The Kentucky Fried Movie/Transcript

Opening

The opening credits play, and we cut to a man sitting at a desk with "11 O'Clock News" next to him.

Anchor: The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in. Film at 11.

Catholic High School Girls in Trouble

A sunburst background fades in. Text wipes in reading "We Are Proud To Present PREVIEWS OF OUR COMING ATTRACTIONS," and a trumpet fanfare plays throughout. After the bumper fades out, we fade in on a little girl in bed. The camera pans up to an older black man, smiling. The music becomes funkier.

Announcer: More offensive than Mandingo! (In the next shot, a man opens a door, looks inside the room, and closes it in shock.) More shocking than Behind the Green Door! (We then see a naked woman [Nancy Reed] flossing in front of a mirror.) More erotic than Deep Throat! You will cream (Cut to another girl showering, with her breasts in extreme close-up) in your jeans when you see... (The title zooms in for...) Catholic High School Girls in Trouble!

Cut to an outdoor scene, with a different girl (Linda Chambers) hitching a ride. The text "SAMUEL L. BRONKOWITZ PRESENTS" wipes in.

Announcer: Samuel L. Bronkowitz presents, Linda Chambers (Cut to Linda, in a different top, rolling in grass) recreating her classic role! And introducing, Susan Joyce and Nancy Reed!

All three girls are now sitting cross-legged on a couch, completely naked.

Linda: Susan, this is Nancy. Nancy, this is Susan.

They shake hands, and the scene wipes to a man (Stephen Bishop) in front of a mansion.

Announcer: The screen has never DARED to be so explicit!

Linda: Show me your nuts. (The man instead sticks his fingers in his ears and wiggles his tongue, then makes a "shark" motion with his fingers)

Man: Whoop, how you doin'? Surfin USA...

Wipe to a sex scene, with audible moaning. The male partner stops upon realizing who he's nailing.

Partner: Mrs. Barton! I thought you were Dale!

Mrs. Barton: (Turns to face the camera) You know, people often mistake me for my teenage daughter Dale.

Wipe to a close-up shot of another man fondling Nancy's breasts in a shower, then cut to them deep into coitus.

Announcer: Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited! (Cut to them in a different position, with the man penetrating Nancy from behind.) The bizarre story of what happens when high school girls (All three of them, naked except for their underpants, are now chained up and being whipped by a midget clown. Behind them is another male.) are allowed to stay out after curfew! (They keep screaming, then powder falls off the man's back.) Finally, an adult motion picture has the courage to reveal (Cut to another scene, where a man walks out of the bathroom, with both hands and the underside of his eyes covered in feces. A centerfold is displayed on the toilet.) the truth about masturbation! (The man is visibly excited. We cut to a black screen, with "BRUTAL!" zooming in.) Brutal! (The rear end of one of the girls is seen, and then someone slaps a pie across it. Black screen again, with the text reading "SAVAGE!!") Savage! (Cut to an African tribe, yelling and brandishing spears. Black screen yet again, with the text reading "BEYOND PERVERSION!!!") Beyond perversion! (Linda slaps a pie across a horse's rear, and both walk away. Then we cut back to the shower sex.) You must see... (The title zooms in again.) Catholic High School Girls in Trouble!

Fade out.

Feel-A-Round

Cut in on a man standing outside a theater marquee. It reads "SEE YOU NEXT WEDNESDAY IN FEEL-AROUND."

Scot Free

Fade in on a family playing a board game. It's clearly modeled after Monopoly, with the center of the board structured like Dealey Plaza. The father sets the bonus cards aside and hands the rest of the family their playing pieces.

Announcer: New from Parker Brothers, a game for the entire family: Scot Free! Your team has just assassinated the President. (The daughter rolls the dice.) Can you get away scot free? Shake the dice and see! (She moves three spaces and lands on the "PATSY" square.) Great! You've found a patsy! Go again. (The daughter rolls again. She moves five spaces, lands on "BONUS," and takes out a card.) Bonus card! (She turns the card to the camera. It reads "JACK RUBY KILLS.") You get Jack Ruby to kill your patsy! Because dead men don't talk! (The father rolls.) Oh no! Abraham Zapruder films the assassination! Tough break! (The mother's turn.) But now you go again! And a stroke of luck! 22 material witnesses die of unnatural causes! (As he says this, the father rolls again.) Now your opponent shakes again. (The mother's move.) Uh-oh, look out! Life Magazine buys the Zapruder film! But, you buy Life Magazine and show the frames out of sequence! You're almost home; now you must spin the Public Opinion board! (Which the daughter does. It lands on "BELIEVES.") You've done it! The public believes it! (Cut to the game box.) You're scot free! Available from Parker Brothers.

Danger Seekers

A triumphant fanfare plays as the show's host glides into view and starts taking his helmet off.

Host: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how he performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half-hour you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man that doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." Rex Kramer, part-time air mechanic, full-time daredevil. (Cut to Rex in an alley suiting up.) A man willing to risk his life, for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it! Rex Kramer, danger seeker!

Rex puts on his helmet and approaches six black people playing dice. He stands in front of them and prepares to scream.

Rex: N*****S!!

Rex runs off, and the black people, outraged, chase after him.

Ending

We go back to the news desk one last time.

Anchor: I'm not wearing any pants. Film at 11.

Closing credits.