Transcript[]
INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT
[A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a forest. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane.]
Prince Charming: Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming.
Lightning. Thunder booms. As we pull back we see that Charming is actually on a stage and is straddling a wooden hobby horse while galloping in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming’s face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience.
Gingy: This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre.
Pinocchio: Me too.
[Pinocchio’s nose grows as he is caught in the lie.]Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower.
PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey!
He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose.A Princess leans from a tower window.
ACTRESS: Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith.
Prince Charming puffs his chest out.
PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King.
An old couple at a table look confused.
OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say?
Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him.
A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage.
OGRE Grrrrrrr!
The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer.
FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!!
GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek!
At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster.
PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!
He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake.
WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee.
PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind?
Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade.
GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3.
The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple.
PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast-
Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes.
The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses’ window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience.
PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you’ll be sorry.
HECKLER (O.S.) We already are!
They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits.
OGRE Grrrrrrr!
The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage.
INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it.
EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater.
Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries.
He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don’t stop believing! Mommy’s Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4.
PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy.
He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face.
PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you’re right. I can’t let this happen. I can’t.
Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high.
PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne!
A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D) And this time, no one will stand in my way!
In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd.
Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists.
EXT. CASTLE - MORNING
The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing.
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up.
SHREK Good morning.
FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh… morning breath… Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5.
Shrek breathes in and smiles.
SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn’t it wonderful?
The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.
DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!"
Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused.
Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin’ in the Rain as he enters the room.
DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you!
The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path.
DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast.
[Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys.]
INT. KING’S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King’s bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing.
KING HAROLD: I’m dying. [Inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King’s aid and he settles down.]
QUEEN LILLIAN: Harold.
KING HAROLD Don’t forget to pay the gardener, Lillian.
The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.
QUEEN Of course darling.
The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.
KING HAROLD Fiona…
FIONA Yes Daddy?
KING HAROLD I know I’ve made many mistakes with you.
FIONA It’s okay.
KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much.
Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.
KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son.
SHREK And I’m proud to call you my Frog… King Dad in-law.
Shrek smiles.
KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo… [starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. Everyone else thinks he’s dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat.
PUSS The Frog King is dead.
Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.
DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool.
KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither.
Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.
SHREK Yeah, Dad?
KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne.
SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that’s why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you’re still making jokes. [The King stares at him, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer.] Oh, come on Dad…an Ogre as King? I don’t think that’s such a good idea. There’s got to be somebody else. Anybody?
KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir.
Shrek brightens.
SHREK Really!? Who is he, Dad?
KING HAROLD His name is… is… is…
SHREK What’s his name? What’s his name?!
KING HAROLD …is …
Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate.
FIONA Daddy!
[The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.]
KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur.
SHREK Arthur?
KING HAROLD: (COUGH) I know you’ll do what’s… (EXHALING) riiiight… He succumbs. The King really is dead now.
QUEEN Harold?
SHREK: Dad? Dad! Dad?
DONKEY [bows his head] Do your thing, man.
SHREK
Not fast enough.
Puss leaps onto the bed.
PUSS
Okay. You have a very full day
filling in for the King and Queen.
There are several functions that
require your attendance, sir.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6.
SHREK
Great! Let’s get started.
Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and
starts to snore.
DONKEY
C’mon, lazy bones, time to get
movin’!
Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is
surprised to see Shrek’s bare legs.
DONKEY
Aaahhh! You know you really need
to get yourself a pair of jammies.
Shrek sighs.
CUT TO:
INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY
The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song
"Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the
title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed.
A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek
walks down the aisle of the church.
Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous.
Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn’t have any idea
what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks at Puss, who
indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek
starts to knight the knight.
SHREK
I knight thee…
Shrek accidentally stabs the knight.
SHREK
He-he. Ooh.
The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7.
EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY
Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal
Navy.
Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the
boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws
the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the
side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks.
Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their
heads as they leave.
CUT TO:
INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around
Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of
them.
DONKEY
Well, since you’re filling in for
one, you might as well look like a
real King. Can somebody come in
here and work on Shrek please?
Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow.
RAUL
(AHEM)
I will see what I can do.
He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools.
Suddenly Shrek’s arms and legs are strapped into a chair.
A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip
cord as if he’s holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He
turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind
away at Shrek’s gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes.
We see a close-up of Shrek’s eye. A mascara brush comes into
frame and pulls at Shrek’s eyelash.
Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.
FIONA
Ow!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8.
Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to
reveal that the lips are Shrek’s.
A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek’s back. It keeps
snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and
tighten up the zipper all the way.
A small sock is placed onto Shrek’s foot. With a shoe horn,
Shrek’s foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP!
A collar is placed around Fiona’s neck and her corset is
tightened.
A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek’s
belt. A mole is placed on his cheek.
INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous
Renaissance outfits.
Donkey gasps.
DONKEY
Oh!
Puss rolls his eyes.
PUSS
Yeah, wow.
Fiona is uncomfortable.
FIONA
Uh, is this really necessary?
RAUL
(TO SHREK)
Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
SHREK
I’m Shrek, you twit.
RAUL
Whatever.
PUSS
Okay peoples! This isn’t a
rehearsal. Let’s see some hustle.
DONKEY
Smiles everyone, smiles!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9.
Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples
arriving at the party.
Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood.
SHREK
I don’t know how much longer I can
keep this up Fiona.
FIONA
I’m sorry Shrek, but can you please
just try to grin and bear it? It’s
just until Dad gets better.
Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh.
FIONA
Shrek?
SHREK
Yeah.
FIONA
You look handsome.
SHREK
Ah. Come here, you.
She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles
back.
Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but
their bulky outfits prevent it.
Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air.
SHREK
Oh, my butt is itching up a storm
and I can’t reach it in this monkey
suit!
Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail.
SHREK
Oh.
(WHISTLE)
Hey you. Come here!
A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek.
SHREK
What’s your name?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10.
FIDDLESWORTH
Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
SHREK
Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect.
INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS
The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ladies and gentlemen, Princess
Fiona and Sir Shrek!
The audience claps. The curtain starts to open.
Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek’s butt.
SHREK
You’ve done it. Oh, a little over
to the left, yeah. That’s great.
FIONA
Uh Shrek?
Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek’s itch. The crowd
looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention.
SHREK
Ahh! All right, you got it…Oh
yeah, you’re on it. Oh that’s it!
Oh that’s good!
FIONA
Shrek…
SHREK
Oh yeah! Scratch that thing! You
got it. You’re on it. That’s
great!
FIONA
SHREK!
Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both
freeze. Shrek laughs nervously.
Suddenly Shrek’s belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the
eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming.
DONKEY
Ow!! My eye! My eye!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11.
As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd.
WOMAN
What are you doing?
The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a
guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the
axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The
axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona
maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the
vase which causes Fiona to fall over.
Shrek’s tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding
Shrek’s pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his
pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona.
SHREK
Fiona!
He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the
stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying
through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole,
trapping him.
FIDDLESWORTH
Uhhh…
(WHIMPER)
Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor.
SHREK
Are you okay?
FIONA
Yeah. I’m fine.
Fiona’s eyes suddenly widen.
Fiddlesworth’s jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter
carrying flaming skewers.
FIDDLESWORTH
Ahhhh!
The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame
with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and
land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of
the skewers out and takes a bite.
DONKEY
Oh! Shrimp! My favorite.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12.
The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden
ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half.
The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables
slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.
CRASH! BANG!
CUT TO BLACK:
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The door to Fiona’s room flies open.
SHREK
That’s it! We’re leaving!
Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face.
FIONA
Honey, please calm down…
Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside.
SHREK
Calm down? Who do you think we’re
kidding? I am an ogre! I’m not cut
out for this, Fiona and I never
will be.
Shrek wipes off his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings
his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to
Donkey.
DONKEY
I think that went pretty well.
Shrek startles.
SHREK
Donkey!
Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door.
DONKEY
Aww, come on now Shrek!
Shrek slams the door shut.
Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on
his pillow.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13.
PUSS
Some people just don’t understand
boundaries.
Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him
outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the
ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the
blinds.
Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries
to calm him down.
FIONA
Just think… a couple more days,
and we’ll be back home in our
vermin-filled shack, strewn with
fungus, filled with the rotting
stench of mud and neglect.
This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath
and exhales. He smiles.
SHREK
Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled."
FIONA
And, uh… maybe even the pitter-
patter of little feet on the
floor…?
SHREK
(LAUGHS)
That’s right. The swamp rats will
be spawning.
FIONA
Uh, no… you know, what I was
thinking of is a little bit bigger
than a swamp rat.
SHREK
Donkey?
FIONA
No, Shrek. Um… what if -
THEORETICALLY -
SHREK
Yeah?
FIONA
They were little ogre feet?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14.
SHREK
Oh.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed.
He slowly emerges from behind the bed.
SHREK
Honey? Let’s try and be rational
about this. Have you seen a baby
lately? They just eat and poop and
they cry and then they cry when
they poop and they poop when they
cry…Now, imagine an ogre baby.
They extra cry and they extra poop.
FIONA
Shrek.
She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes.
FIONA
Don’t you ever think about having a
family?
Shrek takes her hand.
SHREK
Right now, you’re my family.
There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open,
revealing a Royal Page.
Shrek springs up.
SHREK
Well, somebody better be dying.
CUT TO:
COLIN/TIM
I'm not going anywhere.
Neither am I.
Puss takes his hat off.
Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King’s
request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock.
We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey
to let the King’s passing sink in.
DISSOLVE TO:
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18.
EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up
the shops on Rodeo Drive.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the
flag is lowered to half-masked.
EXT. POND - LATER
Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen,
and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered
for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde
Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out
into the water.
An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily
pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing
"Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the
Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly.
Shrek puts his arm around Fiona.
The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse.
Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen
sadly gazes at the pond.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on
horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his
hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and
rides off.
CUT TO:
EXT. POISONED APPLE BAR - NIGHT
Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19.
INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS
Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the
top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns
and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans
over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a
microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing
"I’ve Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson.
The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two
pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master
takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch
of empty beer mugs.
Prince Charming enters the bar.
A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval
mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and
the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming.
Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera
adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the
Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes
notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding
Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves
glare in Prince Charming’s direction. Prince Charming walks
by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White)
playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and
the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman’s neck.
Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the
bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool,
and sits.
Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He
clears his throat.
PRINCE CHARMING
What does a Prince have to do to
get a drink around here?
Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster
with a smiling beer wench.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly
stepsister I’ll never know.
He winks at her. She glares at him.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where’s Doris, taking the night
off?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20.
MABEL
She’s not welcome here and neither
are you.
She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel.
MABEL (CONT’D)
What do you want, Charming?
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh not much, just a chance at
redemption…
(LAUGHS)
And a Fuzzy Navel.
Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons.
PRINCE CHARMING
And Fuzzy Navels for all my
friends!
Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The
singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool
cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug.
CAPTAIN HOOK
We’re not your friends.
Prince Charming grows nervous.
The Villains all approach Prince Charming.
From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his
shoulders and pins him on top of the bar.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ahh!
Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming’s neck.
CAPTAIN HOOK
You don’t belong here.
PRINCE CHARMING
You’re right; oh, I mean you’re
absolutely right, but I mean, do
any of us?
CYCLOPS
Do a number on his face!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21.
PRINCE CHARMING
No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are
more alike than you think.
Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen.
PRINCE CHARMING
Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves
saved Snow White and then what
happened?
EVIL QUEEN
Oh, what’s it to you?
PRINCE CHARMING
They left you the un-fairest of
them all. And now here you are,
hustling pool to get your next
meal. How does that feel?
EVIL QUEEN
Pretty unfair.
Prince Charming begins to work the crowd.
PRINCE CHARMING
And you? Your star puppet abandons
the show to go and find his father.
PUPPET MASTER
I hate that little wooden puppet.
Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook.
PRINCE CHARMING
And Hook…
Prince Charming looks down at the hook.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
… Need I say more?
Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage.
PRINCE CHARMING
And you! Frumpypigskin.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Rumplestiltskin.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where’s that first-born you were
promised, hey?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22.
Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm.
Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel.
PRINCE CHARMING
Mabel, remember how you couldn’t
get your little fat foot into that
tiny glass slipper?
Mabel sighs.
PRINCE CHARMING
Cinderella is in Far Far Away right
now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting
with every little last Fairy-tale
Creature that has ever done you
wrong.
Prince Charming now has everyone’s attention.
PRINCE CHARMING
Once upon a time, someone decided
that we were the losers. But there
are two sides to every story. And
our side has not been told.
The crowd listens, rapt.
PRINCE CHARMING
So who will join me? Who wants to
come out on top for once? Who
wants their happily ever after?!
The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar
room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He
ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles
nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOCKS - DUSK
The camera booms down from the lighthouse.
BLIND MOUSE #1
This way gents.
The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps
to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have
gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they
set off to retrieve Arthur.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23.
On the docks two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans
over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat.
PUSS
It’s out of my hands senorita, the
winds of fate have blown on my
destiny. But I will never forget
you. You are the love of my life.
Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss.
PUSS (CONT’D)
As are you…
Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching
Puss.
PUSS (CONT’D)
And you.
Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage
in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs
away from them and into another.
PUSS (CONT’D)
And, uh… hi. I don’t know you,
but I’d like to. I gotta go.
Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to
Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets
out a soft wail.
DONKEY
I know, I know… I don’t want to
leave you either baby, but you know
how Shrek is. The dude’s lost
without me.
She gives him an understanding smile.
DONKEY
But don’t worry. I’ll send you
airmail kisses everyday!
He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his
children, holding back tears.
DONKEY
Alright, be strong babies! Be
strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you
listen to Mama, alright? And
Bananas, no more roastin’
marshmallows on your sister’s head.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24.
Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze.
DONKEY
Ah, that’s my special boy. Oh,
come over here, all of you. Give
your Daddy a big hug!
The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy.
The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey
and the others.
Fiona nervously takes in a breath.
FIONA
Shrek, maybe you should just stay
and be King.
SHREK
Oh, c’mon, there’s no way I could
ever run a kingdom. That’s why your
cousin Arthur’s the perfect choice.
FIONA
It’s not that. No. It’s, you
see…
SHREK (CONT’D)
And if he gives me any trouble,
I’ve always got persuasion and
reason.
(holds up his right fist)
Here’s persuasion,
(holds up his left fist)
and here’s reason.
Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her.
SHREK
Fiona, soon it’s just gonna be you
and me and our swamp.
FIONA
(HESITANT)
It’s not going to be just you and
me.
The ship’s fog horn sounds.
SHIP CAPTAIN
All aboard!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25.
SHREK
It will be. I promise. I love
you.
He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat.
He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II
The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You
Daddy" with smoke in the sky.
FAIRYTALE CREATURES
Awwwwwwwww!
PIG #1
That’s lovely.
Donkey waves to his kids, sobs.
DONKEY
Bye bye babies!
Fiona runs after the boat.
FIONA
Shrek!
Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her.
SHREK
Yeah?
FIONA
Wait!
SHREK
What is it?
She smiles and takes a deep breath.
FIONA
I’m, I’m-
The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek
smiles back at her.
SHREK
(LAUGHS)
I love you too honey!
FIONA
No… No, I said I’m pr-
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26.
The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn
and throws it overboard.
SHREK
You’re what?!
FIONA
I said I’m pregnant!
The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer.
SHREK
(doesn’t want to believe
HIS EARS)
Uh… what was that?
FIONA
You’re going to be a father!
SHREK
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
That’s great.
FIONA
Really? I’m glad you think so! I
love you.
Shrek smiles back at Fiona.
SHREK
Yeah…
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Me too… you…
Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder.
Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.
DONKEY
I’m gonna be an Uncle. I’m gonna
be an Uncle! I’m gonna be an
Uncle!
PUSS
Oh, and you my friend are royally--
The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the
fog.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27.
EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT
The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep
as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself.
Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door.
SHREK
Ahhh. Home.
He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right
outside of Shrek’s swamp house.
He leaps off the boat.
SHREK
Woohoo!
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air.
SHREK
Ahh.
He skips and dances happily toward his house.
FIONA (O.S.)
Shrek!?
SHREK
Ooo.
(LAUGHS)
INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed,
presenting himself.
SHREK
Fiona!
After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that
Fiona is not there.
SHREK
Fiona?
He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed
behind him.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28.
A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns
slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket.
Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling
innocently at him.
SHREK
Huh? Oh no.
The baby burps.
SHREK
(AMUSED)
Better out than in, I always say.
Ha ha!
OGRE BABY
Hiccup!
This time the baby’s burp turns into projectile vomit aimed
directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the
vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but
eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek.
The baby looks like it’s about to cry. Shrek raises his
hands.
SHREK
No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha.
It’s okay. It’s gonna be alright.
Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds
it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes
that his house is filled with babies.
OGRE BABY
Da-Da!
Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off
his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies
onto Shrek’s head. A standing lamp with a baby on top falls,
and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the
tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him.
Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One
of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs
over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a
baby out of the cauldron.
SHREK
Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya?
No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No.
Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf.
Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs
through the room picking up babies.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29.
INT. SHREK’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides
open the curtain to his bedroom.
SHREK
Huh?
He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The
baby shrugs.
OGRE BABY
Bubabatoo?
Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around.
Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace.
First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow.
Hundreds of them start piling in.
Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he
runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He
keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind.
INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS
Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it
shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet.
He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his
high school.
Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The
audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera
pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS
Shrek’s eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose
himself.
SHREK
Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake-
up!
Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre
faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in,
Donkey’s eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30.
DONKEY
(with ogre baby head)
Da-da!
A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and
Puss wake up.
SHREK
Ahhhh!
He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself.
DONKEY
Shrek. Shrek, are you okay?
SHREK
Oh… I can’t believe I’m going to
be a father.
Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to
the ship’s railing.
SHREK
How did this happen?
PUSS
Allow me to explain. You see, when
a man has certain feelings for a
woman, a powerful urge sweeps over
him…
SHREK
I know how it happened. I just
can’t believe it.
Shrek walks away.
Donkey leans over to Puss.
DONKEY
How does it happen?
Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey.
CUT TO:
Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the
distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend.
DONKEY
(SINGING)
And the cat’s in the cradle and the
silver spoon,
(MORE)
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
Little boy blue and the man in the
moon.
Shrek rolls his eyes.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
"When you coming home, son?" "I
don’t know when,
But we’ll get together then, Dad-"
Shrek cuts Donkey off.
SHREK
Donkey, can you just cut to the
part where you’re supposed to make
me feel better?
Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing
and whispers into Shrek’s other ear.
PUSS
You know I love Fiona, Boss.
Right?
(CONFIDENTIALLY)
But what I’m talking about here is
you, me, my cousin’s boat, an ice-
cold pitcher of mojitos, and two
weeks of nothing but fishing.
Puss makes a "let’s go fishing" gesture by casting an
imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to
whisper in Shrek’s other ear.
DONKEY
Man, don’t you listen to him.
Having a baby is not going to ruin
your life.
SHREK
It’s not my life I’m worried about
ruining. It’s the kid’s.
Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants.
SHREK
I mean…when have you ever heard
the phrase "as sweet as an…ogre"
or "as nurturing as…an ogre" Or
how `bout…"you’re gonna’ love my
dad…he’s a real ogre."
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32.
DONKEY
Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said
it was going to be easy. But at
least you got us to help you out.
SHREK
That’s true.
He thinks for a moment.
SHREK
I’m doomed.
DONKEY
You’ll be fine.
SHIP CAPTAIN
You’re finished.
Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat.
SHIP CAPTAIN
Uh, with your journey.
He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a
nearby bluff.
CUT TO:
EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY
Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.
Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance.
DONKEY
Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that
sounds fancy.
SHREK
It’s Worcestershire.
DONKEY
Like the sauce!? Mmmm… It’s
spicy!
The drawbridge to the castle lowers.
DONKEY
Oohh! They must be expecting us.
They start over the drawbridge.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33.
A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump
out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids
on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek.
DONKEY
What in the shista-shire kind of
place is this?
Shrek suddenly looks concerned.
SHREK
Well, my stomach aches and my palms
just got sweaty. Must be a high
school.
DONKEY
High school?!
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
A group of cheerleaders practice.
CHEERLEADERS
Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou
headed, to the top? Yeah we think
so, we think so! And dost thou
thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay
we thinks not! We thinks not!
Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as
he walks through the courtyard.
FEMALE STUDENT #1
Ahhhhh!
The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where
a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked.
A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution -
Student Driver."
DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR
All right Mr. Percival, just ease
up on the regins...
The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen.
Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage.
VAN STUDENT
(cough, cough)
For lo bro, don’t burn all my
frankincense and myrrh.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34.
DONKEY
I’m already starting to feel
nauseous from memories of wedgies
and swirlies!
PUSS
But how did you receive the wedgies
when you are clearly not the wearer
of the underpants?
DONKEY
Let’s just say some things are
better left unsaid and leave it at
that.
He notices two female students discussing their love lives.
GUINEVERRE
So then I was all like "I’d rather
get the black plague and lock
myself in an iron maiden than go
out with you."
TIFFANY
Eh, totally.
Shrek approaches them.
SHREK
Pardon me…
They flee in terror.
GUINEVERRE
Eh! Totally ew-th!
TIFFANY
Yeah, totally!
A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board
game.
GARY
Yes! I just altered my character
level to plus three superbability.
SHREK
Hi, we’re looking for someone named-
GARY
Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork"
spell and summoned the beast and
his quadrupeds.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35.
XAVIER
Ha! Ha!
(SNORT)
Ah!
The students panics when his nose starts to bleed.
SHREK
I know you’re busy "not fitting in"
but can either of you tell me where
I can find Arthur?
While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points
towards the athletic field.
GARY
He’s over there.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS
In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed.
He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge.
Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the
charge. It’s an exciting back and forth.
Hooves pound on sand.
The Knight’s eyes steady.
The horse rears majestically.
The opponent’s eyes widen in fear.
The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and
lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey.
Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his
helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys
his victory.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste
on thy tongue than victory!
JOCKS
Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
Shrek turns to Puss.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36.
SHREK
Strong, handsome, face of a leader.
Does Arthur look like a King or
what?
Shrek steps forward.
TEENAGER (ARTIE)
Ow.
Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of
LANCELOT’s opponent. Shrek steps back.
SHREK
Oh. Sorry.
The kid doesn’t budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out
where he hit the ground.
TEENAGER (ARTIE)
Did you just say you were looking
for Arthur?
Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around.
PUSS
That information is on a need to
know basis.
DONKEY
It’s top secret, hushity hush.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA
The Knight commands his troops.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Now gentlemen let’s away… to the
showers!
JOCKS
Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo!
Shrek approaches the Knight.
The Knight’s horse rears up and he falls off. The horse
gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Greetings your majesty. This is
your lucky day.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
So what for like are you supposed
to be? Some kind of giant mutant
leprechaun or something?
SHREK
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant
leprechaun… You made a funny.
Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder,
ogre-style.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
Unhand me, monster!
SHREK
Stop squirming, Arthur.
KNIGHT (LANCELOT)
I’m not Arthur!
Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot
tries to regain his dignity.
LANCELOT
I am Lancelot.
Lancelot points across the school yard.
LANCELOT
That dork over there is Arthur!
He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the
school yard.
SHREK
Hey!
Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking.
Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground.
LANCELOT
Aaah.
Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch
up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38.
GUINEVERRE
Ahem! This is like totally
embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany
thinkest thou vex her so soothly…
The other girls giggle.
GUINEVERRE
And she thought perchance thou
would wanna ask her to the
Homecoming Dance or something…
SHREK
Uh, excuse me?
GUINEVERRE
It’s like whatever. She’s just
totally into college guys and
mythical creatures and stuff.
She pops her gum.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - LATER
Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.
SHREK
Oh Arthur! Come out, come out
wherever you are…
Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and
Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been
stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.
DONKEY
Yeah, you better run, you little
punk no good-niks, `cause the days
of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers"
are over!
An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey’s butt.
Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a
HALL MONITOR who stops them.
HALL MONITOR
Hold it…
Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39.
COSTUME STUDENT 1
We’re here for the Mascot Contest.
COSTUME STUDENT 2
Grrrrr!
The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.
SHREK
(pleased with himself)
We’re here for the Mascot Contest
too.
The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching
and pulling Shrek’s skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain.
HALL MONITOR
(SUSPICIOUS)
This is a costume?
SHREK
(RECOVERING)
Aaaiyyyy… worked on it all night
long!
The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek
struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still
suspicious.
HALL MONITOR
Looks pretty real to me.
PUSS
If it were real could I do this?
Puss’s claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then
Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek’s butt.
DONKEY
Or this?
Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs.
Shrek winces and sweats.
SHREK
(UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED)
He’s right! If it were real that
would have been agonizingly
painful!
DONKEY
Now watch this….
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40.
SHREK
(INTERRUPTING; THROUGH
GRITTED TEETH)
That’s quite enough boys.
INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS
Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire
student body. He speaks through a megaphone.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
Thank you to Professor Primbottom
for his invigorating lecture on how
to just say "nay".
Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed
up like a dragon and the other as a griffin.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
And now, without further ado, let’s
give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah
to the winner of our "New Mascot"
contest… the--
Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT’D)
--ogre?
The students gasp as Shrek marches forward.
SHREK
That’s right. I’m the new mascot.
So let’s really try and beat the
other guys… at whatever it is
they’re doing.
The band plays Smashmouth’s "Rock Star."
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
This is indeed all a bit
unorthodox.
Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley’s
megaphone.
SHREK
Now, where can I find Arthur
Pendragon?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41.
The students all point… to the basketball hoop, where Artie
hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up
and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh.
In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort.
LANCELOT
Classic.
Donkey turns to Lancelot.
DONKEY
You should be ashamed of yourself.
LANCELOT
I didn’t do it. They did.
Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves
with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again.
Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level.
ARTIE
Please don’t eat me.
STUDENTS
(CHANTING)
Eat him! Eat him!
Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement.
PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY
Eat him!
Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop.
SHREK
I’m not here to eat him.
STUDENTS
AWWW.
SHREK
It’s time to pack up your
toothbrush and jammies. You’re the
new King of Far Far Away.
ARTIE
What?
The students react with surprise and disbelief.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42.
LANCELOT
Artie a King? More like the Mayor
of Loserville.
BOHORT
Nice one Lance!
They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha.
LANCELOT
Burn.
Everyone laughs.
ARTIE
Is this for real?
SHREK
Absolutely. Now clean out your
locker, kid. You’ve got a kingdom
to run.
ARTIE
So wait, I’m really the only heir?
Shrek pauses for just a moment, then…
SHREK
The one and only.
ARTIE
Give me just a second.
Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt
speech.
ARTIE
My good people, I think there’s a
lesson here for all of us. Maybe
the next time you’re about to dunk
a kid’s head in a chamber pot,
you’ll stop and think, hey, maybe
this guy has feelings. Maybe I
should cut him some slack. Because
maybe, just maybe… this guy’s
gonna turn out to be, uh…I
dunno…a King! And maybe his
first royal decree will be to
banish everyone who ever picked on
him -- that’s right, I’m looking at
you, jousting team.
Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43.
ARTIE
And Gwen… oh Gwen. I’ve always
loved you.
GUINEVERRE
Ew.
ARTIE
Well good friends, it breaks my
heart, but, enjoy your stay here in
prison while I rule the free world
baby!
SHREK
Alright, let’s not overdo it.
ARTIE
I’m building my city people! On
Rock and Roll!
SHREK
You just overdid it.
Shrek shoves the kid through the door.
ARTIE
Ow!
Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium.
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY - DAY
All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for
Fiona’s baby shower. A group of birds gently place a
flowered wreath on Fiona’s head. The Princesses all gaze at
her.
PRINCESSES
(GASP)
Oh!
SNOW WHITE
Look at you!
RAPUNZEL
Wow!
SNOW WHITE
You look darling!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Just precious! Look at her!
RAPUNZEL
So, have you had any cravings since
you’ve been pregnant?
Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with
cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on.
FIONA
(MOUTH FULL)
No, no, not at all.
She takes another bite.
FIONA
Do you smell ham?
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
Oooh! It’s present time!
The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They
chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed.
CINDERELLA
Oh, Fiona, won’t you please open
mine first? It’s the one in front.
Fiona reads the card.
FIONA
(READING)
"Congratulations on your new mess
maker…" Oh, `mess maker.’
(LAUGHS)
"Hopefully this helps. Love,
Cinderella."
Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper-
scooper.
PRINCESSES
Oooo! Aaaah!
DORIS
Will you look at that!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
What is it?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.
CINDERELLA
It’s for the poopies.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Eww. Wait, babies poop?
RAPUNZEL
Everyone poops Beauty.
The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited.
PIG #2
Fiona…
PIG #1
Fiona! We all chipped in for a
little present too.
PIGS
Yah!
Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with
Gingerbread Man inside.
GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO
Ta dah!
PRINCESSES
Oooh.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You know the baby’s gonna love it
because I do!
FIONA
Oh, you guys, that’s so sweet.
Thank you.
Fiona turns to another present.
FIONA
Who’s this one from?
SNOW WHITE
I got you the biggest one because I
love you the most.
The other girls scowl at her.
FIONA
(reading the card)
"Have one on me, love Snow White"
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46.
Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf.
FIONA
(CONFUSED)
Umm… what is it?
SNOW WHITE
Ha, haaa! He’s a live-in baby-
sitter.
NANNY DWARF
Where’s the baby?
FIONA
You’re too kind, Snow, but I can’t
accept this.
SNOW WHITE
Think nothing of it. I’ve got six
more at home.
FIONA
What does he do?
CINDERELLA
The cleaning.
SNOW WHITE
The feeding.
NANNY DWARF
The burping.
FIONA
So what are Shrek and I supposed to
do?
RAPUNZEL
Well, now you’ll have plenty of
time to work on your marriage.
FIONA
Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what’s
that supposed to mean?
RAPUNZEL
Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know
what happens.
Cinderella prods beauty.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(WAKING)
Huh? You’re tired all the time…
SNOW WHITE
You’ll start letting yourself go…
GINGERBREAD MAN
Stretch marks!
RAPUNZEL
Say goodbye to romance.
Dragon puts her head through the window.
DRAGON
Yort.
FIONA
Um sorry… but how many of you
have kids?
Doris wedges herself in on the couch.
DORIS
She’s right. A baby is only gonna
strengthen the love that Shrek and
Fiona have. How did Shrek react
when you told him? Tell me!
Fiona smiles.
FIONA
Well, when he first found
out…Shrek said-
DRAGON
Roarrr!
CUT TO:
EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying
broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of
the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle
with one of the witches.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
(LAUGHING)
Onward my new friends.
(MORE)
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
To our happily ever afters! Ha ha
ha ha ha!
A bug flies into his mouth.
PRINCE CHARMING
Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh!
Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now, bombs away!
From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches
swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks.
The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their
branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as
parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards
Rodeo Drive.
EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People
are diving out of her way.
The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in
terror.
EVIL TREES
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal
Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Well, well, well. If it isn’t
Peter Pan.
MOTHER
His name’s not Peter!
CAPTAIN HOOK
Shut it, Wendy!
MOTHER
Ahhh!
Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop.
They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into
"Ye Olde HOOTERS."
The excited patrons race back in.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49.
An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then
takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee.
Another Villain throws a cart through a store window.
Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the
envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs.
CYCLOPS
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick
flying down Rodeo Drive.
PRINCE CHARMING
Enough pillaging! To the castle!
Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains
up to the castle.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS
The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one
of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her.
Fiona runs to the window.
The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She
struggles.
DRAGON
Roarrrr!
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door.
The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other
furniture in front of the door.
The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace
themselves against the furniture.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(TO FIONA)
You go and take care of the baby!
The Princesses panic.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50.
SNOW WHITE
Everybody stay calm. We’re all
going to die!
Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down.
SNOW WHITE
(WHIMPER)
Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side,
revealing an underground passageway.
FIONA
Everyone in! Now.
INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Prince Charming commands the Villains.
PRINCE CHARMING
C’mon. Put some back into it
people!
The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops
rides the tree like a mechanical bull.
CYCLOPS
Yee-haw! Ow.
INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
BOOM! The door is starting to give way.
FIONA
We don’t have time. Now go!
QUEEN
Quickly ladies!
The Princesses go down the stairs.
GINGERBREAD MAN
We’ll hold them off as long as we
can!
BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open.
Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots
the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51.
PRINCE CHARMING
Where are Shrek and Fiona?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Name doesn’t ring a bell.
PIG #1
Yah!
PIG #2
No bell!
The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea.
PRINCE CHARMING
I suggest you freaks cooperate with
the new King of Far Far Away.
GINGERBREAD MAN
The only thing you’re ever gonna be
King of is "King of the Stupids."
Prince Charming snaps his fingers.
PRINCE CHARMING
Hook!
CAPTAIN HOOK
Right!
Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Avast, ye cookie!
He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man’s chin.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Start talkin’!
Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out.
A montage of Gingerbread Man’s life flashes before his eyes.
INT. BAKERY - DAY
A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He
puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born.
MUFFIN MAN
Gingy!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52.
GINGERBREAD MAN
Papa!
INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY
Gingerbread Man is attending school.
TEACHER
Settle down, now.
Gingerbread Man graduates.
EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY
Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie.
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and
wife.
INT. FARQUAAD’S CASTLE - DAY
Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his
legs.
INT. GYM - DAY
Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his
rehabilitation.
EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY
Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(SINGING)
"On the Good Ship Lollypop,
It’s a sweet trip,
To the candy shop,
Where the Bon Bons play,
On the sunny beach of Peppermint
Bay.."
Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio’s head
towards him.
PRINCE CHARMING
You! You can’t lie. So tell me
puppet… Where is Shrek?!
Pinocchio thinks.
PINOCCHIO
(NERVOUS)
Well, I don’t know where he’s not.
Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio’s face.
PRINCE CHARMING
You’re telling me you don’t know
where Shrek is?
Pinocchio is still a little nervous.
PINOCCHIO
It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume
that I couldn’t exactly not say
that is or isn’t almost partially
incorrect.
Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand.
PRINCE CHARMING
So you do know where he is!
PINOCCHIO
On the contrary, I’m possibly more
or less, not definitely rejecting
the idea, that in no way, with any
amount of uncertainty that…
PRINCE CHARMING
Stop it.
PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
…I undeniably do or do not know
where he shouldn’t probably be.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54.
Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs
are frustrated.
PINOCCHIO
If that indeed wasn’t where he
isn’t. Even if he wasn’t not where
I knew he was could mean that I
wouldn’t completely not know where
he wasn’t.
Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song."
PIG #1
Oh, enough! Shrek went off to
bring back the next heir! Oh!
The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his
mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously.
PRINCE CHARMING
He’s bringing back the next heir?
PINOCCHIO
No!
Pinocchio’s nose grows.
PRINCE CHARMING
Hook! Get rid of this new "King."
CAPTAIN HOOK
Right!
PRINCE CHARMING
But bring Shrek to me. I have
something special in mind for him.
PINOCCHIO
He’ll never fall for your tricks!
Pinocchio’s nose grows again.
WOLF
Oh boy.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK
The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he
watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55.
ARTIE
I can’t believe it… me a King?
I…I mean I knew I came from
royalty and all, but I just figured
everyone forgot about me.
He looks out to sea, disbelieving.
SHREK
Oh no, in fact, the King asked for
you personally.
Artie smiles.
ARTIE
Really? Wow! Look, I know it’s not
all gonna be fun and games.
SHREK
It really is all fun and games,
actually. Sure, you have to knight
a few heroes, launch a ship or two.
By the way, make sure you hit the
boat just right with the bottle.
ARTIE
Boat with the bottle? Any idiot
can hit a boat with a bottle.
Shrek chuckles sheepishly.
SHREK
Well, I’ve heard it’s harder than
it looks.
ARTIE
Whoa!! This is gonna be huge.
Parties, princesses, castles…
princesses.
DONKEY
It’s gonna be great, Artie. You’ll
be living in the lap of luxury.
They got the finest chefs around
waiting for you to place your
order.
Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie.
PUSS
And fortunately you’ll have the
royal food tasters.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56.
ARTIE
(INTRIGUED))
Oh yeah? What do they do?
PUSS
They taste the food before the King
eats, to make sure it’s not
poisoned.
ARTIE
Poisoned?
Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in.
SHREK
Or too salty!
Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up.
DONKEY
(TO ARTIE)
Don’t worry about it. You’ll be
safe and sound with the help of
your body guards.
ARTIE
Body guards?
PUSS
All of them, willing at a moment’s
notice to lay down their own lives
out of devotion to you.
ARTIE
Really?
PUSS
Si, and the whole kingdom will look
to you for wisdom and guidance.
Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey.
DONKEY
Just make sure they don’t die of
famine.
PUSS
Or plague.
DONKEY
Oh, plague is bad.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57.
PUSS
The coughing, the groaning, the
festering sores.
Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh.
SHREK
Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are
one funny kitty cat.
PUSS
What did I say?
SHREK
We don’t want Artie here getting
the wrong idea.
Shrek motions to Artie, but he’s gone. They all look around.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Uh, Artie?
The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces
himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away.
ALL
Whoa!
Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the
direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin
and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain
slides by.
SHIP CAPTAIN
Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip.
SHREK
Artie!
Shrek turns the wheel the other way.
SHREK (CONT’D)
What are you doing?!
The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away.
Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat.
A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it.
ARTIE
What does it look like?!
He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58.
He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises
up and grabs the wheel and turns it.
SHREK
This really isn’t up to you!
Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the
wheel back the other way.
ARTIE
But I don’t know anything about
being King!
SHREK
You’ll learn on the job!
Donkey and Puss roll across the deck.
DONKEY
Whoaaa!
Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the
wheel. They wrestle for control.
ARTIE
Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m
going back!
SHREK
Back to what? Being a loser?!
As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he’s gone
too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to
yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the
decking.
SHREK (CONT’D)
Now look what you did!
ARTIE
Look what I did? Who’s holding the
wheel chief?
Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is
about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead.
DONKEY
(SWALLOWING; THEN
SHOUTING)
Shrek!
Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer
the ship clear of the rocks.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59.
The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat
crash into the rocks.
SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.)
Land ho!
EXT. BEACH - DUSK
Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach.
He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek
drops Puss and Donkey.
Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur
puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame.
PUSS
How humiliating…
SHREK
Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
ARTIE
Oh, so now it’s "Your highness?"
What happened to "loser?" Huh?
SHREK
Hey, if you think this is getting
you out of anything, well it isn’t.
We’re heading back to Far Far Away
one way or another, and you’re
gonna be a father!
Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek
uncomfortably.
ARTIE
What?
DONKEY
(clearing his throat)
A-hem. You just said father…
SHREK
You’re… I said king. You’re
gonna be King!
ARTIE
(IMITATING SHREK)
"You’re gonna be King!" Yeah
right.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60.
Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a
path into the woods.
SHREK
Where do you think you’re going?
ARTIE
Far Far Away… from you!
SHREK
You get back here young man and I
mean it!
Artie keeps climbing.
PUSS
Uh boss, I don’t think he’s coming
back and maybe it’s for the best.
He is not exactly king material.
Shrek looks towards Artie.
DONKEY
When were you planning on telling
him that you were really supposed
to be King?
SHREK
Oh c’mon, now why would I do that?
Besides, he’ll be ten times better
at it than me.
Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek.
DONKEY
Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then
you’re gonna have to change your
tactics if you want to get anywhere
with this kid.
Beat.
SHREK
You’re right, Donkey.
Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood.
SHREK
What about this?
Donkey shakes his head in disgust.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61.
DONKEY
Shrek!
Shrek tosses the log.
SHREK
Oh c’mon. It’s just a joke.
(LAUGHS)
Still…
Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie.
EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER
Artie marches up the mountain trail.
Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic
with the kid. He catches up to Artie.
SHREK
Listen Artie…
Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just
keeps going.
SHREK (CONT’D)
If you think this whole mad scene
ain’t dope, I feel you dude. I
mean, I’m not trying to get up in
your grill or raise your roof or
whatever, but what I am screaming
is, yo, check out this kazing
thazing bazaby.
Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a
cottage in the distance and heads toward it.
SHREK
I mean, if it doesn’t groove or
what I’m saying ain’t straight
trippin’, just say, oh no you
didn’t, you know, you’re gettin’ on
my last nerve. And then I’ll know
it’s… then I’ll know it’s whack--
Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch,
striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62.
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS
A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small
shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the
door.
ARTIE
SOMEBODY HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED
BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO
ME!
SHREK
Artie! Wait!
Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp.
ARTIE
C’mon! C’mon! Help! Help!
Hello?
Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that
is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old
wizard’s head is projected out. Donkey is terrified.
DONKEY
AHHHH!
WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
Greetings cosmic children of the
universe, and welcome to my
serenity circle!
Shrek watches.
WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN)
Please leave any bad vibes outside
the healing vortex. And now
prepare …
With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears.
The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out.
MERLIN
I knew I should of gotten that
warranty!
Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and
is promptly zapped in the head.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63.
MERLIN
AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin?
SHREK
You know this guy?
ARTIE
Yeah. He was the school’s magic
teacher until he had his nervous
breakdown.
MERLIN
Uh, technically I was merely a
victim of a level three fatigue,
and at the request of my therapist
and the school authorities, I have
retired to the tranquility of
nature to discover my divine
purpose.
Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head.
Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment.
MERLIN
Now, can I interest anyone in a
snack or beverage?
SHREK
Uh, no.
Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks.
MERLIN
Sure you don’t wanna try my famous
rock au-gratin?
Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding
from eating rocks.
MERLIN
It’s organic!
They both stare at him uncomfortably.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64.
SHREK
Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on
the way in. What we need are
directions back to Far Far Away.
ARTIE
What’s with the "we"? Who said I
was going with you?
SHREK
Oh, I did. Cause there’s a lot of
people counting on you so don’t try
and weasel out of it.
ARTIE
If it’s such a great job, why don’t
you do it?
SHREK
Understand this kid, it’s no more
Mr. Nice Guy from here on out!
ARTIE
Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice
Guy?"
SHREK
I know, and I’m gonna miss him.
ARTIE
You know what? Why don’t you go
terrorize a village and leave me
alone?
SHREK
Oh, is that some kind of crack
about ogres? You get your royal
highness to Far Far Away before I
kick it there.
(TO MERLIN)
Now which way am I kicking?
MERLIN
Oh, I could tell you. But since
you’re in the midst of self-
destructive rage spiral it would be
karmic-ly irresponsible.
SHREK
Self-destructive ra…
(TO MERLIN)
Look, are you gonna help us or not?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65.
MERLIN
Most definitely, but only after you
take the journey to your soul.
SHREK
Yeah, I don’t think so.
MERLIN
Look pal, it’s either that or some
primal scream therapy.
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Shrek grabs Merlin’s mouth and closes it.
SHREK
Alright, alright… journey to the
soul…
CUT TO:
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP - LATER
A fire blazes.
Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares.
MERLIN
Now all of you, look into the "Fire
of Truth" and tell me what you see!
Yah! Ha!
(Wild war cry)
Woo-looo-looo-looo!
He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e.
Rorschach inkblots).
Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire.
DONKEY
Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a
dutch fudge torte with cinnamon
swirls.
MERLIN
Okay. Monster, go for it.
Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare
begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away.
He covers his fear and changes the subject.
SHREK
I see a rainbow pony.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.
MERLIN
Excellent work!
(THEN)
Now! The boy!
ARTIE
This is lame.
Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head.
ARTIE
Ow!
MERLIN
You’re lame! Now just go for it.
He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it.
ARTIE
Okay. There’s a baby bird and a
father bird sitting in a nest.
Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie’s expression starts to
change as he stays focused.
MERLIN
Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!
ARTIE
Wait, the dad just flew away. Why
did he leave the little bird all
alone?
Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more
worked up.
ARTIE
It’s trying to fly, but it doesn’t
know how to. It.. it’s gonna fall!
Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts
away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him,
stunned.
MERLIN
Whew, proper head case you are,
aren’t you? Really messed up.
Whoa.
Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67.
ARTIE
Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The
bird’s me. My dad left. So what?
Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie.
Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists.
SHREK
(CLEARS THROAT)
Look Artie…um-
Just as he’s about to get going, "That’s What Friends Are
For" starts playing loudly from Merlin’s security device
drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the
shack where Merlin peeks out.
MERLIN
(loud, over the music)
Just thought I might help set the
mood! Y’know for your big heart to
heart chat!
Everyone stares at him.
He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It’s
quiet again.
SHREK
I know what it’s like to not feel
ready for something.
Artie looks at him.
SHREK
Even ogres get scared…you know,
once in a while.
ARTIE
I know you want me to be king, but
I can’t. I’m not cut out for it and
I never will be, alright?
Shrek takes this in.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
Even my own dad knew I wasn’t worth
the trouble. He dumped me at that
school the first chance he got and
I never heard from him again.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68.
SHREK
My dad wasn’t really the fatherly
type either.
ARTIE
Well, I doubt he was worse than
mine.
SHREK
Oh yeah? My father was an ogre.
He tried to eat me.
Artie looks at Shrek.
SHREK
Now, I guess I should have seen it
coming. He used to give me a bath
in barbecue sauce and put me to bed
with an apple in my mouth.
Artie chuckles at this.
ARTIE
Okay… I guess that’s… pretty
bad.
Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire.
SHREK
You know, it may be hard to believe
what with my obvious charm and good
looks, but people used to think
that I was a monster. And for a
long time, I believed them.
Artie looks up at Shrek.
SHREK (CONT’D)
But after awhile, you learn to
ignore the names that people call
you and you just trust who you are.
Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment.
ARTIE
You know, you’re okay, Shrek.
He tosses the stick into the fire.
ARTIE
You just need to do a little less
yelling and use a little more soap.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69.
SHREK
Thanks Artie.
ARTIE
The soap’s because you stink.
Really bad.
SHREK
Yeah. I got that.
The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the
fire continues to burn.
CUT TO:
INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS
The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by
darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs
below the castle.
They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading
the way, holding a torch.
CINDERELLA
Oh this place is filthy. I feel
like a hobo.
Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check.
SNOW WHITE
I’m sorry but this just isn’t
working for me.
Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Everything’s always about you,
isn’t it? It’s not like your
attitude is helping, Snow.
SNOW WHITE
Well maybe it just bothers you that
I was voted fairest in the land.
RAPUNZEL
You mean in that rigged election?
SNOW WHITE
Oh, give me a break.
(gesturing toward hair)
(MORE)
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70.
SNOW WHITE (cont’d)
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy
golden extensions!"
QUEEN
Ladies, let go of your petty
complaints and let’s work together.
Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look.
Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other
Princesses follow.
SNOW WHITE
So I guess the plan is we just
wander aimlessly in this stink hole
until we rot.
FIONA
No, we’re gonna get inside and find
out what Charming’s up to.
DORIS
I know he’s a jerk and everything,
but I gotta admit, that Charming
makes me hotter than July.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Ew!
RAPUNZEL
Ugh.
Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for.
FIONA
That’s it!
Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder
and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard.
EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
They peer around a corner and see the construction of an
outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying
a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the
set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower.
The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by.
Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the
Princesses to follow her.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71.
RAPUNZEL
Come on, this way!
FIONA
Rapunzel. Wait!
Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her
sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through
the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the
arm.
FIONA
Charming, let go of her.
A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them.
Prince Charming smiles at Fiona.
PRINCE CHARMING
But why would I want to do that?
RAPUNZEL
Grrrr!
PRINCE CHARMING
Woof!
He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long
kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked.
FIONA
What?
PRINCE CHARMING
Say hello ladies, to the new Queen
of Far Far Away.
Cinderella claps excitedly.
CINDERELLA
Yaaaaaaaaay!
The Princesses stare her down.
FIONA
Rapunzel, how could you?
RAPUNZEL
Jealous much?
Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72.
PRINCE CHARMING
Soon you’ll be back where you
started… scrubbing floors or
locked away in towers; that is, if
I let you last the week.
RAPUNZEL
But Pooky, you promised you
wouldn’t hurt them!
PRINCE CHARMING
Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy
will discuss it later. Now forgive
us, we have a show to put on.
FIONA
Shrek will be back soon Charming,
and you’ll be sorry.
He stops and flashes a sadistic smile.
PRINCE CHARMING
Sorry? Don’t you realize --once
Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away
he’s doomed?
Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them
apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat.
The guards march them off.
Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell.
Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY
Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head,
looking around. He realizes it’s morning.
Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly,
the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off.
Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find
everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up
everyone.
The trees start to advance toward Shrek.
The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking
Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73.
ARTIE
Ow!
The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally
wakes up.
DONKEY
Ahhh!
The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The
trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano.
The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns
away from his keys and faces them.
DONKEY
Look out! They’ve got a piano!
CAPTAIN HOOK
Kill `em all. Except the fat one.
He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic.
CAPTAIN HOOK
King Charming has something special
in mind for you, ogre.
Shrek is perplexed.
SHREK
"King Charming?"
CAPTAIN HOOK
Attack!
Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches.
PIRATES
AAAARGH!
One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground.
The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the
side.
One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie.
SHREK
Artie, Duck!
Shrek pushes Artie’s head down and the sword narrowly misses
him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts
Artie above his head.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.
Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to
the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look.
A pirate charges Donkey.
DONKEY
Ahhh!
Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate,
protecting Donkey.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ha-ha! Argh!
PIRATES
Argh! Argh!
The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin
happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and
rudely elbows Merlin out of the way.
A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The
pirate bounces off Shrek’s belly.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ready the plank!
A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift
"plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank.
Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He
is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a
waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the
lid on him.
Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains.
Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss,
Donkey and Artie up in a net.
The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie
starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut
through the netting.
The cannon fuse is lit.
Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the
chest still stuck to his behind.
DONKEY
Shrek!
ARTIE
Help!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75.
Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He
grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest.
He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and
catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second,
Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction.
The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook’s piano, blowing it
into pieces.
Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that
holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates
take off running.
Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes
his hook in the air.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ya cowards!
SHREK
What has Charming done with Fiona?
CAPTAIN HOOK
She’s gonna get what’s coming to
her.
He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an
Evil Tree’s branch and is dragged away with the rest of the
Villains.
CAPTAIN HOOK
Ahhh.
(YELLING BACK)
And there ain’t nothing you can do
to stop him!
TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to
him now.
Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek.
PUSS
We’ve got to save her!
DONKEY
But she’s so far far away!
Shrek thinks for a moment.
SHREK
Get yourself back to
Worcestershire, kid.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76.
ARTIE
No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I’ve
got an idea.
EXT. MERLIN’S CAMP - CONTINUOUS
Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie
approaches him.
MERLIN
(CHANTING)
I’m a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz,
buzz…
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to
get them…I mean, us, back to Far
Far Away.
Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his
eye at Artie.
MERLIN
(GETTING UP)
Forget it. I don’t have that kind
of magic in me anymore, kid. How
about a hug instead? Hmm? That’s
the best kind of magic.
Artie tries a new approach.
ARTIE
Mr. Merlin please. I know you can
DO IT-
MERLIN
I said, forget it!
ARTIE
BUT-
Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his
breath.
MERLIN (CONT’D)
Mumble, grumble, interrupt my
healing. Mumble, mumble.
Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts
to sob. Merlin stops and turns around.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77.
MERLIN
Oh. What, what’s with you?
Artie continues to cry.
ARTIE
It’s just so hard. You know? They
really need to get back `cause
their kingdom’s in trouble `cause
there’s a really bad man and it’s
just so hard…
Merlin is visibly uncomfortable.
MERLIN
C’mon, take it easy.
Artie’s blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable.
ARTIE
No! I don’t think you understand!
There’s a mean person doing mean
things to good people-
SHREK
Oh, have a heart old man!
Artie grabs him, now desperate.
ARTIE
And they really need your help to
get them back! So why won’t you
help them?
MERLIN
Oh.
Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line.
Merlin is stunned. He doesn’t know what to do.
MERLIN
Uh, Okay… I’ll go and get my
things.
Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers.
Shrek is impressed.
ARTIE
Piece of cake.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.
SHREK
Well, well, well. You want some
eggs with that ham?
Shrek smiles.
Merlin returns holding a spell book.
MERLIN
Now, I am a little rusty, so there
could be some side effects.
DONKEY
Side effects!?
MERLIN
Don’t worry, whatever it is, no
matter how excruciatingly painful
it may be, it’ll wear off
eventually… I think.
Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out
his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey.
DONKEY
Ah!
MERLIN
Oops.
Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look.
DONKEY
Are you sure this is a good idea?
SHREK
Look, if Artie trusts him, that’s
good enough for me. Even if his
robe doesn’t quite cover his-
MERLIN
Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy
zoom zoom. Let’s help our friends
get back, um… soon!
Magic rays shoot out of Merlin’s fingers. Shrek, Puss,
Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke.
MERLIN
Woah! It worked!
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79.
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS
They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the
canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the
foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree.
DONKEY
(moan and groan)
Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over.
DONKEY (CONT’D)
(in Puss’ body)
Oh man, I haven’t been on a trip
like that since college.
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
What? Is there something in my
teeth?
Donkey’s eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of
Puss’ body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Huh? What the?
(GASP)
Oh no!
Donkey (in Puss’ body) grabs Puss’ hat. He looks down at
Puss’ boots. His tail begins to twitch.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
I’ve been abracadabra’d into a
fancy feasting second rate
sidekick.
Puss (in Donkey’s body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in
Puss’ body).
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
At least you don’t look like some
kind of bloated roadside piñata.
You really should think about going
on a diet!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, and you should think about
getting yourself a pair of pants!
I feel all exposed and nasty.
Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted
to their faces. They burst out laughing.
Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Oh, so you two think this is funny?
Puss is fuming.
Shrek and Artie regain their composure.
ARTIE
(SNICKERS)
I’m really sorry guys.
SHREK
Don’t be! You got us back kid.
Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of
them. He turns back to Artie.
Artie smiles.
Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss’ body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the
Hans Christian Andersen am I
supposed to parade around in these
goofy boots?
PUSS
Be very careful with those - HEE
HAW!
Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover.
PUSS
They were made in Madrid by the
finest- HEE HAW!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Oh, you’ll learn to control that.
TIME CUT TO:
EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON
Shrek, Puss (in Donkey’s body), and Artie rush past a welcome
sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads
"Go Go Away."
Donkey (in Puss’ body) struggles to walk. His tender new
feet hurt in their tiny boots.
DONKEY
Seriously man, you need some
comfort inserts or arch supports or
something.
(noticing Rodeo Drive)
Woah!
Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti
everywhere.
Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down
Rodeo Drive.
EVIL WITCHES
Woohoo!!
The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken
Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the
street.
Shrek is shocked by what he sees.
A crash is heard off-screen.
EVIL DWARF #1
Hey… watch it I’m walking here…
and I’m gonna keep going…
A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding
Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf.
A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with
Pinocchio dancing in it.
SHREK
Pinocchio?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82.
PINOCCHIO
Shrek!
Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down
on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass.
SHREK
Pinocchio!
PINOCCHIO
Help me!
SHREK
What’s happened?
PINOCCHIO
Charming and the Villains have
taken over everything! They
attacked us but Fiona and the
Princesses got away. And now she’s-
-
The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain
goes down.
SHREK
She’s what?! She’s what!?
Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it
costs per show.
SHREK
(turns to Puss in Donkey’s
BODY)
Puss, loan me five bucks!
DONKEY
C’mon Puss, you heard the man, help
a brother out.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Do you see any pockets on me?
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Hold on a second.
Donkey (in Puss’ body) removes his boot, he turns it over and
a bag of money falls onto the ground.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Aha!
Donkey (in Puss’ body) tosses the money to Shrek.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
I had no idea …really …I swear.
Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music
starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances.
SHREK
Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona?
PINOCCHIO
Charming’s got her locked away some
place secret. You gotta find him!
He’s probably getting ready for the
SHOWWWW---
The curtain goes down again.
SHREK
Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What
show?
Pinocchio’s hand comes out from under the curtain and points
to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud.
PUSS
(reading the poster)
It’s A Happily Ever After, After
All!
SHREK
Shrek’s final performance.
The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his
foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the
ground.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Whoa, Shrek! You didn’t tell us
you were in a play.
SHREK
Well I guess I’ve been so busy I
forgot to mention it!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84.
GUARD #1 (O.S.)
It’s the ogre! Get him!
Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming’s royal
knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the
alley. Puss (in Donkey’s body) steps forward.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Don’t worry, Jefe. I got this.
He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are
large and sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily
hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they’re
staring at a donkey.
The guards recoil.
GUARD #2
Ugh! Kill it!
Puss (in Donkey’s body) immediately retreats.
Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps
forward, confronting the guards.
ARTIE
Look, don’t you know who he thinks
he is? How dare you?
Shrek picks up on his plan.
SHREK
Donkey, we’re dealing with
amateurs.
The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the
wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the
poster off the wall.
ARTIE
He’s a star people! Hello?! I’m so
sorry about this Mr. Shrek.
SHREK
I’m gonna lose it!
ARTIE
I assume you have everything ready
for tonight! You did get the list
for the dressing room?
Donkey marches in.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, the breakfast croissants
stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.
Oh, and please tell me you at least
have the saffron corn with the
jalapeno honey butter cause our
client cannot get into his proper
emotional state without his
jalapeno honey butter.
SHREK
I just lost it!
GUARD #1
Uh…Maybe they should talk to
Nancy in Human Resources.
Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the
castle.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Oh, we’ll have much to say to
Nancy, I promise!
The guards look at each other nervously.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY
A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance
number.
Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth
in the rear of the stage.
The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to
a Shrek stand in.
PRINCE CHARMING
(reading his lines from a
SCRIPT)
With this sword, I do- No.
He starts the line over.
PRINCE CHARMING
With this sword, I do smote thee!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86.
Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who
falls to the ground.
PRINCE CHARMING
(TO HIMSELF) )
Is that the right word? "Smote?"
"Smooote." Is that even a word
actually? Maybe I should just
smite him.
Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away.
PRINCE CHARMING
Let’s try this again. Now…
Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside
Prince Charming.
PRINCE CHARMING
(playing the scene out
QUIETLY)
Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be
afraid.
(he fake screams)
Ooh!!!
Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and
chuckles.
PRINCE CHARMING
I say…
(he riffles through pages)
"Finally the Kingdom will get the
happily ever after they deserve,
die Ogre", blah, blah, blah…
Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground.
Prince Charming is still frustrated.
PRINCE CHARMING
Oh! It just doesn’t feel real
enough yet!
He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the
dancing villains who are staring at him.
PRINCE CHARMING
Who told you to stop dancing?!
CYCLOPS
Uh… Wink and turn, wink and turn.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87.
He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in.
PRINCE CHARMING
And what are you laying around for?
Get up! Honestly.
Prince Charming storms off.
CUT TO:
INT. CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing
room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings
and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles.
Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front
of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of
his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently.
PRINCE CHARMING
Our happily ever after is nearly
complete, mommy. And I assure you,
the people of this kingdom will pay
dearly for every second we’ve had
to wait.
Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek
standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along
side him.
Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek.
SHREK
Break a leg. Or, on second
thought, let me break it for you.
He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his
dressing table.
Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button
under the counter.
PRINCE CHARMING
Thank goodness you’re here. I was
beginning to think you might not
make it back in… time.
Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88.
SHREK
Where’s Fiona?
PRINCE CHARMING
Don’t worry. She and the others
are safe. For now.
Shrek strengthens his grip.
Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly
surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey.
ARTIE
Ow.
Prince Charming smiles.
Shrek looks around and realizes he’s beat. He drops Charming
with a thud.
Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround
Shrek.
Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across
his face.
PRINCE CHARMING
Let me guess… Arthur?
Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up.
ARTIE
It’s Artie, actually.
PRINCE CHARMING
This boy is supposed to be the new
King of Far Far Away?
Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to
Artie’s neck.
PRINCE CHARMING
How pathetic! Now, stand still so I
won’t make a mess.
Shrek steps in.
SHREK
Charming, stop! I’m here now, you
got what you wanted. This isn’t
about him.
Artie is confused.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89.
ARTIE
Then who’s it about? I’m supposed
to be King, right?
Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself.
SHREK
You weren’t really next in line for
the throne, okay? I was.
ARTIE
But you said the King asked for me
personally.
SHREK
Not exactly.
ARTIE
What’s that supposed to mean?
Shrek becomes defensive.
SHREK
Look, I said whatever I had to say,
alright! I wasn’t right for the
job, I just needed some fool to
replace me, and you fit the bill.
So just go!
Artie is stunned.
ARTIE
You were playing me the whole time.
Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more.
SHREK
You catch on real fast kid… Maybe
you’re not as big of a loser as I
thought.
Puss (in Donkey’s body) is about to interject when Donkey (in
Puss’ body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet.
ARTIE
You know, for a minute there, I
actually thought you -
PRINCE CHARMING
What? That he cared about you? He’s
an ogre. What did you expect?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90.
Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He
stares at Shrek one last time and heads out.
Shrek lowers his head in shame.
PRINCE CHARMING
You really do have a way with
children, Shrek.
Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING’S DRESSING ROOM:
Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway.
EXT. CASTLE GATE:
The scene cross-dissolves to Artie’s back as he walks away
from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily
storms away.
INT. DUNGEON:
Shrek’s ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his
chains. He sadly looks out the cell window.
INT. PRISON:
The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona
comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares
sorrowfully at the castle in the distance.
INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY
All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in
the same prison cell.
Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a
shine.
Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the
distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining.
SNOW WHITE
Had we just stayed put like I
suggested, we could be sipping tea
out of little heart-shaped cups…
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91.
CINDERELLA
Yeah… yeah, heart shaped cups.
SNOW WHITE
Eating crumpets smothered with
loganberries.
CINDERELLA
Yeah… loganberries.
SNOW WHITE
Shut up Cindy.
CINDERELLA
Yeah, shut up.
Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor.
CINDERELLA (REFLECTION)
No! You shut up!
CINDERELLA
Just stay out of this!
SNOW WHITE
Who cares who’s running the kingdom
anyway?
FIONA
I care.
Fiona steps forward and challenges them.
QUEEN
And you should all care too.
Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each
other’s bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind
them.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Yeah, and I have your badge number,
"TIN CAN-"
Puss, in Donkey’s body, hisses and arches his back like a
cat.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92.
FIONA (O.S.)
Donkey?!
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Princess?!
FIONA
Puss?!
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Lo siento, Princessa, but I am
Puss, stuck here inside this
hideous body.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
And I’m me!
FIONA
BUT YOU’RE-
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
I know, I know. Everything’s a
little fruity in the loops right
now. But what happened is, we went
to high school, the boat crashed,
and we got "bippity-bopity-booped"
by the "Magic Man."
DORIS
You poor sweet things.
CINDERELLA
I don’t get it.
SNOW WHITE
The cat turned into a little horse
that smells like feet. What’s to
get?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(WAKING UP)
Huh? Who dat?
FIONA
Where’s Shrek?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93.
DONKEY
Charming’s got him, Princess. And
he plans on killing Shrek tonight
in front of the whole kingdom.
Fiona’s lets out a breath.
FIONA
Alright everyone, we need to find a
way out, now.
The Princesses nod in agreement.
SNOW WHITE
You’re right.
(to the other Princesses)
Ladies, assume the position!
Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly
assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips.
Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs.
FIONA
What are you doing?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Waiting to be rescued.
FIONA
You have got to be kidding me.
SNOW WHITE
Well, what do you expect us to do?
We’re just four…
(NOTICES DORIS)
I mean, three, super hot
princesses, two circus freaks, a
pregnant ogre and an old lady.
The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses.
QUEEN
Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming
through.
She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and
lets out a yell.
QUEEN
Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah!
She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona
and the Princesses are impressed.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94.
PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY
Whoa.
FIONA
Mom!?
QUEEN
Well, you didn’t actually think you
got your fighting skills from your
father, did you?
Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses.
Snow White points to another wall behind them.
SNOW WHITE
Excuse me, I think there’s still
one more.
The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.
QUEEN
Hmmmm.
The Queen hurries to the other wall.
QUEEN
Hiiiiyah!
It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince.
Fiona approaches her mother.
The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing
softly to herself.
FIONA
Why don’t you just lie down?
The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away.
Fiona turns to the others.
FIONA
Okay girls, from here on out, we’re
gonna take care of business
ourselves.
Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other
Princesses. They nod.
Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a
Dopey tattoo.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95.
Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress.
The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a
football player).
Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper.
Doris burns her bra.
The Princesses place their hands over Fiona’s. Puss and
Donkey’s hands come in last.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and
taps it on the score in front of him.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far
Away Theatre at the Charming
Pavilion is proud to present: "It’s
a Happily Ever After, After All."
The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It’s a
Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as
himself."
Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills
and are using spears to usher people into their seats.
EVIL KNIGHT #1
Enjoy your evening of theatrical
reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or
beverages in the theatre! Hey!
The orchestra begins to warm up.
EXT. STAGE
The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the
stage to backstage.
INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT
SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man.
Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains
attached to the floor.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96.
He pulls the chains tight.
SHREK
Oww, easy.
CYCLOPS
Sorry. I guess I was just showing
off for the little one.
SHREK
Huh?
CYCLOPS
It’s "Bring your kids to work day."
C’mere beautiful.
Cyclops motions to the shadows.
CYCLOPS’ DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like
Cyclops with long hair and skirt.
Shrek recoils.
SHREK
Well… she’s got your eye.
Cyclops picks her up and embraces her.
CYCLOPS
Who woulda thought a monster like
me deserves something as special as
you?
They touch foreheads affectionately.
Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined
look on his face.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE GARDENS
The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the
castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two
Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to
signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side
entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow
White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal
Friends/With A Smile."
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97.
SNOW WHITE (O.S.)
(SINGING)
"Ahh ha ha ha ha haa."
The birds answer her in song.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
"Ahh ha ha ha haa."
The birds answer again.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
"Ha ha ha ha haaaa.
Little birdies take wing,
flitting down from the trees they
appear, and to chirp in my ear."
All the forest creatures flock to her.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
"All because I sing.
Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
More forest creatures flock to Snow White.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
"Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa."
The Evil Trees stare in amazement.
SNOW WHITE
(SINGING)
"Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!"
Suddenly Snow White’s face changes. She transitions into Led
Zeppelin’s "Immigrant Song."
SNOW WHITE
Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!!
All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the
Princesses charge forward.
FIONA
Move it! Go! Go! Go!
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98.
EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS
Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) run through front
gates of the Far Far Away Zoo.
The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss’
body) busts open their cage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
My babies!
The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey’s body) and hug him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Help! Ow!
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Hey!
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS
The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through
the lock to open the gates.
As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs
towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her
boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the
ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body.
Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The
Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and
over the castle wall.
CUT TO:
EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
Donkey and Puss (in each other’s bodies) break Pinocchio out
of his marionette theatre.
CUT TO:
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99.
EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER
Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case.
Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other’s bodies). Donkey (in
Puss’ body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his
claws. Puss (in Donkey’s body) intervenes, quickly bashing a
hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the
case.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily
creep along the rooftop.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS
Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking
their path. She gets an idea.
The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They
"ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up
to reveal Doris.
DORIS
Hey. How’s it going?
She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off
running.
CUT TO:
EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER
Donkey, Puss, (still in each other’s bodies) and the rescued
Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle.
Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
"O" to the "K." The coast has
cleared.
Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
All right people, let’s do this
thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!!
PINOCCHIO
I thought we agreed we would go by
the name of "Team Super Cool."
GINGERBREAD MAN
As I recall it was "Team Awesome."
WOLF
I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf
Squadron."
DONKEY
Alright! Alright! Alright! From
henceforth we are to be known as
"Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool
Dynomite Wolf Squadron."
The Three Pigs notice something.
PIG #1
Ach to Lieber! There is some
strange little girl over there
staring at us!
Donkey, in Puss’ body, turns to look. Artie is staring at
the strange crew.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Artie!
Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey’s body, runs to
stop him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey!
Where is the fire, Senor?
Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey’s body) out of the way.
ARTIE
Oh please, don’t act so innocent.
You both knew what was going on the
whole time and you kept it to
yourself.
Artie starts to storm away.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Artie, it’s not like it seems.
ARTIE
It’s not? I think it seems pretty
clear. He was using me. That’s
all there is to it.
Artie starts to walk off.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Using you? Man, you really don’t
get it!
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Shrek only said those things to
protect you!
This stops Artie in his tracks.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Charming was going to kill you
Artie. Shrek saved your life.
Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his
friend.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE
The lights dim.
The curtain rises.
INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Cue the spot!
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while
the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102.
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
"I wait alone up here.
I’m trapped another day.
Locked up here - please set me
free.
My new life I almost see,
A castle, you and me.
Yes, a castle you and me…"
Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this
crap for real?
Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience.
From the audience a knight holds up a candle.
Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Cherubs!
The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a
rope and pulley system.
A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a
clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on
horseback.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"Tis I! Tis I!
Upon my regal steed!
Princess, my love,
at last you shall be freed!"
The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the
clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out
of the clamshell.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"I’m strong and brave,
and dashing my way there!
With speed! With might!
With soft and bouncy hair!"
Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"Through the blistering desert…"
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103.
Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin
puppet.
EVIL TREES
(SINGING)
"Hot!"
Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the
sea serpent and crosses the sea.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"Across the stormiest sea."
EVIL DWARFS
(SINGING)
"Wet!"
He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the
Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"Facing creatures so vile!"
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
"Foul!"
He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer
and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"So you can gaze upon me!"
Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom
of Rapunzel’s tower.
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
"I knew you’d come for me.
And now we finally meet."
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"I knew you’d wait.
And from my plate of love you’d
eat."
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104.
There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through
the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in
the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the
audience, putting his hand to his ear.
INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel.
Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage.
MABEL
Roar! Roar!
Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some
steam with a billow.
EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS
A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette
fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his
chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle
before him.
INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS
A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs,
cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly
sit down.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"Who is this terrible ugly fiend
who so rudely intervened?"
Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings.
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
"Will Charming fight? Or will he
flee?"
RAPUNZEL
(SINGING)
"Oh please, rescue me!"
FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS
(SINGING)
"From this monstrosity!"
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105.
Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra-
high voice of a castrato.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"Fear thee not Honey Lamb!
I will slice this thing up like a
HAM!"
SHREK
Oh boy.
Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword
and aiming it at Shrek’s chest. Prince Charming’s voice
climbs even higher.
PRINCE CHARMING
You are about to enter
a world of pain with which you are
NOT-
(SINGING)
"FamiliaAAAAAAR!"
He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye
glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the
audience.
Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt.
SHREK
Well it can’t be anymore painful
than the lousy performance you’re
giving.
The audience laughs at Shrek’s remark. Prince Charming is
thrown by their reaction.
From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries
to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
"Prepare foul beast."
He clears his throat and tries to get back into character.
PRINCE CHARMING
(SINGING)
"Prepare foul beast, your time is
done."
SHREK
Oooh, if you don’t mind could you
kill me, and then sing?
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106.
The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek’s face.
PRINCE CHARMING
Be quiet!
SHREK
Oh, come on, I’m just havin’ fun
with ya. That’s actually a very
nice leotard.
PRINCE CHARMING
Thank you.
SHREK
Do they come in men’s sizes?
The audience laughs again.
HOOK
He, he. Now that be funny.
The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he’s
screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious.
PRINCE CHARMING
ENOUGH!
The crowd falls silent.
Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now you’ll finally know what it’s
like to have everything you’ve
worked for, everything that’s
precious to you taken away.
Prince Charming raises his sword.
PRINCE CHARMING (CONT’D)
Now you’ll know how I felt.
Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it.
PRINCE CHARMING
Ahhhhh!
Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies
above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her.
DRAGON
Roar!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107.
The Three Pigs come running down the aisle.
PIG #1
Sausage Roll!!
The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and
roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They
strike a fighting pose.
Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a
flurry of kung-fu hands.
The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the
others.
WOLF
Arg.
Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel’s
hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end
catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls
into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man.
Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair
net. She runs off crying.
Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded.
Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon
and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage.
Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’s body)
Pray for mercy from…
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
…Puss!
He claps his hooves on the stage.
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
And Donkey!
He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio’s bottom.
PINOCCHIO
(re: his bottom)
Hey.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108.
The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with
Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them
with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with
a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce
poses and stand next to Shrek.
The audience applauds.
Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to
the floor, revealing Fiona.
FIONA
Hi honey! Sorry we’re late. You
okay?
SHREK
Much better, now that you’re here.
AUDIENCE
Awwwwwww!
The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming
raising his shackled wrists.
SHREK
So Charming, you wanna let me out
of these so we can settle this ogre
to man?
Prince Charming considers this for a second.
PRINCE CHARMING
Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have
a better idea!
Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his
hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking
Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly.
The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their
brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a
knife to her throat.
The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is
suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum-
ball.
Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded
by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up.
SHREK
Fiona!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109.
FIONA
No! Let go of me!
Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it’s no
use.
Prince Charming’s eyes narrow.
PRINCE CHARMING
You will not ruin things this time
ogre.
(TO VILLAINS)
Kill it!
Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As
the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in
their eyes, stopping them in their tracks.
ARTIE
Everybody stop!
PRINCE CHARMING
(EXASPERATED)
Oh, what is it now?
SHREK
Artie?
Artie jumps from the spotlight.
Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud.
Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience
stares in awe.
After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub’s cable,
sending the little person up in the air.
Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek.
He stands facing the Villains.
ARTIE
Who really thinks we need to settle
things this way?
The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The
other Villains follow suit.
ARTIE
You’re telling me you just want to
be Villains your whole lives?
This gives the Villains pause.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110.
CAPTAIN HOOK
But we are Villains. It’s the only
thing we know.
ARTIE
Didn’t you ever wish you could be
something else?
The Villains aren’t convinced.
EVIL TREE #2
Well, it’s easy for you to say.
You’re not some evil enchanted
tree.
PRINCE CHARMING
You morons! Don’t listen to him!
ATTACK THEM-
Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming’s mouth and then
motions to Artie.
EVIL TREE #1
What Steve’s trying to say here is
that it’s hard to come by honest
work when the whole world’s against
you.
EVIL TREE #2
Right, thanks Ed.
ARTIE
Okay, fair enough. You’re right.
I’m not a talking tree. But, ya
know, a good friend of mine once
told me that just because people
treat you like a villain, or an
ogre…
Artie shares a look with Shrek.
ARTIE
… or just some loser…
The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
…it doesn’t mean you are one.
The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles
to break free.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
The thing that matters most is what
you think of yourself.
Artie commands the stage.
ARTIE (CONT’D)
If there’s something you really
want, or there’s someone you really
want to be, then the only person
standing in your way …is you.
Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him.
Rumplestiltskin is alarmed.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN
Me?
OTHER PIRATES
Get `im lads!
ARTIE
No, no, no! What I mean is: each
of you is standing in your own way!
VILLAINS
Oooooooh!
The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd.
HEADLESS HORSEMAN
I’ve always wanted to play the
flute.
The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other.
The Evil Queen steps up.
EVIL QUEEN
I`d like to open up a spa in
France.
The Villains nod in agreement.
CAPTAIN HOOK
I grow daffodils!
Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook.
CAPTAIN HOOK
And they’re beautiful!
Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it
down.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112.
The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and
Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking
about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from
him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone
else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and
shaking hands.
Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is
untied.
Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw.
Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the
jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.
Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree
and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and
raises it up, his aim set at Artie.
PRINCE CHARMING
Aaaahhhh!
Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As
Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break
his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain
whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls
Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious,
he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets
go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him,
and falls to the floor, groaning.
Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience.
PRINCE CHARMING
A new era finally begins!
The audience cowers.
Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie.
PRINCE CHARMING
Now, all of you, bow before your
king!
Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat.
SHREK
Ah-hem.
Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he
was never really stabbed.
SHREK (CONT’D)
You need to work on your aim.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113.
Charming is stunned.
PRINCE CHARMING
This was supposed to be my happily
ever after.
Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs
him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet.
He winces, but is still defiant.
SHREK
Well I guess you need to keep
looking…
Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles.
SHREK
…cause I’m not giving up mine.
Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She
casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls
over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling
toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses’s
window.
PRINCE CHARMING
Mommy?
It crashes down and he’s trapped inside.
As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie
stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up.
SHREK
It’s yours if you want it, you
know, but this time it’s your
choice.
Artie considers it.
He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him.
Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them.
They cheer him.
Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In
the audience, Raul sobs with joy.
ALL
Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114.
Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put
Artie up on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and
Puss, still in each other’s bodies, watch as Artie gets
carried away.
In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around
confused, clutching his show ticket.
MERLIN
Uh, excuse me, that’s my seat.
Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as
Donkey and Puss confront him.
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The
time has come to rectify some
wrongs!
DONKEY
(in Puss’ body)
Although I have been enjoying these
"cat baths."
PUSS
(in Donkey’s body)
Please say you didn’t.
MERLIN
Uh… alright, alright…look..
Merlin rubs his hands together.
MERLIN
You’re gonna feel a little pinch,
and possibly some lower intestinal
discomfort, but this should do the
trick.
Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the
magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a
moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other
cautiously.
PUSS
Are you..?
Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully.
DONKEY
I’m me again!
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115.
Puss checks out his own paws.
PUSS
And I am not you!
Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug.
DONKEY
Alright!
The two of them turn and walk away together.
Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his
eyes grow wide.
MERLIN
Oops. Ah, never mind.
We see that Donkey still has Puss’ tail and Puss had
Donkey’s. Merlin slips away.
Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance.
SHREK
What’d I tell ya? I think the
kid’s going to be a great King.
FIONA
Well, for what it’s worth, you
would have too.
Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona’s belly.
SHREK
I have something much more
important in mind.
They kiss.
The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around
Shrek and Fiona as they kiss.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING
A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116.
INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of
slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona
by the fire.
SHREK
Ah, finally.
Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple
on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona’s lap.
OGRE BABIES
Da da.
A third ogre baby appears at Shrek’s feet. He bends down to
pick him up.
One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the
babies and Fiona a hug.
The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey.
DONKEY
Hey! I smell Shrek Jr.
The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in
through the door.
Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at
changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby
goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is
holding. She smiles at Shrek.
The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and
dirty diapers.
Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his
mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in
Puss’ mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes
crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss’ tail. A tug
of war ensues.
The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat
from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the
water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs.
Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre
laughs.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117.
DONKEY
Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo.
A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek’s ear. The baby uses
the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper.
QUEEN
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy.
The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes
and the Queen smiles.
There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor
holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk.
Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey’s mouth.
DONKEY
Hey.
Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf.
NANNY DWARF
Where’s the baby?
Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf’s mouth and slams the
door.
CUT TO:
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY
Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made
out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself.
The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by,
spraying mud everywhere.
CUT TO:
INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING
Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect
unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third
baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss.
Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to
Fiona.
Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118.
Fiona stands holding one baby over her shoulder. She catches
the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in
Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on
her foot and puts the gourd in the baby’s mouth.
Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps.
Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A
Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre
baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect
into the fireplace.
Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed.
SHREK
Well, what shall we do now?
CUT TO:
INT. SHREK AND FIONA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
A baby starts to cry.
SHREK
(SIGHS)
I got it.
The camera trucks out.
THE END