Soul (2020)/Transcript

[The Disney logo appears along with the playing of some-what off-key jazz rendition of the anthem called "When You Wish Upon a Star", known as the famous theme, blared out in a raggedy fashion by a brass band, replete with noisy trumpets, squalling saxophones, and tailgate trombone. Once the song was done, the screen fades to black. Then the Pixar Animation Studios logo appears.]
Joe Gardner: [over the speakers] All right, let's try something else. [He taps the stick, but the instruments stop playing discordantly.] Uh... from the top. Ready? One, two, three... [The students play the standard jazzy intro rendition discordantly of Mercer Ellington's "Things Ain't What They Used to Be".]

[Now the film begins as we cut from black to Joe Gardner, a passionate, well-dressed middle-aged man, conducting an off-key middle school band. He's painfully bad behind a sheet music stand, but he rhythmically counts as the paper airplane glides across the classroom inside, just like origami.]
Joe Gardner: One, two, three, four. Stay on the beat! Two, three, four... [He watches the students play in the classroom, just like the genre of the blues. A kid's trombone slide flies off as he knocks down the sheet music, which lands on the floor with a clank.] That's C-sharp, horns! [A trumpeter uses his horn blowing sharply as he vacuums M&Ms from the floor.] Two, three… I see you, Caleb. [Caleb, a saxophonist, pretends to play while actually on his iPhone. Startled, Caleb tosses the phone into a neighboring student's sax.] Rachel, now you!
Rachel: [She lies across a few chairs.] Forgot my sax, Mr. G.
Joe Gardner: Okay, she forgot her sax. And now-- all you, Connie. Go for it! [He motions to Connie, a Chinese American girl holding a trombone. She's his last hope. Connie plays her improvised solo, strong and passionate. He smiles.]
Caleb: Way to go!
[When the song froze, some of the other kids start giggling, and Connie's confidence and playing suddenly wilts. She sits down in the seat. Joe taps his music stand whence the kids quiet down.]
Joe Gardner: Hang on, hang on. What are y'all laughing at? So Connie got a little lost in it. That's a good thing. [Cut briefly to Connie stewing in her seat, embarrassed, as he addresses the class, then back. He walks to the piano and starts playing while he explains.] Look, I remember one time my dad took me to this jazz club, and that’s the last place I wanted to be. But then I see this guy, [He starts playing the chords on the keys.] and he’s playing these chords with fourths on it, and then with the minor... [playing the minor keys] Oh, oh, whoo! Then he adds the inner voices, [playing cascading notes] and it's like he’s... it's like he’s singing. And I swear, the next thing I know, it’s like he floats off the stage. [playing melodious trilling notes] That guy was lost in the music. He was in it, and he took the rest of us with him. [He finishes with a beautiful, dreamy flourish. The other fellow people watch. Connie watches the piano playing, memorized and captivated. His fingers glide over the keys.] And I wanted to learn... [playing the chords] how to talk like that. That’s when I knew... I was born to play. [beat as he plays an ascending scale] Connie knows what I mean. Right, Connie?
Connie: I'm twelve.
[A knock on the classroom door interrupts. Principal Arroyo waves at Joe.]
Joe Gardner: I'll be right back. Practice your scales. [Few moments later, he pops into the hall to speak with Principal Arroyo as students with instruments playing bad scales emanating from the classroom behind him.]
Principal Arroyo: Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Gardner.
Joe Gardner: [chuckles] You’re doing my ears a favor.
[Caleb exits the class doorway behind Joe.]
Caleb: Hey!
Joe Gardner: Not you, though, you’re good. [He whispers as Kaleb leaves.] He’s not. [The principal chuckles.] What can I do for you, Principal Arroyo?
Principal Arroyo: I wanted to deliver the good news personally! [She hands him a letter.] No more part-time for you. You’re now our full-time band teacher. Job security. Medical insurance. Pension.
Joe Gardner: Wow. That’s, uh, great.
Principal Arroyo: Welcome to the M.S. 70 family, Joe. Permanently.
Joe Gardner: Thanks. [He forces a smile. He reenters the classroom and sadly looks at the wall, covered with photos of jazz greats whence the instruments continue playing discordantly.]

[A busy tailor shop bustles with activity. Libba, Joe’s mother, hems a dress on a customer. Libba’s assistants, Melba and Lulu, work away at sewing machines. Joe is folding his laundry, poorly.]
Libba Gardner: After all these years, my prayers have been answered. A full-time job.
Lulu: Wonderful, wonderful!
Melba: Working man, coming through.
Joe Gardner: Yeah, Mom, but I… [He rolls each piece of clothing and places it in the basket.]
Libba Gardner: You’re going to tell them yes, right?
Joe Gardner: Don’t worry, Mom, I got a plan.
Libba Gardner: You always got a plan. [She begins poking the customer with pins as she talks.]
Customer: Ow!
Libba Gardner: Maybe you need to have a backup plan, too...
Customer: Ow!
Libba Gardner: ...for when your plan falls through.
Melba: A backup plan never hurts.
Lulu: Mmmhmm.
Joe Gardner: [sighs]
Libba Gardner: Joey, we didn’t struggle giving you an education so you could be a middle-aged man washing your underwear in my shop. [She holds up an pair embarrassing underwear from Joe’s laundry basket.]
Melba: Mm, Mmm, Mmm.
Lulu: [at sight of underwear] ...walking around with a hole in his pants... [She grabs the undies and checks them out, shaking her head.]
Joe Gardner: Yeah, but… [He snatches the underwear and throws them back into his basket.]
Libba Gardner: With this job, you’ll be able to put that dead-end gigging behind you. And Lord knows we need more teachers in this world. And just think, playing music will finally be your real career. So you’re going to tell them yes, right? [Joe protests her.]
Customer: [pleading] Please, say yes.
Joe Gardner: [He closes his mouth.] Yeah. Definitely.
Libba Gardner: Good.
[Joe sighs. His jazz ringtone plays on his phone. He fishes it out an answers.]
Joe Gardner: Hello?
Curley: [over speakers] How you been, Mr. G? Uh, it’s Curley. Lamont. Lamont Baker.
Joe Gardner: [He turns away from Libba as she tends to the customer.] Hey, Curley! Hey, good to hear your voice, man. Uh… Listen. You can call me Joe now, Curley. I’m not your teacher anymore.
Curley: [over speakers] Oh, okay, Mr. Gardner. Hey, look, I’m the new drummer in the Dorothea Williams Quartet, and we’re kickin’ off our tour with a show at The Half Note tonight.
Joe Gardner: Dorothea Williams?! Are you kidding me? Congratulations, man. Wow! I would die a happy man if I could perform with Dorothea Williams.
Curley: [over speakers] Oh, well, this could be your lucky day!
[Joe sprints down the street, weaving between New Yorkers. He comes up to a brick building -- the renowned half note jazz club. Joe catches his breath as he walks down the stairs. Photos of jazz greats line the wall. He gazes at them, taking off his hat in reverence. Deep in the club we hear a jazz band warming up. Curley Baker, a burley drummer in his 20s, meets Joe.
Curley: Whew, there he is.
Joe Gardner: Hey, Curley.
Curley: Leon skipping town really put us in a bind, man.
Joe Gardner: Yeah. Uh, I’ll bet.
Curley: I’m glad you made it. My boy, Bishop, said he sat in with you on a set last year in Brooklyn. Said you were great.
Joe Gardner: [chuckles] Well, you know, for a coffee shop.
[They enter the small club. A low-lit New York treasure filled with mood and history. Warming up on stage with her sax is Dorothea Williams, the regal, no-nonsense leader of the Dorothea Williams Quartet. Joe looks on in amazement as she plays. It’s effortless and tight. They respectfully wait for an opening.]
Curley: Hey, Dorothea. This is the cat I was telling you about. My old middle school band teacher, Mr. Gardner.
Joe Gardner: Call me Joe, Dorothea. Uh… Uh, I mean, Miss Williams. It’s a pleasure. Wow. This is amazing.
Curley: [not impressed] Uh, Joe is Ray Gardner’s son.
Dorothea Williams: So, we’re down to middle school band teachers now. [She rises from her chair.] Get on up here, Teach, we ain’t got all day.
[Joe barely sits down at the piano when Dorothea starts playing. The bassist, Miho Akagi, and drummer Curley join without missing a beat.]
Joe Gardner: [He is confused as Dorothea did not answer.] What… What are we playin’? [He misses a few beats but jumps into the music, trying to keep up and figure out where the music is going. He finally eases into the tune when Dorothea stops playing and points to him -- a signal for Joe to solo. She looks off stage and listens. Joe takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and concentrates on the keys. The music flows into an incredible solo. The room slips away as Joe goes into the zone, a place we’ll come to know as the Astral Plane. He finally comes out of his trance, and looks up to see the band has stopped playing. Everyone is staring at him. He thinks he's doomed.] Uh, sorry. I zoned out a little back there. [chuckles]
Dorothea Williams: [He finally stares to him] Joe Gardner, where have you been?
Joe Gardner: I’ve been, uh, teaching, middle school band. Uh, but on the weekends, I…
Dorothea Williams: You got a suit?
Joe Gardner: Uh…
Dorothea Williams: Get a suit, Teach. A good suit. Back here tonight. First show’s at 9:00. Soundcheck’s at 7:00. We’ll see how you do. [She walks offstage.]
Joe Gardner: [He explodes out of the club.] Yes! Whoo-hoo! [at the sky] You see that, Dad? That’s what I’m talking about! [A man passes by with a stroller. He runs up to him, pointing up at the Half Note marquee.] Hey, look up, look up. You know what that’s gonna say? Joe Gardner! Ha ha! [He dances around him and heads down the street. Cut to him turning the corner, still on his cell phone.]
Joe Gardner: You’re never gonna believe what just happened. I did it. I got the gig. Yes! [He is on his phone, spreading the good news, oblivious to the city around him.] I… I know. Dorothea Williams! Can you believe it? [He walks right under a huge pallet of bricks as it’s lifted into the air. A bunch of bricks fall, just missing him.]
Construction Worker: Hey, pal, you’re gonna get hurt!
Joe Gardner: [He didn't hear her. He absently steps into traffic.] Just don’t tell my mom about this. Okay? [A huge bus misses him by inches. He doesn’t notice. Still oblivious, he walks through a sidewalk littered with split banana peels, then through a pile of overturned nails. Amazingly, he avoids disaster while on his phone:] Forget class. I’m in a different class. I’m in a Dorothea Williams class, buddy. You know what I’m saying? I’m…
[Joe turns a corner, phone still to his ear. He nearly runs into an old man with an angry dog. The dog lunges at Joe, barking in the street corner.]
Joe Gardner: Whoa! [He turns on his heel to avoid the dog. He starts walking into the middle of the street. A motorcycle narrowly misses him. Confident he missed death, he takes a step forward... and falls right into a manhole.] [screaming] [He lands with a thud on a moving slidewalk, akin to those in airports. He’s now a LUMINOUS SOUL. Joe looks into the darkness, then notices his hands and feet are different, glowing.] What the… [He looks around, confused. He echoes.] Hello? Hello? [He looks to where the slidewalk is headed: A Giant White Light in the near distance -- The Great Beyond!] Joe Gardner: What the… [He turns and walks the other way. But the sliding walkway counteracts Joe, causing him to walk in place. He looks behind him. The Great Beyond is still there. Joe gasps, turns and runs.] Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hello! [In the distance he sees three figures standing on the slidewalk. He runs to them.] Hello!
Gerel: [sighs] Hello. Oh, what’s your name, honey?
Joe Gardner: Uh, I’m Joe. Joe Gardner. Look, I’m not supposed to be here.
[The others look at each other.]
Gerel: Ah. Must have been sudden for you. [approaching to Joe] You see, Joe, I’m 106 years old. Been waiting a long time for this.
Joe Gardner: For what?
Gerel: [pointing ahead] The Great Beyond.
Joe Gardner: The Great Beyond? As in, as in beyond... life?
Amir: Yeah.
Joe Gardner: That’s death right there?
Miali: [speaking inuktitut which subtitled] This beats my dream about the walrus.
Gerel: [in English] Exciting, isn’t it?
Joe Gardner: No, no, no, listen. I have a gig tonight. I can’t die now.
Amir: [chuckles] Well, I really don’t think you have a lot to say about this.
Joe Gardner: Yes. Yes, I do. I’m not dying the very day I got my shot. I’m due. Heck, I’m overdue. Uh-uh, uh-uh. I’m outta here. [He walks away from them.]
Gerel: I don’t think you’re supposed to go that way.
[Joe keeps walking, against the slidewalk’s flow.]
Joe Gardner: [to himself] This can’t happen. I’m not dyin’ today. Not when my life just started. [He turns to see where the three other souls went. The slidewalk climbs up into the distance, into the white maw of the Great Beyond. The trio of souls ascend into it, then disappear with a crackle, freaking out.] What was that? Wait. [He bolts, running desperately against the slidewalk’s flow.] I’m not finished. I gotta get back. I don’t wanna die! I’m not done. I’m not done. [He comes to another soul, Winston, strangely disinterested.] Run! Why aren’t you running?
Winston: I don’t know.
Joe Gardner: What’s wrong with you people?
Winston: [shrugs] I don’t know.
[Joe keeps running. He passes another Korean lady soul, Jang-Mi.]
Jang-Mi: Where are my pants?
[Joe runs into a crowd of souls. Some are blissfully aware and unaware, some freaking out in their own way, and in other languages.]
Joe Gardner: I’m not done. [Panicked, he tries pushing through them.] Ahh! [crackling continues, gasps] Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Excuse me. [panting] Help! I’m not done. I gotta get back. Oh, my… Oh, my goodness.
[Finally, Joe jumps onto their heads and runs. But the Great Beyond grows even closer. Finally he tries launching himself off the slidewalk completely. But he smacks against a cellophane-like barrier. Just in front, souls are being zapped into the Great Beyond by the handfuls. It’s nearly his turn! Joe claws at the barrier, screaming, desperate! Finally he rips through it and falls.]
[Cut to opening a portal, dropping Joe in what appears to be tall grass. He watches as the portal closes above him. He slowly gets up and looks around another world. Beautiful buildings, Elysian fields and glowing crowds of strange, fuzzy beings -- new souls. A rambunctious group of them are gathered around a counselor, a taller, ethereal being that looks vaguely human. The Counselor spots Joe. He quickly ducks down. But too late. One of the new souls finds him and pokes his face, laughing. Joe pushes it away, but other new souls arrive, surrounding him. One bites him.]
Joe Gardner: What? [crunches] Ow!
[The Counselor, Jerry, appears as the new souls toss Joe into the air happily.]
Counselor Jerry: Now, now, everyone, let’s give the mentor some room. [more, to Joe] Sorry, new souls. [The souls continue to crowd Joe. One pulls at his mouth.] 37, that’s enough. Hey, everyone, look here. [sing-songy] Quiet coyote. Shh. Quiet coyote. [Like a kindergarten teacher, she holds up two fingers. Immediately the other souls mimic her and quiet down.]
Joe Gardner: Who… Who are you?
Counselor Jerry A: I am the coming together of all quantized fields of the universe. Appearing in a form your feeble human brain can comprehend.
Joe Gardner: What?
Counselor Jerry A: You can call me Jerry.
Joe Gardner: Jerry, okay. Uh, hey, is this heaven?
Counselor Jerry A: [laughs] No.
Joe Gardner: [cautious] Is it H-E-double hockey sticks?
[A new soul pops up over Joe’s shoulder.]
New Soul: Hell.
New Souls: Hell, hell, hell!
Counselor Jerry A: Shh. Quiet coyote. [to Joe] It’s easy to get turned around. This isn’t the Great Beyond. It’s the Great Before.
Joe Gardner: The Great Before?
Counselor Jerry A: Oh. We call it the You Seminar now. Rebranding.
[Joe takes in the odd surroundings, filled with playful new souls.]
New Soul 1: Hell.
New Soul 2: No, no. You’re here!
New Souls: [giggling]
Joe Gardner: Does this mean I’m dead?
Counselor Jerry A: Not yet. Your body’s in a holding pattern. It’s complicated. I’ll get you back to your group. [gasps]
[Jerry mutates into a bizarre, four-legged bus. The Counselor scoops up Joe with a giant hand, setting him in a chair on top.]
Joe Gardner: [whimpers]
Counselor Jerry A: Come on, little souls, get on up here. [The Counselor gathers the other souls and carries them through the strange campus. The impressionable new souls are still infatuated with Joe even as he tries to process his surroundings.] Welcome to the You Seminar. You are in for a treat.
[Meanwhile, a pair of Counselors are watching the deceased souls pour from the slidewalk into The Great Beyond. While one Counselor is another Jerry, the other is shorter, angrier, and holds a huge abacus. The Counselor uses it with lightening precision to count every soul that enters the white light. This is Terry, the accountant. Suddenly, Terry stops counting.]
Terry: Hmmm, that's weird.
Counselor Jerry E: What is it?
Terry: The count's off.
Counselor Jerry E: Excuse me?
Terry: There’s a soul missing. The count’s off.
Counselor Jerry E: Huh...
[Jerry (in bus form) continues to walk Joe and the new souls across campus.]
Counselor Jerry A: Okay, first stop is the Excitable Pavilion. You four. In you go!
[The new souls zoom into a glistening Personality Pavilion. They emerge from the other side, now excited.]
New Souls: [laughing excitedly]
Counselor Jerry A: You five, you’ll be aloof. And you two, why not?
[The new souls enter another pavilion, emerging aloof.]
Joe Gardner: Oh, wait a minute. This is where personalities come from?
Counselor Jerry A: Of course. Do you think people are just born with them?
Joe Gardner: [as he hears an indistinct chatter] So, uh, how do they get to Earth, then?
Counselor Jerry A: Well, they use the Earth portal. [She points. In the distance Joe sees a large, circular hole in the ground. Through it, Earth beckons! At the portal’s edge new souls jump to Earth.] Once they get a complete personality, of course. [Joe is gone.] Hello? Hello?
[Joe sprints towards the portal. All around him new souls jump to Earth below as Mentors cheer them on.]
New Soul: Goodbye.
New Soul 2: Whee!
Joe Gardner: Whoo-hoo! [laughing excitedly] [whooshing] [yelps] Wait, wait, wait.
Mentors: Congratulations! You’re going to have a great life!
[Joe jumps. He free-falls along with several new souls toward the beautiful globe below, laughing and cherring at the thrill ride. But as the new souls continue down towards the Earth and disappear, Joe bounces off a weird, invisible barrier. He careens through space and is delivered right back to the You Seminar. Joe tries to jump again. And again! Frustrated, he grabs a new soul and jumps with them, hoping to sneak into Earth behind it. But Joe is again spit back into the You Seminar. Finally, he just stares down at the Earth, frustrated. Counselor Jerry A finds him.]
Counselor Jerry A: [chuckles] You sure get lost a lot.
[Jerry brings Joe to where a group of older souls like him are gathered around a table, looking for their pre-printed name tag. These are mentors. Another Counselor Jerry gives instructions.]
Counsellor Jerry D: All righty, mentors. Just find your name here...
[The Counselor ushering Joe steps forward.]
Counselor Jerry A: Hello, Jerry...
Counsellor Jerry D: ...and join us inside.
Counselor Jerry A: ...got a lost mentor for you.
Joe Gardner: Thanks, Jerry. Uh, look, I'm not sure I'm supposed to be here.
Counselor Jerry A: I understand. Mentoring isn't for everyone. You're more than welcome to opt out.
[The Counselor opens a portal straight to The Great Beyond.]
Joe Gardner: [gasps] Actually, on second thought, you know, the mentoring sounds like fun. [He quickly grabs any name tag from the table and follows the group.]
Counselor Jerry A: I'm glad to hear it. Jerry will take it from here.
Counsellor Jerry D: Thanks, Jerry. [to Joe] Head right on over there to Jerry.
Counsellor Jerry F: Thank you, Jerry.
Joe Gardner: Is everyone here named Jerry?
[The first Counselor watches Joe leave.]
Counselor Jerry A: Good luck!
[Terry the Accountant appears out of a portal.]
Terry: Jerry, we've got a problem.
Counselor Jerry A: Oh, hello, there, Terry.
Terry: The count's off.
Counselor Jerry A: [chuckles] I seriously doubt that. The count hasn't been off in centuries.
[Terry produces the large abacus, using it to make her point.]
Terry: 151,000 souls go into the Great Beyond every day. That's 105.2 souls per minute, Jerry. 1.75 souls per second. And I count every single one of 'em.
Counselor Jerry A: Yep. I'm aware.
Terry: It's my job to keep track of this stuff, Jerry. I'm the accountant.
Counselor Jerry A: And we all think you're doing a wonderful job, don't we, everyone?
[The other Counselors somewhat agree.]
Counsellor Jerry E: I'd say no.
Terry: I'm always counting. I'm counting right now. You blinked five times since I started talking. Six.
Counselor Jerry A: Right. Since accounting is your job, why don't you figure out the problem?
Terry: Maybe I will.
Counselor Jerry A: Wonderful.
[The Counselor vanishes. Terry angrily stalks off to the Hall of Records. She’s greeted by another Jerry.]
Counsellor Jerry: Hello again, Terry.
Terry: Don't play dumb with me. [He opens the first file cabinet, cracks her fingers and gets ready.] Okay, here we go. [knuckles crack] "A." [He flips through the files, her fingers almost moving too fast for the eye to see. At this rate, it seems like it won’t take her very long.]
[However, an epic pull out reveals that the file cabinets stretch on endlessly, vanishing into the horizon. This is going to take a while. Joe steps into the theater as an instructional video begins. Other Mentors watch from stadium seats. In a scratchy, well-worn corporate video on screen, a Counselor explains.]
Counselor Jerry C: Hello, there, Mentors. I'm Jerry, a counselor here at the You Seminar. Now you don't remember it, but you've been here before. But don't worry, forgetting the trauma of childbirth is one of the great gifts of the universe. [Joe finds a seat and watches her.] Here at the You Seminar, all new souls are given unique and individual personalities.
[New Souls testify to the camera, while holding up their Personality Profiles - a badge filled with circular icons identifying which Personality Pavilions they’ve visited. On each badge one circle is still empty.]
New Soul 1: I'm an agreeable skeptic who's cautious yet flamboyant.
New Soul 2: I'm an irritable wallflower who's dangerously curious.
New Soul 3: I'm a manipulative megalomaniac who's intensely opportunistic.
Counselor Jerry: Oh-ho, this one might be a handful. But that's Earth's problem. [Joe takes this all in.] You'll notice these souls are all missing something. [The Counselor points to the last empty circle on a soul’s unfinished badge.] What goes in this spot? Well, these souls need their "spark." And that's where you come in.
[We cut to the video continuing by showcasing an immense space filled with everything on Earth.]
Counselor Jerry: [over speakers] Maybe you will find their spark in the Hall of Everything, where literally anything on Earth could inspire.
[We see a new soul shoot an arrow from a bow and become inspired. Their last box fills in with their Spark and the badge turns into an Earth Pass. Cut to The Hall of You: a mentor ushers a new soul around a museum featuring moments from the mentor’s extraordinary life.]
Counselor Jerry: [over speakers] Or perhaps you'll prefer the "Hall of You", featuring a selection of moments from your own inspiring life.
[The new soul’s badge becomes an Earth Pass. Back in the theater, Joe’s eyes go wide as he gets an idea.]
Counselor Jerry: And just what is this Spark? Well as mentors, you’ve already learned that..
[But Joe isn’t listening. Instead, he imagines his plan; his daydream.]
[In the Hall of Everything, Joe plays a lively tune on a piano for a new soul. In no time, the soul is inspired and its badge turns into an Earth Pass! Joe smiles, not surprised. Without a thought, Joe yanks the Earth Pass away, tosses the new soul into the piano, and jumps straight to Earth. Back in New York, he lands back in his stricken body. It jolts back to life. Joe launches out of the manhole, runs straight to his performance with Dorothea Williams, and receives the applause of the entire city. As the video ends, Joe smiles assuredly back in the theater.]
Counselor Jerry B: I know you're all excited to get to work, so good luck finding the spark. [applause]
Joe Gardner: [to himself] Find the spark!
[The lights come on. Another Counselor steps onto the stage.]
Counselor Jerry B: Wow, that was informative. Now, it's time for my favorite part of the program, matching you mentors with your soul mates. [A group of giggling new souls make their way towards the stage as the Counselor looks into the audience of Mentors.] Our first mentor is Maria Martinez. Maria, come on down. [Polite applause as Maria steps on the stage.] Maria was a rare disease specialist from the University of Mexico.
[In a doctor's office on the screen, the human form of Dr. Maria Martinez successfully treats a patient.]
Patient: I'm cured. I'm cured. [laughs]
[The other mentors applaud, impressed.]
Counselor Jerry B: She'll be matched with one of my favorites, soul number 108 billion, 210 million, 121 thousand, four hundred and 15. [The adorable and cute new soul steps on stage. The new soul and Maria embrace, giggle, and walk off hand in hand.] Congratulations! Off you go. Our next mentor is Bjorn T. Börgensson. [Immediate applause. Everyone looks at Joe. He’s confused, until he reads his name tag: Dr. Börgensson. Joe rushes up on stage.] Dr. Börgensson is a world-renowned child psychologist who was recently awarded a Nobel Prize.
[In a pyschologist's office, Greta, a troubled teenager, looks at a Rorschach blot held up by a very different looking Dr. Börgensson.]
Greta: I see pain, death, destruction.
Dr. Börgensson: How about now?
[He flips it the other way.]
Greta: A pretty butterfly.
[The audience of Mentors are extremely impressed. Joe forces a smile.]
Counselor Jerry B: Dr. Börgensson will be matched with soul number 22. [A spotlight shines on an empty spot.] [annoyed] Oh, we're gonna get into this now. Excuse me. [Impossibly, the Counselor descends into the floor, into another dimension. As Joe watches the empty stage he hears over the speakers.] 22, you come out of this dimension right now.

22: [over speakers, grunts] How many times do I have to tell you? I don't wanna go to Earth. [The objects clatter.]
Counselor Jerry B: [over speakers] Stop fighting this, 22.
22: [over speakers] I don't wanna.
Counselor Jerry B: [over speakers] You will go to Earth and have a life.
22: [over speakers] Make me!
[Off-screen we hear the sounds of running and grabbing. Something breaks. Finally, Jerry’s upper half emerges from the other dimension, wrestling with a soul who doesn’t want to come out.]
Counselor Jerry B: 22 has been at the You Seminar for quite some time and has had such notable mentors as Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, and Mother Teresa.
[Finally, Jerry yanks 22 out of the dimension. 22 struggles in the Counselor’s arms like a wildcat.]
22: [laughing] I made her cry.
Counselor Jerry B: Ignore that.
22: Put me down! Hey! Quit it!
Counselor Jerry B: We’re truly glad to have you here, Dr. Börgensson. [grunts, as 22 whimpers] It is an honor having you prepare 22 for Earth.
[The Counselor struggles to hold 22 who melts in his arms like a belligerent toddler. 22 glares at Joe.]
22: I’m gonna make you wish you never died.
Counselor Jerry B: Most people wish that, 22.
22: [chuckles]
[The Counselor “drapes” 22 over Joe. Before he can protest, the Counselor opens a portal and quickly pushes them out.]
Counselor Jerry B: Off you go. Bye!
[Joe tosses 22 off.]
Joe Gardner: Where are we?
Dr. Börgensson: That’s great progress. You should be very proud. Step by step. In celebration of Dr. Börgensson’s body of work, we are pleased to present him this honorary… These past few weeks, I have seen such growth. So many people I’d like to thank, of course.
[Joe gawks at the room they are now in -- it’s the Hall of Dr. Börgensson! The museum-like displays are filled with pop-up moments of Dr. Börgensson’s illustrious life. Glass-encased exhibits hold artifacts and awards while holograms recreating his greatest successes play on an endless loop.]
22: Okay, look, I’m sure your life was amazing and you did amazing things, but here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna stand here in silence for a little bit, then we go back out, you say you tried, I go back to not living my non-life and you go to the Great Beyond.
Joe Gardner: No, look...
22: Talk all you want, Bjorn. It’s not gonna work, anyway. I’ve had thousands of mentors who failed and now hate me. Mother Teresa…
[In The You Seminar, 22 drives the soul of Mother Teresa crazy.]
Mother Teresa: I have compassion for every soul. Except you. I don’t like you.
[Cut in to the hall of everything, Copernicus is furious at 22.]
22: Copernicus…
Copernicus: The world doesn’t revolve around you, 22.
22: Muhammad Ali…
[Muhammad Ali has also had it with 22.]
Muhammad Ali: You are the greatest pain in the butt.
[In the Hall of Everything, the disembodied head of Marie Antoinette yells at 22]
22: Marie Antoinette…
Marie Antoinette: Nobody can help you! Nobody!
[Back in the hall of Dr. Börgensson, 22 continues to Joe.]
22: Thanks, but no thanks, Doc. I already know everything about Earth, and it’s not worth the trouble.
Joe Gardner: Come on, don’t you want to fill out your pass?
22: [sighs] You know, I’m comfortable up here. I have my routine. I float in mist, I do my Sudoku puzzles, and then, like, once a week, they make me come to one of these You Seminars. It’s not great, but I know what to expect.
Joe Gardner: Look, kid, I’m not… Can I just be honest with you? I’m not Bjorn Borgenstein or whatever his name is. I’m not even a mentor.
22: Not a mentor? Ah… [laughing] Reverse psychology. You really are a good shrink, Doctor. Carl Jung already tried that.
[At the You Seminar, Carl Jung fights with 22.]
Carl Jung: Stop talking! My unconscious mind hates you!
Joe Gardner: [grunts frustratedly] Is there any way to show a different life in this place?
[A look of suspicion comes over 22’s face. 22 brings up a control panel from the ground, takes Joe’s hand, and places it flat onto a scanner. All around them, the Dr. Börgensson exhibits vanish. After a flourish of light and sound, 22 and Joe find themselves standing in The Hall of Joe. It dawns on 22:]
22: Wait. You’re really not Bjorn Börgensson?
[Joe looks around at the space. Dr. Börgensson’s awards, citations, and victorious moments have all been replaced with elements of Joe’s life.]
Joe Gardner: It’s my life.
[The museum displays are comprised of much less inspiring, more underwhelming exhibits.]
22: Um, excuse me, what’s going on here? [She points to a display of Binaca Breath Spray and a bottle of cheap Drakkar Noir cologne.] Binaca breath spray? Cheap cologne?
Joe Gardner: Man, who curated this exhibit?
22: [chuckles] You did. [She walks over to a photo of a teenage Joe, awkwardly standing behind a keyboard, next to a much hipper Three-Man Hip Hop Group, listening to Daveed Diggs' Rappin Ced.] Hahahahahahah!
Daveed Diggs: [rapping on TV]
- ♪ I go to Harlem, it’s no problems...
Joe Gardner: [He is mortified.] Oh, my goodness. It’s Cedric’s rap group. No!
Daveed Diggs: [rapping on TV]
- ♪ Now everybody bow down To the Kings of Queens... ♪
Joe Gardner: [He pulls 22 away.] No, don’t look at that stuff. Let’s look over here.
Young Joe Gardner: Dad, I don’t wanna go. I don’t like jazz.
Young Joe's Father: Black improvisational music. It’s one of our great contributions to American culture. At least give it a chance, Joey.
[Joe and 22 watch as Ray brings Young Joe into the club, where a pianist is jamming with his BAND. Young Joe locks in on the pianist as Joe explains to 22.]
Joe Gardner: This is where it all started. This is the moment where I fell in love with jazz. [We see Young Joe enthralled by the pianist’s playing.] Listen to that. See, the tune is just an excuse to bring out the you. [He leads 22 through more of his life.] And that’s why I became a jazz musician.
[But they walk up to a hologram of Joe auditioning for an unimpressed club owner.]
Club Owner 1: It’s not what we’re looking for.
[Confused, Joe walks away as 22 trails him.]
Joe Gardner: Wait a minute, that’s not how I remember it going down. I mean I...
[But they come across more rejection holograms from other club owners.]
Club Owner 2: Come back when you have something.
Club Onwer 3: Sorry, Joe.
Club Owner 4: We’re looking for something different.
[They keep walking through Joe’s life, past holograms of Joe teaching middle school kids, sitting alone in a diner, waiting for a subway. A pathetic monument depicts him washing clothes at the laundromat. Joe is stunned.]
Joe Gardner: Two, three, four. [instruments playing discordantly, pensive music playing] My life was meaningless. [Finally, they come to a hologram of Joe in a hospital bed, unconscious after the fall. This is the current state of his body -- still alive, but soulless. It’s a sad end to what appears to be a depressing life. But as he regards this, he becomes determined as the EKG beeps.] No, no, no. No, I will not accept this. [to 22] Kid, give me that badge. I’m goin’ back to my body.
22: Oh, yeah, sure. Here. [22 removes the badge and hands it to Joe. But it vanishes and returns onto 22. The soul removes it again and tosses it into the distance. Again, it returns. 22 shreds it into pieces, even lights it on fire. But it always materializes back onto the soul.] Unless it becomes an Earth Pass, I’m stuck with it.
Joe Gardner: [sighs] Well, what if I help you turn it into an Earth Pass? Will you give it to me then?
22: Wait… I’ve never thought of that. I’d get to skip life. So, yes! But we gotta get this thing to change first, and I’ve never been able to get it to change.
Joe Gardner: Come on. I know all about sparks. Because mine is piano.
[22 follows Joe through the Hall. They find what he’s looking for: a hologram of Joe’s playing piano for Dorothea Williams - - the moment that was supposed to change his life. Joe looks at 22’s badge, assured it will work. But still no Spark, the circle remains empty.]
Joe Gardner: Really? Nothin’ at all?
22: Eh. Oh, no, not jazz, just music. I don’t like music sounds. It feels like a little too much.
Joe Gardner: [sighs] Well, I’m not going out like this. Where’s that, uh, Hall of Everything? [The Hall of Everything looms in the distance. He and 22 walk toward it, passing the Earth Portal. He leans to Earth into the You Seminar.] [chuckles] I’ll be right back.
22: Don’t get ahead of yourself, pal.
Joe Gardner: By the way, why do you sound like a middle-aged white lady?
22: I don’t. This is all an illusion.
Joe Gardner: Huh?
22: This whole place is a hypothetical. [changes to old man] I could sound like this if I wanted to. [changes to young girl] Or sound like this instead. [changes to normal] I could even sound like you. [22 changes into an exact replica of Joe.] [in Joe's voice] Life is so unfair. I don’t wanna die. Somebody call the wambulance. Wah! [She switches back to normal.] I just use this voice because it annoys people.
Joe Gardner: It’s very effective.
[A ball of new souls rolls past and smacks into a pavilion, which tips over and crashes on top of them.]
22: Don’t worry, they’re fine. You can’t crush a soul here. That’s what life on Earth is for.
Joe Gardner: [He shoots her another look.] Mm hm. Very witty.
[The Hall of Everything is gigantic. Everything on Earth is in here.]
22: Okay. Here we are. This is the Hall of Everything.
Joe Gardner: Whoa!
[Amazed, Joe looks around at all of the activity. New souls are everywhere trying out different tasks from fishing to soccer to photography to basketball. We see some badges turn into Earth Passes. A SOCCER BALL rolls up to Joe’s feet. He kicks it, and it flies over to a new soul standing next to its Mentor. The ball hits it’s head and the new soul’s badge changes to an Earth Pass.]
22: So, where do you want to start?
Joe Gardner: [He looks around the enormous room, filled with literally everything on Earth. He grabs 22 and pulls the soul towards a French bakery.] Come on. [He and 22 tour the aisles into the French Bakery, loaded with every sort of delicious, baked item imaginable.] Croissants, cakes. [He pulls out a steamy slice of pizza.] Baking could be your spark.
22: Yeah! But, um, I don’t get it.
Joe Gardner: Just smell it.
22: Can’t, and neither can you.
Joe Gardner: What? [He sniffs it, gets nothing, but confused.] You’re right. I can’t smell. [He eats the pizza, but it comes out his bottom end, still fully formed.] We can’t… We can’t taste, either?
22: All that stuff is in your body. [She eats a whole slice of pizza. It comes out the other end, still perfect.]
Joe Gardner: No smell, no taste.
22: Or touch. [She slaps him.] See? [She slaps him a second time. And a third. And a fourth, etc. Finally, Joe stops it.]
Joe Gardner: Okay, I get it. Moving on. [22 tries putting out a burning building as a fire fighter into the fire fighting arena.] Isn’t this exciting?
22: The fire is so pretty. I kinda wanna let it spread.
Joe Gardner: [He quickly cancels the idea.] Nope.
22: [She tries painting a portrait of Joe into the art studio, but gives up.] Hands are hard. [She and Joe walk through the stacks into the library.]
Joe Gardner: How about a librarian? They’re cool.
22: Yes, amazing. Who wouldn’t like working at a thankless job you’re always in danger of losing due to budget cuts? Though I do like the idea of randomly shushing people.
Joe Gardner: Look, obviously this isn't…
22: Shh! Oh, yeah, that’s good. [She tries to be a scientist. The experiment explodes but she shrugs, uninterested.] Meh. [She tries being an Olympic gymnast, completing an impressive dismount off the beam. But no Spark.] Meh. [As President, she signs a bill into law. But is still unimpressed.] Meh. [An massive rocket lifts off with her and Joe inside, filling the Hall with smoke. But yet again, over speakers.] Meh.
Joe Gardner: [sighs] [He and 22 leave the Hall. He is more annoyed than ever. 22 is simply bored.] Well, I think that’s everything.
22: Sorry.
Joe Gardner: You told me you’d try.
22: I did. I’m telling the truth. If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a liar. Unlike Abraham Lincoln. [She talks to her mentor.] You’re really okay being on a penny?
Abraham Lincoln: Well, of course. It’s an honor.
22: Okay, but they put Andrew Jackson on the 20.
Abraham Lincoln: [He angrily explodes, throwing his hat on the ground.] JACKSON?!!
22: What can I say, Joe? Earth is boring.
Joe Gardner: Well, what else can we do, then? Because we’re running out of time.
22: Yeah, you know, time’s not really a thing here. [The electronic chimes.]
Counselor Jerry B: Time’s up! Nice try, Bjorn, but no need to feel bad. 22 here can be a bit of a challenge. [She puts 22 on the head.]
22: Even though I can’t feel it, please don’t touch me. [Ignoring her, the Counselor opens a portal to the Great Beyond for Joe.]
Counselor Jerry B: So, let’s get you to the Great Beyond.
Joe Gardner: [gasps]
22: Um, wait. We forgot to try breakdancer. Yeah! I think that’s gonna be my thing. Poppin’ and lockin’. Windmills. Settling my disputes with dance. Can we have one more minute to go back and try breakdancer? Please, Jerry? You look really good today, Jerry.
Counselor Jerry B: Oh, okay. I’ve never seen 22 this enthused. Good for you, Dr. Börgensson.
22: [She waits for the Counselor to disappear.] Run. [She takes off. Joe follows. She runs to an opened cardboard box.] In here. [They emerge inside her secret clubhouse, filled with a collection of random items from Earth. Joe looks around in amazement at all the stuff. Against one wall are thousands of name tags -- all former Mentors of her. She opens a cabinet under a bathroom sink, revealing a mysterious shaft.] Here it is.
Joe Gardner: Where does it lead?
22: Hey, you ask too many questions. How about you zip it for a minute, m’kay?
Joe Gardner: And we’re going there why?
22: ‘Cause I know a guy there. A guy who can help. A guy like you.
Joe Gardner: Like me? As in, alive? [22 nods] Wait, are you actually helping me?
22: Joe, I have been here for who knows how long, and I’ve never seen anything that’s made me want to live. And then, you come along. Your life is sad and pathetic. And you’re working so hard to get back to it.
Joe Gardner: Why? I mean, this I gotta see.
22: Okay, let’s go.
[They crawl inside the shaft.]
[Joe and 22 step onto the Astral Plane. Joe looks around at the bizarre, amazing landscape. The glitter-like dust below their feet rises and lowers gently, like waves on an ocean. Suspended above them are countless souls engrossed in tasks like playing an instrument, writing, swimming, etc. All are in the zone. Joe is in awe.]
Joe Gardner: What is this place?
22: You know how when you humans are really into something and it feels like you’re in another place? Feels like you’re in the zone, right?
Joe Gardner: Yeah.
22: Well, this is the zone. It’s the space between the physical and spiritual.
Joe Gardner: [He gets closer to a soul -- a MUSICIAN deep in the music.] Wait a minute. I was here. Today, doing my audition. This must be where musicians come when they get into a flow.
22: Not just musicians. Watch this. [She picks up some astral dust, packs it into a snowball, and chunks it at an actress performing Shakespeare, hitting her square in the face. The soul “wakes up.”]
Juliet: Ay me! O' Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou... [She suddenly “wakes up” from the zone, confused.] Line!
[In a tattoo parlor, an artist is working on a client when 22 also “wakes” her from the zone. This causes a unfortunate scratch across the client’s back with the tattoo needle.]
Tattoo Artist: Oops.
[Back on the Astral Plane, 22 stands near a New Your Knicks Basketball Player in the zone, dribbling in for the dunk.]
22: Check this out. I have been messing with this team for decades. [She throws another snowball, hitting the player just as he sails through the air.]
[Smash cut to the inside of the basketball arena. The Knicks player “wakes up” in mid-dunk. The ball slams onto the rim as he crumbles to the hardwood. The crowd boos.]
Basketball Announcer: And the Knicks lose another one.
[Smach cut back to the scene.]
Joe Gardner: All right. All right. Where’s this guy you know? I gotta get back to my gig.
22: Okay. I mean, he’s usually down here.
Joe Gardner: What the…
[In the distance they see strange, monstrous beasts mumbling unintelligibly. These are lost souls.]
Creature: Make a trade. Make a trade. Make a trade.
Joe Gardner: What is that?
22: Shh!
[But too late. One creature spots Joe and 22 and runs at them.]
Creature: Make a trade. Make a trade.
22: Run!
Creature: Make a trade, make a trade, make a trade!
[The creature is nearly on them when suddenly a long Lasso twirls around the beast, bringing it to the ground. Joe and 22 stand frozen, unsure what to make of this. They see the rope is attached to a massive galley ship with tye-died sails blaring Bob Dylan music. It “sails” towards them through the astral dust. An anchor is flung over the side, nearly hitting them. Aboard the ship a long-haired, eccentric captain looks down at them. This is Moonwind. A gangblank is dropped. He bounds down it to greet them.]
Moonwind: Oh! Ahoy there, fellow astral travelers. Good to see you again, 22.
22: Moonwind, how are ya?
Moonwind: On the brink of madness, thanks for asking.
22: Hey, got a request for you. [She nudges Joe forward.]
Joe Gardner: Uh, yeah. I’m trying to get back to my body. Can you help me?
Moonwind: That’s what we do. We are the mystics without borders. Devoted to helping the lost souls of Earth find their way. I’m Moonwind Stardancer at your service. [He introduces his mystic crew, now coming down the gangplank.] That’s Windstar Dreamermoon, Dancerstar Windmoon, and that’s Dreamerwind Dreamerdreamer.
Joe Gardner: These weirdos are going to help me get back?
22: Just wait.
[Dancerstar unwraps the now calm Lost Soul from the net.]
Dancerstar: Let’s get this lost soul back home.
Creature: Make a trade. Make a trade. Make a trade.
[The Mystics seat the Lost Soul down and begin dancing and chanting around it. The Lost Soul continues to mumble in incoherently.]
Moonwind: Poor fellow. Some people just can’t let go of their own anxieties and obsessions, leaving them lost and disconnected from life. [playing folk music] And this is the result. [beat] Looks like another hedge fund manager.
[As the Mystics continue the ceremony, the monstrous Lost Soul transforms into the soul of a Hedge Fund Manager. The mumbling turns out to be]
Creature: Make a trade. Make a trade. Make a trade. Make a trade. [in normal voice] Make a trade?
[He looks around as if woken from a nightmare.]
Dancerstar: Now, to reconnect to your earthly body.
[Dreamerwind takes a walking stick and draws a circle in the dust. The dust falls away, revealing a portal to a trading floor. Through it they see the Hedge Fund Manager’s human form surrounded by computers, working a soulless job. The soul recognizes himself.]

Hedge Fund Manager: Whoa. That’s me. Thank you. [The soul jumps through it, landing straight back into his body. He is surrounded by screens dripping with numbers and graphs, “wakes up.”] What am I doing with my life? [Suddenly, he throws the screens off his desk and stands up.] I’m alive! I’m alive! Free yourselves! [laughing] It’s beautiful! [He happily runs out of the office, knocking away the screens and flipping over the desks of his former colleagues.]
[Back to the scene, seeing this excites Joe.]
Joe Gardner: Whoa. He got back just like that? [He grabs the walking stick from Dreamerwind and draws another circle.] So this is all I had to do to get back to my body? [But instead of his human body, the Great Beyond appears.] AAAHHH!
Moonwind: Ahh! Egads, man! [He quickly covers up the hole.] Joe, are you dead?
Joe Gardner: No, no. Well, not yet. Can you help me get back?
Moonwind: We’ve never connected an untethered soul back to its body before. But perhaps if we travel to a thin spot… Yes! All aboard! [He leads them up the gangplank.] Anchors away!
[The ship sails through the sands into the astral plane. Moonwind is at the wheel, as 22 and Joe look on. The other Mystics enjoy tea-time on the main deck.]
Joe Gardner: So if your souls are here, where are your bodies?
Moonwind: Well, on Earth, of course.
Windstar: My body is in a trance in Palawan.
Dancerstar: I’m playing the Saraswati veena in Tibet.
Dreamerwind: I’m a shamanic healer meditating in Berkeley, California.
Joe Gardner: [to Moonwind] Mm-hmm. And let me guess, you’re drumming, chanting, and meditating?
Moonwind: Yes. Something like that.
[Exit to the New York Street Corner, Moonwind’s human body expertly spins a “hot deals” sign on a street corner.]
Moonwind: I’m in New York City, on the corner of 14th and 7th.
Joe Gardner: Oh, yeah, that’s right up from Tony Tony Tonios.
Moonwind: Yes, precisely.
Joe Gardner: And what about you? I thought you hated Earth.
22: Yeah, I’m not stuck with a body. So I can go wherever I want. I’m a nobody, get it?
Moonwind: We mystics meet in this glorious landscape every Tuesday.
[They sail past high mountains, deep valleys, and herds of lost souls. Joe looks down at them.]
Joe Gardner: So many of them. Sad.
Moonwind: You know, lost souls are not that different from those in the zone. [He points at the souls floating above them.]
Joe Gardner: What?
[We see a floating soul with a metal detector, obsessed in the hunt.]
Metal Detector Soul: [muttering] Gottafindit, gottafindit, gottafindit, gottafindit...
Moonwind: The zone is enjoyable, but when that joy becomes an obsession, one becomes disconnected from life.
[They watch as the soul becomes encased in astral dust, transforming into a Lost Soul. It’s muttering becomes garbled and scary.]
Distorted Soul: Gotta find it. Gotta find it. Gotta find it.
Moonwind: For a time, I was a lost soul myself.
Joe Gardner: Really?
Moonwind: [nods] Tetris.
[The ship sails into a sunken spot on the Astral Plane and drops anchor.]
Moonwind: There you are. We’ll have you back in no time. Now, since you don’t have a connection to your body, you will have to tune back into your physical surroundings. [He uses the walking stick to draw a large circle in the dust. Dreamerwind hands 22 a tambourine and they start playing various instruments as he kneels down next to Joe.] Close your eyes. Breathe into your crown chakra.
Joe Gardner: [He tries to focus, but can’t concentrate with the bad music.] Do we really need all this?
Moonwind: Yes!
Joe Gardner: [sighs] Do you have a piano on board? I could focus with that.
Moonwind: No pianos, Joe. You must focus. [beat] Imagine silence. [beat] Shh. [Joe rolls his eyes and gives in.] Now, concentrate on where your body is. Listen for cues.
[Joe concentrates. The dust in the circle swirls away, revealing an overhead panorama of New York.]
Moonwind: That’s it. You’re doing it. [Joe peeks. The overhead view begins to fall away. He quickly covers Joe’s eyes:] No peeking. Maintain your meditative state or you’ll break the connection. Now, see if you can smell and feel where your body is.
Joe Gardner: [He focuses again. We hear the beeping of a heart monitor.] I hear a heart monitor. I can smell hand sanitizer.
Moonwind: Yes. Yes! Good.
Joe Gardner: I think I can feel my feet. [beat] Hmm. I feel fur.
[Joe’s body lies in bed. His toes wiggle. His hand is on a therapy cat as a therapy cat lady and nurse talk nearby.]
Therapy Cat Lady: Did you find a next of kin?
Joe Gardner: [semi-conscious] I feel fur.
Nurse: Did you hear that?
Therapy Cat Lady: Oh, the therapy cat is working.
[Back to the Astral Plane, Joe is getting impatient.]
Joe Gardner: Am I close? When can I jump in? [He opens his eyes.] Look! There I am. [His body mumbles in the hospital.] There I am.
Nurse: His heart rate is increasing. I’ll get the doctor.
Cat Lady: Mr. Mittens, you stay right there.
[Back on the Astral Plane, Joe is on his feet.]
Joe Gardner: What are we waiting for?
[The portal begins to drop away.]
Moonwind: No, Joe, don’t rush this. It’s not the right time.
Joe Gardner: No, it’s my time.
[Moonwind tries to stop Joe, but Joe runs forward. In his haste he plows into 22, knocking them both into the hole.]
22: Wait, not me!
Joe Gardner: [screaming]
[22 and Joe disappear through the portal as astral dust swirls back up, covering it. Moonwind and the others stare at the thin spot. Then Moonwind turns and walks away, whistling. POV from Joe in the hospital, as he opens his eyes and looks around the hospital room.]
Joe Gardner: [chuckles] I did it. I did it! I’m back. [laughs] [But he looks to see his own body in front of him, lying in the hospital bed. He looks at his hands. They are cat paws.] What the… No. No. No. No. I’m in the cat? Wait a minute. If I’m in here, then who… [His body wakes up, sounding like 22.]
22: [groans] What?
Joe Gardner: You’re in my body! No no no!
22: You’re in the cat?
Joe Gardner: Wait, wait, that’s my body.
22: I’m in a body! No!
Joe Gardner: Why are you in my body? I don’t wanna be a cat. I hate cats!
22: Oh, it’s disgusting.
Joe Gardner: That Moonwind guy, he messed this up. [A doctor, the Nurse and the Therapy Cat Lady enter. JoeCat turns to the Doctor, pleading with her.] Doc, you gotta help me. That’s my body, but I’m trapped…
[As the Doctor, Nurse and the Cat Lady watch, they only hear the cat yowling at them.]
Cat: Meow! Meow! Meow!
[Back to Joe's POV as he realizes.]
Joe Gardner: Oh, no, they can’t understand me. They think you’re me. You gotta try.
22: [clears throat] Miss Doctor, we have a problem. [in Joe's voice] I’m an unborn soul and I wanna stay at the You Seminar.
[The doctor hears Joe's voice.]
Doctor: [confused, to the nurse] Yes, well, that drug doesn’t seem to be working at all.
22: [in normal voice] No, no, no, you don’t understand. I’m not Mr. Gardner.
Joe Gardner: Shh! They’re gonna think you’re nuts. I mean, that I’m nuts. Oh, how did this happen?
22: I fell into your body because it doesn’t have a soul.
Joe Gardner: Then why am I in a cat?
22: I don’t know!
[On the sidewalk, the cat;s soul rides the escalator toward the Great Beyond, alongside an assortment of other animals.]
Mr. Mittens: [meows]
[The doctor comes close to 22 back to scene.]
Doctor: Is there anyone we can call, Mr. Gardner? A next of kin or friend?
Joe Gardner: Tell her no.
22: Uh, no.
Doctor: Can you tell me what day it is?
22: It’s the worst day of my life. I don’t wanna be here. I hate Earth.
Doctor: Tell you what. We’re going to keep you here for observation. Just for a bit. Perhaps our therapy cat can go to his next appointment.
[The Doctor starts to pick up Joe. But he hisses at her. The Doctor pulls back.]
Doctor: Okay. Okay.
Joe Gardner: [to 22] You gotta talk to her.
22: [sighs] Okay. Miss Doctor, this body’s soul is in this cat.
Joe Gardner: Stop talking.
22: So naturally, he wants to stay close.
Doctor: Uh, keep the cat. Just get some rest. A lot of it. Okay?
Cat Lady: [as the leave] I’ll come get Mr. Mittens in ten minutes.
[22 and Joe are now alone.]
Joe Gardner: Ten minutes? We gotta get outta here.
22: No way! I am not moving! I can’t believe I’m in a body on this hellish planet. I have bendy meat sticks. I can feel myself feeling myself. [gags]
Joe Gardner: [He slaps 22's face with his paws.] Hey! Focus! Listen to me. We gotta get out of here before they take me away.
22: Take you away? You’re gonna leave me?
Joe Gardner: No way! That’s my body you’re in. Okay, do you think you can walk?
22: I don’t know! I failed Body Test Drive, like, 436 times.
Joe Gardner: But will you try?
[22 finally nods.]
Joe Gardner: Okay. Gotta find Moonwind, he can fix this. [He gets up on his feet, looks down at the floor. It seems like a long way down.] I’m a cat. I can make this. [He jumps, belly-flopping on the linoleum. He peeks out from the door into the hospital and down the hallway. The coast is clear. He stumbles into the hall, struggling to control his new cat body.] Okay, come on, you’re doing great. Keep going. Keep going.
[22 staggers after him, doing even worse in Joe’s body. The two fumble and lurch, banging into everything.]
22: I’m just gonna rest here for a minute.
Joe Gardner: No, no, no, no. They’ll be back any minute. Come on.
22: Okay! [grunts]
[They finally turn a corner. Joe sees the elevator. But the Doctor approaches, looking at a file, unaware. Before she sees them, Joe pushes 22 into another room.]
Joe Gardner: [whispering] In here!
22: Whoa.
[The Doctor passes by outside, oblivious. They rush out and head towards the elevator.]
Joe Gardner: Okay, good. Now push the down button.
[22 tries, but lacks fine motor control, pressing everything but the elevator call button.]
Joe Gardner: Move your… Nope. Careful. Those fingers are my livelihood.
[Frustrated, Joe jumps into her arms and pushes the elevator button. The doors open.]
22: Ugh.
Joe Gardner: Now get in.
[They rush in.]
22: Phew! Hmm.
Joe Gardner: [grunting and gasping]
22: Hmm.
[The two collapse in the elevator. 22 inspects Joe’s glasses, causing a bright spot on the floor. Joe can’t stop his cat instincts and tries to pounce on it. He catches himself and sits back down.]
Joe Gardner: Okay, what did Moonwind say?
22: He said on the corner of 14th and 7th. Yeah, that’s Chelsea. Near Jackson Square Park.
Joe Gardner: Exactly. Wait. How do you know all that?
22: It’s all in this stupid brain of yours.
Joe Gardner: Hey, hey, hey, stay outta there.
22: Oh, relax. There’s not much here. Jazz, jazz, more jazz. Oh, and someone named Lisa. Who’s that?
Joe Gardner: Uh, never mind.
[22 holds Joe as they emerge from the elevator and into the lobby. They walk toward the frosted glass EXIT doors. 22 stands in front of the doors. They can hear the muffled sounds of the busy city behind them. 22 tries to gather courage.]
22: I, um… It’s all happening too fast, you know. Let’s just take a minute and, um…
Joe Gardner: Come on, let’s go. They could be here any second.
[The doors open and 22 steps out into New York Streets. The cacophony of New York is overwhelming to 22 -- a barrage of sight and sound. 22 freezes in fear, but is swept up in a passing crowd people.]
Joe Gardner: Don’t worry, it’s okay. Just keep walking.
[But it’s too much -- a jackhammer! A police whistle! A fire truck! 22 panics and freezes.]
22: Aah!
Joe Gardner: No, don’t stop. What are you doing? This is New York City. You don’t stop in the middle of the street. Go, go, go.
[Insistent, Joe inadvertently scratches 22.]
22: [groaning] [She drops Joe and runs across the street! Joe rushes after her, nearly getting hit by traffic. But 22 is gone.]
Joe Gardner: Oh, no. 22. 22! [He runs up and down the block, panicking.] 22. Oh, no. Oh, no. 22. 22. 22! 22! [He finally finds 22 hiding in the corner of a sub-level stoop.] 22, I didn’t know I had claws, okay? Look, I’m sorry. But come on, let’s go.
22: [overwhelmed] No way. I am staying right here until your stupid body dies. Which will happen any minute now because your stomach is earthquaking.
[Joe is confused for a beat, then understands. He gets an idea.]
[Into the pizzeria, steaming slices of pizza sit under heat lamps. A cat paw grabs one. Exit to the sidewalk of New York, Joe carries the slice. He passes a rat walking in the opposite direction, also carrying its own slice of pizza. They both stop, regard one another, shrug, then continue on, exit to the door stoop, 22 watches Joe approach with the slice.]
22: Yeah, this place is worse than I thought. It’s loud, and bright, and… [sniffs] Hmm. What is that in my nose?
Joe Gardner: That’s smell.
[22's eyes widen slightly.]
Joe Gardner: And if you think that’s good, just imagine what it tastes like. [He walks forward to give it to 22.]
22: Hmm. [sucks teeth]
Joe Gardner: Go on.
[22 takes the pizza and bites, eyes widening instantly. We zip inside Joe's body to see 22, as a soul, careen joyfully around inside Joe.]
22: It’s so good! [screaming, but back outside] It’s, uh… It’s not horrible.
Joe Gardner: Good. You can eat on the way. Let’s go. [But 22 chows down, completely enthralled by pizza.] Or you just take a few minutes. Sure.
22 [She finished, licking her fingers.] Hmm. Strange, I don’t feel so angry anymore.
Joe Gardner: That’s great. Ready to find Moonwind?
22: Maybe. [Calmer, she now gnaws on a gyro in New York Street, making slow progress. Joe Cat rides impatiently on her shoulders.] I’m telling you, Joe, it’s pronounced yee-row.
Joe Gardner: Yeah, but in New York, we call them gyros. It’s Greek.
22: No, I got in a fight with Archimedes about this. He said it’s…
[The Archimedes argue at the You Seminar.]
Archimedes: Yee-row.
22: Yo-yo.
Archimedes: Yee-row.
22: YOLO.
Archimedes: Yee-row.
22: Sergio?
Archimedes: YEE-ROW!!!
22: [reminisching back to scene] I miss that guy.
[They come to an intersection.]
Joe Gardner: This is 14th and 7th. [Across the street, they spot Moonwind twirling his sign, headphones in his ears, eyes closed and in the zone.] That’s gotta be him.
[22 drops her gyro and bolts across traffic to Moonwind. She grabs him.]
22: Moonwind, you gotta help me.
[Soul-Moonwind is sailing his ship when he’s suddenly yanked from deck and pulled back down to Earth.]
Moonwind: Whoaaa!
[Moonwind’s eyes open as he “wakes up” from the zone back to scene. He looks at 22.]
Moonwind: Joe! You made it into your body.
22: No, he didn’t.
Joe Gardner: That is my body.
[JoeCat points to 22. Moonwind can understand him.]
Moonwind: You’re in a cat? That’s marvelous!
Marge: [over speakers] Hey, Moonwimp! [Behind them an angry store owner emerges from the store.] That sign won’t spin by itself, hear me?
Moonwind: But, Marge, look! I put this man’s soul in a cat.
Marge: Who cares? [to 22] And you! We only have room for one weirdo here, so, scram! Get back to work!
[The Store Owner goes back inside. Moonwind picks up his sign.]
Moonwind: [grumbles to himself] No one understands my art. [Moonwind gets back to spinning as Joe gestures.]
Joe Gardner: Moonwind, listen, I gotta get out of here and back in there.
Moonwind: Well, we’ll have to perform an old-fashioned astral transmigration displacement.
Joe Gardner: A what?
Moonwind: It’s simply a way to get your souls back where they belong. And it’s a glorious ritual, indeed, full of chanting, dancing, and best of all, bongos.
Joe Gardner: I need to be at The Half Note by 7:00, so this needs to happen right now.
Moonwind: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast. You must wait for another thin spot to open between Earth and the astral plane. And that won’t occur until Orcus moves into the house of Gemini.
Joe Gardner: When is that?
Moonwind: Well, the government calls it 6:30. Look, I’ll meet you at The Half Note.
Joe Gardner: 6:30? You serious?
Moonwind: I’ll gather all the necessary provisions…
[The angry Store Owner suddenly comes at them.]
Marge: I said, get out of here! Go!
[Scared, 22 runs off with Joe on her shoulders.]
22 [screaming]
Moonwind: See you at The Half Note at 6:30! I’ll take care of everything!
Marge: And stay away!
[Terry the Accountant continues to rifle through the endless file drawers.]
Terry: [muttering to herself] Sure are a lot of Garcias in here. [He slams shut a drawer and looks into the distance, at the millions of files still to go.] You’re out there somewhere, little soul, and I’m gonna find ya.
[Later in New York Street, 22 turns the corner, nibbling on another slice. Joe still on her shoulders.]
Joe Gardner: All right, this is the last snack. I can barely fit into my pants as it is. 6:30 is cutting it close. Too close. We gotta get back to my place and get you cleaned up and ready to go… [instinctively tries cleaning himself, but catches himself] Ahh! [recites, sighs] We gotta hail a cab. Hold your hand out. Hold it up and out. [22 tries hailing a cab. But they speed by, not stopping.] Man, this would be hard even if I wasn’t wearing a hospital gown. [A cab finally stops a few yards away, about to let out passengers.] Go, go, go! Just run to that one. [22 hobbles over to the cab door just as it opens. They suddenly come face to face with Dorothea Williams, the cab’s departing passenger. Curley and Miho get out on the other side and gasp at 22. Dorothea looks over 22, in stained hospital gown and gnawing on a slice without a care.]
Dorothea: Is that Teach?
22: [mouth-full] Mm, pepperoni.
[Horrified, Joe shoves 22 inside the cab, pushing 22’s head down. The cab takes off. Dorothea, Curley and Miho watch the cab drive off. Dorothea turns to Curley, angry. 22 and Joe come out of the cab in the sidewalk, walking up to an apartment building Queens.]
Joe Gardner: Aah, Dorothea Williams saw me. What am I gonna do? She’s gonna think I’m crazy. Maybe you should call her up and tell her that we’re not crazy.
22: I’ve only been a person for an hour, and even I know that’s a bad idea.
[They walk into the building. 22 and Joe step inside his small apartment. Floor-to-ceiling shelves against a wall are lined with vinyl, surrounding an upright piano. Next to it, an upright bass. Classic jazz posters hang on other walls.]
Joe Gardner: I just gotta get back in my body and really bring it tonight.
22: [She smells the body’s armpit, then forearm.] How come this part is stinky but this part smells fine?
Joe Gardner: [He points to a laundry pile.] Never mind. Just put those pants on. Sheesh, I can’t believe I’ve been walking around in this city with no pants on.
22: I don’t even wanna be here, remember?
Joe Gardner: [walking into a sunbeam] I don’t want you here either. [yawns] I just... I just wanna get back to my... [yawns] body, then get back to the [yawns] club. [snoring]
[He flops down and starts purring.]
22: What’s the matter with you?
Joe Gardner: [sleepy] Uh… I don’t know. It’s the sun. It’s just so… [His cell phone in 22’s hospital gown pocket rings. Joe bolts up.] My phone!
22: Um… Okay, your clothes are rumbling again.
[22 pulls out Joe’s phone. Joe sees it’s Curley.]
Joe Gardner: Curley! Uh… No, no.
[Joe tries to grab it but can’t. Instead he fumbles the phone all over the floor, like a cat with a toy. Finally, the phone goes silent.]
Joe Gardner: Augh!
[Joe sees a “voicemail” pop up. He pushes play.]
Curley: [over speakers] Hey, Mr. G, it’s Curley. Um… [sighs] I hope you’re doin’ okay. Dorothea freaked out when she saw you, and she called this other guy, Robert. He’s got the gig now. I’m sorry.
Joe Gardner: No, no, no.
Curley: [sighs] Look, honestly, your class was the only reason I went to school at all. Like, I owe you a lot. [Joe stares nervously at the phone as she finishes.] So, here’s the plan. Clean yourself up, put on a killer suit, and get to the club early. I’m gonna try and talk to her. [Joe gasps, spirits lifting.] Just make sure you show up looking like a million bucks, all right? I hope I see you, man. All right. Peace.
Joe Gardner: Oh! I can get the gig back, 22. I need your help. I have a suit. I’m gonna need you to try it on.
22: No, no, no.
Joe Gardner: And then I can line my hair up a little bit, and I can…
22: Nope. No way, no how.
Joe Gardner: 22!
[22 and Joe freeze, knocking and staring at the front door.]
Connie: Mr. Gardner?
Joe Gardner: Ah! It’s Connie. She’s here for her lesson.
22: What do I do?
Connie: [over speakers] I can hear you!
Joe Gardner: Just tell her that you can’t do it today.
[22 goes to the door, talking through it.]
22: Hi, Connie. Sorry, but Joe can’t do it today.
Joe Gardner: You’re Joe! 22: I mean, me.
22: Me can’t do it today.
Joe Gardner: Good. Now let’s go check out that suit.
Connie: [over speakers] I came to tell you that I quit.
22: [mildly intrigued] Quit?
Joe Gardner: [groaning] We don’t have time for this. The suit is in the closet.
Connie: [over speakers] Band is a stupid waste of time.
22: This kid is talking sense. [She opens the door.]
Joe Gardner: What are you doing?
[22 and Joe peek out behind the chained apartment door. Outside is Connie, the trombonist from Joe’s middle school band class. She holds out her trombone to 22, angry.]
Connie: Here, I quit. I think jazz is pointless.
22: Oh, yeah, jazz is definitely pointless.
Joe Gardner: Hey!
Connie: In fact, all of school is a waste of time.
'22: Of course. Like my mentor, George Orwell, used to say, “State sponsored education is like the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.”
Connie: [Her eyes go wide.] Yeah!
22: The ruling class’s core curriculum stifles dissent. It’s the oldest trick in the book.
Joe Gardner: What are you talkin’ about? She doesn’t care about any of that.
Connie: I’ve been saying that since the third grade.
Joe Gardner: Ugh.
22: You know, you seem really smart. What is your position on pizza?
Connie: Uh, I like it?
22: Me, too! [She unchains the door and swings it open, tossing Joe off her shoulder.]
Joe Gardner: What are you doing? [grunts]
22: I’d rather hang with Connie. [She shuts the door, leaving Joe alone in the apartment.]
Joe Gardner: What? Come back here! [Connie and 22 watch Joe’s paws reach for them from under the apartment door.] [over speakers] You open this… [But from Connie’s POV, we hear him yowling.]
Connie: Um, I think your cat wants to get out.
22: Ugh, he thinks he knows everything.
[Joe looks under the door, frantic, yelling at 22 at his apartment.]
Joe Gardner: 22! Don’t you walk away from me. Come here right now. I’m gonna go in and I’mma scratch up the sofa. [catching himself] Oh, wait a minute, that’s my sofa.
[Back in the stairway, 22 and Connie sit on the stairs.]
22: You really got things figured out, Connie.
Connie: I’d better give this back. It belongs to the school.
22: Sure.
[Connie passes 22 her trombone. 22 quickly takes it. But as 22 talks Connie looks as if she’s just given up her dog.]
22: You know, I really am glad there’s someone else who sees how ridiculous this place is. You’re right to quit. I learned about quitting just…
[But Connie starts to have second thoughts. She takes back the trombone case, opens it and pulls out the trombone:]
Connie: [interrupting] You know what, Mr. G? I was practicing this one thing yesterday and maybe you can listen to it and tell me to quit after, okay? [She starts playing.]
22: Uh, okay.
[22 listens politely, not expecting much. But Connie is good. 22 becomes inspired while watching Connie get lost in the music.]
[Joe keeps trying and failing to get the door open inside his apartment.]
[Back in the stairway, Connie finishes her solo. 22 is awestruck.]
22: Wow. You really love this.
Connie: Yeah. So, maybe I’d better stick with it?
22: Yeah.
[Panicked, Joe has nearly given up when he hears inside his apartment.]
Connie: [over speakers] Bye, Mr. G. See you next week!
[He looks under the door to see Connie walk away. Joe jumps on the doorknob, determined, hanging there desperately.]
Joe Gardner: 22!
[The door swings open, tossing him off. 22 walks in, trying to figure something out.]
22: So, Connie came here to quit, but then she didn’t.
Joe Gardner: 22, forget about that. Listen.
22: I need to know this, Joe. Why didn’t she quit?
Joe Gardner: Because she loves to play. She might say she hates everything, but trombone is her thing. She’s good at it. Maybe trombone is her spark, I don’t know. [as 22 ponders] Please. If I’m gonna get this gig back, I need your help.
[Beat.]
22: Okay.
Joe Gardner: [surprised] Really?
22: I’ll help you, but I wanna try a few things. ‘Cause I don’t know, some of it’s not as boring as it is at the You Seminar, and if Connie can find something she loves here, maybe I can, too.
Joe Gardner: Great!
22: So, what do we do first?
[Joe paces outside the bathroom as 22 takes a shower.]
22: [screaming] This water hurts!
Joe Gardner: [calling through the door] It’s okay. You just have to turn the other knob.
22: [over speakers] Oh, okay, that’s better. And I wouldn’t be mad if you put a little lotion on me when you’re done. [liquid squirting, muffled rattling] I washed your butt for you. [She spits toothpaste into the sink in the bathroom.] Ah! [spits] Spicy! Spicy!
[As Joe tends to his suit jacket in the living room, 22 tries to put on socks but falls. A pair of Counselors is directing a flock of new souls into several Pavilions in the Yo Seminar.]
Counselor Jerry A: You five will be insecure. And you 12 will be self-absorbed.
Counselor Jerry B: We really should stop sending so many through that pavilion.

Terry: [over speakers] Found him! [They runs up with file.] See that, everybody? Who figured out why the count’s off? That’s right, Terry did. It’s Terrytime.
Counselor Jerry A: Wow. Nice work.
Counselor Jerry B: Well, who is it?
[Terry flips through the file.]
Terry: Right. [clears throat] Uh… Joe Gardner is his name. Looks like he’s back down on Earth.
Counselor Jerry A: That’s not good.
Counselor Jerry B: That… That’s the mentor we set up with 22.
Terry: All right, all right. Easy on the hysterics. Terry’s got this under control. I’ll handle it.
Counselor Jerry B: How?
Terry: [He opens a portal down to earth.] I’ll go down there and get him. Set the count right, lickety-split.
Counselor Jerry B: Okay, whoa. Are you sure that’s a good idea?
Terry: Look, you all are the ones who beefed it. I’m trying to un-beef it.
Counselor Jerry A: But you cannot be seen.
Counselor Jerry B: By anyone.
Terry: Don’t worry. I’ll make sure no one else sees me. I’ll move among the shadows, like a ninja.
Jerry: Please, just do it quickly and quietly.
Counselor Jerry B: And also quickly. And quietly as well. [Terry salutes, then jumps down towards Earth. The Counselors look down after Terry.] This won’t be a disaster, that’s for sure.
[Joe admires 22 in his apartment, now wearing his ill-fitting brown suit.]
Joe Gardner: Mm. Trusty old brown suit. Still a perfect fit.
22: It’s a little tight in the back-here part. [pointing to the rear]
Joe Gardner: It’ll loosen. Sit down.
[22 sits on the floor. Joe pushes over a tall stack of records in front of 22, to use as a stool. He picks up electric clippers.]
22: I’m a cat. I’ll do it.
Joe Gardner: You couldn’t call an elevator, remember? No way. I just need to line me up. Now be still.
[Joe turns on the clippers. His entire cat body vibrates unsteadily. He shakes as he reaches the clipper forward to 22’s hairline. 22 looks at him, leery.]
22: Uh, it’s like a little tiny chainsaw.
Joe Gardner: Don’t move.
22: I’m not moving. You’re moving.
[Joe loses his footing on the stack of records. They shoot out from under him. The clippers sail out of his paws and take a big, long divot of hair out of 22’s scalp. They hit the floor across the room, shattering. Joe looks at the reverse-mohawk on 22’s scalp, horrified.]
Joe Gardner: [gasps] Oh, no!
22: Don’t worry, I’m okay.
Joe Gardner: Oh, no, no, no! My hair! My hair is not okay! This is a disaster! [gasps] We gotta fix this. Right now.
22: Okay. How?
Joe Gardner: We gotta go see Dez.
'22: Great. Who’s Dez?
[Inside the neighborhood barber shop, hair gently falls to the ground as the loud buzzing sound of multiple hair clippers fills the shop. Barbers are cutting and trimming the hair of men and boys while razzing each other.]
Barber: Yo, Ian, man, how you get that big peanut head? What happened to you?
Ian: Man, shut up, man. You know I’m sensitive about that. I lost my hair at an early age.
[Joe and 22 peer through the window. The hair disaster is hidden under a hat.]
Joe Gardner: Dez is the guy in the back. He can fix this. Talk about havin’ a spark. This guy was born to be a barber.
22: But I can’t pass for you in front of all your friends.
Joe Gardner: Dez is the only one that I talk to. We usually talk about jazz, but this time, just sit there, get the cut, and get out.
[22 carries Joe into the shop. The customers and barbers all give a synchronized silent “nod,” then go back to their conversations. Joe’s barber, Dez, is about to take on a customer.]
Dez: Hey, Joe. What are you doing here on a weekday? You didn’t call for an appointment, man. It’s gonna be a while.
Joe Gardner: [to 22] Ah, I was afraid of this. Go ahead and sit down.
[22 looks for a seat. Unthinking, she takes off her hat, revealing the awful clipper disaster.]
Customers and Barbers: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang!
Dez: Oh, my Lord. [He pushes away his customer.] You gotta wait, son. This is an emergency.
Customer: What? That ain’t cool, Dez.
Dez: You could always let Harold cut your hair. His chair’s wide open.
[Harold, another barber, looks up from the newspaper he’s reading while sitting in his empty barber chair. Through his bottle-thick eyeglasses, he silently blinks and smiles, too eager for a customer.]
Customer: Nah. I can wait.
[The customer takes a seat in the waiting area.]
Dez: Joe, get your butt in this chair now. [22 sits, still holding Joe. Paul, the customer next to him, scowls at Joe. They have a history.] Should I even ask you how this happened?
22: The cat did it.
Joe Gardner: [to 22] Stop sounding insane.
22: I mean, um, I was distracted getting ready to play with Dorothea Williams tonight.
Dez: Dorothea Williams? That’s big time, Joe. Congratulations!
Paul Joe ain’t getting no gig, Dez. You know he Mr. Close-But-No-Cigar.
Joe Gardner: [sighs] This guy.
Dez: Joe, ignore him. Now let’s fix you up. You keeping that cat on your lap?
22: Is it okay that I do that?
[Dez throws an apron around 22 and Joe. Joe quickly pushes out of it, staying on 22’s lap.]
Dez: Suit yourself. You’re the boss.
22: I am?
Dez: When you’re in this chair, yeah, you are.
22: So can I have one of those? [She points to a jar full of lollipops.]
Dez: Uh… Sure, Joe.
[Dez hands one to her. She quickly unwraps it and pops it into her mouth, smiling.]
22 [chuckles] Cool. Mmm. I like being in the chair.
[Everyone stares at 22. Joecat chides her.]
Joe Gardner: Hey, get your head in the game.
[Dez fires up his hair clippers, startling 22.]
22: [yelps] Little chainsaw.
Joe Gardner: You need to settle down. If you keep this…
[Dez sees a car YOWLING at Joe. He puts a hand on 22’s shoulder.]
Dez: Look, I can deal with some freaky stuff, but if this cat don’t chill, we’re gonna have to put it outside.
22: [smug] Well, what’s it gonna be, kitty?
Joe Gardner: Meow.
[Dez regards 22’s reverse mohawk and gets to work.]
Dez: Sometimes, change is good. You have been rocking that same style for a while.
22: Well, Dez, for hundreds of years, I’ve had no style at all.
Paul: You can say that again.
[The others start laughing. 22 looks around, misreading it.]
22: Mmm. But then my life changed.
Dez: Oh, yeah? What happened?
22: I was existing as a theoretical construct in a hypothetical way station between life and death.
Female Barber: I heard that.
[22 is relaxed now, happily sucking on the lolly as Dez finishes. Everyone in the store has pulled up a chair, now listening intently to 22’s story.]
22: And by the time I got to mentor number 266, I was seriously asking, like, what is all the fuss about? Like, is all this living really worth dying for? You know what I mean?
Customers: Word. Mhmmm.
Dez: I never knew you had such an interesting education, Joe. I just thought you went to music school.
22: [muffled] And another thing, they say you’re born to do something, but how do you figure out what that thing is? I mean, what if you pick up the wrong thing? Or somebody else’s thing, you know? Then you’re stuck.
[The others nod in agreement. One of the customers motions to the lolly jar.]
Customer: [whispers] Been there before. I’ll take one of those.
Dez: [chuckles] I wouldn’t call myself stuck, but I never planned on cuttin’ heads for a livin’.
22: Wait, but you were born to be a barber, weren’t you?
Dez: I wanted to be a veterinarian.
[Joe looks at Dez, surprised by this.]
22: So, why didn’t you do that?
Dez: I was plannin’ to when I got out of the Navy. Then my daughter got sick, [chuckles] and barber school is a lot cheaper than veterinarian school.
22: Well, that’s too bad. You’re stuck as a barber and now you’re unhappy.
Dez: Whoa, whoa, slow your roll there, Joe. I’m happy as a clam, my man. Not everyone can be Charles Drew inventing blood transfusions.
22: Or me, playing piano with Dorothea Williams. I know.
Paul [guffaws sarcastically as the door opens, then laughs] You are not all that. Anyone could play in a band if they wanted to.
Joe Gardner: [to 22] Don’t pay Paul any mind. People like him just bring other people down so they can make themselves feel better.
22: Oh, I get it. He’s just criticizing me to cover up the pain of his own failed dreams.
[The others erupt with a collective “DANG!” Everyone in the shop laughs at 22’s inadvertent, razor-sharp comeback. Humbled, Paul sniffs on his way out.]
Paul: You cut deep, Joe.
22: I wonder why sitting in this chair makes me want to tell you things, Dez.
Dez: That’s the magic of the chair. That’s why I love this job. I get to meet interesting folks like you, make them happy... [He picks up a small hand mirror and shows 22 his work.] and make them handsome.
[22 looks at the excellent cut in the mirror and smiles. Joe is impressed.]
22: Wow! Am I crazy or do I look younger?
Dez: I may not have invented blood transfusions, but I am most definitely savin’ lives. [He shows 22 and Joe out.] I don’t know about this crazy cat guy thing, man, but it is nice to finally talk to you about something other than jazz, Joe.
22: Huh. How come we, um, never talked about your life before?
Dez: You never asked. But I’m glad you did this time.
[The other customers call out.]
Customers: Looking good, brother. WOMAN: Have a great show.
[Dez heads back inside. 22 pulls out a handful of lollipops, showing them proudly to Joe.]
22 [chuckles] I grabbed a couple of road lollies.
[22 pops one into her mouth and walks off. Joe follows, impressed with how 22 handled it all.]
[Inside Joe’s former hospital room, a heart monitor beeps, suddenly flatlines -- then becomes Terry. Terry leaps from the monitor and looks around the room for clues. Terry examines Joe’s empty hospital bed, ducking out of sight just as a doctor enters the room. Terry moves, snake-like, up to the sunken alcove where 22 had been hiding earlier. Terry examines the spot where 22 had been sitting. Terry slithers among Joe’s things in his apartment, over his album collection and onto his piano, searching. Paul comes out of the small grocery store near the barber shop. He opens a bag of chips, still stung by 22’s insult.]
Paul: [muttering to himself] Julia Child didn’t succeed till she was 49.
[22 and Joe approach. 22 holds out a lolly as a peace offering.]
22: Hey, Paul. Here, have a lollipop.
Paul: Oh, yeah, thanks. Thanks, man.
[Terry spots 22 as she comes out of a crosswalk light across the street.]
Terry: There you are. [He jumps down and snakes around the corner. The accountant draws a portal in the ground, like a lion trap.]
22: No hard feelings, right? All right. Just friends. Just friends goofing on each other. All right. 22: Okay. Goodbye, Paul.
[As 22 finishes making amends with Paul, Terry readies the trap:]
Terry: Come to Terry.
[A body falls into the trap. Terry follows, jumping in.]
Terry: Gotcha!
[Surrounded by the eerie darkness of Limbo, Terry let’s “Joe” have it.]
Terry: Thought you could cheat the universe? Well, you thought wrong. I’m the accountant, and I’m here to bring you in… [He pulls the soul from the body.] Oh, whoa… You’re not Joe Gardner. [chuckles awkwardly] My mistake. [Paul is petrified.] We’ll just get you back into your meat suit. [chuckles] [He shoves Paul’s soul back into his body and tosses him back up.]
[Paul emerges through the portal, back onto the street. He’s shivering, clutching his bag of chips, horrified. Terry tries to make things right.]
Terry: There you go. No harm, no foul. [Paul is trembling and screaming.] Oh, boy. [He puts an arm around him.] Look, uh, fella, I’m thinking there’s no reason we can’t keep this little incident between us, eh? Mistakes happen. And, uh, it’s not your time. [chuckling] Unless you keep eating those processed foods, am I right? [laughs] [He vanishes. Paul looks around fearfully. Suddenly, hisstern face appears in his bag of chips.] But seriously, stay away from those processed foods.
[Paul screams and throws the bag, running away.]
[22 and Joe keep walking. 22 happily sucks on a lollipop as they talk.]
Joe Gardner: You know what, you did all right back there. How did you know how to deal with Paul?
22: I didn’t. I just let out the me. Hey, like you said about jazz. I was jazzing.
Joe Gardner: First of all, “jazzing” is not a word. And second, music and life operate by very different rules.
[22 looks at a flyer on a pole, about to pull off one of the contact slips.]
22: It says take one.
Joe Gardner: Don’t… [22 takes more than one.] Or do. Okay. Fine.
[22 jogs back over like a little kid, reading it.]
22: “Man with a van.” I got a few in case we need a lot of vans.
Joe Gardner: [rolls his eyes] Uh-huh. Now, let’s get back to the plan. We go to The Half Note and wait there for Moonwind. It’s around 4:00 p.m. now…
[But he sees 22 laughing, playing with the reflection in a window.]
Joe Gardner: You know what? You are really getting good at using those legs. Why don’t you try runnin’?
[22’s hands run along a metal fence, making music.]
22: Hey! I made a song. I’m jazzing.
Joe Gardner: Okay, enough of the jazzing and everything like that. We need to get somewhere. Now, I suggest that…
[But 22 stops over a subway grate. The blast of air from below whooshes up.]
22: [laughing] That tickles.
Joe Gardner: Uh, what are you doing?
[22 lies on her stomach on the grate, letting the wind ruffle the suit.]
22: [whooping, laughing]
[22’s hat blows off and flies down the street.]
22: Whoops. I got it. [grunts]
[22 runs over to the hat, bends over to pick it up. But stops, unable to bend out any more.]
Joe Gardner: Would you hurry up?
22: Okay.
[The pants rip as 22 forces it.]
22: [smiling] You were right. These pants are loosening.
[But pedestrians behind 22 look at the pants in. A bike messenger laughs. Joe screams. He runs over and looks at 22’s rear, his polka dot underwear hangs out. Joe tries to cover it up.]
Joe Gardner: Oh, no, no, no. Don’t let people see your butt!
22: It’s your butt.
Joe Gardner: It doesn’t matter whose butt… Take off the jacket. Tie it around your waist. Quick! Cover the butt! What are we gonna do? I can’t find a tailor this late… [dread as a bad thought] Oh, no. We’re gonna have to go to Mom’s.
22: Okay.
Joe Gardner: No, no, no, you don’t understand. Mom doesn’t know about this gig. And she’s not gonna like it.
22: Okay.
Joe Gardner: We don’t have any other choice.
22: Okay.
Joe Gardner: She’s the only one that can fix this.
22: Okay.
Joe Gardner: Stop saying “okay”! We gotta catch the subway across town. Come on.
22: Okay… [stops herself] Got it.
[22 eats a bagel while carrying Joe down onto a subway station platform.]
Joe Gardner: My mom doesn’t know anything about the gig, and I wanna keep it that way, okay?
22: Right, because she thinks you’re a failure.
Joe Gardner: What?
22: I didn’t say that. You did. Up here. [She points to Joe's head.]
Joe Gardner: Uh, look, my mom has her own definition of what success is, and being a professional musician isn’t it. [He jumps to the ground and starts pacing, thinking this through, muttering to self.] So, let me see, I need the suit fixed for a, uh, school band recital. [sighs] I’m not looking forward to this, but there’s no reason she needs to know…
[Meanwhile, 22 notices a busker playing his guitar and singing, guitar case open to receive loose change. Intrigued, 22 approaches. He still stews.] I don’t know. All the times I’ve been so close to getting to my dreams, [sighs] something always gets in the way. You know what I mean? [He spots 22, drawn to the music. He walks over.]
22: He’s good. And I’ve heard music before, but I’ve never felt like this inside.
Joe Gardner: Of course, you love music now, because you’re me. Let’s go. Let’s go.
[22 watches a passerby toss change into the busker’s guitar case. Inspired, 22 breaks her bagel in half and drops it in, too. As 22 walks away, the busker looks at the bagel, slightly annoyed. Joe and 22 walk onto the train. Joe finds a seat and sits, like a person -- on his butt, catfeet outstretched. He folds his paws across his cat-chest and settles in for the ride like any New Yorker. A New Yorker next to him looks at this, decides to scoot over, not wanting any part of this weirdness. 22 remains standing as the doors close. The car is nearly full. The train starts moving. 22 stumbles.]
22: Whoa! [chuckles] [As the train movies, she has fun "surfing" it like a wave.] Woahahaho! Ha ha![She bumps into a commuter.]
Commuter: Hey, take it easy, eh?
22: I’m sorry. [She quickly sits next to Joe, feeling self-conscious.]
Joe Gardner: Don’t worry about it. It’s the subway. It does that to some people.
22: Does what?
Joe Gardner: It wears you down. It stinks. It’s hot. It’s crowded. Every day the same thing, day in and day out. [to self] But once I get on the stage tonight, all my troubles are going to be fixed. You’re gonna see a brand-new Joe Gardner. [He hears a slurping sound. He turns to see 22 listening to him, but now drinking a Big Gulp from a straw.] Where’d you get that?
22: Under the seat. Can you believe it? It’s still half-full. [gasps]
[Joe SLAPS it out of her hands. 22 and Joe walk up to his mom’s tailoring shop.]
Joe Gardner: All right, remember, I need the suit fixed for a band recital. Got it?
[22 nods. They enter. Melba and Lulu are busy behind sewing machines. 22 enters. Joe is on 22’s shoulders.]
Lulu: Joey!
Melba: Joey! Oh, I’m so proud of you.
Libba Gardner: Oh, baby boy, we heard the news. [But from the back room they hear a pointed.] [clears throat]
[Melba and Lulu freeze.]
Joe Gardner: Oh, crap. She knows.
[Melba gestures, cautiously.]
Lulu: Your momma’s in the back.
Joe Gardner: You gotta go in there.
22: No, I don’t want to.
Joe Gardner: You have to. We need the suit fixed. [takes a deep breath]
[22 gulps and starts walking. As they pass Melba.]
Melba: You forgetting something, Joey? [She holds out her cheek, waiting.]
22: What?
Joe Gardner: Kiss her. I always kiss Melba when I see her. [as Melba leans her cheek out] Just do it. [22 looks at Melba’s cheek, then grabs her face and goes in, kissing her right on the lips. The women gasp.] No, no, no. Not on the lips.
Lulu: [in horror] Joey! What has gotten into you, boy?
[22 quickly releases Melba.]
Melba: [catching her breath, laughing] Let him finish.
Lulu: Cougar. I knew it.
[22 and Joe walk into the back room as Melba calls after them.]
Melba: I’ll take another kiss when you get back, Joey.
[The rhythm and blues music continues to play on speakers. 22 and Joe slowly step in. Libba is working on a dress. She’s not happy.]
Libba Gardner: So much for being done chasing after gigs, huh? [She spots the cat on 22's shoulder.] I hope that cat isn’t supposed to be some kind of peace offering. [whispers] Come. Come on.
[Lulu and Melba press themselves against the door, trying to hear what’s going on.]
Joe Gardner: [He whispers in 22's ear, coaching.] Just say you rescued it.
22: [to Libba] Um, no. It’s mine. I rescued it.
Libba Gardner: Hmm. Too bad you can’t rescue your career. Oh.
Joe Gardner: [sighs] Just ask her nicely if she can fix my suit.
22: So, Mom, is there any way you can fix this?
[22 removes the jacket and reveals the large tear and polkadot underwear to Libba.]
Libba Gardner: Whoa! I don’t need to see that.
22: I know. Embarrassing, right? So, you’ll fix it?
Libba Gardner: No.
Joe Gardner and 22: What?
Libba Gardner: How long are you going to keep doing this, Joey? You tell me you’re going to accept the full-time position…
Joe Gardner: Here it comes.
Libba Gardner: …and instead, I hear you’ve taken another gig.
Joe Gardner: Tell her that this one is different.
22: This one’s different!
Libba Gardner: Does this gig have a pension? Health insurance? No? Then it’s the same as the other ones. It’s like you can’t even be truthful with me anymore.
Joe Gardner: Fine, we’ll get the suit off the rack somewhere. My mom has never understood what I’m trying to do with my life.
22: [repeating to Libba] Fine, we’ll get the suit off the rack somewhere. [She and Joe gasp] My mom has never understood what I’m trying to do with my life.
Joe Gardner: 22!
Libba Gardner: What did you just say?
22: [to Joe] Oof. Can I run away now, like you usually do?
[Mom stares, waiting for a response from Joe.]
Joe Gardner: [considering his options] No. Not this time. Repeat after me. [He whispers into 22's ear.]
[We shift to Libba's POV -- to hear Joe talk to his mom in his own voice.]
Joe Gardner: Mom, I know we’ve had some rough times, but you’re right, I can’t be truthful with you. Because it seems like no matter what I do, you disapprove.
Libba Gardner: Look, I know you love playing.
Joe Gardner: Then how come except for church, you’re the happiest when I don’t? I finally land the gig of my life and you’re upset.
Libba Gardner: You didn’t see how tough being a musician was on your father. I don’t want to see you struggle like that.
Joe Gardner: So Dad could pursue his dreams, and I can’t?
Libba Gardner: Your father had me. Most times, this shop is what paid the bills. So when I’m gone, who’s gonna pay yours?
Joe Gardner: Music is all I think about. From the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I fall asleep at night.
Libba Gardner: You can’t eat dreams for breakfast, Joey.
Joe Gardner: Then I don’t want to eat. This isn’t about my career, Mom. [sighs] It’s my reason for living. And I know Dad felt the same way. [as Libba thinks about this] And... [sighs] I’m just afraid that if I died today, that my life would’ve amounted to nothing.
Libba Gardner: Joey.
[Libba looks into her son’s eyes, moved and slightly scared. She breaks down a little, but then finally smiles. She goes to a drawer and pulls out a large garment box.]
Joe Gardner: Oh.
Libba Gardner: Let’s make this work instead. [She opens it to reveal a tight, crisp blue suit.]
[We come out of Libba's POV as Joe immediately recognizes the suit, stunned.]
Joe Gardner: That’s my dad’s suit.
Libba Gardner: [calls out] Lulu. Melba. Bring your good scissors in here. We got work to do.
[The eavesdropping Melba and Lulu almost tip over and fall into the room as they try to cover their spying. They get to work as Joe sits on a table, touched. 22 surveys the new suit in a full-length mirror while Libba, Melba and Lulu make adjustments. Joe watches from the side, amazed.]
22: [in normal voice] Wow. This feels really nice.
[Libba chuckles. Joe watches his mom lovingly make a few adjustments, admiring the way her son looks in the mirror.]
Libba Gardner: You look marvelous. It fits perfectly.
Melba: You see how I did that?
Libba Gardner: That is one fine wool suit, if I do say so myself.
22: [She points to a pocket-square.] Can I try on that?
Libba Gardner: Of course you can. [chuckles]
Melba: Just handsome.
[Libba puts the handkerchief square against the suit’s breast pocket.]
22: Thank you, uh, Mom.
Libba Gardner: Ray would have been so proud of you, baby. Like I’ve always been. [Moved, Joe watches as she embraces 22; as she embraces him. He’s awestruck at his mom’s turn. She pushes 22 toward the door.] You heard me, right? The suit is wool, not polyester. [as 22 picks up Joe] So, don’t go putting that cat on your shoulders again.
[22 drops Joe on the floor.]
22 and Joe Gardner: Yes, ma’am!
Melba: Oh, there’s a nice little taper there.
[22 walks to the door as Joe looks back at his mom, lovingly]
Joe Gardner: Thanks, Mom. [He catches up to 22 in the tailor shop, now looking sharp in the blue suit.] Oh, that was amazin’. You know what that felt like? It felt like jazz.
22: Yeah, you were jazzing.
Joe Gardner: Ha-ha. Okay, jazzing.
[Joe and 22 emerge from the subway station in another part of town, in the midst of conversation.]
22: I’m telling you, Joe. You really should call Lisa again.
Joe Gardner: I don’t really have time for a relationship right now, 22.
22: Oh, busy right now? Wanna wait till you die a second time? Cool, cool, cool.
Joe Gardner [laughs] I can’t believe I’m getting romantic advice from an unborn soul. [chuckles]
22: I can think of worse.
[They both laugh as they turn the corner. Ahead is the Half Note Jazz Club. They run up to the club.]
Joe Gardner: There it is. [laughs] We made it! This is going to work. [He admires 22 in his dad's shirt.] Whoa! I can’t believe how good I look. The suit, the cut. Just look at me. [As he looks at himself against the Half Note marquee, he gets more excited.] Ooh, just turn a little bit right there.
22: Like this? [She tries a few poses in front of the Half Note, getting into it.]
Joe Gardner: Angle the shoulders, and…
22: Oh, hey, who’s that? And from this side.
Joe Gardner: That’s it.
22: What? Who’s back here? Still me. Uh-huh.
Joe Gardner: That’s a winner. [laughs]
22: Right?
[They sit. Joe admires the jazz club as he thinks on his future.]
Joe Gardner: [to himself] This can’t be happenin' now. The Half Note! Look at that lineup... [But as he talks, 22’s attention drifts to the world around them:]
[A father plays with his daughter. Two cloes friends at a cafe laugh together. A soft breeze lifts some fallen leaves, dancing them across the sidewalk. Sunlight falls across the buildings around them. 22 looks up to see propellor seeds fall from a tree above. One falls into 22’s hand. 22 stares at the seed. Something changes.]

Joe Gardner: [over speakers] So, you ready?
22: [coming out of it] Huh?
Joe Gardner: To go home. I bet you’re ready to get off of this stinky rock, huh? What do you think of Earth, anyway?
22: [consider sigh] I always said it was dumb. But… I mean… Just look at what I found. [She brings out a bunch of objects from the suit pocket -- a spool of thread, part of a bagel, a half-eaten lolly, etc.] Your mom sewed your suit from this cute spool. When I was nervous, Dez gave me this. A guy on the subway yelled at me. It was scary. But I kind of liked that, too. [Joe regards her, surprised.] Truth is, I’ve always worried that maybe there’s something wrong with me. You know? Maybe I’m not good enough for living. But then you showed me about purpose and passion, and... [She looks out hopefully at the world, excidetly.] ...maybe sky-watching can be my spark. Or walking. I’m really good at walking.
Joe Gardner: Those really aren’t purposes, 22. That’s just regular old living. But, hey, when you get back to the You Seminar, you can give it an honest try.
22: [in Joe's voice] No, but I’ve been at the You Seminar for thousands of years and I have never felt this close.
Moonwid: [over speakers] Joe! [running up to him] Who’s ready to go home?
Joe Gardner: Moonwind.
[They look to see Moonwind approaching, carrying an armload of stuff, including his bongos.]
Moonwind: The stars are almost in alignment. I’ll have you back in your bodies in no time.
Joe Gardner: All right.
22': No. I’ve gotta find it here, on Earth. This is my only chance to find my spark.
Joe Gardner: 22, you’re only loving this stuff because you’re in my body. You can find your own thing to love when you get back to the You Seminar. Now, come on, I need my body back. Now!
22: [Her face hardens.] No. [She defiantly standing.] I’m in the chair. [She runs.]
Joe Gardner: 22!
22: Leave me alone! I’m trying to find my purpose!
Joe Gardner: [He takes of after 22.] 22, you come back here! [He tries to keep up. 22 turns a corner and disappears down the subway stairs.] 22!
[But as Joe pursues, the Therapy Cat Lady comes up from the same stairway, happy to see him. She grabs Joe and tries forcing him into her cat carrier. But Joe goes feral on her, a spinning ball of fur and claws. The Therapy Cat Lady screams and drops Joe. He speeds down into the subway station after 22. The pass an advertisement against the subway station wall. Suddenly, the linear form of Terry appears in the ad’s outlines.]
Terry: There they are. [He takes off after them.]
Joe Gardner: [He pursues 22 through the busy subway station.] You come back here right now! [They dodge commuters left and right until they finally come upon an empty hallway.] You stole my body!
[22 runs towards the exit at the far end. Joe close behind. But suddenly they are surrounded by darkness and they both fall into Terry’s portal trap. As 22 and Joe float through the inky darkness, their soul forms emerge out from their respective bodies. As Joe’s human body and the cat body float away, the souls of Joe and 22 float upwards, to another portal leading back into the You Seminar. Terry looks down on them, triumphant.]
Terry: It’s your time to go, Joe Gardner. [Joe sees his body far below. He frantically swims toward it, making headway. He’s almost able to get into his own body.] Terry: Oh, no, you don’t. [He stops him.] Gotcha!
[Though inches away, Joe is yanked away from his body and pulled toward the You Seminar.]
Joe Gardner: No, no, no. [He lands in the grass of the You Seminar. Above him the Portal closes.] No, no! [Furious, he storms over to 22.] I was gonna play with Dorothea Williams!
22: And I was about to find my spark!
Joe Gardner: Find your spark? My life was finally going to change!
22: You promised, but you wouldn’t even give me five minutes!
Joe Gardner: I lost everything because of you!
Terry: JOE!!! [Joe had stopped shouting.] You cheated. [Joe looks defeated. He escorts them to a group of Counselors.] Found him.
Counselor Jerry: Joe Gardner. You’re back!
Counselor Jerry A: Terry, you found them.
Terry: [proudly] No need to thank me.
Counselor Jerry A: It’s so nice to have everything back in order, and… [The Counselor looks at 22’s badge, stunned.] 22 got her pass?
[22 looks down to see her Personality Profile has finally changed into an Earth Pass. The other Counselors happily surround her.]
Counselor Jerry: Oh, my goodness. 22! You got an Earth Pass! This is amazing!
Counselor Jerry A: I knew you could do it.
Counselor Jerry B: This is cray cray.
22: [She can't believe it.] But what… What filled in the last box?
Joe Gardner: [He seethes, lashing out.] I’ll tell you what filled it in. I did! It was my spark that changed that badge. [to Counselors] She only got that because she was living my life in my body.
22: I was… [She starts to protest, but Terry interrupts.]
Terry: Come on, Mr. Gardner.
[Terry opens a portal to the Great Beyond. But a Counselor leans to Joe.]
Counselor Jerry A: Joe, it’s time for you to accompany 22 to the Earth portal. Give you a chance to say goodbye.
Counselor Jerry B: Of course. It’s standard procedure.
[The Counselors gently usher Joe and 22 toward the Earth Portal.]
Terry: Just hold on a minute. I get to set the count right.
Counselor Jerry B: Terry, you have done a super job. We’ll take it from here. You’re amazing.
Terry: [flattered] Well, thank you. [He proudly exits into the Portal.] Terrytime.
[The Counselors encourage 22 and Joe to the Earth Portal.]
Counselor Jerry B: Go ahead, you two.
[Joe and 22 approach the edge of the Portal, both angry. 22 looks holds the Earth Pass.]
22: You don’t know. You can’t be sure why my pass changed.
Joe Gardner: [sighs] Come on, 22. Think about it. You hated music until you were in my body. You hated everything until you were me. [He turns to walk away whence 22 stews.] Hmph, I hope you enjoy it. Uh…
[As Joe walks something hits him on the back of his head. He sees 22’s Earth Pass lying on the ground. He locks eyes with 22, who stares angrily at him. Joe picks up the pass and makes to throw it back at 22. But when he looks, the soul is gone. Joe looks around, confused.]
Counselor Jerry B: [over speakers] I have to ask... [Startled, Joe hides the Earth Pass behind his back.] How the Dickens did you do it? Get that Earth Pass to change?
Joe Gardner: Oh. You know what, I… I just let her walk a mile in my shoes, you could say.
Counselor Jerry B: Well, it worked.
Joe Gardner: [chuckles] Yeah.
Counselor Jerry B: Well, you should probably get going to the Great Beyond.
[The Counselor turns to walk away. Joe stops him.]
Joe Gardner: Hey, um, we never found out what 22’s purpose was.
Counselor Jerry B: Excuse me?
Joe Gardner: You know, her, uh, spark. Her purpose. Was it music? Biology? Walking? [chuckles]
Counselor Jerry B: We don’t assign purposes. Where did you get that idea?
Joe Gardner: Because I have piano. It’s what I was born to do. That’s my spark.
Counselor Jerry B: A spark isn’t a soul’s purpose. [The Counselor walks off, chuckling.] Oh, you mentors and your passions. Your purposes. Your meanings of life. [sighs] So basic. [chuckles]
Joe Gardner: [confused] No, no, it…
[He walks to the edge of the Earth Portal, watching the other new souls jump to Earth.]
New Soul: Wow.
Joe Gardner: It is music. My spark is music. I…I know it is. [Determined, he jumps down into the portal to Earth.]
22: [She crawls inside her clubhouse, distraught.] [muttering] I’m no good. I got no purpose. [She leaves under the sink, onto the Astral Plane.] No purpose. No purpose.
[Joe comes to in his own body, a sea of anxious passerbys staring down at him. He rubs his aching head, realizing he’s back. Mr. Mittens looks on, until the Therapy Cat Lady approaches. The cat runs into her arms. Joe checks his watch and rushes out of the station. Joe runs down the stairs, into the club. He runs into Curley, looking good in his own gig suit.]
Curley: [surprised] Mr. G?
Joe Gardner: Curley, I made it. I’m ready to go.
Curley: You’re too late, man.
Joe Gardner: Let me talk to Dorothea.
Curley: No, no, no, man. She don’t play that.
[But Joe blows past Curley and into Dorothea’s dressing room. Dorothea talks to Miho while finishing her makeup. Joe bursts in.]
Dorothea: These rappers act like… Who let this lunatic in here?
Joe Gardner: Listen, you gotta give me another chance.
Dorothea: This is my band. I decide who plays.
Joe Gardner: And if you don’t go with me, you’ll be making the biggest mistake of your career.
Dorothea: [She approaches Joe, unconvinced.] Oh, yeah? Why’s that?
Joe Gardner: [He stands his ground as Curley listens from the doorway.] My only purpose on this planet is to play. It’s what I was meant to do. And nothing’s gonna stop me.
Dorothea [thinking for a moment, intrigued] Well, aren’t you an arrogant one? I guess you really are a jazz player. [to Curley] Tell Robert he’s out. For now. [to Joe] Nice suit. [She exits, saying over her shoulder.] Nice suit.
[Curley gives Joe a thumbs up and rushes off. Joe looks in the mirror, relieved. As he straightens his tie, Joe notices a photograph of Duke Ellington straightening his tie. Joe smiles.]
Joe Gardner: Get ready, Joe Gardner. Your life is about to start.
[The band kicks in. Joe doesn’t miss a beat. Later, he pounds on the keys as he and Dorothea solo joyously back and forth, in the flow. We see the quartet’s tight performance in a series of time cuts. The crowd eggs them on wildly. Then it ends. The lights come up. Joe is spent, breathing heavily, taking in the applause. He looks over at Dorothea. She smiles and leans in.]
Dorothea: Welcome to the quartet, Teach.
[The audience is on their feet applauding, including Libba, Melba and Lulu.]
Melba and Lulu: Woohoo!
Libba Gardner: That’s my Joey!
[Curley, Miho and Joe come out of the club, excited and energized. Libba, Lulu and Melba follow.]
Curley: What a show! That last solo was brilliant.
Joe Gardner: Yeah. That was amazing! [chuckles]
Miho: [laughing] I’m not gonna cover that bridge for you again.
[Curley and Miho walk off.]
Curley: Whoo! Later, Mr. G. Congratulations.
[Libba, Melba and Lulu congratulate Joe and hail a cab.]
Libba Gardner: You did great.
Melba: We love you.
Libba Gardner:I’m so proud of you, Joey. [She hugs her son, the climbs into the cab.] Gotta get to bed. We old.
[Joe waves as Dorothea exits the club.]
Dorothea: You play 100 shows, and one of them is killer. You don’t get many like tonight.
Joe Gardner: Yeah. [chuckles, long pause] So, uh, [chuckles] what happens next?
Dorothea: We come back tomorrow night and do it all again.
[Joe looks confused, slightly disheartened.]
Dorothea: What’s wrong, Teach?
Joe Gardner: It’s just I’ve been waiting on this day for my entire life. I thought I’d feel different.
Dorothea: [studying him knowingly] I heard this story about a fish. He swims up to this older fish and says, “I’m trying to find this thing they call the ocean.” “The ocean?” says the older fish. “That’s what you’re in right now.” “This?” says the young fish. “This is water. “What I want is the ocean.” [She hails a cab.] See you tomorrow. [She leaves.]
[Joe watches her go, alone and confused. The marquee behind him flicks off. Joe ponders Dorothea’s words as he rides the train in the subway. It lurches. He bumps into someone.]
Commuter: Hey, man.
Joe Gardner: Sorry.
[Joe looks into the train. Subway riders stand motionless, looking at their phones. He looks at his reflection in the window, feeling alone and empty.
[Joe closes the door behind him and stares at his all-toofamiliar apartment. Around him, nothing has changed. He walks into the empty silence. He turns on a dim lamp and sits down at the piano. A crunch of stuff in his pocket gets his attention. He pulls out the things 22 “found”: a pizza crust, a bagel, a lollipop, a spool of thread, and a helicopter seed. He absently dumps it on an end-table and puts his head in his hand, mournfully fingering the piano keys. Joe’s eyes fall back onto 22’s mementos. It triggers something in Joe. He remembers. Outside the half note, the helicopter seed twirls into his hand. But it is 22’s memory. Back at his piano, Joe is startled. He looks at the pizza crust. Joe remembers. At the door stop, Joe thoroughly enjoys the pizza slice moments after leaving the hospital. Again, this is 22’s memory. Back at his piano, Joe scoops the objects and places them on the music ledge of the piano, studying them. After a moment, he begins to play. Each item triggers other specific memories. The bagel falling to the Busker’s guitar case. - The lollipop segues into Dez’s sharp haircut. The thread spool reminds him of his mother, Libba, passing his dad’s suit onto him. Joe smiles as other memories start to flow, inspiring the music: Joe lies on the subway grate, feeling the wind beneath his back. Watching Connie go into the zone while playing her trombone. Then deeper memories of Joe’s life emerge: A younger Libba gives her toddler-aged son Joe a bath. His father, Ray, drops a needle onto a jazz record, while 10-year-old Joe watches. They enjoy the music together. A teenaged Joe pedals a bike through the park, feeling the freedom of summer. The morning light fills the streets of his Queens neighborhood. Teenaged Joe watches a Mets game from a rooftop with his parents. Fireworks explode against the city skyline. The memories bring tears to Joe as he plays. More recent ones start to come: In a diner, Joe sits alone eating a piece of pie, deeply satisfied. Joe gives a young Curley his first pair of drumsticks, inspiring him with a Max Roach record. Joe plays his piano for his ill father. Ray smiles as he listens, lost in his son’s music. Joe and his mother are alone at the beach, letting the water wash over their bare feet. The memories overwhelm Joe as he continues to play. He smiles as tears fall. Slowly his perspective alters, lifting out of himself, out of the city, off the Earth, and into the cosmos. Suddenly another memory comes, as just voices.]
22: [over speakers] Maybe sky-watching can be my spark. Or walking. I’m really good at walking.
Joe Gardner: [over speakers] Those really aren’t purposes, 22. That’s just regular old living.
[A disturbing thought takes hold. He picks up the helicopter seed, gazing at it as he thinks about 22. Joe makes a decision, puts the seed in his pocket, closes his eyes, and begins playing again. The room fades away as the music takes him into the zone. Joe opens his eyes in the Astral Plane, now in the zone. He plays an astral piano in his soul form, floating above the plane. Other souls in the zone float on the horizon.]
Moonwind: [over speakers] Joe?
Joe Gardner: Huh? [He looks to see Moonwind aboard his ship, sailing toward him.]
Moonwind: Joe! Good heavens, man. What are you doing in the zone?
Joe Gardner: Moonwind. [He jumps onto the deck.] I messed up. I need to find 22.
Moonwind: I’m afraid she’s become a lost soul.
Joe Gardner: What?
Moonwind: I’ll explain on the way. [He speeds the ship across the Astral Plane.]
Moonwind: When neither of you returned to The Half Note, I suspected something had gone wrong. [He steers the ship in the Astral Plane flashback.] [voice over] I came back here, and that’s when I spotted her. [imperceptible] [Moonwind spots 22, now covered in astral dust -- DARK 22. He waves at 22. But the Lost Soul runs off. Joe scans a field of Lost Souls with a telescope as he continues.] Lost souls are obsessed by something that disconnects them from life. And now that 22 has technically lived, she’s become one of them.
Joe Gardner: [He finds Dark 22 in the distance.] There!
Moonwind: Good show. [He steers the ship and pursues.]
Joe Gardner: 22!
[Dark 22 hisses at Joe and rockets off.]
Moonwind: Ready the net.
Joe Gardner: I’m on it.
[Joe cocks the harpoon net and fires. The net wraps around Dark 22 like a lasso. They try to reel 22 in. But Dark 22 dives below the surface, forcing the bow of the ship straight down into the dust.]
Moonwind: Oh no! She’s got us!
[As the ship sinks, Joe jumps off.]
Joe Gardner: Moonwind!
Moonwind: [salutes] A captain always goes down with the ship. It has been a pleasure serving with you… [He and the entire ship is pulled down, vanishing into the dust. He is spinning his sign. He is suddenly jolted out of his trance.]
[Dark 22 pops up in the distance, hissing at Joe. The soul runs off again.]
Joe Gardner: 22! [He chases her.] Come back, 22. It’s me, Joe. [He corners 22 between some astral rocks. 22 paces, animallike, cornered and scared.] Easy, 22, easy. I just came back to give you this. [He holds up the Earth Pass. But 22 panics, growing more monstrous.] Easy. [Suddenly, 22 dives back into the sink cabinet and scrambles through the shaft into the soul’s clubhouse. He rushes after her.] 22, listen. Come back!
[Into the Mentor Orientation Theater on stage, a Counselor presents a trophy to Terry, who beams with pride.]
Counselor Jerry B: And for correcting our absent-minded mistakes and setting the count right, we are awarding you, Terry, this trophy. [beat] As you requested.
[A few Counselors in the audience applaud with varying levels of enthusiasm.]
Terry: I am happy to accept this very special award I requested, but that I absolutely deserve.
[Suddenly, Dark 22 crashes through the screen and runs into the audience hisisng and shrieking. Joe runs after 22 as everyone scatters. The Counselor quickly takes back Terry’s trophy.]
Counselor Jerry A: Joe Gardner?
Counselor Jerry B: And I’ll just take that back.
Terry: Hey. [Angry, he pushes through the Counselors, stopping 22 before the soul can escape the theater.] Oi, noob! You’re not where you belong.
[But Dark 22 grows even more, towering above Terry. 22 pounces on the accountant, tying Terry’s limbs into knots. 22 bolts out the door. Dark 22 runs through campus into the You Seminar, Joe close behind. New Souls look up at the Lost Soul in wonder.]
Counselor Jerry: Uh… [chuckles awkwardly]
Joe Gardner: 22, stop. I have something to tell you. [22 throws a New Soul at him. The New Soul laughs as it bounces off his face.] Ahh! Stop that. No. 22! [He is pelted by more New Souls before 22 runs off again.]
[Counselors keep the New Souls away from 22 while also trying to calm the Lost Soul down.]
Counselor Jerry A: Whoa, watch out!
Counselor Jerry D: Take it easy.
Counselor Jerry There, there. There’s no need to be afraid.
Counselor Jerry: Don’t worry. Calm down.
Counselor Jerry: You have to stop running. Please.
[22 ends up at the edge of the Earth Portal. The Lost Soul looks down, scared and trapped. Dark 22 runs away from Joe and ends up trapped at the edge of the Earth Portal. She looks down, scared. She’s trapped!]
Joe Gardner: 22, stop. [22 looks at him as he slowly approaches. He holds out the Earth Pass.] 22, I was wrong. Please, will you listen? You are ready to live, 22.
[22 seems to calm. But suddenly the Lost Soul’s mouth opens. It leaps and consumes Joe!]
[Joe opens his eyes. He’s in total darkness. Black dust swirls around him. He hears crying in the distance. He sees 22 weeping and muttering in the middle of the storm.]
22: [murmuring] I’m not good enough. Nope. No. Nothing. I just need to fill out that last box. I give up.
Joe Gardner: [He goes towards her, but 22 runs away.] 22! [He follows.]
[Suddenly a huge, dark version of 22’s mentor, Abraham Lincoln, appears in front of Joe, blocking him. Lincoln appears to scold Joe, but in 22’s voice.]
Abraham Lincoln: You’re dishonest. All you make are bad decisions. You are unwise and you won’t make it in the world.
[Joe tries to get around Lincoln. Mentor Mother Theresa appears, blocking him again.]
Mother Theresa: You’re so selfish. No one would ever want to be around you. Loser.
[Joe struggles forward but is suddenly surrounded by other mentors of 22 -- Copernicus, Carl Jung, Muhammad Ali, etc. All bend down to Joe, reciting their negative opinions of 22:]
22's Mentors: Oh, the world needs remarkable people and you are the least remarkable soul I’ve ever met. You’ll never find your spark. Imbecile. I cannot help you.
[Joe breaks through the crowd, again finding 22 in the distance. He runs to her as she mutters to herself.]
22: There’s no point in anything I try. Why couldn’t I fill out that last box? I’m not good. Nothing I do is right. I’m a loser. I don’t do anything right. I’m not good enough at all.
[Joe nearly reaches 22, until -- A final figure blocks Joe’s path: a massive version of Joe himself.]
Nightmare Joe Gardner: You will never find your spark. There’s no point. Those aren’t purposes, you idiot. That’s just regular old living. This is a waste of time. You only got that badge because you were in my body. That’s why you ruin everything. Because you have no purpose. [He spews black dust from his mouth. He tumbles away, the Earth Pass is knocked out of his hands. He desperately searches for it.]
Joe Gardner: [shouts] [grunting] [gasps] No, no, no. [gasps]
[All seems lost, until Joe remembers -- the helicopter seed in his pocket. He pulls it out and walks forward, holding out the seed to his nightmare self.]
Nightmare Joe Gardner: There’s no point. [in 22's voice] You’ll never find your spark. [echoing] Because you have no purpose! [He looks at the seed, startled. He melts away, defeated. He finally reaches 22. He puts the seed in her hand, closing her fingers around it, holding it there. 22 appears to calm.]
22: I’m not good. Nope. Nothing. I just need to fill out that last box. I give up.
[Suddenly, 22 is back in Joe’s body, sitting on the stoop and looking at the seed, scared. Joe, back in the cat, looks up at her, smiling.]
Joe Gardner: [as Mr. Mittens] You ready?
22: Huh?
Joe Gardner: To come live.
22: I’m scared, Joe. I’m not good enough. Anyway, I never got my spark.
Joe Gardner: Yes, you did. [He motions to the world around them.] Your spark isn’t your purpose. That last box fills in when you’re ready to come live. [22 looks around, taking in the beautiful, simple moments on Earth.] And, the thing is you’re pretty great at jazzing. [22 looks at him and smiles.]
[Dark 22 smiles at Joe. The black dust surrounding the Lost Soul melts away. Joe finds the Earth Pass and places it on 22. 22 smiles, but then realizes.]
22: But, Joe, this means you won’t get to…
Joe Gardner: It’s okay. I already did. Now it’s your turn. [He motions to the Earth below.]
[22 steps closer to the edge, but gets cold feet and darts behind Joe.]
Joe Gardner: I’ll go with you.
22: You know you can’t do that.
Joe Gardner: I know. But I’ll go as far as I can.
[22 steps closer to the edge. Joe holds out his hand. 22 takes it and holds tight as they both jump. Eyes shut tight, 22 clutches Joe’s arm as they free-fall toward Earth into the portal.]
Joe Gardner: Hey! Take a look!
[22 slowly opens one eye, then both. The Earth slowly gets bigger as they fall toward it. The view is spectacular.]
22: Wow!
[22 starts to enjoy the ride. The soul builds enough courage to let go of Joe’s arm and hold his hand. Hand-in-hand, 22 and Joe skydive to Earth, enjoying the ride. 22’s Earth Pass starts to glow, slowly drawing the soul away from Joe. 22 looks at Joe reluctantly, unsure. But Joe smiles back, as if to say “it’ll be okay.” Then he gently lets go. 22 pulls away from Joe. He watches the soul fall the entire way, and then vanish. Tears well in Joe’s eyes. He is pulled away from Earth and back up as we fade to white. Joe opens his eyes to find he is on the slidewalk, heading towards the Great Beyond. He smiles, at peace. Ready. Until.]
Counselor Jerry A: Mr. Gardner?
[Joe turns to see a Counselor on the slidewalk with him.]
Joe Gardner: Yes?
Counselor Jerry A: Do you have a moment? [Joe walks over to her.] I think I’m speaking for all the Jerrys when I say thank you.
Joe Gardner: For what?
Counselor Jerry A: We’re in the business of inspiration, Joe, but it’s not often we find ourselves inspired.
Joe Gardner: Huh. Really?
Counselor Jerry A: So, we all decided to give you another chance. [chuckles] [The Counselor opens a Portal. On the other side is Earth.] Hopefully, you will watch where you walk from now on.
Joe Gardner: But what about Terry?
Counselor Jerry A: We worked it out with Terry.
[Again, Terry is counting souls on the abacus above the sidewalk. Suddenly, one of the beads draws her attention.]
Terry: Mm. That’s weird.
[A conselor comes running up.]
Counselor Jerry B: Hey, Terry, what’s that over there? Look immediately.
Terry: What? What are you talking about?
[Terry looks the other way. The Counselor’s arm stretches behind Terry and slides the single bead on the abacus into position, covering up the discrepancy.]
Counselor Jerry B: Oh, nothing. You were saying?
Terry: Hmm?
Counselor Jerry B: Were you even talking? I can’t remember.
Terry: [He once again examines the abacus] Never mind. [He goes back to counting.]
[Back to the sidewalk, the Counselor motions to Earth as Joe hesitates.]
Counselor Jerry A: Well?
[Joe considers as he looks to Earth, then smiles to the Counselor warmly.]
Joe Gardner: Thanks.
Counselor Jerry A: So what do you think you’ll do? How are you gonna spend your life? [He thinks for a moment.]
Joe Gardner: I’m not sure. [He steps into the Portal.]
[Joe’s feet step out of his apartment building. He smiles as he looks around, taking in the glorious chaos of it all.]
Joe Gardner: [over speakers] But I do know… I’m going to live every minute of it. [breathes deeply] [melodious trilling piano notes playing]
[Fade to black. A title appears reading "Soul".]
[The song "It's All Right" by Jon Batiste & Celeste plays during the beginning of the credits.]
Jon Batiste:
- ♪ Say it's all right
- ♪ Say it's all right
Jon Batiste & Celeste:
- ♪ It's all right, have a good time
- ♪ 'Cause it's all right, woah, it's all right
Celeste:
- ♪ Now listen to the beat
- ♪ And kinda pat your feet
Jon Batiste & Celeste:
- ♪ You've got soul and everybody knows
- ♪ That it's all right, woah, it's all right
Jon Batiste:
- ♪ When you wake up early in the mornin'
- ♪ Feelin' sad like so many of us do
Celeste:
- ♪ Just hum a little soul
- ♪ Make life your goal
Jon Batiste & Celeste:
- ♪ And surely something's gotta come to you
- ♪ Say it's all right
- ♪ Say it's all right
- ♪ It's all right, have a good time
- ♪ 'Cause it's all right, woah, it's all right
Celeste:
- ♪ Now everybody clap your hands
- ♪ Oh...
- ♪ Give yourself a chance
Jon Batiste & Celeste:
- ♪ You've got soul and everybody knows
- ♪ That it's all right, woah, it's all right
Jon Batiste:
- ♪ Woah, it's all right
[Instrumental Break]
Jon Batiste:
- ♪ Now everybody clap your hands
- ♪ Give yourself a chance
Jon Batiste:
- ♪ 'Cause you've got soul
- ♪ Sing it again!
Celeste:
- ♪ 'Cause you've got soul
Jon Batiste & Celeste:
- ♪ 'Cause you've got soul and everybody knows
- ♪ That it's all right ♪
[End of song.]
[The little souls play around during the credits roll.]
[The song "Rappin Ced" by Daveed Diggs plays over the last few seconds of the credits.]
Daveed Diggs: [rapping]
- ♪ Rappin Ced is the name and you should get it right
- ♪ Blowin’ up on the scene like Dynomite
- ♪ Joey G on the keys KP and Tommy with me (With me)
- ♪ How much you wanna bet we can take the whole city?
- ♪ See us stylin’ from the island all the way to BK
- ♪ Boogie down made the sound but we took it away
- ♪ I go to Harlem it’s no problems if you know what I mean
- ♪ Now everybody bow down to The Kings of Queens
- ♪ Urr-uh ♪
[Below the text "Created and Pixar Animation Studios, Emeryville, California" reads "and in homes at least six feet away from each other throughout the Bay Area" as the first part of "Hail to the Chief" is playing whence the song was done.]
[The Disney and Pixar Animation Studios logos appear.]
Terry: [pops in on black screen] Hey! Movie's over. Go home! [He pops out. End of the movie.]