lillian- want…
Shrek- to… be...Here!
Fiona- Mom… Dad… I’d like you to meet my husband… Shrek.
Shrek- Well, um… It’s easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from.
[chuckles nervously]
[gulps]
[eating noises]
Fiona- [belches] Excuse me.
- [Shrek & Fiona laugh]
Shrek- Better out than in,I always say, eh, Fiona?
[both giggle]
Shrek-That’s good. ...I guess not.
Donkey- What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am.
[doors slam]
Donkey- hey! What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. you know I had the hardest time finding this place.
King Harold- No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
Fiona- no, no, No, Dad! It’s all right. It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
Donkey- yep That’s me: the noble steed. Ay Waiter! How ‘bout a bowl for the steed?
Shrek- Oh, boy. [slurps]
Fiona- Um, Shrek?
Shrek- Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm!
Fiona- No, no. Darling.
Shrek- [chuckles nervously] Oh!
Queen Lillian: So, Fiona, tell us about where you live.
Fiona: Well… Shrek owns his own land. Don’t you, honey?
Shrek: Oh, yes! It’s in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and…
Donkey: [laughing] What? Ahaha I know you ain’t talking about the swamp.
King Harold: An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original.
Queen Lillian: Well I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children.
King Harold: [splutters]
Shrek: [chokes]
[spoon clinks on table]
- Shrek: It’s a bit early to be thinking about that, isn’t it?
King Harold: Indeed. I just started eating.
Queen Lillian: Harold!
Shrek; What’s that supposed to mean?
Fiona: Dad. It’s great, OK?
King Harold: well For his type, yes.
Shrek: My type?
Donkey: uhhh I gotta go to the bathroom.
Chef: Dinner is served!
Donkey: Never mind. I can hold it.
Chef: Bon appetit
Donkey: Oh, Mexican food! My favorite.
Queen Lillian: well Let’s not just sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in.
Donkey: Don’t mind if I do, Lillian.
King Harold: Sooo I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be…
Shrek: Ogres, yes!
Queen Lillian- Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?
King Harold: Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don’t eat your own young!
Fiona: Dad!
Shrek: ohhh No, we usually prefer the ones who’ve been locked away in a tower!
Fiona: Shrek, please!
King Harold: I only did that because I love her.
Shrek: oh Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle.
King Harold: You wouldn’t understand. You’re not her father!
FIona- [sigh]
Queen Lillian: It’s so nice to have the family together for dinner.
Queen Lillian- Harold!
FIona- Shrek!
Shrek - Fiona!
King Harold- Fiona!
Fiona: Mom!
Queen Lillian: Harold…
Donkey: Donkey!
[glissando]
Fairy Godmother: [singing] Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily…
[both gasp]
Fairy Godmother: Wah! oh.. oh my dear. Oh, look at you. you're all um... You’re all grown up.
[chuckles]
Fiona- uhm Who are you?
Fairy Godmother: Oh, sweet pea! I’m your fairy godmother.
Fiona- I have a fairy godmother?
Fairy Godmother: Shu shu shu Shush, shush. Now, don’t worry. I'm here to make it all better. With...just...a… [singing] Wave of my magic wand! Your troubles will soon be gone!
With a flick of the wrist and just a flash, You’ll land a prince with a ton of cash
A high-priced dress made by mice no less
Some crystal glass pumps And no more stress
Your worries will vanish, your soul will cleanse
Confide in your very own furniture friends
We’ll help you set a new fashion trend
I’ll make you fancy, I’ll make you great
Furniture: The kind of girl a prince would date!
Fairy Godmother: They’ll write your name on the bathroom wall…
Mirror: "For a happy ever after, give Fiona a call!"
Fairy Godmother: A sporty carriage to ride in style, Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle
Banish your blemishes, tooth decay, Cellulite thighs will fade away
And oh, what the hey! Have a bichon frisé! ‘
Nip and tuck, here and there to land that prince with the perfect hair
Lipstick liners, shadows blush To get that prince with the sexy tush
Lucky day, hunk buffet You and your prince take a roll in the hay
You can spoon on the moon With the prince to the tune
Don’t be drab, you’ll be fab Your prince will have rock-hard abs
Cheese soufflé, Valentine’s Day Have some chicken fricassee!
Nip and tuck, here and there To land that prince with the perfect hair
Fiona: Stop! [chuckles] Look… Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I really don’t need all this.
[gasps and mutterings of disapproval]
Furniture: Fine. Be that way. We didn’t like you, anyway.
[knocking]
Shrek: Fiona? Fiona?
[Dog Barks]
Donkey- Oh! You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.
Fiona- Oh, uh… Fairy Godmother, furniture… [giggles] I’d like you to meet my husband, Shrek.
Fairy Godmother: Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen?
Fiona: Shrek is the one who rescued me.
Fairy Godmother: But that can’t be right!
Shrek- Oh, great, more relatives!
Fiona-She’s just trying to help.
Shrek-Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We’re leaving.
Fiona- What?
Donkey- leaving? I don’t want to leave.
Fiona- When did you decide this?
Shrek- Shortly after arriving.
Fiona- Look, I I’m sorry…
Fairy Godmother- No no no no, that’s all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me… happiness… is just a teardrop away.
Shrek: Thanks, but we’ve got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy…
Fairy Godmother: So I see.[laughs] Let’s go, Kyle.
FIona- Very nice, Shrek.
Shrek- What? I told you coming here was a bad idea.
Fiona- You could’ve at least tried to get along with my father.
Shrek- Somehow I don’t think I was going to get Daddy’s blessing, even if I did want it.
[Bichon Frise barks]
Fiona- well Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?
Shrek- Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?
Fiona- You’re unbelievable! You’re behaving like a…
Shrek- Go on! Say it!
Fiona- Like an ogre!
Shrek: well Here’s a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not… I am an ogre!
Dog: [yelps]
Shrek: [roars]
Dog: [whimpers]
Shrek- And guess what, Princess? That’s not about to change.
Fiona- I’ve made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.
[door slams]
Donkey: That’s real smooth, Shrek. "I’m an ogre!" [mimics Shrek roaring]
[sniffling]
King Harold- I knew this would happen.
Queen LIllian: You should. You started it.
King Harold- I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He’s the ogre. Not me.
Queen Lillian- I think, Harold, you’re taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona’s choice.
King Harold- Yes But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this… this thing?
Queen Lillian- Fiona does. And she’ll never forgive you if you don’t. I don’t want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? And oh, We used to walk down by the lily pond and… [Harold sighs] they were in bloom…
King Harold- Our first kiss. It’s not the same! I don’t think you realize that our daughter has married a monster!
Queen Lillian- Oh, stop being such a drama king.
King Harold: Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn’t it all wonderful! I’d like to know how it could get any worse!
Fairy Godmother: Hello, Harold.
King Harold: [gasps]
Queen Lillian: What happened?
King Harold: Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! [chuckles] I’ll just stretch it out here for a while.
Fairy Godmother: You better get in. We need to talk.
King Harold: Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. [yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, um how about… we make this a quick visit. What? Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what’s new?
Fairy Godmother: You remember my son, Prince Charming?
- Harold: Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
- Charming: [irritated] Oh, about 5 minutes ago, actually. [Raised tone] After I endured blistering winds! And scorching desert! Climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower– [cut off by his mother]
- Fairy Godmother: Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find?! Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!
King Harold: I mean, It wasn’t my fault. He didn’t get there in time.
Fairy Godmother: Stop the car!
[crash]
Fairy Godmother: Harold. You force me to do something I really don’t want to do.
King Harold: [gasps] Where are we?
Friars Employee: Well Hi there. Welcome to Friar’s Fat Boy! May I take your order?
Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you’re happy. Er… okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo… chili rings…
Prince Charming: Yeah I’ll have the Medieval Meal.
Fairy Godmother: One Medieval Meal and, Harold… Curly fries?
King Harold: No, thank you.
Fairy Godmother: Sourdough soft taco, then?
King Harold: No, really, I’m fine.
Friars Employee: Your order, Fairy Godmother. and This comes with the Medieval Meal.
Fairy Godmother: There you are, dear. you see We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don’t want me to go back on my part.
King Harold: [sighs deeply] Indeed not.
Fairy Godmother: So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
King Harold: Yes.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, Believe me, Harold. It’s what’s best. Not only for your daughter… but for your Kingdom.
King Harold: What am I supposed to do about it?
Fairy Godmother: Use your imagination.
[whooshing]
[whinnies]
Cyclops- Oh… uh Come on in, Your Majesty.
[piano plays, people talk]
Captain Hook : I like my town
With a little drop of poison
Nobody knows…
The Headless Horseman: [belches]
King Harold- [clears throat] Excuse me.
Lady Frog- Do I know you?
King Harold- No, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh… excuse me. I’m looking for the Ugly Stepsister. Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of.
Doris: Who’s the guy?
Harold - Well, he’s not a guy, per se. Um… He’s an ogre.
[crowd gasp]
Doris: Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly… he don't like to be disturbed.
King Harold: Where could I find him?
[knock on door]
Harold- H-Hello?
Puss in Boots: Who dares enter my room?
King Harold: Sorry! I hope I’m not interrupting, but I’m told you’re the one to talk to about an ogre problem?
Puss in Boots: You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money.
King Harold: Would… this be enough?
Puss in Boots: You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.
[♪ Eels: I Need Some Sleep]
[snoring]
[chimes]
Everyone says I’m getting down too low
Everyone says you’ve just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I’m in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning round
Everyone says you’ve just gotta let it go
Everyone says you’ve just gotta let it go
Fiona Doll: Dear Knight, I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
[plays tune]
Fiona (VO): Dear Diary… Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can’t go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I’m going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I’m old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we’ll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. [echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming.
[knock on door]
King Harold: Sorry. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
Shrek: No, no. I was just reading a, uh… a scary book.
King Harold: I was hoping you’d let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier.
Shrek: Okay…
King Harold: I don’t know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over…
Shrek: Look, Your Majesty, I just…
King Harold: Please. Call me Dad.
Shrek: Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other.
King Harold: Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona.
[sighs]
King Harold: Shall we say, 7:30 by the old oak?
[birds twitter]
Shrek: Face it, Donkey! We’re lost.
Donkey: We can’t be lost. We followed the King’s instructions exactly. What are those things? "Head to the darkest part of the woods…"
Shrek: Aye.
Donkey: Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches.
Shrek: Check.
Donkey: Yeah, and there’s the bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!
Shrek: We passed that three times already!
Donkey: Hey, you were the one who said not to stop for directions.
Shrek: Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona’s dad, and I end up lost in the woods with you!
Donkey: You don’t have to get huffy with me, I’m only trying to help.
Shrek: I know! I know. (sighs) I’m sorry, all right?
Donkey: Hey, don’t worry about it.
Shrek: I just really need to make things work with this guy.
Donkey: Yeah, sure. Now let’s go bond with Daddy.
(mysterious purring sound)
Shrek: Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring?
Donkey: What? I ain’t purring.
Shrek: Oh, Sure. What’s next? A hug?
Donkey: Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a…
[Puss in Boots jumps down from the tree.]
Puss in Boots: Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! (hisses)
Shrek: Hey look! A little cat.
Donkey: Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!
Shrek: It’s a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. Oh! Come here, little kitty.
Puss in Boots: (Grows then meows and attacks Shrek on the leg.)
Shrek: (screaming) Ow! Whoa!
Donkey: (gasps) Hold on, Shrek! I’m coming!
Shrek: Come on! Oh, get it off! Oh, get it off! Oh, God. Oh… No! Ooh! Aagh! Donkey!
Donkey: Look out, Shrek! Hold still!
Shrek: Get it off!
Donkey: Shrek! Hold still! (Kicks Shrek by accident)
Donkey: Did I miss?
Shrek: No. You got them.
Puss in Boots: Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from… Puss… in Boots!
Shrek: Ohh, I’ll kill that cat!
Puss in Boots: Ah-ha-ha! [coughs] [wheezes] [retches] [coughs then hacks] [chuckles] Hairball.
Donkey: Oh! That is nasty!
Shrek: What should we do with him?
Donkey: Take the sword and neuter him. Give him the Bob Barker treatment.
Puss in Boots: Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers…
Shrek: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona’s father paid you to do this?
Puss in Boots: The rich King? Sí. [Raow]
Shrek: Well, so much for Dad’s royal blessing.
Donkey: Oh come on, Shrek, don’t feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.
Shrek: Gee, thanks. Maybe Fiona would’ve been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
Puss in Boots: Si, that’s what the King said. Oh, uh… sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
Donkey: Shrek, Fiona knows you’d do anything for her.
Shrek: Well, it’s not like I wouldn’t change if I could. I just… I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone… "Happiness." "A tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.
Donkey: Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway?
Shrek: No, Donkey! I need you to cry!
Donkey: Don’t go projecting on me. I know you’re feeling bad, but you got to… (gets kicked by puss) Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of…
Fairy Godmother: What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I’m either away from my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we’ll be glad to make you an appointment. Have a "happy ever after."
Donkey: Oh…
Shrek: Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
Donkey: That’s more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! (Singing) Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Whoo! We’re on the move!
Puss in Boots: Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you.
Donkey: Join the club. We’ve got jackets.
Puss in Boots: On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine.
Donkey: The position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let’s go, Shrek. Shrek?
Shrek looks down into the eyes of Puss in Boots.
Donkey: Shrek?!
Shrek: Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him… in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Let’s keep him!
Donkey: Say what?
Puss in Boots: [purrs]
Donkey: Ahh!
Shrek: Aw, listen. He’s purring
Donkey: Oh, so now it’s cute.
Shrek: [trying to convince Donkey to let Puss in Boots join them] Come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
Donkey: Lighten up? I should lighten up? Look who’s telling who to lighten up!
Fiona: [giggles] Shrek!
[barks] [barks]
Fiona: Shrek?
Queen Lillian: They’re both festive, aren’t they? What do you think, Harold?
King Harold: Um… Yes, yes. Fine. Fine.
[sighs]
Queen Lillian: Try to at least pretend you’re interested in your daughter’s wedding ball.
King Harold: Honestly, Lillian, I don’t think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball?
Fiona: Mom. Dad.
Queen Lillian: Oh, hello, dear.
King Harold: What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming.
Fiona: Mom, have you seen Shrek?
Queen Lillian: I haven’t. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He’s a little slow this morning.
Cedric: Can I help you, Your Majesty?
King Harold: Ah, yes! Um… Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish?
Cedric: That would be the dog’s breakfast, Your Majesty.
King Harold: Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric.
Fiona: Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek?
King Harold: No, I haven’t, dear. I’m sure he just went off to look for a nice… mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night.
Fiona: Oh. You heard that, huh?
King Harold: The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be… well, a bit of a brute.
Fiona: Him? You know, you didn’t exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon.
King Harold: Well, what did you expect? Look at what he’s done to you.
Fiona: Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you’d be happy for me.
King Harold: Darling, I’m just thinking about what’s best for you. Maybe you should do the same.
[both whisper]
Shrek: No, really?
[Both Laugh]
Shrek: Shh…
Donkey: Oh…
[hooter blasts]
Donkey: Oh, no. That’s the old Keebler’s place. Let’s back away slowly.
Puss in Boots: That’s the Fairy Godmother’s cottage. She’s the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.
Shrek: Then why don’t we pop in there for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell!
[Puss in Boots shrieks with laughter]
Puss in Boots: He makes me laugh.
Shrek: Hi. I’m here to see the…
Jerome: The Fairy Godmother. I’m sorry. She is not in.
Fairy Godmother: Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now!
Jerome: [sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. Look, she’s not seeing any clients today, OK?
Shrek: That’s OK, buddy. We’re from the union.
Jerome: The union?
Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
Jerome: Oh! Oh, right.
Shrek: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Jerome: Uh… a little. We don’t even have dental.
Shrek: They don’t even have dental. Okay, we’ll just have a look around. Oh. By the way. I think it’d be better if the Fairy Godmother didn’t know we were here. Know what I’m saying? Huh?
Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?
Shrek: Stop it.
Jeremo: Of course. Go right in.
[voices and grinding machines]
[explosion]
Fairy Godmother: A drop of desire. [giggles] Naughty! A pinch of passion. [laughs] And just a hint of… lust! [laughs]
Shrek: Excuse me.
Fairy Godmother: [gasps]
Shrek: Sorry to barge in like this…
Fairy Godmother: What in Grimm’s name are you doing here?
Shrek: Well, it seems that Fiona’s not exactly happy.
Fairy Godmother: Oh-ho-ho! And there’s some question as to why that is? Well, let’s explore that, shall we? Ah. P, P, P… Princess. Cinderella. Here we are. Lived happily ever after." Oh… [laughs] No ogres! Let’s see. Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman… No, no, no, no, no! You see, ogres don’t live happily ever after.
Shrek: All right, look, lady!
Fairy Godmother: Don’t you point… those dirty green sausages at me!
Worker Elf: Your Monte Cristo and coffee. Oh! Sorry.
Shrek: Ah… that’s okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother.
Fairy Godmother: Just… go.
Shrek: Come on, guys.
Worker Elf: [whistles tune]
Shrek: TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, Mac?
Donkey: Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face! Man, that stinks!
Puss in Boots: You don’t exactly smell like a basket of roses.
Shrek: Well, one of these has got to help.
Puss in Boots: I was just concocting this very plan! Already our minds are becoming one.
Donkey: Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on licking ourselves, we’ll give you a call. Shrek, this is a bad idea.
Shrek: Look. Make yourself useful and go keep watch. Puss, do you think you could get to those on top?
Puss in Boots: No problema, boss. In one of my nine lives, I was the great cat burglar of Santiago de Compostela. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Donkey: Shrek, are you off your nut?
Shrek: Donkey, keep watch.
Donkey: Keep watch? Yeah, I’ll keep watch. I’ll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I’ll laugh, too. I’ll be giggling to myself.
Shrek: What do you see?
Puss in Boots: Toad Stool Softener?
Donkey: I’m sure a nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems.
Puss in Boots: Elfa Seltzer?
Shrek: Uh-uh.
Puss in Boots: Hex Lax?
Shrek: No! Try "handsome."
Puss in Boots: Sorry. No handsome. Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"?
Shrek: Well, what does it do?
Puss in Boots: It says "Beauty Divine."
Donkey: In some cultures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of all creatures. Especially us talking ones.
Shrek: [gasps] Donkey! That’ll have to do. We’ve got company.
Donkey: Can we get on with this?
Shrek: Hurry! Nice catch, Donkey!
Puss in Boots: [after Donkey catches the "Happily Ever After" potion in his mouth] Finally! A good use for your mouth.
[♪ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love]
Shrek: Come on!
You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt and I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you and that’s worse
Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love
In love with someone, ever fallen in love
In love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love
In love with someone, ever fallen in love
With someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with
Fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with
Fairy Godmother: I don’t care whose fault it is. Just get this place cleaned up! And somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate!
Prince Charming: Mother!
Fairy Godmother: Charming. Sweetheart. This isn’t a good time, pumpkin. Mama’s working.
Prince Charming: Whoa, what happened here?
Fairy Godmother: The ogre, that’s what!
Prince Charming: What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me!
Fairy Godmother: Oh, put it away, Junior! You’re still going to be king. We’ll just have to come up with something smarter.
Jerome: Pardon. Um… Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion.
Fairy Godmother: What? Oh… I do believe we can make this work to our advantage.
Shrek: "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. "If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. "Happiness, comfort and beauty divine."
Donkey: You both will be fine?
Shrek: I guess it means it’ll affect Fiona, too.
Donkey: Hey, man, this don’t feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o’ voodoo and let’s get out of here.
Shrek: It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sneezes]
Donkey: See, you’re allergic to that stuff. You’ll have a reaction. And if you think that I’ll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!
Puss in Boots: Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you.
Donkey: Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there’ll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle.
Shrek: How do you feel?
Donkey: I don’t feel any different. I look any different?
Puss in Boots: You still look like an **s to me.
Shrek: Maybe it doesn’t work on donkeys. Well, here’s to us, Fiona.
Donkey: Shrek? You drink that, there’s no going back.
Shrek: I know.
Donkey: No more wallowing in the mud?
Shrek: I know.
Donkey: No more itchy butt crack?
Shrek: I know!
Donkey: But you love being an ogre!
Shrek: I know! But I love Fiona more.
Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!
Shrek: [gurgling] [farts]
Donkey: Got to be… I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.
Puss in Boots: Maybe it’s a dud.
Shrek: Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be.
[thunder rumbles]
Donkey: Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die! Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy. I’m melting! I’m melting!
Shrek: It’s just the rain, Donkey.
Donkey: [chuckles] Oh. Don’t worry. Things seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
Puss in Boots: [hisses]
Donkey: lt’ll be better in the morning. You’ll see… The sun’ll come out… Tomorrow [yawns] Bet your bottom…
Shrek: Bet my bottom?
Donkey: I’m coming, Elizabeth!
Shrek: Donkey? Are you all right?
Puss in Boots: Hey, boss. Let’s shave him.
Shrek: D-Donkey?
[groans]
[Puss In Boots shrieks]
King Harold: There you are! We missed you at dinner.
Queen Lillian: What is it, darling?
Fiona: Dad… I’ve been thinking about what you said. And I’m going to set things right.
King Harold: Ah! Excellent! That’s my girl.
Fiona: It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I’m going to go out and find him. And then we’ll go back to the swamp where we belong.
Queen Lillian: Fiona, please!
King Harold: Let’s not be rash, darling. You can’t go anywhere right now.
[rain patters]
King Harold & Queen Lillian: Fiona!
Women: Look, I told you he was here. Look at him! Quiet. Look at him.
[Shrek groans]
Woman: Good morning, sleepyhead.
[Shrek shouts]
Women: Good morning!
Woman: We love your kitty!
Shrek: Oh… My head…
Woman: Here, I fetched a pail of water.
- Shrek: Thanks. Uhh! Aahh! Oh… [examines his new, human body] A cute, button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks?! I’m… I’m…
Woman: Gorgeous!
Woman: I’ll say.
Jill: I’m Jill. What’s your name?
Shrek: Um… Shrek.
Jill: Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe?
Women: You’re tense. I want to rub his shoulders. I got it covered. I don’t have anything to rub. Get in line. Get in line.
Shrek: Have you seen my donkey?
Donkey: Who are you calling donkey?
Shrek: Donkey? You’re a…
Donkey: A stallion, baby! I can whinny. [whinnies] I can count. Look at me, Shrek! I’m trotting! That’s some quality potion. What’s in that stuff?
Puss in Boots: "Oh, don’t take the potion, Mr. Boss, it’s very bad." Pah! "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. "Not intended for heart patients or those with… nervous disorders."
Donkey: I’m trotting, I’m trotting in place! Yeah! What?
Puss in Boots: Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love’s kiss by midnight."
Shrek: Midnight? Why is it always midnight?
Jill: Pick me! I’ll be your true love!
Woman 1: I’ll be your true love.
Woman 2: I’ll be true… enough.
Shrek: Look, ladies, I already have a true love.
Women: Oh…
Puss in Boots: And take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess.
Donkey: And let’s face it. You are a lot easier on the eyes. Inside you’re the same old mean, salty…
Shrek: Easy.
Donkey: …cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been.
Shrek: And you’re still the same annoying donkey.
Donkey: Yeah.
Shrek: [sighs] Well… Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me.
Donkey: First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes.
Women: [gasp]
Shrek: Ready?
Donkey: Ready!
[Donkey screams]
Man: Driver, stop!
Donkey: Oh, God! Help me, please! My racing days are over! I’m blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever play the violin again?
Man: You poor creature! Is there anything I can do for you?
Donkey: Well, I guess there is one thing.
Puss in Boots: Take off the powdered wig and step away from your drawers. Not bad.
Donkey: Not bad at all.
[both laugh]
Young Man: Father? Is everything all right, Father?
- Shrek: [after robbing two men of their clothes] Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can't find you or if I forget.
Donkey: [whinnies]
- [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish]
[♪ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]
Oh, yeah
Turn and face the strange
Ch-Ch-Changes
Don’t wanna be a richer one
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-Ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
Shrek: Halt! Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her.
Still don’t know what I was looking for
And my time was running wild, a million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
- Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Fiona: [screams]
Turn and face the strange
Fiona: Shrek?
- Ch-Ch-Changes
Don’t wanna be a richer one
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
Shrek: Fiona?
Fairy Godmother: Hello, handsome.
Fiona: Shrek!
Donkey: Princess!
Fiona: Donkey?
Donkey: Wow! That potion worked on you, too?
Fiona: What potion?
Donkey: Shrek and I took some magic potion. And well… Now, we’re sexy!
Fiona: Shrek?
Puss in Boots: [purrs] For you, baby… I could be. Yeah, you wish.
Fiona: Donkey, where is Shrek?
Donkey: He went inside looking for you.
Fiona: Shrek?
Shrek: Fiona! Fiona!
Furniture: You want to dance, pretty boy?
Fairy Godmother: Are you going so soon? Don’t you want to see your wife?
Prince Charming: Fiona?
Fiona: Shrek?
Prince Charming: Aye, Fiona. It is me.
Fiona: What happened to your voice?
Prince Charming: The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you.
Queen Lillian: Fiona?
King Harold: Charming?
Prince Charming: Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you’d approve.
Queen Lillian: Um… Who are you?
Prince Charming: Mom, it’s me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think?
Shrek: Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! Fiona!
Fairy Godmother: Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don’t think they can hear us, pigeon.
Shrek: [sighs deeply]
Fairy Godmother: Don’t you think you’ve already messed her life up enough?
Shrek: I just wanted her to be happy.
Fairy Godmother: And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She’s finally found the prince of her dreams.
Shrek: But look at me. Look what I’ve done for her.
Fairy Godmother: It’s time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She’s a princess, and you’re an ogre. That’s something no amount of potion will ever change.
Shrek: But… I love her.
Fairy Godmother: If you really love her… you’ll let her go.
[♪ Nick Cave: People Ain’t No Good]
Donkey: Shrek?
Puss in Boots: Señor.
Donkey: What’s going on? Where are you going?
Queen Lillian: You wouldn’t have had anything to do with this, would you, Harold?
Captain Hook: People just ain’t no good
I think that’s well understood
Doris: There you go, boys.
Puss in Boots: Just leave the bottle, Doris.
Doris: Hey. Why the long face?
Shrek: It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place.
Puss in Boots: I hate Mondays.
Donkey: I can’t believe you’d walk away from the best thing that happened to you.
Shrek: What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming.
Come on. Is he really that good-looking?
Doris: Are you kidding? He’s gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels.
Puss in Boots: Oh. He sounds dreamy.
Shrek: You know… shockingly, this isn’t making me feel any better. Look, guys. It’s for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she’s always dreamed of. Everybody wins.
Donkey: Except for you. I don’t get it, Shrek. You love Fiona.
Shrek: Aye. And that’s why I have to let her go.
King Harold: Excuse me, is she here?
Doris: She’s, uh… in the back.
King Harold: Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming.
Fairy Godmother: You’d better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.
King Harold: Well, I’m afraid Fiona isn’t really… warming up to Prince Charming.
Prince Charming: FYI, not my fault.
Fairy Godmother: No, of course it’s not, dear.
Prince Charming: I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I’m that dreadful ogre?
King Harold: No, no, it’s nobody’s fault. Perhaps it’s best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
Fairy Godmother & Prince Charming: What?
King Harold: You can’t force someone to fall in love!
Fairy Godmother: I beg to differ. I do it all the time! Have Fiona drink this and she’ll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
King Harold: Umm… no.
Fairy Godmother: What did you say?
King Harold: I can’t. I won’t do it.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it?
King Harold: No.
Fairy Godmother: Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming’s hair before the ball. He’s hopeless. He’s all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back.
Prince Charming: Oh. Thank you, Mother.
Donkey: Mother?
Shrek: Um… Mary! A talking horse!
Fairy Godmother: The ogre! Stop them! Thieves! Bandits! Stop them!
Male Announcer: The abs are fab and it’s gluteus to the maximus here at tonight’s Far, Far Away Royal Ball blowout! The coaches are lined up as the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffet’s curds and whey.
Female Announcer: Everyone who’s anyone has turned out to honor Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. And, oh my, the outfits look gorgeous! Look! Hansel and Gretel! What the heck are the crumbs for? And right behind them, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina! Oh, aren’t they adorable!
- [screaming]
Female Announcer: Here comes Sleeping Beauty! Tired old thing. Who’s this? Who’s this? Who is this? Oh. It’s the one, it’s the only… It’s the Fairy Godmother!
Fairy Godmother: Hello, Far, Far Away! Can I get a whoop whoop? May all your endings be happy and… Well, you know the rest!
Magic Mirror: We’ll be right back with the Royal Far, Far Away Ball after these messages.
Gingerbread Man: I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears. Flip over to Wheel Of Torture!
Pinocchio: I’m not flipping anywhere, sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.
Gingerbread Man: Whizzes on you guys. Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing! No, to your left. Your left!
Male Announcer: Tonight on "Knights"…
Gingerbread Man: Now here’s a good show!
Knight 1: We got a white bronco heading east into the forest. Requesting backup.
Knight 2: It’s time to teach these madcap mammals their "devil may mare" attitudes just won’t fly.
Shrek & Donkey: Why you grabbing me?
Donkey: Police brutality!
Shrek: I have to talk to Princess Fiona!
Knight: We warned you!
Shrek: Ow! Ow!
Knight: Wanna get away with it? Or did someone let the cat out of the bag?
Puss in Boots: You capitalist pig dogs! [shrieks]
Knight: Catnip.
Puss in Boots: That’s, uh, not mine.
Shrek: Find Princess Fiona!
Donkey: I’m a donkey!
Shrek: Tell her Shrek… I’m her husband, Shrek! Ow! Ow!
Male Announcer: (as the title comes up) Tonight on Knights!
Gingerbread Man: Quick! Rewind it!
Shrek: Shrek... I’m her husband, Shrek! Ow! Ow!
[knock on door]
King Harold: Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball?
Fiona: I’m not going.
King Harold: The whole Kingdom’s turned out to celebrate your marriage.
Fiona: There’s just one problem. That’s not my husband. I mean, look at him.
King Harold: Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You’d be surprised how much I changed for your mother.
Fiona: Change? He’s completely lost his mind!
King Harold: Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek.
Fiona: But it’s the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I’d give anything to have him back.
King Harold: Darling. That’s mine. Decaf. Otherwise I’m up all night.
Fiona: Thanks.
Donkey: I gotta get out of here! You can’t lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You’re supposed to say, I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek: Donkey, You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
Puss in Boots: I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
Pinocchio: Shrek? Donkey?
Puss in Boots: Too late.
Shrek: Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here!
Blind Mouse: Oh…
[♪ Theme from Mission Impossible]
Pig: Fire in ze hole!
[explosion, rumbling]
Gingy: Look out below!
Shrek: Quick! Tell a lie!
Pinnochio: What should I say?
Gingy: Anything, but quick!
Donkey: Say something crazy like "I’m wearing ladies’ underwear!"
Pinnochio: I am wearing ladies’ underwear.
Shrek: Are you?
Pinnochio: I most certainly am not!
Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!
Pinnochio: I am not!
Puss in Boots: What kind?
- Gingy: It’s a thong!
- Pinocchio: Oww! They’re briefs!
- Gingy: Are not.
Pinnochio: Are too!
Gingy: Are not!
Pinnochio: Are too!
Gingy: Here we go. Hang tight.
Donkey: Wait, wait, wait! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! Ow!
Puss in Boots: Excuse me?
Shrek: What? Puss!
Blind Mouse: Pardon me, would you mind letting me go?
Puss in Boots: Sorry, boss.
Shrek: Quit messing around! We’ve got to stop that kiss!
Donkey: I thought you was going to let her go.
Shrek: I was, but I can’t let them do this to Fiona.
Donkey: Boom! That’s what I like to hear. Look who’s coming around!
Puss in Boots: It’s impossible! We’ll never get in. The castle’s guarded. There’s a moat and everything!
Gingy: Well, folks, it looks like we’re up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. What?
Shrek: Do you still know the Muffin Man?
Gingy: Well, sure! He’s down on Drury Lane. Why?
Shrek: Because we’re gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour.
Muffin Man: Gingy!
Gingy: Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We’ve got a big order to fill!
Mongo: [evil chuckle]
Gingy: It’s alive!
[rattling]
[gasping]
Donkey: [whinnies] Run, run, run, as fast you can!
[screaming]
Gingy: Go, baby, go!
Shrek: There it is, Mongo! To the castle! No, no no no no no, you great stupid pastry! Come on!
[all shout]
Donkey: Mongo! Down here! Look at the pony! That’s right! Follow the pretty pony! Pretty pony wants to play at the castle!
Mongo: Pretty pony.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek.
[applause, cheering]
Fiona: Shrek, what are you doing?
Prince Charming: I’m just playing the part, Fiona.
Fiona: Is that glitter on your lips?
Prince Charming: Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste?
Fiona: Ugh! What is with you?
Prince Charming: But, Muffin Cake…
[piano plays]
Fairy Godmother: C Minor, put it in C Minor. Ladies and gentlemen.
[applause, cheering]
Fairy Godmother: I’d like to dedicate this song to… Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek.
Prince Charming: Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance?
Fairy Godmother: Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
[all chant] Dance!
Fairy Godmother: Where’s the streetwise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Fiona: Since when do you dance?
Prince Charming: Fiona, my dearest, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that love is full of surprises.
Fairy Godmother: Late at night I toss and I turn
And I dream of what I need
Hit it! I need a hero
Shrek: All right, big fella! Let’s crash this party!
Knight: Man the catapults! Aim! Fire!
Shrek: Brace yourselves!
Mongo: Ooh! Purty! [groaning]
Gingy: Not the gumdrop button!
Mongo: [enraged howling]
Knight: Incoming!
Donkey: Ha-ha! All right!
Fairy Godmother: Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy
Shrek: Go, Mongo! Go!
Knight: Man the cauldrons!
Shrek: After you, Mongo. That’s it! Heave-ho! Watch out!
Donkey: Shrek!
Knight: More heat, less foam!
Fairy Godmother: Up where the mountains Meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning Splits the sea
I could swear there is someone Somewhere watching me
Shrek: Heave! Ho!
Gingy: [Slow-otion] No…!
[Mongo groans]
Shrek: [whistles] Come on!
[cheering]
Gingy: Look out!
Mongo: Be good.
Gingy: [weeping bitterly] [sobbing] He needs me! Let me go!
Shrek: Donkey! Puss!
Puss in Boots: Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! Today, I repay my debt.
Knights: Aww…
Puss in Boots: [growling] On guard!
Fairy Godmother: He’s gotta be strong And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh From the fight
I need a hero
Shrek: Stop!
[Donkey whinnies]
- Shrek: Hey, you! Back away from my wife.
- Fiona: Shrek?
Fairy Godmother: You couldn’t just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. - Shrek: Now!
- Three Little Pigs: Pigs und blanket!
- Shrek: Pinocchio! Get the wand!
- Pig #1 I see London! I see France!
- Pinocchio: Waaaahhh! I’m a real boy!
- Pig #1: Catch!
- Gingerbread Man: Donkey!
- Pinocchio: I’m a real boy.
- Fairy Godmother: That’s mine! That’s mine!
- Donkey: Pray for mercy, from Puss…
- Puss: And Donkey!
- Fairy Godmother: She’s taken the potion! Kiss her now!
- Shrek: No!
Fiona: Hi-ya!
- [crowd gasp]
Shrek: Fiona.
Fiona: Shrek.
Fairy Godmother: Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion!
King Harold: Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea.
Prince Charming: Mommy!
Fiona: Mommy?
Fairy Godmother: [about to zap Shrek with her wand] [growls] I told you. Ogres don’t live happily ever after!
Queen Lillian: Harold! No!
King Harold: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Fairy Godmother: Woo! Ha!
[breathes deeply]
Fiona: [gasping] Oh, Dad! [sobbing]
Pinnochio: Is he…?
Gingy: Yup.
[croaking]
Gingy: He croaked.
Fiona: Harold?
Fiona: Dad?
King Harold: I’d hoped you’d never see me like this.
Donkey: And he gave you a hard time!
Shrek: Donkey!
King Harold: No, no, he’s right. I’m sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now… she already has it. Shrek, Fiona… Will you accept an old frog’s apologies… and my blessing?
Queen Lilian: Harold?
King Harold: I’m sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve.
Queen Lilian: You’re more that man today than you ever were… warts and all.
King Harold: [ribbits]
[clock chimes]
- Puss: Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion!
- Shrek: Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever?
Fiona: What?
Shrek: Because if you kiss me now… we can stay like this.
Fiona: You’d do that? For me?
Shrek: Yes.
Fiona: I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after… with the ogre I married.
Puss in Boots: Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry!
[sobbing]
[clock chimes]
Donkey: Whoa! No. No, no. Aaah! Ow. Oh, no. [sighs]
Shrek: [laughs] Hey. You still look like a noble steed to me.
Fiona: [giggles] Now, where were we?
Shrek: Oh. I remember.
Fiona: [giggling]
[applause]
Puss in Boots: Hey! Isn’t we supposed to be having a fiesta?
Donkey: Uno, dos, quatro, hit it!
[♪ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas: Livin’ La Vida Loca]
Donkey: Puss and Donkey, y’all…
She’s into superstitions
Black cats and voodoo dolls
- Sing it, Puss!
- I feel a premonition
That girl’s gonna make me fall
Donkey: Here we go!
Puss in Boots: She’s into new sensations
Puss in Boots & Donkey: New kicks in the candlelight
She’s got a new addiction
For every day and night
She’ll make you take your clothes off
And go dancing in the rain
She’ll make you live her crazy life
But she’ll take away your pain
Like a bullet to your brain
Fairytale Creatures: Upside inside out
Donkey & Puss in Boots: Living la vida loca
Doris: Hey gorgeous!
Mongo: Living la vida loca
Donkey: Her lips are devil red
And her skin’s the color of mocha
Puss in Boots & Donkey: She will wear you out
- Living la vida loca
Donkey: She livin’ it loca!
Puss in Boots: Living la vida loca
Donkey: Say it one more time now!
Puss in Boots: Living the vida loca
[Puss in Boots jamming]
Puss in Boots: Hey, Donkey, that’s Spanish!
Donkey: Break it down!
Donkey & Puss in Boots: She’ll push and pull you down
Living la vida loca
She will wear you out
Living la vida loca
Living la vida loca
She’ll push and pull you down
Living the vida loca
Her lips are devil red
And her skin’s the color of mocha
She will wear you out
Living la vida loca
Living la vida loca
Living la vida loca
Donkey: Say it one more time now
Everyone: Living la vida loca
(Song ends)
- Donkey: All by myself
- Don’t wanna be all by myself anymore…
- Puss: Amigo, we are off to the Kit-Kat Club. Come on, join us.
- Donkey: Thanks, compadre. I’m… I’m not in the mood.
- Puss: We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro!
[roaring]
- Donkey: Hey, baby! Hey, that’s my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been?
- [cries]
- Donkey: I’m sorry, too. I should’ve stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious?
Dronkeys: [cooing]
- [gasping]
Dronkeys: Papa!
- [screaming]
Dronkeys: [cooing, squealing] - [chuckling]
- Donkey: Look at our little mutant babies! I got to get a job.